05x08 - Season Finale

[bunniefuu]

Pleasure of your insatiable

Blood lust, we show you a battle that's certain to win

A grammy for the best off-rock pummeling.

We answered the age old question:

When two old flames duke it out, who will get burned?

And we bring you two giant egos who go at it with pint-sized

Fists of fury.

So strap yourself in to that barkalounger.

It all begins right here, right now on celebrity death match.

Good evening everyone and welcome to another evening of

Stellar death match mayhem.

I'm johnny gomez, here of course with nick diamond.

And nick, we must be doing something right.

The fan mail is pouring in.

You got that right johnny.

We've been getting more mail than l'il bow wow

At an nambla convention.

And that's a lot of mail.

So we thought we'd take a moment and answer

Some of your letters.

[Cough]

This first letter is from keith c of new york.

He asks, what do you do with all the dead bodies

Of the celebrities?

Good question keith.

We assure you and all their loved ones that they are

Treated with the respect and dignity befitting their status

As beloved and cherished idols of american screen,

Stage and stadium.

Amen to that johnny, and bless 'em all.

And now let's add to the body count.

First up...

A death match that spans the globe as we present a battle

Between two of the music industry's greatest sex gods...

It's ricky martin versus william hung.

Aka the latino bambino versus the schlong from honk kong.

As everyone knows this feud all started when engineering

Student hung appeared in his now famous audition on

American idol, singing martin's hit - she bangs.

Let's watch.

[Animal sounds]

Hung's performance was so unbearable and offensive that

He became an overnight sensation, a phenomenon

Also known as the 'david spade effect'.

As for his opponent, tally wong is standing by with yet another

Edition of tally's corner.

Johnny, nick, ricky martin first came on the scene back

In the s with the latin boy band, menudo,

Which I believe is spanish for child exploitation.

This is tally wong.

That's it?

That's it johnny.

This is tally wong.

You're not even in the corner.

This is tally wong.

Who does she sleep with?

I heard that.

What the hell is this?

Seems to be some sort of pustule nick.

Well I'm sure it's nothing.

I see hung and martin have both joined mills lane

In the center of the ring.

And I for one could not be more excited johnny.

The latin idol and the asian american idol are about to go

Mono on ching dang kong.

That's not really chinese for mono is it nick?

How the fang, wang bong should I know johnny?

Folks it may just be the pustule talking,

But when you write your letters, it's spelled d-i-a-m-o-n-d.

Listen up you two.

This ain't no american idol.

The only voting tonight will be with your fists.

Now let's get it on.

There's the bell, and this one is underway.

Any predictions on the obvious nick?

Seconds.

I say .

Well, hung?

More than you are.

We were both wrong nick.

It only too seconds.

You think you can get away with singing crappy versions

Of ricky's songs?

That is the job of enrique iglesias.

I don't want to fight you.

I'm a big fan.

I have your picture on my wall next to my hello kitty

Night light.

And the crowd is turning on the competitors.

Can you blame them johnny?

They came to see blood...

Plus the whole time issue.

Plenty of them need to be home before midnight if they don't

Want to violate parole.

Finally the action is warming up.

Ricky hits william below the belt, which frankly

Is pretty much anywhere below the armpits.

You are more irritating to ricky than these extremely

Tight pants are to my inner thighs.

Ricky will k*ll you now.

Look at this nick.

Ricky martin seems to be attempting some sort of

Hypnotic dance to produce a catatonic state.

If our fans wanted to watch a catatonic state inducing dance,

They could watch dancing with the stars.

So they still haven't asked you?

Seventeen audition tapes and not so much as a postcard.

You think you have troubles...

Ricky martin is moving in for the k*ll.

Fooling you.

You see that?

I can't believe my eyes.

Hung has turned his pocket protector into

An armored cocoon.

And martin's attack appears to be useless.

Ricky does not like this protector of the pocket.

It is frustrating and disappointing.

You remind ricky of his nd album.

I will not sing your second album.

[Horrible singing] [screams]

Sweet mother of mercy...

It's as if a thousand fingers simultaneously scratched

A thousand chalk boards.

The chalk boards of hell johnny.

The very chalk boards of hell itself.

Martin manages to poke a hole in the pocket protector.

He's living lavita poke-a.

And martin's now got hung by the throat.

He's living lavita choke-a.

And now martin's got hung in a chef grip.

Sorry johnny.

Living lavita mocha.

There.

I'd like to hear you try to sing now.

Just try to stop me from singing.

Singing is my life.

Well wrap me in bling and call me a gotti johnny.

William hung's voice has been permanently altered.

Blessed be my ancestors.

What have you done to me?

You've made me hideous, I'm a monster.

You'll pay for what you've done to me by all that is holy.

I'll make you pay.

Well I don't think anyone expect this.

You mean william hung's remarkable kung fu prowess?

No, the extremely dated matrix reference.

And so the fight continues.

This is a titanic struggle between two of the most closely

Matched contestants we've ever had.

Every goal counted, every move predicted.

This one could be going on for a long, long...

Oh wait, now... It's over.

A victory for william hung.

William hung has defeated ricky martin.

And the winner is the schlong from hong kong.

What good is victory when I must live the rest of my life

As a freak.

I don't know, go ask frankie munez...

Amazing.

One of the best fights I think I've ever seen.

E-gad nick.

You look like freddie kruger.

So it's noticeable?

What happened?

I think there was anthrax in that envelope I opened johnny.

Yup.

Definitely tastes like anthrax.

Folks we have a bit of a medical emergency to deal with.

You take a look at these fine commercials

And we'll be right back.

Welcome back to celebrity death match.

If you're just joining us, a bit of sad news to report.

My co-host and dear friend nick diamond has been taken to a

Hospital after opening a letter that was possibly laced with

Anthrax, but here to take his place is our very own

Tally wong.

Welcome to the booth tally.

Sorry about that 'who does she sleep with' comment earlier.

It was very unprofessional of me.

Already forgotten johnny.

Glad to hear it.

It's just an honor and privilege to be

Up here in the booth.

Well you have some pretty big shoes to fill.

Well johnny I'll do my best not to make a mess of things,

The way you did in your marriage.

[Laughter]

Fantastic.

Next up, two celebrities who are no strangers to physical

Violence, only they called it marriage.

It's the high-powered history laden match up between

On-again, off-again lovers, pamela anderson and tommy lee.

Our fans will best know tommy as a drummer and pamela

Anderson as an actress.

Yeah johnny that's exactly how our fans

Will best know them.

Am I missing something tally?

Only a clue.

I see mills lane has called out two contestants to the center

Of the ring.

Let's go down to the action.

Okay you, I don't want to see any punching of photographers,

And as for you three,

I don't want to see any attempts at acting.

That would k*ll anyone.

Now let's get it on.

There's the bell and this one is underway.

I can't believe you made me come here tonight tommy.

We're back to dating, and now you want to fight to the death.

I'm missing an important meeting.

I'm a spokeswoman for peta you know.

Hey, I've always said you put the t and a in peta.

And I have to rehearse for my own show on fox.

Hey, I've always said you put the x in a*s-chokingly

Bad sitcoms.

Are you trying to make me angry?

Is that what you're doing?

Baby you're like a ' fender stratocaster.

Oh, you mean because I'm a classic beauty?

No, because a million musicians have had their hands

All over you.

Okay, that's it.

You want to fight, I'll fight.

How do you like that?

You get another augmentation?

Your boobs are bigger than mick mars.

Tommy is not fighting back.

Pamela anderson is mauling him and he's not putting up even

The slightest bit of resistance.

Just like you when those two kids took your wallet

In the parking lot last month.

Touché.

I'm sorry, did you say touché or toupee.

[Laughs]

Terrific.

It is an unorthodox style, but remember johnny the last time

Tommy lee hit pam he got months in the slammer.

I just hope no blood flies into the audience.

These two...

These two have more viruses than windows .

As you can see I learned something on the set

Of barb wire.

I can only hope it was to never to punish us all

With barb wire ii.

Hey, here's a question for you.

How many pamela andersons does it take

To screw in a light bulb?

How many?

Just one but it would have to be a pretty large light bulb.

This is turning into quite an education for tommy.

Certainly more than he got at...

That he got at the university of nebraska.

Outrageous.

Hey, wait a sec pam.

Can we talk.

It looks like tommy is trying to ask for a time out.

I'll do my talking with my fists.

Great, then I'll do my thinking with my...

Okay, I'll tell you why I challenged you.

I don't want to date you anymore.

It's not enough.

I want to marry you again.

Well how about this! Looks like all this violence is bringing

Out tommy's romantic side.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in my hotel

Room last night.

Were you?

No, I was studying my tutor...

Um, studying with my tutor...

Okay never mind last night.

Look, we both made mistakes, I was a horrible husband

And hit you and you were in vip.

See this is what I've been trying to prove to you...

I've changed.

I have my anger under control.

I haven't hit you once.

Will you marry me?

Oh tommy, do you mean it?

Do you really mean it?

I do, with every inch of my body...

Oh, eggplant.

Oh beach ba*ls...

Die tommy lee, die for all the pain you've caused me.

A trick! It was all a clever trick.

Pamela is using her...

Assets...

And beating tommy lee senseless.

Things look as bleak for tommy lee as they did for you a

Couple of years back when you supported yourself as a

Birthday party clown johnny.

Yes, those were some bad times; bad, painful, painful times.

Let that be a lesson, tommy lee.

You give a girl hepatitis, at least give her a good kind.

And the winner is pamela anderson and her amazing

Rack of death.

And this one is over.

Nick, what are you doing back?

Good news johnny.

The substance in the envelope wasn't anthrax.

But you still have the pustules.

Completely unrelated.

So you're back?

I'm back baby and ready for tonight's big finale.

Oh thank god.

Well tally, looks like you'll be going back down

To the floor.

A location you're more than familiar with johnny, as least

Back in your drinking days.

What did I miss?

It was brutal nick.

It was unspeakably horrible.

It was the worst experience I've ever lived through.

Sounds like a hell of a death match.

Oh, you meant the fight.

Yes, that was brutal too.

Don't ever leave me again nick.

And don't you leave either.

We've got one more bruising, brawling, brutal battle coming

Up on celebrity death match.

Welcome back to folks.

Tonight we've seen william hung take down ricky martin.

And pamela anderson shake down tommy lee.

All of which was leading up to our main event, so hold on to

Your hats because this one is going to be a doozie.

They both may be small in stature but they're hatred for

One another is super sized.

One a serious actor, the other a serious madman.

It's austin powers side kick, verne troyer versus

Jason wee man acuna.

Who will come out on top in this dual of the diminutive,

Verne troyer or the jack a*s.

Nick, jason acuna's nick name is 'wee man' not 'jack a*s'.

That's the name of the outrageously popular tv show

He was on.

Is it?

I was not aware.

Then why did you call him jack a*s?

He parked in my spot.

Tally wong is standing by in the green room

With verne troyer.

Pulled right in front of me.

Let's go there now.

Good to have you out of the booth tally, and back doing

Interviews, I mean.

Nick, I'm here with movie and tv star verne troyer who has

Some pretty harsh words for his foe tonight,

Jason 'wee man' acuna.

That's right tally, I do.

He's nothing more than a hack.

He doesn't take acting seriously.

He just wants to party.

I on the other hand, am a true actor.

That's why I'll be around long after he's dead and forgotten.

Key word, dead.

So there it is.

While troyer is sh**ting for the stars, acuna seems content

On just having wild fun, and the facts seem to support

Troyer on this.

To put their careers in perspective, if these two were

Celestial bodies, verne troyer would be a super nova, but

Jason acuna would just be a white dwarf.

That's a nice skirt.

A nice short skirt.

Um...

Do you prefer acting in movies or for television.

I've had normal size girlfriends you know.

Keeping the focus on you, what's mike myers like?

Nice guy?

I see the drapes don't match the carpet.

I beg your pardon?

The drapes, they don't match the carpet.

See?

Plus the hair on your head and your pubic hair

Aren't the same color.

Have you ever had small?

You know what they say?

Once you've had small, you'll never want tall.

I'm jason wee man acuna and this is called a visit to a

Certain island in greece.

[Sound of struggle]

Hey baby, does this mean you like eating...

Don't even say it.

That's it, I have had it up to here with the both of you.

I am so out of here.

I don't care if we're still on the air.

Oh, what are they gonna do, bring back stacey cornbread.

Now it's your turn.

Are you talking to mini me, cause I don't see

Anyone else here.

Ha, ha...

A little bottle.

[Sound of struggle]

You're dead now.

What a shock, after that move, verne troyer must be feeling

Four feet tall.

Ouch! Looks like these two have had enough small talk

And are ready for action.

And only one is going to walk out of this crowned

The little kahuna.

Get your hotdog fingers off of me.

Okay mr. Big time actor, I'll let go of you.

After all, you are flush with success.

Stuck in the toilet! Stuck in the toilet with no chance

Of ever getting out.

Words that haven't been spoken on celebrity death match since

We were talking about pauley shore's career.

But wait.

Now he's managing to pull himself out of the toilet.

He's grabbed onto the toilet paper roll and is pulling

Himself out of the toilet.

Words that haven't been spoken since we were

At andy d*ck's last christmas party.

Looks like wee man is about to give troyer some alcohol.

But won't that just make troyer fight harder?

Nick, if he were giving it to anyone else, I'd agree with

You, but if you've seen your reality television,

You'll know that verne troyer can't hold his liquor.

[Moaning]

[Strange noises]

I've seen greg brady naked.

Troyer has lost control of his scooter.

He's stuck in the corner, and now he's...

Oh god...

Oh dear god...

Yes, it seems the scooter isn't the only thing

He's lost control of.

Well nothing pint-sized about his bladder.

Good lord, he's like a race horse.

Talk about your gold member.

Of all the self-inflicted painful things I've seen a

Drunken, angry urine stained m*dget do, this ranks

About third.

Troyer is making his way to the ring in his cart.

And if mills lane allows him to keep it, wee man is going to be

In a severe mobility disadvantage.

Not so fast nick.

Looks like wee man has found some wheels of his own.

Viva the wee man baby.

My name is johnny knoxville

And this is called rockets red glare.

Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Oh, that has got to hurt.

Not as much as you think johnny.

What?

Wait a minute, what's this?

Troyer is gone.

Troyer has completely disappeared.

Nick we've had our share of strange things happen

On this show.

The horatio sands/chris farley fight for one.

Man, was fema all over us for that one.

But this has got to rank way up there

For the strangest thing ever.

Wait a moment, I think I found it.

Oh dear god.

It seems verne troyer has gone...

That verne troyer has...

How shall I put this nick.

Verne troyer has gone to heaven johnny.

Okay troyer, get back out here or I'm calling this fight over.

Looks like mills lane is putting his foot down and

Getting things back in order.

And not a moment too soon johnny.

Wait a minute.

I lost my wallet.

I'm johnny knoxville, and this one is called the dog whistle.

Yeah, who let the dogs out johnny.

Who indeed nick?

I don't think I've ever seen such a one-sided battle.

Troyer has barely gotten in a single shot.

Acuna is doing more damage to himself than troyer has.

I'm johnny knoxville and this is called pulled pork.

We got us a winner.

Jason wee man acuna and his panda pal.

Outstanding.

You can't ask for a more action packed fight than that,

Can you nick.

Johnny after witnessing such mind numbing destruction

First hand, my faith in humanity is restored.

So for nick diamond, mills lane and tally wong,

This is johnny gomez saying good night and good fight.