17x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to
"Would I Lie To You?"

the show that separates
fact from fiction.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, a comedy
legend and friend of the show,

it's Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And singer, actress and '80s icon,
it's Sinitta.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And on David Mitchell's team
tonight, stand-up comedian

and Taskmaster star,
it's Ivo Graham.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And he's a rock god
and guitar legend,

it's the one and only Johnny Marr.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before

so they have no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

And Jo is first up tonight.

I once dumped my hypnotist boyfriend

when I brought him a surprise
breakfast in bed,

only for him to reveal

he'd hypnotised me to do it.

David's team.

OK. I think we're going to go true.

When was this, Jo?

It was last week, Rob.

Was it? Really?

Well, it was when I was a student

back in the 1850s,

and he was doing a show at our uni.

Did he have a stage name, Jo?

The Great Hypnotist, Rob.

Good. It's good.

That was his stage name,
The Great Hypnotist?

No, it wasn't. No. OK, do you
want to make something else up?

Duncan Wilson.

What was the breakfast, Jo?

It was kind of like mushrooms
and black pudding,

which I wouldn't go near
in a million years.

And were you aware that you were
doing this or were you

in a zombie-like trance?
Were you walking around like this,

or were you feeling
everything was normal?

I think that's not hypnotism,

that's being a mummy
in Scooby-Doo.

You would have got away with it too,
if it wasn't for that pesky kid.

You had no memory of preparing

the mushroom
and black pudding breakfast?

No, I didn't, David.

Did you have any memory
of purchasing the ingredients?

No. That's cos I
didn't purchase them.

If someone's just tuned in,
they'll think that David's doing

an advert for Age Concern.

So you have no recollection
of buying the mushrooms, Jo?

OK, what's it going to be?
Truth or lie?

My worry about it is, aren't stage
hypnotists, um,

what - let me put this
carefully - charlatans?

No, I think there are stage
hypnotists who can hypnotise people,

I think that's a given.

Well, you know, it's important
that some people SHOULD think that

or they'd have no
audience at all, so...

But I'm not convinced that
a stage hypnotist could

make someone cook a breakfast
in a sort of trance.

It's a very good argument
but Jo's just so believable.

Well, what you have to
do is separate

the plausibility of the people

from what they're asserting cos
she literally read it off a card.

Ah. Ah.

So it's no reflection on her
personal integrity

whether it's true or not.

Well, it is if it's true and she had
a one-night stand with a hypnotist.

Who hasn't?

Who hasn't slept with Duncan Wilson?

We'll never know.

Maybe we have and we don't realise.
Yeah, well, exactly, yeah.

What do you think, Ivo? I'm actually
with Johnny, I believe it.

You believe it? You're going
to go true?

Oh, you have no grip on your team,
do you? This is lovely to see.

It's anarchy. It's no, uh, it's...

It's mayhem over there.

You're like Liz Truss desperately
trying to keep everything together.

I absolutely, I...
What I am precisely like is

Theresa May, who voted against
Brexit,

and then was happy to be the Prime
Minster that pushed it through.

Just like...

That's... Much better,
much better, yes.

Very good.

So, Jo, you've convinced them,
they think it's true.

Was it true? Or was it a lie?

It was the...

..a lie.

SHE MOUTHS

Yes, it's a lie.

Jo wasn't hypnotised
by her boyfriend.

Ivo, you're next.

After one year at university,

in order to improve my love life,

I attended a Duncan Wilson gig.

I don't think that's what
it says, Ivo.

Yeah. Oh!

After one year at university,

in order to improve my love life,

I changed my bed linen.

GROANING

Lee's team.

Wow. Now, just to be clear,

do you mean you were using a certain
type of bed linen that you

were regularly washing but then
changed it for a different type,

or do you just mean you had never
washed that same bed linen?

No, I got a different style
of bed linen,

and it's concerning the noises
of horror that

came from an audience who believed
that it was possible that...

So what was the...bad luck sheets,
let's call them?

I think it was a standard
green duvet cover from John Lewis.

What is the problem with that?

Thanks, Dad.

I would, I mean...

So, where did you go first of all,
for this new bed linen?

I retrieved an old duvet
from my childhood home.

And that had on it?

Thomas the Tank Engine.

LAUGHTER

Right.

And the pillowcase did actually have
the full ensemble cast on it.

Right, well, here we go, then. Who
were the full ensemble cast? Aha.

Well, don't you worry.
You've got James there,

you've got Gordon there,
you've got Percy there,

you've got Toby the Tram
and of course...

MURMURS OF APPROVAL
..grinning, grinning at the back,

you've got the Fat Controller.

APPLAUSE

Do you know what, Ivo? I believe
you... Thank you, Sinitta.

..because I think when you're
at uni, right, at...

There's so much pity in your voice.

No, but I do, I do. I do feel sorry
for you but I'd get...

When you went home to get
your childhood bedspread... Yes.

..it would be right to assume
that that was from a single bed,

cos you were a young lad and you had
a... Yes.

Is that not a bit of a challenge
as well, the fact

that you're inviting a lady and
you've got a small single bed? Uh...

Oh, I had a single bed at college -
didn't stop me.

Yeah, but you're a little fella.

I mean, it was, it was quite
the squeeze at times.

I rather enjoyed it.

Did you ever...christen
Thomas the Tank?

Did Thomas ever see action? Yeah.

Uh... Maybe it's more delicate
to say, were there ever

any passengers in Thomas's train?

Um, there, there were never any
passengers with Thomas but...

Oh, no.
AUDIENCE: Awww!

..but in 3rd year, Fireman Sam
put out a lot of fires.

Yay!

All right, um, so what are
we thinking, then?

Uh, Sinitta, what do you reckon?

Um, I still believe him.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

And well done.

Aw.

Now you're being patronised as well.

Uh, no, I think it's possible, this,
because I think he might have

thought it might be
a conversation starter.

I thought it was... It WAS
a conversation starter, I just,

I wasn't in any of
the conversations.

I mean... Yes.

True. You're saying it's true.

Er, Ivo,
was it true or was it a lie?

It was, I'm afraid to say...

..true.

Yes, it's true.

Ivo did change his bed linen
to improve his love life.

Sinitta, you're next.

For my 50th birthday,
Simon Cowell gave me

a life-sized painting of himself.

David's team. Wow. Oh, wow.

Um... Was it on A4?

Describe the painting.

See, he's wearing like a blue
cashmere sweater. You could...

It's only like from the waist up.

Oh, so you couldn't see
the high trousers?

And what have you done with it?

Too big for a shredder.

It's...I have it in s... In storage.

You have it in storage?!

Is that what you call landfill?
Very good.

I can't imagine, Johnny,

that you've come across Simon Cowell
in your music career.

I imagine it's very much
a different world. It is, yeah.

We were in the same building
one time

but opposite ends of the room,

scowling at each other.

Well, I was scowling anyway.

I don't think he CAN any more. Um...

I think it's a lie.

Well, I think, if that was made up,

you wouldn't say
it was just from the waist up.

I think you'd imagine it was
a full-length picture. I see.

So it's the fact that she said it's
just from the waist up makes me

think it's true.

AS RINGO STARR: And, er, Ivo,
what are you going to say?

Boop-boop,
here comes Ivo with his guess.

I'm doing Ringo Starr.

I actually thought it was a bit
Terry Wogan.

Terry Wogan?! Yeah, I know.

If it's anything, it's Gary Barlow.

Hello, boys,
let's get the band back together.

Come on, Robbie,
we'd love you to join us.

APPLAUSE

Come on, Mark, get in the car,
we're going to the youth club.

Ivo, what are you going to say?

David's, if I may say, rant
about waist-up portraits has made me

very scared to get it wrong.

So I'm going to say
that it's a lie.

My rant, as you call it,

was saying that that's what gave
the story verisimilitude.

Or do you not understand that?

But you think it's a lie. No.
If you think it's a lie,

you need to say that.
No. No, uh, I, I, I...

David, it's as though you're
dropping him off

on his first day at uni

and you're giving him
some of the hard facts of life.

AS DAVID: Now, if you're going
to represent

our family in this university,

there are things you're going
to have to know.

Mm-ye-e-e-ah.

Do I go, "Mm-yeh-heh-hehhh"?

Sometimes.

Sometimes when you arrive in a room,

sometimes when I've been with you
and we've been out and about,

you arrive in a room and you will
slightly go, "Weh, weh..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Does he? Does he? He does that.

You did ask.

Ivo?

I wasn't sure, but I think David's
point about the portrait

with the waist up, I...
You couldn't make that up.

I think it's true. Yeah. Yeah.

And, Johnny, you think...
You've changed as well?

APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Right, Sinitta, you've convinced
them, they think it's true.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

..a lie. Oh!

APPLAUSE

I'm so sorry.

Our next round is called
"This Is My..." where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine
connection to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Danny.

So, Johnny, what is Danny to you?

This is Danny,
and he came to my rescue

when I was egged in the Co-op.

Ivo, how do you know Danny?

Er, this is Danny and together
we form

two thirds of popular
woodwind trio, Tutti-Flutti.

And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Danny?

Er, this is Danny.

He dropped and smashed his phone
in disbelief

when he caught me watching him
watching me.

So there we have it.
Lee's team, where will you begin?

Well, before we even start, can I
just say I think Johnny Marr might

be the coolest person we've ever had
on "Would I Lie To You?" Yeah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But I should also point out
the bar is very low,

and before you,
the winner of that was

a joint thing between Mr Motivator

and Stephen Hendry.

So, Johnny, where was this?

Yeah, Manchester 1979,
something like that.

I was just 15.

Was it a single egg or a group?

It was many, many eggs.

Who was doing the egging?

The other members of staff.

What do you mean, the OTHER members
of staff?

So you were working there?

Er, well, up until...
I was working there...

..er, that evening and then,
um, and then I was let go...

How long had you done at Co-op
at this point?

Er, about three weeks, four weeks.

And what was your job?

Stacking shelves, eggs.

And why were they egging you?

It was a tradition.

When you got fired, um,
if it was a Friday night,

um, you had to go out the back,
out the loading bay

and you were met by a...

..well, a firing squad.

So you had the embarrassment
of being sacked,

followed by an immediate egging
by the staff?

Yeah, it was like
a dishonourable discharge.

And how many people threw eggs
at you?

100, um... 100?!

It seemed like hundreds.

There were about,
probably about 12, 14 adults.

But, so Co-op encouraged this?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

And what was Danny's involvement
in this?

I had to walk all the way home.
It was about six miles home

and it was dark by this point.

Covered completely in egg,

a human omelette walking home,
in the snow.

Danny was a friend of mine and lived
about a mile away from my house,

and even though I'd got nearly home,

I was so miserable with
it all and, um...

Heaven knows, you must have been.

Wahey. Hey!

APPLAUSE

So you're eggy, you're Mr Omelette,
you're walking along the street...

I went and knocked on Danny's door
and opened the door

and Danny had
a very, very good laugh.

Brought me in and then the rest
of his family had a very good laugh,

and then I asked Danny could I use
his shower

and get a change of clothes?

Did you not fancy having
a bath instead

and getting poached?

No.

So, you got cleaned up,
and what happened then?

Well, Danny told me

that some of the girls at his school
were throwing a party that night.

So, we took off with
a couple of pals to a party,

and I saw this girl, er,
in the first sort of 20 seconds

and, um, I married her
and she's my wife.

ALL: Aw!

You married a 15-year-old girl?!

Wow. And had that not have happened,

you would never have met her,
of course, so it's...

Except, of course, this is nonsense

because Danny is someone I know
because he dropped his phone

when he spotted me watching him
watching me, so that's, you know.

No, no, David,

Danny's MY friend.

Remind us of your relationship, Ivo.

Er, Danny and I play together
in Tutti-Flutti -

a-a...a woodwind trio.

And how long have you been able
to play the flute?

I'd say...

A few seconds?

Since...about... No, well, no.

Um, just under a decade, I'd say.

And you're doing this
professionally, are you? No, no.

Astonishingly, I'm doing
THIS professionally.

But it's good to know...

It's good to know I've got my flute
to fall back on.

You don't want to do that. No.

You'd be whistling out your nose,
wouldn't you? Um...

So what's Danny's background, then?

We go to the football together.
He's a friend of my dad's

and we go to watch Swindon Town
together a few times a season,

and Danny revealed
that he played the flute and...

How did that crop up?

"Go on, up the wing,
go on, keep going.

"Do you know what I did this summer?
I was..."

Swindon are 3-0 down
within 15 minutes.

The game is over,
our thoughts turned to the summer.

We started talking about...

Is this the start of a Jilly Cooper?

So, er, Danny talks about how
he'll have a bit more time

for his music, and I mentioned
that I would like to learn

an instrument, so Danny says
that he'll teach me the flute.

Where do you perform, Ivo?

Um, it's mostly, er,
sort of village parties.

Village parties?! Yeah, you know...
Can I just check something?

What century are we in?

So, what's in your repertoire?

Um, well, I remember we did
Wham!, Club Tropicana, er...

On the flute? Yeah, um...

Club Tropicana
doesn't scream "flute".

We scream it through our flutes.

I've got a question for you, Ivo.

What's the nearest note
to your mouth?

A flat, and you have to make
it an A by closing the hole.

Oh, well done, Ivo. Right...

LAUGHTER

Who would you, well, presumably...
What about David?

Remind us of your claim.

Er, well, this is Danny and he
dropped and smashed his phone

when he noticed me watching him
watching me.

Right.
What the hell are you talking about?

Um, er, well,

I was playing the flute

and, er, no.

It's a different sort of Tube -

the London Underground.
So... You're on the Tube.

No, I'm not, I'm on the platform
in a Tube station.

And you are...? Waiting for a train.
Are you looking at your phone? No.

What are you looking at?

I'm initially just looking maybe
at an advertisement on the wall.

Oh, what for? Maybe...
I can't remember.

Let's say it's Wellman tablets.

Ah!

And then I, er, I notice Danny
and he's looking at something

on his phone. Yeah.

And there was something about
it that seemed familiar.

Oh, what was it?

It was that it was me.

No! And what were you doing?

I was in the programme Peep Show
that I did in my youth...

Right. ..and many people, whatever
you say, Lee, many people like.

And, um... Right.

APPLAUSE

So he was watching Peep Show.
Er, yeah.

Er, and he had his headphones in.
Yeah, so he's watch....

Not attached with a wire.

It was like magic!

And I was sort of looking over
his shoulder a bit.

I was sidling up, if you like.

Yeah, yeah.
And then he glanced at me

and he was very surprised to see,
you know, a much, much older

and more tired and disappointed
version of the person

he was watching on the screen, and
in his shock he dropped his phone.

So, he definitely dropped it.

He didn't go...

..like that?
Yes, he definitely dropped it,

he didn't throw... Definitely
dropped it.

Why would he be so angry?

He's watching me on the phone
and then he sees me and goes,

"Now you've spoilt it!

"I thought you were fictional!"

And so, what happens next?
What's the conversation then?

Well, the phone smashes and I go,
"Oh, I'm so sorry."

Why are you saying sorry?

Because I'm generally infused
with guilt.

And I picked up the phone for him
and then, of course,

it occurs to me,

what a brilliant story
for this show.

So, now the story is, he's looking
at his phone, he's on his own,

you've sidled up towards him
like that.

He sees the reflection of you,
he looks, he drops the thing,

and you say,
"Do you want my number?"

No, I-I...

I didn't give Danny my number,
I asked for his email.

He...
Why didn't you give him YOUR email?

Er, because I don't want people
to be able to contact me.

Very honest. Hmm. All right.
We need an answer.

So, Lee's team,
is Danny Johnny's helpful hero,

Ivo's musical mate

or David's flustered friend?

Sinitta, what do you think?

I'm over here, by the way.

So, uh... I mean...

When Ivo was talking
about the flute, Danny...

..did keep making sort of flute
shapes with his lips.

Did you notice that?

He was sort of going...

When it's in your blood...

I don't think
Ivo can play the flute,

because I play the flute and the
note nearest to your mouth is not A.

IVO SIGHS

Oh. Oh!

Actually, I don't,
but now you've reacted like that...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to the show, Ivo.

This game, this disgusting game.

I think Danny looks like he really
likes a laugh. That's why

I think it's Johnny, cos I think
that when you went round,

all him and his family laughed
at you quite a lot, didn't they?

Did they?

That's what I said, yeah. Yeah.

So, what's it going to be?

I suspect, just cos Johnny said he
met his wife, it's, er, it's either

the boldest bluff or it's true,
and I think we should go with true.

We think it's Johnny.

Danny, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Danny, and I, er,

rescued Johnny after he was egged.

Yes, Danny is Johnny's helpful hero.
Thank you very much, Danny.

See you later, mate.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies. And we start with...

It's Lee.

Possession. Right,
there's a box under your desk.

Uh, first of all, Lee,
put the item on the desk,

and then read out the card.

WOMAN SCREECHES WITH LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

This is Brian May's hairbrush.

Or at least, it was,

until he got cross

and threw it at me in a restaurant.

Let's just be clear, for some people
may not know who...

Who I am. ..who Brian May is.

Yes. Er, just fill us in, David.

Uh, he's in Queen.
What...what was it?

Guitarist in Queen.

Guitarist in Queen.
That's it, well done.

And here's a picture of Brian May.
There he is.

So, you were having dinner with him.

No, no, no.

He was sat on another table.
Oh, right.

Where did the hairbrush come from?

From Anita's handbag.

His wife, Anita Dobson.
From EastEnders.

They are dining "a deux".

Er, I don't know
if there was a snake there.

Brian May. You must've met him,
Johnny. Yeah.

He seems a very gentle man to me.
Yeah, he's a lovely guy,

very, very gentle.
But if anybody could provoke...

Oh, I could rile him. ..a gentle man
to hurl a hairbrush...

It's cos I said to him,
"Brian! All right?"

Nothing. I get, you know, it had
gone a bit tense, and I thought,

"Well, I'll try..."

So you're waving across the
restaurant at him, going, "Brian"?

We had met many years ago,
me and Brian May. OK.

So, I've given him, and he's not...
So, I-I...

It's unclear what you've done, cos
you're saying it was just like that,

which I would've thought would be
unnoticeable across a restaurant.

Be honest, David, what does this...
What does this say to you?

Well, uh, "go ahead".

You know? That's what it says to me?
It says go ahead.

So, I'm making my point
that you did notice it.

Yes, but this is different,
isn't it? Why?

Because we're doing
a television panel show,

and this is a round where you
are the centre of attention, right?

So, I'm going to notice
your facial expressions

much more than if this same space
was occupied by a restaurant,

and there were several other diners
in between, I would say someone over

there under a much lower level
of light, when it is not appropriate

to have a conversation like this,

is going to be unnoticeable going...

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

So, it... So, er...

I gave him the nod,
but it didn't work.

I'm a big fan of Queen.

What's your favourite,
er, Queen album, Lee?

Er, er, The Queen Is Dead.

It's by The Smiths.

I think your favourite album's
A Night At The Opera, isn't it?

It's all right, I know what
I'm doing. I like Queen.

Er, Night At The Opera.

Er, no, A Day At The Races.

Er, actually, A Week On The Dodgems.

So, come on, so what happens?

All you've done so far is you keep
going like this to him.

So eventually,
eventually I'm thinking,

"Oh, I'll just revert to fan mode,"
cos I'm a fan. Great.

I just said, "You are my,

"er, you're my second favourite
guitarist in the world."

Paul Weller's my first, and, er...

APPLAUSE

How did it escalate?

He said, "If I wanted your opinion,
I would ask for it."

And I waited for him to ask for it,
but he didn't.

So, I just carried on.

Oh, no, what did you say?

I just said, "And by the way,
Queen's Greatest Hits?

"Well, I think there's
three on there

"that shouldn't have been
on the album." Oh, no.

He said, "Which three?"
I said, "Well,

"Freddie should've stayed and
the other three should've gone!

Which I thought was going to get
a laugh. No -

that's when he got the brush out.

He reaches down into Anita's bag.

What does Anita say? She went,
"Oh, leave it out."

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
"Leave it out, Brian,

"he's just a fan, don't do this.
Nah, not on our anniversary."

Yeah, yeah. Then he went - I've
never heard him speak, actually,

Brian May. And he went...

IN STRONG SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Listen
here, Anita...

"I'll not have this." And he reaches
for his, for his brush.

He goes like that, he says,
"One more comment from you,

"and I will throw this bru..."

You can see, look, it's Brian May's
hair's all over that. Look.

Yes, it's the right colour hair.

Oh, yeah. And that's not
from his head.

Well, well, well. You kept it as a
souvenir. And I kept it.

Yeah, well, this is the thing.
I got it.

It does look like Brian's hair,
it has to be said.

It's versatile as well,
cos you've got Brian May's hair,

but you've also got
Freddie...Freddie's moustache.

Right.

# I try to break free... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right. What do we reckon, then?

Well, I mean, it's a very,
very difficult one.

LAUGHTER

Um...

I believed all of it, er,
all of it except Brian May's accent.

So, David, what's the decision going
to be?

Do you think it's a...?
Might be a lie, yeah.

Yeah, we certainly think, we'll
go with that, it MIGHT be a lie.

It might be a lie.

Was it a lie
or was it actually the truth?

# It's just fantasy... #

It's a lie.

It's a lie.

Now, Brian May didn't throw
his hairbrush at Lee.

However, the hair in the brush

was donated this evening

by a member of our audience,
who is sat there, in the front row.

That's proper hair.

CHEERING

Wow. Thank you, Dave.

KLAXON

That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal Lee's team has won,
by four points to one.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time, goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING