01x00 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

He's the most evil man in

America. Charles Manson defends his title

against diabolical upstart Marilyn Manson

tonight. Don So. Aberdeen death match.

Hello again, ladies and gentlemen, and

welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch, the

All-Star slugfest where anything, and I

mean absolutely anything goes. I'm Johnny

Gomez here with Nick Diamond. That's

right, Johnny. And we got a special

event scheduled for this evening. Two big

talents, 2 great champions, 1

spectacular. Death match in the red

corner. He's fighting out of New York,

NY and will be utilizing a rare

and highly developed fighting skill known

only as a cartoon. Please welcome heavy

metal enthusiast Marilyn Manson.

And in the blue corner, his opponent,

weighing in at a silk free 130

lbs and wearing what looks like a

white disposable diaper, sliding out of

San Quentin Prison, California, with a

style which can only be described as

pure, uninhibited madness, please welcome

Charles Manson.

Alright, Stephen, gentlemen, step in,

please. OK, now I've already explained

the rules to in the dressing room. I

expect a tough, clean fight. Protect

yourself at all time. Any questions from

the blue corner? Any questions from the

red corner? Let's get it on.

Isabelle and Charles Manson is not

wasting anytime. Ohh Thunderstrike hand

from Maryland since Charles reeling back

against the woods. That's gotta hurt.

Charles taking a moment to recover now

and he's back on his feet. Charles moves

in close now, work on the body and

it looks like ohh headbutt sends him down

again. Marilyn really letting him know

who's in charge. This is what the crowd

came to see. Johnny, I can't agree more.

Charles off the ropes. He's got Marilyn

in a stranglehold. He's sizing him up

now, looking for an opening. He beat

him. I can't believe it. Channel's taking

a chunk out of Maryland's left shoulder.

Three Mills Lane sizing up the situation

now. We'll keep 2 points from fighting.

I'm gonna give up two points for biting.

How you doing? Can you go on side?

You wanna go on?

And the fight will continue. Charles on

the attack again, but Barrel is ready for

him.

Charles is down.

And he goes. And the winner

is Marilyn Manson.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's more

deathmatch action on the way, but right

now we've got a music video from the

newly crowned most evil man in America,

Marilyn Manson.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Welcome to MTV Celebrity

Deathmatch Death ball 98.

Hello again, ladies and gentlemen. I'm

Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond. Nick,

you could talk about your Super Bowl. You

could talk about your Pro Bowl, but for

my money, the real action is here on

Celebrity Deathmatch as we present our

first ever Deathbowl 98. That's right,

Johnny, we've got three big fights

tonight and from the look of the

competitors. There should be 1 skull

cracking shindig, our first undercurrent

that matches the battle of the morning.

Motor mounts as tough as nails. Talk show

host Kathy Lee Gifford and notorious

shock jock Howard Stern hashed out their

differences in the ring. After that

brownie Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson Lee

will go toe to toe with the beautiful

but bloodthirsty. But the big news,

of course, is our main fight, a real

transatlantic tussle from Oklahoma. We

have those prepubescent predators, Hansen

mixing it up with that fearsome fivesome

from Great Britain, the Spice Girls. And

in the studio tonight is our very special

correspondent here to offer his expert

post fight. Analysis of tonight's action.

Mr. Marv Albert Marv yes, thank you, Nick

and Johnny, it's good to be back. And

in just a little while, I'll be talking

to the reigning death match champion, Mr.

Marilyn Manson. But our first undercard

bout is about to get underway, so let's

go down to the ring for introductions.

Introducing first the reigning Queen

of Morning television, America's premier

vocalist and leading all around

personality Kathy Lee Gifford.

Thank you. I love you all.

I love you, Cody. I love

you, Cassidy. Mommy. I'll be home

soon. And her opponent, Champion of

morning radio, late night television,

books, movies and the First Amendment.

Mr. Howard Stern.

Man that broccoli is k*lling me. And

the man controlling the action inside the

ring, referee Mills Lane.

I want a tough, clean fight from the both

of you. And no hitting below the belt.

Hey, why the long face? Kathy Lee Thought

you might get lucky. I'd be lucky if I

could find anything below your belt.

Yeah, right. Sure. Now let's get it on. I

hear that. I hear that. All right, very

good. You and me. Come on, baby. Let's

get it on.

Look at Kathy Lee though, seems like she

may have some pent up frustration and not

the face.

Hey, Kathy Lee, how about after the fight

we go back to my hotel room for a little

one-on-one, huh? Shove it, hose nose. I'm

taking you down, Kathy Lee. Establishing

the overhand right. If Hayward doesn't

get his fists up, this is going to be a

real short fight.

Blinded.

Watch out Howard.

Ohh gosh.

Hey, hey, let me go. You're crushing my

intestines. I have a very delicate: I

want you to apologize for all the nasty

remarks you made about me and my Frankie.

I don't think so, honey. I apologize for

long neck, pasture draw. Crack open your

freaking rib cage. Let me tell you

something. You're the one who's going to

be sorry. Ohh

that's disgusting.

I am the king, damn it. No one

can escape the wrath of my devastating

natural aroma. Hang on. It looks like

Kathy Lee's down but not out. Ohh. I

see you got your second win. All right.

Very good. Well, here's my second win,

woman. Stand by for another blast from my

speaker. Cannon.

And the winner, by way of

flatulence, is Howard Stern.

I am the king of all media as well

as the king of poisonous **** fumes.

Can somebody get me a wet nap? Johnny?

That was quite a fight. Not a dry eye

in the house tonight. Not a dry seat in

the house either Nick. Let's go up to

Marv. Albert likes Nick and Deaf Bull 98

starts off with a bang. If there was 1

pivotal moment that changed the course of

this fight, it would have.

Incredible technique as he plants his

feet firmly, then angles his body until

the barrel of his sphincter cannon is

positioned for precise vapor diffusion

trajectory. Then BAM Stern let's loose

from his private parts, takes out Kathy

Lee and the 1st 5 rows and claims

victory in our first undercard bout.

Joining me now in the studio is my very

special guest, Marilyn Manson. Thanks for

stopping by Marilyn. My pleasure, Marv.

I'm a big fan. Let's look at this clip

from your legendary fight against Charles

Manson where you earned the death match

title of most evil man in America. Tell

me what was going on in that crazy mixed

up head of yours. Well, Marv, for a guy

who's been confined to his cell for 30

years, he's really quick. You know, he

just caught me off guard. I'd say from

the look on your face that that bite was

definitely not consensual. No, Marv, it

was not. OK tell us what happened next.

Well, as you know, he tried the same move

on me again, but. Each time he bit

off more than he could chew. Ohh.

What? What Charles had in mind. What

do you call that move, Marilyn? That

would be the Tahitian skeleton pull of

death. Well, Tahitian skeleton pull of

death. Yes. Now, Marilyn, tonight's

championship title match between our

Spice Girls and. What is your

take on these competitors? I think

they're both a bunch of posers, and I

hope they burn in the fiery furnaces of

blackest hell, Locust. Hell, yes. Let's

go back now to Nick and Johnny at

ringside for our second death match bout

of the night, RuPaul versus Pamela

Anderson. Lee. Thanks, Mark, as you know.

There's been a long standing rivalry

between E Oak contestants. Well, that's

right, Nick. Apparently some time ago at

an industry party, RuPaul made a pass at

Pan's husband Tommy Lee, and Pam's been

looking for some payback ever since. It's

even been reported that Pamela bulked up

a staggering 17 lbs just to meet the

weight requirement for tonight's. Wow,

that's a lot of rice cakes.

OK, now I've already explained the rules

and the dressing room. I expect a tough

clean fight or Baymont command at all

times. Any questions from the blue

corner? No, Any questions from the red

corner? Yes. Are there any timeouts in

case one of us has to use the ladies

room? Don't you mean the men's room?

Speak for yourself, you silicone injected?

Go to hell. You're testosterone tainted.

You wanna piece of me? Let's go right

now. OK? Now wait a minute. You're

fighting your way from our side. There

are no timeouts in this exhibition. Now

let's get it on. And

here we go.

Oh, oh, hands attackers met with a

good defense. Steel

plated honey. I always wear

extra protection. Protect this oh

oh oh.

You know, Johnny, Silicone is remarkably

elastic, so I've heard, Nick.

Now rose on the attack.

She eats a little canvas. This is

turning into a real catfight. Ohh. Give

that back, come and get it.

Cool, really pouring it on here. Pamela

hasn't been under this much pressure

since the reviews came out from Bob Wire.

Those implants appeared to be heading to

the carotid arteries. Showed off the

blood supply to the brain. The opponent

goes right to sleep. Hey Tommy Lee, I got

some brown sugar for you, my skinny

little tattooed love boy. Those

amplified assets appear to be heading

in a new direction. Ohh, tremendous

effort by Pamela Lee.

Ohh my makeup. Ohh she'll be feeling that

one in the morning.

And the winner is Pamela Anderson

Lee.

Another dramatic death match finish and

another cross dresser publicly

humiliated. By the way, did you see that

ensemble RuPaul was wearing? I had no

idea they made chenille tutus and men's

sizes. Anyway,

let's take a look at the moment that

Pamela Lee took control of this fight.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't care if

they are surgically enhanced. I need to

see that clip again. Look at those

beauties. I'd like to shake that plastic

surgeon's hand. Let's see that again.

One sees that again.

But see that again.

We'll check back with Marvin a little

while, but our next combatants are

getting ready for our battle Royale. A

free form, no holds barred, Anything

goes, fight to the death. It's just

moments away, so stay tuned as Hanson and

the Spice Girls prepare to kick the crap

out of each other on Celebrity Deathmatch

Deadpool. 98 They can see, they can

dance, but can they kick asss? The

Spice Girls take on Hanson as they

battle for the title of most annoying

band in the world.

Welcome back. I'm Johnny Gomez here with

Nick Diamond and special correspondent

Marv Albert. For those of you just tuning

in, we're moments away from the main

event of tonight's Celebrity Deathmatch,

Deathbowl 98. Let me tell you, Johnny,

the energy in this place is incredible.

The crowd is restless for this battle

Royale to get underway. In the red

corner, it's the Spice Girls. There is

Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Posh Spice,

Ginger Spice, and Sporty Spice. The Spice

Girls are a true powerhouse of annoyance.

They've got more annoying hits than

Hansen, plus they've got an annoying

movie, numerous annoying books, and a

much more extensive variety of annoying

merchandise. I think it's safe to say

they're the favorite in this fight. And

in the blue corner we've got the brothers

Hansen, Isaac, Taylor and that adorable

little Zach. Don't underestimate the

annoyance level of these boys. They too

sell a lot of annoying records and their

other covers of innumerable annoying

teeny bopper magazines. You have to

remember that there are a lot younger. In

the Spice Girls, so they have the

potential to be extremely annoying for a

much longer period of time. Once again,

let's go to referee Mills Lane for the

pre fight instructions. OK, now I don't

wanna hear no boom box and I don't give a

damn what you really, really want. What I

want is a tough, clean fight. All right,

let's get it on.

The patented Hanson Slingshot spice

up your line.

Wow, spices really flying here tonight.

Nobody said it was easy being a

pop *.

Taking one for the team.

Ohh, he's in it.

Oh oh come

Backbreaker spice game

rule out.

Brothers helping brothers, Johnny,

doesn't that make you feel good inside?

Ohh Lookout.

Ohh, scary spices putting the Louisville

Slugger on little Zach.

That really hurt.

Well, we'll have to change her name to

Shorty Spice. The fighters are days, but

not defeated. It looks like they're

coming together for some massive all out

rumble. How many of them can still be

standing as a mystery to me.

Truly a match to the death as it seems

like everyone in this ring is just barely

holding on to consciousness. And now Oh

my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I can't

believe my eyes. But it looks like all of

our combatants have been obliterated.

Taking a look at the replay, it appears

as if the light breaking has actually.

Numbers from the ceiling and crashed down

on the ring. I can't believe it.

I've never seen anything so terrible.

Ohh. The humanity, the horror, the

horror. Mark, you saw this from up

there in the studio? Do you have

any idea what could have caused this

horrible catastrophe? Mark What?Do you

have a g*n, Mark? Yes. Let's see. Lava

g*n, Mark. Let's see that again. Well, I

don't know what to make of this, Johnny,

but the crowd is gone. I mean, Nick,

there seems to be some activity up in the

Raptors over the ring. Hey, can we get a

camera up there? Johnny? I can't believe

what I'm saying. It's Marilyn Manson. And

he's got some kind of saw something. It

looks to me like Marilyn is the one

responsible for this calamity. Well,

Johnny, I don't know if you can call it

a calamity. With one swift move of this

chainsaw, he's taken out both Hanson and

the Spice Girls. It's incredible. I can't

believe it. Marilyn, tell us, why did you

do it?Might I do it because I'm Marilyn

Manson, the most evil man in America, and

because they asked for it, Because they

all suck, their music sucks, and I just

couldn't take it anymore. And I hope they

all go to hell and Satan takes his

pitchfork and he pokes him in their

stupid ***** and they all burn forever

because they're all a bunch of rotten

posing Ireland Benson. Reinforcing his

title as most evil man in America.

Well, this has been celebrity death

match, Death Bowl 98. I'm Tony Gomez

for Nick Diamond and Barb Albert saying

good fight, good night.