01x01 - Seinfeld's Last Stand

[bunniefuu]

Can operate wearing Infern topple the

most powerful woman in the free world?

Will a rubber faced funny man Outback

chippy face songbird, and can the master

of tools put the screws to the master of

nothingness?Find out tonight, Tom.

Death match. Hello again,

ladies and gentlemen. I'm Johnny Gomez.

And I'm Nick Diamond. Johnny. The crowd

is buzzing, the adrenaline is flowing,

and any second now, Hell's gonna bust

loose all over this arena. Absolutely,

Nick. There's a lot of blood, less than

each of tonight's celebrity matchups,

which surprises me because big

celebrities are generally such truly

beautiful. People not like you and me,

Johnny. Right Now let's get the skinny

on tonight's mix ups from fight analyst

extraordinaire Marv Albert. Marv, Are you

ready for the rough stuff? I was

born ready, Nick. Ready and willing.

Count me in as a consenting adult.

Yeah. I'm very excited to be

here. Very excited. And another thing,

first up tonight, we've got a fight

between the president's first lady and

his last lady. Hillary Clinton beats

Monica Lewinsky. After that, it's

head-to-head, toe to toe, carried to

carry chaos as Jim and Mariah go

postal. But all this is gravy

compared to our main event. Jerry

Seinfeld faces up primetime as*ault from

his sitcom Our Tribal Home Improvements.

Tim Allen.

Nick this intense rivalry goes back to

when these guys were working together on

the stand up circuit. Tim was hosting

Detroit's comedy showcase and someone

puts something in his drinking water.

They say you can still feel the shock

waves from the b*mb. Allen late that

evening. So I was driving down I-95 one

night in my Ford Mustang.

This thing on. What

I mean about show people beautiful. And

Speaking of beautiful, our own roving

reporter Stacey Cornbread is outside the

arena where tonight's combatants are now

checking in. Stacey, thanks, guys. It's

pandemonium up here. There are fans

everywhere, all of them trying to catch

a glimpse of a celebrity.

Hillary and Monica have just arrived.

Here's Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, Big fight

tonight. Tell us what's on your mind

right now. Who are these people? Ohh.

Well, I would imagine they're fans, Jerry

Fans. What do they call them? Fans? These

people don't cool me off. I don't feel a

breeze. I'm actually quite warm. And

another thing, how come every time I do

my laundry?Ohh, that's

great. I'm being told though, there's a

situation brewing at our VIP parking lot.

Let's see if we can find out what's going

on.

Perhaps you didn't notice, but you're in

my spot. Funny, the spot, says Kerry and

that's who I see when I look in the

mirror. If the spot said stupid jerk

***** well then it would be yours.

You're gonna eat those words, mall hair

girl. Yeah. Don't let your tongue write

a check that your rash can't cash.

You wanna piece of me? You. You

can mow them out, mother. Hey, morons.

That's my parking space. Drew Carey.

Umm, wow, it's like feeding time

at the Monkey House out there.

Right now, though, it's time for

us to introduce tonight's first matchup,

introducing first in the red corner

from Little Rock, AR, the most

powerful woman in America.

Harry Clinton.

Hello everybody. Thank you. I'm here

tonight to deliver an uplifting and

positive message. I'm going to uplift

this book right here and positively

kick Monica Lewinsky's big fat *****.

And their opponents from Beverly Hills,

CA an intern who gained a lot

of experience under Bill Clinton while

enjoying a wide variety of positions at

the White House, the first lady of

lust, Monica Lewinsky. Thanks for the

support everyone, and don't forget to buy

my new book and. Please feel

free to visit my website. I'm at

www.ntheman Controlling tonight's action.

Referee Mills Lane. OK, I've explained

the rules to you both. I expect

a tough, clean fight. I beat my

commands at all times. Sister, I'm going

to have to ask you to lose.

Not a problem.

Ohh, she's gonna need an aspirin. Ohh. My

good Lord, it's Jennifer Flowers and

she's bleeding real bad. I think she's

been hurt, lady. Let's get it on.

Monica seems to be employing an unusual

technique. Johnny, is that the Shanghai

King Cobra? No, I believe that's the

lady mantis she mates. Then she chills,

right?

Wow, Incredible evasive maneuvers by Mrs.

Clinton. Talked to her, no doubt by the

Secret Service during the Whitewater

scandal. Nick.

Ohh, Monicas hurt. I believe Hillary may

have even decorated her hair. You go

honey, give it to her. Good, you

can do it. It's

me, you flabby.

Torpedoed out of the ring.

Ohh.

I'm not sure even Hillary's healthcare

plan would cover this kind of punishment.

No, this is wrong. This is all

wrong. Would you excuse

me please?

Hillary's got different hand here, and

she's really letting Monica know who's in

charge. Yeah, I'll take three boxes of

goobers, some chewing gum and a couple

bags of peanuts. Mr. President, what do

you think of Hillary's performance so far?

That little lady sizzles like spit on a

grill. Ohh, hang on a minute. Excuse me

miss, would you mind grabbing my nuts?

Hey, look everybody, it's Paula Jones.

Well. Be

going right about now, no further

questions. Down.

Right, look up Mr. President. Wow,

somebody might want to get outdoor on

the phone PDQ. He's gonna be busy.

But so will we, Nick, because right

after this break, we'll be back with

the mother of all grudge matches, Jim

Carrey versus Mariah Carey.

For those of you just tuning in, we've

witnessed an amazing display of guts and

glory here as Monica Lewinsky took on

Hillary Clinton. Monica got off a few

good shots early on, but.

The problem with her own special brand

of justice. Ultimately though, it was the

president himself who'd be getting his

last licks. An incredible first match

there, Johnny. Incredible. But still to

come this evening, one of the most

eagerly anticipated bouts in the 37 year

history of Celebrity Deathmatch. Jerry

Seinfeld versus Tim Allen, Stacey

Cornbread and Marvel that are backstage

for Jerry's press conference. How's it

going in there, Marv? Well, Nick, Jerry

is here to answer any questions you

might have. I, however, will no longer

answer anything at all regarding that

whole manage Amav incident.

Now who's first? Actually, I have a

question for them. Why are you guys

called the press? Do you like to squash

things? And what's the deal with

toothpaste? Why not tooth glue? And

Speaking of glue, just who is this

mysterious Elmer person? I want to know

Any questions for Jerry as opposed to

from Jerry?Any at all? Yeah. You think

I could get Yoshida's number?

Any other questions? Can I have a

soda? Thanks. OK then any any questions

for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th banana

tier? So Kramer, you're not mad at

Jerry for pulling the plug on your

show? Hey buddy, my name is Michael

Richards. Kramer is just the character I

play on TV. Jerry says, you know the

show would run its course, and Jerry

feels like it's better to leave the party

too early and too late. So you guys are

OK with walking away from all that

network money? Ohh. Well, I mean, we

really have no choice about it. And it's

not like there's no life for us after

Seinfeld. I mean, there's movies, cable,

dinner theater. All futures are bright.

If we weren't cool about the whole thing,

would we be here tonight in Garry's

Corner? Well, we're just showing support.

I mean, it's not like we're mad at him or

anything. Hi, guys. You know, I love

soda, but what's the deal with these

bubbles? I mean, how do they get in

there? Why do they want to? Why do they

make us?And why is burping so

much fun?This is

it, Seinfeld.

You're nothing but a horse faced buffoon

Jerry Seinfeld. Your thoughts on that

hissy fit? Well, I like it. Whoa. Hey,

what's the deal with this guy's hair?

Back to you, Nick and Donnie. We're back

and tonight's second matchup may turn out

to be even Wilder than the first. There's

never been any love loss between Jim

Carrey and Mariah Carey, not since he

embarrassed her with that talking ****

cheeks routine. He did it. Comic Relief.

Yeah, that was a real show stopper. And

after that little flare up in the parking

lot earlier, well, this one could get

really ugly. All right. I want a good,

clean fight. I want a couple pair of

shoes and I want a nice ham sandwich. Not

too fatty. You got that. What? Let's get

it on. Here we

go. Yeah.

Jim's using some clever intimidation

tactics there. Ohh, I can taste that

one at the back of my throat.

Friday that Let's go

Jim Carrey with some

impressive motor skills.

What are you doing?

The devastating Mexican hurricane runner.

Normally that's a match under Nick, but

luckily Mario's thick skull cushioned the

blow. Ohh,

Mariah dear, since you perhaps noticed a

tiny little mosquito around here, I

thought maybe I felt something small

landing gently on my chin just now.

Why don't you try that again?

Mariah seems fed up with Tims clowning

around and I think she's looking to

take him out. And another miss you

turn the lights down now. That's going

to make her brown eyes blue. Black

and blue, that is. I'm the man

of the hour, the Tower of Power.

Sweet to be sour.

Thank you, thank you. I love you all.

Hello, my name is Mariah Carey. I thought

I could win a wrestling match against Jim

Carrey. I must be a total asset.

Oh my God someone get that

man a shoehorn.

Tim is down. That's it. No

more Mr. Nice Guy.

Ohh no, that's it. Jim's

locked up, Mariah and the

legendary sleeper hold on three

cheats out.



She's up. Let's fight people. Mario's

woozy, but it looks like she has a

plan.

What a note. Beautiful voice and

a beautiful lady.

I'm covering my ears now, Johnny. What?

Smoking.

Wow, what a fight. That girl's

got a lot of guts and

a spectacular set of vocal cords.

Stick around, fight fans, because after

the break, it's the match the

world has been waiting for, Jerry

Seinfeld versus Tim Allen.

An expl*sive second bout as Jim Carrey

showed Mariah the stuff legends are made

of. Mariah took some genuine punishment

and went down pretty hard. Jim thought he

had things all wrapped up, but that

Grammy winning. Gonna came back with a

solo that proved to be a real

showstopper. And that brings us to the

brawl for it all, The w*r to

settle the score. Jerry Seinfeld may be

saying goodbye to his sitcom, but he's

just about ready to say hello to

his greatest challenge ever, Tim Allen,

one-on-one. One last time, once and for

all, fighting for prime time sitcoms.

Heavyweight championship. Both men have

been working toward this moment for

months. Nick and Stacey Cornbread's here

to tell us about the road to Celebrity

Deathmatch. For months, they

have prepared.

Pushing their minds and their bodies to

the very limit.

Clearing their minds of all outside

distractions.

Their focus on just one goal.

Victory and proving to the entire

world once and for all who

is the supreme force in prime

time sitcoms.

It's time, Johnny. At this point, it's

all over. The show and the punching

arm twisting, eye gouging headlock. Let's

go to the ring and hair pulling.

Thank you, Carrie.

Can you guys?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time

for tonight's main event in

the red corner from New

York City. Shelton, Jerry Seinfeld

and his opponent hailing from

Detroit, MI. Here is Tim

the tool. Alan.

Go get him, Tiger.

What kind of punkass fight do you think

I'm running here? Tim Allen bringing all

kind of tools to the ring. Why, I kick

your sorry ***** myself, but I don't want

to scuff my shoes. What is this?

Umm.

This has been only in America. Could

there be a fight like this on

a night like this, in a beautiful

city like this? No, no. OK, then.

Now we're finally ready for a clean,

hard fight. Gentlemen, let's get it on.

There's the bell.

And here come our fighters.

Why'd you do that for your big dumb asss?

Yeah, well, I'd rather be a dumb asss

than a baby. Shut up you. Shut up you.

Johnny the dreaded purple nurple. I

haven't seen this move since the 5th

grade. Amazing Nick. Wow, this is not the

match we expected. I must say Nick, I

thought this one was going to be a

slaughter but Tim Allens machismo. Seems

to have disappeared along with his tool

belt. Ohh yeah. I'd say these two

are actually pretty evenly matched at

this point. Wimp versus wimp, Sissy

versus Sissy. You said it, brother. Jerk

Moe.

Go, Jerry. Really. You're

doing great. You go,

boy.

The Reggie is not a pleasant

experience. Wedgie goes atomic. Uh-huh.

You see, you're messed with me,

and now you're going to look

really silly the next time you

groom. Yes, I

am Cypher, king of the sitcom.

Hear me wrong, fear my wrath,

laugh at my jokes. Are experienced

the consequences fight fans. This is

the stupidest match I've ever seen.

It's the fight about nothing.

All right. Hey, guys, did you

see me? I was all masculine

and macho and guys, what the

heck, guys?

A total double cross. I can't believe we

didn't see it coming. Wow, looking at

that, Johnny, what can you say? But.

I thought you were the ********.

What I want right now is for

all of you fat, stupid wrestling fans

to listen up $500,000 an episode. That's

what. That's what NBC was offering the

three of us. So that's what Boss

Seinfeld turned down on our behalf. Well,

Boss on behalf of Radar O'Reilly.

Meathead, Rerun and all the other

second fiddles who never got a

decent paycheck. It's payback time. Ohh

yeah.

Michael Richards setting up for a pylon

and ohh, he pulls a Kramer.

OK, why do they call it

internal bleeding? If it's internal, it's

not really bleeding, is it?

Folks, this was an ambush, pure and

simple. We wrestling announcers are

usually so sharp and perceptive about

things like that. Just goes to show you

never know what's gonna happen here on

Celebrity Deathmatch. Folks, we are

desperately out of time. I'm Nick

Diamond. And I'm Johnny Gomez. We'll see

you next week. Good. Say

goodnight.