01x02 - Where is Stallone?

[bunniefuu]

Witness the queen size carnage as daytime

talk show behemoths collide. Feel the

noise AS2 rock star brothers bash each

other's brains in and fasten your

seatbelts as the world's two biggest

action heroes. Decide who is most

motto tonight talk.

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello, everyone. I'm Nick Diamond. I'm

Johnny Gomez. And tonight we are proud to

introduce our special commentator, the

high Priest of Lopez, wrestling champion

Stone Cold Steve Austin. Thanks, Nick.

And I think it's safe to say this

is going to be one for the record

books. Absolutely, Steve. We've got some

fierce. There's competitors out there

tonight. First off, it's a showdown

between Oprah Winfrey, the undisputed

queen of daytime TV, and Rosie O'Donnell,

the fiery upstart who's breathing down

her neck. There's Great Johnny. You want

to talk about two cats in a bag? That's

Oprah and Rosie. These chicks can fight,

and they fight ugly. You're looking at a

street brawl. And that's the bottom line.

And then the action gets even hotter as

the two fisted Gallagher brothers of the

British supergroup Oasis take their long

running feud into the ring. What is your

classic Annabel matchup, Nick? 2 maniacs

have been punching each other's lights

out since the wound and let me tell you

something, they might look like 2

scrawny. Fancy boys, but you give them a

few pints of lager and they can do some

property damage. And of course, the big

enchilada tonight is the battle of the

action heroes Stallone versus

Schwarzenegger. It's amazing that No 2

Studios could afford to bring these two

mega stars together, but we've got them

here for you tonight. Tom. Celebrity

Dispatch.

That's right, Johnny. Hollywood's two

biggest, baddest tough guys butting heads

for the first time ever. It's Rambo

versus the Terminator, Rocky versus the

Predator, Kindergarten Cop versus the guy

from Stop or My Mom Will sh**t. It

should be a bloodbath to remember. OK,

we're going to get to our first fight.

Just a moment, but before we do, let's

check in with our own Stacey Cornbread,

who's in the locker room with Liam

Gallagher, the lead singer of Oasis.

Stacey. Thanks, Johnny. Liam, you and

your brother Noel been slapping each

other silly for years. How does it feel

to finally take this sibling rivalry into

the ring? Well, I'll tell you what,

Stacey love. The answer in a single

bloody question. Until somebody does

something about this bar. What seems to

be the problem? What seems to be the

problem? Open your freaking eyes, love.

Look at this American logging. Taste

worse than pisssed. 3 bottles of vodka.

But where's the Bloody Mary mix? I'm

bigger than Jesus Christ now I can't get

a proper Bloody Mary. It's rubbish, isn't

it?Ohh hello love, you're looking

lovely tonight. Have a **** a rock'n'roll

star before start off your winker before

I kick your **** back to Manchester. Ohh,

I'd like to see you try you cheeky little

proof. So how about love come back to me

dressing room, have a shade or two off.

She doesn't want to **** you. If she's

******** anyone it's going to be me. Why

don't we get back to tonight's fight? You

wanna rock? Ohh. Bust your God open for

you right now. You're smelly, I'm 20,

you're good. You think you've got what it

takes? Definitely. Maybe, man. Come on,

let's go back to you, Nick and Johnny.

Thanks, Stacey. Johnny, you gotta wonder

what their mother fed those boys growing

up. Mostly beer is my guess. Let's just

hope they're both still alive by the

opening bell. Speaking of which, it's

time for our first match of the night.

Let's get this fire started.

Introducing first in the red corner

from the Windy City of Chicago,

the most powerful woman in television,

the queen of daytime talk, Oprah

Winfrey. Hi everybody, how y'all doing?

Today we'll be discussing a topic

that's very close to my heart.

Talk show wannabes. And the women who

kicked their fat *****.

And her opponent from New York City, the

number one challenger to Oprah's talk

show supremacy, Rosie O'Donnell. Hi,

people, listen up. I just want to say

that I'm actually a huge fan of Oprahs.

I have followed her career closely. I

keep a scrapbook of all her

accomplishments. That's why it's going to

be a special honor. Camera snap a

thick Turkey neck.

Thank you. Thank you. Here you go,

darling. Have a delicious king Ding.

They're fabulous. And now the man

controlling tonight's action. Referee

Mills Lane. OK. I've explained the rules

to you both several times. I expect

a tough, clean fight. Obey my commands

at all times. Any question. I have

one, Mr. Lane. Blues. But does Rosie

kiss more Tom Cruise or Barbara

Streisand? I've got another one. Which is

more pathetic Oprahs show or her stupid

weight obsession? How about this one Mr.

Lane? Who would you rather have sex

with, Rosie or Free Willy? Let's get

it on, here we go.

Oprah and Rosie sizing each other

up now, waiting for a moment

to strike and here comes Oprah.

Wow, body lock.

And it's good night Rosie.

Ohh, looking to finish her

off.

Ohh Rosies gone power practic.

Ohh I hate it when

that happens.

Ohh, Oprah's got a foreign object. It

looks like the new Toni Morrison book.

Ohh, talk about your heavy reading.

That's gotta leave a bookmark.

Ohh, Airborne.

Delicious chocolate.

I can't believe it. I survived. It's a

miracle.

Referee Mills Lane is starting his 10

count. Oprah's got to get back inside the

ring by 10. Will be disqualified. Can she

make it? It doesn't look good, Nick.

Come on, Rosie, how about a

nice delicious king? Ding Ding Dings

Ohh, give me, give me the

king. Ding ohh. Speak to me.

Can you go on?

She's good. Let's fight. Oprah

is moving in for the

k*ll and it's the drilling

double headlock. What's this? Someones

parachuting into the ring? Well,

now I have seen everything.

That's Jerry Springer. Unbelievable.

Ladies. Ladies. Yelling insults and fist

fighting on national TV? Shame on

you. Have you

ever heard of quality programming? That's

it. This runs over this qualifying

come from disqualified. Ladies and

gentlemen, Mills Lane has ended this

fight due to outside interference. And

what's Jerry doing? Time now for

my final thought. The subject talk

show hosts. The question does bigger

always mean better? The answer? No

way. That's why right now in

front of millions of people are

publicly challenged, both of you gas

bags to the most dangerous match

of them all, the dreaded no

holds barred steel cage. Three-way dance

of death, three talk show hosts

go into the cage. Only one

comes out. It's that simple. You're

on now. You heard it right

here, people. Oprah, Rosie, Jerry, three

big mouth host in a cage

match to the finish. The kind

of host. Slaughter that you're lonely fat

here on Celebrity Deathmatch. We'll

certainly be looking forward to that one.

We've got more celebrity mayhem to come,

but right now, let's check back with

Stacey Cornbread, who's still in the

locker room with the Gallagher brothers.

Stacey, how's the mood back there? Well,

Johnny, as you can see, these two

brothers may hate. Each other's guts. But

there's one thing that can still bring

them together and that's the music.

You're outta tune. Your Shaggy from like

Castle. You're the one that's out too.

Ohh yeah, yeah. Come on. You're bloody

********. You wanna go with me? Come

here, Stacey. What's going on in there?

Never mind. Back to you guys.

Well, folks, as you saw there, that

matches greased up and ready for the

event. When we come back, we'll have Liam

and Noel Gallagher in the ring. Brother

to brother Hooligan, tough hooligans. So

stay tuned for more Celebrity Deathmatch.

Welcome. Our second fight of the night

is just about to get underway, but first,

let's go to Stacy down on the floor.

Stacey, I understand you have an update

on the Stallone Schwarzenegger match.

Yes, I do. Johnny, I'm being told that

Sylvester Stallone has not arrived in the

arena yet. I repeat, he has not arrived.

He was scheduled to be here over an hour.

Go for his weigh in, but so far, Johnny,

he is missing in action. Want to know

where Stallone is? I'll tell you that he

is. He's home hiding under his momma's

apron. Come on, be serious. Do you really

think Sylvester would have the guts to

face me in the ring? This is a joke

which makes me laugh. He will never show

up. Because he is afraid of what I will

do with his face. Let me show you the

sound Sylvester Stallone likes to make

best.

Well, they say only sticks and stones can

break bones, but those words have got to

hurt Sylvester Stallone. And you're not

kidding, Johnny. Arnold Schwarzenegger

throwing down the gauntlet here tonight.

If Stallone backs down now, he's going to

have a nice big plate of crowdy. We'll

keep you abreast of the situation as it

develops, but right now, we're ready for

our second fighter. Ladies and

gentlemen all the way from Manchester,

England, the lead singer of Oasis,

the king of the bar brawl

himself, Liam Gallagher.

Ohh you stupid Yanks who kissed me

perfumed ****. But don't forget to boil

records. Also healing from Manchester,

Liam's brother, the lead guitarist of

Oasis, Noel Gallagher. Hey, where's that

bird with more before you go or

thought we was going to have a

shame. Brothers trying to follow

what I'm saying. I want a good clean

fight and if you have to be sick, don't

do it in my ring. Let's tango.

Knowledge. Some canvas that time.

Actually, I think that was Leo.

Are you sure? No.

These boys don't seem to know which end

is up here, Johnny, but someone's in for

a rude awakening. Nice

move there by Liam. So that's Liam

that yes, I believe it is.

This is a technique Liam learned

in his local pub. It seems

to be quite effective. Ohh, lookout.

Say it, say it. Sold off this

out, you sweaty tomato. No gives Liam

the wax job without the wax. He's

kidding it a few wax after all.

Bloody hell, time out.

Looks like Liam's taking a refreshment

break there. He sure could use one.

It's the infamous bottle Tosh. I think he

majored in the bottle tossing back in

high school. Liam

couldn't wasting that damn beer. I'll

shut your ***** out of here. No, Chuck

your bloody **** out of, he posted.

What's Liam up to now? I'm not sure, but

Noah's not waiting around to find out.

That will shut your big gob. Ohh,

good recovery by Liam. These guys don't

know the meaning of the word surrender.

Nick, It looks like this one could

go all night.

Then again, maybe I spoke too soon. Holy

mother, it's the lucky prop comic

Gallagher. Ohh, that big hammer makes me

laugh. I just can't believe it. Johnny.

First Jerry Springer and now this? What

the bloody hell?

Thanks mate, I owe you 1 don't

mention it. Why you mad runner?

Unbelievable. Gallagher has just taken

out the Gallaghers. You know, Liam and

Noel were pretty drunk when this match

began, but now you'd have to say they're

hammered. Guys, I've said it before and

I'll say it again, Gallagher is the

greatest ever based comic working today

and he's proven it here again tonight.

Wow, what an exciting finish. Let's take

another look at the thrilling conclusion

to this fight. Stone cold. Tell us what's

happening. Alright, as you can see it

again at your brothers will come with

their pants around their ankles and their

***** in the breeze. You see Gallagher

winding up with a big old hammer and bam,

it's lights out for limb. It's going to

take more than an aspirin to cure. That

headache. Here we are. A moment later,

Gallagher winds up again. No, takes the

last good look at the world as we know

it and split in the story. That's all she

wrote. Go home, kiss the wife and kids,

turn out the lights. The party's over.

Well, one things for sure, this is a sad

day indeed for fans of Beatles imitators

everywhere. It's. Quickly is we're going

to take a break now, but when we come

back, we've got our main event,

Schwarzenegger and Stallone. The battle

of the action heroes don't go away.

Welcome back. What an exciting night it's

been so far. First, we saw Jerry Springer

make a surprise guest. Appearance on the

Oprah Rosie Show. Then we have the

comedian Gallagher hammering out his

differences with Oasis. Right, Nick? But

now it's time for our headline match and

the big news is that Sylvester Stallone

has still not shown up. So tonight, for

your listening pleasure, we proudly

introduce our very own house band. Looks

sick.

Wow, those guys can rock.

However, I'm afraid I've got some more

bad news. Sylvester Stallone is still

nowhere to be found inside this arena.

There's hard to believe Johnny, but who

likes to alone is backing down from his

fight. He doesn't have the stones to show

his face here tonight, and let me tell

you, this crowd is letting him know

exactly how they feel about it. And so

is. Arnold Schwarzenegger 90s on

gentleman Wrestling fans around the

world, let it be known. Let

it be known once and for

all that Arnold Schwarzenegger is truly

the last action hero.

Thank you. Thank you. I just want to

say that my opponent has shown his true

colors tonight, and those colors are

yellow. Sylvester Stallone is afraid to

show his girly face here tonight. And I

say that this man is finished for good.

He is washing off. It is over.

Unbelievable. Let's go.

Ohh yeah, wonderful event. So many big

celebrities, so many great fighters.

Let's just alone can I get your

autograph?

So glad you could drop

by and we're off to

a brutal start here, ladies

and gentlemen. Ohh hey, take

it easy. I'm just a

stunt double. Watch your mind.

Let's hope that cable holds slides still

trying to shed those extra comp land

pounds. He's Liam Lee, traffic was a

ditch.

These guys aren't pulling any punches

here tonight. Ohh, nice day.

Oh oh, someone takes it on the shoulder.

That's some nasty cut, Johnny. Time,

time. It looks like Mills Lane might

stop the fight. I need a doctor

in here. Back away. I don't need

no stinking. Dr. Stallone appears to be

utilizing an all first aid remedy there.

g*n powder. Kids don't

try this at home. I take back what I said

about Stallone earlier. A man who could

do that ain't no Hollywood Sissy boy, and

that's the bottom line.

You.

Get out of my ring.

Moe's got Schwarzenegger right where he

wants him. Now he's facing himself,

setting him up, and he's out of

there. Ohh, looks like Arnold called in

a*tillery strike vest and pieces.

Yo, you could really hurt somebody with

this thing.

Wow, that's a tough breakfast alone. Not

to mention the cleanup crew. Nick, I

am Davina. I am Davina Stallone. You

know where you are. Are you OK?

Thank you. How many fingers am I

holding up? Schwarzenegger has done it.

There's nothing left of Stallone but a

big. Seen on the canvas.

It looks like.

Ohh, an expl*sive double

haymaker and both men

are down 2.





and

the

winner

is

Sylvester

Stallone.

What an incredible finish. Arnold really

had this one kicked out from under him.

I didn't Adrian until the long

must be delirious Johnny. He thinks

he's doing Rocky Six. Wait a

minute, I stand corrected. It looks

like he's calling out to TJ

****** star. Adrian seemed. Yeah, a

very talented actor. We're going to

go quickly. Now to Stacey Cornbread with

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold, do you

have anything to say to all your fans

out there? Yes, I do. Ohh, my back.

Thank you, Arnold, and give my best to

Maria. Back to you, Nick. Thanks, Stacey.

Well folks, it's been a night to

remember, but right now we are out of

time. I'm Nick Diamond, I'm Stone Cold

Steve Austin, and I'm Johnny Gomez. On

behalf of all of us here at Celebrity

Deathmatch. Good fight, good night.