01x03 - The Mystery of the Loch Ness Monster

[bunniefuu]

What will happen when the world's most

reclusive monsters meet for a very public

altercation? Who will survive in a grudge

match of the big lip rockers? And what

happens when a gap?With funny man tries

to defeat his Lantern George nemesis.

Find out all this and more tonight.

Don celebrity death match.

Hello again, everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez.

And I'm Nick Diamond. Let me tell you,

Johnny, it's a real pressure cooker

inside this arena. Some of tonight's

contestants better get in that rain

before something outrageous happens. Talk

about outrageous. I see we've got Carrot

Top in the audience tonight. And there's

Fran Drescher, TV's The Nanny. And Pauly

Shore. And don't forget about our very

own celebrity Johnny. Ohh man with a

doctorate in destruction, Stone Cold

Steve Austin.

Pain, Ohh, what he said, Nick.

A lot of pain and a

lot of excitement because tonight we've

got a Celebrity Deathmatch. Clay Fairview

simulcast exclusive as the legendary Loch

Ness Monster makes its first television

appearance taking on Bigfoot. Zella

may be chewing up the box office records.

We've got twice the excitement right here

with these two heavyweight monsters. A

lot of people paid a lot of cash to see

Nessie take on Bigfoot, and from the

looks of things, it was money well spent.

I tell you Nick, these two are the

hardest people to get in the same place

at the same time since Batman and Bruce.

Way bottom line folks is that this is

going to be 1 big time monster mash.

Speaking of monstrosities, 2 Titans of

Rock. Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones

and Steven Tyler of Aerosmith will slug

it out for the title of the biggest lifts

in Rock'n'roll. But the real excitement

is in our main event, the battle for

late. When talk show terror David

Letterman takes on his nemesis top rated

talk show tough guy Jay Leno in what

could prove to be the cruelest death

match challenge of all, the electrified

razor wire cage of death. Steve, explain

to our audience what this means. It means

terror, ladies and gentlemen, pure and

simple. We've strung bails of impossibly.

Sharp razor wire around the perimeter of

the ring. One false move and down

celebrity goes home. Short on live 50,000

votes. That'll fry your baloney. I'm glad

I'm up here where it's safe. Me

too, Johnny, but it looks like our

beautiful and courageous correspondent

Stacey Cornbread is down there. In the

thick of things as our competitors

prepare for battle. Stacey. Alright,

Thanks, Nick. I'm here in the locker room

with David Letterman. Dave, tell me what

we can expect to see in tonight's match.

And John #10 Boutros. Boutros. I'm going

to kick Leno's motorcycle ride mass.

Excuse me, You know something?The young

lady, President Clinton sure can put away

them hamburgers and boy, you know, them

New York City cab drivers is unusual. Am

I right, Mary Lou?

My name is Stacy. Yeah. Stacy, Right. Can

I call you Mary Lou? Yeah. Hey, have you

met my hairpiece? Yeah. Here. Say hello

to my hairpiece. Pleased to meet you,

ma'am. I'm Regis Philbin. Wait a minute.

It looks like Jay Leno has entered the

arena. Big

fight tonight, Jay. Your opponent just

told me he's gonna kick your motorcycle

ride and ask what do you have to say to

that Lady? All I know is what I read in

the papers. Look at this headline.

Thanks, Jay. Thanks, Dave. Well, if the

tough talk going on down here is any

indication, this is going to be 1 messy

night back to you guys. Well, it's just

about time for our first undercard bout.

Let's take a look at our combatants in

the red corner at 41 feet long and

weighing in at a staggering 17.

Healing from the beautiful Highlands of

Scotland. It's missing the lock Ness

monster cookers. Bloody ****. Ohh, sweet

Lord of the loft.

Look out, Johnny. Nessie sounds angry.

Well, he probably realizes what a hairy

situation he's in, because Speaking of

Harry in the Blue Corner, hailing from

an undisclosed location somewhere in the

Pacific Northwest, the greediest one of

them all, Bigfoot. Some call him

Bigfoot, some call him Sasquatch, but I

just call him deadly. I call him but

ugly. Gentlemen, I have just been

informed that we've got a record number

of television viewers watching this at

home on clay preview. These are two tough

competitors and neither is going to take

the canvas early. Frankly, I wouldn't be

surprised if this fight runs all night.

Now, if that happens, ladies and

gentlemen, the network has allowed us to

preempt any upcoming programming on this

station, and you have our death match

guarantee that all of the belts in

tonight's clay preview lineup will be

shown in their entirety. Johnny, it looks

like they're ready to light this candle.

Let's see what referee Mills Lane has to

say. OK, You both know. Rules No hitting

below the belt, I'll be my commands at

all times, and absolutely no typing in

each other's buttocks any question.

Messy is the winner.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this

fight is over.

What the hell happened? I can't believe

my eyes. Undoubtedly the shortest fight

in death match history. 6 seconds is all

it took for the Lizard King to put

the hairball away. I believe that's

another Clay Purview record, and the

audience doesn't look too pleased about

it either. A lot of paychecks down the

drain. Can we look at that clip? With

one swift move of his flipper, the Loch

Ness Monster slices through its opponent

like a hot knife through butter. And what

was billed as the greatest fight of all

time?Turns out to be a six

second suck fest. I don't know fellas,

Something doesn't feel right about this

one. I smell a fix. Ohh, not

it. Don King is rich. Don King

is rich. I got myself a boatload

of money. Who? What the hell?

I'm free, I'm free. The king is

dead, Long live the monster. Is anyone

seen the animal trainer? I think we

better get messy back in its cage

now. And what the hell is that?

Wanna Ryan?

Lookout Johnny misses on the

rampage. What's up?

Oh, Oh my God, the creature

is totally out of control and

it's just taking Fran Drescher.

Somebody get my lawyer on

the phone.

Somebody called security, get that team

in here now, damn it. This is an

emergency and here comes the security

team that get this situation under

control.

So, Damon said. Cut to a commercial. It

looks like the.

Please stand by.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. For

those of you just joining us, we've

witnessed A tragic turn of events here in

the Deathmatch arena. First, we saw the

Loch Ness Monster take on Bigfoot and at

one sudden move, cut the legendary man

down to size. And the crowd got ugly

and Messy threw a massive temper tantrum,

grabbing Fran Drescher in the process.

Our crack security team is still trying

to get the beast under control.

Meanwhile, let's check our secret green

Room spy Cam to see how the contenders

in tonight's main event are getting

along. As stupid Patricks, that was. A

fresh idea about 10 years ago. Alright,

Not like your monologue jokes, you know

what I'm saying? What are your writers

moonlighted? Cracked magazine. How about

we talk about those top ten lists?



Well, yeah, yeah. Well, Bill Clinton is

really fat. That's true, he is

pretty huge. He's gotta be what, size 80

right? Ohh, at least 90 even.

Our next competitors are just about ready

to take the ring, but before they do, I

just wanted to follow up with our

audience on last week's Celebrity Death

match. If you remember, the Oprah versus

Rosie match was brought to a dramatic

cl*max when competing chatterbox Jerry

Springer arrived, knocking out both the

ladies and challenging. Into a three-way

battle for the top daytime show. And this

rematch will be happening as soon as all

of their agents, lawyers and Live in

lovers get their ducks in a row. But

right now we're moments away from the

battle of the biggest lips and

rock'n'roll, Steven Tyler versus Mick

Jagger. Let's take a look at an incident

that occurred at yesterday's weigh in. OK

Mr. Jagger Stepper, please, please allow

me to introduce myself. Ohh, I know

who you are pee Wee. So zip

up them big asss slips and slap

them on up here. Hey jumping Jack

Flash, I'm gonna knock you on your

scrawny buck tomorrow. Wow, dream on.

Buddy, sing it with me. You know the

words dream on. Ohh. Tense moment

yesterday. And as you can see right now,

things are getting even more tense as the

two combatants make last minute

preparations for their title bout.

Daddy Live.

Ohh, baby. Hey Liv, I'm your daddy,

not him. That y'all stink. How yank

on her daddy. Ain't that right baby?

You lie, me *******. I'll tell you,

let me out of your eyes. Don't

get that Nick and Johnny, things are

really heating up in here. Back to

you. Actually, Stacey, it's quite cool

and they were in it tonight for two

reasons. First of all, David Letterman

has requested that the air conditioning

be turned down to a brisk 48°. And

secondly, Nessie took out the back wall

and there's quite a draft running through

here. Let's go to the street and see

what's going down.

I tell you, Johnny, for the first time

ever, there might be more action outside

the deathmatch arena than there is in the

ring.

Things are heading towards a dramatic

cl*max, but the real mystery remains Why

Fran Drescher? My guess is it's because

she's just so damn irritated. That makes

sense, but then again, she was seated

right next to Pauly Shore and Carrot Top.

Truly a gruesome twosome of irritation.

Well, Nick, maybe our resident. Expert on

violent activities, Stone Cold Steve

Austin has the answer. Steve. Thanks,

guys. The question remains, why Fran

Drescher? Well, let's take a listen. This

here is the sound of the Loch Ness

Monster in the middle of its mating

season.

As I pop up the frequency of the monsters

mating call. And

I add my lake water refraction

harmonizer. It's

plain to see that Friend Drescher's

unpleasant laugh sounds just like the

mating call of that they're locked nest

monster Nick and Johnny the monster you

don't want to k*ll, Friend Drescher. He's

just wants some loving amazing. Thanks,

Steve. Now that is some weird wild

stuff. Ohh.

Weird, wild stuff, huh? Man, I'll never

stop loving that line. Ladies and

gentlemen, please say hello to a TV

legend, the true king of late night and

guest referee, Mr. Johnny Carson. Thanks,

Johnny. Nick. It's a pleasure to be back

on television, especially to see these

two knuckleheads beat the tar out of each

other for something. Neither. In half.

And what's that? That my friends is

class. I heard it

here, ladies and gentlemen, the king of

late night and the king of class, Mr.

Johnny Carson. Hey, Johnny, would you

mind doing that weird wild stuff Lying

again cracks me up. Yes, actually, I

would mind very much.

OK, well we'll see Johnny later on in the

night, but right now our two big lip

rockers are getting ready to start it up.

Let's go to Mills Lane in the ring. OK,

you bumped. Get over here. Now. I want a

good clean fight from both of you. No eye

makeup below, no Sissy dancing. It made

the hugest ***** lips win. Let's get it

on. And we're

off. Honey, we can

only hope this fight doesn't turn out

like the last one. I don't know,

Nick. Are they even fighting? Looks to

me like they're just prancing around like

a couple of schoolgirls. Ohh, baby

brothers and sisters, you're beautiful.

Ohh. Wow. Come on, let's get it

on. And now move. Fight, Damn it, fight.

Some fancy button worked there and

he takes the offensive. Ohh put

some blow delivered by Tyler. No

shelter from Mick on that one.

I tell you, Nick hasn't made this much of

an asset himself since that box office

flop 3 Jack.

Retaliates with the mic stand cannibal.

Ohh. He gives Steven Tyler a

mouthful. Scott

Tyler right where he wants him, and

it looks like he's gonna give him

some lip service, but Steven Tyler's not

gonna take this line down. Good

combination there. And ohh, looks like it

might be lights out for this Glimmer

twin. Not so fast, Johnny. Look out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mix got something

up his sleeve here. There it

is. Mick Checkers. Legendary tongue.

Incredible. Steven Tyler is in trouble.

And makes slipped in the top hits all

over. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodnight

to Steven Tyler. And it looks like Mick

Jagger is the big lift champion. Boy,

that was some intense big lip action.

Talk about tongue tied. Mick lets

loose with the French kiss of

doom and Steven Tyler is out.

Two great fights so far, but

the best is yet to come.

You can feel the electricity, literally,

as our deathmatch technicians ready the



and when we return, David Letterman and

Jay Leno risked life and limb to show

who's boss of the late night airwaves

when celebrity death match continues.

Welcome back. We've just witnessed a

rock'n'roll battle of epic proportions.

Steven Tyler and Mick Jagger displayed

some fancy moves early on. Then Steven

got serious. With his bike stand bearing

it into mixed skull, Make retaliated with

the old catapult trick and the fight

raged on, big lips style. Finally, Mick

showed Steven, whose boss with a tongue

through the torso that would last a

lifetime. A lot of action so far and a

lot more on the way. Let's check in with

Stacey Cornbread to see what's up. Messi

and Fran Drescher Stacey thanks Johnny.

The crowd doesn't know where to look

because so much of the action is going on

outside the ring. As you can see, the

Loch Ness Monster has devastated the

deathmatch arena. Quite an unusual mating

ritual is all I can say. And while Fran

remains trapped in the monsters deadly

clutches, no one has yet made an attempt

to. Rescue her. Thanks, Stacey. Now it's

time to go into the ring, where our

celebrity guest referee Johnny Carson is

preparing to start tonight's main event.

Gentlemen, I taught you both everything

you know, and in spite of this, both of

your shows are almost unwatchable. So I'm

hoping that if you pound the living crap

out of each other in the ring, at least

that will be interesting. Now. Let's get

it on.

Nick, these two talk show Titans seem

pretty evenly matched. Who's your

favorite? Well, Letterman's got the

height advantage, but don't underestimate

Leno's wicked right cross.

Ohh, Jay Leno off to an early

start. Yeah, I won. I won. I'm

number one. I'm number. Victory dance by

Jay, but a little bit premature. Dave

is down but not out.

What's Dave reaching for there? Johnny

Looks like he's got an ace up his sleeve.

Shanghai index card flick A trademark

move of Letterman's honed to perfection

by years of discarding tired old jokes.

I think James had enough

of Dave shenanigans and ohh

good takedown geez. Damn.

Great answers with an elbow to the

chin. Not too much damage inflicted

there. Lookout game. Human flesh and

electrified barbed wire just don't mix.

Good recovery by Leno now. Dave's got

the upper hand. Leno's got Dave right.

Where are you, boxing? Jay got more

than he bargained for on that one.

Quite an embarrassing moment there for

David Letterman. Now it looks like he's

about to. That

sound can only mean one thing, Nessie.

The Loch Ness Monster and Fran Dresser

have consummated their relationship.

Thanks for that image, Johnny. And here

they come, ladies and gentlemen, the

happy couple. With the Saint

Nick that for the first time ever the

monster appears at ease. And for a guy

who's been camera shy all his life, he

certainly doesn't mind all this

attention. He's actually thriving on it.

Ohh, amazing.

Everyone, thank you.

What an incredible turn of events, Essie

Conker's Bigfoot. And as if that weren't

enough, Nessie, then Conker's one of TV's

most beloved and irritating

personalities. Hey, it's that time of the

on TV. Go back to your stupid lake,

you big lobster boy. What he said. Hey,

you want to be on my show?

Still moving this way. It looks like he's

trying to get back into the ring and

better not get too close. Johnny, that

Riggs wired for down. My gosh, she's

heading back. Get out of there. Get out

of there.

Oh oh.

This is unbelievable. Unbelievable is

right. In all my years of wrestling, I

never seen anything like this. Well, as

if we needed anyone to tell us that

sound means the fight is over. There you

go, Nick. That ain't the fight. Bill

Hill. That's the dinner, Bill.

Summertime, come and get it.

Loch Ness BBQ are you?

Hey BBQ Alright and save

me away.

This is not what I came here for.

Another unexpected development brings us

to the end of another fantastic

night on Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Nick

Diamond and I'm Johnny Gomez. Good

fight, good night, and good evening.