01x06 - Nick Returns

[bunniefuu]

Can he wait? Fish, songstress, walloping

weighty traveller? How much mayhem can we

expect when 2 great villains meet? And

will a good old boy take out the most

evil man in America? All this and more

tonight, Don. The Liberty

death match. Hello,

I'm Johnny Gomez, and boy have we got

some great fights lined up for you this

evening. But first, as you may remember,

my co-host Nick Diamond remains in a coma

from an incident that took place on this

very show. Sadly,

Mitch hasn't made any real progress since

that fateful day. So tonight we're

pleased to introduce the winner of our

Celebrity Deathmatch co-host, Confess.

Yes, over the past few weeks, the

excitements been building all across

America. For days, the line of hopeful

contestants has stretched around the

block outside the death match.

An expert panel of judges

assessed each contestant skills. We

have such a lovely show

for you this evening. Welcome

to the celebrity.

Our semifinalists were asked to watch

replays of some of our most brutal bouts

to see if they had the stomach for

action. Deathmatch style. Only one person

made it to the final round. Tonight we

meet the winner of the Celebrity Death

Match Co host contest, Mr. Lenny Stanton.

Yeah, So tell me, Lenny, how did you

win this contest? I saw a lot of

professional talent come through here

yesterday. Ohh, I just snagged the

audition, man. It's like, no big deal.

Could the real reason you won be that

you're the executive producer, son? Ohh,

That's a dirty, ignorant lie, Johnny. I

won this contest. And if

you don't think so, I'll have your ****

out of here so fast you won't be able

to say say, ah, who cares what the hell

you say anyway? Jerking off? Why, you son

of A?Excuse me?

Well, folks, this might be a good time to

check in with my good friend Nick Diamond

in his hospital recovery room. As you can

see, Nick still not responsive, but just

to make him feel more comfortable, we've

propped him up and let him watch his

favorite show. Yeah, well, I hope he

likes seeing my pretty face, man, you

know?My dad. The

executive producer said that if I did

well tonight, I'm gonna be his permanent

replacement. Whoa, I've to do it for me.

Well, good luck, son. It's always

inspiring to have some.

Our first bout tonight is a music

industry grudge match. It all began at

a recent Music Awards ceremony in the

presenter was that big dude John Popper

from Blues Traveler Man, and that fine

fox Fiona Apple was accepting an award.

Congratulations, Fiona. Thank you,

everyone. This award, but I'd like to use

this opportunity to tell you it's a

totally meaningless piece of crap. Man,

what a crazy chick. Hey, if you got

something to say to me, say it to

my face. Ohh. Well I'm sorry you have

so many issues. Who the hell do you

think you are?

Somebody who never buy any in your CD's.

As usually happens when the rich and

famous come to blows, they end up

settling their disagreements in the death

match arena. Ohh, that's right man.

That's the part I like when they kick

each other's ***** you know? I really,

really dig that stuff. Glad you

like it, Lenny. Now let's

get the action started. Introducing

first that shadowboxing criminal herself,

Fiona Apple. Stop

it, you're contributing to noise

pollution and her opponent from

Blues Traveler, the harmonica. Packen,

John Popper.

Nice to be here. I guess. I don't want

to hurt anybody. You're both big hits in

the pop world. Let's see if you can score

in the ring. Let's get it on. And here

we go. Fiona, this doesn't have to go

down this way. How about I buy you a

Happy Meal and let's be friends? I've got

no. Friends.

But don't worry.

Fiona. Fiona charges and ohh and

elbow to the teeth, leaving her

with one less reason to smile.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Fiona, are

you OK? How about I show you what

it's really like to have the blue?

Oh my God. Of

her teeth and broken her arm Yeah, good

thing she already made that sexy

underwear video. Man check for broken

arms just on his sexy. You know there's a

fight going on here. Save your perverted

chit chat for later. Hey, Johnny boy, you

can't talk to me like that. I'm gonna

tell my dad.

Incredible. Looks like Fiona's flying

leap of fury has broken both of her

legs. Ohh, no way she's getting up from

that. It's over man. The fights over this

has gone too far. Here, let me give

you a hand. No, I'll give you more

time. No cheese, No,

my harmonic is all screwed up.

Check it out. The chick is still raging

on. She's an apple with a ******** Lenny.

This crowd is starting to turn. They

admire this little girl's gumption. This

is it Popper. You and your horde are

going to go down hard. Fiona. Let's just

call it quits and get you some medical

attention. Catfight.

Get off. That really stinks.

Oh oh. Fiona's

taken public down. I can't believe

it.

Before I finish this guy off, I just

want to say one thing. Everybody who's

out there watching Celebrity Deathmatch,

this show is a load of bull and

you shouldn't model your life.

Wait a second. Life

after the way we celebrities k*ll each

other and how we break each other's arms

and legs and everything. Go with

yourself, go with yourself. How does she

think she is OK? Get the hell off

the stage. Come on man, you got to

take her out already. You got to give

the people what they want.

Oh, oh, looks like that little

lady let success go to her

head. Yeah, a lot of attitude,

but not much upstairs. Not anymore.

What is this?What

the hell are you looking at? This has

been a real roller coaster ride tonight,

and we've got more coming up after these

commercial messages. Wait, like this is

amazing. We've just received news that

Nick Diamond has broken out of the

hospital and stolen an ambulance. What

can this mean? It could mean he's a

thief. We'll try

to hunt down some more information on

this breaking development coming up next,

Gary Oldman versus Christopher Walken in

a big boy brawl to find out who's

the greatest villain of them all.

Coming up next, Gary Oldman versus

Christopher Walken, who's the biggest,

baddest villain. Welcome back, ladies and

gentlemen. We've just been watching some

astonishing footage. It's a live feed

from the Channel 76 Hot. Who's

helicopter?

They tell me that the driver of this

vehicle is our very own Nick Diamond.

Which seems to be in a hurry to get

somewhere. Yeah, it looks like

he's heading straight to Loserville. Man

should have stayed in his coma. Hey, kid,

your dad may be the producer of this

show, but nobody talks that way about

Nick Diamond while I'm around. Yeah,

well, you can be replaced. I mean, how

much does it cost to rent a chimpanzee in

a tux? Little sack of. I'm

hearing from the floor that Christopher

Walken and Gary Oldman are ready to tear

each other's throats out and we certainly

wouldn't want to miss that. So how's your

kid Gary? Ohh, he's doing fantastic mate.

I took him to see Lost in Space and he

really seemed to enjoy it. I keep telling

my agent get me in a G rated family pick,

you know I'll play anything. No matter

what, they always want me to be some kind

of sick, sadistic freak. Yeah, the top

casing is bloody ridiculous, but it's

good money, isn't it? They do a little

Shakespeare in the Park and you'll feel

better. For the ring, well,

Lenny, who do you thinks the bigger

villain here, the American Christopher

Walken or the brick Gary Oldman are

walking for? Cool dude with a lot of

impact in small roles. Old man's a

flashier guy, and he did rough up

Harrison Ford in Air Force One pretty

good. Let's line up the stats.

Christopher Walken's most memorable

villain roles Crazed Vietnam vet,

psychotic mafia boss and New York

drug kingpin. Signature villain look. Bug

eyes can go from normal to

psycho in three seconds. Gary Oldman's

most memorable villain roles Violent punk

rocker. Vicious t*rror1st, creepy Dracula

and ill tempered Beethoven. Signature

villain. Look, evil goatee can

go from normal to psycho

in 2.5 seconds. All right

gentlemen, I want a good,

clean, villainous fight. Let's get

it off Good luck.

Break a leg. Just kidding, it'll open.

Waste time preparing for this role.

Walking only the tear. You live out with

my bare teeth. And then I'm going to

start chewing out of Hold up, Gary. I'm

not quite in character yet. I've got to

summon up a sense memory I can work

with. Then you could work

with the feeling of pure, unadulterated

pain. Pretorious

blow from old men. Yes, got

it. Now that it's scary, all

right, you'll stinking piece of human

garbage. Come get some.

Holzman, that's us. With a fierce barrage

of punches to the face, Walking counters

with an inverted mule kick. You like

this? We're gonna do some damage you

won't walk away from. And it goes to the

leg lock. Ohh. Man left himself wide open

for that one. How do you like that? Your

foot. It looks like a pretzel. Put some

salt on it. You could sell that. Coney

Island could be first hit, bud. You got

the face of his psycho, Chris. But when

I'm done with it, it's gonna look like

raw meat and bones.

Nice. Very nice. Just don't touch the

hair, OK? I have very good hair from man

my age. Hey there. The precious hair has

been touched. You'll cross the line. I

made it plain and simple for you, but you

have to go ahead and do it. Christopher

Walken is going psycho k*ller in that

ring. We haven't seen a performance. This

split from him since The Deer Hunter.

You've been under a rock for 20 years,

Johnny. What about his roles in Pulp

Fiction or True Romance? Shut up, kid,

and save the movie trivia for your little

film school buddies. Ohh, I asked you

politely not to touch the hair.

He's invited. Squish and open is

down. Gary. Ohh man, what have

I done?

Well, there's no doubt about it.

Christopher Walken definitely proved his

malevolent medal tonight as psycho numero

Uno. Yeah, he's not the only psycho

around here, man, but at least he's

not going to lose his job tonight.

Gary, snap out of it, man.

Give my boy this man needs medical

attention. We're gonna need some help in

here. Ohh. Gary, let's try to keep

it together. I think I can hear

a siren. It's OK, Gary, Help is

on the way.

What the hell is that?

Is it 10?B.

Hello people, this is Nick

Diamond and I am back.

Thank you, thank you, thank

you. Folks, there is no

celebrity death match without me.

Nick Diamond. Paint, boy, get

your naked **** back to

the morgue. And the new permanent

co-host, Little p*nsy. Nobody sits in my

chair. Well, Nick, I hope our executive

producer is not watching the show

tonight. Where's Roger Ebert? I got a

score to settle with that guy. Gary

was a great guy. I didn't know

him very well. I mean, professionally

respected. Each other, but we operated in

different circles. You see, you rarely

have two villains in the same movie.

Well, this has been one hell of a night,

Nick. Diamonds returned to the show from

the very brink of life and death. How are

you feeling, Nick? I feel a whole lot

better, Johnny. It's great to be back in

addition. It's great to be back and I

feel a whole lot better than Nick. I'm

sure you're just as excited as I am about

our upcoming main bout between Garth

Brooks and Marilyn Manson. You bet. Garza

First time are here on Celebrity

Deathmatch. But Marilyn has an

established track record. Let's take a

look. He took out

Charles Manson with the decision skeleton

pull of death. Then he demolished both

the Spice Girls and Hanson with the

old Death from Above double cross. Those

handsome kids really got their craniums

crunched. What a humiliation. Now let's

take a look at Stacey Cornbread's pre

show. Interviews with tonight's stellar

opponents. It's better to be greater. I

feel a whole lot back. Mr. Brooks,

I understand you decided to challenge

Marilyn Manson after seeing our Deathball



I saw what Marilyn Manson did to

those poor little handsome boys, how he

crushed their slim. Golden haired bodies

with that lighting rig, you know.

I mean, it really, really upset me.

That kind of wholesale slaughter of teen

idols is what gives our country a

bad name. Now I'm going to have

to kick his bone in makeup covered.

But Marilyn, I understand you agreed to

this match with Garth Brooks. As part

of your general campaign to get rid of

music that, as you put it, sucks. That's

right, Stacey, But that's not all. You

see, Garth Brooks is beloved by America's

Heartland. He supports many worthy

charities and leads a good, clean life.

And that, my friends, is why I'm going to

have to crush his egg shaped skull.

Great report from Stacey. Well, Nick,

it's hard to say who's gonna have the

edge in this bout. Before he became a

successful singer, Garth Brooks worked as

a bouncer. Will he be able to throw

Marilyn out of this boozer? Nick, this

seat is awful cold. Anybody got a pair of

pants I can borrow in the red corner

hours?Challenger. A man who wears

his heart on his sleeve. Country

superstar Garth Brooks.

In the blue corner, our

title defender, a man with

a heart as black as



Now you're a little bit country and

you're a little bit gothic. Industrial

rock'n'roll. I want a good clean fight.

Let's get it on. And Garth Brooks comes

out, feet up, kicking.

What do you think you're doing? This

ain't no Oklahoma dancehall. Now here's a

technique we don't see often in this

ring. Garth is employing the hypnotic

line dance, something rarely witnessed

outside of the Deep South.

Yeah, wow. Now, Mary Jane or whatever

your name is, I'm going to knock

you off the charts. You see, I'm

going to give you one punch for

each State of the Union. This one

here is for Tennessee, this ones for

Kentucky, this one's for Alabama. This

ones for West Virginia, Nick, this

is unprecedented. God's got Marilyn

completely hypnotized. This fight could

be over before it's begun. This

ones for Puerto Rico, though, it's

not really a state, just a

Commonwealth. This once forever.

Good morning.

And Marilyn Manson is out of that tracks.

Hey now, careful with that. That guitar

was a personal gift from George Strait.

Ohh. I'd be careful, alright.

Marilyn, does the Rodeo roundup stop

this? This is no way to treat

a grown man.

Give me that guitar, backyard vampire.

Whatever you are, let's go, I

said. You're fighting Darth Junior.

What happened to my hat? And

where's that breeze coming from?

Another astonishing victory for the

evilest man in America.

Wait a minute, there's somebody up in

the. Chat walk Could it be?

OK, Marilyn, here the taste of your own

meddling. Wow, looks like the handsome

kids are going to pull the same dirty

trick on Maryland that he pulled on them.

Cool. Now cut down the lighting rig,Jack.

Looks like John Zachary doesn't have

a steady grip on that chainsaw.

Ohh, my hand.

Oh my God, the Hudson

brothers have taken themselves out.

Ohh the irony.

What's Marilyn doing? Wow. Look at that,

Johnny. Marilyn's autograph, The

deathmatch ring. You came back just at

the right time, Nick. I'm thrilled you

could be here to see this astounding

double cross gone triple tragic. Thanks,

Johnny, but I'm feeling a little.

Obviously. Now can I sit down again? Hey

Nick, glad to have you back man. You

look great. Ohh, you're my kind of guy,

Nick. And mine

too. We'll see you next week. Good

fight, good night.

It's not you.

It's all relative to the size of

your state. You can't see the forest

for the trees and you can't smell

your up and on your legs.