01x08 - The Missing Girl

[bunniefuu]

Ohh, Gothic gladiator, a hip hop

daddy. It's rock versus rap, a

keyboard k*ller, a Beach boy bruiser

with this man to man, Mega

Mayhem, Bruce and to me. Carmen

Nicole. The Battle of

the Hollywood Heavyweight Couples

tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello people. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

yours truly, Nick Diamond. We'd like to

welcome back a very special friend of

ours, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Thanks

guys. This is 1 hell of a fight

lineup you got right here tonight. You

got that right. Our first match tonight

is hard to beat Puff Daddy against Trent

Reznor. 9 inch. Now personally I'm

looking forward to fight #2 John Tesh

versus David Hasselhoff. This ought to be

a 2 fisted slobber knocker and that's the

bottom line. Then it's our main event.

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman versus Bruce

Willis and Demi Moore defining the true

meaning of the phrase. Till death do we

part Johnny. Gruesome to me may have

called it quits to their marriage, but

they're teaming up for one last fight

together here tonight. Well, let's check

in with Stacey Cornbread and see how

they're holding up.



hundred.



great shape for tonight's battle of the

Hollywood heavyweight couples. Have you

been doing much training? Yes, I've been

doing a lot of practice bouts. Earlier

this afternoon I fought with my personal

assistant, then I thought with my

director, my Co stars and the studio and

not one of them had the cajones. To stand

up to me if I had to, I could

KO Cruise and Kidman all by myself. Well,

how about Bruce? Has he been doing any

training for this match?

Honey, wake

up. Wake

the hell up. You're lame *****. You're

making us look bad, right? Alright. Ohh

man. Ohh. Those Planet Hollywood parties.

I think I gave myself a bad

case of harmonica burn. I was having

this crazy dream. I was the planet

Earth and you, you were an asteroid.

And just before I woke up, you were

about to hit me. Wow, that's enough. On

your feet, soldier. Ohh, now drop and

give me 20. Well,

we'd better let to me whip Bruce into

shape back to you, Nick and Johnny, that

to me, you know what she needs someone

who likes to take orders from a beautiful

and strong woman. And that's something I

am very comfortable with.

Our first undercard is between Puff Daddy

and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. It's

a fiercely contested battle of rap versus

rock. Personally, I like the ********

rock like Cougar Mellencamp. How about

you, Nick? Well, Johnny, I've been known

to cut a rug to old dirty ********. Wait

a second. Looks like referee Mills Lane

is ready to kick off.

Before we get started, I've been asked to

make the following announcement. Susie

Brockman, please report to your mommy.

She's waiting for you at the ticket booth

and she loves you very much. OK, let's

get this nervous melee moving now. Puff

Daddy, you're the reigning king of hip

hop and Trent Reznor.

Where's the other guy?

What's the matter, son? You stay up too

late last night. You gotta fight here.

What's the point of doing anything, man?

Life sucks. I hate myself and I hate this

world. Ohh. Looks like Trent is deeply

depressed. Not surprising from a man who

released an album called The Downward

Spiral. It's always darkest before the

dawn, Johnny, but it looks like a little

bit of. Sunshine's heading over to give

Trent a pep talk. Ohh, I'd listen to

me, kid. You gotta get a grip here.

You're fight for more than just yourself

tonight, son. Hell, you're representing

Rock'n'roll, Elvis Presley, Little

Richard, Bill Haley, and Alice Cooper.

Sure, why the hell not? Now remember who.

You're your kid. Repeat to yourself. I

am a very pretty hate machine. I am

a very pretty hate machine. Come on your

long haired punk shelves, some guts into

it. I am a very pretty hate machine

your whole life. Got a

call from one of my peeps.

I am a very pretty hate

machine. I am a very pretty

hate machine. Trent, where's news? Taking

the direct approach. What's the 911?

Look at that breath control. This is

how Sean Puffy Combs got his nickname

mixed like the big bad world crushed

at a huffed and puffed and blue

transpose up. Umm.

Where do I get my hands on you, yo Hola?

Umm.

Using his notorious 9 inch nails, I'm

gonna give you a head like a hole.

Grants got some sharp moves, but puppies

fast on his feet. You know, you think

you're some kind of Freddy Krueger. No

fingernail freaks going to catch Puff

Daddy sleeping.

Flip me some rules. I need some

guaranteed hits. Puffies picking out his

old vinyl collection. What does this

mean, Nick? I don't have an answer

to that. Johnny Man, what do we

got here? Ah, every breath you take

I like. Ohh, going

to cut you like an animal.

That stings. Barry Weiss all around

the world. Ohh, Led Zepp, Kashmir,

the hard stuff.

Oh my God.

Well, Johnny, this is the strategy that's

taking Puff Daddy to the very top of the

music world. That's right, once again,

he's using other people's records to make

his hits.

Life is pain.

Wolves.

Nick, it doesn't look to me like this

match is quite over. It looks like Trent

Reznor's head has a mind of its own.

We knew Trump was a technological Wiz in

the recording studio, but who knew he had

these gizmos built into his hand?

Look at that, those 9 inch nails are

making Puff Daddy down inch by inch.

We've got a couple of real cut ups

in the ring tonight, Johnny. What a

sloppy gore fest. This is sure to upset

Mills Lane. He's a neat freak who likes

to keep things tidy. And the

lunching meat. Hill is this

thing belonged to. I'm a referee, dammit,

not a doctor. Well, stone Cold, you did a

great job getting that gloomy Gus rock

star to stop the naval gazing and start

fighting. Well, the kid just needed the

fire lit under his asss, which is now

several pieces I might add. Gentlemen, if

you take a look at the ring, you'll see

that's no longer the case, like I always

say. Who needs a trained physician when

you've got Mills laying around? Well,

it's not quite right, but it'll do. Would

you look at that, the red guy and the

rock guy are all mixed up. Hell, it's

some kind of crappy rap rock remix.

That's right, Stone Cold Looks like

instead of Puff Daddy and 9 Inch Nails,

we've got Puff Nails and 9 Inch Daddy.

Mills has created some kind of new

music category, but is it called Rack

or ROP? Funny stuff like folks coming

up. 1 calls himself Tesh, the other

Hasselhoff. Feel the fury when 2 muscle

bound madman run amok right after these

messages.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. In

just a few minutes, we'll be watching

John Tesh and David Hasselhoff pound each

other into quivering masses of bloody

pulp and broken bones. First, on a more

serious note, we need to let everybody

inside the deathmatch arena know there's

a little girl lost here tonight. 8 year

old Susie Brockelman is missing. Now

she's carrying her favorite teddy bear

whose name is Mr. Pickles. If you see

this adorable Angel, please take her to

the security desk. Susie, if you're

listening to this. Your mommy is very

worried about you. She's sorry about what

you said. You're not a spoiled brat after

all. OK, enough small people talk. Let's

get back to big people Action Tesh versus

Hasselhoff. He'll have fired up about

this match, and it's really brought out

the ******** fans of rough and rugged

He-man combat. There's enough

testosterone. This audience to fly a

kite, Johnny. That's right, Nick. Even

the three big ***** of Hollywood

tough guys are here tonight.

Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Cigar, Spade,

ohh, that's 4. But I guess

David Spade doesn't really count as

a tough guy. Not in my

tough. My book, Johnny. Let's go down to

Stacey Cohen bread to see how Steven

Seagal sizes up this match. Yeah, Thanks,

Nick. Mr. Segal, as someone who claims to

be an ex CIA operative and a martial arts

master, who are you betting on? Tests or

Hasselhoff? I could take them both out.

There's not a man in this arena who could

stand against me.

Who do you think will be the winner? Nah,

you don't get it, do you? I'm always the

winner. I understand that. You with the

ponytail, sitting your fat ***** down.

Shut your face, you little punk. And you

are. You know who I am.

Ohh I loved you in Godzilla. Ohh wait

that was a slimy lizard with a brain. You

will cease to be.

Wait, I just remembered I have internal

organs to go. You don't want to miss the

Hasselhoff test bike. Why don't you and

Mr. Spade settle this on our show next

week?OK, you

have 7 days to your doom. I

bet you don't even show Sissy boy.

I should get paid extra for these

kind of things. Back to you guys,

thanks. Now let's hear from Stone Cold

Steve Austin, who's prepared a new

segment for us on the Deathmatch. It's

called Stone Colds Fighter Facts. Take it

away. Thanks, Johnny. As we all know,

Hasselhoff and Tests have something in

common besides being two guys you don't

want to meet in a dark alley. It boggles

the mind, but both are incredibly

successful musicians. This turns out some

kind of deeply take piano music and

Hasselhoff is worshipped as a major rock

star over in Crowd Land. Of course, even

though a lot of **** ***** like it, the

fact about these fighters is their music

sucks, but let's hope they strike a major

chord in the ring here tonight. You've

just learned the fighter facts. And

that's the bottom line because Stone Cold

said so. Some great facts. Well, it looks

as if the rings almost ready. They're

just dumping in the last of the sand.

Wow, they did a great job setting this

up. You can almost smell the seagulls. We

should explain at this point. There was a

coin toss a couple of weeks ago over what

kind of setting. The match would take

place in Tech had this crazy idea

of having this fight on the set

of Entertainment Tonight, but Hasselhoff

won the toss, so per his demands

tonight we'll be seeing some beachside

brutality in the red corner. The pleasant

Prince of the new age piano, John

Tesh. And

in the blue corner, Baywatch

brutalizer and Beach Babe employer

David Hasselhoff.

Oh my God. Gentlemen,

the surf is up, so there's no time to

wait. Let's get it on. David,

you can never defeat me. I'm

the supreme master of both bland

television and bland music. Yeah, well,

I've been creating bland TV since

before you even met Mary Hart.

But remember Knight Rider? I sense

trouble, David. Ohh, there's a bully.

Speech. And surprisingly, it's not

Hasselhoff. Don't count him out yet.

He's got a lot more experience

at fighting on a loose, granular

surface. Hasselhoff breads for the

flotation device, and he's got tests

all tied up that life preserver

and they keep. It's from drowning,

but it's not gonna keep him safe

from this deluge. Ohh. What in the

hell? Didn't anyone sweep this beach?

Ohh. Booby trap. Hasselhoff stumbled into

the most dangerous part of this speech.

The hidden medical wastes. They must have

gotten this sand from the Jersey Shore.

Johnny, Hey. Are you OK,

man?

Come on, David, open up to me, man.

Ohh, look out here, unfolding an umbrella

inside someones head is bad luck. Thank

you very much. I'll be appearing in

concert at the Glendale Galleria next

Tuesday night. Looks like David's got a

hold on the umbrella now he's trying

to shake it loose. End. Ohh, he

gives himself a facelift.

Yes, thank you. Thank you everyone.

Your applause is music to my

ears. Hey buddy, I need you

now more than ever before.

And Hasselhoff wins. It's nice to

be working with you again, David.

Incredible. I've seen some tag team

action before, but never of the

automotive kind. Hell is usually no

parking in a death match ring, but I bet

nobody's gonna have the guts to give that

buggy a ticket. We'll be right back with

our main power, the battle of the

Hollywood heavyweight couple. Bruce

Willis said to me more against Tom

Cruise. Nicole Kidman, stay with us.

Welcome back, deathmatch friends. We're

just about ready for our main bout, the

Battle of the Hollywood. Heavyweight

couples Bruce Willis and Demi Moore take

on Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. But

first, let's check in with Stacey Conrad,

who's about to conduct a rare interview

with Hollywood's golden couple.

I don't care who the hell you are, I'm

Missus Tom Cruise and nobody gets in here

without my permission. But Miss Kidman,

you've agreed to be on Celebrity

Deathmatch and I'm here to do the pre

fight interview. Look, no one talks to

Tom without his publicist present. That's

how we handle it with all the big

magazines and this little fighting show

is no different. Tom, won't you have

a few words with us? I'm one

of your biggest fans. He's training.

Darn. Interrupt him. It's OK, Nicole, I'm

coming right down. Thanks, Tom.

Thanks so much, Tom, for agreeing to

answer our questions. Actually, Stacey, I

wanted to ask you a question. Have you

read this book? It's called Dianetics.

It's a real page Turner. Ohh. Tom, I'd

read the phone book for you. Back to Nick

and Johnny.

She makes honey look bitter. And her name

is the female version of mine. Nick

Nicole. They sound real nice together.

Nick, let's face it, you haven't got a

chance. Movie stars only like to hang out

with other stars. And you, my friend, are

a very small planet. Let's get this

battle Royale on its throne.

In the red corner, the GI Jane

and regular Joe of Hollywood, Demi Moore

and Bruce Willis. And in the blue

corner, one blockbuster actor and his

bride from down under, Tom Cruise and

Nicole Kidman. OK, people have already

explained the rules to you. Except for

Mr. Cruz, who I wasn't allowed to talk

to, I won.

Good, clean. Let's get it all. Looks

like to me he's trying to sow

some wild oats there, Nick.

Miss, will you please return to your

corner?

Honey, this isn't the time or the place

I think we're about to see the infamous

Yes, the cruise m*ssile.

You said, Tom, start things off

like a couple of probes. Nicole,

I'm your worst nightmare.

The goodbye to your beautiful

complexion. Touch.

Good day, mate. A kangaroo tick.

All those Aussie actresses know that

Marsupial maneuver. Die hard, John. Die

Hard Two. Die Hard three. Stop

making sequels out of my husband's

face. Get out Bruce's back, you

red hair.

Get that? Have you ever seen so many

famous people riding podium on each

other? Hell I've seen four car pile ups

before but never 4 star ones. Oh oh

man, just give me a t*rror1st. This death

match stuff makes my headache.

I don't know if Mr. Pinkle. I

love you, Mr. Pickles. Why isn't that

the missing girls teddy bear?

Up there on the catwalk. Oh my God,

that's that little girl and she's

dangling from the edge. Ever since

Marilyn Manson, the kids have been crazy

to get up on that catwalk. We've really

got to put up some kind of no admittance

sign. I've got to save her. No, I've got

to. It's a mission I choose to

accept. Isn't that a great testament to

human nature? These two guys are no

Hollywood phonies. They really are action

heroes. I'm going to save her. I'm going

to save her. There's no way that little

girl can hold on much longer. They're

actually fighting over who's going to

rescue her. This could turn out to

be a toddler tragedy. What the Hell's

wrong with those guys? They always have

to have top billing.

Ohh no look, the little darling

is losing her grip.

OK.

That's right, little girl. You're going

to be alright. I saved her. I saved her.

No, I saved her. I took the full force

of her fall.

Umm. Enough. You

guys leave the little girl alone. They

keep out of it. This is between me

and Tom. Yeah, that's right. Now let go.

I'm saving this kid. Ohh. That's it.

You're both going down. Look out, fellas.

And Stone Cold is the winner of this

match.

Who looks like Stone Cold has

a heart of gold, Nick Movies

can make you famous, but the

real superstars aren't born in Hollywood.

They're born right here on Celebrity

Deathmatch. You're

a real man. You're my hero. Why don't you

come out clubbing with us tonight? Well,

I'd be happy to escort you ladies. Why

don't you both grab an arm and let's get

the hell out of here. Ohh,

some guys have all the luck and good

luck to all of you out there. Thanks

for watching. Good fight, good night.

Coming soon, David Spade versus Steven

Seagal, Prince Charles versus the artist

formerly known as Prince, and Michael

Jordan versus Dennis Rodman when

celebrity death match continues.