01x10 - Battle of the Bulls

[bunniefuu]

A wisecracking comedian stands up to a

head cracking tough guy, a Prince and a

former Prince settle a personal score.

And basketball's biggest hero goes

one-on-one with the game's biggest

villain. It's all happening tonight.

Celebrity death match.

Good evening. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond, welcoming you to another

exciting night of celebrity carnage. Sit

back and relax as some of your

favorite stars beat each other senseless.

As usual, Johnny, the crowd here tonight

is fired up.

I'll tell you, Nick, we are blessed to

have some of the most quality fans in

professional sports today. Very true. And

it wouldn't be celebrity deathmatch

without a celebrity or two in the crowd.

There's Scotty Pippin of the Chicago

Bulls, who's come out for the big

showdown between Michael Jordan and

Dennis Rodman. And there's basketball.

Fanatic Spike Lee, he wouldn't dream of

missing the Jordan Rodman bout. That's

going to be a beauty. But let's talk

about our first fight. Steven Seagal

versus David Spade, an unlikely matchup,

which all started right here in the Death

Bowl. Let's take a look at this clip

from last week's show. I understand that.

Know what the ponytail? Sit your fat

***** down. You will cease to be.

Yeah, wait, I just remembered

I have internal organs.

What? You and Mr. Spade settled this on

our show next week? Yeah. OK. You have



don't even show, Sissy boy. Tell you

what, Nick, I'll give you a spade at



I got two kids to put through college.

Seriously though, David Spade has his

work cut out for him here tonight, that's

for sure. These men are both successful

actors, but the similarities end there.

Let's take a look at the stats. Steven

Segal 6 four, 200 lbs David Spade,

approximately 4 foot 2. 95 lbs. Segal,

a master of Aquito. Spade, a master

of the snide put down. Segal, known

for playing incredibly lethal action

heroes. Spade, known for playing a snotty

receptionist. Their names are David and

Stephen, but I'll tell you, Johnny, they

might as well be David and Goliath.

Absolutely, Nick. Our fighters have just

entered the ring, so let's get right

to the bloodshed. Ladies and gentlemen,

in the blue corner, the star of

Under Siege, Above the Law and Out

for Justice, A man with a pH

D in destruction, Stevens Cigar entered

the red corner, the star. Tommy

Boy, Black Sheep and TV's Just sh**t

Me a Man who's broken a lot

of funny bones. David Spade.

Yay, we're idiots. OK Spade and Segal,

I expect this to be a hard,

clean fight, and probably a short one

too. Now let's get it on.

Even before we get started, I brought you

a little present. Now where is it? Oh,

here it is. Let me show you something

really funny. Singer OK,

so maybe you won that one,

Segal But where do you see

this move help somebody? Steven Segal's

trying to k*ll me.

Is that all you got? Nice moron,

Back into your cage. Don't wet your

pants, Spade. I'm not a violent man.

He never strike unless struck first.

Ohh, Spade, you hit me.

Hey, come on.

Has speed under siege with a flurry

of kicks and punches. What was speed

thinking sport? You're just lucky I'm not

trying shut your hole. Looks like cigars

on the attack again and he grabs

for the underwear.

That's my sack.

Now I'm going to teach you a lesson

about respect, Johnny. How much

punishment can 1 funny man take? That is

the question here tonight. What do you

have to say now?

You're a total tool. Whoops,

wrong answer. State

Mark Floyd death. He must think he's

above the law, but it looks like Spain

is hard to k*ll. Ohh, that elastic

waistband seems to be caught.

Hey Scotty, can I borrow your ring?

Sure, I got plenty of them. Nick,

that appears to be 1 of Pippin's

championship rings. Hey,

Segal, goodbye.

See. Go speak to me. Can

you continue? Sure I can, Grandpa.

That's the goal. Is dull. That's

it. This fight is over.

Woohoo, the big Duvas is dead

and the winner is David Spade.

Hey, Steven, it's your agent on line 1.

The sequel for Hard to k*ll is off.

Sorry, dude. Well, Johnny, we said from

the beginning that this was going to be

a David and Goliath matchup, but we

didn't know how, right? We were

absolutely, Nick, and we've got a lot

more action still. Here, come. Let's talk

for a moment about our headlines about

Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman. Johnny,

you're going to use crude, simplistic

terms like good versus evil, but what the

hell, exactly? You've got Michael Jordan,

the most revered player ever to put on

a Basketball Jersey, and Dennis Rodman,

the crossdressing freak show who the fans

just love to hate. Put them together and

what are your God hopefully about a 10

share in major urban markets right now.

Let's check in with the lovely Stacey

Cornbread. Dennis, as the so-called bad

boy of the NBA, what's your strategy for

tonight? Stacey, let me say something

straight. That bad boy stuff is nothing

more than media hype. Dennis Rodman is

probably the most misunderstood player in

the league today. But what about the

kicking, the head, butting, the foul

language, OKC? All these things have been

blown way out of proportion. I'm just out

there being myself, keeping it real and

trying to entertain people. Hey Mr.

Rodman, I just want to say that you're

the greatest man, though. I really was.

Surprise when you missed that free throw

the other night. Ohh. Yeah. Was that a

big surprise for you? Well, here's

another one. How about this one and this

one? Help Brown? Ohh. Come on. Oh my God.

Now where were we?I was just

about to check in with Michael Jordan

Asia. We want

to be like, OK, OK, kids, remember, the

best way to be like Mike is to buy

all of his products. Now run along and

tell your parents.

Well, Michael, how does it feel to be

going up against your own teammate

tonight? Well, Stacy, there's always a

few butterflies before no holds barred

fight to the death. But I'm just going to

go out there and do the kind of k*lling

that Michael Jordan does best. And

there's a lot of talk about you retiring

from the NBA. What does the future hold

for a Michael Jordan?Stacey I'm always

looking for new challenges, which is why

I'm giving serious thought to joining the

National Hockey League. I've been working

on my slapshot. Ohh, oops.

Sorry about that man. Let me get you

a complimentary Michael Jordan jersey. OK

then. Thank you, Michael, Nick and

Johnny, back to you. Thanks

Stacey. We are certainly looking forward

to that fight and stay with us folks,

cause when we return, we've got a battle

Royale between Prince Charles and the

artist formerly known as Prince.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch

folks. Some seriously wicked actions so

far. When David Spade went one-on-one

with Steven Segal, There was nothing

funny about the punishment Segal

inflicted on the scrawny comedian. It

looked like the show was over when Spade.

And over the top rope. But he had one

more trick up his sleeve. The old

underwear slingshot does it every time.

There's a lot more ugliness still to

come. That's right, Nick. Let's talk

about our next matchup. 1 is the Prince

of Wales, the other a sex crazed rock

star. What could possibly have brought

them together here tonight? Well, Johnny.

You've heard the expression what's in a

name? In this case, a whole lot of whoop

*****. You see, Prince Charles recently

decided to give the royal family a more

modern feel by changing his name to this.

When the artist formerly known as Prince

got wind of this, well, let's just say

the purple one saw red. And like so many

celebrities. Before them, the two symbols

decided to settle their feud right here

on Celebrity Deathmatch. Both fighters

trained long and hard to get here

tonight, and we have some exclusive

footage that tells the story.

Prince Charles spent months preparing for

this bout. He studied all forms

of combat and warfare, including the

delicate art of fencing, and his

trainer was one of the toughest

in the business, his mother. The Queen

of England. That's it,

that's it. Keep up your God.

Physically, it was quite demanding. This

type of thing is so much

more difficult when one has no

natural athletic ability. The

artist formerly known as Prince also

trained long and hard for this fight.

Ohh you're so good.

Do you like that, my little red

Corvette? Ohh yes. Ohh yes. The artist

formerly known as Prince. Yes. Yes. Ohh.

God yes. Unfortunately, we were unable to

obtain most of that training footage.

Well Nick, these are certainly 2

passionate fighters, wouldn't you say

Nick? Ohh, yes, what you said. And now

folks, let's go down to the floor where

our fighters are making their way to the

ring. There's the artist formerly known

as Prince, and there's the Prince

following the owners, Charles.

Chestnut easy girl. Ohh.

Ohh, and you want to be

king someday? Frightfully sorry, mother.

Artist appears to be pumped up for this

fight. OK,

listen up. You're the artist formerly

known as Prince, and you are the Prince

formerly known as Charles. But just

remember, and they're freeing. I'm the

king known as Mill. I'll be my command

that all time. Now let's get it on.

Prince Charles looks like he's ready to

rumble, and the artist looks like he's

ready to break into a musical number.

Oh yeah, I should warn you,

old boy, I excelled fisticuffs at

even. You can go on the

fisticuffs you want, baby. I've got

the fun.

Did I mention I play all my

own instruments? They easy. What's the

material? It's Prince, formerly known as

Charles is clearly dominating the artist

formerly known as Prince. You're right,

Johnny List, the artist formerly known as

Charles. I mean the Prince formerly known

as artists. That's quite a

fight so far. Look out Charlie, you

don't know where that tongue has been.

I got a# for you right here, Chucky,

my man. I'm the

first to the top of the head.

It's done to get funked up. The

Prince of Wales is in trouble. Nick

the artist has taken him to the

ropes, setting them up for the reverse

powerbomb. Fails it

gets up. Charles number please. It's the

Prince, formerly known as The Artist does

some damage there with his patented love.

Sexy new power leap too nasty for

you? The Artist is working the face

here, but the Prince answers with a

leg toss. He's

on the attack again. He gets busy bending

those arms and legs in ways we can't

even comprehend.

There you are, old boy. Now you look more

like yourself. Now let's

party like it's 1999.

Looks like trouble for the artist

formerly known as Prince Johnny. Let's

phrase it This is a b*mb made for loving,

not for fighting. Alright, Charles.

OHS.

Just being Charlie. You wake up

here, my good fellow. There's no

need to be rude. Look out,

Charles. Let's move

from the purple one there and

the Prince formerly known as I

mean, whatever is taking a royal

beating. Do something. You really are

useless.

Ohh, that crown has thorns.

You're told it's time to perform

your royal duty.

Power vested in me, I Nitrous, her

artist, formerly known as Prince.

The artist is down. Mills Lane comes

in to assess the damage. Ladies and

gentlemen, we have a winner, The Prince

formerly known as Charles.

Isn't she lovely, Johnny? Such

posterity, such poise.

Holy moly, talk about your double

crosses. The Prince has just turned on

his own mother. I've never seen anything

like that. You really want to be

king? I want to be king. My

bloody turn, you old fagg. My dead

body. And

the Queen is on the attack. She's

giving the Prince of beating insolence.

After I paid people to raise you,

this is the thanks I get.

Sorry, Mom, I didn't mean it. Ohh.

And they don't want to hear any

more nonsense about this# Your name is

Charles, Prince of Wales, and you'll like

it. You couldn't

ask for a more dramatic finish. A

mother's son double crossed gonna ride.

It's like something out of a Greek

tragedy. Johnny. I don't know if the

Greeks had celebrities, but they

certainly love wrestling. Our main fight

is just about to get underway. These two

fighters need no introduction. Michael

Jordan, perhaps the greatest player in

the history of. Basketball and Dennis

Rodman, who has the most interesting hair

in the history of the game. They played

side by side on the Chicago Bulls.

They've traveled together, they've

showered together. And tonight they'll

try to k*ll each other. Johnny, it looks

like our fighters are coming out now, so

let's go back down to the floor. There's

Michael Jordan. Making his way through

the crowd. And here

comes Dennis Rodman.

It's clear who the favorite is here

tonight. True, but you've got to give

Rodman credit. He looks sensational in

that gown. Here

we go, Johnny Rodman's got Take No

Prisoners written all over his face. But

don't underestimate Jordan. He doesn't

even know the meaning of the word

surrender.

Gentlemen and Rodman, you know the rules.

This fight is over when one of you

stops breathing. Let's get it on.

You're looking a little slow tonight,

Dennis. Yeah, that's cause your Mama kept

me up all night. That's impossible. My

momma only likes men. Lick The trash

talking is starting already. Ohh. Rodman

appears to be an experienced kickboxer.

Jordan is going to have to play some D

out there. Time to retire, Michael.

You're getting. We'll see about that.

Jordan takes to the sky.

Let's try this move by Air

Jordan. He makes it look so

easy. Whether you're running, jumping or

kicking people in the head, you

ain't got game unless you got

Mikey Jordan. Heading up again then.

Ohh, another beautiful move. It's just

like ballet. Michael returns to his

corner for a refreshment.

Something gives me a thirst, like a good

beat down. That's when I reach for a cool

can of pepper.

Oh oh.

Dennis Rodman has somehow gotten the

bucket of basketballs into this arena.

Hey there, Michael. Thanks

kid. Ohh, Jordan's got her back. And

as we all know, he once played

professional baseball. We're going to

miss that. Strike two and Michael Jordan

goes down swinging. Looking good.

Michael, I don't know why you didn't make

it in baseball. Forget I don't need a bat

to beat your. Sorry.

These two first competitors are really

going at it now.

The infamous Rudman headbutt.

Those head butts are taking a toll.

Michael Jordan is in trouble.

Ohh, look out.

Hey Michael, check out this jump shot.

Ohh and Rubin fouls out

Michael Jordan's back on his

feet. OHH and he's stocks

one. Come on Dennis,

let's play some ball.

Look at those moves. He's using the power

of the basketball to where his opponent

down. I think Rodman has just about had

it. Michael Jordan is in the zone.

He's up.

It's good.

Beautiful slam dunk and this fight

is history and the winner is

Michael Jordan. Thank you all for

your support on the way home.

Why not take the family to

Clucky Chicken? Because it's always the

right time for chicken class act

that Michael Jordan women want. Men

want to be him. Well, folks, we are

just about out of time. On behalf of

everyone here at Celebrity Deathmatch,

I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond

saying good fight, good night.

Coming up next week, Gillian Anderson

and David Duchovny versus Will Smith

and Tommy Lee Jones when Celebrity

Deathmatch continues.