01x11 - 37th Annual Sci-Fi Fight Night

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to MTV Celebrity

Deathmatch.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please

rise now for the National Anthem as

sung by Miss Céline Dion?

Can you

see?

By the Dawns.

What so proudly

we?

Turn around.

With what?

Who is Farage trades and

Bright Stars?

The road, the pair.

For the.

Actually.

Folks, this is Celebrity Death Match. I'm

Nick Diamond, but beyond that, I have

absolutely no idea what the Hell's

breaking loose. How about you, Johnny?

Well, as far as I can tell, that's

Prodigy's Keith Flint up there. And he,

like most people, has simply had enough

of Céline Dion. Let's

watch.

That chick flick really knows how to work

a crowd. He's rattling them up and

they're loving every minute of it.

Normally, the singing of our national

anthem is one of Death Match's most

beautiful moments. But tonight? Well,

tonight it's gotten downright ugly and

it's about to get even uglier. Yeah, I

mean, I hate Céline Dion. As much as

the next guy, But this is beautiful.

Crying out loud, the woman weighs 58 lbs.

Whoa, would you look at that, Deon was

playing possum all along.

Ohh.

Ohh wow Ouch time to call

the hair club for insane punk

clown Who to thunk it that

little gals are Celine mean fighting

machine. Ohh, your

body piercing can be quite painful,

especially when you've got magnetic

objects around.

Mercy Boku.

Ohh.

For a neo punk superstar, he certainly

runs like a p*nsy. And here comes Celine.

She's got him set up for a rodeo

takedown. I've heard of people being into

******* but who thought anyone would be

willing to subject themselves to this

kind of punishment?

Oh my God that's inhuman. It's just

heartless the way she's pummeling that

pitiful little euro trash maniac. Poor

little punk.

Nice head grip.

Again, Wow, French Canadians are

really weird.

My God, I don't believe we've ever

sanctioned about between a human being

and a parasitic exploding alien before.

Not this season, anyway. By the way,

Nick, Celine Dion's liver is on your

head. You might want to just.

The land of

the seven tentacled

hydroplanes and the

home of the

sideline.

I know your true and only in America

could a guy like me buy a drink like

this at an event like this.

Give up human,

you cannot hope

to win. Satan

has spoken. Ohh.

Johnny Chief Flint really starts things

off with a bang, but apparently there's

more to Céline Dion than flesh and bone.

She gives Flint a run for his money

and manages to wolf down a light snack

on the process. Weldon, blood, death,

carnage, exploding pop singers, and alien

invasion and we haven't even officially

started. I'll show you that can mean only

one thing, Johnny. This must be our 37th

annual Celebrity Deathmatch Science

Fiction Fight Night. Right you are, Mr.

Diamond. Coming up next, we've got a

special visit by two of sci-fi's greatest

living legends. And after that, it's the

one the world's been waiting for, Men in

Black, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.

Battling it out with The X-Files, David

Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. Nice

smelling nice award Nick. Is that what

that is? Before we go to break, we've

got a very special surprise to share with

you. Our own Celebrity Deathmatch Megamix

Hit it.

Here we go, Johnny. OK, let's get it

on. Let's let's, let's, let's, let's get

it off. Get it on tonight.

Deathmatch, deathmatch, deathmatch,

deathmatch. And that's the bottom line.

Cause Stone Cold said so set.

So OK, let's get it on.

Let's get, let's get, let's get

it on. Get it on.

Oh my God. Let's get home. Get

home. Oh, Oh my God. Ohh. But

I don't know what to make of

this. Johnny. It's incredible. I can't

believe it. OK, let's get home. Let's

get. Let's get. Let's get it home.

Get it home.

Ohh.

Ohh. Ohh,

I'd gladly lock good combination there.

And well, listen up, we're going

to sell this in a deathmatch

ring. Deathmatch ring, deathmatch ring.

OK, fighters ready.

Get off.

And we're off.

Death Match. Death match.

Dead man's death match.

Step back. Step back.

Give me the hell yeah.

Give me another hill, yeah?

Give me one more. Hell yeah.

Another fantastic night on Celebrity

Deathmatch. I'm Nick Diamond. I'm

Tony Coleman. Good fight. Goodnight.

Goodnight. Goodnight. Goodnight.

Wow, what a great video. Don't go away,

we've got 4 carnage after this.

Welcome back to a Celebrity deathmatch

sci-fi extravaganza where we've just

witnessed a close encounter of the

absurd. Right. That's right, folks.

Céline Dion was singing the national

anthem when a chair wheeled and Keith

Flynn caught her by surprise. The

surprise turned out to be on Flint as

Celine revealed herself to be an

extraterrestrial, and a nasty one at

that. Little ****** jumped out of the

ring and right into the skull of Don

King. You know he's. How to space gate

crashes really get my blood boiling.

What's it all about, Johnny? I don't

know, Nick, but we've beefed up security

and sealed off the deathmatch arena in

order to minimize any risk of an

intergalactic. Earthlings, I'm

gonna kick your ***** and take over

your whole freaking planet that you feel

about that. Did you hear that?

Why? I thought easy Mitch, our elite

security team is on the case and their

orders are to terminate with extreme

prejudice. You can rest assured that that

little green ******* wouldn't be getting

out of here alive.

Ohh, perhaps I spoke too soon. In any

event, it's time for us to go down to

the ring, where we've got a special.

You know, I may have to go down

there and take care of that situation

myself. Yeah, right. Laugh it up, Gomez.

I'll have you know I used to be

a Golden Gloves champion, light

heavyweight division. I've still got

moves. If you say so. Anyway, we've

got a few heavyweights of our own

joining us now in the Death Match

ring. It's time for our Sci-fi Celebrity



trilogy. Please welcome Mr. Luke

Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill, and you

know him as to Boca the Wookie,

Peter Mayhew. Hi guys, welcome

to the show. Thanks Stacey. You know you



the whole Galaxy. Let's take a moment now

and see what a few of them have to say.

I understand that Harrison Ford gets $25

million of film. You can't even land the

TV movie of the Week. Doesn't that ****

you off? Yes, as a matter of fact, it

does. Next question. So what starts Lucas

really? Like, jeez, it's hard to say.

He's a very private person and, well, he

won't return my calls. Ohh yes, this

question is for Peter Mayhew. Would you

mind doing your famous Chewbacca growl

for us? I'm sorry, I really can't. You

see that growl was actually a sound

effect created in a studio and it would

be inappropriate for me to humor us.

Julie, Julie. Julie. Julie.

Ohh, right if I

must.

Nobody talks that way about my Mama.

Thank your pardon.

Ohh, like Tread believe what's going on

in here. The alien is just taking

out Peter Mayhew, but he's not stopping

there.

Mark. Mark. Yes, yes, I hear

you. Trust your feelings, Mark. OK,

OK. What should I do? Get

the hell out of there.

Ohh. Oh,

oh, oh, the green

son of a biatch

just k*lled Mark Hamill

and enough is enough,

hey?Nick,

Nick, get back up here and

leave this to the professionals who

guard our hypersensitive:

All right, you've seen Amorphic Freak.

I've got a close encounter for you

right here.

Nick Diamond has opted to take on this

alien misfit single handedly and now he's

OHH. The alien starts things off with a

claw swipe that's got Nick Diamond all

fired up the aliens down, but not for

long. Ohh, he's got

Nick in a chokehold.

And ohh, good defensive move there,

Nikki. Those reflexes

aren't what they used to be. He's

wiping the floor with thick diamond. Ohh.

How long can this go on? I,

I, I can't believe what I'm seeing.

Come on. Damn it. Get out of

there. Get out of there.

A pile driver. How much punishment

can one man take?

Shut the hell up. You're next,

you beer guzzling fat *****. Then

you, you, you're all a bunch

of suckers.

What's Nick Diamond up to now? Does he

have a plan?

Everyone here, Come on.

Who's next, Peekaboo?

Yes, there it is, ladies and

gentlemen, the infamous eyeball plunge

followed up by the legendary brain

pull. Nice touch there, Mr. Diamond.

And Nick is the winner.

I must say, Nick, that was really

something. For the rest of you space

creatures and galactic weirdos, the next

time you think about coming down here and

messing with us Earthlings, think again.

I second that emotion. It might be hard

to top what you've just seen here on

Celebrity Deathmatch. But we're certainly

going to try as we look out into the

faces of this crowd. What can you say,

Nick, except this is the big one. This is

where the arguments get settled once and

for all. That's right, Johnny, It's a

beautiful thing I named all over America

right now, nerds of every race, creed and

religion are huddled together around

their TV. That's rooting for one of

tonight's fighters to kick the others

ash. It's a truly momentous event. And

tonight you can own a piece of

sci-fi history with this beautiful and

highly collectible commemorative

Celebrity Deathmatch plate. It's just



of just 100. 16,000,000 pieces and it

could conceivably maybe go up in value

someday. Maybe if you act now, you

can also get in on these fabulous

Celebrity Deathmatch action figures.

Simply cut out the face of your

favorite star from any magazine, attach

it to the rubber grip combat head,

and presto. You've got instant death

match action order now and you can

have two action figures for the price

of one. Just two hundred 1999 checks

should be made payable to Nick and

Johnny Enterprises operators are standing

by. Also standing by are tonight's main

event competitors. Let's do it in the

blue corner. These actors are the best

kept secret of the universe from Men in

Black. Here are Tommy Lee Jones and Will

Smith.

And in the red corner from

Vancouver, Los Angeles and Vancouver

again, here are The X-Files stars

Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny.

Ohh, Mr. Taylor, honey, please don't make

me stand here all day waiting to kick

your pensive little *****. Call me crazy,

but something about this fight just

doesn't seem right. I mean, I get the

feeling these guys may be part of some

large secretive government agency hell

bent on keeping the American public in

the dark regarding extraterrestrials.

Yeah, another conspiracy, right? Believe

the lie. I've got it. And you

know why I've got it? Because you

say it's 17 * a week. The

truth is out there, Gillian. Whatever.

Good hit. Sorry I got interrupted. Go

on.

Time for me to protect the

universe from the scum of cheesy

sci-fi TV. Ohh. Good headbutt there.

Tommy Lee gets up and makes the tag. You

know what the difference between you and

me, Tommy Lee, I make as kicking look

good.

Yeah.

Chilling.

Umm. Let's get

Diggy with it, shall we?

Ohh.

Ohh yeah.

And Will Smith goes over for the

tag. Finish him, cowboy.

Jillian. Jillian. Hey, Red. Ohh, no,

no, it's more of an itching

than a burning. And damn, hold

on, I have another call.

What? Help me. Please help me help.

I have to call you back. Tommy

Lee brandishing some high tech hardware.

I'm moving. Silence. I walk in shadow.

I take out the company.

Ohh, curl up and dilate Mr. Jones and

it's wiped out for Tommy Lee. So that's

why she always carries that stupid thing.

Just a quick note to say that these

fine Celebrity Deathmatch commemorative

mesh T-shirts can also be had. Call now

back to the ring.

Amazing. Anderson's pummeling Tommy Lee

at will now, and he's offered up almost

no offense at all. It appears that this

is 1 Tommy Lee who doesn't hit girls. All

right, Tommy, this is silly. We don't

need to fight. We can be friends. Looks

like Tommy Lee's going to take her up on

that offer. Not very

ladylike. And

that's not either. Jeez, didn't you ever

hear the phrase trust no one? You

want to get the pin partner me,

You can do it. You just have

to believe. I believe. Really. And just

about anything, no matter how silly. You

see, there's already y'all better freeze.

Ohh no did you just say eek sorry.

OK then partner, it looks like it's time

for us to turn that X people into

ex people. Partner, I

just hold it like this here, pointed that

way and pulled this like this, right?

Well, almost. But see, you're holding it

backwards now.

They call them the Men in Blue.

This fight is over. We are alive.

Yippee. We won. Yippee. We are the

number one alien. Ask kicker Whiskey.

Come here partner, let's celebrate. I've

wanted to do this for a long

time.

Oh my God, Jillian, look at that.

My freaking way it jerked off.

I think it's an alien. No,

no. That's a weather balloon. Yeah,

that's it. A weather balloon with some

sun spots. Ohh. Really? Wow. It's funny

how your eyes play tricks on you like

that. I remember once. Ohh. OK. Then it

looks like the actions finished down

there. Nothing left to see except Gillian

Anderson and David Duchovny kissing and.

Nobody wants to see that, folks. We are

desperately out of time here on Celebrity

Deathmatch. But before we go, we'd like

to remind you that operators are standing

by to take your orders for any of the

fine collectibles we offered earlier. And

if you act now, you can be among the

lucky buyers to purchase an actual piece

of Tommy Lee Jones. He's going fast, and

so are we. Join us next week

on Celebrity Deathmatch for Nick Diamond.

I'm Johnny Gomez. Good fight, good

night.

Kelsey Grammar versus Roseanne Brandy

versus Courtney Love, Jackie Chan

versus Jean-Claude Van Damme next

week when Celebrity Deathmatch continues.