18x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

from Blue Peter to Morning Live,
it's Gethin Jones.

And stand-up comic and star
of Britain's Got Talent,

it's Nabeel Abdul Rashid.

And with David Mitchell tonight,
a star of stage and screen,

the wonderful Francesca Mills.

And here with more Hull raising
tales, it's comedian Lucy Beaumont.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before.

They've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Lucy, you're starting us
off tonight.

Right.

I once impressed a man in Hull with
what I did with my Henry Hoover.

Lee's team.

Who was this man, first of all?

Well... I don't mean Henry,
obviously, I know who he is.

What happened was, I went to view
a house,

for a friend, basically.

Why? Because they wanted to move
to where I was living,

but they didn't have time
to come over.

What's the friend's name?

Peter.

Is he left-handed?

No, he's from Dublin.

What does the left-handedness
got to do with the story?

It's the details.

You've got to have details.

Yes, but not all the details are relevant.

What hand would you have held
the Hoover with?

Oh, when you put it like that!

So you're viewing a house on behalf
of someone else to buy? Yeah.

And basically when, when we walked
in to the, to view it,

it was horrific.

The guy who'd lived there
had trashed it, basically.

And who was showing you around,
the estate agent?

Yeah, but they were saying that none
of the stains were alcohol,

and I said, "I think I'll be able
to clean this."

Oh? So - I know.

And the estate agent said,

"I'd be really glad if you could
clean it for us."

So I went back to get my
Henry Hoover.

But I don't drive, so I just pulled
it along the street.

That sounds like a long
walk with said Hoover.

No, just Newland Avenue. Oh!

Just remind me again how far Newland
Avenue is from this place

I have no idea where it is.

I'd say 12 minutes.

What would normal people say?

Did you discover
what the stains were?

Because... Yeah, it was a tenant
that was in previous,

and he said the good thing
is he never smoked or drank.

Right. So they were just urine.

They were just... Sorry?

That's the only... Oh, thank goodness.

Thank goodness it's only urine.

I'd so hate it
if it was ash or wine.

He told you it was urine stains
before you went to get the Hoover?

That's why I offered.

Yeah, but you don't use
a Hoover to get rid of a stain.

After you put the carpet
stain remover on,

you have to then hoover it.

I've got an NVQ in cleaning,

don't tell me how to clean
up a stain, Lee.

What else was the problem? Was it
just stainage or was it mess?

There was all sorts going on.
Was there liquorish?

Yeah, it was...

...in the - in the fridge.

Can we wait until everyone's got
it before we move on?

So I cleaned the fridge.

It was quite poetic, really.

It had half a Battenberg
and a soap in it.

A soup?

Did you check - was it...
Was it tomato soup?

It was a soap - a bar of soap?

Soap, yeah.

And why would you have
soap in a fridge?

The guy... Why would you have
urine on the floor?

So you said you impressed Peter...

Yeah. ..with what you...

So Peter's my friend
that I was looking at it for.

But I said, "You do not want
to buy this place."

Oh! Was he buying or letting?

Cos you've said tenant before now.
So there was al...

There was a tenant in it who was...
And then it was going to be sold?

Sold, yeah. Wait a minute.

So, did you know, the second
you saw this place,

even when it's cleaned up,
that it's not advisable for Peter?

Yeah. Well, why would you
bother then, cleaning it?

Because I...

No more questions!

I'll be honest.

Oh, you're going to be honest now,
are you?

I'll be honest...

I'm just checking, see,
what have you been up to this point?

That you feel like you have
to qualify that, from now,

you're going to be honest.
What have you been doing?

No. I... No.

He paid me £20.

He paid you £20? Yeah.

Yeah, this is before...
Not Peter, not the estate agent.

...I was, erm, on TV.

How long did it take to do?

I did a whole day with him. What?!

A whole day for £20? Yeah.

How do you know the estate agent was
impressed with what you did?

Cos he said, "You're my bridge
over troubled waters."

All right. What do we think?

I think if she's not lying,
there's something wrong with her.

Erm...

I just don't think it's true.
You don't think it's true.

What about you, Gethin?

There was lots of talking
about letting and buying.

Mm. Mm. I think it's a lie.

Well, my team both think it's a lie.

I'm 50/50. But these two guys
look like they know

what they're talking about, so... OK.

So they're saying it's a lie.

Lucy, was that a lie or were you
telling us the truth?

It was...

Whoo.

It's true!

Lucy did impress a man
with her vacuum cleaner.

Gethin, you're up next.

I once found a policeman
passed out in my bedroom.

Oh.

Ooh!
David's team.

When did you discover a policeman
passed out in your bedroom?

Probably about 10 to 15 years ago.

A policeman in uniform passed
out in your breadroom



Not in his breadroom, in his...

There's been no mention of a bakery!

Please don't put words or bread
in my client's mouth.

So it was actually my spare bedroom.

Oh, here we go.
I was coming home from work.

Was it meant to be
just fun and games, Gethin?

I'm about to put my suit away,

and the bedroom is full of blood.

Of what?
What?

There's blood everywhere,
and I panic, I absolutely panic.

I come out...
And a woman walked in and says...

"Don't worry,
I'll sort that out.

"I've dragged this over on my own."

So at this point, you've seen
a load of blood,

but you don't know
where the blood's come from?

No. So I'm panicking.

I call the police.

So a policeman and a policewoman
come to the house.

I take them to the room,

and the policeman goes
into the room,

and the next thing we hear
is a thud.

Join us on the next episode
of Would I Lie To You?

Where Gethin Jones reveals
what happened.

What happens next?

I venture into the room,

and then I sort of see
the policeman on the floor.

And then I look at the window
and there's like, it's...

It's like Batman's been through
the window, you know,

like, comes through the window?

And it was a pigeon.

What?

What I can't get my head around
is how has the pigeon

got in and then got out again?

Cos there's no pigeon.

Oh, cos the pigeon's not there?

The pigeon looks like it's come
through the window like this.

What, in that shape?

Yeah.

You could see its hands...

Wings.

All these years,
I've been calling them wings!

Is it hands?

It turns out the policeman
has got a phobia of birds.

Ah. The pigeon's come in.

Peed itself. Yeah.

And then there's blood everywhere,
probably panicking.

I don't know what a pigeon
does in that situation.

You're telling it quite impressionistically.

What we seek here
is an order of events.

And so, what, are you saying
the first thing that happened,

before you arrived with your suit,

is that a pigeon
flew through the window?

Yeah, I didn't know that
as I'm walking up to it...

No, I don't want the order of things
as you understood them.

OK. Let's now piece together
the order of the events

as they occurred.

So what we think happened,

if anything about this is true,

is that a pigeon flew
at your window,

and the window was insufficiently
sturdy to repel the bird.

It came through the glass.

Like Batman.

I don't know whether Batman
actually does that.

Crashing through windows
and then bleeding everywhere going,

"Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Doing a poo and then leaving.

Maybe it was a robin.

Split the difference.

That's a classic mixture of groan
and applause, there.

Welcome to my love life.

Why did the policeman faint
when the bird had left?

I... I-I don't... Er, the feathers.

Like, feathers everywhere.

Had you said there
were feathers before?

I think so. I think so.

There were feathers.

This is the first mention of feathers.

This is the first mention
of feathers!

So this policeman has seen
the feathers. Yeah.

And thought, horror of horrors...
And-and the blood.

I know, but he doesn't mind
the blood - he's a policeman.

Yeah. He can't have
a phobia of blood, can he?

Yeah, but it won't have helped,
will it?

I don't know,
maybe it will have done.

Maybe he loves his job.

And he just thinks, "Oh, great,
a mystery! Who did this?"

But, "Oh, no, keep it together.
Think of the blood.

"But, no, the feathers! The terror!"

You know,
"Aunt So-and-So's budgerigar,

"the relentless Battenberg,
the soap in the fridge!"

Well, that's a...
That's a different thing.

Yeah. It's not real. It...

So, did he have a...
Do you think it's not real?

Yeah. Oh, we'll go lie, then.

So, what are you thinking?

Fran, what do you think?

I think because of the late coming
of certain information,

like the feathers and the poo,

I believe it is false.

Has it occurred to you that he might
have introduced those elements

late in order to make the story
seem implausible?

You could be being very,
very clever here.

Yeah. You've deliberately injected...

Gethin presents Morning Live.

What do you think?

I... I don't think it's...

You don't think it's true? No.

If it's not true, he invented

that it was the spare room
where he kept his suits.

He went in and saw blood,

and it turned out it was a pigeon
that had crashed through

and done a poo and then left.

That is a Byzantine level
of invention!

From a card saying that a policeman
was passed out in a bedroom.

I'm going to go with my team.

I'm going to make my own
minority report later.

All right, then. There we go.

So... We go lie.

They're saying that it is a lie.

Gethin, was it true or was it a lie?

It is...

...true.

FRANCESCA, LUCY: Oh, no!

Good one.

Oh, no.

Yes, it's true.

Gethin did find a policeman
passed out in his bedroom.

Our next round is called
This Is My...

Where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Jo.

So, Francesca, what is Jo to you?

This is Jo.

She once searched my bag
and found a severed hand in it.

Lucy, how do you know Jo?

This is Jo.

I did a dodgy deal down a back alley
to get some of her gravy.

David, what is
your relationship with Jo?

This is Jo.

And when I was her knight
in shining armour,

she rewarded me
with a chocolate eclair.

So there we have it.

Fran's frightened frisker,

Lucy's sauce supplier,

or David's pastry provider?

Lee's team, where will you start?

OK, Fran, when was this?

Uh, at a theatre.

When was it? Like, two years ago.

So two years ago,
you were going into a theatre?

Yes. To see...?

Harry Potter.

And Jo works at security at
the theatre, does she?

Yeah.

What did she find
in your bag, again?

A severed hand.

What hand? Erm...

It... It was my left hand.

Like a fake prosthetic
of my left hand.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Because I'd been at filming
that day and wrapped,

and at the end of the job...

They gave you it?
...they'd given me...

What were you filming?

It was a Witcher prequel.

The Witcher?

My character has a hammer. Yeah.

And in one scene, the character
Fjall grabs my hammer,

smashes my hand, and
then for the rest of the scene,

I'm meant to have like,
a gammy hand.

Have you seen this programme?

I'm a big Witcher fan.

I'm a Witcher nerd, in fact.

Have you seen that?
Have you seen that scene?!

No, I didn't remember the scene.

There's lots of fights.

So you can't remember
if that particular character

she plays was smashed with a hammer?
I mean, it w...

Cos that would have been
really handy, just so you know.

Handy!

Next time you're watching anything,
write it down

in case we need it for this show.

But, Lee, I don't... Lee.

I just want to pause everybody
because I think Rob's got a joke.

Here he comes, everyone!

You just said that if Nabil
remembered it,

it would be handy.

There's his joke.

...brilliant.

Francesca said that first.

You just didn't hear. Yeah.

So quick, Rob.

And then about six minutes later,

a little bit of blood pouring
out of your ear,

you went, "I've got it."

I bet Jo has seen some things.

Yeah.

So what was her reaction like?

She was very shocked.

And then I was like, "I'm an actor.
It's my hand. It's fake."

And then she laughed.

I was like, "I would like to keep
it with me so I don't lose it."

Then she was like...
So, erm, what did she do?

Let you keep it with...

She did, very kindly. Right.

And did you use it to clap?

Er, I didn't. That would have been
a hell of a look!

Holding on to it
and going like that.

I didn't, but I should have.

Right. Who do you want to quiz next?

Uh, Lucy. Can you remind me again
of what you said?

This is Jo.

And down the back alley,
we did a gravy deal. Right.

OK, first of all...

...how do you know Jo?

So...

Don't know if she still is now,

but she was a waitress
in my local pub.

What was it called?

The Robin Hood.

The Robin Hood? Yeah.

Tell me about the gravy before
you tell me about the back alley.

Sounds like...
I sound like I'm a doctor!

Honestly, this gravy is like nectar.

So I said, "Your gravy is so nice.

"Can I buy just some gravy?"

And they said no.

Ah! So they refused to sell
you the gravy.

They wouldn't sell me it separately.

So I said, "Well, can I just buy
another Sunday dinner?

"But I don't want the Sunday dinner,

"I just want the gravy."

Yeah. And they said...?

No.

The manager of the pub said,

"Life doesn't work like that."

I want to know why he wouldn't
sell you another Sunday dinner.

I don't know.
I don't know, but he wouldn't.

And the kitchen closed.
Maybe the kitchen had closed.

I don't know why
I'm getting involved,

because actually,
she gave me a chocolate eclair.

So...

So how did you end up... So...

...in this alleyway with Jo.

So I said to Jo,
"Would you sell me some gravy?

"Name your price."

And she said, "For £20."

Everything's £20 with you!

£20? For what?

£20 for a tub of...

I said £20.

So you've not... Tub of gravy.

She said £20. No, no, I did.

I... I said 20.
So you said, "Name your price."

And then you said,
"Actually, I'll name it."

Yeah.

I thought it was worth £20.

Did you come with
your own Tupperware? No!

You know, one of them like tinfoil
things that you get?

So she had that ready.

Has she been selling
black market gravy before?

No, cos she said, "Meet me
around the back after my shi...

"Shift finish."

After her what finished?

Erm...

You don't want to be buying
gravy off anybody who says that.

"It's in this metal container.

"Take it.

"I don't want any money."

So...

The metal container,
if it's got a cardboard lid,

that's not a good way
to transport gravy.

No, it wasn't. I had to walk
really slowly back.

Not easy when you're dragging
a Henry Hoover!

Why did she do it so secretively?

Because she knew that she could
potentially get the sack.

Right, now, can you see
the problem now?

What?

We're on national television.

How is she going to get
away with this?

I don't know. It's not my problem.

Now, then, what about David?

David, remind us again.

When I was Jo's knight
in shining armour,

she rewarded me
with a chocolate eclair.

What had you done?

I'd helped push her car
out of a ford.

What?
A Ford?

Sorry, what?

Like in Frozen?

Fjord.
No, not a fjord!

I'm not a superhero!

How could I get a car
out of a fjord?

How could she survive the crash
of a cliff into a fjord?

I don't know what one is!

A ford is where
if there's a very small waterway,

they make a ford where the road
basically goes through the stream.

And her car had stopped in it,

and I helped push it out.

By yourself?

No.

Then how come only you got the gig?

Cos the other person helping
push her out was her husband.

And she obviously
felt that he HAD to help.

Well...

And where was this, David?
Where are we?

We're in Cornwall.
We're in Cornwall.

What are we doing there?
We're on holiday.

Oh! Yeah.

With our wife and with our daughter?

Yes. Lovely!

Are we enjoying it? Yes.
It's nice there. But...

Are there any tensions
just under the surface?

No, they're all out in the open!

We're driving along,
screaming at each other, as usual.

No, we're driving along very nicely

in beautiful country lanes
of Cornwall,

and we come across this ford.

Oh!

In the ford is Jo's car. Right!

With Jo in it, and Jo's husband.

I can't remember the make of the car
or the name of Jo's husband,

I'm sorry. How... How deep?

Well, I'm a BIT sorry,
but, you know, not...

The...

I think it was deep enough
to have wet the engine of Jo's car.

Wow. Such that it didn't go.

Please, one more time, David,
say in your voice,

"It's deep enough
to wet the engine."

Well, it was above the bottom
of the doors. Right!

Well, that's important.
Cos a bit of water got in...

Yes. ..when Jo's husband got out.

Splash, splash, splash!
Ah, interesting.

So he gets out? Yes.

Victoria and I realise maybe
some help is needed.

Yes. I get out of the car.

Good man. Yeah.

I mean,
she's really talked me into it.

It's not, you know...

And I say, "Do you need a hand?"

In my head, I'm picturing
that they're in trouble

and they're a bit worried, you know?

And they say, "Oh, there's
a guy getting out from the...

"It's the guy from
Would I Lie To You?"

And she goes, "Oh, thank God!
Is it Lee Mack?"

And he goes...

He goes, "No, it's David Mitchell."

So then you go up to the car? Yeah.
With the husband? Yes.

So she stays behind
the steering wheel?

She does. And you two push?

Yes. And you're stood there now
and you've got it out,

and what happens then?

Well, she gives me a box
with two chocolate eclairs in it

as a thank you.

Well, here's a question.

When did you eat the eclairs?

Later that day.

Where did she get the eclairs from?
Just on the back-seat?

She had some shopping bags
in the boot, from which...

And she said, "Have these."

She said, "Thank you so much."

And there was a rather
a nice bottle of rose.

And...

...as it turned out,
she handed me the chocolate eclairs.

Did you politely refuse at first?

Yes, a little bit.

But then she said...

You didn't take them and then
keep staring at the bags?

All right, look, we need an answer.

Is Jo Fran's frightened frisker?

Lucy's sauce supplier?

Or David's pastry provider?

OK, well, let's go through them
one by one.

What do we think of Fran's story?

Is there a character, someone
that would be hit by a hammer?

There's a guy that turns
into something

and he mashes up a bunch of people.

Have you ever thought of doing
continuity announcing?

I liked Fran's story,

but I sort of believe Lucy more.

We're not counting David at all?

I'm sorry, no-one gets
a chocolate eclair

and waits to eat it
until the afternoon.

Not a chance.

THAT was your problem?

Do you think I should have
ate it literally in front of her?

She hands it over, and I just go...

Thank you!

What do you think
of Fran's story?

I think it's the most believable
out of the three.

I struggle to believe
anything Lucy says.

OK, Lee, it's time to guess.

Are we going for Fran?
Is that what we're saying?

Yeah. OK. We think it's Fran.

You're saying it's Fran?

Jo, would you please reveal
your true identity?

Hi. My name's Jo.

And Lucy, erm, did a dodgy deal
to get some gravy.

Yes.

Jo is Lucy's sauce supplier.

Thank you very much, Jo.

Thank you! Thank you.

See you!

Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round -
Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's Nabil!

I once climbed into
a crocodile enclosure

because I wanted to get
a closer look.

David's team.

When did you do this?
And where did you do this?

When I was little, in Nigeria.

It was a crocodile-themed
restaurant.

Was crocodile on the menu?

I think so, yeah. I can't remember.

It's the restaurant's gimmick... Yeah.

...that there's a crocodile enclosure
with real crocodiles? Yeah.

And you can watch
the crocodiles as you dine?

Yes. On crocodiles.

How easy was it to get
into the crocodile...

I mean, at that time
in Nigeria, we...

We didn't have, erm,
health and safety.

We had the concept of common sense.

So for example...

...if there was like
a street next to a river,

there wasn't a fence
and a sign saying,

"Caution, river next to street."

Because the Nigerian philosophy
is that if you can see the sign,

you can probably see the river.

I hopped over the fence
because I wanted to look at them,

because I just thought they were
cute and friendly and stuff,

and I got close to one
and they just, like, came at me.

And luckily for me, I didn't know,

I just found out by accident,

but they are fast running
in a straight line.

But if you take a corner, it's hard
for them to kind of like...

Yes!
Yes.

You're meant to run away
from crocodiles in zigzag. Yes.

Yeah, I thought that as well.
I didn't know that at the time!

Yes. I was running straight,
but he was gaining on me.

I was running and then I just, like,
took a corner and hopped the fence.

And what sort of state were you in?

What do you think?

Well, terrified.

Have you been chased by
an animal before? Anybody?

Yeah.

I've been attacked by
a crocodile.

Yeah. There you go.

When were you attacked by
a crocodile?

We were in a Louisiana swamp
and we were rescuing crocodiles.

Would they not have been alligators?

Alligators!

Oh, well, I don't want
to hear about it, then.

That's totally irrelevant.

They're much smaller.

I got chased by an ostrich as well.

No way.

Yeah, in a police officer's house!

He's quite a well-to-do
police officer.

♪ Because they take bribes! ♪

No, no...

He had a lot of exotic stuff
in his house.

And one of the things
he had was an ostrich.

I got too close to one,

and I was laughing at it
because it was doing, I think,

I don't know whether it was
a mating dance or a challenge.

Like... Like a...

I kind of ended up doing
the dance back,

and that probably
wasn't a good idea.

And it... chased you?

Yeah.

So, who did you say you he was with?
Who was looking after you?

So... On which occasion?

The policeman's house
and the ostrich,

or the restaurant and the crocodile?

Well, I mean,
I'd like to know both, really.

So my parents practised
free-range parenting.

Although, that being said,
I was more scared of my mum

than I was of the crocodile.

So, what are you going to say?

What are you thinking? Lucy?

I think it's true.

I was listening
to it like it was a real story.

I forgot, actually,
we were playing a game.

Fran? I think it's true because you
haven't embellished it any further.

You've kept with the story.

What he hasn't done is add
any feathers!

Yeah!

Although, he has...

He has, in the sense that he's added

an extra story
of being chased by an ostrich.

Lots of feathers, yes.
I take it back.

Maybe he jumped to that truth story

because he needed a break
from telling a lie! Yes, exactly.

Yeah. Maybe!

And why didn't he tell
the show's researchers

about being chased by an ostrich?

That would have been equally interesting,

particularly at the huge private zoo
of a corrupt police officer.

What are you going to say?

I do not know.
You have to make a decision, David.

True!

You're saying that it's true.

Nabil, was that true or was that
a lie? Not true. It's not true.

It's not true.

Which one is it?

What? It's too late,
but I sense now it's not true.

I have that feeling.

It's not too late.
It's not too late?

You can change if you want to.

Oh. His reaction.

Go... Go on, then. His reaction.

You've got...
You had a feeling, then.

There was a smile.
The way he was smiling.

Go with your gut!

You're smiling like, "I've got him!"

I don't know if it's true or a lie,

but if you now get this right
cos he's gone,

"Do you want to change your mind?"

I'll be livid.

OK. I'm going... Argh!

Go not true. Lie, lie, lie!

You're saying it's a lie?
I think so.

Nabil, was it a lie or was it true?

It's true.

No!

Good work, sir.
That was amazing.

It's true.

Nabil did climb into
a crocodile enclosure.

Oh, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
have two points

and Lee's team have, too.

Thanks for watching.

We'll see you next time.

Goodnight.