18x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",

the show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
a comedian and writer

back for more, it's Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And from Slow Horses
and This Is Going To Hurt,

it's actor Kadiff Kirwan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
YouTuber turned sitcom star,

from Things You Should Have Done,
it's Lucia Keskin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he's the Bard of Salford,

it's the one and only
John Cooper Clarke.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Round One,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Sara is first tonight.

I recently booked
a sleep consultant,

but stood them down when they told
me what they were planning to do.

Oh! Interesting.
Right, Lee's team.

How long have you had problems
sleeping?

It isn't actually for me.

Oh!
I have two small children.

Right. They're not that big, surely.

Is that not right?

It's not a sleep consultant
you need to see,

it's a paediatrician.

There's a huge industry now
of sleep experts,

because babies aren't born
knowing how to sleep.

Sorry...
Yeah?

LAUGHTER

They will go to sleep
for short periods,

but they wake up all the time

because they don't know how to
get themselves back to sleep.

Give us a picture now.

How often were they waking up
on a typical night?

So the seven-month-old,
and it's not his fault,

but he's waking every sleep cycle,
which is every 90 minutes.

Oh! That's tough.
And then the two-year-old,

he will sleep for, like, four or
five hours, but then he will get up.

You're not working tonight, are you?
You're on a break.

The truth is it's my birthday.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This was how I got out of
being at my house.

LAUGHTER

Well, two things.
Two things, Sara.

So, first of all, happy birthday.
Thank you.

Secondly, what was the advice given?

OK, so the sleep consultant said
she would tell the toddler

she was a sleep fairy and that
she'd put fairy dust on our door,

and we couldn't come out
until morning.

So what is she saying
that the fairy dust did?

Locks the door.

Right.

"I'm locking your parents
into that room.

"They cannot get out.
Now go to sleep."

So the toddler wakes up.

Yes.
"I'm awake, Mother.

"Father, I'm awake. Let's play!"

Why have you made him
a Victorian ghost?

LAUGHTER

What happens then?
She said that she would say,

"You have to go back to bed.
I'm the sleep fairy."

That's what she's told you.
Yeah.

The second they go off to sleep,
she's having a little nap, right?

She won't have a very long one

because my kids wake up
all the time.

Was she expensive?

Incredibly expensive.

How much?
About £500.

Per night?
Per night.

Ooh!

What did your partner make of this?

He wasn't there.

He's moved to a hotel
where it's quiet.

He's gone to see
the Premier Inn fairy.

DAVID: Which is actually less than
£500 a night.

So, Lee, were there ever any
sleep issues with your children?

Would you just start doing
bits of the act, and they would...

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Don't clap it.

I'm not going to respond to you,
Rob, because I find that

kind of banter a bit Mock The Week.

What do you reckon, John?

The language of psychology,
which I imagine would come into it,

surely it would be wasted
on children of that age.

So you think it's implausible?
Yeah.

Lucia, what about you?

I think it could be true.

You do?
Because?

Just sounds true.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to go with John.

John has lived on this planet
for a lot longer than Lucia.

He knows that...
What do you mean?

Well, you're younger.

What did you think he meant?!

It could mean that one of you
had moved planets

and had been on another planet.

Obviously, if Lucia
is secretly an alien,

she thinks she's just been
discovered.

"What are you talking about?
How do you know?"

We are going to go with John,
and we are going to say lie.

You think it's a lie.

OK. So, Sara, truth or lie?

John, it was, of course...

...true.

APPLAUSE

Next time I'm listening to you.

Yes, it's true.

Sara did stand down
a sleep consultant.

John, you're next.

AS JOHN: "I charge £500 a night..."

LAUGHTER

"..to stop the little ones crying."

John.

I once got fired
from an advertising campaign

for being too honest
about the product.

David's team.
Oh, OK.

Well, what was the product?

It was, er, a brand of gin.

And you were approached
to be the face of the gin?

No, it was...
I was approached to write a jingle.

A gin-gle?

Yes, indeed a gin-gle.
Yes.

Do you remember any of the verses?
Yeah.

I'm going to say it's
David Mitchell's gin,

because it's got
the right amount of syllables.

At the public bar
of any welcoming inn,

he's the geezer with the goofy grin.

What got him into the state he's in?

David Mitchell's gin.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Beautiful.

Do you want to hear the Christmas
special? Yes, please.

By the way, we're edging
towards true on this one.

SARA: Yeah, I think so.

I tasted this gin
for the fun and frolics,

but guess what it tasted like?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Notify your next of kin.

Christmas is coming,
better get some in.

Say goodbye to self-discipline
with David Mitchell's gin.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So did you go in
and present these to them?

I mean, how did the break-up go?

Well, they said, you know,

"It's not quite the image
we're looking for."

The idea that people don't buy
gin because it gets them drunk

is absurd.

That's what they want.

"Buy this, and it will change
your state of mind

"in a way you will probably like,
and, possibly over time,

"come to depend upon."

LAUGHTER

What do you think, Sara?

Erm, I thought that improvising
poetry was going to be,

like, impossible,
so definitely true.

But then Lee did it,
and I was like, "Ah!"

LAUGHTER

"Ah! It can be done."

There was a young woman from China
who had an enormous...

It's dead easy.

LAUGHTER

DAVID: I mean, that's a lot
of poetry

to have made up on the spot.

But obviously, if anyone can do it,
John can.

Exactly. But then another point is,
if he has invented all that

on the spot,
he kind of deserves the point.

Yes.
This is true. Yeah.

So you're saying, therefore...

We're going to go true.
OK. They're saying it's true.

John, was it true or was it a lie?

It was true.

APPLAUSE

It's true.
John was fired for being too honest.

Lucia, you're up next.

I once accidentally gate-crashed
the BBC News.

David's team. Oh. How did you find
yourself wandering into the news?

Erm, it was the... It was the 25th
anniversary of the TV show Friends.

Oh, right. And what's your
connection with Friends?

You weren't in Friends, were you?
No, no.

I did, like, a video where I,
er, created the whole episode...

Oh, one of your YouTube sort of
pastiches was of Friends.

Yeah, and they sort of assumed
I was a superfan.

So you were invited onto
the programme?

It was on a sort of Skype, Zoom
thing. Oh, right.

And, erm, five minutes before
we're about to go on, I lost signal,

so I called them back, and they were
currently in a Brexit negotiation.

They were literally negotiating
Brexit?

LAUGHTER

It was the...
That was the segment before.

That was what they were talking
about. So I phoned them back,

and then I get a text from my friend
saying, "Your face has just come up

"on the screen on the BBC News
that you're calling the news."

Went, you know...
♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo... ♪

Over the interview,

and my face pops up.

LAUGHTER

And your friend texts you
to say that?

Well, my mum, upstairs.

LAUGHTER

You said it was your friend.
It was your mum?

No, it was my mum.
You can be friends with your mum.

Yes, yes, I know that, but it's...
I'm friends with your mum.

LAUGHTER

What?! What's wrong...
I like your mum

and I'm a friend of your mum.

What do you think I meant?

LAUGHTER

Something wrong with you, Rob.

DAVID: Erm, so your mum...

You sleep with a woman once
and it's a problem.

LAUGHTER

Get over it.

She did say, she said to me,
she said,

"Rob, you know how you're always
saying how Lee is so quick?"

She said...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, what do we think, then?
Kadiff?

I feel it would happen to YOU.

I want it to be true so much
that I'm going to say it's true.

Yeah.
Well, I think we think it's true.

Right. Lucia, was it true
or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.

APPLAUSE

It's true.

And you're going to love this -

here is proof of this awkward
and unexpected moment.

They will open the
withdrawal agreement.

Maybe there is some hope
for cosmetic changes...

SKYPE RINGTONE, LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Brilliant.

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest Mary.

APPLAUSE

So, Kadiff, what is Mary to you?

This is Mary.
When I pretended to deliver a baby,

she actually passed out.

Right. Sara, how do you know Mary?

This is Mary. As a schoolgirl,

I thought that my magical powers
had made her fall into a lake.

Finally, David, what is
your relationship with Mary?

This is Mary,

and I was responsible
for breaking one part of her ankle,

and you, Lee, were responsible
for breaking another.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it.

Kadiff's fainting friend,

Sara's soggy sidekick,

or David's pained pal?

Lee's team, where will you start?

David...

LAUGHTER

...we said we'd never
speak of that night.

LAUGHTER

OK, where do we want to start?
Kadiff? Yeah.

Right, why were you pretending
to deliver a baby?

Because I'm an actor
and I was acting.

And where...

LAUGHTER

Which drama school were you at?

I went to the Royal Central School
of Speech and Drama.

Right.
They turned me down, Central.

Aw! How come? What did you sing?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think what Kadiff is referring to
is that in the audition,

you have to sing a song.
Yeah. That's right.

I thought you were having a go
at his singing. Yeah.

No. There's no need
for your involvement.

What show were you in?

I was in a show called
This Is Going To Hurt.

Right.
I played a Obs and Gynae doctor,

and I was delivering a baby
by C-section.

Right. And is Mary an actor?

No, Mary's not an actor.

Mary was an SA on the day.

Supporting artist.

Supporting artist. She was my
obstetrics nurse next to me.

So she's playing a nurse.
Yeah.

You're playing the person
doing a C-section.

Yeah, we got taught all of the
fingering and all of the knife work.

Right. So you're cutting into some
sort of latex-y type thing?

Yep. So say I am the lady
who's about to give birth.

OK.
So both her legs were here.

Erm, prosthetic legs.
Her real legs were underneath.

And on top of her was the belly.

And when you cut in,
what's underneath the...

So you release the blood pack.
Oh!

And I'm assuming, at the end,
there's a fake baby in there.

No, no, no. The baby gets...
No, it gets handed out.

They would have cut away and then.

Yeah, cos it would be a bit unfair
to use a real baby and go,

"We'll be with you
in about an hour."

LAUGHTER

So Mary actually came and brought
the knives towards me,

and I was just doing the incision
and blah, blah, blah,

and then I just heard a thud,

and it was like a cartoon. Her legs
went up in the air, and it was...

Her real legs or her fake legs?

LAUGHTER

And what do you do then?
You forget who you are and say,

"Don't worry, I'm qualified.
I can deal with this."

No, thankfully, because it was
a set with real doctors on there,

she got seen to,
and we continued the day.

Actually, she was a proper trooper,
actually, to be fair.

No-one's ever come on the show
before, stood there,

and put their hands in their
pockets. And I'm wondering

if her hands are full of blood
and...

LAUGHTER

Right, who would you like to quiz
next?

Er, Sara.

Remind us, Sara, of yours.

OK. This is Mary.

As a schoolgirl,
I thought that my magic powers

had made her fall into a lake.

Right. How old were you?



And she was in your class.
She was your friend?

No, erm, Mary,

Miss Cooper to me, obviously, looks
amazing, but she was my teacher.

Mary, you look very young.
Yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Well, that face said to me,
"Don't care, it's not true."

LAUGHTER

What was the magic?

Well, I'd written a story...

Right. ..where Miss Cooper was
humiliated in front of

the entire school on a school trip
by falling into a lake.

You wrote the story as part of
a lesson or in home time?

No, erm, as, erm, kind of revenge.

Why? I was in the first year
at secondary school,

and Miss Cooper accused me of
cheating, and I wasn't cheating...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's get to
the bottom of this story.

Yeah. Thank you.

Because already, just the way
you said it when you went,

"She accused me of cheating,
but I wasn't cheating..." I wasn't.

...we're all thinking,
"You were cheating, weren't you?"

I wasn't cheating.
What were you accused...

Don't make me write a little story
about you, Lee.

Which subject was this?
Geography. Geography.

Where did you go to school?

I went to school in Upminster
in Essex.

OK. I like the fact you knew
it was in Essex.

You're good at geography,
I'll give you that.

LAUGHTER

And how was she humiliated
in the story?

There was a trip,
and the entire school was there,

and she was trying to talk to us
about geography.

It was the White Cliffs of Dover,

and, erm, she fell.

She just... "Whoa!"

And then everyone's laughing
and pointing at her,

and she comes out, and she's got,
like, weeds in her hair.

Just to be clear,
this is all in the story?

Yeah. So what happened in real life
that made you think you'd done it?

Exactly that.

LAUGHTER

We had a school trip,
and a very similar thing happened.

Some details were different.

Right. Did she fall into water?
Yeah, like a reservoir.

Reservoir?
Yeah.

And you then feel...
I either thought God was real,

or I thought I had magic powers.

But she never knew that
you'd written the story?

I did have to apologise to her.
After this event?

Months later, yeah.

How did that conversation go?

I don't think she believed me,
that it was my story that did it.

Well, that's true...

LAUGHTER

I think she may have been right.

If you didn't like her... Yeah.
...why were you telling her?

It was just low level, like,
"Watch yourself."

LAUGHTER

Like, "This is the kind of thing
that can happen

"if you accuse people of things."

LAUGHTER

OK. David, remind us
of your relationship.

This is Mary, and I was responsible
for breaking one part of her ankle,

and you, Lee, were responsible
for breaking another.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, erm, Mary was watching
this programme on a laptop

while she was on a running machine.

Right. And then you said something
that amused her.

No way!
I know.

And she laughed so much,
she fell off the running machine

and hurt her ankle.

But it wasn't that bad
because it wasn't that funny.

No.
LAUGHTER

So she got back on
the running machine,

and then... Oh, hello! ..I said
something that was properly funny.

Ah!

And she fell off again, obviously,

and this time it was a much more
serious level of injury.

What happened when I said something?

LAUGHTER

Well, you know, she... She...

She would have known
it was the next round.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

She'd hurt her ankle, and she then
sought medical treatment. Right.

Got it X-rayed,
and it was broken in two places.

How do you know her?
Did she contact you?

I don't know her.
I know you don't.

You've never even heard of her
till about 30 seconds ago.

I heard about this accident
through the production.

Right.
I sent her a card.

You didn't!
I did, yes.

What did you write in this card?

Something nice, you know.

"Get well soon.
I'm sorry about the breakage."

I... "Get well soon,
sorry about the breakage"!

It all comes from the heart
with you.

It just pours out, doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

Right, we need an answer,
so, Lee's team,

is Mary Kadiff's fainting friend,

Sara's soggy sidekick,

or David's pained pal?

Let's take them individually.
Yeah.

Kadiff, I mean,
there's some definite facts in this.

I didn't see the programme.
Did you see it? Yeah.

Do you remember a C-section?
No.

Well, that's the end of that round, then.

Kadiff, there was no C-section.

Unless I've forgotten about it.

LAUGHTER

If you don't mind me saying,
you are literally no help.

LAUGHTER

LEE SIGHS

What about Sara's story?

Right, so the bit that I don't
believe about Sara's story

is that she wasn't cheating.

LAUGHTER

Now, what about David?

I think Lee would have heard
about it.

Well, not necessarily.

If he'd made somebody laugh?
About the broken...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What do you think of David's?
I don't think David's.

I think Sara or Kadiff
could be true.

David, you've discounted.
David least true, but could be.

But possible.

So just to clarify,
they could all be true.

Next week, can I have someone here,
me here,

and just a coin, and I'll just...

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I don't know.
I genuinely don't know.

It could be all three.

I honestly can't...
It can't be all three, can it?

Is that allowed?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

APPLAUSE

I'll rephrase that.

It could be any of them,
but only one of them.

LAUGHTER

Come on, let's make a decision.

We're doing a vote here.
One of the three.

David.
You're going with David? OK.

If I can't decide between Sara
and Kadiff, maybe go for David.

LAUGHTER

I think that's quite often
how juries on literary awards work.

Yeah.

Lost again, did you?

LAUGHTER

Lee, take control. Make a decision.

We'll go Kadiff.

You're saying Kadiff?
Right. They think it's Kadiff.

Mary, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Mary,

and David and Lee broke my ankle.

APPLAUSE

Wow.

Yes, Mary is David's pained pal.
Thank you very much, Mary.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lee.

Possession.

OK. Take a look under your desk.
There's an item there.

Just take the cloth off, OK?

Lovely. It's one of those
swimming pool things.

Now, would you read the card?
I know, because it's mine.

This is my poster.

I bought it to remind me of the time
I was asked to leave my local pool

for breaking all nine
rules in one visit.

LAUGHTER

We've got, "Kindly refrain
from running, pushing,

"acrobatics or gymnastics,

"shouting, ducking, petting,

{\an8}"bombing, swimming in the
diving area, smoking."

LAUGHTER

Just put that on there.

Rob, maybe just tilt it back
a bit more towards me. Thank you.

Thank you. Now, when was this, Lee,
first of all?

Well, let's just say I was young
enough to be immature,

but old enough to smoke.

LAUGHTER

Where's the pool, Lee?
It's in the local swimming baths.

Where's local to you?

Oh, it's very close.

LAUGHTER

I was 17.

With your friends?
Well, my friend.

Who was your friend?
It was my mate Bry.

Is that who you were petting?

No.
LAUGHTER

Bry was not a boy.

Oh!
Bryony, but I called her Bry.

Ah! Oh, lovely stuff.

She was there with her sweet smile
and her twinkly eyes,

and I was there with me verruca.

And, er, we were excited.

We were holding hands
and we started to run,

and that was the first...

The whistle blew, like that.

And I said, "I'm not sure, Bry,
you should have a whistle

"when we're going swimming."

LAUGHTER

She said, "Er, no, that was
the lifeguard over there."

The lifeguard...
HE WHISTLES

"No running!"

And you know what it's like in the
baths, you know. "You what?"

"No running!"
"I can't hear you, mate."

I said, "I'll come to you."
I sprinted over, and...

LAUGHTER

...he said, he said, "No running."

I said, "Oh, sorry."

So I ran back and, er...

OK, what was the next violation?

Well, then she didn't want
to get in, obviously.

She was nervous, so I pushed her in
and the whistle blew again.

I sprinted over.
"I warned you."

"I haven't pushed anyone before."
"No, about the running."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"You're not allowed to push people
in." Oh, no.

You pushed her in because
she was nervous?

She was worried about
the temperature. Oh, I see.

Brrryony.
Yeah.

LAUGHTER

What was the next one?
Well... May I suggest bombing.

Oh, well...
Cos you're still outside the pool,

so we could get that done now.

LAUGHTER

I'm still out. She's in.
Oh, right. Sorry.

I've jumped in,
but I wasn't looking, was I?

I've only gone and landed
on her shoulders.

And, erm...

LAUGHTER

Whistle. "What now?"

"Don't shout."

And that's the shouting?

{\an8}He went, "There's no acrobatics
or gymnastics!"

I said, "I wasn't doing that,
I just landed when I jumped in."

She's holding on to my ankles.
She's not an idiot.

I was having this conversation
for two or three minutes

before I realised we were
in the deep end,

and she was under the water.

LAUGHTER

And so, yeah.
So what happens next?

I've got angry with her. I shouldn't
have done it, but I just...

"Oh!" Like that, and I just...

I basically put her head
under the water for a second.

Just for a second!

Just for a second?

"Hey," she said, "No ducking!"

I said, "We're not doing that!"

LAUGHTER

I'm wondering how you're going
to get, with her in this state,

to petting.
I don't know.

LAUGHTER

Maybe a cigarette break would help.

LAUGHTER

I apologised to Bry,

and, er, we got a little bit
amorous.

Erm... We kissed.
We kissed passionately,

erm, as passionate as you can

as a repressed northern man
of a certain age. Yeah.

In a slightly too cold
swimming pool. Yes. Yeah.

So I imagine it wasn't long
before the whistle sounded.

Oh! That was it.
HE WHISTLES

"No heavy petting!"

So I said, "Sorry."
HE SHOUTS: "Sorry!"

And I got out, erm,

and that's when I spotted
a German dam, and, erm...

LAUGHTER

...and I decided to b*mb it, and I...

I joke. I didn't see a German dam,
but I did see three German people

together, and I thought
it would be funny if I recreated

the film Dam Busters, and I...

HE IMITATES WATER SPRAYING
Went all over them.

How could you tell they were German?

How did I tell?
Yes.

They were on the far right
of the pool.

APPLAUSE

And, of course, the uniforms.

And how many have you left
to tick off now?

Well, because I'd kissed her
passionately... Yes.

...in my weird way, I felt we had
consummated the relationship...

Yes.

...so I had a cigarette.

APPLAUSE

And was it at this point
that the lifeguard had had enough?

HE WHISTLES

"You!"
Oh, no.

"Get out of the pool."
No!

I just said, "I'm sorry,
but I only thought that applied

"to people called Will.
Will Patrons."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

All right, so there it is.

Now, it's been very, very detailed.
It has been.

Surely he couldn't have
made that up.

There's a lot of recall there
of clearly genuine events.

Kadiff, what do you reckon?

No.
No? What?

Well, it's, you know,
it might not be true.

But we had a lovely time,
didn't we? Exactly.

LAUGHTER

So they think it's a lie.

Was it a lie, Lee, or was it true?

It's a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie.

Lee didn't break all nine pool rules
in one day.

KLAXON

That noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show,
and I can reveal

that David's team has won by 5-0.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well done, guys.
Thanks for watching.

We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE