18x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

Good evening. Welcome to
Would I Lie To You?,

the show with tall tales and
tantalising truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an award-winning comedian,

podcaster and presenter,
it's Chris Ramsey.

And she's the model turned
actress turned comedian -

it's Michelle de Swarte.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
she's free from the Dragons' Den,

it's Sara Davies.

And - pray for David -

Bob's back.

We start with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out

a statement from the card in front
of them.

To make things harder, they've never
seen the card before.

They've no idea what they'll be
faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

First up, it's Sara.

Oh.

Despite being a wealthy Dragon,
I recently sold half a tin of paint

on eBay for £7.50.

David's team.

You've sold it on eBay?

Yeah. What else do you do on eBay?

Buy things, that's the other,
you know...

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Fair enough.

Why?

Why... why did I buy half a tin of
paint?

Sell. You said you sold it.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

But don't worry, it's going well.

You can buy AND sell things on eBay.

He told you that.

I always keep the half-used tins
of paint in the house. Yes.

Cos in case you need a touch-up
on everything, right?

'Course, you need a little touch-up,
don't you?

And then you find, ten year later,
don't need that any more.

Half a tin of paint, but it
doesn't go off.

Is there a market for second-hand
half-full tins of paint?

But it's not really second-hand,
cos it's brand-new...

The man in the green jacket.

Yes, there is a market.
How do you know that?

I pursue it ferociously.

Ten years, you've left this paint
in the corner?

Yeah.

And then you've opened it,
had a look, and you're like,

"That's good to sell."

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

You genuinely can use the paint
after that long.

That's what you tell them, isn't it?
After... when they call...

What's the post and packaging
for half a tin of paint?

It was six quid.

Six quid?

So, £7.50 for the paint.
Mm-hm.

Almost as much again for the postage
and packaging.

Yeah, but you know how much
a 2.5l of paint costs?

I have absolutely no idea.
It's a lot of money, mate.

It's a lot of money.
That is a bargain.

Do you have people that do
that for you, David?

Oh, God, yes.

She's called Victoria.

Do you paint your turrets?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

That's a euphemism, you know that,
don't you?

I didn't know he knew I called them
that.

What are we thinking, Michelle?
What do you think of this?

This one is tricky, because
it's like...

...yeah, that's why you've got money.

Cos you're selling half a tin of
paint!

So, you think it could be true?

To me, it seems wild that anyone
would do that.

But I'm like, that's why you're
minted, and I'm not.

I think there, when we were saying
it might be true, there was a little

glimmer of hope on Sara's face
there. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I think she thought,
"Oh, they're going for it."

And I think that, in that moment,
you betrayed yourself.

So, I think it's a lie.

I think it's got to be a lie.
Yeah. £7.50 for a half...

I think we feel it's going to be
a lie. All right.

They're saying they think it's
a lie, Sara.

Was it a lie, or was it true?

It is the...

...lie.

It's a lie.

Sara didn't sell half a tin
of paint online.

Bob, you're next.

I once upset a lot of people after
I was hired to film a wedding.

Something I'd entirely forgotten.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

David's team.

Who hired you to film their wedding?

A very good friend of mine. Mm-hm.

Who saw something in me.

He was called Doctor King.
Oh, right.

And he had an act, he was
a comedian.

It was his, erm, stage name.

Oh, right, yeah.

And he had little toy rabbits,
little furry rabbits

on the end of string,
about ten of them.

And he'd, uh...

He would tell a joke.

"I bought my grandad a snowboard
for Christmas.

"He's been going downhill
ever since."

And then swing the rabbits.

Right.

"Put too much petrol in my car
the other day.

"I couldn't get in it."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

That was his act.

And someone married this man?

I... Did I say he was married?

Well, you... You did say it was
his wedding.

You asked me, who asked me to film
a wedding?

OK, I think I asked you, who asked
you to film THEIR wedding.

Well, in that case, I apologise.
I've be...

I've behaved very badly.

OK, Doctor King commissioned you to
film someone else's wedding?

Yes. OK.

Erm, I obviously was drawn to Doctor
King on account of the rabbits,

but also... Yeah.

Also his personality.

He was... In that order, yeah?

Yeah.

I don't know why I'm telling you
about him, other than the fact

I found myself living with him.
Right.

And he was a professional gambler.

He made his living betting on
the horses. Right.

He would only make a few bets
a year.

It could be as little as five.

He also did videos of weddings.

And you lived with him?
I lived with him, yeah.

He drank five pints of milk a day.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Wow, that's a lot of milk.

Isn't it a lot of milk?

Wow.

At what stage in your life did you
live with Doctor King?

I was probably about 30 years old,
I think.

What was his real name?

Cos you say Doctor King was his
stage name as a comedian? Yeah.

I'm going to say...
I'll say Jerry Knuckles.

OK.

I don't want to say his real name.

So, obviously he had to change it
to something more amusing,

for his comedy work.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what's interesting -
nothing to do with the story - is...

His girlfriend was one of
the Teletubbies.

Which one? The green one.

And you said he would only make
about five bets a year?

How do you make enough money
from that?

Big bets.

Is that his girlfriend's name?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Doctor King and Big Bets are coming
around...!

There you go.

So, obviously that's true.

So, he a ran a business videoing
weddings and similar events?

Yes, yes.

And then, one Saturday, I was asked
to go along

and be one of the two cameras.

So, I went to this wedding,
and he said,

"Go down the front and get the bride
coming in."

You mean film her?
Film her, yeah. All right.

You don't mean kidnap her?

And you said this angered
a lot of people?

No, that didn't anger anyone.

What you do is, in those days,
is you didn't edit videos.

You just gave them all the footage.

I go home back to the flat to
transfer the little cassettes

that are in the VCR, onto a VHS.
Onto a VHS.

So, what happens then?

I did what I was meant to do.
Yes.

Handed it over to the family.

And then, the next morning...

Did it say I upset someone?

The next morning, there was a knock
on the door, like the police.

Yeah. Bang, bang, bang.

And, erm, it was the father of
the bride.

Oh, no. What had you done?

BOB LAUGHS

What was the footage?

Exactly. Oh, no.

Because the VHS that I gave to
the family

was a recording of a horse race.

So, when they...
when they turned it on to show

the family, it went,
"And they're off!"

Because you had recorded the wrong
thing? I...

No, I'd taken the wrong VHS,
which was one of...

This ties in!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Cos it was...

Bets. Horse racing.

But you had transferred it from
the small cassette that goes

in the camera, to a VHS? Yes.

And then just picked up
a different VHS?

I mean, it's a long time ago.

My memory is fleeting, a bit like
a mouse's tear on a hot griddle.

Tsh!

Lovely.

Did you still have the right VHS
in the flat?

Yes. Cos that could have resolved
matters quite quickly.

We absolutely did.

But he did say to us,
"You've behaved very badly,

"and you should be ashamed
of yourselves."

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

How did the father of the bride know
where you lived?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

It's on our letter heading.

AUDIENCE APPLAUD

Perhaps. Yeah.

Michelle, what do you reckon?

The thing is, the story
is absolute nonsense.

Like, it's ridiculous.

Well, no, no.
Actually, when you get into it...

That's what I'm saying!

The milk and rabbits aside,
it's just Bob took the wrong VHS.

Yes!

That's all it is.

"I once mixed up two VHSs."

That would... We'd think that
was plausible, wouldn't we?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there we go.
Let's move on.

So, do you think Bob's been
telling you the truth?

Erm, I don't want to talk on
that subject.

You happy to go true?

Yeah.

Hmm. Me gut's saying lie, but...

You think lie. You think true.
Yeah.

We're going to say true.

We're going to say true, and then
I've just got some things

to do, so...

You can let me know at some point.

You're 100% on this?

Just... Yeah, I've said what
I've said. Oh.

That's your decision, you're saying
it's true?

I'm just trying to... You know,
there's a bigger picture.

It's a troubled world out there.

And I think I'm going to address
that, and we'll...

We'll live with the consequences.
Absolutely. OK.

They say it's true.

Bob, was it true, or was it a lie?

I was telling...

...the truth.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

It's true. Bob did upset a lot of
people when he filmed a wedding.

I must say, that is gratifying.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Chris, you're next.

I once had a row with a friend after
he did something inappropriate

in my car.

Lee's team.

So, when was this?

Probably 15 years ago.

I'm just going to go straight
for the obvious question.

Yeah, what type of car?
What type of car was it?

Uh, it was a silver Ford Focus.

What was the reg?

Are you serious?

May I ask what your first car was?

Uh, a little Ford Fiesta.

And you're going to ask us the reg
now, and point made.

Right.

Moving on.

You said he did something
inappropriate?

That's it, check the card.

I must say, Chris, you did that
very subtly,

and I think you got away with it.
Thank you very much.

And what was that inappropriate act?

He brought into me car and consumed

a full lasagne.

That is outrageous.

Was it a supermarket ready meal?

It was, you know, one that your mam
would do for the full family.

Oh, a massive one? In a dish?

Fresh from the oven.

Why were you offended?
Cos it stank.

Lasagne doesn't stink!

It does in a Ford Focus!

The thing about smells is, it's all
about whether they're appropriate.

There are some smells that no-one
ever likes,

and there are some smells that
are always pleasant.

And then there are other smells that
are nice in some circumstances,

but... For example, you don't
get any shower gel

that smells of lasagne, do you?

However nice the smell of a lasagne
might be in,

say, an Italian restaurant.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

What did he eat it with?

Basically, his mam started coming
down the drive,

and I thought his mam was coming
to tell him, quite rightly,

that he couldn't eat a lasagne
in the car of someone

who was driving to a gig.
Right.

But she was actually just passing
him, through the window,

a plate of garlic bread.

Nice mum.

OK, I'd say that's pushing it.

When I said, what did he eat it
with?

I didn't mean, what was the
accompanying dish?

I meant, was there cutlery?

Was it bare hands?

Did he use an old CD?

It was a knife and fork.

A metal knife and fork?
Yeah.

OK, so, he's now got a metal
knife and fork,

he's even got the side dish.

Has he got a napkin?

It was wrapped around the knife
and fork!

Right, it's time to go for a guess.

So, what do we think?

True...

Well, you sound convinced.

Pff...

I'm sorry, Lee, it's a tricky one.
I think...

Can I have a more assertive side, please?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

False.

Oh, we've just made it harder.

How many times have you been on this
show, Bob?

MOCKING: "How many times have you
been on this show?!"

It's not called "Would I False
For You?", is it?

Get up to the headmaster's office
and take your punishment!

Or go home!

Sorry, I think it's false.

A lie!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I think it's a lie.

Oh, you two...!

I'm going to say it's true.

Chris, was it true, or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Chris did have a row with his friend
over his car.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them that has

the genuine connection to the guest,
and it's up to David's team

to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Linda.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

So, Sara, what is Linda to you?

Yes, this is Linda.

She is me on German TV.

Right, Bob, how do you know Linda?

This is Linda,

and she allowed me to blow up
her caravan.

And Lee, what is your relationship
with Linda?

This is Linda.
Her monkey beat me at Snap.

And I will be taking no further
questions.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So, there we have it.

Sara's Teutonic twin, Bob's blast
buddy, or Lee's primate pal?

David, where will you begin?

OK. So, Sara, in what sense
she's you on German TV?

Well, I don't really speak German,
so when I do all of my TV

in Germany, Linda is my voice.

So, I say it in English,
and she translates it for me.

What shows are you on in Germany?

I do loads of shopping telly
in Germany.

What... what's that?
What's shopping telly?

Well, it's when you shop on telly.

You shop on the internet,
you can shop in the shops.

How can you shop on telly?

Sorry, are you taking the mickey?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

You've never heard of television
home shopping?

I'll be honest...
Do you ever use that remote control?

When you're searching for those
adult channels,

you must go through that part.

As soon as I see a blender now,
it's all over.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Sorry, not blender. Brenda.

I have heard of shopping TV.

I've never really watched any.

But you're acting as though the
whole concept is alien to you.

I just want to nail the concept.
I'm not disputing its existence.

German shopping TV? Yeah.

You're there saying in English about
the things you're selling?

Yeah.

And then, Linda, what, stands next
to you and translates?

No, no, no, no.

She sits in another little room,
like in a sound booth.

So, you never see...
And dubs you live?

Dubs me live. You never see Linda.

How does she know what you're
going to say?

Oh, she is THAT good.

As the words are coming out of my
mouth, it's like she's in my head

and she just knows what to say.
So, she's also psychic?

Yep.

What sort of things would you be
saying on the show?

Today, we've got this fantastic
demonstration...

Unter today, demonstration
fantastich...

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Using this paper and these
scissors...

Scissors weissen kleinen
borschen bachen.

Ja, das ist sehr gut.

They're really good.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Are you on by yourself,
or with a host?

With a host, always.

And the host is speaking in...?
German.

So, how do you communicate
with the host?

Because when the host starts
speaking in German,

I've got a little earpiece and

Linda talks into my ear and tells me
what they say, in English.

Linda's an unusual name for a German
lady, isn't it? Linda.

IN GERMAN ACCENT: Linda.

Oh, now it's better.
Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I should have said "Linda!"

Is she German?

Well... I mean, she's not.

She's from Accrington,
and she owns a monkey.

But in your story...

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

I don't know whether Linda
is an unusual name

in German at all, actually.

How many German women have you known
called Linda?

How many German women have
you known?

Not very many, I don't think.

How many women have you known?

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Right, David, who would you like to
quiz next?

Bob. Right.

Right, you blew up Linda's caravan?

Yes.

Husband's caravan. Family caravan.
Right.

OK, tell us how you came to
blow it up.

Linda works at the local
commercial fishing lakes

where I fish down in Kent.

She works in the bait shop.

Where does the caravan come into it?

I talk to Linda every time we go.

She comes and checks your tickets.

Checks what you're fishing with,
and for.

What are the options of fishing for?

Well, you could fish for a carp,

or you could fish for a perch.

Do you really want to know
about fishing?

Yes, that's a good point he makes.
Yeah, sorry.

The thing is we want to get to
is the caravan being blown up.

How do you come to blow up
her caravan?

Thank you. I, um...

...I got talking to Linda on many
occasions,

and she told me that
her husband is in demolition,

and I said how much
I would like to blow something up.

I think...
Wouldn't a lot of people?

I'm not... Definitely.
Blow something up.

Yeah, I'd want to. Who doesn't want
to blow something up?

And her husband... Is it Len?

LEE: I don't know.
Well, we don't know.

Maybe his name's got
a question mark in it.

He's called Len Question!
Exactly.

His nickname's Pothole.

Pot-hole. Pothole?

Yeah, cos he comes around
unexpectedly or something.

That's not what you want
from a demolition expert.

So one time, I was fishing,

she said, "If you would like to,

"we have an old caravan
in one of our paddocks.

"And Len said you can blow it up."

And I blew it up.

How did you blow it up?

You're not going to believe me,
but one of those.

But did you take any part in placing
the expl*sives in advance?

So Len set the charges or whatever.

Is that his middle name?

How big an expl*si*n was it?

One side of the caravan went
"whoooosh!"

Just one side of it.
Straight past you?

Straight past Asda.
Right through town.

Bang!

So I don't know whether
he set it wrong.

I was hoping for, like, bccccch!
The whole thing.

And what about your gear?

I had nothing, I was...
Nothing?! No.

Len Question knows what he's doing.

You know, they bring down
tower blocks, Len does.

And yet he can't properly
wire-up a caravan.

No, he didn't...
No, don't disrespect Len.

Len's terrific.

Is that his third name?

I've lost track now.

Lee had a pretty mundane claim.

Remind us of what it was.

This is Linda.
Her monkey beat me at Snap.

And... OK. How do you know Linda?

Oh, I don't know her, really.

I just met her for one day.

And why did you meet her?

Because, she wanted me
to play Snap with her monkey.

How did she convey
that desire to you?

She told someone else.

Who? A guy called Brian.

Who's Brian?
It's Brian Exclamation-Mark.

OK. Brian! Brian!

Who is Brian?

Brian is the producer of
a television show called Prove It!

Genuinely, Prove It
exclamation mark.

Saying what?

That she had trained her monkey
to play Snap.

And she'd trained it so well
that it was beating people.

I'd been asked to go on the show.

My daughter loves the programme
Prove It! Exclamation mark.

She's always saying it, you know.
I'll say, "Hey, I'm your father."

And she says...

LEE SIGHS DEEPLY
Um...

So it was a thing on this TV show...

Correct. ..that you had to play Snap
against Linda's monkey.

What type of monkey?

It's your classic...
Error on the card.

I don't write these cards.

It was a chimpanzee.

Could the chimpanzee
say the word snap?

In chimpanzee world,
you don't have to say it.

You just have to hit the button.

Ah! The button? The button.

One of them is for Snap, one of them
is for blowing up a caravan.

Neither of us were allowed to
say snap, we both had a button.

And we had to sort of look at
each other

and then look at the monitor,
which was in front of us like that,

and then go.

Yeah. And you look at
all these images

and when two of the images
are the same on the run,

because it's not cards,
it's images...

He would look a bit wistful
when it was a banana.

When I say wistful, I don't mean
he was wanting to play another
card game.

The purpose of the exercise
was because

it was a monkey-stroke-ape
sanctuary.

And, as long as the monkeys
could stroke the apes,

they were allowed to stay.

No, it was a monkey/ape sanctuary.

And, er, she would teach them
how to play Snap.

Had they trained these chimpanzees
to do anything else?

One of them presented
a shopping channel in German.

So there we have it.

Is Linda Sara's Teutonic twin?

Bob's blast buddy?

Or Lee's primate pal?

Well, I find myself in the strange
situation of thinking that it's Lee.

Can I just remind you? Yes?

I did say I beat a monkey at Snap.

He beat you!
You said a monkey beat YOU at Snap.

Yes, I did. That's right.

No, you're quite right.

If you'd said the other thing,
I wouldn't have believed that.

I mean, what about Sara
and the shopping channel?

I think there is no doubt that
if what she does is dub people

into German on shopping channels
in Germany,

she is most likely to be German.

Which makes it very suspicious
that you didn't just go,

"Yes, she's German." Yes.

The great irony about this
conversation, and you never asked
me,

is she genuinely can speak monkey.

Now, what about Bob and the caravan?

You don't seem to be considering
that. That could be true.

I like the idea of, like, Bob
just having a moment of tranquillity

while fishing and then going,

"I really want to
blow something up."

What's it going to be?

It's Lee.

You think it's Lee?

That's what I think it is.

Do you think it's Lee?
I think what you think, captain.

I think so. Go for it.

Oh, you are dynamic, I love this!

Linda, would you please reveal
your true identity?

GERMAN ACCENT: I'm Linda...

ALL: Ohhhh!

...and I'm Sara on German TV.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good to see you!

Thank you very much, Linda.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies. We start with...

Michelle.

I once ate a Full English
in a plane toilet.

When you say plane,
not very brightly decorated?

Aeroplane toilet.

Why were you eating it in the loo?

Because, like yourself,

I am sensitive to smells

and I get outraged.

So you went to the toilet?

No, no, no!

OK, wait. Let me explain.

When I get on planes or trains or...

And I see people eating,
it really does my head in.

I was on a plane once
and something was up with the food,

and they literally
gave everyone crisps.

And everyone opened the crisps and
was eating crisps at the same time

and it was one of the worst noises
in the world.

How do you cope in a restaurant?

Do you feel like standing up
and going,

"Oh, give it a rest, some of you!"

You're on the plane.

The Full English arrives
to your table.

It's outside food.

You brought it onboard with you?

Oh, I see. I didn't want to impose
my outside-from-the-plane food

on the plane.

Right.
So it's for everyone else's benefit?

I am a selfless person.

I think we've established that.

So you put the lid down
and you're sitting on it,

using it as a seat, obviously.

Or did you sit on the floor
and use it as a table?

DISGUSTED LAUGHTER

SARA: Well?
LEE: Well?

Both work!

Yeah, I'm getting to it!

All right?
I'm just having a think.

"I'm just having a think"!

By which you mean,
having a remember.

I remember sitting on the toilet.

Yeah? Like a normal person.

Well, you say that. A normal person
who's got the lid down

whilst eating
a Full English breakfast.

Yes. At least,
I assume the lid was down...?

Yeah! Well, you never know.

You might have been multitasking.

SARA: Clever.
Yeah.

So I'm sat on the toilet...

Yeah. ..having a munch.

Now, when... Did people...

Did people see you taking...

Did people see you taking the food
into the toilet?

No, cos they're minding
their business, Lee.

My mind's in my business,
but I tend to sort of look at people

walking into toilets
with Full English breakfasts.

Sara, what are you thinking?

There's no way that can be true.

You would go so far down in
my estimations if that was true.

Right. Robert Mortimer?

I think that it's probably a lie.

If that helps.

Well, it does, cos I need to know
what you think and you've told me.

I think it might be true,
but I'll go with my team

and say it's a lie.

They're saying it's a lie.

Michelle, was it a lie
or was it the truth?

It is, in fact...

Sorry, Sara. I am disgusting.

It's the truth. Ohhhh!

Oh.

That's disgusting.

Yes, it's true.

Michelle did eat a Full English
in a plane toilet.

BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
have three points

and Lee's team have two.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.