19x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie to You,

the show that separates the truth
from the twaddle.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's our favourite German comedian.

It's Henning Wehn.

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And an actor and singer
with a glittering career,

but THIS is her moment.

It's Martine McCutcheon.

Thank you!

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And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

goodness gracious me,

it's the award-winning writer
and actor Meera Syal.

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And he is the very definition of
showbiz, the wonderful Gary Wilmot.

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We begin with round one,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement from the card

in front of them.
To make things harder,

they have never seen
the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Henning, you're first up tonight.

I once got off a plane moments
before take-off

because I couldn't be bothered
to go on holiday.

APPLAUSE

David's team. So where
were you planning to go on holiday?

I hadn't really planned it through.

I was going out India way.

India way?

Goa airport.

Got it.

And when was this, Henning?
Earlier today.

I love it when Henning's on, because
he's always got the subtext of,

"Well, I didn't think people

"were going to start
asking me questions."

A year or two ago.

It was just a year or two ago. Yeah.

And the plane was on the tarmac?

Was it actually...?
Rather than in the air, yes.

I didn't say,
"Have you got a parachute for me?"

How close to take-off?

Had they shut the door?
I wouldn't know, would I?

I don't know when they were meant
to be taking off.

Yes, you do. The thing is,
Henning, you were there.

We weren't there.

Well, I wasn't there
when it took off.

So you went up to an air steward
and you say...

COD GERMAN ACCENT: "I want to get
off the plane."

Don't do the voice.

"Because I'm not enjoying it.
I don't feel it any more."

I don't have to disclose
my life story to them.

I just say,
"I want to get off, please."

If you check luggage into the hold,
I think you're then not allowed,

because then you've got
an unaccompanied bag.

What are the chances
he's going to say,

"Yes, I checked luggage into the
hold," now? I should have said...

Yeah. I mean, great.
...did you check...? Oh, sorry.

Well done, QC.

No, I hadn't,
because I was only going to India.

Classic hand luggage destination,
that, isn't it?

I just thought, what's the point?

Lots of people, right racket
going on on the plane already.

And I think, "Do I really want
to sit on this for ten hours

"to do then the same again
in a few weeks' time

"to land exactly where I am now?"

So you get off.

Well, the thing was...

Listen, I'll tell you exactly
what happened.

That's exactly what happened.

I stayed on the plane
and I went to India.

This is a lie.

The air stewardess
played that really clever.

She said, "Can you stand
in the tunnel?"

So it was just outside
where we then walk onto the plane.

"Stand out there." They went,
"Quick, close the doors."

And she says to me,

"Have you been standing out here
all along,

"or had you been
on the plane already?"

"I've been standing out here
all along."

"OK, then it's no problem."
Oh, my word!

All right. What are we thinking,
then? What do you think, Gary?

Well, I've only met Henning today,

and I already discerned
that he's an awkward man,

but I 100% think it's true.

What do you think? I mean,
it is quite a big deal to get off

a plane when it's that far ahead.

If you don't want to go,
you don't want to go.

What's the point of forcing
yourself?

I must say I think it's true.

Henning, they think it's true.

Was that true, or was it in fact
a lie?

Well, you are spot on.
It was a truth.

Hey!

APPLAUSE

It's true. Henning did get off
a plane rather than go on holiday.

Gary, you're next.

Um...

Once, while performing in theatre,

I caused chaos in the orchestra pit.

Lee's team.

What was the show?
It was called Half A Sixpence.

What's that in modern money?

I don't... No idea.

So, and, uh,
let's cut to the...

Let's get right there.

So what happened?

I love the idea that you gave
up with the phrase,

"Let's cut to the... What happened?"

It was a party scene,

and the idea was that I took a grape
off somebody's hat.

They'd got a hat with fruit on it,
and I put it in my mouth,

and someone would pat me on
the back, and I would spit it out.

But this night,
we didn't have a conductor.

We had a guy on keyboards
kind of conducting with his head.

Conducting with his head!

Did he ever stick gaffer tape
to his head?

No, he didn't.

Did they spend
all their budget on you again? No.

What happened with the grape?
Where did it go?

He was sitting there
on his electric keyboards

with all these different sounds
on it.

And I spat the grape out
and it landed on the demo button.

No! Come on.
With enough force to press it?

And it started to play
Girl From Ipanema.

No!

It landed perfectly on there?
On the demo button.

Have you been watching
Tom And Jerry?

Henning, which way are you leaning?

DAVID: He's leaning towards Lee.
You can see.

I still don't understand
what allegedly happened.

I think that's Henning's way
of saying, "I wasn't listening."

He takes a grape, gets whacked,
flies out,

hits the demo button on the keyboard
in the pit.

Yeah, I get it up to that point.

What do you mean, up to that point?
Nothing else happened!

No, but there is, like,
talk of some chaos.

Like almost the police
had to be called.

It's a good point, actually.
What was the chaos?

Yeah, what was the chaos?
Everyone was laughing.

The musicians were all laughing.
The musicians were laughing.

What's wrong with enjoying yourself
at work?

I don't know, we've never tried it!

Henning, you're still doubtful?

Yeah, I still don't know what I
actually decide on.

Yeah, I can picture you
in a musical.

APPLAUSE

What are you going for?
True or a lie?

It might as well be true.

OK, you go to true.
Martine? Martine?

Lie. Lie. Lie.

Yeah. See? It's that simple.

Martine knows a lot more about
musical theatre than I do. Oh, no!

So if she's telling me this is a
lie, I'm going to go with Martine.

You're saying it's a lie.

David... It's not even me.

Wait a minute. I haven't finished.
I haven't finished.

They're saying it's a lie.

David, I'm now going to ask Gary.

Gary?

It was true.

APPLAUSE

All right, it's true.

Gary did cause chaos
in the orchestra pit.

Martine, you're next.

OK.

I once had an accident

after seeing Hugh Grant
in his pants.

All right. Um, David's team.

What sort of accident?

I mean...
We're pre-watershed, Martine.

Just so you remember that.

That's irrelevant.
What we're after here is the truth.

No, you're looking for...
You're looking for smut.

I know that you are. If the truth...

You're on a smut hunt again,
aren't you?

If the truth is smutty...

LEE: What a great idea
for a TV show.

David Mitchell's Smut Hunt.

When are we thinking of?
What sort of era?

We're thinking
about 20 years ago. OK.

We were filming Love Actually,
and, um, I dropped sushi

all over his carpet
in the Winnebago.

Hang on, hang on.

Why were you in the trailer
when he was in his pants?

Yeah. Good question.

That's not the most
supportive question

of your team captain to ask.

He thought it was the dresser
that was going in

to make sure that he had
all his outfit.

I knocked on the door and I was
trying to hold all the food,

and then he said, "Come in."

And I came in and I saw him
in his pants, and I went, "Oh!"

And I dropped the sushi
all over the cream carpet.

And he was like, "Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry about it."

But he came over to me

and then I'm looking up
and the view I had...

You saw his Notting Hill.

I would have thought a sushi roll
would have been better.

That was on the floor.

Really? Is it that big?

So how did this play out, then?
Did he say...

POSH ACCENT: "Ah, gosh, crikey.
No, I mean, there's that..."

NORMAL ACCENT: I'm doing Hugh Grant.

"Gosh, Martine. Uh, crikey."

I'm still doing Hugh Grant.

That's all that's been going round
your head for the last five minutes.

When can I do the impression?
I'm going to do it!

When is the best time to get it in?

We're back to Smut Hunt!

Martine said he was expecting
the dresser.

He played the Prime Minister,
who wore basically normal clothes.

Yeah. So it's not like... You might
expect the help of a dresser

if you're sort of playing
a pterodactyl or something.

It's a suit.

Put it on yourself.

It had to be pressed and it had to
be, you know,

really, really immaculate.

OK, well, let me ask you this
question, Martine.

If this is true, and I was going
down the road of not believing it

for that reason,
why would you correct me?

You're acting like it's a lie
that you want me to believe.

Sorry, David, can I just
point out...?

A truth that you'd be happy for me
to disbelieve.

I just want to remind you, David,
this isn't Ludwig.

This is... This is just a bit
of fun, isn't it?

Remember? Just a bit of fun.

APPLAUSE

So it's time to have a guess.

I'm veering towards a lie. Sorry.

I think it's a lie, too.

I think we think it's a lie.

They think it's a lie.

Martine, was it a lie or were you
telling us the truth?

It was...

...true.

No! Wow.

It's true.

Martine did have an accident
after seeing Hugh Grant's pants.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Kevin.

APPLAUSE

So, Meera, what is Kevin to you?

This is Kevin and thanks to him,
I got to play "It" with a dolphin.

Right. Gary, how do you know Kevin?

This is Kevin. I kept him company
when he got his head stuck in a bin.

And finally, David, what
is your relationship with Kevin?

This is Kevin, and we met when we
went to measure the same pothole.

So there we have it.

Meera's marine mate, Gary's bin
buddy, or David's pothole partner.

Lee's team, where will you begin?

It's David.

Meera, where were you?

I was in Ireland.

Holiday?

Yes, I was on holiday.

Oh, you actually got on
the plane and went, did you?

I did.

Whereabouts in Ireland were you?

Uh, in Kerry.
We did the Ring of Kerry.

I've done that.

So it was a bay in the south.
LAUGHTER

I've genuinely...

Can I just say I've
genuinely done the Ring of Kerry?

That was not part
of David Mitchell's Smut Hunt.

What's that "It" you're
talking about? So "It" is a game,

a kids' game, where it's literally
you just tap and go, "You're it."

And then you run away, and then you
run after me,

and when you tap me,
and then I'm it.

Yeah. It's like Tag. Which you
play in the water or on land?

If she says on land,
we know it's a lie. Yes.

Good spot. Good spot.
Let's find out.

Where did you swim
with the dolphin?

So it was in this bay, and we had
heard that there was a dolphin

that used to swim
in this particular bay.

So where does Kevin
fit in with all this?

Well, Kevin was on a boat,

and I asked him,
"Have you seen the dolphin?"

And he said,
"There is a dolphin here,

"so maybe if you come in the boat
and you come out with me,

"the dolphin will come."

And you fell for that, right?

So we went out,
and indeed the dolphin did turn up.

So I borrowed a wet suit and I got
in the water.

Right, now,
talk us through the conversation

where you asked the dolphin
for a game of "It".

I touched it and I stroked it
and it nudged me.

And then it would zoom off,
and then it would zoom back again,

and it was like a game of "It".

And how did you feel after it?

It was like a spiritual experience.

Yes. I think anyone that's had
an encounter like that

would be changed by it.

Yeah. Would you have been changed
by that, Henning?

I think you'd have got straight back
off the boat, wouldn't you?

Gary, remind us of what you said
that wasn't true.

This is Kevin,
and I once stayed with him

when he got his head
caught in a bin.

Can I open... Can you what? ..the
enquiry?

I thought you said, "Can I open the
bin and let him out?"

You can open the enquiry.
Of course you can.

Gary! Slightly more friendlier, though.

Gary. No, still not working.

Gary, tell us what happened.

I was walking
down a pedestrian precinct

and I saw some people laughing.

And as I got closer, I could
see they were laughing at someone

who was stuck in a big litter bin.

Head and shoulders.
Describe the litter bin.

It's a bin that has litter in it.

But there are different types
of litter bin.

You've got the ones
that you literally lift it up,

put something in and then...

Yeah, this was just a big hole
like that.

There's a hole on each side,

I think. He's got one arm
and his head stuck in there

and he just couldn't get out.

Where was this? This was in Malvern.

He's a long way from home, from
the south of Ireland, isn't he?

Yeah.

And he's...

Head, shoulder in the bin.
What do you then do?

I could hear him shouting and I...
What was he shouting?

He was shouting, "I'm stuck!
I'm stuck! I can't get out."

"Get me out before Tuesday.
That's when they come for the bins."

Now, you said in the story
you stayed with him.

What did you do?
Did you calm him down?

Was he distressed?
I tried to calm him down.

I said, "Don't worry, I'm Lee Mack.
I'm here to sort you out."

That's a good point.
Did you say, "I'm Gary Wilmot"?

Yeah, I did, yeah. Did you?
And what did he say to that?

I said, "I'm doing a play round
the corner."

Well, when he eventually came...

IRISH ACCENT: "Never heard of you.
You're not very big in Ireland."

When he came out, his first words
were, "You are Gary Wilmot.

"I thought you were joking."

Why are you introducing yourself
when there is an emergency?

"You will never believe
who is helping you right now.

"Not any old Herbert.
It's Gary Wilmot."

It just came out.
I was trying to reassure him,

and I was trying
to just calm him down.

I just said, "I'm working round
the corner. I'm an actor.

"My name's Gary Wilmot."

That's of no interest to anyone.

That man's got his head stuck
in a bin.

He's got to say something!
I can't really explain it.

I've not been trained in talking
people down off ledges or...

You didn't have to.
He was stuck. Yeah.

He wasn't going anywhere.

So was he...?

Was he responding to you?

He was saying things like,
"OK, thank you, thank you."

But he was still very distressed.
Was he muffled?

Was he in loads of newspaper
or food or...?

When he came out,
what was he like?

When he came out,
he had a sandwich in his mouth.

So soon as he came out,
he looked at you, he went,

"Oh, you are Gary Wilmot."

Exactly.

Right. What about David?

Oh, yeah, David. What did you say?
Oh, potholes.

This is Kevin. We met when we went
to measure the same pothole.

So where was the pothole?

Near my house.
Why were you measuring it?

To see how big it was. Why?

Because there are a lot of potholes
in the area

and we were trying to give feedback.

When you say we, who?

Well, generally the neighbours,

but also specifically me
and my wife.

Oh, God. Feedback to the council?
Yeah.

Have you got a pothole outfit
that you wear?

Is there special equipment or...?

It's measuring
but it's not potholing.

What is it? Oh, no. Oh, you're
thinking of potholing. Yeah.

Oh, no,
that's a different thing altogether.

A pothole is when you just get...
No, no, no.

Love the idea that you would
have put

an actual miner's hat on,
gloves, rope.

And the council are going,
"How big are the potholes?!"

What I wasn't doing is going
down Cheddar Gorge

and then contacting the council
to say, "Well, this is a disgrace."

What was the feedback
you wanted to give?

Is there a certain size that needs
filling in?

The feeling was
that if you sent to your councillor

a picture of the pothole
and its measurement,

then something would be done
about it.

And then obviously resources
would be diverted away

from something probably
more deserving.

But the main thing is,

our particular pothole issue
would be resolved.

Have you ever thought of just
getting a bit of concrete,

filling it in yourself? Never.

That's what Rod Stewart did.
Rod Stewart did it, yeah.

Well, exactly.

I think I've made it very clear.
I define myself against Rod Stewart.

If Rod does it, I won't.

That's why you will never go
sailing, will you?

No.

He doesn't want to talk about it.

You're now going to say a series
of things

and I won't know when
the Rod Stewart quoting ends

and normal conversation begins.

Maybe tonight's the night.
Oh, come on!

He won't get any of these.
He won't get any of these.

Can you put your hand up
when you're talking normally again?

So how big was the pothole?

It was over 90cm
in its longest dimension.

So talk about the moment when
the two pothole measurers meet up.

I think we both found it amusing
we were both doing the same thing.

Oh, do you know him anyway?
No, no, no.

You don't like to mix, do you,
with the neighbours?

You've said to me,
"I prefer TV folk, Rob."

You know where you are with TV folk.
They're good and superficial.

So only one of you needed
to measure it?

Yes. I let him do the measuring.
Yes.

And who then took the information
and sent it off to the council?

We both sent it off separately, obviously.

Cos then it looks like more people.

It doesn't look like more people.
It IS more people.

You've now made a new neighbourly
friend, I assume, in Kevin.

And now when you pass him,
"Hello."

Do you now acknowledge each other?

Oh, absolutely.

HE MUMBLES

Not as nasal as I imagine you, that.

I imagine you more as a sort of a...

NASAL MUMBLE

I'd certainly bow to you
in terms of what I sound like.

Do you, uh, do you ever say,
you know, "Still there"?

"Still there."

Do you know, I have said that.

"Beggars belief, doesn't it, eh?

"Look at the council tax we pay.

"I could afford to do the whole
street myself, of course.

"I've got Would I Lie To You,
Ludwig,

"that thing in the woods
with the comedians.

"I could do it at the drop of a hat,
but I choose not to."

Right. We need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Kevin Meera's
marine mate, Gary's bin buddy

or David's pothole partner?

What do we think? Oh, goodness.
Um, I love the dolphin story.

I want it to be true.
There's coherent stories.

The only question is, if it's true
or not.

You've grasped the concept
of the game.

Stories told in a plausible way
might well have happened. Yeah.

Do you think he would measure
a pothole?

If you just asked me that question,
would he measure a pothole,

I'd say probably not. If you said,

would he measure a pothole
if his wife said he had to?

Definitely.

I would measure a pothole
if his wife told me to measure it.

Does Kevin look like the sort of man
who could end up

with his head stuck in a bin?

Do you know what? You have to have a
certain-shaped head

to go in a bin but not come out.

I would like to see bigger ears
for that, if I'm going to be honest.

What do we think, Henning?

Meera's story is very soppy.

"Oh, and then I was swimming
with a dolphin."

Oh, get over yourself.

I'm offended. I'm very offended.

It actually changed her life,
she said. Yeah, yeah.

So, and Gary, I almost don't want
that to be true in Gary's interest,

because how embarrassing
would it be?

Someone's stuck in a bin,

and then you look in
from the other side.

"Oh, I'm Gary Wilmot."

I do like the idea that Gary's on
the other side thinking,

"I'll do him a little show."

How long's this poor guy been stood
there? Like, that's unbelievable.

He's fine. He's used to it.

He's going like that, isn't he?

It's Meera, innit?
Meera is telling the truth?

Right, well, I'm going
to tell you now.

No way it's Meera. I've got
a horrible feeling it's David.

Horrible feeling.
Because all he's done,

he's walked outside
with a tape measure.

Yes, exactly. I go with David
because if his story is true,

he's the only one to come away
with any dignity from his own story.

Right, who are you going to go for?
Come on.

OK. Say David, then.
You want David?

You say David? OK, David.
Shall we go David?

David. Yeah, go on, then. David.

You're going David.
Right, they think it's David.

They think it's the pothole. Kevin.

If he's got an Irish accent,
I will not be happy.

Kevin, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Kevin, and I helped Meera
swim with the dolphin.

APPLAUSE

How lovely to see you,
you remembered!

I can't believe they found you.

Yes, Kevin is Meera's marine mate.

Thank you very much, Kevin!

CHEERING

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lee.

Once, after being mistaken
for an escaped criminal,

I was tasered in a pub car park.

David's team. Was this, you know,
since the last series?

Yeah, that's why I haven't
heard it before.

Yeah.

This was about six months ago.

Where was the pub?

The pub was in Oldham.

Mm-hm.

Great. No further questions.

What took you to Oldham?
Well, I went to Oldham

to see a friend.

Who? Barry. Oh.

What makes you think you
were mistaken for someone else?

I think it was the tasering.
You don't...

You're in Oldham,
you've gone to visit Barry.

Is this leaving the pub
or getting to the pub?

This was leaving the pub.

Was your car parked in the car park?

My car was in the car park, correct.

And so you were making your way
from the pub?

Look, you know this story better
than me. Why don't you tell it?

Did Barry get tasered as well? No.

Because Barry sensibly did
what the police asked.

Ah!

He put his weapon down.

Oh, did I not mention...? Sorry.

It turns out that what had happened
is two people had...

Never mind what had happened.
The back story I don't care about.

I want to know. You've walked out
of the pub with Barry.

What happens, then?

I love this! I've watched this show
so many times and now I'm in it.

It's like... I'm sorry,
I've just got to say this right now.

Oh! It's real!

You actually are like that.

Yes, he is like that.
Gets all worked up.

Oh, he's like that.

I wish I could enjoy it.

So you walk out of a pub
into the car park.

What happens next?

We walked towards my old rusty Capri
and...

Yeah, but she's great
with the kids.

We get close to the car
and that's when I hear it.

"Don't move!"

So what does Barry do?

He doesn't move.

I think that I am nothing to do
with the conversation, "Don't move."

So I put my hand in my pocket
to get my car keys...

I pull out my car key,
but before I can pull them out,

when the police say don't move,
this is not what you do.

No. You must have been regretting
keeping your car keys

in a shoulder holster.

Yes, absolutely.

I turn...

Pchhh! Pchhh! Pchhh!

I've been tasered. Oh.

One to ten, pain.

If childbirth's a three,
this was probably...

...a nine and a half. Right.

Do you lose consciousness?
Not really.

No, I didn't lose consciousness.
OK, so what happened next?

No, actually I did. OK.

But when did they realise
it was Lee Mack?

They didn't realise it was Lee Mack.

They just realised
it wasn't Knuckles McGee.

They didn't recognise you.
Oh, double, double insult.

Wouldn't have happened with Gary.

Gary would have gone,
"I'm Gary Wilmot."

APPLAUSE

What are we thinking?
What do you think?

I'm not inclined to believe it.

GARY: I think it's a lie.

David.

I don't think it's true.

I mean, I don't think it's true
on any level.

They say it's a lie. Lee, was it a
lie, or were you telling the truth?

It was a lie, of course.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Lee was not tasered
in a pub car park.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team

has won by four points to one.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.