CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You,
the show in which it pays
to be economical with the truth.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
a comedian, podcaster
and star of Last One Laughing,
it's Lou Sanders.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And from YouTube, to I'm A Celeb,
to here tonight,
it's Nella Rose.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
a stand-up comic
who is back for more,
it's Nabil Abdulrashid.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And he's the face with the bass,
the charmer who's a farmer,
it's Blur's Alex James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out
a statement from the card
in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.
- Lou, you're first up tonight.
- Oh, lovely.
At a Blur gig,
I threw one of my socks
at my favourite band member,
only for him to throw it back.
David's team.
Is your favourite Graham?
Graham's my favourite.
- No.
- What's wrong with Damon?
Nothing's wrong with Damon.
That's not
what you were saying backstage.
Who is your favourite member of Blur
that is here?
Oh. Well, Alex, yeah.
He's my favourite member now,
but at the time I was a lot younger
and I just went for looks.
LAUGHTER
I went for bad boys at the time.
Now, of course, like it would be...
Who's the bad boy of Blur?
It's Damon Albarn.
Tell us about
the sock-throwing incident.
I just got excited.
I was swinging it around,
cos I'm a laugh, and...
Why were you swinging it around?
Well, I changed my footwear
to more comfortable,
because you can't wear, like,
high heels at a gig.
I was trying to make my friend laugh
with this bit,
cos it's a sock, not underwear.
Well, it is underwear,
but it's not, like, the sexy stuff.
- I don't know, it is where I wear it.
- Ohh.
LAUGHTER
- Oh, my gosh!
- You must show me how you did it.
Well, let's have a go.
- Let's have a go.
- Let's have a go.
Are you trying this
for the first time?
No, the second time.
Don't fold it, just as it is.
- Wave it through the air.
- Yeah.
- So I'm about here.
- Right.
Ah!
APPLAUSE
-
- There was a lot riding on that.
No, no. Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou,
please let David pick it up.
LAUGHTER
I'm interested to see, David,
if you have the strength
to throw it back.
- All right.
- Oh, God.
- Get some real...
NELLA SCREAMS
I think that might be
the least satisfying
round of applause I've ever had.
Where was the gig and when?
I actually don't know,
because it was a lo-ong time ago.
Did people throw things
at you onstage
when you were in Blur?
I got cheese, mainly.
Yes, a lot of cheese.
Never saw a sock.
OK. You arrived in high heels, right?
And you changed into what?
We were going to a day thing
for my friend's birthday,
and that was, like, a dressy lunch.
- Yeah.
- Then we were going to see Blur
in the evening.
I had to change the shoes
and I put on some flat shoes.
With which pair of shoes
were the socks designed to go?
With the heels.
So the heels were like booties.
So the socks go with high heels
that are sort of boots.
- Yeah, booties.
- And so cover the socks.
Can you say booties?
I'd rather not,
because booties,
I would say that's for a baby.
- Were you a baby?
- I'm your little baby.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. Stop, Lou!
Just stop, please. That's horrific.
- What's the matter?
- Please.
Please. No!
Alex, you're in a good position.
You know what happens at gigs.
I think it's a lovely, lovely
load of rubbish, is what I think.
- Nabil?
- I've never seen anyone throw socks
and I've been to some wild concerts
as well.
- It's a lie.
- We'll go lie.
OK, Lou, they think it's a lie.
Was it a lie
or was it actually true?
It was...
...a lie,
because you're the best-looking one!
Oh, got out of that well.
It's a lie.
Lou didn't throw a sock at Blur.
Nabil, you're next.
When I'm on the train,
I like to predict which stop
other passengers will get off
at just by the way they look.
- What?!
- Right, Lee's team.
That's quite a skill.
I never said I was good at it.
LAUGHTER
- What's your technique?
- It depends.
Like, you know, if I'm on a train
and there's a guy, like,
wearing socks and sandals...
You'll think Bethlehem.
Bethlehem or Shoreditch,
you know, because they're...
They both have gluten-free bread.
LAUGHTER
I think your reference
is to unleavened bread,
but I don't think
that's gluten free.
I think that's just not risen.
Because you remember that
from back in the day, don't you?
That's right, Lou, because
I'm several thousand years old.
So, give us some examples, Nabil.
You're on a typical commute.
What sort of people would you see
and where would they be going?
I observe what they're eating,
how they're moving,
what they're doing,
if they're very...
- What they're eating?
- If they're eating things like,
you know, couscous...
LAUGHTER
You're saying
if they're eating couscous.
- Have you ever been on a train?
- Yes!
But also, what about if someone's
going to visit a friend?
Have you thought of that?
People who eat couscous on the train
don't have friends. Don't be silly.
Where will they be going
if they are eating couscous?
They're going to Brighton or Hove.
So can you remember
the first person you guessed,
whether you got it right or not?
And did they stand up
just before they got off
and you thought, "There's a clue"?
No.
Can you imagine him just
people-watching on a Tube? I can't.
-
- I can't.
- Does anyone remember when, like,
MI5 had the adverts saying,
"Do you know where the person
next to you is getting off?"
- Yeah.
- MI5 were asking people...?
Well, I don't remember
that particular spy advert.
I actually remember it.
What was the point
of the MI5 advert, then?
I think if you got it right,
then you could join.
Ah, I see. OK.
Right, Lee's team,
what do you think?
- He's lying, isn't he?
- Yeah, he's lying.
- Shall we say he's lying?
- He's a liar.
- He's lying, rather than he's a liar.
- Yeah.
I mean, it's just a bit of fun.
It's not Judge Judy.
They you think it's a lie, Nabil.
Was it a lie or were you
telling the truth?
- It was true.
- Ohh.
APPLAUSE
It's true.
Nabil does judge people on trains.
- Nella, you're next.
- OK.
Until I saw one on I'm A Celebrity,
I thought ostriches
were mythical creatures.
David's team.
What was the context for seeing it
on I'm A Celebrity?
So I think I was in,
like, Year 8 or Year 9,
and it was the year that Ian Wright
was thrown into the jungle...
So this wasn't
when you appeared on it?
- No, no, no.
- This is you as a viewer.
- This was me as a child.
- Ah, right. OK.
They had him in, like, this house,
and then at the end,
it was like they shoved him
in a room with a six-foot bird.
It was an ostrich.
And I was like, "They're not real."
And why is everybody, like,
so normal about it?
- Because it's not normal.
- Yeah.
Because if you were to see
a six-foot rat,
- you would scream.
- Yeah, I would.
Can I just say,
I absolutely love your nails,
- but I think you're going to have
my eye out.
- Sorry!
LAUGHTER
Sorry, but it's just like,
it just...
It just doesn't make sense.
But, yeah, I just remember thinking,
like, this isn't...
This isn't normal.
- It was an episode of
I'm A Celebrity...
- Yes.
...where Ian Wright
- had to go through several
rooms picking up stars.
- Yes. Yes.
- And then in the last room...
- There was an ostrich.
- ...there was an ostrich.
- Mm.
How big's the room?
Cutesy, you know,
not too big, not too small.
You know, David. Cutesy.
Not a large room?
- No, not a large room.
- Not like a cathedral.
- No.
- A small...
- I love the fact
you do room sizes by cutesy
and you do them by cathedrals.
Had you heard of emus?
I research everything
that petrifies me.
I know about the emus.
I know about the ostriches.
- I know about all them birds.
- Did you think emus were mythical?
Come on, if I was... Sorry.
If I was to describe an ostrich
to you...
You look a bit like Rod Hull
doing that.
No! If I was to describe
an ostrich to you,
you wouldn't believe me.
Had anyone ever shown you a picture?
But I just wouldn't think it's real,
because what is that?
What if one of those pictures
had been a photograph?
I've seen pictures of dinosaurs.
I've never seen a dinosaur
in real life.
I swear you will not have seen
a photograph of a dinosaur.
David, what's your team going to say?
I hold her in high esteem.
I just don't think she'd be
that stupid.
LAUGHTER
- So you think it's a lie?
- I think so.
- I think we agree.
- Are you going to say lie?
- It might be true.
- OK, but you're saying lie.
- But we'll say lie,
and then if it's true, we'll say,
"Well,
we did say that it might be true."
So, in a way, that's fine.
Nella, they're saying it's a lie.
Was it a lie or was that all true?
It was...
...the truth.
Oh!
It's true.
Nella did think ostriches
were mythical creatures.
Alex, you're up next.
I once had to run for my life
when my own animals turned on me.
LAUGHTER
It's Jurassic Park. Lee's team.
How many different animals
do you have on your farm?
We've got cats, dogs,
pigs, sheep, ducks.
- Er, sheeps...
- More sheeps?
- But...
- I mean, I'm not a farmer,
but I know sheeps is not
the plural of sheep.
- It is an alternative plural.
- Sheeps?
- Yep.
- I hate you.
- Thank you.
Did you say loads of animals
went for you
or just one type of animal?
It was a pack
of about two dozen steers.
- The steers?
- What are steers?
Steers are young bulls.
Can I just take a moment to include
Nella in the story as well?
Just so you know, bulls are real.
- I know. I know that.
- You know that?
Talk us through how it happened.
I was going to
the Chelsea Flower Show.
- Lovely.
- The elder was in blossom.
- Oh!
- The chaffinch was out.
- It was the first flush of spring.
- Right.
The first flush of spring is
when you at last go to the loo
after the winter.
LAUGHTER
You've left the farm
to go to the Chelsea Flower Show.
- And I put my Versace suit on.
- Ooh!
- My Chelsea boots.
And there's literally a station
at the bottom of the farm,
Station Field.
I got to Station Field
and I thought,
"They've moved the steers
and they haven't told me."
- Who's they?
- The cowboys,
Dave and Neil.
- Dave and Neil, OK.
They'd moved the steers
into Station Field,
so I saw the steers
in the far corner of the field
and I'd been briefed on what happens
if the steers kick off.
- Oh, what's the brief?
- Run for it.
- That's a brief, is it?
- It's a brief brief.
There's the old watercress pond
in the middle of the field...
- Yeah.
- ...with a barbed-wire fence
around it.
- I got to the point of no return...
- Yes.
- ...and they knew,
and one of them kicked,
one of them bucked,
and suddenly they were all...
- Stampede!
- ...stampeding.
- It was an actual stampede?
It was an actual full-on...
Was there any part of you,
as a pop star,
who was happy to be attracting
the attention of the young?
So where did you run to, Alex?
I ran and I managed to plant a hand
- on the post for the watercress...
- Yeah.
...vaulted the barbed wire,
up to my waist in muddy ordure.
They were doing all that bull stuff,
they were pawing, going...
HE IMITATES BULL
- How did you get away?
- I got my phone out, going,
"Neil, come and get me, please.
Quickly."
He jumps in the pick-up,
tearing over the field,
- honking the horn...
- Yeah.
And then shoots the lot of them, yeah?
- Delicious.
- Yeah.
- I got my own back.
LAUGHTER
- Yeah.
- Was the meat tender?
Right, let's move on.
One of their songs.
- They have a song called Tender,
didn't you?
- We did indeed, yeah.
- Yeah.
- There we are. OK.
- ♪ Tender is the night... ♪
- Oh, yeah.
What do you think, Lou?
Is he telling the truth?
I just did that
so you'd get royalties.
- Um...
- I think it has to be recognisable.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What are we thinking?
Nella, what do you reckon?
I don't think he's lying at all.
It's a very realistic story.
I mean, Alex's physique,
he does look like the kind of man
that could outrun some steer.
I think he's telling the truth.
I'll go with my team and say
that that is true.
They think it's true.
Alex, was it true or was it a lie?
It was...
- ...true.
- Oh!
Yay, I knew it!
It's true.
Alex's animals did turn on him.
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this
week's special guest, Craig.
APPLAUSE
So, Lou, what is Craig to you?
This is Craig,
and I've made two attempts
to impress him in my life,
and bringing him on the show
is the third.
Nella, how do you know Craig?
So, this is Craig.
He's the teacher
that I caught bunking off school
whilst I was bunking off school.
Finally, Lee, what is
your relationship with Craig?
This is Craig.
He had to say sorry to me
after his driverless car took me
on a 20-minute joyride.
LAUGHTER
So there you have it -
Lou's cool companion,
Nella's skiving school teacher,
or Lee's penitent pal?
David, where will you begin?
- Lou.
- Your little baby.
LAUGHTER
I absolutely love David's face
when you say that.
- You've twice tried to impress Craig.
- Mm. Jealous?
Um...
- How have you tried to impress him?
- OK.
It was when I was five,
I think the first time was.
That was when I had
a party in my bedroom.
I invited about six kids round,
and I had a 50p budget
and got him round
so that I could kiss him,
because I'd seen it in the movies.
- Did you know him?
- He was in my class.
Me and my friend Vicky
planned it all
and, in the end, he kissed Vicky.
You said this party
was on a 50p budget.
- Yes.
- Now, what do you get...? I
realise this was a little while ago.
- Yes.
- But what do you get...?
- Look at Craig! Joke.
What do you get for 50p?
Tangy Toms, the crisps,
you'd get, like, ten packets
of them, because they were 5p.
Ten packets of crisps?
One very young person
there almost fainted.
- Literally!
- "What?!"
- How did a young Craig respond?
- Not an ideal response from Craig.
There was a lot of focus on him
and a lot of pressure on him and...
He wet himself.
LAUGHTER
Well, hang on, there's a lot
of focus on him tonight.
Is that
why he's holding on like that?
He didn't love it.
Now, you said that
you've tried to impress him twice.
What was the second time?
Second time,
probably two years after.
So, PE, and I had got an emerald
green sparkly leotard and leggings,
and I knew
that Craig didn't love me,
but I knew that if he could see me
in my leotard and leggings,
he'd start to sort of get an idea.
LAUGHTER
You're saying you would
be irresistible to him?
I think I had a headband
and wristbands as well.
- Right.
- So what was everyone else wearing?
Black shorts, white T-shirt.
And you were all green
like Kermit the Frog.
- And now, all these years later...
- Yeah.
- ...you're telling us
- you've invited him here
to impress him?
- Yes.
How have you kept in touch?
-
- The restraining order's
finished.
LAUGHTER
A little thing called Instagram.
What does he do now, Lou?
What's his line of work?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't take an interest.
Who would you like to quiz next?
- Well, we'll ask Nella next.
- Nella,
remind us of how you know Craig.
So, he's the teacher
I caught bunking off school
the same day that I was bunking.
- Right.
- What school was this?
St Mary's Church of England
in Hendon.
Oh, you went to school in Hendon
as well?
- Yeah.
- Mad.
- Hi!
- Hi.
LAUGHTER
Can you two get a room?
Right next to me and David.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Goodness me.
- It gets worse
and worse and worse.
That's what the reviews say.
LAUGHTER
Hey, Alex. Fancy getting together?
-
- What age are you at
this point?
- I'm Year 11.
- Year 11.
- Mm-hm.
- So, do you know
what an ostrich is by this point?
- Yes, I do.
- And why are you bunking off school?
Sometimes there would be, like,
a supply teacher.
If the supply teacher
was in the spot
of where my teacher was supposed
to be, I'm out.
- What did he teach?
- Geography.
Come on, look at him. Bless him.
LAUGHTER
- Now, you say you caught him
bunking off.
- Yes!
- How did that happen?
- Imagine I'm walking to first period,
pop my head in.
I'm looking for Mr George.
- I'm seeing a supply teacher.
- Yeah.
- So I'm like,
- I don't need to be there.
- No.
He doesn't even know
what he's about to teach.
So I'm thinking,
"Mr George is not here.
"Free period.
"Might just pop next door
and watch Twilight."
There's a cinema next door
to the school?
It was like, boop, boop, cinema.
What time of day is this, then?
This is, like, nine.
So there's a 9am
screening of Twilight
and they're in there
getting the popcorn going
at quarter to eight, I imagine.
Just for the big 9am rush on a
weekday in term time.
There are screenings
that are that early, though.
I want to know
when Craig enters the story.
Right. So, then,
movie's just amazing,
because you know when
you read the book
and then you expect the movie
to be like, really, really trash...
- As I say, when does
Craig enter the story?
- Right.
So, basically, I'm in there,
I'm watching the movie.
Till this day, I go to the cinema
by myself. Favourite activity.
- And then so...
- When did Craig enter the story?
LAUGHTER
The movie's over, the lights come on
and I see Mr George.
So, wait, he skived work
and then went somewhere next door
to where he works?
- Yeah.
- So did you say hello?
I put my blazer up like this
and scurried off.
- Did you say anything?
- No, I just looked at him like this.
- But he knew.
- Yeah, he knew that I knew.
Now, what about Lee? Lee,
remind us of how you know Craig.
This is Craig.
He had to say sorry to me
after his driverless car
took me on a 20-minute joy ride.
Sadly, we have no more time
for questions.
LAUGHTER
Where are we? We are in London,
near Victoria.
Near Victoria station.
- No.
- Or near my wife?
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, Lou. Baby's got a wife.
What happened?
This is Craig
and he had to say sorry to me
after his driverless car took me
on a 20-minute joyride.
I wasn't aware we had
driverless cars in London.
We don't have driverless cars
in London. Correct.
They are now starting
to try to sell them,
hence me agreeing to look at one
for him.
- OK.
- His company is in Victoria
and we started there,
and we drove this car on the back
of his big pick-up truck
- to a test track just outside London.
- Right.
Well, I'm glad you included
the Victoria bit of the story.
Why not? Her story started
when she was five.
- I thought I could go back an hour.
- LAUGHTER
So you get in and what happens?
- So I get in the car.
- Front or back?
LAUGHTER
- Please!
- Why don't you buy me
a drink first, Rob,
and we'll discuss it later.
In the back, obviously. In the back.
It had been programmed already
with my name,
so it said, "Hello, Lee."
But I knew it wasn't committed,
because the lilt
of the Lee was wrong.
- It sort of went...
-
- "Hello, Lee."
-
- It was one of them.
-
- "Where can
I take you?"
- And what did you say?
- Dog in.
LAUGHTER
I said, "Is it all right
if I get the dog in?"
That's what I meant.
What did you think I meant?
Unfortunately,
because I'm quite inquisitive,
I started pressing buttons
and I pressed the previous setting,
which was to go to
a shopping centre, like,
So it started going through
the gate of the test track.
Then I realised
we're now on a proper road.
I should have known,
because if I'd looked
behind me I'd have seen him going...
I was trapped and I was frightened.
I don't mind telling you.
- And you didn't ring Craig?
- I don't think I did ring Craig, no.
- Why not?
- I did ring Craig, yes.
- OK.
- LAUGHTER
And I said,
"I've been kidnapped by your car."
- What did he say?
- He told me how to talk it back.
He said, "You need to say sorry."
LAUGHTER
"To you, Craig, or to the car?"
And he said, "No, to me."
I said, "I'm sorry, Craig."
- "Right. Well, now I'll tell you,"
cos he was livid.
- Right.
- I did the manual button bit -
press, press, press...
- Yeah.
...and within a second it said,
"Back to the test track,"
type thing.
Why did he have to apologise to you?
It's your fault.
You tampered with the buttons.
Because it should be foolproof.
I'm sure that's
what he was using you to check.
We need an answer.
So, is Craig Lou's cool companion,
Nella's skiving school teacher,
or Lee's penitent pal?
Have you ever heard
of Twilight screening
at 9 o'clock in the morning?
It seems a bit early to me.
But then what about Lou's business?
I mean...
LAUGHTER
Well, could Lou
be sort of a kind of obsessive,
sort of delusional
yet predatory figure
even from early childhood?
Yes.
So I think there is no doubt
in my mind
that Lou's story could be true.
- David, time to decide.
- Right.
We're all going to say one
of those three people's names
at the count of three, as one,
and then work out what we've said.
One, two, three.
- Nella.
- Lou.
- Lee.
-
- What?
LAUGHTER
- Was Lee saying Lee?
- I didn't say it.
- What did you say?
- I did say Lee.
- He said Lee.
You said Lee?!
LAUGHTER
- You think it's Lee?
- I just...
- You don't know.
It's fine. So you're...
I know it can be a bit much,
this process.
- Come on, David, it's time to decide.
- Do you see the problem I'm in?
- I'm not getting...
- Yes.
- ...the advice I need.
- But you're Nella.
- You're not getting
the advice you want.
I said Lee and you said no.
Well, he said Nella.
You want ME to say LEE?
That's what you're asking me
to do, on television?!
David.
- David.
- We're going Lou.
The consultation process is over.
We're going Lou.
You're saying Lou.
Craig, would you please reveal
your true identity?
I'm Craig
and this is Lou's third attempt
to impress me.
APPLAUSE
Yes, Craig is Lou's cool companion.
- Thank you very much, Craig.
- Thank you.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Lou.
I'm struggling to bond
with my new dog
because his woof sounds just
like my ex-boyfriend's cough.
NELLA GASPS
- David's team.
- Your most recent ex-boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- When did you split up?
- About two years ago.
- But the love of my life.
- What was his name?
- Jack.
- Jack.
Jack Russell.
LAUGHTER
- What is the dog's name?
- You're going to make fun of me,
but he is called Rover.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What sort of dog is Rover?
- It is a Jack Russell.
- A Jack... It is a Jack Russell?
- It is a Jack Russell.
- Just a little quiet word.
- And...
- Don't push it.
LAUGHTER
- So you've got a Jack Russell...
- Called Rover, yeah?
...called Rover.
- How long have you had the dog?
- Not long.
- Six months.
- And how long
did it take you to notice
the haunting echo of Jack's cough?
My friend Claire pointed it out,
because I didn't even notice
and now I can't unhear it.
Your friend Claire said...
- Yeah.
- "I tell you what,
that dog's bark is really like...
"Remember Jack? You know,
the one who broke your heart
"love of your life,
didn't work out.
"Do you remember his cough?"
Just to clarify this, I'm going to
ask you to do an impression of Jack,
- your ex-lover...
- Yeah.
- ...and then an impression of Rover.
- Yeah.
- So, first of all,
Jack the boyfriend.
- Yeah.
- Go.
- "You're not meeting my mum.
"Why do you need to meet my mum?"
- No, no, no, no, no.
- The cough.
- His cough, the cough.
The cough.
So the cough of the boyfriend...
SHE COUGHS HOARSELY
OK. Now the bark of the dog.
SHE COUGHS HOARSELY
Virtually indistinguishable.
Let's have the cough of
the boyfriend again.
SHE COUGHS HOARSELY
Bark of the dog.
SHE BARKS HOARSELY
- Oh, oh. A little bit different.
- Nuance, well done.
A bit of difference.
Cough of the boyfriend.
SHE COUGHS HOARSELY
Bark of the dog.
HIGH-PITCHED STIFLED BARK
They're getting more
and more different, actually.
I didn't train at Rada.
LAUGHTER
What did you do there?
- What are you thinking?
- I don't think it's true.
- OK. Nabil?
- I've never heard
a dog bark like that.
- Alex?
- I've heard a sheep cough like that.
Are we happy to go with...?
- They think it's a lie.
- We'll go lie.
- OK, Lou.
Was it a lie
or were you telling the truth?
Obviously, it was a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
Lou's dog doesn't sound like her ex.
KLAXON
That noise signals time is up
and it's the end of the show.
I can reveal that David's team
has won by four points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register