19x11 - The Unseen Bits

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome
to a very special edition

of previously unseen clips

from series 19
of Would I Lie To You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight,
Bob Mortimer,

Dianne Buswell, Yinka Bokinni,

Jo Brand, Josie Gibson,

Tasha Ghouri, Jessica Knappett

and Jason Isaacs.

And joining David Mitchell tonight
are Mark Chapman,

Jamelia, Harriet Kemsley,

Gyles Brandreth,
Alasdair Beckett-King

Richard Osman and Gbemisola Ikumelo.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths,

where our panellists
read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've
never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Mark, you're first up tonight.

"Once during a school
football match,

"I was sent off for a two-footed
tackle on Liam Gallagher."

- Lee's team.
- Wow! When was this?

It was in the... late '80s.

What's a two-footed tackle?

It's... Er, it is basically...

- Do it on Rob!
- ...rather than...

...you go in like that.

Not sort of waist... waist height,
but, like, ankle.

What sort of age were you
in the late '80s,

if you don't mind me asking?

Er, I was 14, 15.

So you are... you're the same age
as Liam Gallagher?

- Yes.
- Really?!

Yeah!

Because one of you looks MUCH older.

Yeah. He's had a life of much more
drink and drugs, so that's why.

- I don't think that's what
he was saying...
- That's not...

Were you at the same school?
At a different school?

- No, we were at different schools.
- Right.

- What was your school called?
- Manchester Grammar School.

Where was Liam?

He wasn't at grammar school, was he?

Burnage High School.

You got sent off, was he injured?

No, I didn't... You didn't...

You didn't really get sent off
in school's football in the '80s.

Oh, sorry. I thought you
said you were sent off.

I thought you said
you were sent off, yeah.

Oh, I WAS sent off, yeah.

- No, no, no...
- No, hang on!
Hang on! Hang on! Hang on!

This is going to be interesting.
But what, Mark?

- Because...
- Because what?
- ...back then...
- Mh-hm?

...in school football, you were
just told to leave the pitch

- rather than an officious...
- I think
that's what sending off is.

...yeah, but you could still
bring someone else on.

- Oh, they let him replace you, mid...
- Yeah.
- And how did he react?

- He tried to hit me.
- Did he?
- Yeah.

Why? Wouldn't you,
if I two-footed you?

- I wouldn't, no.
- No.

- I would go to an authority figure...
- Right.

- ...and seek vengeance through
that route.
- Right.

So how come Liam wasn't sent off
for retaliation?

Because they only had 11 players

and therefore he
couldn't be replaced.

So in school football, if you only
had 11 players available,

they could do ANYTHING.

"One of them's done a m*rder.

"Yeah, well, we can't have them
down to ten men.

- "We won't have a game!"
- No.

But the whole of the Burnage team
would have been scallywags.

- No, that's... that's very...
- This is Burnage.

- ...that's very unfair to Burnage.
- That's...

- In those days...
- Particularly
when I still live in the area.

At that age, did he
have a reputation?

Because he's got that swagger
and everything.

Not after I two-footed him, no.

Did he play in a coat?

With his hood up?

Lee, you're a big football fan.

I'm wondering if you've
had any encounters

- with illustrious opponents.
- Oh!

If you've gone in hard on anyone.

Oh, Bob! Bob Mortimer, Bob Mortimer!

- Bill Duffy, from the band The Cult.
- Yes.

I tackled him. I took him out.

- This is incredible!
- Wow.
- Everyone's
at it. David...

...tell him about the time

that you tripped up Aled Jones
in a lacrosse game.

So what are we thinking? Dianne,
what do you make of this?

Oh, I actually think it's a truth.

- Bob?
- I think it's true.
- You think
it's true?
- I do, yeah.
- Yeah.

There's always a sign on this show
that something isn't the truth,

and that's when someone's telling
the story, they go...

He may be giving you a double bluff.

I don't know.
How old's Liam Gallagher?

I didn't know who
he was for a long time

with that conversation, actually.

- You didn't know who Liam Gallagher
was?!
- No, I didn't.

- You must be doing a lot of googling
on Strictly!
- I do, actually.

If you don't know Liam Gallagher...

If you don't know
who Liam Gallagher is...

OK, well, my team say it's true,
so we'll go true.

Right, Mark, truth or lie?

It was...

...a lie.
DIANNE GROANS

Right, Yinka, you're next.

"I once bunked off work

"but got busted
when I was spotted on TV."

Right, David's team.

What was the work
and what was the TV?

- I used to work at a hotel...
- Mm-hm.

...as a hostess in the restaurant,
greeting... restaurant people.

- And, erm...
- Let's call them
"diners".
- Thank you.

I knew there was a reason
he was sitting here!

Erm, and basically,
my best friend's sister

was in Big Brother.

And she was up for eviction,

and I wanted to go to the eviction,
so I went.

When would this have been, Yinka?



And you are a hostess
at a hotel. Swanky?

Knightsbridge.

Now, you say hostess -

what you described sounded more
to me like a maitre d'.

But I'm from Peckham.

Imagine Lee has done well enough
to visit this hotel of yours.

How do you deal with someone
like him coming into your hotel?

"Hiya. I've got a reservation."

- "Name?"
- "No, I mean, your
tablecloths are dirty."

- "Lee Mack."
- "Table for one? Dining
alone?"
- "It's a table for...

"..yes, she's left me! Thank you!"

"We have one right
by the toilet for you, sir."

"See, I would like to say,
'How dare you?'

"But that's actually quite handy.
Thank you."

So what happened then?

- So I was working in the evening.
- Yeah.
- And I said,

"Well, I can't come to the eviction
because I'm at work."

And they were like -
these are the friends -

"Come on! You have to come!
You have to come!"

So I was texting Drew on my break.

"OK. You have to think of some sort
of emergency

- "in order for me to get off
of work."
- Right.

So then my best friend's
OTHER sister

called up my workplace and told them
that my house was being burgled.

Because you wouldn't phone
the police, would you?

I don't... I wasn't the one...

- "There's a burglary! Quick, phone
a random restaurant!"
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- How did she know it
was currently being burgled?

- Well, I didn't answer the phone,
so I don't know.
- Yeah.

Sorry, did you just say,

"How did she know it was currently
being burgled?"

-
- Yeah.
- It wasn't.

I think... Are you actually
following this?!

So my manager came up to me and
said, "Your house is being burgled."

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So I said, "I've
got to go!" So then I went outside,

my friends were in the car and
then off to Borehamwood we went.

- So they were in the car waiting
for you?
- Yeah, in a little Peugeot.

Does this story end with
you saying to the boss,

"You're not going to believe who
burgled it - Davina McCall."

- So you've got in the car...
- We went to the eviction...

- You went to the eviction, yeah.
- ...and then they made me a sign.

I think it was John? "Get John out!"
So I'm saying, "Get him out! Woo!"

- "Save my friend from the eviction."
- Wait... Oh.

So you've got another shift then,
the next day?

- Yeah, Saturday morning.
- What happens?

So I've gone into work,

and it was so weird because as
I'm walking through the corridor,

everyone's asking me
how my house was,

and I'm like, "Yeah, fine. Yours?"
Because, obviously, I forgot.

My house wasn't really burgled!

And then so my manager called me
into the office

and was like,
what happened yesterday?

And I was like, "Oh, well, you know
that they took everything."

And then and then he pressed play on
the telly and I was... I was...

Oh! One of those tellies
with 'play' on, yeah?

Yeah. Because he must have recorded
it on demand or something.

- Oh, my gosh, this is horrible!
- Yeah.
- This is a good story.

- You're on my team!
- I know.
I'm gripped by the story.

I'm genuinely gripped by the story.

So then I just saw myself... "Argh!"
...with my sign.

- What happens next?
- I was like,
"I'll just get my stuff."

- So, you immediately accepted
a...
- A defeat.
- ...a dismissal?

You didn't say, "I'm sorry.
Can I still work here?"

- But I wasn't sorry.
- You weren't sorry?

No, I'd do it again.

What do you think?
Could this be true?

I have one thing
that doesn't add up.

Wow - Colombo's in town!

"Just one more question."

- OK. So your boss had a TV...
- In the office.
- ...yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, they did!

"Thanks, Mr Colombo.
We'll let you know."

- I think we're going to go true.
- True.

They think it's true.
Yinka, was it true or was it a lie?

It is...

...true.

Alasdair.

"My middle name has three
consecutive O's in it."

Lee's team.

-
- Your middle name has
three consecutive O's in it.

- Yours as well?!
- No.

No, no. I don't think there's
a word with three consecutive...

- "Mooosh."
- What about, er, "Mooo!"

But a really long moo?

Like someone's having a
suckle on the udder

because they've been a good boy.

OK. So what's your middle name?

Oooein.

Now, I'm not a great speller,
but even I know

that it's traditionally spelled
o-w-e-n, isn't it?

This is a rare Gaelic spelling -
Scots Gaelic spelling.

Oh, have you got Gaelic blood?

- Yeah.
- I didn't know.

- How do you spell Owen?
- O-O-O...

"I want to be like you-ou-ou."

- ...E-I-N. "Oooein."
- Oooein.

And that's... that's an original
Gaelic spelling of that is...

...of what we now know as Owen.

Yes, it was a spoken language rather
than a written language,

and, in being transcribed
into Latin characters,

there's a lot of variation.

Right. But how are you supposed
to pronounce it?

- "O-o-o-win."
- You're actually
supposed to say that?

That is great. If you... I
might... Because I've got two E's,

I might start calling myself
"Lee-ee-ee".

-
- It would be,
if you can imagine it, you know...

"Oh, you're on the moors, you're
on the Highlands, it's Oooein."

- People had a lot more time on their
hands in history as well.
- Clearly.

Take as long as you like
saying someone's name.

That was just... that's a way of
k*lling a really boring weekend.

What do you think, Josie?
Is he telling the truth?

- I think it's a downright lie.
- Do you?

- Yeah.
- What are you thinking, Jo?

- Oh...
- "..wen."

Er, no, I don't think it's true.

You don't think it's true, Josie
doesn't think it's true. Lee?

Well, I don't want to disagree
with my team, but I think it's true.

- Have you ever seen three consecutive
O's?
- Yes.
- When?

I dropped some Spaghetti Hoops.

- That's two.
- What...?

I dropped some of
the foodstuff - spaghetti.

- Oh, sorry!
- I dropped them.

I didn't drop a whole tin
of Spaghetti Hoops and go,

"There seems to be
three O's in this!"

What's it going to be?

- We'll say it's a lie, then.
- OK, they think it's a lie, Alasdair.

Was it a lie, or were
you, in fact, telling the truth?

I was telling...

- ...a lie.
- Yeah!
- Sorry.

- Jason?
- Oh.

"I was once furious when
a theatre performance was ruined

"by the ringing of a mobile phone."

- David's team.
- What was the play?

The play was an Irish play
about Northern Ireland and erm...

Who were you in it with?

Irish people.

Do you remember any of them?

There was a Sean.

- Oh, yeah?
- You know? Breon.

- Breon?
- Dermott.

So what happened?

The end of the play was
a big silence,

and a phone rang.

This is a long time ago, so
the phones were on ascending rings.

Can you remember the ring tone?

I can't, but it would
have been a Nokia.

- It was back in the pre-iPhone.
- So was it like a...

♪ Ee ee-ee-ee
Ee ee ee ee... ♪

Or was it a sort of like...

♪ Ee-ee ee-ee ee-ee ee-ee ee. ♪

One more, one more time.

One more time?

♪ Ee ee-ee-ee
Ee ee ee ee. ♪

Yeah. And the other one?

♪ Ee-ee ee-ee ee-ee ee-ee ee-ee. ♪

No, wasn't either of those.

The terrible thing is,
I was sitting there thinking,

we've earned this silence.
This is a tense play, two-hour play.

And I was about to turn round
and say to the audience,

"Somebody switch that off!"
and I realised...

...it was in my pocket.

It was my phone.

I know, I know.

I had brought my phone
in my pocket onstage

for a play set in the 1970s,
when they didn't have phones.

What did you do, Jason?
It's a hell of a twist,

- the way you've told the story.
- Yes.

I would say, honestly,
I enjoyed White Lotus -

- this is better.
- Thanks very much.

So I took it out of my pocket
and I went...

-
- You've not even been
invented yet!
- That's right.

That's right.

And then tried to avoid eye contact
with the rest of the cast

and anybody in the theatre
for the next 30-odd years.

So you actually answered the phone?

I had to stop it ringing.

Forget the anachronism,
I'll use it -

This character is getting
a phone call.

Let me ask you,
what would you have done?

I wouldn't have brought my phone
on the stage,

because I respect the theatre
too much.

Right, David's team,
what are you thinking?

You see, I think he's making it
more vague than he needed to.

- Yeah.
- Which is what makes me
think it's true.

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

But he's agreeing with us,
and that worries me now.

It's like we're falling
into his trap.

But you don't mind falling
into Jason Isaac's trap?

- I think that's OK.
- What do you think?

- I think it's true.
- I think we're going to say true.

They all think that it is true,
Jason. Was it true or...

You're suckers, because
it was in fact...

...true.

- It's Bob.
- Here we go.

"Because I drive a lot,
I've recently had one of the seats

"removed from my car

"and a toilet installed
in its place."

So which seat have you had removed?

The rear passenger seat.

So it's diagonally behind you?

- Yes.
- As you drive?
- Yes.

And what's the flushing situation?

There's no flushing.
It's a bucket.

I'm going to be straight up.

What you're saying,
just to clarify, is...

I've got a bucket...

- A bucket on the back seat
of your car.
- No.

A bucket for number twos
and a welly for number ones!

No, I was quite proud of it.

Because the particular car
I've got has a bench seat,

but it splits two thirds
and the last third,

when you lift it up,
there is just a void.

So I popped a bucket
in the void.

The seat is still there?

If you came in my car,
you'd be sat on the toilet,

you'd have no idea,
and I'd be like...

Because the seat is still there?

At your leisure, sir.

It's not a bad idea.

And when I go to Middlesbrough,
or I've got a long journey,

I don't like to stop.

-
- Surely you pull over.
- Well, have to stop.

- How long's your right arm?
- Oh, no.

You just...

You just wait for a long light,
don't you?

Right, it's time for a guess.

What's your team going
to say, David?

We think it's probably a lie.

Bob, they think it's a lie.

Was it a lie or were you
telling the truth?

I was telling...

...a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's Jo.

The other day, I gave my daughter
£10 to pass me

a bottle of wine from the fridge,

because I couldn't be bothered
to get up from the kitchen table.

David's team.

How far from the fridge are you?

About three metres.

And was your daughter
in the room as well, or did...

Did you text her?

No. She was down on the coast.

No, she was in the room.

And what were you doing in the room?

Just starting
to get withdrawal symptoms.

What time of day was it? Breakfast?

No, it was respectable.

- Respectable?
- About four.

- Four.
- Oh, OK.

So, describe the conversation.

I said, "Oh, I really fancy
a glass of wine."

And so my daughter just looked
at me like,

"Well, go and get one, you old hag."

And, um, she's a bit arsey,
to be honest.

- Mm.
- I don't know
where that came from.

She's like my husband.

How old is she, Jo?

She's 22.

Talk us through the payment process.
How did you come to the £10?

So we worked our way up.

We went through kind of three quid,
then to a fiver.

And then when it got to £10,
she went and quietly got the wine.

And that's why I've got
a Scottish £10 note saved.

And was it red or white, Jo?

Red.

So why was it in the fridge,
you barbarian?

Ah!

You can get chilled red wine.

Because I like it that way.

I keep a white wine
in the oven, obviously.

So what are you thinking, then?

I think you don't keep red wine
in the fridge.

There is some red wines
you chill,

you barbarian!

Yes. Was it...
Was it that sort of red wine?

I have absolutely no idea, David.

- We're going to go lie.
- They're saying it's a lie.

Jo, was it a lie
or were you telling the truth?

It was...

- ...a lie.
- Oh!

APPLAUSE

It's Dianne.

To ensure my Strictly
dances go well,

I play out the entire performance
in the loo before the show.

David's team.

When you say play out the whole
performance, what does that involve?

Do you do the dance in the loo?

I do everything.

How could you do the dance
while being on the loo?

In the loo,
or on, like the top of the show.

Like, walk out, wave.

Oh, really?

- I go down the stairs. Yeah.
- That's interesting.

So it starts for you, "And..."
and out you come.

Yeah, that looks like
it takes practice.

And then...

- Then you go up.
- Yeah.

And then you go down again.

And then you're on in ten seconds.

Ten, nine...

- Cut to one.
- ...eight.

One.

Blast off!

And then I'll do the dance.

So tell me about
when you're visualising

your encounter with the judges.

- Yeah. So Chris is my partner.
- Yes.
- And I'm like,

"Oh, my God, Chris, we did so good!"

Why don't you imagine Lee
is your partner?

"Oh, Lee! Oh, my God.

"That wasn't as good as we thought,
but it's OK."

"We can do better next time."

Jamelia, what are you thinking?

Do you know, I actually think
this one could be true.

The only thing, I just wonder
why you do it in the loo.

And also why you wouldn't
do it with your partner.

Oh... Good questions. Um...

Well, in the loo, because
I can go almost like

a demon's kind of come inside of me,

so I don't like to show that off
too much.

But I didn't really
include Chris again

because he doesn't believe in it.

But if he did, you know,

I probably wouldn't have done it
in the toilet with him.

But we could have found...

Now that is the trailer!

David, what do you think?

- I think this is true.
- OK. They think it's true.

Dianne, was it true or was it a lie?

It is indeed...

...true!
APPLAUSE

It's Gyles.

Oh.

I still get royalties
for a song I co-wrote

that was a big hit in Italy in 1987.

- Lee.
- OK, who performed it?

A very amusing Italian entertainer

who was called Piccolo Marina.

Is that a man or a woman?

We could never decide.

How did this
come about, then, Gyles?

I'm a friend of Tim Rice,
the lyricist.

We were out one evening,

and I had difficulty in paying
for my share of the meal.

Well, hang on, hang on.

- In 1987, you were a very
well-known TV personality.
- Yeah.

So why were you struggling
to pay for half your dinner?

I was going to become
a Member of Parliament,

and I therefore gave up
all my other interests.

My income dropped considerably.

Tim said, "What you need
to do is write a hit song."

- So...
- There we are. Problem solved.

Did you stand for election?

Yes, I was elected.

I was a Member of Parliament
until the people spoke.

By the time I lost my seat,

by then I knew I had contempt
for my constituents.

It just came as a bit of a shock

to find the feeling
was entirely mutual.

The point was, I was having supper
with Tim Rice

and saw the fortune
that he had made

out of putting a few words together,

and so I actually wrote the song.

It was about Pinocchio, and the song
was called I Cannot Tell A Lie.

And we were in
Venice, Michele and I,

we were in a lovely restaurant,

and she said, you know, "We've been
married quite a while now.

"Do you still love me?"

And I said, "Do I still love you?
I'm Pinocchio, I cannot tell a lie."

And I began singing the song.

And she began divorce proceedings.

I'm singing the song too loudly,

Michele's going,
"Shh, shh, please."

I'm saying,
"No. It's a lovely song."

♪ Pinocchio, I cannot tell a lie

♪ I cannot tell a lie

♪ Oh, no, I cannot tell a lie. ♪

Then the chorus comes in.

♪ What about your nose?
What about your nose?

♪ It grows, it grows
But I cannot tell a lie

♪ I cannot tell a lie

♪ I am Pinocchio! ♪

APPLAUSE

- I have to tell you...
- Do you know what's really annoying?

No, wait for this, mate.
I have to tell you...

I have to tell you,
that is exactly the reaction we got.

And somebody came out
from another table and said,

"Lovely song. I am composer.

"I would like to take your song
and put it on Italian television."

- No!
- So the bit you sang to us,
then, is that the chorus?

- That is the chorus.
- Great. So why
don't you sing us the first verse?

♪ Once upon a time

♪ Down by the river

♪ There I was, all of a quiver

♪ I saw a lovely girl
with a beautiful curl

♪ In her gorgeous head

♪ I thought, hey,
what's going to happen?

♪ I must love her

♪ I am Pinocchio,
cannot tell a lie. ♪

That was the essence of the song.

APPLAUSE

Right, Lee.

It is time to take a guess.
First of all...

It's not time to take a guess.

It is not time to take a guess.
It is time to say to Gyles,

"OK, and the second verse."

♪ Then we went out
to a little cafe

♪ Oh, the fun we had that day

♪ We were a merry twosome

♪ She and me

♪ Me, Pinocchio, Pinocchio

♪ I cannot tell a lie. ♪

Right. So, first of all,
Tasha, what are you thinking?

Is it true?

Never mind what
she's thinking - third verse.

Is it true?

I think it's a banger.
I like the song.

It's great, but I think it's a lie.

Can I say how wrong you are?

The song was translated
into Italian.

So it makes more sense in Italian?

Oh, it's hilarious in Italian.

Hang on. There's one great big
problem with this, isn't there?

You didn't write it
for an Italian audience.

You wrote it for Tim Rice.
And just by chance...

- Look, look, look.
- It doesn't add up,
the story, does it, Gyles?

Can I say, you've been
doing this for 19 years,

but tonight you are a busted flush.

APPLAUSE

It gets to about number 12
in the Italian charts.

Occasionally, we go
on holiday there...

I'm exaggerating slightly now.

We go on holiday there, and I feel
I still hear people humming it.

♪ Pinocchio, Pinocchio,
I cannot tell a lie. ♪

Don't, don't, don't do it again,
Gyles. Don't do it again.

Right, it's time to take a guess.
Is it true or is it a lie?

I don't think it's true.

- What do you think?
- I think it's...
- You think that's true?

- It has to be.
- He's just very good
at that sort of thing.

- But I just know it's a lie.
- It's true.

So they're saying it's a lie, Gyles.

Was it a lie,
or was it in fact true?

It was...

...a lie.
APPLAUSE

That was amazing!

Well, that's all we have time
for on this special edition

of Would I Lie to You?

Thanks very much for watching.
Goodnight.

APPLAUSE