19x12 - The Best Bits

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APPLAUSE

Good evening,
and welcome to a special edition

of the very best bits from
Series 19 of Would I Lie to You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight...

Bob Mortimer,

Lucy Beaumont,

Dianne Buswell,

Yinka Bokinni,

Tasha Ghouri,

John Kearns,

Julie Hesmondhalgh,

and David Morrissey.

And joining David Mitchell tonight
are...

Mark Chapman,

Jamelia,

Josh Pugh,

Harriet Kemsley,

Montell Douglas,

Holly Willoughby,

Will Kerr,

and Gyles Brandreth.

We begin with Round One,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement from the card

in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Bob, you're first up tonight.

I once helped a famous footballer
with his cheese selection.

David's team? What was the cheese?
I don't remember any of this!

No, I do.

It's a very fleeting memory.
Do you know, like,

if you dig up a weed
and put it in the wheelbarrow?

Very quickly forgotten, that weed.

Do you see the games he plays?

What?! A conversation
with a ticket inspector...

Yeah. Pfff!

Can't remember it that well!

And yet buying cheese with Ronaldo
is quite memorable!

Who was the footballer?
It was the famous one.

Which famous one?

He played for the big club!

Where are you from, Mark?
Manchester.

Manchester player. Right.

Which one?

Edin Dzeko.

Right. OK.

When was this?

It was about ten years ago.

Is that still how we measure
the passage of time?

Edin Dzeko.
Was he playing ten years ago?

Yeah, he was a... He was a striker
for Manchester City.

What was the circumstance, Bob?
Where were you?

Manchester.
Oh, you were in Manchester?

I was in Manchester.
Yeah. I was there for a meeting

with some old friends of mine.
Erm...

Tony Holdall...

And Jerry Haversack.

They had a little double act
together called The Carrier Bags!

Tony, very small man.

On account of his height,
he had the nickname Shetland Tony.

And I was too early for the meeting.
Right. So I thought,

"I'll go to the nice supermarket
and get some car cheese."

Car cheese?
Cheese to eat in the car.

Car cheese. Is that a thing?

Do you not like a bit of cheese
in a vehicle?

It's such a nice shop
in Manchester, Booths.

The Waitrose of the North! Ah!

And they have a cheese counter,
Jamelia, and a man.

He's such a small man.
Yeah, yeah. That...

That he's written on his palm.

It said "Hi" on one palm,

and it said
"cheese - question mark."

So anyway. Yeah.

But... I can't!

I was buying some cheese
to eat in my car.

Would Shetland Tony
have towered over this guy?

Well, it may have been his dad.
I don't know.

I don't remember the cheese man.
OK.

What about Eddie Dzeko?
When did he appear?

Edin. Edin. Edin?

Edin. Like that. Edin!

Bang!

Edin the ball! Right.

Smoke, kick, head.

So I saw him,
and I was very excited.

And I wanted to send a picture
of him to my sons.

So I followed him around.
And he's concentrating on,

like, you know the airy foods,
you know,

like Rice Krispies, crumpets,
cheese puffs.

In the shop?

You're following him through
a section where the food

is grouped sort of according to
the aesthetic of its structure?

No. I just noticed

that he was ferreting around
for that type category of food.

Oh, in every area?
In the chocolate area, it's Aero.

In the cheese area,
it's Swiss cheese.

In the cake area,
it's the sponge.

So this guy, you analyse,
wants food with holes in it?

Exactly. Because I did stand
next to him, very closely.

And he picked up some luncheon meat,

and he said, "Far too dense."
He said what?

He said, "Far too dense." To who?

To himself, to himself.
To the luncheon meat?

He's from Bosnia.

So he was talking to himself
in English, though?

Not... Not in his native language?
Is he Bosnian?

He is Bosnian, yeah. He's Bosnian,
but fluent in five languages.

Yeah, but still,
his most natural language

for him to talk to himself in
wouldn't be English, would it?

You see, German used to be
the language for engineering

and science, way back.

Yeah. And English was always
the language of research.

And he was researching the food.

Subtle, subtle.

Anyway...

Had it been like
a new species of flower,

he'd have spoken in Latin.

So what happened next?

I arrived at the cheese counter
and I ordered some Red Leicester.

Dzeko appeared, and he asked me
what cheese I'd bought,

and would I recommend it?

I said to him it was Red Leicester.
Yes.

And he asked the man if he could
try a bit of the Red Leicester.

The man put up his hands,
"Yeah, sure."

He didn't. Yeah. The man gave him
a bit of Red Leicester.

And he looked at me,

and he said something
in the area of "Tratincica."

What? "Tratincica."
You've learned now

that he spoke to himself
in his own language?

So I looked it up afterwards,

and it actually meant,
"Whoopsie daisy."

He didn't like it.
He didn't like.

He said, "Whoopsie daisy."

"Whoopsie daisy, I've put
something disgusting in my mouth."

Yeah. You know, as it were.
"Ooh, whoopsie daisy!"

Jamelia, what are you thinking?

I just think there's
too many holes in the story.

I just...

I loved it, but, yeah,

there's just no chance
that it's true.

Or, or it's the most fantastic...
I'm going to stop you there...

One thing I will promise you
is that it might be true.

Because definitely, he's referring
to a shop he knows... Yes.

..where cheese
could plausibly be bought.

Yes. And he's selected a footballer
who lives in that city.

OK. There's plausibility there.

But on the other hand,
he's surrounded that core

of plausibility
with a lot of nonsense.

The hands...

But then he says,
"Oh, no, that bit's not true."

And maybe that's just decoration
around...around what?

Is the thing he's decorating
true or false?

Oh, so you think he's like...

That's actually quite a good tactic,
isn't it?

OK. What do you think?
Oh, brilliant!

I...

Lie. Why do you think it's a lie?

Because he's not making eye contact
with us.

I think it might be true. Oh!

And the bit I found
most plausible...

But then, of course...

David, it is now time to decide.
True. True?

A lie. True. We're going true.

One true, one lie.
We're going true.

There we go.
And it'll be over soon.

You're saying it's true? OK.
Bob. Was it true,

or was it a lie?

I was telling...

..the truth.

It's Tasha.

After dating a boy for just a week,

I got a tattoo of his initials.

One week later, we split up.

David's team.

What were his initials? AP.

AP?

And you'd only known him for a week
when you decided to get inked?

Yeah!

You only live once!

You know, it actually happened
when we were on holiday.

That's why. You know,
went somewhere,

got quite drunk.
You know, you're in love.

That romance.
It was a moment of like,

"Let's just do it."

Do you still have the tattoo now?

No, I got it removed.
Whereabouts was it?

It was on my bum cheek, actually.
Oh!

Where was this drunken time?

I was in Mexico. Oh! Yeah.

So the thing is,
with my generation now,

we're talking about my generation.

We have this thing called dating.

So you date like, a year,
a year or two, right?

You do know that
the previous generation had dating?

That's how you were born!

Yeah. But back in your day, it was
very like girlfriend, boyfriend...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

So... I mean, no disrespect, Gyles,
but I'm not his generation!

I'm so sorry!

From Tasha's vantage point,
we're all the same!

Us lot, Charles Dickens,
William the Conqueror...

So back in the day, you know,

I feel like you'd get
the ladies up and dance.

You would write letters...
Like, it was very...

You know what I mean!

Oh, my God!
Of course, you know,

you'd arrive in a carriage... Yeah!

You'd produce your quill...
You'd wear ballgowns, like...

Exactly. You know.
Offer your sword...

Do the curtsey, which I love.

Back in the early '90s,
that's how it was.

So how is it different
for your generation?

Is it just online?

Are you just snapchatting
each other?

Snapchatting?

Do you Snapchat?

I mean... I mean... I mean...
I don't even use Snapchat.

I mean WhatsApping.

I mean tweet...tweeting. Tweeting.
Rob... Tweeting?

Texting. Eurexting each other.

Stop using words
you don't understand!

Myspace!

So, OK. You had the tattoo,

so you'd think,
"Oh, things are wonderful."

What happened then?
He cheated on me. Oh!

Tasha, no. Less than a week
after going official.

And.... And it was with my friend.
Oh!

I know. Awful. Honestly,
it was my friend called Jessica.

Oh, yeah, name her, name her,
name her!

Yeah. I named!
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica!

Hey, hey, hey!

Did he have your initials? No.

So you said, "A week ago,
we went official,

"I think it's going very well.
I'm going to get a tattoo

"of your initials on my buttock."

And he went, "OK, go ahead, then.
I'll... I might buy a postcard."

Well, that's what happens
when you're in love.

When you're in love,
you do silly things.

Yeah, you do. It's time to decide.
What do you think?

Was that all true?
Do you think it's true, Will?

I think it's true.

And I can see
that sort of going on holiday,

caught up in the sun and sangria.
So loved-up.

I think we might go true.
I'm going to go true.

Are you going to say it's true?
OK. Tasha,

they're saying
they think it's true.

Was it true, or was it a lie?

It was...

..a lie.
Oh! Well done.

Well done.

It's Lucy.

Once, on a train,
I was the victim of a snack attack.

Describe the snack attack, please.
Sorry.

Firstly, are you OK? David.

I was on a train,

and I fell asleep,

and there was a g*ng of teenagers.

And then I woke up and they got off.

You know a Wagon Wheel?

They'd parted a Wagon Wheel,

and they'd stuck it to my forehead.

While you were asleep? Yeah.

And you didn't realise
until they'd left?

I woke up and I could
see them getting off, laughing.

And then... And I could feel
I had a Wagon Wheel on my forehead.

There's a lot of gangs of kids
actually do carry Wagon Wheels now.

Is this an isolated incident, Lucy?

Or have other things like this
ever happened to you?

Ever since that happened,
I've been looking,

has anything humiliating like that

ever happened to someone else
in public?

And then I saw a woman,
I was on my way to a gig,

and she had, you know one of them
massive rollers in her hair?

You know,
just in her fringe, like that?

She was stood at a bus stop,

and a boy on a bike went past
and put a sausage through it!

And leapt and put it through
the cut at the other end,

and then off he goes again!
Yeah, in Glasgow.

Rebecca, what are you thinking?

Well, I'm ever so sorry
that happened.

Do you think it's true?
Yes. OK.

Josh, what do you think? Sadly, Rob,

the way this country is going
at the moment, I think it's true.

Well, David,
they've made it very easy for you.

Yes, I think it's true as well.

Lucy, was it true, or was it a lie?

It is...

Oh, no!

Jamelia, you're next.

Whenever somebody wrongs me,

I get my own back
in my very special way.

Oh! Oh. Wronged, like, bad?. Yeah.

What kind of thing, first of all,

would you consider
as a wrong to you?

To be honest, most of the people
that I do this to are, like, exes.

Right. It's a big question, then.
What is it you do?

What is you do? OK.

So it's a computer game
called The Sims 4.

Love it! Four what, sorry?
Sims. It's the best game.

I've been playing it for years.
I know about this.

I know about The Sims! Diane,
would you, then, for Grandpa there,

would you explain?

So it's like...
It's a computer game.

Oh, she's looking at Bob!
He meant me!

I meant Lee, not Bob!

That's my favourite Bob Mortimer
moment on Would I Lie To You!

So, basically,

you build your perfect house
and stuff. Right?

And you have like a star
above your head,

and you can get pregnant.

You can do all sorts.

Get pregnant from having
a star above your head?

That happens in the Bible!

There's a star,
and a pregnancy, and...

As Diane said,
you can kind of build a world.

So I create the person,

and I makes sure it looks like
the person.

And then... The ex? Yeah.
And then what happens?

You can create them
a house and, you know,

and they get a job
and blah, blah, blah.

But I...

Mine don't.

I just make sure they suffer.
So they don't...

What sort of things then
would make their life terrible?

Well, like, they don't apply for
a job and so they don't have money.

And if they don't have money,
then they can't really eat.

If they can't eat...

You know. You know that this show,
this gets broadcast?

What's the worst thing
you've done to them?

I'm not doing anything to them.

It's just they... I think you are.
No, they...

You're controlling
whether he applies for a job.

I control whether
they even go to the toilet.

Well, so it is...
it is you doing it!

You don't let them
go to the toilet?

It just depends how I feel
on the day.

Like, you know,
how much do I hate them that day?

But it's a good thing,

because I'm not doing these things
in real life.

Well, let me ask you a question.

If you contacted your ex,
said, "How have you been?",

and they said,
"I've not been able to find a job.

"I'm struggling to go
to the toilet,"

be honest, how would it
make you feel?

I must sound like a psycho,
but I'd be quite happy!

What do you think, Diane?

I kind of want this to be a lie,

but I feel like it's a truth.

I'd like it to be true.

Yeah. Nice. Well, it is quite
a nice way of coping with...

You don't think it's as good
as just moving on?

So you think truth, lie?
Truth for me.

Truth? Yeah, truth. Yeah. Go on.
We'll say that's true.

You say it's true? Oh, my word.
OK, Jamelia,

was it true, or was it a lie?

Of course it is...

..true!

It's Harriet.

I once broke up with someone

because he wouldn't
stop saying "Get in"

after accomplishing simple tasks.

Lee's team?

How long were you with him for?

Erm, three months.
When did you notice the "Get in"?

When was the first time
you noticed it?

So he screwed up, like,
some rubbish.

And then he threw it
at a rubbish bin.

And then he went, "Get in!"

And you obviously didn't pick him up
on this straight away?

You let him go? No.
At first, I was like,

"Oh, that's endearing." You know?

Like, he just really likes saying
"Get in". Right.

He said "Get in,"
but it had already got in?

Sorry. Why are you getting involved?
I'm just clarifying!

He didn't say "Get in" as it were,
to it, to get in.

No, it's not like golf
where you go, "Get in the hole."

It's... They do a thing, "Get in,"
as in, "Didn't I do well?"

It's very annoying, isn't it?
It's got in,

and then he says, "Get in". What?

You don't think it'd be
more irritating to go, "Went in!"?

Well, I don't know,
but it would make more sense.

Let me ask you, grammatically,

did he get it in,
or did he got it in?

He got it in. But did he got it in
is not the right way of saying it.

Precisely. So "Get in"
works very well.

I think we should "get on" with it.
Get in!

Now, Harriet,
give us some other examples

of things he would do
that would warrant a "Get in"?

Well, like, if he went outside
and it wasn't raining,

he'd go like, "Get in!"

Wow. Even though he's just got out?

Maybe it was a genuine,
like a worry for your welfare.

And he was just going "Get in"?
He did say, like, "Get in".

Like, if you needed to get
in the car, he'd say, "Get in".

I mean, that's the thing
to finish with him for!

If you go to the car
and he goes, "Get in!"...

..then you really need to finish
with him!

Especially if he's just opened
the boot!

What was the final "Get in"
that broke the camel's back?

It's a bit upsetting.

He worried that
he'd had an accident.

Erm... You mean in his pants? Yeah.

And then he checked and he hadn't.
He went, "Get in!"

Oh, my God.
Why did you finish with him?

He sounds like a real catch!

Can I just say, Harriet,
this better be true.

Because if it's a lie,
what is wrong with you?

Talk about taking joy
from the small things in life!

"I haven't wet myself, get in!"

I can't...
He did it in front of you? Yes!

All right. It's like something
from Jane Austen.

But is it true? Julie?
Oh, yeah. This sounds true to me.

Oh, it's traumatic.
I think he sounds nice.

He's, like, full of joie de vivre.

The thing is, there'll be some wife
sat next to him on a sofa,

no idea. And then go...

I think it has to be true.

I just feel like
you'd date someone like that.

Oh, God! Two trues.
What are you going to say, Lee?

Oh, my God.
Anybody else, I'd have said,

"No way would you date
a man like that."

Harriet, she's dated a man
who's looked at his own underpants

and said, "Get in".

So you're saying it's true?
They think it's true, Harriet.

Is it true, or is it just a lie?

It is...

..a lie! Oh!

Well done! Very well done.

John, you're next.

As a boy, I got to go on Blue Peter

for having an absolutely
massive rabbit.

Lucy?

I hope this is true.
I really hope this is true!

Who were the hosts of Blue Peter
when you went on?

I did the interview with Konnie Huq.
How old are you?

Eight. Eight... No, no. Now!

It's been... It's been a tough life!
It's been a tough life.

So what year was this? 1996.

Have you got a Blue Peter badge?
Got a gold one. Oh!

A gold Blue Peter badge?
Yeah. When I was a child,

people who got gold, that was like
above a knighthood!

How big WAS this rabbit?

I feel like you overfed it.
Did you overfeed it?

I don't think I overfed it.
We had a cat called Mitzi...

Who went missing!

..that died when I was three.
OK. Aw! And my mum...

My mum thought I was making
a connection with a pet,

so they bought me a rabbit.

The rabbit's name, what was it?
Samantha.

Samantha? Samantha?

Were you told that it was a rabbit
that would grow to enormous size?

My dad, who bought the rabbit,
was told, yeah, be careful,

this might explode.

Where did he acquire the rabbit?
Sellafield!

There was a bloke...

There was a bloke who lives
down the road, who's still there.

And so he gave my dad one.

It was a normal-sized bunny
when I got it.

Normal sized? Yeah.
Konnie Huq weighed it

in one of those, you know,
like baby weighing scales.

And how much did it weigh?

Eight stone three.

What?! Eight stone three?

No, it didn't!
What did you have until then?

Eight stone?! Eight stone?

Rob Bryden's about
eight stone three!

You fool! You had it!
Konnie Huq, it was all there!

Eight stone three! I got a gold
Blue Peter badge for it!

How did you get to the studios?
Did you ride it in?

If you were eight...

..it would have been heavier
than you!

It was heavier than me!

We got it in '91. In '96...
In 1991? In 1996,

it was bigger than you!

In '96... It overtook you!

You're a human. That's about
the size of a Shetland pony!

But that's why I'm on Blue Peter
with it, man!

They're not just calling me in
cos I've got a normal-sized rabbit!

They called me in...

Do you know what?
When I brought it in,

they reacted exactly
like how you're reacting now.

How did you bring it in?

I put it in a car!

He was driving!

Open the sunroof!

Do you know what? It had really
small ears, weirdly. That is weird.

It had small ears? Are you sure
it wasn't a Shetland pony?

I think it might have been
your dad in a rabbit suit.

To make up... To make up
for the loss of the cat.

How did Blue Peter
hear about your rabbit?

It was like a summer bonanza
kind of, you know,

write in with your biggest stuff.

There was a chap there,
he was probably about ten,

and he had like a...
Well, he'd grown a tomato.

Oh, so it wasn't just you?
It was kids with big things?

There's about three of us
stood around.

How big was the tomato?
Er... Careful.

It was about the size of his head.

And what was the third large item?

Why did you create
two more big items?!

Why have you done this to yourself?

You started off thinking of one,
but now you've got three!

There was a girl there,

she had used the same pencil
at school for three years,

and it was that big.

There was little things as well?
Yeah. You wrote in...

..when you were watching
Blue Peter...

Do you know what? You can be cruel
on this show sometimes.

No, I'm not being... I'm just...
You were watching Blue Peter with...

Remind me of the rabbit's name?

Samantha. Samantha.
Don't remind him!

Well, she was kind of wandering
around the living room.

Knocking over the sofa...

Smashing through windows.

And it says on the programme,
"We're having a big summer bonanza."

Summer bonanza. Write... "Write in
if you've got anything enormous,

"or tiny." Yeah. Please tell me
they didn't say that on Blue Peter!

So, hey, John, what happened to
Samantha in the fullness of time?

Well, like humans, as you get older,
you get smaller. Yes. Yeah.

So she did actually go back
to a normal size.

Oh, please... Please...

Wow! She went back to a normal-sized
rabbit from eight stone...

But she had massive ears
by the end of it!

When she passed,
she was one stone six.

That's still quite heavy
for a rabbit, just so you know.

It is! How heavy is a stone?

Well, just one stone
is a lot heavier than a rabbit.

I wish I'd known that
five minutes ago!

What are you thinking?
David's team? It's so...

Well, I've never heard of a rabbit
that's that big.

I can't believe he would say that.
I know.

You know what, with the dates,
it was spot-on with the dates.

And the years. The dates...
There was a long period

where it was very believable,
wasn't there?

Everything about his story
was perfect.

It was the weight of the rabbit.

But also, I remember now someone
getting a gold Blue Peter badge,

and it was Torvill and Dean
got them,

when they'd won about
four gold medals in the Olympics.

And he got one for, admittedly, the
largest rabbit that has ever lived.

What are we going to say? Lie.
It's got to be a lie.

It's got to be.
I think we have to say it's a lie.

All right. This is a tense moment.

John, were you telling the truth,

or was it a lie?

It was, in fact...

..a lie.

Well, that's all we have time for
on this special edition

of Would I Lie to You?

Thanks very much for watching.
Goodnight!