01x01 - The Deal

[bunniefuu]

Suck on that,
you little b*tch.

Good shot!

God, I'm good.

You're on fire, zeeman!

This is what they call
the proverbial zone, johnny,

A place you'll never see.

Man,
look at the time.

Uh, why don't
we call it a night?

We need
to finish the game.

Why do you always
have to win, johnny?

It's a stupid game.
Let it go!

No, wait!
You're the one who--

Don't you dare
put a spin on this.

Get the f*ck
out of here.

Not a problem,
you psychopath!

You'll never
see me again!

Call you tomorrow.

Ok.

Call you tomorrow.

Ok.

And another thing--

[Door shuts]

[Squeaks raspily]

[Slurping]

[Snip snip snip]

Hi, johnny!

Hey, paula.

So how's
school going?

Pretty good.

Social life?

Who, clay?

No!

That girl
you've been after.

What girl?

The one we talk
about all the time.

What girl?

The one we talk
about all the time.

You know, the one you've
known your whole life?

The brunette?
She's smart, funny...

She's the only one
who knows the real you?

Does this
ring a bell, johnny?

I can never find
the right time.

We've been
friends forever.

Just tell me her name,
for goodness sakes.

This is getting old.

All right, paula.
You're right.

It's time I told you.

It's been long enough.

The person
I've been in love with

For as long
as I can remember is--

Hey, paula.

Oh, chip,
you're early.

Johnny,
can we talk about this later?

Wait, I thought
you broke up with him.

We did. This is
just a grudge f*ck.

[Moaning]

[Groaning]
oh, smack it!

Chip: yeah!

[Sniff]

[Yelps]

Oh, no, you don't.

The vicodin's
for my back pain.

Understood?

[Beep]

[Panting] uhh!

I said no.

Now let's go to bed.

[Farts]

Eww!

[Snoring]

Old woman, sinisterly:
I see dead people.

Grandma?

Is that you?

[Evil laughter]

This is my room!

Leave me alone!

[Chuckles]

[Trills like engine] aah!

[Buzzing]

[Squeaking and muttering]

[Snarls]

[Asian accent] you'll never
take us alive, angus! Never!

[Growls]

Hunh! Hah!

[Groaning]

[Snarling]

Ooh! Ah!

Aah!

[Growling and muttering]

[Radio playing music]

[Music stops]

[Growling]

[Roars]

Aah!

[Snarls]

[Cell phone rings]

What?

Uh, slow down, johnny.

Now, why is your grandma
trying to k*ll you?

She wants my room!
You know that!

And she planted
a gila monster

In here last night
to get rid of me!

Where in the hell
did that crazy old b*tch

Get a gila monster?

I don't know.

Grandma:
I'll give you a hummer

For that lizard
over there.

Whoa.

[Sucking]

The internet?

Nice.

So, what the f*ck
do you want me to do?

Can't you talk to her?

You're good with women.

Oh, god! The
little son of a b*tch

Is pissin'
on my persian.

Johnny, I don't
have time right now.

Just come over.

What part of "I'm going to die"
don't you get?!

[Squeals]

Aah!

Get your smelly a*s
down from there

And clean this mess up.

Hey!

Heh heh heh!

Hey, look!

Godzilla!

Grandma: get ready
for round 2!

Leave me alone.

I'm already late
for school.

Grandma: watch
that first step, cookie.

It's a doozy.

[Crack]

[Gasps]

Ohh! Aah, aah!

[Crack]

Ohh!

My spleen!

If I were teaching
at a normal college,

I would have you read
chapters 4 through 7,

But since you guys
are so stupid,

You can just look
at the pretty pictures.

What?

Is there gonna be a test?

Would you please leave?

Hey, dude.

What happened
to your face, omar?

Oh, I just...

Fell down the stairs
or something.

Anyway, do you wanna go get a
bite in the cafeteria?

Sorry, man. I'm
going over to clay's.

What the hell has that
crazy guy been up to?

Is he even
in school anymore?

No, didn't you hear?

He slipped on a chalupa

And sued taco hell
for messing up his back.

Really? How bad
did he get hurt?

He's in constant pain.

[Rock metal playing]

Man, that sucks.

So how much
did he get?

I'm not sure, but clay likes
to use the term "a*s-load."

Oh, my god!
What happened?

Angus broke through the new
security system last night.

No way!

What are you doing?

Ah, it's
an insurance thing.

You wouldn't understand.

Listen, I'm gonna
need you to watch angus

While he kicks
these pills.

Forget it! No way!

I am not detoxing
that ferret for you!

Come on.

No rehab will
take him anymore,

And your place
is perfect...

[Farts]

No pills.

Why can't you just
get rid of your pills?

How dare you?

You know I need those
for my back.

I'm sorry. You're right,
you're right,

But, clay,
even if I wanted to,

I don't know
the first thing about drugs.

I never even
snorted marijuana.

I'll talk
to your grandma for you.

Promise?

No prob.

So if I
get angus clean,

You'll get grandma
off my back?

Yep.

Deal?

Deal.

[Sizzles]

Hot!

[Sizzles]

Hot!

All right, betty ford.

Let's do this.

[Screeching]

Are you sure he's ok,
riding like that?

Trust me, he's
feeling no pain.

[Brakes squeal]

[Tires screeching]

[Laughing]

[Brakes squeal,
[glass shattering]

[Brakes squeal]

Hey, look,
pablo.

It's little
johnny jenkins.

g*dd*mn, homes!
What's it been, like, 3 days

Since we kicked
your a*s, ese?

I'd say we're
definitely overdue.

[Engines revving]

Aah!

Aah!

Hit the nitrous,
hit the nitr--

Yee-hah!

Whoo!

[Laughing]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

We won, clay! We won!

You can slow down now!

We were racing?

[Brakes squeal]

Johnny: dude, watch out!

[Brakes squeal]

Johnny: dude, watch out!

Ohh! Thank god.

My grandma
would've k*lled us.

Look at yourself.

God, you're pathetic.

How could an old lady
have done this to you?

You don't understand.
She loves this car.

She lost her virginity
in that car.

Johnny, this car's only,
like, 30 years old.

Not that virginity,

The other virginity--

The heinie virginity.

Hi, johnny.

Say something.

You want her to think
you're Ret*rded?

[Hoarsely]
hi, paula.

Oh, yeah,
that'll get her wet.

Let's go.

Hey, dad.

[Grunts]

Hey, mr. Jenkins.

Oh, hey, clay.

How the hell
you been, buddy?

Can I get you a drink?

No, not right now.

I have some business
to take care of.

Oh, no,
I understand.

Yeah, go take care
of your stuff,

And afterwards
maybe I can talk to you

About this great
investment opportunity

I came across
the other day--



Yeah, definitely.

Great, great!

I smell big money.

We'll talk soon,
partner.

He's all yours.

Have fun.

I'll have a drink
with you, dad.

Oh, yeah, sure.

As soon as you get
some hair on that chest.

Look!

Ow!

[Laughs]

Come on!

g*dd*mn it, run!

Clay, echoing: hello?

Who's there?

Hi, grandma.

I love what you've done
with the place.

What the f*ck
do you want, flat belly?

We need to talk.

Yeah?

About what?

Johnny.

About what?

Johnny.

For christ's sake,

What's wrong with that
whiny little square now?

He has this small problem

With you trying to steal
his room, lady.

You stay
out of this!

I'm afraid
it's too late for that.

Oh, yeah? The little
turd's in college.

He should move out,

Stop spongin' off
my hard-working son.

Oh, you mean
that drunk guy upstairs?

Don't you talk that way
about my baby.

Now, listen, I'm not spending
my golden years

Down here in a
spider-infested dungeon.

We'll bug-b*mb
the place for you,

But this is your home.

Huh. Funny,

I don't recall you
being part of my family.

Believe me, I would've
k*lled myself years ago

If that were true.

So stay away
from his room, lady.

Or what?

Or I'm gonna have
to get nasty on your a*s.

Ooh, those biceps
look luscious.

Have, uh,
you been workin' out?

No, I haven't
been working out.

Well, I think
you're a little li-ar.

So, you think you
can take your old man?

Where did
that come from?

It doesn't matter.

Do you? Do you think
you can take me?

No.

Uh, what if I were to tie
one arm behind my back?

Would you be able
to take me then?

How much have you
had to drink?

[Burps] both arms?

Why?!

Wussy.

Look, grandma, let's
get one thing straight:

You and i--that's never
gonna happen, capisce?

[Chuckles slyly]
oh, come on.

Aren't you just
a tad bit curious?

Hmm?

Jesus christ, lady!

But you do think
you're smarter than me.

Where did you get
that crazy idea?

You're a big-time
college boy now, aren't you?

Flashin' all
your learnin' around.

But, dad,
you went to college.

Ah, half a semester!

Then I knocked up
your skank mom,

And after
she shot you out,

She split town

And left me
your wussy a*s to raise.

g*dd*mn it!

[Inhales wheezily]

When are you gonna
start havin' sex, boy?

Uh-oh.

I'm just
warning you now

I've dealt with
a hell of a lot worse

Than the likes of you,

So I just want you to know
you don't scare me.

[2001: a space odyssey
theme playing]

[Creaks]

What's it gonna take

For me to get you
off your grandson's a*s?

Um...

[what's up, pussycat
playing]

Tom jones,
here I come!

[Cheering]

Tom jones:
♪ la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ La la la... ♪

[Whimpers]

There, there, angus.

We'll
do this together.

We can
kick this thing

And live clean,
healthy, productive lives.

[Moans]

"After you've
put the patient on ice,

"We recommend you play
some easy listening

To soothe their nerves."

"Warning:

"Depending
on your selection,

The patient
may become violent."

[Radio playing
piano music]

Are you ok?

What's going on
up there?

Long story short,

I'm trying to get
a ferret off vicodin,

And it's not going good,

And it's a--it's a--

I know what to do.

How do you know
about this stuff?

How does anyone
ever learn anything?

Dr. Phil.

♪ ...la la la ♪

[Applause and cheering]

Thank god
this sh*t's over.

All right, grams,
wait here.

I'm gonna go backstage
and find out how much

Mr. Jones will
wh*re himself out for.

Hold it.

I changed my mind.

I don't want him
anymore.

Well, who? Not me.

Uh-uh.

Him!

Eminem?!

Yeah. [Chuckles]

He's cute.

Do you know
who that is?

Ohh!

No, but he reminds me
of a young andy williams.

Mmm!

Well, forget it.

Even if he
would sleep with you,

I don't have
enough money to pay him.

Well, you could
at least try.

You don't understand...

[2001: a space odyssey
theme plays]

Ok, I'm going,
I'm going.

Just keep
those things shut.

Ahem. Excuse me.

Mr. Em?

Chill, dogs.

Yo.

Sorry to bug you, bro.

I just have to ask you
a stupid question.

No prob.

Oh, no, not that.

It's something else.

'Sup?

Well, it's just--

Ok, I'm
just gonna say it.

What would you think
about getting together

With that miserable
old hag over there?

g*dd*mn! What is she,
like, 100?

At least.

You're not f*ck'
jamie kennedy, are you?

Am I gettin' xed?

Please, I'm way
better-looking than that gu.

This is serious.

Then seriously get your
crack a*s out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just hear me out.

I know eminem
wouldn't do it,

But slim shady would.

Hmm. Yeah,
you're right.

Slim's mad-crazy,
yo,

But he ain't
that crazy.

What are you afraid of,

You won't be able
to satisfy her, rice d*ck?

f*ck you! I'm packin'!

She's moby's mom!

moby moby?

For shizzle, my nizzle.

♪ And, moby, you can
get stomped by obie ♪

Exactly.

And now you'll be able
to say you f*cked his mom.

All right,
bring her over here.

I'm game.

You're one crazy n*gga!

g*dd*mn weasel's
got my cubans!

If he gets a hold
of him, he'll k*ll him!

Come on!

[Glass shatters]

My scotch!

I'm gonna k*ll you,
you f*ck' squirrel!

Stop it, dad!

You're hurting him!

He's clay's pet.

He's clay's?

Can I get you a drink?

No!

[Techno music playing]

Clay, baby,

You will be mine.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

You will, you will,
you will...

You're getting
very, very sleepy.

What were those?

A couple of valium.

But doesn't that
defeat the purpose?

Sometimes you need to use
drugs to get off drugs.

That doesn't
sound right.

Methadone
clinic!

He's out.

Ok, tell him
what you want.

[Ghostly voice]
angus...

No stupid voice.

Angus, from now on,

You will live
a clean, healthy,

Productive life,

Like a mormon,

Except for
the multiple wives.

[Growls]

All right, as many wives
as you want.

Just stay clean,
little buddy!

Oh, yeah, and no more
biting johnny jenkins

In the genitals.

Ok. When you awake,

You will have
no recollection

Of what
just happened.





Ugh! Ohh!

No, louis,

I need to be hooked up now.

[Laughing] oh! Oh, dre!

Dre--dre, dre, stop it!

Well, n-not totally
stop it, but just--

[Laughs]

Good morning.

I just came over to see how our
little patient was doing.

Great!

It's like
he's born again.

He got up early
this morning,

He prayed,

He jogged 5 miles,

Did some charity work
with the blind...

Cooked everyone breakfast...

And even did step 8

And made amends
for pooping in my shoes...

And now he's cleaning
the entire house.

[Gasps]

[Shatters]

Well,
for what it's worth,

I think you did
a great job with an*s.

Um...

It's angus.

Oh. Hmm!

Angus.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

I can't believe it.

He's been clean for,
like, 12 hours straight.

I really think
it's gonna stick this time.

Dad: mongoose season
is officially open!

[g*n clicks and fires]

[Siren]

Don't!

He's not allowed
to have vicodin!

[Electrical buzz]

[Siren]

[Tires screech]

What the hell
happened to you two?

[Rapid-fire]
I'm so sorry, clay.
I had angus totally clean,

But my dad shot him,

And the medics gave him
a vicodin drip.

I tried to stop them,
and it took us 3 ambulances

To get here--

Johnny, slow down.

They gave you a couple pills
down there, didn't they?

Yes, yes,
they did!

[Telephone rings]

Hold, please. Speak.

[Telephone rings]

Hold, please. Speak.

Operation get even is ready
to commence, sir.

We're transferring
total control

To your laptop
as we speak.

Nice. Well, why
don't you take the boys

Down to chuck e. Cheese's

And have
a couple pies on me?

Ooh, chuck e. Cheese.

How much do we get
for games?

May I just take
this opportunity, sir,

To tell you
what a pleasure it is

To work with you again?

Check's in the mail.

What was that?

Wait a minute.

Is that my
grandma's car?

No.

It sure looks like
my grandma's car!

How did it go
with grandma anyway?

Oh, it went fine.

Don't worry, johnny.

She won't ever try
to steal your room again.

[Scottish accent]
major b*ner,

We have
a serious problem.

Someone or something
has penetrated the system.

[Grunts]

Holy sh*t!

Son of a b*tch!

Damn you, clay!

Ohh, it's not over!

The room will be mine!

The sweet taste of revenge.

I got you something.

Eminem! Awesome!

He's a really
talented guy,

But I wish he didn't
sing that song

About k*lling
his mom.

You're right, johnny.

He is kind of a sicko.

Ohh!

Let's never
talk about him again.

Where the heck
did angus go?

[Chomp]

Aah!