Voicemails for Isabelle (2026)

[bunniefuu]

["Dancing on My Own" by Robyn playing]

[sprays]

["Dancing on My Own" continues]

I did it!

Holy sh*t!

It

was

awesome.

Start from the top!

I walked into school this morning.

And then I see Colin Corwin.

-[screams] Yeah!

-Somebody said you got a new friend

Does she love you better than I can?

Jill tastes like beef jerky.

[boys laughing]

[girls gasp]

[boys gasp and groan]

I see you told everyone

how you begged me to suck face.

-Classy!

-[girls exclaim] Ooh!

Sorry, Jill, but I'm not

gonna be your boyfriend.

-[boys exclaim] Oh!

-Don't flatter yourself, Colin Corwin.

I regretted you the second

your sweaty slug lips touched mine.

[girls exclaim]

Hey, Jill, does your sister taste

like beef jerky too,

or just cancer?

-[boys and girls gasp]

-[boy] Cold.

I'm just gonna dance all night

-[Jill and Colin grunt]

-Fight!

[boy and girls chanting]

Fight! Fight! Fight!

[screams]

[sobbing]

You're gonna be in so much trouble.

Mr. Corwin!

You cry like a little b*tch.

[Colin sobs]

He asked if I tasted like cancer?

That's it?

I'd rather have cancer

than cystic fibrosis.

Boys are just so embarrassing.

Well, congratulations. You're suspended.

Again.

-["Dancing on My Own" continues]

-[both laughing]

[woman on TV] Welcome to

the culinary motherland, San Francisco.

I just gotta see it for myself

I'm in the corner

Watching you kiss her

Oh

[Jill] Turmeric.

Pistachio, fruit of the gods!

Oh!

I'm giving it my all--

-[music stops]

-[both screaming]

Back away, girls! Out of the way!

[Isabelle squeaks]

[Isabelle sighs]

[Dad] We shoulda had boys.

You see, the antibiotics aren't working

as well as we'd hoped.

Hi.

Izzy, listen. It's Robyn.

-["Dancing on My Own" playing]

-[gasps]

On my own

-Ready?

-Ready!

On my own

So far away, but still so near

Do you really need to go out?

It's your last New Year's with us.

I know.

It's also my last New Year's

with my friends.

-I know.

-Bye, love you!

-Be safe.

-Mwah! Bye!

-[Mom] Love you.

-To say goodbye

You ready?

-[woman] 15 minutes to midnight, b*tches!

-[partiers whooping]

-I'm sorry. I have gotta go. I can't

-[moaning]

-[moaning continues]

-[electronic dance music playing]

[inhales, exhales]

[sighs]

-I'm so sorry.

-No.

That was so fun.

["Dancing on My Own" by Robyn playing"]

-Sorry. Pardon me. Excuse me.

-I'm giving it my all

But I'm not the girl

You're taking home

[Mom, Dad, Isabelle] Three, two, one!

-Happy New Year!

-[whooping]

-[Jill yelling]

-[all yelling]

-[blows]

-[shouts]

I have my knife skills test tomorrow,

and there's just no way for me

to make it in time and I am so, so sorry.

Holy sh

[Isabelle] Don't worry, my lad.

Pretty soon, you'll be headed

to the culinary motherland!

Dancing on my own

He thought it was gonna happen

in 2029, 30 years ago,

so if we can just

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, you're looking at my eye.

-Your eye? What?

-Yeah. I look like Sloth from The Goonies.

[both chuckle]

-No, you don't.

-I know.

-No, you don't.

-[Scott] Don't worry. It's

It's just pink eye.

Well, I'm pretty sure

pink eye is, like, super contagious.

No, that's just a common misconception.

No, really, I think it is.

Fake news made up by Big Pharma.

[laughs nervously]

[Scott] Trust me.

Your eyes, on the other hand,

are super beautiful.

[tense music playing]

[automated voice] Your call

has been forwarded to voicemail.

And then he smears butt particles

all over my face.

My face is a butthole.

Call me tomorrow, please.

[laughs]

[song fades]

[alarm chiming]

[Jill] I'm up.

["Almost Happy" by Laces playing]

I'm just young enough

To be a little numb and dumb

Not sure how I feel

But I'm sure I've seen enough

Enough that the world

Would miss me a little

Would they say I--

-[music stops]

-[coughing intensely]

[gags]

-[song resumes]

-Here we are, here we are

Here we are, here we are

Hey

Hey

Here we are, here we are

It's like I'm almost happy

It's like I'm almost happy

[groans softly]

[song fades]

[dramatic classical music playing]

[cheering]

-[excited chatter]

-[dramatic classical music continues]

[crowd screaming]

Bonjour!

Chef Bastien, who is your favorite chef?

Who is my favorite chef? That is easy.

It is ma mre.

She is so beautiful, she is dead.

Your performance on Top Chef

changed my life.

Ow.

[music fades]

[Bastien] Geoffrey! Eyes on your cake!

-[man gasps]

-Get!

Look at me. Don't look at me.

Look at me.

Never look at me!

[tense music playing]

Did you just look at me?

Did you just make eye contact with me?

No, Chef.

-[both exhale]

-[music fades]

-Oh!

-[man grunts]

Maybe try saying "corner" next time.

[cooks laughing]

[sighs]

-You okay?

-Yeah.

Eight hours deseeding

and slicing kumquats?!

Culinary waterboarding.

[Jill] I can't even remember

the last time I actually made anything,

other than my brekkie burrito.

All I do is measure, deseed, slice,

and pray for the sweet release of death.

An AI robot could

do my job better than me.

You were built for this, my dude.

Let a mofo know.

[groans]

I will let a mofo know I am homesick,

I'm almost out of savings,

and there's nowhere for me to go

unless a baker quits or retires or dies.

All right, fine, you crazy son of a b*tch.

I will fly to San Fran

and m*rder one of the bakers with you.

How would we do it?

Well, obviously, we'd wrap

my oxygen cord around his neck.

-Wow, you answered that so quickly.

-[laughing]

Wait, speaking of lack

of oxygen to the brain,

I'm getting drinks

with Equinox Ethan tomorrow.

Isn't that the guy who thinks

that babies can breathe underwater?

He's neurospicy.

Have a little healthy self-love, my guy.

Eh

You've gotta get on Hinge.

It's amazing.

Except for the part where you feel

like a hideous, unlovable troll

that might match with Ted Bundy.

-I've never been drier.

-[Jill laughs]

I think I'd rather

just live vicariously through you.

Perfect.

-Hello?

-Yeah. I'm here.

-Hi.

-No

I have to tell you something.

Don't freak out.

What?

[sniffles, sighs]

Test results came back.

-Why didn't you call me?

-I literally just did.

They're, uh

listing me for a lung transplant.

It's lookin' pretty dire. [laughs sadly]

They don't know

what they're talking about.

I mean, they've been wrong

every single step of the way.

You're fine, because

Because you're a superhero.

Have they still not figured that out yet?

Yeah, I guess not.

-Tsk. I'm gonna come home.

-No.

-I'll look up flights now.

-No.

It's not because of the results.

I miss you. I need to see you.

You're gonna be home

in three weeks for turkey.

-For the weekend.

-If you do, I will kick you in the tit.

You'll never make baker if you fly home

every time they give us sh*t news.

-No, I'm--

-You are being so dramatic.

-I'm not being dramatic!

-This is not A Walk to Remember.

But is it A Fault in Our Stars?

[chuckles]

Shailene would def play me in my biopic.

-But no.

-Okay, fine.

But I'll see you in three weeks. Turkey!

Jill?

Yes, my lad?

[poignant music playing]

You're the most lovable person

I've ever known.

If you're a bird, I'm a bird, brother.

Call me tomorrow?

Night.

Good night.

[sniffles]

[inhales, exhales]

Jill, look, I want

to be absolutely translucent.

-"Transparent"?

-That too.

Uh, listen,

I am down to, like, hang,

but not for anything, like, intense.

-[inhales] Oh

-But I am 100% committed to--

Penetration?

Yes!

Oh, my God, yes. Yeah.

We are, like, on the same wavelength.

We are just over here,

finishing each other's--

-Minds!

-[indistinct chatter]

[cell phone buzzing]

I'm gonna take this.

[ominous music playing]

[Mom on recording] Jill, honey,

you need to come home right now.

-Call me when you get this.

-[gasps]

[somber music playing]

[Jill] Mom, I'm here.

What's going on? How is she?

-Talk to me. What's going on?

-[medical staff chattering indistinctly]

-What are they saying?

-She crashed suddenly.

Okay.

Her oxygen levels dropped.

She didn't make it.

Izzy didn't make it.

Okay. What are they saying?

Jill, honey

Mom, where is she?

She didn't make it, honey.

I'm here. Where is she?

Where is she?

-Jill, honey

-Where is she?

-Jill.

-Izzy?

["To Build A Home"

by The Cinematic Orchestra playing]

[Jill] Izzy was dealt

a bullshit hand.

["To Build A Home" continues softly]

But she never ever complained.

She was beyond that.

[laughs] And she believed

in angels and fate.

In an "order" of things.

I think she would

have really loved Burning Man.

[inhales, exhales]

So, um today,

rather than eviscerating this

order of things that I don't understand,

um, I'm gonna try my best.

I'm gonna try my best

to make lemonade, like Izzy.

And Beyonc.

[sighs]

Isabelle could have been alive

a thousand years ago,

or a thousand years from now,

but what are the chances

that in all of time, space, humanity,

she was alive with us, right?

With me.

How lucky are we?

And not only did she and I meet.

[Jill sobs softly]

But

[voice breaks] But we got to eat pancakes.

We got to wiggle out

our little baby teeth together.

We got to paint each other's toenails.

[inhales sharply, laughs sadly]

We got to be sisters.

We got to be sisters.

-["To Build A Home" continues]

-Built a home

For you

For me

Until it disappeared

From me

From you

[Izzy on recording] My brother in Christ.

We miss you on wh*re Island.

[laughs]

My brother in Christ.

We miss you on wh*re Island.

Don't forget.

You're more beautiful than Cinderella.

You smell like pine needles,

and you have a face like sunshine.

When I look at you, my heart is filled

with purple and pink fireworks.

Be ungovernable.

You gotta flop to fly.

We could open a chowder spot

and call it "Bisquey Business."

I just drank all of Mom's ros

and DMed Jacob Elordi.

Maybe he'll think

I'm a Make-a-Wish kid. [laughs]

Good night, lad. I love you.

Call me.

[song fades]

[ship horns blowing distantly]

[laughs]

[line dialing]

[cell phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Who is that?

I don't know. I just got a new work cell.

[laughing] Yo, Isabella!

It is I, your brother.

I'm sitting here at my bench.

I'm looking out at the Golden Gate Bridge.

It's a beautiful night.

I'm drinking champagne

out of a brown paper bag,

and I am missing you.

Oh, my God, I hate this place.

Where are our weirdos, man?

You know, I thought SF was gonna be

full of rock-and-roll hippies in drag

who love pot and Journey and burritos.

But where the hell is the Jos's here?

Where are the?

[shouting] And whose d*ck

do I have to suck

to get a breakfast taco around here?!

I love you, brother.

You are such a b*tch for leaving

before I could tell you that.

[door opens]

We need to talk about boundaries.

[ethereal music playing]

-Good night, Arthur. See you tomorrow.

-Good night, see ya.

-Hey, Jill?

-Yeah?

You wanna grab a drink?

So, that was a sorta long-a*s vacation

you took, Jill.

Oh, my sister sorta

died.

-Dang.

-Yeah.

Jill, that is hella sad.

Thanks, yeah. So how have you been?

-Amazing. Life is just perfect.

-[indistinct chatter]

Everything is working for me, Jill.

Everything is exactly where it should be.

How are you?

-I'm done, Wes.

-[chatter continues]

-With your cider, or?

-With us.

What? We're just getting

to know each other.

You've been inside of me for six months.

Pastries, baking,

it's a chick thing, traditionally.

But that's so sexist, right?

Because I can do anything my mom can do.

[coughs]

I am trying to hold space

for your brokenness.

But I deserve secure attachment,

not someone who love bombs me

like I'm on The Bachelor,

and then the moment that I catch feels

brings me to Buffalo Wild Wings.

-You said you liked wings.

-I lied!

[chatter stops]

Excuse me, can I get one of those?

Thank you so much.

[Jill and Arthur] Cheers!

[upbeat music plays, stops]

God, you're so beautiful.

You're like easily a 6.5.

Like, an SF 6.5, a Kansas ten.

-Do you want another shot?

-Can we get one more of those?

[Brittani] I just wanna

hear you say it, Wes.

You don't know how to love.

-That's No. I don't think that-- Britt.

-[whimsical music playing]

-Britt, listen. Hey, stop.

-Stop.

I'm sorry. I can't claim to understand

all the ways that my trauma

has affected me,

but I know that

I'm genuinely sorry.

["Joyride" by Kesha playing]

Are you a man? 'Cause I'm a b*tch

You're strong.

[Brittani] You've been a bad boy.

-[song stops]

-[Arthur moaning]

-Don't touch my hair.

-Okay. Sorry.

-[song resumes]

-Joyride

-Joyride

-[Brittani exclaims]

I'm just looking for a good time

-[song stops]

-Tell me everything's gonna be okay.

[breathing heavily]

Everything's gonna be okay.

-[Arthur moans]

-Hm?

Say it again.

No, I can't. I

To be honest, I don't

Between climate change

and the unraveling of democracy,

I don't really think that everything is

-[song resumes]

-[Brittani grunting]

[Brittani grunting and growling]

-Tell me.

-Everything's gonna be okay.

-[screams]

-[grunts]

[moaning loudly]

-[groaning] Oh!

-[sighs contentedly]

-[laughing]

-[sighs]

[inhales sharply]

[cries]

Sorry.

Joyride

[song ends]

What's up, babe?

Hey.

So, I cannot stop thinking

about last night.

Oh!

Yeah. I got several noise complaints.

Did you?

What do you say tonight

my bear claw goes in your croissant?

-No.

-[laughing]

No. No, you can't handle this.

-[scoffs]

-[Arthur laughs]

No? Isn't?

-Hey.

-I feel sick.

No, I'm sorry.

No, it's good. I'm good. We're good, 'kay?

-Okay.

-Jill.

I'm cool.

Cool as a kumquat.

You used me like a human dildo.

And you kicked me to the curb.

-What are you talking about?

-I'm talking about what you did.

-What I did? I--

-You're You gaslit me.

And you're gonna regret it.

["Walking at a Downtown Pace"

by Parquet Courts playing]

Um

I've found a reason to exist

Begging not to go extinct

-Do what you saw

-[inaudible dialogue]

[Wes] Fefe, I got you a triple-shot latte

to thank you.

Shh! That was the last time, Wes.

It's a felony.

Reading texts?

Hacking someone's texts for insider info

to sell commercial real estate?

-Yes, a felony.

-I don't--

In all 50 states.

Including Idaho,

where cannibalism is legal.

I'm out, Wes.

You're gonna have to stalk people

the same way as everyone else.

Instagram.

All right, no, I see the play.

I will pay you double

and then you can buy yourself

more sweater vests or Pokmon cards or--

Pokmon?

You know what?

I'm done being your little hacker boy.

So you can take your lattes

and your shiny teeth back upstairs.

Okay. All right. Understood.

[employees chattering]

I appreciate you, Fefe.

[man] Uh, he's in a meeting right now.

Can I take a message?

Okay, sure. Just call back.

It's Felix!

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music playing over speakers]

Oh, my God. You went on that date

with the guy with the pink eye.

-[laughs] Yeah, that's me.

-[laughs]

It's been weeks, I bet his eye's healed.

Maybe I should hit him up

for a second date?

No, that was a joke.

I'm actually on a d*ck cleanse.

A D-tox, if you will.

Patiently awaiting my g*y awakening.

-Did you know what you wanted?

-I'll have a mocha to go. Please. Thanks.

Ever been stood up?

-Oh, are you talking to me?

-I overheard your conversation.

[Jill] Oh, great.

Have I been stood up?

Actually, no.

So I still have that to look forward to.

Well, I have you beat, then.

I am currently being stood up.

-On a day date?

-Yeah.

Yikes.

Yikes is right.

Sorry.

Would you maybe want to join me?

Please. I don't think my fragile male ego

could handle another rejection today.

[chuckles]

Um, what's your name?

Tyler Riordan.

Jill Shaw.

-Lady Shaw.

-Thanks.

Tyler Riordan sounds so familiar.

Are you a tech founder?

Not smart enough.

Actor?

Hmph! Not pretty enough.

Oh, you're not pretty enough?

Okay. So you're an influencer.

-The irony is palpable.

-[gasps]

Wait.

You have the, um, dating podcast.

You're the dating guy. [gasps]

Hi! Nice to meet you, Tyler Riordan.

Oh, my God.

Tyler, my phone died, and I had

to find my way back from the East Bay.

I completely raw-dogged it with my mind.

No worries. I ran into a friend.

-Yes.

-Mm-hmm.

Well, nice to see you, friend.

Have a seat.

No, no, no. We can get another table.

No, no, no, please. Please sit.

[laughs awkwardly]

Um, I'm just gonna grab my stuff.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Take your seat. I've warmed it up for you.

-I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna Yeah.

-Yeah.

[Jill] Cool. Bye.

Jill!

[Jill] Hi.

I figured I could let you leave.

Then I'd have to go home,

get on Craigslist, and write a post

on Missed Connections. Very early 2000s.

[both laugh]

Or I could just run out on my date,

chase you down the street,

and ask you for your number,

which now that I say it out loud

uh, maybe Craigslist was the move.

[hopeful music playing]

I'm swearing off men, remember?

-The whole D-tox thing, so

-Yes. D-toxing. Right.

I can't.

-Nice to meet you.

-Well, how about I give you my number?

[music fades]

Okay.

[Tyler chuckles]

[cell phone buzzing]

[sighs]

[buzzing continues]

[cell phone chimes]

[Jill on recording] Izzy? [laughs]

-[shrieks]

-[laughs softly]

[Jill inhales sharply]

You're not gonna believe this.

It was some Notting Hill,

frickin' Bridget Jones sh*t.

-Please get ready.

-[laughs softly]

You know what he was?

He was Bri-hi-ti-hish

from foggy London town.

Actually, I don't know if he was

from London, but I'm gonna pause

so that you can finish masturbating.

[laughs out loud]

[auspicious music playing]

-[knocking on door]

-[music fades]

Good work, Wes.

Thank you, sir.

-[Jim] Close her up.

-You got it.

All right.

[whispers] Jill.

Hey, psst!

[mouths] f*ck you.

[Bastien] Line up!

[tense pensive music playing]

I have a little bit of a puzzle.

Zella, Bastien la crme.

What are the ingredients?

All-purpose flour, almond flour,

powdered and granulated sugar, whole egg,

cream, unsalted butter,

vanilla bean, and salt, Chef.

Did you say "human hair"?

[Zella] No, I did not, Chef.

[Bastien] That puts me

in a real snickerdoodle. [snickers]

[music crescendos]

Oh, now, wait a second.

Kirby, why do I see

one of your radioactive

Chucky-doll pubes in my tart?

That is not mine.

That's not yours?

Right there, on the little titty part.

-No.

-No?

Oh, did Little Orphan Annie

come into my kitchen last night

and shed her ginger a*s on this tart?

I don't know.

-You don't know?

-[Kirby] Mm-mm.

[music turns dramatic]

[Jill] It was so unhinged, my dude.

But

there is a silver lining.

Or shall I say a ginger lining?

[laughs] Damn, Jilleth. I know. Too soon.

Look, I take no pleasure in saying this,

but the baker position is now open!

[yells]

Finally!

[Jill and Tyler laugh]

But what are the qualifications

to host a podcast?

-Qualifications?

-Yes.

-There are none.

-Really?

-Thought so.

-I'm virtually skill-less.

I just think that the dating game

has gotten somewhat toxic.

I don't know, it's going great for me.

Haven't been m*rder*d yet.

Well, the night is young.

[both laugh]

[indistinct chatter]

Tell me about your work, Chef.

Well, I don't want

to flex on you too hard, but, uh

I am the kumquat girl of Flner.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah.

-I'm impressed.

-Mm-hm.

Though I'm not entirely sure

what a kumquat is.

They're like very tiny,

very annoying oranges.

-[Tyler] Ah.

-And I am their leader.

[R&B music playing over speakers]

Yes. Wait.

Flner? Isn't that the fellow

from Top Chef?

Chef Bastien. I'm currently in a battle

to the death to become his new baker,

in the hopes that, one day,

I do actually get to bake.

Well, take no prisoners, kumquat girl.

[laughs]

-Thank you so much.

-[Tyler] Thank you.

[waitress] Of course.

So how are the fish and chips

compared to back home?

Not bad, actually.

Yeah? I've never been to England.

It's amazing.

I'll have to take you.

["Hey Daddy" by Usher playing]

Daddy's home

Home for me

And I know you've been

Waiting for this loving all day

You know your daddy's home

-Daddy's home

-And it's time to play

-It's time to play

-Yeah

So you ain't got to

Give my loving away

[Jill] Mm!

So all my ladies say hey, hey

Hey, daddy--

-[song stops]

-[coughs]

[both moaning softly]

-Okay, you gotta go.

-[exhales]

-You have to go. Get up.

-What?

-Now?

-Yep, right now.

-Okay.

-That's all your stuff. Yep. Come on!

-Was it something that I did?

-Hurry!

-No. Go!

-No problem.

Well, I had a great time.

-Bye.

-Bye.

[exclaims softly]

Come on.

I didn't think I could do it,

but I did it!

-Come on. Call.

-[line dialing]

[automated voice]

Please record your message.

Hello, Izzy.

I would like to tell you something,

that it was very, very, very,

very, very, very close,

but I kept it in my pants,

because my body is a sacred temple,

and my vag*na is a secret garden.

-I I am Jillothene Shaw!

-[dramatic music playing]

Resistor of desires of the flesh,

almighty tamer of sexual demons!

-I am Jill!

-[music crescendos, stops]

[Jill screams]

I left my wallet.

Help.

I promise I barely heard anything.

[Jill] Oh, my God.

[Tyler] I do have one question though.

[Jill whimpers]

What was that about a secret garden?

God damn it.

[Jill exhales sharply]

-[Jill screams on recording]

-[Tyler] I left my wallet.

-No! No, Jill, no!

-[Jill] Oh, my God.

God, lock your door, Jill.

You don't lock your door?

-[Tyler] Promise I barely heard anything.

-Oh, God.

[exhales]

They're probably hooking up right now.

They're definitely hooking up. [laughs]

Well, whatever.

He probably has terrible teeth.

[upbeat music playing]

No text. Hm.

[music fades]

Okay.

Don't be crazy. You're being crazy.

[Tyler on podcast]

Ladies, save yourself the heartache.

If he's not texting you,

he doesn't want to talk to you.

Truth is so important. We all need to get

What?

Check.

[muffled scream]

[yells]

[gentle music playing]

[chuckles]

Good night, Izzy.

[Izzy] Good night, lad.

I love you.

[music fades]

I love you too.

Okay, you know as best man

that you have to give a speech, right?

-[indistinct chatter]

-[Andy and Breeda] He didn't.

-Oh, come on. I knew that.

-[Breeda] No idea.

I knew that.

You guys think so little of me.

We do not. We think very highly of you,

but I should write it.

And after much deliberation

-Yeah?

-we're giving you a plus-one.

-Yes!

-[Breeda] But

You do not get to bring an influencer

whose actual name you do not know.

I knew her name.

-You didn't know her name.

-Not at all.

You're talking about Lu, right?

Lonestar Lu?

-Lonestar Lu was her handle.

-[Andy] Mm-hm.

-Her name was Keilani.

-[mellow music playing over speakers]

I mean, that's just confusing branding.

-Bye.

-Go.

-Beat it.

-Really?

-Yes.

-You can't sit with us.

-You cannot.

-Are you serious?

[Andy] Oh, look, open table.

Just for you.

Okay, fine.

-Fine. I'm walking over here.

-Fine.

-Bye.

-I'll enjoy my tacos alone.

Yeah, enjoy.

[groans]

-You know what your problem is?

-[Wes] Huh?

You're sad-boy deadly.

-Yeah.

-It's your eyes.

Every girl thinks you're a wounded puppy,

and you have no idea how gorgeous you are.

-But you're not sad. He's not sad.

-Mm-mm. No, he's not.

-And he knows exactly how gorgeous he is.

-What?

You think I'm gorgeous, Breeds?

-You think he's gorgeous?

-[cell rings]

-Wait.

-[Breeda] I mean

Now he has two phones to use for evil.

[Breeda] Oh, great.

No. Okay, so this random girl has been

leaving voicemails on my new work cell,

and they're for her sister.

-And they're, like, kinda hilarious.

-[Breeda] Wait.

How does she not know

that her sister changed her number?

-Text her.

-[Wes] I thought I did.

I'm gonna just see what's happening

with the douchecaster real quick.

-Douchecaster?

-Douchecaster?

Guess who's officially being ghosted

by a Hitch wannabe.

[chuckles] I am.

And I am never gonna make baker

because, um, I boned the competition

and now he's out to destroy my life,

which rocks.

Um, so, yeah.

I'm, uh

I'm just calling you to ask

how

am I supposed to do this without you?

[poignant music playing]

We were supposed to die together.

We made a deal.

Like Noah and Allie in The Notebook.

"You're a bird, I'm a bird," you wh*re.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Okay, I'll stop.

You're in a better place.

Probably slurping face with Heath Ledger

as we speak, huh?

But I miss you.

My lad.

Every minute

of every single day.

This party sucks without you.

Call me?

[poignant music continues]

[Wes] Isabelle's dead. They're

They're voicemails for her dead sister.

-What?

-What?

-Oh, my God, that's heartbreaking.

-Uh

You gotta tell her.

-Now you're a sicko.

-No, no, no, do not tell her.

She's healing. This is her way of healing.

[Andy] Just stop listening to her

like a creeper, then.

[Breeda] Yeah, maybe stop

listening to her like a creeper, then.

You tell him you no longer want to invest

in something that isn't going anywhere.

You shut your wh*re mouth when you talk!

-[Jim] Wes.

-Hey! Hey, Jim.

Red River closed?

-Yes, sir.

-Very nice.

What's next?

Hey, is Donovan still slipping

on that San Fran spot?

-[snickers]

-He goes, "Jill, this is exciting."

I sh*t you not,

those were his final words to me.

He has no soul!

I must protect womankind!

Well, guess what?

[chortles]

Love, Not Actually has

a live podcast taping tomorrow!

And I know, if you were here,

I know what you would say.

You would say,

in the immortal words of our queen,

Michelle Obama, esquire,

"When they go low"

-"We go high."

-"we go lower!"

Okay.

["Electric Love" by BRNS playing]

-Candy

-[lively chatter]

She's sweet like candy in my veins

Baby, I'm dying for another taste

[chatter stops]

And every night

My mind is running around her

[clears throat]

Excited for the show.

Thank you.

Oh! I'm so-- Did I step on your foot?

I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-So sorry.

-No, it's okay.

-[chatter resumes]

-I can't let you go now that I got it

And all I need is to be struck

By your electric love

Is that okay?

Perfect.

Baby, your electric--

-[song stops]

-[women screaming and cheering]

[sensual theme music playing]

Thank you all for coming.

Looking gorgeous as ever, I see.

And we're going live.

Hi there.

[cheering]

Well

-What should we talk about, ladies?

-[women laughing]

I am at your disposal.

-Now, who wants to kick us off?

-[mouths] Oh, my God.

Me!

[Tyler] Yes, in the Giants hat.

[Jill] Thank you.

Hey, Tyler. I'm a huge fan.

My favorite episode is the one

about dating with accountability.

[women exclaiming]

It's a good one, right?

But I had a quick question about that.

Accountability, that's only expected

of us lovelorn, pathetic,

desperate ladies, correct?

Fellas get a free pass

to, say, I don't know,

like, hypothetically speaking,

talk about bringing you home to England,

get you naked, vanish out of thin air

without even a text saying,

"I'm alive, but no thank you"?

[woman coughs]

Um, well, uh,

this pod is designed for, uh, women

to navigate the perils

of the dating world.

Oh!

Okay, well, thanks to you, Tyler,

I've come face-to-face

with the perils of the dating world!

[laughs]

Here's my little bit

of "proactive dating advice"

to you ladies.

If it looks like a duck

and it swims like a duck,

it's probably just a bargain-bin,

Hugh Grant f*ck with a podcast.

["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]

-So

-[song stops]

I'm gonna just, um see myself out.

I'll give this to you.

Thank you, excuse me. I'm sorry.

-[song resumes]

-Boys wanna be her

Girls wanna be her

Boys wanna be her

I wanna be her

Well, um

What is testimony without a test?

What is accountability without an account?

I'm sorry. I'm Excuse me.

["Boys Wanna Be Her" continues]

[Tyler] Uh, communication is key.

-Proactive dating isn't about perfection.

-[exhales]

-[Tyler] It's about progress.

-[song fades]

[woman] What?

"If it looks like a duck

and swims like a duck,

it's probably just a Hugh Can't

with a podcast." [whoops]

At first it got very, very quiet,

and then they were like [whoops]

[chuckles, sighs]

Wow.

Another one bites the dust.

Oh, there's this, um,

cute deli at the bus stop

at my bench at Battery Spencer.

I got my salami on sourdough

with spicy mustard.

Mmm-mmm.

[birds twittering]

["Marjorie" by Taylor Swift playing]

You're gonna tell me

that this is dumb, but whatever.

I have this

stupid fantasy that

someone's gonna come and sit down

next to me like I'm Meg Ryan.

And we start talking

about our days and the weather,

which makes no sense,

'cause it's always foggy.

Maybe I offer him half my sandwich

and we lock eyes and it happens.

We just know.

In our bones, like how birds know

when a storm is coming.

How do they do that?

[laughs]

And we can't even play it cool,

because there's nothing cool

about what we feel.

It's desperate and all-consuming

and really scary,

but we're in it together.

That could happen, right?

Says the girl

who can't even get a text back.

[exhales deeply]

I'm sharing this with you, my lad.

-[squawks]

-[gasps]

["Marjorie" continues]

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were listening to me now

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

What died didn't stay dead

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, so alive

Sorry, is this Is this seat taken?

-[song fades]

-[Wes sighs]

It's beautiful.

[ship horns blowing distantly]

[Jill] Mm-hm.

-I'm Wes.

-Hm!

I'm Jill.

Jill.

Nice to meet you, Jill.

Well, enjoy the view.

Uh wait.

Um

I have to tell you something.

You have to tell me something?

Um, I I am here uh, in San Francisco

for, um

for, uh for work,

and I

I just

just get

-I wanted to get a few recs from a local.

-Oh!

Did you just have a stroke?

Do you smell burnt toast?

[both laugh]

Gosh. I don't know.

I'm not a local, by the way.

I've been here a year,

so I guess, technically,

but I have not cracked the code

of this city.

God damn it,

she's a tough nut to crack. Sorry.

Well, what's your favorite thing

to do here?

You're looking at it.

Wow. Then I'm off to a good start, huh?

Jeez. [chuckles]

-What?

-[laughing]

You're rolling in here with all this like

[laughs] What is that?

That is why I have to bid you

good night and good luck.

I'm closed for business.

Not that I even had any business,

or that men

Men are not my business. Zero judgment.

Love and light to the girlies

selling feet pics online.

I tried, but someone said

my toes look like ugly fingers,

so I chop fruit now.

-Should we start over?

-Yes, please.

Okay, I'm Wes.

And, uh

I'm visiting.

I'm Jill.

And I'm boy sober.

Oh, okay.

Nice to meet you.

[Wes] Nice to meet you.

Oh, uh

Do you think

you could just point me

in the direction of some breakfast tacos?

[hopeful music playing]

-It ain't Jos's, but it ain't half-bad.

-What?

-You know Jos's?

-Oh, yeah.

-Jos's is my favorite.

-Jos's is my favorite.

So you really are from Tejas, huh?

-Yes, ma'am.

-[chuckles]

So, could you just give me

like an opening line

or a thesis statement?

You don't need help from a stranger.

These are your best friends.

I'm not sure that I believe

in the whole, uh, marriage thing.

Ah, so let me guess.

[Spanish song playing over speakers]

-Your parents are divorced.

-[both chuckle]

-Very, very astute.

-Am I right?

Yeah, they probably would be

if my mom were still alive.

I am so sorry.

No, it's I was little.

-Sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

-No, it's okay. It's really okay.

[inhales deeply]

You don't want a first line from me.

[laughs nervously]

I've been told that

I suffer from a severe case of TMI.

No great speech started with a filter.

Um

What are their names?

Breeda and Andy.

-Breeda and Andy.

-Mm-hm.

"You have made a believer out of me."

Holy sh*t.

-See? I knew it.

-Well, don't say it if it's not true.

You don't wanna kick off their union

in a bed of lies.

-Cross my heart and hope to die.

-Don't hope that.

I won't. I--

I won't hope that.

-Thank you.

-So, uh, real estate, huh?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Do you have a fancy metal nameplate?

-Why else would I be doing this?

-Living the corporate daddy dream.

Yeah, that's right.

I mean, it has its perks.

But, uh, I got my eye on something.

I'm playing the long game.

What kind of something?

Let's just say, I keep my cards close.

What about you?

What's the dream?

I'm living the "it's a good day if I'm not

being publicly humiliated" dream.

-[Wes laughs]

-[chuckles]

-That can't be the dream!

-Well, dreams are so short-sighted.

When you're a little kid,

you only know three jobs, right?

There's, like, police officer,

school teacher, and chef.

-Mission accomplished.

-Except no.

I'm what they call a "prep cook."

And as Chef says,

we are barely one step

above the janitorial staff and pedophiles.

Sounds like you gotta take

your prep cook skills elsewhere.

-Mm.

-Come on. If you build it, they will come.

-Trust me, I'd love to start my own thing.

-What's stopping you?

I don't know, just any money at all,

or brand reputation,

business plan, house specialty.

Oh, come on, you got a specialty.

Even my mom had a specialty.

-It was cornbread chicken pot pie.

-Oh!

A woman after my own heart.

Do you know the recipe?

No, I wish.

It was legendary.

I mean, people still talk about it.

I wish I, uh I wish I could remember.

I'll bet your taste buds do.

[chuckles softly]

All right, the suspense is k*lling me.

If you could put one thing on your menu,

what would it be?

You think I'm gonna share

my culinary secrets with a stranger?

[Wes chuckles]

I'll tell you what,

I'm here for two weeks.

Why don't we try

to crack this SF nut together?

As fellow Texas expats,

I feel obligated to tell you

that I am girl sober,

so I will not make out with you.

Even if you beg me, I won't do it.

Scout's honor.

["Something Like This" by CIL playing]

[inaudible dialogue]

Something about the day make me

Wanna put it on the line, on the wire

All you need to bring is yourself

Company's all that I require

I'm not naive for needing my baby

So, today, come on over

And play 'cause

I've been patient

I've been waiting

For something like this

Ooh-wee

Like this

-Ooh-wee

-Waiting for something like this

-Ooh-wee

-Waiting for something like

Baby, If you want me

You know where to find me

I'll be ready for you, babe

Taste so sweet, it's like honey

Dripping down my body, babe

I know that this b*tch love

Drive you crazy

So, today

Won't you come out and play, 'cause

I've been patient

I've been waiting

For something like this

-Ooh-wee

-Mmm

Like this

-Ooh-wee

-Waiting for something like

Ooh-wee

Like this

[song ends]

I don't know what happened, Chef.

I rolled it out last night,

and I put it in the fridge.

[Bastien] Apparently not.

-You've set us all back!

-[Jill] We could grate it.

[man] Whoa.

Or

It's I accidentally froze

my butter in culinary school,

and grating it

made the dough even flakier.

-You're still talking?

-[cooks laugh]

What is this? The Alpha Gamma prep girls?

[laughing]

-Right?

-[Arthur] Michelin-star joke, Chef.

[Bastien] "It makes it extra flaky."

[cooks laughing]

Hey.

I never asked for your help.

[Wes] I sold the spot.

-You did?

-Yeah.

What a star! We have to celebrate.

-After you. How was your day?

-[Jill chuckles]

-Uh

-[passengers chattering]

[clears throat] Chef Bastien

was feeling particularly evil.

He didn't use a single 'quat.

He literally poured them out

into the trash can

while maintaining eye contact with me.

It was kumquat carnage.

He's hazing you, Jill.

[sighs]

I don't know if I'm built for this.

What, this Flner gig?

This

This dream.

Ignore me and my existential dread.

[chuckles]

It's your last day,

and I am ready to giggle.

Welcome to Golden Gate Giggles.

[whoops]

I'm your tour guide, Walter,

and we're so glad you chose us,

Golden Gate Giggles.

How about a joke?

Sure.

Why did the hipster refuse

"Why did the hipster refuse

to cross the Golden Gate Bridge?"

[both] Why?

Because it was too mainstream.

Pause for laughs.

[laughs]

-It's my first day today.

-[microphone feedback squeals]

-Crushing it, Walter.

-Let's start out with some funny facts.

Sure.

Ha!

San Francisco is where

they invented blue jeans,

and the electric

-I can't do this.

-You're doing fine.

-Just take a deep breath.

-I quit.

-[driver] You can't. We got 2 hours left.

-[Walter] Let me off!

-Nope. Sit down and take a breath.

-Open the door! [yells]

-[driver] I need this job!

-Open the door!

-Let me off!

-This is why I don't have kids.

Let me off!

[panting]

Hey, boss. We paid for giggles.

-Not my department.

-[passengers groaning]

[woman] We gonna get a refund?

[passengers chattering indistinctly]

What are you doing?

[Wes] Uh

Uh, what's up, guys?

I'm Wes.

So, where's everybody from?

-Uh, other than New Jersey.

-[passengers chuckle]

Look, kid, you gotta sit down. Now.

Uh, I know. I'm sorry. I just

We came for giggles, right?

-Yeah.

-[Wes] Let's get some giggles in here.

Uh, up ahead, we've got

the world-famous

squiggle street.

["San Francisco Blues"

by Peggy Lee playing]

On your right, we have, uh, the house

where Robin Williams brought a donkey

into the party in Mrs. Doubtfire.

[passengers exclaiming]

Go to Fisherman's Wharf

Top of the Mark

Telegraph Hill

Golden Gate Park

Baby, baby, baby

There's so much in this town

[Wes] Out in the bay, you see it?

That is Alcatraz,

the famous prison that is known

for hosting legendary criminals

like Al Capone and, um, Sean Connery.

[passengers laugh]

Okay, look, child, you're gonna have

to sit down now or I will kick you off.

-Last thing. On your left

-[driver] Seriously?

is the delectable Flner.

I don't want to embarrass her,

but we are actually in the presence

of one of San Francisco's

most talented up-and-coming chefs.

She taught Chef Bastien

everything he knows because she--

she is most definitely built for this.

-[driver] Okay, Romeo, show's over.

-[passengers groan]

-I'm going. I just have one more thing.

-I know you are. No, you don't.

-Let's go. And you're done.

-I left my heart

-Off! Uh-huh. All right.

-In San Francisco

I just need to finish!

-[man 1] High on a hill

-Dude!

[all] She calls to me

-Let go!

-When I come home to you

-[driver] All right. Fine.

-San Francisco!

Your golden sun

Will shine

For me

[passengers cheering]

[hopeful music playing]

[music turns dramatic]

I guess the scouts have no honor, huh?

It's a good thing I wasn't a Boy Scout.

-[man 1 whistles]

-[passengers cheering]

[man 2] Yeah, all right!

[passengers cheering and whooping]

Ah, ta-da!

Blue crab and corn fritters

with smoked jalapeo aioli.

-Wow.

-Voil!

-[Wes] This is insane.

-Yay.

[Wes chuckles]

-What?

-Is it good?

Are you kidding me?

Chef Bastien is an idiot.

He is sitting on a gold mine.

How did you even learn how to do this?

Um

["Either Way I Lose" by Meshell

Ndegeocello playing over speakers]

My sister was stuck at home

a lot as a kid.

She was really sick.

And the kitchen was our happy place.

We were like two little mad scientists.

-[laughs]

-[chuckles]

We always thought we were

on the verge of discovering something

the world had never seen.

-[laughs]

-[chuckles]

Either way I lose

Though I know

My sister

Isabelle, she died.

In November. She had cystic fibrosis.

I'm so sorry, Jill.

She was just the love of my life. No big.

-I bet she's proud of you.

-Uh

I was much cooler as a kid.

I peaked at like 12.

[both chuckle]

I would do the craziest sh*t

just to come home with a story for her.

I would've tried crack

if it made her laugh.

And now, I think I might be

a little bit dead inside.

Jill

you couldn't be less dead inside.

What you need to do

is you need to get out there

and try crack.

[laughs]

Come with me

to Breeda and Andy's wedding.

Hm.

Okay. [laughs nervously]

-I'll ask my overlord.

-[snickers]

All right.

Ready for the main course?

There's more?

-I This was already so impressive.

-Come on!

-How could you make more? I don't even

-[laughs]

-Shut up.

-You can't top this.

Okay.

Either way I lose

Is that chicken pot pie?

With cornbread crust.

You made this for me?

Yeah. I mean, I have no idea

if it's anything like your mom's.

It was a full-blown experiment,

but we will see.

All right.

[wistful music playing]

Uh

I'm gonna go Just

I'm gonna prep dessert, okay?

["Cherish You" by Mikky Ekko playing]

Believe it

I need you by my side

Yes, I know you know

Know you know

Know I've been a sinner, baby

I've seen it

I've seen you high and dry

Yes, I know you don't

Know you don't

Know you don't need me to say it

But if anything happens between us

Does everything change?

[pots and pans clanking]

I know you feel it too

I can see it in your face

So tell me now not to get too close

'Cause it always happens

One, two, three, four

How much longer can this go?

Oh, babe, don't break

Every single breath you take

Kills me softly, chills my body

But when we reach the limit

-[song ends]

-[dishes clattering]

-Sorry.

-No. Sorry.

-Yeah I just have to go to the bathroom.

-Okay.

[thuds]

All right. You okay?

-Yep.

-Okay.

-[Wes] Sorry. Uh

-Oh, no. Okay.

Okay.

[inhales, exhales]

Just say it. Just say the words.

Just say it.

Jill. Hey, Jill. I've been

I've been getting your voicemails.

I've been getting

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

[inhales, exhales]

[door opens]

Jill.

Uh

I, um

[sucks through teeth]

No, it's okay.

It's totally okay.

Um

Want to just watch Top Chef?

[woman on TV] I took a date-based ganache.

I shaped it into a small sphere,

and I coated it

in a cocoa-infused beignet dough before

Jill, I've been getting your voicemails.

[man 1 on TV] I like the surprise

in the middle. It's nice.

[man 2] I went with

a bombolone-style donut.

I worked in fresh orange and lemon zest,

fried it off,

and finished it

with a passionfruit cream filling.

-[man 1] The texture's great.

-[Wes sighs]

Heaven help me

My mind changes like the wind

["Waking Up Slow"

by Gabrielle Aplin playing]

Please excuse me

I don't know where to begin

But I didn't think I cared

I could be your friend

But I'm unprepared

Oh, I've never felt like this

I was unaware

That you were lighting flares

Now I'm running scared

Oh, how did it come to this?

You know I've never

Been so lonely on my own

And it shows

'Cause I don't see you like I used to

Now I'm going back

On the things that I know

Oh, all my nights taste like gold

Yeah, when I'm with you

It's like everything glows

And all my days, we can lay low

Yeah, when we're waking up

We're waking up slow

[song fades]

Dessert tacos.

Dessert tacos?

When Izzy was super sick,

they tried to get her to eat,

and she'd throw everything up

except her favorite.

Dessert tacos. And that is my specialty.

Magic: The Gathering.

The card game?

Actually, they're not just cards.

They're actually collectible.

They're really valuable.

But, um, my mom, uh

she would buy them for me,

and she bought me my first pack, and

I just need the Alpha Black Lotus

to complete the Power Nine.

It's one of the rarest cards in the world.

That's what I've been working towards.

Wow.

And I think I may have found one on eBay.

-Really?

-Yeah.

So

I gotta confess,

I was actually gonna ghost you

for not having the full Power Nine.

-[chuckles]

-So now I don't have to.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Okay, wow. Still in the game.

Still in the game.

I'll see you at home.

Yeah.

Safe flight.

Thanks.

[Andy and Breeda laughing]

[Wes] Last breath of freedom

till you're chained for life.

-Hey!

-Yay!

[cell phone ringing]

Oh! We are excited to meet Jill.

-[Breeda] Yeah, we are.

-[ringing stops]

-Oh, no.

-[groans]

I knew it.

What happened, Wes?

Nothing. Nothing.

-We're just hanging out.

-[both groan]

All right, I admit that things

have gotten a little intense.

Intense? You're the one

that flew to another city for this girl.

No, I flew to another city for work.

-Oh, for work.

-Oh, yes, of course.

-It was a work trip.

-Work trip, and--

All I'm saying is once in a while, Wes,

someone comes along

that changes the whole game.

Yeah, don't be so busy scoring

that you miss it.

-[scoffs]

-Wow.

-That was good. So good.

-That was nice.

-[Breeda] Copyright that.

-[Andy] Every single time.

Wait a minute. Wait. You didn't tell us

what happened with the voicemails.

[groans]

-You didn't tell her?

-O.M. God.

I'm going to.

-Liar, liar!

-Guys, look.

Oh, my God, this is like a sick reboot

of You've Got Mail.

Tom Hanks is America's sweetheart!

[in unison] You are not Tom Hanks!

I might slap him.

-Violence is never--

-[Breeda] Slap him.

-[Wes] Hey! Hey!

-Wes, tell her the truth.

-I'm going to.

-Okay? Yes.

-[in unison] Tell her the truth, Wes.

-I will! In person.

I swear on my mom.

-[exhales]

-[indistinct chatter]

[Wes sighs]

-Well, now we can't say anything.

-Yeah.

[playing alluring melody]

[exhales, sniffs]

["Beige" by York Lore playing]

I don't wanna see you smile

I want you in the morning

Before you go performing

Tell me something I don't know

And lead me to the place

Where no one ever goes

You know you're beautiful

But that ain't half the gold treasure

In your soul

What you got? 'Cause I want it all

With your fingers in my mouth

I fail to see your faults

So please don't let me fall

So please don't let me fall

Don't let me fall

Don't let me fall

Don't let me fall

Don't let me fall

-[song fades]

-[glass clinking]

Good evening, everyone. I'm Wes.

[cheering and whooping]

[whoops]

Andy's younger, dreamier cousin.

-Lies.

-[Wes] If not by blood.

Our mothers were best friends.

And Breeda is the older sister

that I never had.

[guests] Aww.

So I tried to warn 'em both

that marriage is Russian roulette, okay?

-Should we go over the divorce rate?

-[all] No.

Okay, suffice it to say,

I wouldn't consider myself a romantic.

[woman] Aw.

[poignant music playing]

But, um

did you know that these two

weren't even supposed to meet?

Andy's alarm randomly didn't go off.

This man has never been late

to anything in his entire life.

And he missed his dentist appointment.

And he loves the dentist.

[guests laughing]

-It's true.

-I do.

They made him wait for an hour,

and he was about to walk out,

when Breeda walked in.

[man] Aww.

[Wes] If that alarm had gone off

when it was supposed to,

these two would never have met,

and we would not be here tonight.

[guests chattering softly]

I don't know about gambling on forever,

but I do know this.

You're proof

that sometimes

life rigs things in our favor.

[poignant music intensifies]

To Breeda and Andy.

Yeah!

You made a believer out of me.

[guests cheering and whistling]

-I am so proud of you.

-Couldn't have done it without you, coach.

[Jill] That was beautiful.

-Your hands are so cold.

-I know. [laughs]

-What?

-[guests chattering]

Wait, let's warm you up.

Jeez.

["Ride the Storm"

by Goldford playing over speakers]

Thanks.

-Can I top you off?

-Yes, please.

Thanks.

-[Andy] There she is.

-Oh, my God! Jill!

Oh, wow. I am so starstruck.

-Oh, my God!

-[all laugh]

We can ride the storm

Can I get one more

and a whiskey on the rocks?

-Yes.

-Thank you for being here. You're so cute.

-Congrats!

-Enjoy. Thank you!

-[Breeda] Oh, my God.

-[Andy] Look who decided to show up!

[line dialing]

[cell phone buzzing]

[dialing and buzzing continue]

We can make it through it all

Go and show us what we really are

[dramatic poignant music playing]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

-Oh, my God, are you okay?

-I'm so sorry.

-Are you all right?

-Sorry.

Jill! Hey, Jill! Jill, wait!

Why is my sister's number

connected to your phone, Wes?

Okay, it's-- It's a crazy story.

I I got a work phone,

and then I inherited

your sister's phone number.

-What are you talking about? How?

-After she died.

But my sister died in November.

So, you've been getting my

voicemails this entire time?

I was going to tell you. I just

Things kept happening.

-And I--

-What did you hear?

Wes, what did you hear?

My bench?

You knew that I was gonna be at my bench.

You knew about Jos's, about my fantasy.

You knew about my sister.

You knew everything?

You knew everything.

-Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.

-Just Jill.

-No. I knew it.

-Jill.

-Hold on.

-I knew that this was too good to be true.

-No, Jill.

-It was too perfect, I was too happy.

And I'm not-- I'm not that lucky.

-I was gonna tell you.

-Take this.

I promise. I

I know how much you loved Isabelle, and--

No, you do not!

You wouldn't know anything about that.

You're right.

I don't.

You deserve someone

that can love you like that, and

I don't know how.

[laughs ruefully]

That's crazy.

So you heard all my voicemails,

and you still don't get it.

Those voicemails

are not a plea to the universe,

"God, send me somebody to love me!"

I don't need a man.

[music fades]

What I need is my little sister back.

[poignant music playing]

[poignant music continues]

[Jill] Wait.

No, no, no, no.

No, that's

[exhales sharply]

[sobs]

[sobbing] Please, no!

[sobbing]

-[music fades]

-[sirens wailing distantly]

[Bastien] Mettez-vous en rang!

Line up!

Prep piggies.

[in unison] Yes, Chef!

The time has come to see which of you,

if any,

has what it takes to bake.

[inhales deeply]

Le souffl.

-I just have a quick question--

-Begin!

[tense music playing]

Vingt et une minutes.

"Twenty-one minutes."

[mouths] f*ck you.

[Bastien] Quatorze minutes.

"Fourteen minutes."

[tense music continues]

No.

Help me, brother. Pears, plums.

Dragon fruit with chocolate?

Chocolate crme? That's boring.

What would you do?

What would you do? [exhales]

[serene music playing]

Fruit

of the gods.

Pistache. Pistache and

Raspberry coulis.

Oh, my God, that's perfect.

[both gasp]

[Arthur] Oh!

Oh, so sorry.

I didn't hear you say "corner,"

Kumquat.

[laughs]

["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]

[laughing]

Okay.

Oh!

To you they crawl, body sprawl

One minute.

Close call, stand tall

Doll, you make them feel so small

What in the world are you doing?

[laughing]

[Bastien] And three, two, one.

-Time!

-[song ends]

Very good. Trs bien.

[suspenseful music playing]

Le moment de vrit.

"The moment of truth."

Hm.

It's everything

you've ever taught me, Chef.

Enjoy.

-You do me great honor.

-[Arthur] Thank you, Chef.

[suspenseful music intensifies]

[inhales, exhales]

Yes.

[Jill] Souffl pancakes

with flamb kumquats,

cream chantilly,

and ground pistachios, Chef.

[suspenseful music continues]

[Bastien] Being a baker

is about precision.

Consistency.

Being a baker is not

about desperate, frantic experimentation.

[laughing]

Congratulations, young man.

-Me?

-[triumphant music plays]

-Me? What?

-[cheering]

[Arthur laughing]

Yes!

Yeah!

[laughing hysterically]

This is a joke, right?

This is a funny little ha-ha,

little hee-hee joke, no?

-No.

-You barely tasted that.

And why might that be?

Maybe because

Uh no.

-It's raw?

-[cooks gasp]

But you knew that, didn't you?

Did you also know

that while you're busy out there,

pretending to be Timothe Chalamet,

he's been sticking pubes in tarts

and butter in freezers?

And you know what? Did you ever consider

that the girl with the dead sister might

be the one who wants to cry during sex?!

So, sugar t*ts, look at me.

I did not leave my home

and my beautiful family

to waste this one wild and precious life

working for the g*dd*mn

Temu Gordon Ramsay.

You finished

fourth on Top Chef!

-It was third!

-[cooks gasp]

And you can drop

the bad Lumire impression

because we all know

that you're from Wisconsin.

And that your name

No!

is Gilbert!

It's actually Gilbert.

[Jill] Who's coming with me?

Who's coming with me?

[Jill breathing heavily]

Happy birthday to me

[garage door opening]

[knocking on door]

-[Jill gasps]

-[both] Surprise!

Oh, my God.

I went full Jilly Maguire.

You told 'em to come with you, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

No one came with you, did they?

No. No, they did not.

[both] Cowards.

Not really. Where are they

supposed to come to?

I have nothing built.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

Maybe this isn't who I am anymore.

And I just need to accept it.

I need to grow up.

It's time to grow up.

It's time to get a job in accounting.

-Honey, you're not good at math.

-So bad.

Maybe I'm good now.

I haven't counted in a long time.

Okay. Um

We, uh, got something for you.

We found it in the garage.

[tender poignant music playing]

[laughs]

I feel like I'm letting her down.

Honey.

You are her hero.

Maybe her hero just wants to go back home.

Well, then your home

will be waiting for you.

Always.

Sweetheart, there's, uh,

something else in there.

[music fades]

[tender poignant music resumes]

What?

What is-- What is this?

Izzy's college fund.

No, I'm not I can't take that.

It's not much, but we know

she'd want you to have it.

You could use it to come back home,

get a new apartment,

maybe a job in accounting.

Or you could use it to give 'em hell.

What would Izzy say?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

["Show Me Love" by Robyn playing]

[chuckles]

Always been

Told that I've got too much pride

Too independent to have you by my side

-[growls]

-But my heart said

-No.

-All of you will see

Just won't live for someone

-Until he lives for me

-[cries] I suck.

Well, now I've found you

-[groans]

-And I'll tell you no lie

This love I've got for you

Oh, my God.

-Now show me love

-Show me love

Show me life

Baby, show me what it's all about

[yelps]

-[growls]

-You're the one that I ever needed

Show me love and what it's all about

All right

Show me love, show me life

All right

Show me love and what it's all about

All right

[song fades]

-[seagulls cawing]

-[ship horn blows distantly]

Hi, sir. Are you interested

in trying one of

Hi.

[lilting music playing]

[thunder crashes]

-Wow.

-Hi.

Hey.

Uh, can we get the Ube All Day nachos?

Yes. [laughs]

-[man] Thank you.

-[music fades]

[gasps, screams]

Oh, my God!

sh*t, it's on fire!

[yelling]

[screaming]

[yelling and screaming continue]

-[extinguisher thuds]

-[man coughing]

[coughing]

[Jill] So sorry.

I can't make your dessert nachos

anymore.

I hate you.

I'm so sorry.

You've taught her to hate.

-[poignant music playing]

-[sobbing]

Stupid.

[knocking on door]

We're closed!

[pounding on door]

I said we're closed!

-Zella, what are you doing here?

-sh*t.

Short circuit?

-I guess.

-[sighs]

Probably overloaded the battery.

Need to beef up the power system.

[exhales]

Why are you pre-making chips?

Everything needs to be served hot.

Well, I don't have time

to make fresh chips every single order.

Seems like you do.

Which brings me to why,

in all that's holy,

are you parked in the Marina?

The Marina's pretty,

and there's lots of joggers and--

Preppy tech bros and Karens

and vegan Alo clones?

Everyone hates the Marina.

The Marina hates itself.

It's basically LA.

Let's pretend this little soft opening

extra soft, flaccid opening

never happened.

We move the truck

to our grand reopening at Hippie Hill.

"We"?

You asked who was with you, right?

Yeah.

[hopeful music playing]

I'm with you, okay?

I'm with you.

Why?

You're good.

And so am I.

And if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.

[both laugh]

-[band playing "Lights"]

-[crowd cheering]

When the lights go down in the city

[crowd whistling]

And the sun shines on the bay

Ooh, I wanna be there in my city

Oh

Oh, oh, oh!

Yeah, yeah!

Oh, oh, ah

When the lights go down in the city

And the sun shines on the bay

Ooh, I wanna be there in my city

Oh

-Oh, oh, oh

-[both cheering and laughing]

Oh, oh, oh

[song fades]

[Mom squealing]

-[Jill] Hi.

-Jill.

-[Dad laughing]

-[Mom] You're home.

Hi, honey.

[man 1] Yeah. Okay, perfect.

[man 2] Okay.

[wistful music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[Wes] Mm.

[music fades]

I ate. I just wanted

to come say hi to you.

-Hi.

-Hi.

How are you?

Will you talk to me?

We never see you anymore.

-Wes, you spend every night at Jos's.

-[sighs]

-She's not at Jos's.

-I know that.

-Do you know that?

-I know that.

I just love Jos's.

No one loves Jos's that much.

Jos doesn't love Jos's that much.

I love Jos's that much.

Jill's doing really well. If it helps.

-She got a food truck.

-How do you know?

Obviously, I follow her on Instagram.

She's adorable.

[sighs]

You don't ever peek?

I think she's had enough

of me peeking into her life.

[sighs]

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hope she got her voicemails back.

What?

[poignant music playing]

She posted about losing

all of her voicemails from Isabelle.

It was a while ago.

She was asking if anyone

knew how to recover them.

[Felix] Voicemails?

-They're encrypted.

-[music fades]

Probably already wiped.

Even if they're not,

you'd have to hack into a telecom server,

which is how you end up on a watch list.

Why don't you try getting your sales

the old-fashioned way, Wes? By selling.

[employees chattering indistinctly]

No, Felix, it's not for a sale, man.

It's for a girl.

And I did everything wrong.

But this feels like one thing

I don't know, maybe the only thing

that I can do right.

[pensive music playing]

Magic: The Gathering?

What do you think I am? A loser?

That, Felix, is an Alpha Edition

Black Lotus card.

That's the most valuable thing I own.

If anyone can do this, it's you.

[music turns poignant]

Wes!

Maybe you should just call her?

No. She wouldn't answer.

Then

leave her a voicemail.

["New Year's Day"

by Taylor Swift playing over speakers]

There's glitter on the floor

After the party

[inhales, exhales deeply]

[line dialing]

Candle wax and Polaroids

On the hardwood floor

[on recording] You've reached Jill,

and you know the drill.

Hey, Jill. Uh, it's Wes.

Been a minute.

Um

I saw your food truck is popping off.

I'm so proud of you.

I If I can say that. Um

I just

I wanted to let you know that,

uh, I got a new work number,

so you can continue to leave voicemails.

Um, I paid for the line

to the end of next year.

And I can extend it longer too.

Um, as long as you want.

And no one will be listening.

Just Izzy.

I want your midnights

You probably have plans tonight, um,

but I was thinking

of ringing in the New Year at Jos's.

You know, who needs a midnight kiss

when you can smash a taco? Am I right?

That, um

Sorry, that sounded better in my head. Uh

[inhales]

I don't even know if you're in town.

So, um

Happy New Year, Jill.

[door opens]

-[sighs]

-[door closes]

-[Andy] Intervention.

-What?

-Intervention!

-What are you--

-You stood us up! Again.

-Mm-hm!

No cousin of mine is spending

New Year's alone, crying to Taylor Swift.

I don't cry to Taylor Swift.

-The whole block can hear!

-They're complaining again.

-Okay, well, I have plans tonight, so

-No more tacos!

Yes, tacos!

I miss the old Wes!

I'm sorry. The old Wes can't come

to the phone right now.

-Why? Oh

-Oh, no. Don't you dare.

-Because he's dead.

-Get your a*s in the shower!

My God, you need a shower.

We are going to the party.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

[both grunting]

Okay. Very mature.

[Wes] No!

[Wes and Andy gasping]

I'm Postmating champagne.

-[Andy] Very nice.

-[Wes] Wait.

Look what you made me do!

[Wes on recording] I was thinking

of ringing in the New Year at Jos's.

You know, who needs a midnight kiss

when you can smash a taco? Am I right?

What?

Thirty minutes.

Whoo!

[both] Whoo.

["To Build A Home"

by The Cinematic Orchestra playing]

What was it about her, Wes?

[music fades]

[people cheering distantly]

She had no filter to speak of.

-[Breeda chuckles softly]

-[chuckles] Hm.

Her cheeks were always full of food,

like a

sexy chipmunk.

[laughs]

And

-Do you guys know what a kumquat is?

-Nope.

A small citrus fruit

native to Southeast Asia.

Yeah.

That was weird.

And her laugh.

["To Build A Home" resumes]

It was, um

Yeah.

I am broken.

And she was the dream.

Have you told her that?

She is home for the holidays.

No, it's too late.

You said it, Breeds,

like, she's not there.

Why would she be? She

I don't deserve that.

Maybe sometimes life rigs things

in our favor.

[music turns hopeful]

[cell phone chiming]

What?

[music intensifies]

[gasps]

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

-[Izzy on recording] Hello?

-[gasps]

Hello? I think I have the wrong number.

I'm trying to reach my big brother, Jill,

who has an interview today.

Maybe you've heard of her?

My brother, Jill, who macked

on Colin Corwin then whupped his a*s.

My brother that is the hottest,

bravest, baddest b*tch on the block.

Condoms wear her for protection.

"Simba, remember who you are."

-That was not my best. [laughs]

-[laughs]

-[Izzy exhales]

-[sobbing softly]

I've got a good feeling

about this one, Jilly.

[sniffles]

It's okay if you're scared.

I'm right there with you.

You feel that?

That's me, brother.

Get out there.

[thunder rumbles distantly]

This is the part where you run, Wes.

["Beautiful Things"

by Benson Boone playing]

-[Andy] Run!

-You have 15 minutes.

-Okay. Run?

-[Breeda] Now. Go.

-I should go?

-[Andy] Yes, go.

Don't take

-Love you.

-Oh, there he goes.

These beautiful things that I've got

Please stay

I want you, I need you, oh, God

Don't take

These beautiful things that I've got

[horn honking]

-Oh, sh*t! Whoa!

-[tires screeching]

[man] Get out of the street!

-These beautiful things that I've got

-[fireworks exploding]

Oh, oh, oh

Ooh

Whoa, oh, oh

Ooh

Please stay

[man speaks in Spanish]

[Wes] Sorry!

Just-- Just looking for somebody.

I'll just be one second.

These beautiful things that I've got

-[song ends]

-[suspenseful music playing]

[music turns tender]

-Hi.

-Wait. Jill. Um

I gotta tell you something.

I love you.

In a very uncool, desperate,

all-consuming kind of way.

But it wasn't from the moment

that I saw you.

It was before then.

And

I'm scared.

And I

I don't really have

the tools for this. But

you make me feel brave.

You make me feel everything.

I know that you don't need a man, Jill.

But I sure as hell need you.

[dramatic ethereal music playing]

That was good. Really good.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

[laughs]

-I feel like Meg Ryan.

-Mm.

Well, then that would make me Tom--

-[speaking Spanish]

-Oh, sorry!

I told you, I said I was leaving. Okay.

-[speaking Spanish]

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Lo siento.

-Thank you.

["New Touch" by Caveboy

playing over speakers]

Hello.

Oh, sorry. Just give me one sec.

I'm gonna go take my break, okay?

-Do it up.

-Okay.

Next.

[families chattering]

[automated voice] Your call

has been forwarded to voicemail.

Hey, Isabelle.

[poignant music playing]

This is Wes.

I wanted to ask for your blessing.

I'm gonna ask Jill to move in with me.

Or here, so

I mean, I guess I'm actually

gonna ask if I can move to her.

Um

I know that I can never replace you, but

I promise to watch

every episode of Top Chef.

Even after I've seen 'em all.

And, yes, I promise to partake

in all the Robyn dance parties.

I am

sorry I never got to meet you.

I always wanted a little sister.

So if there's any way

that you could just, like, give me a sign.

Hey, Izz.

I'll be really quick.

I'll let you get back to margaritas

with Grandpa and Elvis, but I

I just wanted to let you know

that this is my last voicemail.

And I wanted to tell you

not to worry about me, okay?

I'm gonna be all right.

This Wes kid

I think he's a bird like us.

I mean, he can't fry an egg,

and he acts all cool,

but he's actually

a Magic: The Gathering nerd.

[laughs]

And he says that he can't dance.

I I'm working on it.

But yeah, I just wanted to call

and say that

["Dancing on My Own"

playing over speakers]

Oh, my God.

[volume increases]

Oh, my God, Izz, it's our song.

It's Robyn! It's Robyn!

Like a dove with a sign

that says, "Yes, Wes."

-It's Robyn!

-Ooh-- I gotta go.

-[screams] It's Robyn!

-[laughs]

b*tch really loves Robyn.

Oh

I'm right over here

Why can't you see me?

Oh

Well played.

I'm giving it my all

But I'm not the girl

You're takin' home

Ooh

I keep dancing on my own

You ready?

Dancing on my own

So far away, but still so near

The lights go on, the music dies

But you don't see me standing here

I love you, Isabelle.

I just came to say goodbye

I'm in the corner

Watchin' you kiss her

Oh

I'm giving it my all

But I'm not the girl

You're takin' home

Ooh

I keep dancing on my own

I keep dancing on my own

I'm in the corner

Watchin' you kiss her

Oh

I'm right over here

Why can't you see me?

Oh

I'm giving it my all

But I'm not the girl you're takin' home

Ooh

I keep dancing on my own

I keep dancing on my own

I keep dancing on my own

[song fades]

[lively electronic pop music playing]

[music fades]

[poignant music playing]

[wistful music playing]

[ethereal music playing]

[poignant music playing]

[music turns hopeful]

[music fades]