02x04 - The Time Machine

[bunniefuu]

Who will prevail when 3 of TV's friends

tried to bury the hatchet in each other

in a battle between 2 double O sevens?

Which actor will stand tall as the

baddest of the bombs? What will happen

when a heathen?We'll raise our hashes

it out with a poor under fed

peacemaker. You're about to find out if

this skull cracking good time we call

Celebrity Deathmatch. Hello

again, everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez, and

I'm Nick Diamond. And you, ladies and

gentlemen, are in the right place at the

right time. The world's most beloved

celebrities will be in this arena tonight

pinching, poking, prodding and punishing

anyone who dares to stand in their way. I

like the sound of that, Johnny. I thought

you might, Nick. Our fight

is an all female practice tonight.

Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox and Lisa

Kudrow are friends no more.

Sean Connery. Roger Moore.

License to k*ll Ohh Nash.

When you have recently. Very hot head

Genghis Khan takes on renowned peace nick

Mahatma Gandhi Johnny, how in the heck is

it possible to get Mahatma Gandhi and

Genghis Khan in the Death Match ring?

It's a matchup people had talked about

for years but never thought possible,

seeing as how these two gentlemen

departed this world long ago. Well, maybe

we should let our residents. Science

expert answered that and here he is,

the professor of punishment with a

masters in mayhem, Stone Cold Steve

Austin. Well guys, yes you do. Question

lies in this state-of-the-art apparatus,

the celebrity death match time machine.

Stone Cold. That's amazing. Tell the

folks at home how this machine came to

be. I'll be glad to Johnny. I started

with the basic premise that all of God's

creations are all just an accumulation of

matter, bid carbon atoms, diglycerides,

or what have you. Now when I applied this

premise to Ringo's theory of the time

space continuum. Something really friggin

important. A few sleepless nights later,

my time machine is finished. This fight

is on, and that's the bottom line. Hey,

let's say we fire this thing up and meet

our fighters. Hell, you got it, Nick.

OK, now watch what happens when I

enter Mahatma Gandhi into our Time

Machine celebrity search engine.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the

greatest leaders of the modern age,

Mahatma Gandhi.

Incredible. But I thought Candy was bald.

That's not candy, that's a cave woman,

and she's giving Stone Cold a run

for his money. Well, I

don't know what to make of this Johnny,

but Oh my God, Johnny The Cave woman has

escaped. Ohh OK, well we'll give Stone

Cold a few minutes to work the kinks out

of his machine. That's a

fight that would be unfair. Yeah, Johnny,

the latest of friends seem so close on

the show. How could they possibly be

enemies? Well, Nick, I guess you work

with someone year in and year out,

they're bound to get on your nerves, I

guess. I mean, you see someone everyday,

sometimes you can't help but grow to

despise them. It's the same old stories

about their wives or their stupid kids.

Or how they had trouble trimming their

moustaches.

These women will be fighting in an exact

replica of a real sitcom set. You viewers

at home will have the chance to observe

what Friends would be like if these

performers could just be themselves. They

Johnny. I suppose they'd have to call

that must bleed TV.

Come in.

Let's get it on. Ohh Courtney,

I hear you have a big date tonight. What?

No, I don't have a date. You do now with

this espresso maker.

OK, Jennifer, have I shown you my

fabulous new pair of shoes? No, Lisa,

here, take a good look.

Now this is screen. Hey, Lisa, have

I told you about my new recipe?

No. Share it with me. I'd be

happy too. I call it head of

co-star. Stuffed with me. Courtney gives

links a mouthful. Frankly, Johnny, I

prefer my knee medium rare.

Wait, you can't use that? That's against

the rules. Then.



Love Johnny. It's Matt LeBlanc, Matthew

Perry and David Schwimmer. The guys from

Friends have come to cheer on their

coworkers. Love a good cat

fight. Come on, guys, quit horsing

around. I'm deep down. These girls really

like each other. Dude, get out of the

way. You're blocking the bloodshed. Yeah,

dude, it would be better if you're a

window, but you're acting like a door

man. Man, what the hell are you talking

about? Guys, this is serious. If somebody

could get hurt, I think so. Like

you. Make it looks

like we've come to some kind of

crossroads. Each fighter is at the mercy

of the next. They're all going for the

jugular. Literally. I'm sorry, but I just

don't feel comfortable sitting here

making jokes while they try to k*ll each

other. Well, you know these things

recline, don't you? Talk about

comfortable. Did I mention that if they

die, then our show gets. Cancelled, and

the next thing you know, we'll be making

guest appearances on the new Love Boat.

David, we've nominated you to break up

the fight. David Schwimmer

is launched on a mission of peace.

It's like those kids had better clear out

of there.

Those girls are history, Johnny. We had a

goal that they're gore careers. Maybe now

we can just sit on our ***** for the

rest of our lives. At least we'll be

comfortable. David from his rescue

attempt backfires and the lovely ladies

from Friends pay the price. Looks like

they're jobless, Johnny. Not to mention

friendless. At least they. Have their

lucrative movie careers to fall back on.

You should do the next squad game.

Continue.

Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch, folks.

We're still trying to locate The Cave

woman who escaped earlier in the night.

We'll keep you posted on any information

as it comes in. Meanwhile, let's go to

Stone Cold Steve Austin, who's preparing

to conjure up the two fighters in our

main event. Steve. OK, let's go ahead and

call out Genghis Khan. I can't believe

that right here in our humble deathmatch

arena, we're going to have the most

fearsome and mighty barbarian of all

time. All right, here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, I

give you Genghis Khan.

Hi. How are you? Gangus Khan. No kidding.

James Con. There somewhere I can get a

drink around here. What? There you go,

Chief. Keep it running for me. I'll only

be a second. We'll check back in with

Stone Cold later. Right now, it's time

for our second bout. Sean Connery. This

is Roger Moore everyone knows that these

two both played the role of legendary

British secret agent 007 James Bond Sean

Connery came first, then turned the role

over to Roger Moore. Johnny, I can't wait

to see what kind of cool gadgets these

two are going to unleash on each other

OK, you too. I want a good clean fight

and even though you're. Those British

save the politeness and good manners for

your prissy little garden parties, of

course. Very good cue. The name is Lee

Mills Lane. Now let's get it on.

Well, Mr. Moore, so it has come to this.

Indeed it has. You may be bad, Mr.

Connery, but you shall see it is I who

is the baddest. Good

combination there. So you want to play

rough do you old boy? Well, how

about a little car tea to get

things going? Yes, Karate. A smashing

idea of Jeff quite smashing the ancient

art of karate studied by all secret

agents and the actors who play them.

Look Johnny, Sean Connery is going to get

busy on Roger with one of his special

gadgets. What is it? It takes me. Yes, it

looks like a travel size automatic pants

presser. Awesome Johnny. You know I once

caught part of my body in a pants

pressure and I learned the true meaning

of the word pain.

And it looks like Roger Moore is feeling

your pain right now, Nick.

Good show Mr. Connery, but your pants

presser won't deter me, especially since

I have this. Wow. It's the dreaded money

swirl coin sorter.

Jeremy, Mr. Connery, do you prefer your

intestines shaken, stirred or swirl? Oh,

Connor. He's going to have a little

trouble digesting that one. Ingenious,

Mr. Moore. But what do you have

to say to this? What is that?

I recognize the signage. It can only

be an ionizing room. Hair cleanser and

air cleanser. Wow. What does it do?

Well, for one thing, it fights allergens

and other airborne particles. You, Mr.

Moore, are our real octopus. Roger didn't

see that coming, but he's not out

of it yet. Yeah. Look

at yourself, Mr. Connery, you're losing

in Sean. Connery takes a steam

resistant shower vanity shaving mirror

outside his head. John is reeling

from that one, Johnny. Definitely not

its intended use.

Oh, my gosh, that has to be the

coolest gadget I've ever seen. The

electrified orb of mystery. Her Majesty's

Secret Service would be all over that

thing. I don't know what it does, but

I wouldn't want someone chasing me with

it. Well, Mr. Moore, it seems I've

underestimated you. It's about time, Mr.

Connery. After all, I am the

baddest James Bond, you know. Ohh, are

you now? What is that, Nick? Sweet

dreams, Mr. Moore. Ian. Credible Sean

Connery is lulling Roger Moore to sleep

with the sounds of the sea. What

a move. And it looks like it's

working. You had better be careful or

he'll wake up dead.

I am the baddest. I am the

baddest. Bridges

made out of this fight yet, But Sean

Connery is back again. He goes on the

attack with a diamond tipped wet ride.

Motorized nose hair trimmer. Folks. When

nose hairs are plucked unexpectedly, it

can be terribly painful.

Come, let me clip your brain.

Just like swords going through he may

never have balanced hormone levels again.

Never say never, Nick.

What is Sean Connery up to now? He has

brought out the most primitive weapon of

them all aboard with a nail through it.

It ain't high tech, but it's effective

nonetheless. Look, it's the

missing cave woman. What is she doing

now? It looks like Roger Moore is

communicating with her. The Cave woman

appears to have engaged in some kind of

trade with Roger Moore. Now she's got the

electronic orb of mystery. She's

worshipping it as if it were a sacred

object. You mean it's not?

My gosh, Johnny, Roger Moore's got a

giant rock. It looks like that deal he

made with the caveman paid off.

Is out. But

that is fond of them. All right,

Jamal, thank you so very much. Cue



Yeah, I'm his name. But before we get

to our match between Genghis Khan and

Mahatma Gandhi, our good friend Stacey

Cornbread is on her way to congratulate

Roger Moore for dishing up a heaping

helping of hatred to Sean Connery.

Stacey. Mr. Moore, congratulations

on a great OHH. Mr. Moore,

I beg your pardon? Can I

help you? I'm terribly sorry, I

didn't mean to.

Apologize, but if you don't mind, Bunga

and I would rather not be disturbed. Now

where were we, love?

Ohk, OK, ohh. Well, thanks for that

report, Stacey. It's time now for our

big fight of the night, Genghis Khan

versus Mahatma Gandhi. Let's go now to

Stone Cold Steve Austin, who has

hopefully gotten the bugs out of the

celebrity death match time machine. Stone

cold work, damn it, work as worthless.

Crap.

OK, here we go. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, say hello

to Mr. Mahatma Gandhi.

And now I'd like to give a shout out to

my posse. OK, I'm here all the way from

India to see me. Thank you so very much.

Can you believe it? Nick's Stone Cold's

time machine really works. Give that man

a Nobel Prize. Hang on, folks, I ain't

half done yet.

Ladies and gentlemen, you got your eyes

locked on to the meanest son. Hey,

the hell. And the fighters make their

way into the ring for a truly

historic bout in the red corner. 107

lbs of pure peacefulness all the way.

From 1930s New

Delhi, India. Mahatma

Gandhi.

And his opponent? The coolest guy ever

to walk the tough streets of 12th

century Central Europe. Dangerous car.

I'll put ₹100 on Genghis to get things

done here today. You're on, pal. OK,

gentlemen, you're both from the past, but

only one of you has a future. Now

let's get it on.

Wow, look at him go godly, apparently

renouncing his philosophy of nonviolence

or philosophy of w*r. Pass. Here it

is the new telling Devastator. They love

that move. Back in India, Gandhi is

establishing himself as the dominant

force in this fight. So you want

that piece of candy?You think that

Gandhi is a Sissy boy?

Oh my God, he's got the

turnbuckle and he's beating Jacobs

senseless with it. Give Gandhi extra

points for resourcefulness. Ohh, those

spikes, donkey. No biting in the.

OK, I'll allow it.

I thought Gandhi was a vegetarian.

They're technically Johnny knows

cartilage is not meat.

Oh.

Genghis Khans cries for mercy of falling

upon deaf ears and fingers is thrown from

the ring. He better get it together

because Gandhi is right on his tail.

And updating your own time period. Make

that con because Gandhi has a lot of

aggression saved up for you.

Make up this guy. You're a simple Johnny.

Here's a hell of a fighter. It's a great

use of The Time Machine.

I can't believe it. Genghis barely seems

to be putting up a fight.

Ohh, so you had to wait. You had me

have some more fun together. I have a

gift for you. I don't know what's in

those diapers, but they look loaded.

Well, it's saying what probably

accumulated during dozens of long protest

marches through arid regions. And Genghis

Khan is blinded. You better believe that

Genghis Khan wishes he was looting and

pillaging. A small village in Outer

Mongolia right about now. I'm behind you

now. God yes, just toying with him. This

is a fun game we are playing, is

it not? How about technical things for

you?Hey, where did

your pants go?

Ohh my, they're on the floor. Johnny.

This fight is getting ugly. How low can

this go?Look at this

guys going because actually using that

dispatch 3 as a weapon, he goes nice

not annoying you Mr. Card Johnny, this

fight is over, although Gandhi doesn't

seem to think so. And here comes Mills

Lane to declare Gandhi the winner. Do you

want to go a few rounds with both

tie guy?OK, settle down

now, little man. Little man.

You enjoy yourself. How about now? I

tell you, Johnny, God is not making

any friends here tonight. He's got the

fight belt. What the hell is he

doing with you? Scored game.

Everybody got to school livable. Wait,

where are you going? I am not

going to hurt anybody except maybe you.

Probably showing no signs of relenting.

We have a situation on our hands,

folks. IT security in there.

All right. There's just no

stopping this bad man. Don't you ready? I

have saved up a little bit for you,

fat man.

I don't understand it. This is not the

kind gentle pacifist I read about in

Global Studies 101. There must have been

something wrong with that time machine. I

may have the answer right here. According

to my readouts, there was a glitch in the

space-time continuum. Genghis and Gandhi

came through in one piece, but they're

cerebral fluids got swamped. And

at the bottom line is I screwed up.

Well, it takes a real man to admit

when he's made a mistake. I wouldn't hold

it against him, Johnny. We've had some

terrific action here tonight. Absolutely,

Nick. But Gandhi is now making his way

towards the broadcast booth and he still

looks hungry. So on. Half of Celebrity

Deathmatch I'm Danny Gomez, I'm Nick

Diamond And I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Good fight by office Lucky slot.



OK.