02x05 - The Unknown m*rder*r

[bunniefuu]

The king of Larry, the Rivera of

Heraldos. Which ones? The host with the

most of Vampire Slayer. A party of

one girl. It's the Battle of the

Teen Scream Queens. All this and more

tonight on the Liberty. Step back.

Welcome to the show. I'm Johnny Gomez.

And I'm Johnny Gomez. Ohh. My colleague

Nick Diamond should be joining us

momentarily. Our first undercard brings

together 2 talking heads. We'll be trying

to break each other's necks, Larry King

and Haraldo Rivera. And you, the viewer,

will have the chance to participate.

Tonight's live chickens calling just for

a charge of only 995 per minute. You'll

be able to call in during the fight and

offer your feedback live and on the air.

Our main event features two young

actresses who've been attacked by serial

K*llers on the big screen. Tonight on the

little screen, Nev Campbell and Sarah

Michelle Gellar will try to attack. Would

k*ll each other. Knicks have

been here by now. Better send the search

parties out to the local flop houses.

Just kidding. Perhaps this would be a

good time to introduce a vital new member

of our team. As part of our commitment

to bringing you the finest and family

entertainment, please welcome our new

Celebrity Deathmatch mascot. Let's see

the platypus say hello, Slappy.

Daddy, come on Daddy, I want

Mommy. Give me my mommy. It'll

be OK, son. Momma's just at

the store. But Daddy, Mommy's been

at the store now for three

years. Ohh. Well. Show me your

bedtime story. I'm running a little late

for work already son. Story, story,

story, story. Well did I ever tell

you about the time Diane Sawyer pounded

a railroad spike through Barbara Walters

knee? Ohh. You ever talked about is

your job? Tell me a good story,

a Bible story. What? Uh, well, I'm

not sure I know anymore. Story, Bible

story, Bible story. Ohh. OK, here goes.

It was a long time ago, in a

desert far, far away, when Moses was

still trying to book a flight out of

Egypt. But the Pharaoh wouldn't let him

go. He wanted Moses and the other Jews.

To work for free. And so they

decided that there was only one way

to settle it. A battle to the

death. In the blue corner there wasn't

the bearded brutalizer, a son of the

House of Levi, the man with the



And in the red corner, there

stood at the terrorizer of the

ancient Middle East, pyramid builder and

sl*ve master Supreme Ramsey stopped

Barrow. And lo and behold, there

happened to be at the special

guest referee, the Almighty, they all

powerful, the One Most High. OK,

fellows. Now remember, I know what you're

going to do before you even thought of

doing it, so make sure this is a

good, clean fight. All right? Thou shalt

get it out.

Ohh. Pharaoh

of Egypt, let my people

go. You can

kiss my big mummified *****.

And thus Pharaoh started things

off with a bang, but

Moses recovered fairly quickly. Oh,

very well then, prepare to

meet thy doom. I called

down upon thee a plague

of chickenpox.

Jump. I had it when I was a kid.

Fall down upon the Prague

of b*llet holes from an

AK47. Foolish stuff

with the b*llet holes and he gave

for the 7th have not been invented

yet. I did not want to have

to do this, for it is the

most terrible plague of all. I called

down upon the plague of frog.

Yes, the deadliest of plagues, but

it didn't stop the Pharaoh. Yes,

well, I called down upon the

plague of servants jumping on you

from behind.

Oh oh.

Behold the 10 commandments. Thou shalt

not mess with me, and thou

shalt have a crafts go. Hey

thy who talks to burning bushes?

Talk to this red hot pile

driver. And then did the Pharaohs

stop this Moses repeatedly. With the

spleen. Then Moses

did beseech the Pharaoh one

last time to back his

office. This shall be my

final warning, Pharaoh. Let my

people. Thou liveth, Moses. No

choice. Behold the power and

the glory. Oh.

And with the power of the Almighty, Moses

switched Pharaoh right down the middle.

But his plan backfired and it

became his patron 1.

Ohh shouldn't be alive anymore.

Moses parted the.

God, this spinoff found two against

one. I shall allow it. See

you in the afterlife. Yeah, what?

He said.

And the winner is Ohh the

Pharaoh. All right,

right on. Yep. That was one hell

of a fight. Pharaoh crushed Moses like

one big c*ck. Well, I gotta run.

But Daddy's Moses got k*lled. How did

his people get out of Egypt? On

camel, son? They're like a cross between

a hunchback and a horse. No. Who

led them out? Ohh. Well, but the

story's not over. Ohh. Wicked Pharaoh

thought he'd triumph, but there was one

thing he didn't count on Hollywood's

Harrison Ford. Just a

second, Pharrell. Let's fight isn't over

yet. If you don't, movie star, I shall

call down upon you a plague of autograph

seekers. Think

again, cat worshipper.

And Harrison knelt beside the semi

conscious Moses. Don't you go dying

on me. Go to this one,

the foodie Harrison. Anything, lo

anything, you must lead my people

out of Egypt.

Come on people, we've done 40 years of

wandering in the desert to do. Let's get

out of here.

But daddy in the Bible. Enough stories

now, kid. Nick, where

the hell are you? Oops, I gotta

go.

Folks, we'll give Nick Diamond a couple

of more minutes and then we'll just have

to start their first match without it.

There's a lot of excitement in the air

tonight about our main event, which fits

Nev Campbell against Sarah Michelle

Geller, Sisters scream Queens like

Halloween's Jamie Lee Curtis, and I know

what you did last summer. Jennifer Love

Hewitt are expected to be in the audience

tonight. Just arriving in our official

VIP hallway is one of the most popular

Queens of screams, Drew Barrymore. I'm a

big, big fan of this young lady. Let's

go down to Stacey Cornbread who has an

exclusive interview. Thanks, Johnny.

Drew, how do you feel about tonight's?

Main event. Great. I'm way excited. You

know, I'm going to be rooting for both

Nev and Sarah, even though only one of

them can come out alive. Now. Drew,

everybody remembers your role in the

original Scream, in which you were

brutally m*rder*d in the first few

minutes of the movie. What do you think

made it so effective? Well, it was the

unexpectedness of it. You know, no one

thought that I, Drew Barrymore was going

to get k*lled. I mean, that's just not

what happened. So it was very effective

for this.

Stacey, what's going on down there?

Where's Drew?Oh, Oh

my God, Drew's head has been completely

crushed in like a beer can. I

I think she's dead.

Welcome back to celebrity Deathmatch. For

those of you who just joined us, there

was a deeply tragic occurrence here just

before the commercial break. Drew

Barrymore, who first stole America's

heart as little. Dirty and ET was slain

tonight by an unknown individual who is

still loose somewhere in this very and

I'm Nick Diamond we've got a really great

show for you tonight. Our first undercard

brings us two talking heads shut up. This

isn't the time where the place for that

jeez Johnny I'm sorry I'm late. My wife

had to go to the. Or something terrible

has happened. Hey, lighten up, man. I'm

just a few minutes late. It's not like

anybody died or anything. I've. I've just

gotten word from our producer that

despite the tragedy, we should continue

on with the show, Larry King and Araldo

Rivera. Which ones? The true champ of

cable TV talk. We'll find out. Tonight's

Live ******* Taller. That's right. We

call it the Live ******* calling because

you, the viewer, can call in and

talk to our fighters while they kick

asss. Just dial 555 ETH. That's 555

death. Johnny

Gomez here. Hello, Johnny. What's your

favorite scary TV show? Is it the one

where you die on the air while talking

on the phone to a m*rder*r? Who is

this? I'm the one who took out Drew

Barrymore. Boom. It's for you, Nick.

Hello. Listen closely. This is the only

warning. I'm going to give you the next

victim is going to be. What did he

say? Ah, it's those credit card people.

They just don't take no for an answer.

Hey, looks like our fighters are ready in

the red corner with the red suspenders.

An interviewer of presidents, royalty and

the stars of stage and screen.

Mr. Larry King.

In the Blue Corner, TV's Man

of the People, a guy who

can Duke it out with bold

young admirers of National Socialism, Mr.

Hiraldo Rivera. Now, Larry Geraldo,

I know you both like the yap a lot,

but keep it. You're booting to a minimum

and stick to the brutal punishment of

each other's body. Let's get it on.

Our topic tonight, how should I bust

Heraldo's chops? You be the judge,

Sacramento. Hello Larry. Like I'm a first

time caller, longtime viewer, and I'd

like to see you smack Geraldo upside

the head. Thank

you, Sacramento.

Mr. Heraldo, Yes, everybody here at the

pool hall wants to see you kick Larry

King in the fruit basket. I don't know if

I know what that is, but I'll give it a

try. Hey, come

on. All right, Dayton. Go ahead,

Mr. King. How about you break

Heraldo's nose? That make my momma

real happy. Well, I'd sure like

to please your momma.

That's how I help.

What's on your mind? Fayetteville Heraldo

I was wondering if you pulled Larry

Suspenders back far enough and let go,

what would happen?

Where that's all done. You're the mayor

of Madison, WI. You're on the air, Larry.

I'd like to see you take your glasses

off and focus the light to create a

deadly laser beam that will burn through

Heraldo's left hand. Left hand? Well,

that's an old trick, but why the heck?

Not.

Ohh whoa ohh, that move

really got Heraldo smoldering while

he takes a personal moment.

Let's go back to the

phones. Geraldo. Yes, bubble boy,

Bubble boy.

Properly.

Jordan Haldol, what up? Do you have

something to contribute to our discussion

this evening? I would like to see you

unexpectedly dropped King, k*lling him

and thus winning the match.

Just for you honey, you would be better.

Aldo. Ohh y'all Larry, I would like to

see y'all get up from under that deal

desk, grab around or by the throat and

smash his face repeatedly until he is

dead.

I don't think Larry's taking any

more call, ever. And the winner

is Geraldo Rivera.

Wow, those guys really gave the people

what they wanted. Sweet. There seems to

be one more call coming in here. Ronaldo,

what's your favorite scary TV show? Is it

the one where you get to talk to a

real live m*rder*r? Why, yes. Yes, it is.

Hey, you're the k*ller that's on the

loose in the arena tonight, aren't you?

This is great. Can we do an interview

together? I'm too busy right now. Busy.

You're not making a deal to talk to

Grodin, are you? Take a look at the front

row, third seat to the left. Oh my God.

It's Jamie Lee Curtis. Or what's left of

her. The k*ller must have gotten to her

during the fight. This is awful, Nick.

What kind of crazed individual?Would

chill celebrities outside the ring,

Johnny. I can't even begin to comprehend

that kind of savagery. Hey, looks as if

Heraldo has something to say. Thanks,

Nick. Missus Geraldo Rivera with a

special live report from the scene of

what looks to be a serial k*lling spree

in progress. 2 teen scream Queens have

been k*lled. He'll be the next victim.

I was just told that Jennifer Love Hewitt

went to the canned 15 minutes ago and

never came back. I hope to

God that when I open this door, Jennifer

Love Hewitt doesn't fall out.

Another teen scream queen, he'll never

get to star in a sequel. What a

shame. And here is where

the trail of carnage leads. A

dark and ominous root is the m*rder*r

inside. We'll find out right after this.

Up next is our main event, the Battle

of the Teens. Scream Queens, Neb Campbell

versus Sarah Michelle Gellar. But first,

let's check in with Geraldo Rivera, who's

on the trail of a serial k*ller on

the loose inside the arena tonight. Right

now. Thanks Nick. I'm just about to

enter this darkened room which may

contain the serial k*ller. OK, here goes.

Oh my God, this is definitely the

secret layer of the sick and twisted

individual. There's *********** all over

the desk, *********** on the bookshelves.

We're even fighting *********** hidden

under other ***********. Heraldo that

happens to be my office.

Well, I'm afraid I'm getting the signal

to keep things moving, so let's go now

to our main event. It's the battle of

the Teens Scream Queen. After what's been

happening here tonight, there's only two

of them left alive, and those two are

looking to make it one in the red

corner, the reigning champion survivor of

More W Craven. That means in any

other actress, scream queen Neve

Campbell. And in

the blue corner, the up and

coming Challenger, TV's Buffy the Vampire

Slayer, Sarah Michelle Gellar.

OK ladies, the rules are no different for

you than they are for men, because there

are no rules. Now let's get it on.

Huh. A stage. TV's Buffy must have picked

it up from the set of her show.

Usually I only use this on the undead.

Who? Yeah, this way not only will I

k*ll you, but I can make sure that

you don't come back as a blood sucking

freak. Yeah, well, Sarah, you're not the

only one around here. Windows had a fight

with the steak. Wow, a weapon and

the visual pun from Dave Chappelle. Very

clever. Well Johnny, there is a lot

at stake for her here. Not so

clever Nick. I'm

not getting it. The diamond

speaking. Hello Nick, What's your

favorite scary TV show? Do you like it

when the m*rder*r I don't like is people

calling me during the main event?

It's not the m*rder*r. Ohh, I suppose

it was. Why don't you *69 Now

you shut your filthy mouth, Johnny. I

mean trace the murderous phone call back

so we can find out who he

is, right? Good idea.

I can hear the phone, Nick. Where is it

coming from? It sounds like it's

somewhere right beside the ring.

It's him, the hairy dog. He's

the k*ller. Oh my God.

Well, I was expecting a guy in a

hockey mask or a dog with a big

head and sharp teeth, not someone

disguised as a mascot. I hope those young

actresses can handle the disturbed

individual inside that costume. Come on

man, let's take this sick duck and the

girls have teamed up to. Clear up

the cycle Pathic m*rder*r. But wait you

can get platypus customs tail to cool

advantage next by just can't wait to

see who this creep is.

Looks to me like the weight of that

outfit might be slowing them down a bit.

On the contrary, ditch that foam rubber

suit could withstand tremendous

punishment.

And the platypus man is down and

out.

And the winners are Neve Campbell and

TV's Buffet.

Those two really proved to be a couple of

tough chicks, Johnny. They sure did they.

Now all that remains is to find out the

identity of this chiller they have so

thoroughly defeated. Looks like the head

of the costume is stupid. Who could it

possibly be under there? I think they've

almost got it.

Like the k*ller seems to have laid an

egg. Nick, you fool, that's no k*ller.

That's a real platypus. Wow, here's a big

one. Why do you think he was speeding

on those innocent girls? The platypus is

not aggressive by nature, he was merely

acting in self-defense. Me. But if

that platypus didn't make those calls,

who did?

This has been my favorite scary TV show,

especially because no one was smart

enough to catch the k*ller. You see, it's

easy to plant a phone on a platypus.

They just think it's a very hard fish.

As a deathmatch commentator with a degree

in journalism, I demand that you reveal.

Their true identity. Now why would

I want to do that to

Brian? End to this savage nightmare

for Didn't they teach you anything

in that crazy journalism school? Always

plan for a sequel. Until then,

good fight, good night.