02x08 - Celebrity Deathmatch The Motion Picture

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What happens when 2 violent directors put

the focus on k*lling each other? Which

Hollywood leading lady will become a

fleeting lady? And can TV's glorious

shows flatter onto the big screen? Find

out tonight. Only on celebrity death

match. Hello everybody I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond and you ladies

and gentlemen are in for a blockbuster

celebrity deathmatch. Sit back, relax and

enjoy the brutality cause tonight our

show is going Hollywood. You heard right

folks in just a few. And it's

we start filming the first ever

deathmatch movie, Celebrities Savagery 2

extremely good looking hosts. It was only

a matter of time Nick. The TV screen

was just too small to contain this much

mayhem. Yes Nick, the prestigious 8 pick

studios bought the movie rights came up

with a hell of a catchy title. Match

the motion picture and ponied up for an

All Star cast. Hot young starlet Cameron

Diaz will take on holding up well for

her age. Meryl Streep. What talent? These

gals can't wait to act up a storm

in our movie. Let's take a peek

backstage. QQQ.

Sasa, sasa, sasa.

So which do you think goes better with

blood mouth or fuchsia? Wow, we they sure

look pumped. This is going to be the feel

bad picture of the summer and you lucky

viewers have a once in a lifetime front

row seat as we make magic happen. Plus

you'll get to see the screen debut of two

promising actors named Johnny Gomez. And

Nick Diamond, I'm ready for my close up

Johnny. Well, have your people call my

people. OK, let's do lunch.

But seriously, Johnny, you think that?

Let me do my own makeup. Not now, Nick.

We've got one last piece of business to

take care of before we start filming. Who

will direct? It's a question we're gonna

answer the deathmatch way. 2 of

Hollywood's most violent visionaries will

do battle for the privilege of having

their name attached to death match the

motion picture. All over a stone. A

true Craftsman of cruelty. Marty

Scorsese, the Titan of t*rture. This one

could go either way, Nick. Well,

whichever way it goes, it'll look

spectacular. That's right, Johnny. The

only thing these guys enjoy more than

crushing skulls is the art of cinema.

So in a death match. First, they've

brought their own camera crews to film

tonight's bout. I smell an MTV Movie

Award. Yeah. Darn turtle. And now it

looks like our fighters have entered the

ring. Ladies and gentlemen, in the blue

corner from the mean streets of lower

Manhattan, the Raging Bull himself,

Martin Scorsese. In

the red corner, the

original natural Born k*ller,

Oliver Stone.

Stone score. See I want a good clean

fight and keep it under 3 hours. Now

let's get it on.

I'm going to leave your sorry ***** on

the cutting room floor. Ohh, really?

Let's see a best shot. Here's my vision.

Your brains splattered all over the net.

OK fellas. Lice camera asskicking.

Boy, that was some fancy camera work

talk about. Cinematic pyrotechnics. He's

an old tour of atrocity, but looks like

someone's not so impressed. An amateur

chef at Stone. The narrative structure

was flimsy and yourself indulgent. Use of

montage was adolescent at best. I see

your point. Maybe we need another take.

The hurt on Scorsese now wait, it

looks like he's got something else on

his mind. I'll

eat dinner, just let me get this

last shot. Smile, dad. I'm making my

first movie. Movies are for commies, boy.

Daddy's bad choice, Stone. There's a time

and a place for an emotional flashback

scene, and this ain't one of them.

Dream sequence backfired and Scorsese

takes control of this fight. He's

breaking out some classic moves from

his archives. That was the Raging

Bull headbutt the Goodfellow rub out.

There's the taxi pile driver. Time out.

This is a setup. I know for a

fact that move involved a second pile

driver. Shut your cake, cold stone. Time

to take you to film school. Roll camera.

Scorsese proves once again he's a

virtuoso of violence. I'm busy with

respect for this man. That 360 had a

merciless subtext prepared to fade out

for good stone. OK guys, I'm going to

need a lower 1K and a 50mm lens.

What a ruthless emotional arch Scorsese.

He's really breaking new ground. Not

to mention bones.

So here I am, I'm kicking Oliver Stones

***** but the strange thing is all I can

think about is my Aunt Maria's linguine

Bolognese Scorsese scores again and

inspired use of the viewfinder. Nick, I'm

still kicking all their ***** but now I'm

thinking, you know, a couple of cannolis

with nice with that maybe a cappuccino

and. This is your freeze frame, not

mine. And stone breaks

out of that freeze frame.

There's something you should know about

me, Marty. I always demand final cut.

A riveting Daniel Mark. I guess we know

who's the most ruthless director in

Hollywood. I can't wait to see what he

does with Deathmatch The Motion Picture.

And the winner is not So fast, so

I got to set up this final shot.

It'll blow your mind. Fade

up the music.

Send in the chopper.

Two expl*si*n.

Now, you morons, I set explosions.

Give me the gasoline box.

My God, what an ending. Talk about

blood from a stone. You can roll

the credits on that guy's life, Nick,

you ignorant fool. Now we don't have

anyone to direct death match the motion

picture. We're screwed.

Ohh.

Welcome back, movie fans, to

deathmatch the motion Picture. I'm

Nick Diamond, and it's the

studio. But yes, Sir, I

understand. Ciao to you too. Damn

suits. What did they say? What did they

say? What do you think they said? We've

got 12 minutes to find a director or they

pull the plug, but they can't. I lost 10

lbs for this road trip on yourself man.

While Nick and I tracked down a

replacement. Here's a classic from the

vault. Historic Hollywood heavyweights,

go to w*r for your viewing pleasure.

Welcome back to the Celebrity Deathmatch

variety hour, sponsored by Alcoa Mussel

Bicarbonate soda. That warm up act was

the cat's pajamas, Johnny. You betcha

those plates Spinning bears were

sensational. Yes, Sir, but you know

what's not sensational? My stomach. I

know red meat is good for the heart,

but I think that. It gave

me indigestion. Well, Nick tries some of

this new alchemical.

Terrific. I'm ready for another healthy

deep fried steak. It'll have to wait

because right now it's time for our

main event. John Wayne Dukes it out

with Groucho Marx. The trouble started at

New York Swank Store Club. Seems funny,

man. Groucho tried to pull some footing.

Business with Mr. Wayne's lady

friend and now they're ready

to settle the score. Death

match style. Introducing the vicious

Ford billion. The mustachioed menace.

Groucho Marx.

Ohh, my little cabbage. You

know a man's only as

old as the woman he

feels. And his opponent, the

clobbering cowboy. The fastest fists

in the West, Mr. John

Wayne, Right? Wait here, Diablo.

This won't take long.

All right, boys, I want a good, clean

fight. So here's a sponge and some soap.

That's another monkey business, Mr. Now I

want a good, clean fight, so let's get

it on. Played Marks. This

ring ain't big enough for the both of

us. Pick a card, my good man.

What the hell they all want me to

do with this? Keep it, I've got 51

more. That Groucho is quite a card

himself. Here's a

punch line for you, a funny man.

Hello, handsome. I didn't know you

cared. Act like a man Pilgrim.

That oughta teach at a mess

with another man's gal. The Duke

is mighty honorary, Johnny. It could

be high noon for Groucho.

Any calls while I was gone? Ohh.

Don't like to make threats, but there'll

be a letter about this in the Times

tomorrow, you yell, a little city slicker

who's laughing now. I don't

think it's time they're calling in the

cavalry.

Well, if it isn't Groucho's

irrepressible brother Harpo, he's silent

but deadly. Johnny. Hey, you

want a pound and two,

partner?

That Harper's are real cut up. Get away

from me, you fruitcake.

Umm. His zany hijinks really

seemed to have caught the

Duke off guard. That chairs

it. I've had enough of

your disrespect. We're going to

settle this once and for

all, Draw.

Why, you little ******* that's Mr.

******* to you. Well, they can't

all be hilarious.

Good cheer. Pause off my pistols. Goalie

locks. Looks like the Duke has had it

up to here with these two. I wouldn't

want to be in their shoes. I don't

know, Johnny. Seems to me he's just no

match for their devastatingly cruel

shenanigans. The Duke

is down. I always knew you were a

pushover. I've got a

good mind to join a club and beat you

about the head with it. Bless you my

child. Why you? Why?

The Duke is down and possibly

out.

Amazing turn of events. John Wayne is

back in the saddle.

The Duke is looking to tie up a few loose

ends. That's not fair.

Well now look who stopped by Chico Marks.

Ladies and gentlemen, what do you think

of this incredible display of violence?

Ohh, you're one of my audience. I gotta

your violence right here.

So long, dummy. I'm gonna open a

cantina. Whoop. Pass on you, Did you

say? Whoop asks. Well, what's it to

you? Why, that's the secret way. Hey.

Alan's testy reflexes, ooh Groucho's

doing his crowd pleasing Dr.

routine. I may need some

medical attention myself, My side

just letting now, God.

Either he's dead or my watch is stopped.

What an upset. John Wayne has been sent

to the big corral in the sky. So

long to a Great American. We're going to

miss you, Duke. And the winner is Mucho.

Why your little scam of course.

I'll remember with you. Let me

go.

Vintage violence from the vault. Nothing

better. If we look happier than last time

you saw us, folks, it's because we found

our director. He's fresh, he's hungry,

and I think you might just be familiar

with his work. So nuke yourself a bowl.

Popcorn and we'll be right back as

Meryl Streep and Cameron Diaz deliver

some deadly dialogue in our main event,

coming soon to a TV set near

you.

Hello everyone. You're watching Celebrity

Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez and

I'm Nick at LINE Please.

The right, right and I'm Ned Diamond

cut.

Hello, folks. We've just shot the first

scene of celebrity death Match The Motion

Picture, and who's coming over to

congratulate us but Mills Lane, our

talented director. I'm going to direct my

foot up your backside if you don't

start remembering your damn line,

Captain. Yes. Call him Cecil B De Mills.

After a nationwide search, we finally

found the perfect director for this movie

right under our noses. And what a bang

up job he did with that opening scene.

True, but he did have a lot to

work with. I think we've got some screen

chemistry. Nick Mills Lane, tell us about

the directorial. Choices you'll make in

this movie. Don't give me none of your

sass, Diamond. I don't have any damn

choice. You begged me to take this job.

Umm. Folks, we're

just about ready to start filming the

fight itself. Our actresses are in place.

Triple wow. The kids showed a love

that Cameron Diaz easy on the eyes.

Meryl Streep, the consummate

professional. Her death scene is going to

be a 5 hanky affair. She dies.

It's in the script, Nick. I know

that.

Feed one, take one, ladies. Let's get

it on. Hey, Cameron, there's something

about my fist in your face. Ouch.

What the hell was that? Damn it.

I said punch her, not give her

a Swedish massage. It's just that I'm

confused about. The character. What's my

motivation? Your motivation is. I said

get it on. That's your damn

motivation. Roll them. Let's see. There's

something about my fist in your

face. Cut St. This is death

match, not love match. Maybe it

would help if I visualized. My

character living on a farm in Africa.

I could even do some. Ever. Just

get it out. There's something about my

fist in your No, No. There's something

about my fist in your face. No,

there's something about my fist in your

face. Cut, cut. Not great, but it

will do. Let's keep it moving. That

was, like, so incredible, Meryl. It felt

so real. OK, same to you. This

is where Diaz. There's a power driver

on the street. Now get it on.

Defend your life, Vitch.

Ohh, nice Brooke, little lady. That's

what I'm talking about. What a

scene, Johnny. This could be Mills.

Citizen Kane. OK, people, next shot

St. stops on Diaz's head. Mr.

Lane, would you care for some

mineral water? Don't mind if I

do. Let's get it on. Test

me. Boot leather bench cut. What the

hell was that? I'm still trying to

find this character. I I thought she

would work better with an Irish accent.

Well, you thought wrong, of course. Maybe

she'd be more believable as a Bulgarian.

Taste my boot leather. It's just

Speak America 1 mineral water. Mr. Lane,

you'd better. How about a Caesar salad

with that Erickson taste? My boot leather

Bishop. Ohh,

Merrill, ohh. I'm sorry, I was

really in the moment.

Take this back, I want the dressing on

the side, damn it. And while you're at

it, fluff my pillow. Is my hair OK?

OK, Diaz here. You do a back

slam on Merrill rules, Phil.

I'll tell you one true

thing. You're going down. Oh,

oh, oh. There's a truer

thing. You are a cheap shore and I

vow to mess you up. That line isn't

in the script, Nick, but it's a brilliant

ad Lib. Looks like she's finally getting

into Character Street now. You bashed's

head in the turnbuckle. Tell my

aromatherapist I need to see him tomorrow

AM. And this is

the turnbuckle. Turnbuckle. This

is Cameron Court.

Die you little casting couch skunk. Ohh

I think this seems like over. Like

I think you could use a cup

of shut the hell up.

Here's Meryl Streep's advertising has

gotten a bit out of control.

She's too into character. Mills better

get this fight back on script.

Mills. Mills I don't know it

takes. Mr. Lane,

this is all wrong. Cameron's supposed to

k*ll Meryl. Silence Mills did not have

time for these silly details. Mills has

a meeting at DreamWorks.

I know you're really passionate about

this project, but there is just death

becomes you, bimbo.

Ohh.

Nick, this is wrong. So

very wrong. Merrill can't win.

Cameron's the one the MTV

kids want to see. The

studios gonna be mad. Yes,

Sir. Ohh. Yeah. Huh. It

showed to you too, Sir.

What do you know?They loved

it. They said the death scene had a

gritting realism, but I thought Meryl

skewed too old. How they're going to

bring in the kids? Not to worry, Nick.

That's why they make the big bucks.

They'll figure something out. All

right, throw out the latest cut of that

celebrity. What's it called?

Hey there, I'm I'm Nick Diamond. That was

one awesome celebrity death match. I

dude, you said it, bro. But now we're out

of time. I'm Johnny Gomez saying good

fight, good night.

Coming up next week, Belle

Gibson versus Paul Hogan, Antonio

Banderas versus Cheech Baron, and

Fabio versus Bono versus Yoko

Ono when Celebrity Deathmatch continues.