02x09 - Cable Day

[bunniefuu]

Who thought?Obviously 3

kilos on except.

Side whichever.

Steve Jackson dirty.

Great position is about policy.

Nobody. Ohh man

I'm Nick Diamond and you ladies and

gentlemen are in for a special treat

caused tonight. Celebrity deathmatch

presents the clash of the non network

stars. First up, a fatal food fight. Take

one spicy chef named Emeril lagasse, add

a pair of colorful British imports known

as the two fat ladies and you've got.

The recipe for ruination and Zetia.

That's one of the MTV rock'n'roll number.

ZJ.

You have both of that says he can't buy

says he can't he's.

Show. Ready in there?

Negative. Step outside.

But I was Alex Trebek.

So let's get down to the bloody.

Before we do, Nick, I've got a little

surprise. The producers have informed me

that in honor of tonight's theme, they've

dug up some footage of you in your

early cable days. Nobody wants to see

that old stuff, Johnny. Sure they do.

Roll tape. This is Nick Diamantopoulos

for The Weather Network hurricane.

Devastating the greater tri-county area.

Even as we speak, residents are being

asked to evacuate their homes. But this

reporter will be right here at his

post for the duration.

Ouch, snitch, can we move on please?

Write a hair raising experience. Move on

please. Well, we've got some severe

conditions brewing right here in the

arena. ***** ** your dribble bibs folks

cause you're about to witness death

matches cook off of.

Cable's hottest chefs are going to serve

up a cutthroat cooking competition. And

here come our food fighters from

Massachusetts by way of Nawlins, the

Ragin Cajun, Emerald Legassie, who's the

host of the top rated cooking show

on the Food Network. And he's on

a crusade to pulverize. Some hot

competition from across the pond? Yes,

direct from the United Kingdom, it's the

two fat ladies. These heavyweight

contenders have got a huge cult following

and their fan base is growing as fast

as their waistlines. But they crave

Lagasse's ratings more than an 18 inch

kielbasa. Sure looks like there's mayhem

on the menu. And as always, Mills

Lane will be rendering the verdict

against Fat Lady. Here's the deal. You

each make your favorite recipe. I'll

taste them and decide which creation is

superior. Now let's get cooking. Hey,

food fans, is everybody hungry?

I thought we start out with some horse

derves. How about some delicious finger

sandwiches? Give me a hand ball.

Now the important thing to remember about

finger sandwiches is the ingredients

should always be fresh.

Wow Nick it's turning into quite a

callous click off. If this is a taste of

things to come, we're in for a hell of

a match. Amarosa gourmet with an emphasis

on gore Matt, you got to chop up acute.

Be careful kids knives the shop and that

students will happen. We wouldn't want

anyone to get. Now would we?

I don't know about you, Johnny, but my

mouth is watering. And

while our food fans are

classy Canopy, ohh, I'd like

one really funny dad Mills

sampling the first fruits of

this fight needs some.

Next that's mislead. Would prefer

a little concoction.

Tell the viewers about this tasty

treat. Gladly, it's similar to an

eggnog. Except we call

it a leg. No, that is

what true c*ck. Boy are my

taste buds tingling. Mills is 1.

Lucky man. Nick, you're drooling on

my suit. Umm,

nice and frothy now a

dab of heavy cream. None

of this low fat yogurt

nonsense, Jenny. You

didn't see that?

Folks, you may want to jot this

recipe down. It's perfect for any holiday

gathering. And to top it off, we

need some nutmeg. Nutmeg. Good thought.

I'll crush some myself.

Sprinkle, sprinkle right here, then press

it Once again. Mills Lanes discriminating

palette will decide the verdict.

Need 5 check? Those fat ladies will have

to do better than that to win this

cook off. Nice

try ladies. Let me show you how it's

done. First, let me kick your fat *****

up a notch, man.

OK, I'm going to make a

delectable delicacy, a dish from your

native England kidney pie.

When you get out, my handy dandy

kidney cutter cuts through fat like

butter. Somebody better get a dialysis

machine in here, stat.

I haven't had that since I was a little

fat girl, Clarissa. Ohh, sorry dear. A

few onions, about 40 cloves of garlic

gets. They get the potatoes, darling.

Hey, you don't like it, Go back where you

came from. And put

in a lot of extra spicy essence to kick

it up. The match is unknown.

Now normally this will go in the oven

for 45 minutes. Well,

since we don't have time, I gotta

finish kidney pie right here. That makes

me happy. Happy Emeralds seems

satisfying, but what will Mills think of

the kidney pie?

Easter basket. Ohh, yes honey. Now

Clarissa, what say we on there?

Our final calls.

Prepare your palette for a

culinary delight extraordinaire.

First take one every to chef, then

take 3 quarts of lard. Some people

use bread crumbs but I just love

that. Here

it is that you didn't

see that.

Oh, Oh yeah, Emeril's getting the

stuffing knocked out of him. I think you

mean into him.

This recipe also requires one can of

Wapas. You're doing

it all wrong. First you gotta simmer the

whoop ***** till it kind of reduces. Ohh

man. Anyway, I almost forgot 1 cup of

shut the hell up. Now we place our

delicious dish in the oven for three

hours at 400°, but since we don't have

the time to wait. Got a

finished one? Ready to eat? A

succulent rump roast of emerald

Unprecedented Johnny. I think we can

say that Emeril Lagasse's goose has

been cooked. Now it's all up

to the most discriminating taste buds

and the deathmatch business Mr. Mills

Lane needs. Absolutely nothing, say

magnifique and exquisite blending of

blood and guts. The winners are

the 2 Fat Ladies.

Now where's the catch? What a tasty

finish to our death match. Cook off.

After the break, we find out that

the letters MTV stand for more television

violence has VJ's Jesse Camp and Matt

Pinfield go mano Amano. Plus, we'll have

more outrageous footage from somebody

else. Was early days in the cable

business and that is that.

Welcome back fight fans. If you're just

joining us, we're deep into our first

ever clash of the non network stars. 500

channels, 500 ways to die. Get out your

fabric softener folks, because we're

going to air some dirty laundry. Seems 2

of MTV's most beloved. DJ's would like to

take each other out of rotation for good.

Matt Pinfield versus Jesse Kemp. It all

started last year at the MTV Music Video

Awards. Let's take a look at what

happened. Hi, I'm Cables.

Johnny Gomez. You may know me as

the host of Fragrant Flowers on the

Gardening Channel. What you don't know is

that I suffer from ANEL warts. Or

at least I used to until I

discovered rectal line. No more rectal

bleeding, no more unsightly stains.

Rectally neutralizes. On contact

order now and receive this

convenient inflatable ***** ring for

just 1995. Our operators are

sitting by. Where'd you get

that damn tape, Diamond? Your career

really bottomed out there. Hey, Johnny,

I'll deal with you later, folks. That

unfortunate medical condition cleared up

a long time ago. And how does it

feel when you're the **** of the joke?

Johnny, let's just get to the video. I'm

here backstage with Monica. Leading

female voices in hip hop today. Ohh.

Monica, how about telling the viewers at

home what it was like? What are you

talking about, camp? Yeah, I'm talking

about getting jiggly in the Oval Office

and all the rest of that. Hey, how

come you're not wearing the blue dress?

That's Monica Lewinsky, Bonehead.

Whatever. It's rock'n'roll. Ohh rock out

man. Shut up you gangly

moron. Ohh Hey fellas, save

it for death match.

I like the way that gal thinks,

As do I, Johnny. So with no

further delay, let's go to the deathmatch

ring in the red corner. The Throne

Dome k*ller, the Beast of the Buzzbin.

Matt Pinfield. And

in the blue corner, the bell

bottom bruiser, the spaced out Savage

Jesse Camp.

Pinfield care. I want a good clean fight

and no cutting to Foxy Brown videos in

the middle. Let's get it on.

Look at this crowd dude, I didn't know

I had so many fans. Rock'n'roll. I'd like

to start out with an awesome cut from

my new album.

My name is Jesse and

I'm OBGYN. You suck. You're

a disgrace to the entire

VJ profession. My name is

Jesse and I'm infielders pisssed.

Listens to that Johnny. It's

a ghost town between those

ears. No one messes

with my Rock'n'roll. I'm going to

take you down Penfield, then it's

back to Rock'n'roll.

Ohh man. You



was called 120 minutes. Ohh. Well

here's the move I learned when

I was living on the streets.

You went to prep school in

Connecticut. You. You're lying. *******.

Whatever, man. I'm here to rock'n'roll.

My name is Jesse. It out

OK? My name is.

Your weekend. OK, it's time for

the countdown. Here they are, folks.

The top five requested death match

moves coming at a #5 the

Radiohead Crusher. Now for #4 up

from #12 last week, the third

eye blinder.

Next up at #3 the Rolling

Stone Cold stunner.

There's no stopping Penfield now, and

in the number two slot, the

very popular Mariah Carey.

Which leads us to the number one

requested deathmatch move, the Backstreet

Boys Backbreaker.



I got you now, Penfield. My name ain't

Penfield, you idiot. I'm gonna be here,

Bob. Head to a bloody pulp. I'm warning

you, son. Cease and desist at once. Ohh.

You're the one who's going to cease to

desist that good boy. I'm taking you out.

A brutal move from Mills. Jessie is

down. Can you hear me, Sir? Can

you go home?

Umm.

It's worse than I thought. I can't bear

to see a man suffer like this.

Maybe.

You k*lled them. Had to do it.

Poor boy was a vegetable. You heard

how he was jabbering on Mr. Lane.

That's the way he always talks. Ohh

damn. Holy moly. What an ending. That's

the first time Mills Lane has k*lled

a man in the ring. Nick in

the ring. Second, Johnny, there appears

to be some commotion in the corner.

Where? Where? Right there. I don't see

anything. Little *****

ring just 1995 with any purchase

of rectilinear ice cream. Give me

that. So that condition cleared up

a long time ago, huh? Johnny

Rotten held diamond.

Welcome back viewers to celebrity death

matches. Clash of the non network stars.

Tonight we're toasting the violent world

of cable and syndicated game shows.

Ready for another deathmatch? First, in

honor of our final two fighters,

we've created our very own deathmatch

game show. It's a wild and

woolly combination of luck, knowledge,

and extreme violence.

Let's meet our contestants. Tell us about

yourself, Alex. Hi, Johnny. My name is

Alex Trebek, host of a little game show

called Jeopardy. I enjoy French

poetry, meditation and pretending I know

all the answers on my show. Thanks, Alex.

And how about you, Pat? I'm Pat Sajak,

host of Wheel of Fortune.

I enjoy painting, making models of

covered bridges, and kicking Alex

Trebek's I'm gonna mess you up, Mensa

man. Simmer down, pat. I know this is

your first time as a contestant, but save

that energy for the game. I want a

good, clean game show. Now let's get it

on. Respond correctly, contestants and.

Earned the right to spin the wheel.

Alex, you won the toss, so you

select first. I'll take gardening for



gardening for 1000.

This was not in my contract.

Hit the damn block, ladies and

gentlemen. Nick Diamond. By the way,

Nick, nice rack.

What is the preferred use for a

garden hoe? The answer is turning over

soil. Ohh, I'm sorry, Alex, that's

incorrect. Pat, do you have a guess?

I'm going to go with disembowelment.

Correct. Nice work. Now you've heard the

right to spin.

Yeah. Boy.

Ohh. Why

you stupid philistine? OK Pat, select

a category. I'll take rhetoric for



What is the best way

to win an argument? The

answer is found logic. Ohh,

I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Pat.

How about decapitate your opponent?

Correct. Spin away Pat. Come

on ****** clamp. Come on,

****** clamp. Ohk OK, give

me the branding iron. Ohh you

are show you for a game

show Hope pet select again. I'll

take begins with B for 5000

Johnny. All right contestants since

chance of a lifetime. This is

your opportunity to double your winnings.

Or else everybody ready? The

question is what sport is

often called America's pastime.

This time I got it. What is bludgeoning a

man with a tire iron? Ohh. I'm sorry.

What? That's wrong. Actually, it's

correct, Alex. But you phrased your

answer in the form of a question. We

don't do that here. We'll have to say

goodbye to you now. But we do have some

deadly parting gifts. Show Alex to the

permanent isolation. No, no, please

no. Not that Alex will be whisked

away to the great unknown in this

customized death chamber. Courtesy of

Fatele Products of Beverly Hills Homeboy.

Congratulations, Pat Cuba advanced to the

final round. If you want to quit

now, you can use your 8000 death

points to purchase this fabulous grand

prize. It's the latest in fact checked

fashion stylish contemporary. And, handy

for repelling t*rror1st attacks, hits the

dazzling Flack Away protective jacket by

Schwarzkopf's of Beverly Hills. Why don't

we watch a demonstration? You're going to

pay for this, Gomez.

Get up Mitch, break times over Pat.

You can also risk it all and

triple your winnings with the puzzle of

punishment.

Go for the puzzle.

Give me that puzzle,

Johnny. OK Pat, you

may select 7 letters

to complete this phrase.

I'll take STAJKINP.

I'd like to solve Pat

Sajak win. Ohh I'm sorry

Pat, we were looking for

Pat Sajak dies.

No.

Transportation for our guest furnished by

DOA Horses of Beverly Hills. Another

amazing finish to celebrity death match.

The best and the brutalist TV there

is. Until next time, I'm Jenny Gomez.

Good fight, good night folks. Give the

viewers at home a kiss, Nick. Not

so fast, my friend. Remember a

certain bachelor party about 10 years

ago? Not that bachelor party. You

wouldn't roll the tape.

OK, which one of your boys is going

first? Come to Papa baby.

Damn it, it was working a minute

ago. Are there any real men here?

You always were old ladies, man,

Johnny. Well, I'm Nick Diamond. Ohh.

Goodnight.



OK.