02x10 - 4th of July Celebration

[bunniefuu]

Bill Clinton gives a hanging judge the

star treatment. America's poster boy

tries to put the big hurt on everyone's

least favorite foreign leader and

pugnacious president from the past battle

for boasting rights as the best. All

tonight on a special All American







Hello, patriotic Americans. I'm Johnny

Gomez, and I love this damn country. I'm

Nick Diamond and I love her even more.

It's our 4th of July spectacular here at

Celebrity Deathmatch, and you know what

that means? Lots of flag. Giving,

breastfeeding, and most of all, violent

patriotic mayhem. In honor of this great

occasion, we've rolled out the red carpet

to our nation's heroic veterans. How you

guys doing tonight? Great, Johnny? It's

an honor just to be in the same

death match arena as a w*r hero like

yourself. Thanks, Lieutenant, on behalf

of all the brave. Patriotic men and

women who served in Grenada. Hey, Nick,

where's your uniform? Now, we all know

that every American hasn't had the

opportunity to boldly serve his country.

That doesn't necessarily make him any

less of a man, right, Nick? Actually,

I did fight in a w*r. Ohh.

Which w*r was that? Vietnam.

Sure you did. Our first red, white, black

and blue battle pits President Clinton in

a grudge match against special prosecutor

Kenneth Starr. Stars had Clinton pinned

several times, only to have the

president's squirm away. But you got to

wonder, Nick, how many comebacks does the

comeback kid have left? I'm hoping

Clinton gets his Johnny. He's a draft.

Roger And as a patriotic veteran, I don't

know anything about that. Whatever you

say, Nick. In our second match, the enemy

of all America, S*ddam Hussein, grapples

with the all American boy, James

Vanderbeek. S*ddam Hussein. Big deal now.

h* Chi men, there was an enemy then

it's time for our main event. Which

will finally settle the question that's

been bedeviling school kids for years.

Who's the best president? Through the

miracle of the deathmatch time machine,

it's Lincoln and Washington going for all

the marbles and a great presidential

gouge fest. Talk about a historic

confrontation, and we'll wind it all up

with a ringside fireworks display. What

better way to celebrate our nation's

birthday than setting off 200 cubic tons

of magnesium sulfate? And also, as a

special treat, we'll begin our fights

tonight by ringing the Liberty Bell,

which has been beautifully restored to

its original luster. It's enough to make

this patriot cry tears of joy. Johnny,

will I see that, Clinton?And Star are in

the ring. Whoa. Looks like the president

slimmed down for this fight. Throughout

this match, we'll be tracking the

approval ratings of both fighters on the

arena scoreboard, which started at an all

time high for the president and an all

time low for Ken Starr. I think if Star

gets in there and shows that he can kick

some Clinton, ask those numbers. We're

gonna turn around pronto. You gentlemen

know the rules. I want a good clean

fight. Now what? What exactly do you mean

by clean? What do you mean what do I

mean? Larry? Just so many ways to define

clean. I do mean spotless, stain free, no

cooties. Which is it? I don't give a

damn. Just kick some ***** OK?Does that

mean you want a hard fought fight or

an actual kicking of the buttocks?

Because those are two distinct This

fight, damn it.

Look at those fighters. Go at it.

Clinton is definitely looking for first

blood. Thanks for ruining my presidency.

That's for ruining my marriage. That's

for ruining my chances of hiring anymore

cute interns. You're not slipping away

this time, Slick Willie, by the time

I'm through with you. You're going to

confess every sexually perverted thing

you ever did with that Zoptic young minx,

And in detail too. Now let's start with

the cigar. OK, Kim, that's a good idea.

Taste good, don't it?

Ohh, Clinton sure knows how to handle

those cigars.

You like that? They seem to. Nick

Clinton's approval ratings up to 78, a

new high. Meanwhile, star is still on

all fours. Johnny, he may be in

a world of trouble. Here's the flip

book. There's the flock.

No one does that move better than this

president. By the time I get through with

you, you're going to need a special

resuscitator. Heck, this match

isn't over yet, Nick. We're about to hear

from that 16 ton Titan from the title

basin you're talking about. That's right,

The Star Report.

Unbelievable brilliant legal maneuver

by *. Ohh.

Yeah, Yeah. Admit it. Come on, admit

it. You touched her genitals. Yeah, well,

that depends on how you define genitals.

You f*ndled her in a manner unbecoming

a president. Yeah, I'm out of brushed

up against her by accident. Say it.

Say that you gently caressed her most

intimate of areas. Say it. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Hillary Clinton struggling to

contain her delight. OK, OK. I did

it. Just stop whooping me. Yes, he

admits it. You heard him. Let's check

the polls. Look at that. Mick Clinton's

rating is sh**ting up even higher. And

Star can't believe it. Why are you?

Always on his side. Can't you

see what a sleazebag he is?

What's wrong with you people? Yeah,

stars going berserko on the crowd.

And Clinton's not wasting anytime. Here

comes Bubba. Ohh. The Little Rock

lung smash. Now let's put an

end to this. Investigation.

Oh my God, Star just ruined the Liberty

Bell. I love that damn bell. I loved

it more than you, way more than you.

Stay with us in this time of grief.

Coming up after the break, we've got the

mother of all matches. America's

sweetheart James Vanderbeek crosses

S*ddam Hussein's line in the sand.

Someones going to get.

We're back with our All American 4th of

July deathmatch. See most patriotic damn

show on television with those medals come

from just got them out of my locker.

During the break. Now, do you believe I

was in Vietnam? How come you never

mentioned it before? Bad memories, man.

After you've seen your buddies fragged by

Charlie, It's not something you want to

dwell on, you understand? OK, Nick, I

believe you. I'm just trying to move on,

Johnny. We're all trying to move on. OK,

then let's move on. Down in the ring.

We've got James. And we'll be taking on

the Iraqi macdaddy himself, S*ddam

Hussein. That James Vanderbeek looks a

little poofy to me. Was he ever in

them? I think he's a little young, Nick.

But you got to admire the sacrifice he's

prepared to make tonight. He's trying to

do what the UN, the CIA, a huge

w*r and Gears of. Farming missions

haven't been able to kick S*ddam's *****.

Now you know what a patriot I am, Johnny.

But you gotta like S*ddam in this

matchup. He's got a bullish physique and

arsenal of biological weapons, and he

bombs his own people. Yes, it looks like

the young star of Dawson's Creek has his

work cut out for him. All right, So damn,

I got to strike. It's really good weapon.

Never. You are a puppet of the CIA

and refused to submit. Then you're out of

here, pal. Mills has disqualified the

irate Iraqi. Wait a second. Nick

Vanderbeek's refusing the forfeit. The

people came to see a fight, Mr. Lane.

This one's for America. OK, then go get

your *****. I don't care and Mills

is allowing the fight.

Oh, oh, that's a dumb leaps into

action with the Kuwaiti Corkscrew. Yeah,

yeah, but Vanderbeek shakes it off and

here comes a prime time pretty boy

taking it to the Mideastern madman. What

a patriot. Try what you may, hunky

American, they're Doberman of my

ancestors. Will devour your piddly poodle

heart. It'll take more than trite,

stilted imagery to rattle me, Mr.

Hussain. Strong words from TV's Dawson.

Ohh, S*ddam's pulling out his big g*n.

Maybe it's time to discuss what's going

on in our relationship.

I feel like you don't really respect me.

Hurts my feelings when you don't notice

how I trim my mustache. I lost 10 lbs for

this fight and did you say anything? No.

Ohh wow. I can't believe S*ddam fell

for that tired old let's talk about our

relationship campaign. This kid should be

a UN inspector.

What the holy Tuesday? Who's

saying Just whipped out a

Scud lookout son.

But the Scud is a dud and

the teenage heartthrob is on the attack.

Ohh, nice American boy. You want all

American hamburger for snack? Let's

consider it of you, Mr. Hussain. I

am actually a bit peckish. How about

that? Maybe we had Hussein all wrong.

Nick. Hold on, Johnny. Those are mad

cow burgers. It's Adam's resorting to his

biological weaponry.

May your youngest sister be impregnated

by the camel of my plumber. That's not

too cool, Mr. Hussain. Lander Biggs got

the Iraqi on the run now. Ohh, no,

it's Adam slaying out an oil slick.

The biggest down right now, America's

sweetheart, is up Dawson's Creek without

a paddle. What That cannot be. It's

Clinton to the rescue. He may have

dodged the draft, but he won't dodge

this fight. We meet at last, Satanic



Mr. President?Oh Oh no, the

president's pounding those burgers of

mass destruction. Ohh, that will taste

kind of funny.

Clinton has been waylaid by that funky

meat that'll teach you to b*mb some

of my favorite presidential palaces.

The Persian powerhouse is distracted,

then debates working to put them away.

Yes, it's the rapper minnows Glory and

feed him till his story maneuver. I

haven't seen that move since Cason and

James Bender begins the winner. But

what's Mills up to?

What did I do, Mr. Lane? Desecration of

the flag, son. I'm afraid I'm gonna have

to take you in, but I'm too sensitive for

prison. Maybe they'll take a couple of

years off for self-defense. I don't know.

Nick, it is the 4th of July. Hey, I love

the flag as much as any patriot, but

don't you think our founding fathers

would be proud to see the stars?The

stripes wiping up the brains of a

dangerous death spot. We'll get a chance

to ask one of them in just a moment. When

we come back for the main event. This is

where the big question gets settled once

and for all. Yes, it's George Washington

against Abraham Lincoln and all out

executive branch brought her heart to

settle that burning question. Who was our

greatest?President, I'm telling you.

Nick. Nick. Nick, here. Whoa. Johnny

relaxed. It's just me. I wanted to give

you a taste of what it was like.

And now, Nick, I believe you were there.

OK, what the hell is that stench? Ohh.

That's my necklace. It's made of actual

human ears. Lovely. Nick, Right now we've

got. Two fighters down in the ring,

waiting to go at it. In the

red corner, we've got the Gettysburg

Grappler, the rowdy rail splitter from

Illinois, and the tallest president of

the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

Ended the blue Corner, the Potomac

brutalist and the undisputed father of

his country, George Washington. Now, to

assure the complete historical

authenticity of this fight, the

deathmatch time machine was used to find

trainers who are not only dead

presidents, but dead presidents who are

experts in the. Part of

all out combat in Washington's

corner. Say hello to Richard

Tricky. d*ck Nixon.

And in Lincoln's corner, Teddy Rough

Rider rows of Elks.

A stiff snot of Brandy always gets

the fighting juices flowing. I don't

approve of spirits fully. More for me.

Right. That's perfectly clear. You're

going to go out there and kick

some tail. Now, who's on the 1?

Washington. Who's got a state named after

Washington? What city has the highest

m*rder rate? Washington. What's the

stuff? You're the father of our country

and our daddy's got all. Whoops. I'm

ask. Ohh, yeah, I'm on the one. I'm

on the one who don't go. Ohh. Hold

on there. Awake, boy. Save it for the

guy in the hat. Well, it looks like

this has all the makings of some real

capital punishment. You said it, Johnny.

Normally, I'd have to go with a He's

bigger. Stronger and doesn't have

syphilis. But with Nixon in Washington's

corner, all bets are off. That guy

is ruthless. Alright, let's see. A good,

clean presidential fight to the death. No

low blows, no negative campaigning, no

pardons. I want you to get it

on.

Washington's first in w*r, first in peace

and 1st to kick some ***** in this match.

Abe is looking a little lost in the woods

out there. You think you're the best? Is

that what you think? Come on, Abe, you're

on the five. You are 5 of this fellow.

Hey dude, Washington steps up his

attack. What? Amos had enough. How

about that? Lincoln's blown his lips.



Get off. Get off. Yo, idiot,

I will not pay the first

American president allows as a death

match. Writer That's over dollars,

George. Toss them a buck.

George Washington unleashes his patented

Potomac coin toss of terror.

But it's not working. Johnny Abe is just

not going down.

Ohh no.

I hear you're pretty handy with one of

these. Ohh, a dirty trick from Nixon.

Looks like Washington's about to turn

this fight into a bad day at Benihanas.

I cannot tell a lie. I'm going to

chop your ***** down.

Send them back to the Lincoln Memorial.

Real Ohh. Timeout. Timeout. What? What

the hell? I nearly k*lled myself. Someone

get a mop in here. An official timeout

is called, and not a moment too soon.

If you're a Lincoln fan, you said it.

Johnny Washington barely left him a leg

to stand on. Ohh, a body divided

cannot stand stiff up a lip, babe.

A little Brandy and you're out. This

new next round, I want you to

really go out there and kick some

tail with one leg, right? Maybe we

need a new game plan. Let's see

if that's what is it. OK, Nixon,

what the Hell's going on here? You

know there's no wiretapping allowed in my

ring. Wiretapping. Ohh, that's absurd. I

was merely reviewing a self help tape.

Get out. I will not be the

first American president disqualified

from a death match. Then maybe someone

has to take you. What's that?

I I can't hear you. You're

speaking so softly. Yeah. Ohh. Yeah,

I got it. Well, take this

bully boy. Unbelievable. The trainers are

duking it out amongst themselves. Are

big blast from Teddy's big stick.

Help me. Hurry. You have got

to reunite. To my body.

Ohh.

Ohh.

OK, fine, but you won't have Richard

Nixon had to kick around anymore.

The fight resumes and we are one

trainer short. I don't think it makes

a difference. Johnny Washington's just a

couple of limbs from putting this baby

away. Lincoln ducks and fleeting liberty

pays the price. Holy smokes, what a

move. Lincoln set Washington's teeth on

fire. We knew. A wooden teeth might

be a factor here tonight. Ohh. They're

Abe looking to put him away but

he's blinded with hot ash.

When it comes to fighting, this George

is no Bush. He told you I

was the greatest. I'm the greatest

president of them all. Ohh, yes, call

me General George Lucas.

Washington delighting the crowd with the

Mount Vernon victory boogie, but

Lincoln's got the torch.

And Washington is out. All right, take

it. This means you didn't win, Johnny.

These fireworks are out of control. They

fight Abe, Bully. There goes Teddy.

How about those fellows? Mount Rushmore?

The way it ought to be. What

a celebration. That's right, Johnny, And

I've got to say that it's made

all my patriotic sacrifices worthwhile.

Hey, there's the best They're who stole

my helmet and my knife. He took

my medals and my face painted. Give

me back my dried ears. Hey wait,

I'm I'm a hero. I was over

a non fighting Charlie. I swear. Only

Charlie you seen in Vietnam is Charlie

Sheen. Let's kick his yellow tail.

Yeah, hey, wait. Ohh. Well, the

fireworks just keep going. Queue in

the deathmatch arena for Nick Diamond.

I'm Johnny Gomez. Good fight. Good

night, and God Bless America.