02x11 - Family Night I

[bunniefuu]

Who remained conscious when slap happy

siblings try and pound each other to

pieces? What will happen when 2 brother

sister teams go toe to toe? And who will

stand tall in the face of a father and

son face off? Well, wake the kids and let

granny. One of the touched

because it's Family Day on

Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello again, ladies and gentlemen. I'm

Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond.

Tonight we've got all kinds of celebrity

families here to get it on in public

because what better way to bring blood

relatives together than with a little

blood spilling? Our first fight takes the

phrase sibling rivalry literally as

brothers Emilio Estevez. Charlie Sheen

take to the deathmatch ring. Next up is

a deathmatch style family feud as Donnie

and Marie Osmond try and put the hurt

on siblings Eric and Julia Roberts ended

our main event. It's bring your son to

work tonight as rock stars Bob Dylan and

son Jacob take on the first family of

funny. Ben Stiller and his *****

loudmouth dad Jerry Stiller. And joining

us tonight to help celebrate Family Day

is the absolute #1 Celebrity Deathmatch

fan. How about a big Family Day?

Welcome to my brother-in-law, said

Flagel. Hey, look at me America, I

might celebrity death match. It's

freaking awesome. All white. Yeah.

Johnny, thanks for having me here. It's

my dream come true to be on deathmatch.

No problem, buddy. OK, it's Showtime. So

let's go now to a referee. Mills. Yeah,

I got some really good ideas for the

show. I made some notes. Let's see here.

Not now, Sid. Why don't you have

a seat? OK, it's time now to go

to ringside. Where's the Astone cold here

today. Ohh. I learned this new move. I

want to show him. Check it out. Ohh.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's get it on. Let's get

it. Hey, baby. Hey. Are you freaking

guy? Ohh, man, he said. Have you visited

the green room? Yes. Yeah, the green

room. It's where all your VIP's hang out

before the show. Hey, you might even see

a celebrity. Ohh, man. I'm all over it,

baby. Yeah, then I'll come back and we

can talk about my notes.

You know it's. Wow, what

a wing nut. Easy Nick. He is family

alright. Sorry Johnny, but he is a wing

nut. Let's check in with the fighters in

our first bout in the Red Corner, Camilio

Westerville. I tell you Johnny, this guy

is some actor. I left myself silly at

his classic movie Men At Work. And

in the blue corner, it's Charlie Sheen.

Boy, was he good in Platoon, and he

was even more convincing as an irreverent

but lovable garbage man in that other

great movie. Men At Work, folks, if you

haven't already seen it, get out and rent

it at the end of this program, of

course. Hey, kids, I

want a good clean fight. Make your

dad proud because he's a good man

and a fine actor. Let's get it

on. Hey, Charlie, you're ready for more

public humiliation. Won't you shut your

meat hole? Why don't you make me,

Charlie? Responding to Emilio's challenge

in true brotherly fashion. To the flurry

of noogie, they seem to be having

quite an impact. I'm telling mills go

ahead and tell you big wuss mills,

I'll allow it. Ohh stop 2 for

flinching.

What's the matter, Charlie? Ohh, I

thought your body could take abuse. It

can, so long as I'm the one

dishing it out. Ohh, Charlie. Adding

insult to injury with an Indian rope

burn doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. Ohh.

It hurts. It hurts, it hurts.

So, Emilio, if your hand is bigger than

your face, you're a ****. Really. Yeah.

Guess you're a ****. His life may be

in disarray, but Charlie Sheen is in

control of this fight. Where are you

hiding yourself? Why are you hitting

yourself? Are you mad at yourself?

Oh oh.

Looks like Amelia's about ready to get

serious. Ohh, you mean he's ready to

get a serious asskicking? Hi Charlie.

Yeah, yeah, I forgot to tell you,

Charlie. Some of your old friends wanted

to drop by and say hello. Wanna party

with me, Charlie? Emilio launching a

clever counterattack, tempting his

brother with one of his most powerful

alleged witnesses, her prost*tute. You

know, Charlie, you were really great in

Men At Work. Go for it, Charlie.

You know you can't resist. The hell I

can't. And then all you got Emilio, huh?

Go, girl. That part of my life is

behind me. Hi, it's Charlie. The old

l*sbian sorority girls. Move, Nick,

That's going to be tough to resist. Don't

I know it? You do remember the Magamba

twins, don't you?Charlie, will you help

us with our homework? Charlie, I can work

through this. Remember what they said in

Group and baby steps. Baby steps. These

girls have taken the fight fight out of

Charlie Sheen. Pumilio may stand a chance

if he can keep up the intensity. He's

got Charlie right where he wants him now.

And he blows it. Sorry, bro. I'm

cured of these petty temptations. I'll

decide when you're cured, baby. The hell

are you? You've been a bad boy,

Charlie, haven't you? Hey, wait a second.

I don't go for that kind of

thing. I'll be the judge of that.

Charlie Sheen letting his guard down

along with his trousers. I'm afraid I'll

have to discipline you, Charles. How

stimulating. I mean humiliating. OK.

Thanks for wearing them down, Mistress

Rowena. I could take them from here.

Send me a bill. OK. Beg your

pardon. Send

me a bill. Good one, bro. Is there

a problem? Wait, wait, You do know that

the girls and I are strictly COD? OK,

well just put it on this credit card.

Actually, it's a debit card. Ohh, it's a

debit card.

We don't take those either, jerk.

Ohh man, everybody knows hookers don't

take debit cards.

Charlie, can you spot me please? Ohh

I have is a single. Looks like

you've got a real problem. Ohh ladies,

wait wait, I can go to an

ATM, I'll hath no fury like a

bunch of irate hookers and Emilio is

out. Charlie Sheen is the winner.

Pull up your pants. And possibly the

most arousing finish in Death Match

history. That fight deserves a standing

O. What do you say, Nick? You

go ahead, Johnny. What's the matter?

Nothing at all.

We'll be right back with more

titillation right after that erection

correction right after this.

Welcome back to Family Day on Celebrity

Deathmatch. My co-host has stepped away

to check on his own family, but

he'll be back momentarily.

Hey, Marie Osmond. Yeah, alright. Hey,

you want some of my big cupcake?

No. What in? How about you take

your top off? Wait for me, creep.

Oh. Oh.

Said, what the hell are you doing? I'm

just trying to mix it up a little,

Johnny. Well, what do you expect me to

do? I'm bored as hell here. Well, you're

making a nuisance of yourself, but this

is the kind of excitement this show

needs. You saw me and Marie, right? We

really had something going. I'm good for

this show, Johnny. I'm good.

Now listen up, Sid. I never would have

even let you come tonight if I'd known

you were going to be such a pain in my

*****. You know nothing about the ways of

broadcasting, and you're not good for

this show. So sit down and shut up so we

can get through this without any more

embarrassment.

Ah, thanks for dropping by.

OK, it's time for the 2nd

chapter in this saga we call

Family Day. So how'd it go

with Sid? We'll talk later in

the Blue Corner. Pretty violent woman

Julia Roberts along with her Big

Brother madman of straight to video

movies Eric Roberts. And

in the red corner, the destructive duo of

daytime talk shows, legendary

entertainers Donny and Marie Osmond. It

looks like the rest of the Osmond family

is here to lend their support to you. Is

Marie. I don't know if I can handle a

tough guy like Eric Roberts. Donna,

you're an Osmond and you can do anything

you put your. Mine too, right

g*ng?

OK, kids, I want a good clean.

Don't even return my calls. What do

you think? You're too good for me.

Why you're not? Calm down, Eric. You're

embarrassing me. Missed me

a pot in the Pelican Brief. Yeah, well,

there were no parts for psychos. I am not

a sycho. You bit off the director's ear.

It was that show. You swallowed it. Pipe

down over there. We're trying to get it

on now. Let's get it on.

And here we go.

I'm the one who put the

name Rabbits and the Hollywood map.

Yeah, by getting typecast as an

egotistical loudmouth. Ohh. I'm not an

egotistical loud mouth. Good head hurl

by Donnie. Did you see that,

Marie? Did you see it?



while Eric and Julia take a serious

beating.

The camera I'm looping Eric Roberts

behind. I sure am proud of you,

Donnie. You're kicking that gentleman's

***** real good. Keep up the good

work. We'll do this. Here's a little

number I call the Utah Jazz box.

What's your love dancing on Eric

Roberts back? I'd love it even

more to Here's for her to

make Crack crackity, crackity crackity

crack crackity, crackity crackity.

Donna, you're a real sassy boy today.

Hey Marie, watch me now.

Go Danny, go kick his

*****. Kick his *****. Ohh.

The Portuguese finger pull. Ohh.

Ohh, you deserve to have your thumbs

taken, Eric. What comes around goes

around. Did you see

that Marie? Did you? Boy, oh boy, I

really kicked Eric Roberts *****.

Donnie, what has gotten into you?

How dare you say ask? And

how dare you trick me into

saying ask? Listen, I'm a grown

man and I can talk however

I like. Donald Maurice Osmond, you

stop that this instant.

How how this is incredible make another

bizarre turn of events. Donnie and Marie

have forgotten their opponents and have

turned their pent up frustrations towards

each other. Ohh, looks

like the Osmond kids are going to put

those famous pearly whites to good use.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the

Mormon Munch. Eric

and Julia Roberts when she Eric. I can't

believe Donnie and Marie k*lled each

other. I hope we don't come to that.

And I'm sorry I badmouthed you

all over Hollywood. Ohh. Beautiful family

moment. These two really bury the

hatchet. OK, Eric, you can let

go of me now. Let go

of me, Eric. Let go. Boy,

there's nothing like. Watching her

brother and sister coming together and

k*lling The Osmonds to make a guy feel

warm and fuzzy inside, it gets me to

thinking, Mitch, maybe I was too hard on

my own family back there. Sid may be

annoying, but his heart is in the right

place. I'll have to make it up to him

somehow. Sounds like you're the one with

his heart in the right place, Johnny now.

Let's check in with our deathmatch

correspondent, Miss Stacey Cornbread. How

are you tonight, young lady?

Pretty good, Johnny. Hey, sports fans,

sit Flegle here with a Celebrity

deathmatch special report said. What the

hell? Wait, did he get that camera?

Folks, as you could see, I've drilled a

hole in the green room wall and in

just a moment, we'll get a rare behind

the scenes Celebrity Deathmatch. First,

Julia Roberts. The dressing room. But

freaking naked every day, folks.

It's gonna be freaking awesome,

baby.

Man, ohh, man. Gosh, a mighty you.

Look at a Doug's on that one.

Ohh. Are you ready for your colonic,

Mr. Stiller? You'll know I am Paco,

Mr. Stella. Why, you little pervert guy

does it? Come on, I got you

off me. OK, pal, you're out of

here. That's OK. Hey, I work here. I'm a

broadcaster. Hey, wait a minute. Take it.

He's here. Hey, hey, put me down. Right.

Hey, it's gonna roll, baby. Folks, I'd

like to apologize for the disturbances

earlier tonight. I assure you that the

problem has been kicked out. I mean,

cleared up. So let's move on to our main

event to bring your son to work fight.

Now we'll see who is the toughest father

and son team in the entertainment

business. OHH fighters are now making

their way to the ring. Bob Dylan. Some

call him a Great American rock'n'roll

poet. I call him a guy I wouldn't

want to make fun of on national

television. And his son? 160 lbs of

musical mayhem. Jacob Dillon. I'm told

he's no wallflower in the ring. And here

come their opponents, the dynamic duo of

comedy Ben Stiller and his dad, Jerry

Stiller. He may be a slight young man,

but when reality bites, Ben Stiller bites

back. Jerry drew big laughs on Seinfeld.

Let's see if he can draw some. Blood

here in the ring. OK, I want a good

clean fight and made the toughest family

win. Now let's get it over. Ohh, Jerry

Stiller not wasting any time. He's come

here to kick some. Dylan asks. And that's

exactly what he's going to do.

Really. You suck you. Why? He put that

one right in Jerry's grill. Hey, cool

jacket. Thanks. Cameron Diaz bought it

for me. Cool. I sure hope you'll be

able to get the blood stains out.

There's still a team taking an early

beating, referee Mills Lane keeping a

particularly close eye on the

proceedings. OK, OK, stay cool. Now I'm

going to go over there and felt this guy

and Benny's got a belt, his guy. Then I

could go home and soak myself in some

Epsom salts.

Come and get some Ringo,

go for an old guy.

Jerry Stiller is agile, mobile

and hostile. Smirk. Oh oh

shocker yo, no victim mode.

It's really buzzing me off, Dylan.

Ohh bang, your mother teach you how to

hit a man. This is how you hit

a man. Man, I'm

trying my best here. It might be take off

my belt.

Here.

Ohh, good idea dad.

Ohh, Ben Stiller's head is no match

for that campus. Looks like he's starting

to succumb. And Mills Lane is right

there in the thick of it. Oh,

oh, Bob, Bob, Bob. Help me. Ohh,

There you hit my son, yo.

Ohh I won't stand for that

kind of brutality from some big

talk about projecting. Bob Dylan had

better save his son before Jerry's

violent vocal cords get to him

first. Your generation is a bunch

of punks. Words speaking louder than

actions as Jerry Stiller. That was Jacob

Dillon's mind. Jerry Stiller may have

knocked out Jacob Dillon, but he still

got Bob to tangle with Senior.

It paid back. What the heck is

he undressing? Ladies, you may want to

turn away. It looks like he's got

some kind of extension cord, but I

don't believe it. What? What's he doing?

I'll tell you what he's doing. Bob

Dylan is once again going electric.

Just like he did back in



the guitar. And this time, the

crowd seems to approve. Dad, Dad,

use your voice.

Jerry Stiller's venomous voice seems to

be shot from all the yelling. He's in

for it now. I'll save you, Dad.

Ohh, that's what Ben Stiller

had in mind.

He said. Boy, looks like Jerry has

nowhere to go but up in smoke. Johnny, I

got no beef with you. Let's talk this out

like responsible parents. Once again,

Mills is all over this action. And wait,

what the hell is he doing? I thought he

was off the sauce.

There's something written on his back.

Sid. b*mb. Sid. b*mb. Sid. That's

your brother in law's name. Sid.

What is he doing? He's rooting

this fight I made. I made

it. Who's famous now, Johnny. Yeah.

I'm on Celebrity Deathmatch, baby. Get

up freaking awesome. Yeah, get the

hell away from me. You're sick.

Oh my God this count Bob

Dylan. I win, I win, I

win. Johnny I'm sorry for the

loss of your no good brother-in-law

man. My sister is going to

k*ll me. Hey at least he

went out with a bang. Well.

Suppose he did die with a

smile on his face, doing what

he'd always dreamt of doing. Thanks,

Nick. And so for Celebrity Deathmatch,

this is Johnny Gomez, and I'm

Nick Diamond. Good fight. Good. Hey,

what happened to Mills? Ohh. Yeah.

Umm.