02x12 - Censoring Problems

[bunniefuu]

Feel the pain when 2 of America's biggest

adult entertainers beat the puck out of

each other in a celebrity c*ck fight.

Taste the hostility when 2 sassy singers

played King of the Mountain in the name

of charity and crossed the Sea of Time.

Terrifying trios try and rewrite history.

All this and more coming at

you right now on some celebrity

Deathmatch. Good

evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Johnny

Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond, and we're

coming to you tonight from a remote

location far removed from our traditional

deathmatch arena. The reason for this

change of venue is that tonight's first

fight is so incredible, so controversial,

so ill*gal that our lawyers insisted we

take it underground. That's right, the

king of poor Ron Jeremy is going to

settle his dispute with rocker Tommy Lee

in our first ever celebrity c*ck fight.

After that, it's King of the Mountain

Deathmatch style as sweet little Jewel

takes on her syllabus rival Alanis

Morissette in a ladder match and the

action continues in our main event. 3

Stooges versus the three tenor. It's

highbrow versus lowbrow in a celebrity

death match culture clash. So we're here

awaiting the arrival of Ron Jeremy and

Tommy Lee, 2 beloved entertainers. But

what's their beef? Johnny Beef is the

word Nick. As everyone knows, the Tommy

Lee home video outsold. All of her adult

videos last year and Ron Jeremy, the

Laurence Olivier of adult cinema, was not

about to stand for that. So what better

way to have these huge entertainers

settle their grievances than in a

celebrity cop fight? And the crowd is on

its feet because it looks like the

fighters are now entering the basement of

our. Death Match Arena. I mean, the

undisclosed location. They're entering

the undisclosed location. I'm sorry,

Johnny. As you can see, folks, we've made

every effort to make this c*ck fight as

realistic as possible. Yeah, tell me

about it. I was up all night knitting

those rooster suits in the red corner

Drummer. Glad rock band, motley crew

and pioneer of home video Tommy Lee.

Tommy stands only 5 foot 9, but

weighs in at an astonishing 240 lbs.

How can that be Johnny? Well, I

guess he's big boned. His chicken suit

is bull man. All the freaking feathers

are. Covering up my rad tattoos, dude.

They're so rad, dude. And in the

blue corner, America's most famous ****

star, Ron Jeremy. The legend of the

sleazy screen. Ron has been pleasing

audiences for years with his large body

of work. You've said a mouthful, Johnny.

OK, John, this is. Filthy, dirty,

disgusting event, and I couldn't be

happier to be here. Now let's get it up.

I mean, let's get it on. Listen to me,

you skinny ***** punk. That piece of crap

tape of yours is eating into my profits.

Lighten up, dude. The tape should have

never gotten out. All right, bro, I was

exploited. Yeah, well, I'm the king of

adult entertainment. Don't be such a

***** dude Nick type of feeling. This is

gonna be a long hard c*ck fight. OK

by me Johnny, I'm up for it. Sorry

about this old dude.

My grass state.

Good. Ohh. Yeah, it's all good. Ron

Jeremy taking it hard in the rear.

Yes, Sir. Tommy's giving him everything

he's got. Ron Jeremy is up again,

standing at attention. That move must

have gotten a rise out of him.

He's taken to the air. You don't

scare me, dude. Tommy Lee. Wearing c*ck

tonight. Now both fighters are airborne.

Man, this is some c*ck fight. Would

that it would go on forever. Tommy

lays struggling now in the face of

some stiff competition. He's looking to

plunge that tremendous beak into Ron

Jeremy supple shoulder blades.

Right back.

And Ron Jeremy slides out of another

tight situation. Yeah, bro. Come on, give

me a break. Sure, kid, No problem.

Ohh, my arm. Ohh. It's totally broken.

How will I play drums, dude? My

drumming rips. You know, no one's going

to miss you, kid. I play better

music. That

Ron Jeremy's got some ******.

Ohh, man, you bit off my arm. The crew's

gonna k*ll me, bro. Hey, Memo, we're not

freaking Def Leppard, dude. Ohh, yeah.

What are you going to do about it? That's

it. I'm going to give you everything I've

got, bro. What the

hell is Tommy Lee doing?

My eyes.

So do have I made my point?

Crowd goes nuts. Incredible. I've never

seen any of thing like it. I guess

that makes Tommy Lee the winner. The big

winner. I want to shake your hand. Boy,

what a great fight. We should have done

that a long time ago. What the hell

do you think you're doing? Excuse me.

Mary Lou Higgins. Broadcasters opposing

offensive behavior. You gentlemen know

that what you just did is ill*gal. You're

in direct violation of Penal Code 639 or



this on TV. Now sit on your hands.

Come on, sister, aren't you being a

little stiff? Not now, Mitch, I said sit

on your hands. Feel

that? That's your *****. One more screw

up and those ***** belong to me.

Whoops, folks. We apologize to any of you

who may have been offended by that last

fight. Coming up next after the

commercial is our ladder match, a Lattice

Morissette versus Jewel. Feel my hand,

it's all warm.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. In

order to appease our good friends at

The Bob, please enjoy the following very

important disclaimer so that we can keep

providing you with this. Good time fun we

call Celebrity Deathmatch. Nick and I

have made a solemn promise to do whatever

it takes to comply with all Bob

regulation, and if that means we need to

keep it clean, then I say ring on this

soap. Amen, Nick.

Coming up in tonight's main event, a

culture clash between The Three Tenors

and the Three Stooges. But right now it's

time for our second bout of the night,

Alanis Morissette versus Jewel. They're

here tonight to settle an age-old rivalry

usually reserved for Chinese restaurants,

Sweet versus sour. Personally, I'm a

candy bar and ice cream. And and that's

why I'm rooting for Jewel. If you've ever

heard her angelic voice, you know she's

as sweet as they come. I hear you, Nick,

but I'm going to have to go with Alanis.

You can cheer in her ferocious voice that

she's a living, breathing sour ball. And

that's what gets my juices flowing now.

Hey folks, we've been wanting to get

these two on the show for a long, long

time, but they're too peaceful ladies who

just aren't into the whole fighting to

the death thing. That is, until the

checkbooks came out. That's right, these

two lovely ladies have agreed to fight to

the death for the charity of their

choice. If Alanis wins, a donation and

her name will be made. To the Greater

Toronto Association to clothe the

homeless recovering alcoholic harp seal.

And if Jewel wins, a donation will be

made to her favorite charity, the League

of Women Band Dwellers. OK, let's check

in with the lovely Stacey Cornbread to

explain how this ladder match works.

Stacey thanks Johnny, as you can see.

Referee Mills Lane is now securing the

great big bag of money, the fighter who

makes it up the ladder in one piece

and grabs the cash. Who wins? And here

they are in the red corner, hailing from

America's friendly neighbor to the north,

the First Lady of Rage, Alanis

Morissette. And her. The Angel

from Alaska. The poem writing.

Punisher, Jewel.

OK, ladies, I want a good clean fight.

Clean. Have you seen her fingernails?

Hey, Drew, move back into your van and

take those hairy armpits with you. Ohh.

Alanis, I meant to ask you, how many

albums have you sold? About a billion,

right? So can't you afford some shampoo

for that nasty weed patch?Oh, and

I love your shoes. Ohh wait, you're

not wearing shoes? That's dirt. Let's get

it. Ohh, you don't need me.

I just want everybody to know that for

the rest of the fight, I'm going to have

one hand in my pocket while the other one

is beating the crap out of tool here.

Yeah, fat chance you dumb Canuck.

With a surprise attack to the forehead.

My beautiful hairdo. I spent 3 hours

combing it absolutely perpendicular to

the ground. Then you ruined it and

the lanus is on the attack.

It's the Winnipeg watch job.

The Manitoba Twister, a classic mover

letters picked up in her homeland.

That really hurt. It's OK, young lady.

You know what I do when I'm

feeling blue? I channel the melancholy

into my poetry.

Ohh dear. Thanks Miles.

I sit before the hushed crowd,

armpits burning like the midday sun.

Possibly even a punctured lung batch

is making a run for the

cats. Alanis is going for the

money bag, but not fast enough.

Bad luck for Alanis Jewel using the

ladder to beat the pee out of

Atlantis. That's not the sweet girl I

know, but Alanis breaks free and goes

on the offensive.

Oh, damn it. It looks like Allana's

opened up a vein on jewels. Razor sharp

snaggle tooth. Now I'm gonna need a

tetanus shot. Come on now, little lady, I

need you to calm down. What do you mean

calm down? I want that bike has been

thrown out of the ring. Yeah, look, these

things have a way of working themselves

out. Your happy place and go there.

There goes Jewel making her move to win

this fight.

She's lost her ladder and her grip on

the money bag. Ohh, what's wrong with

Jewel that queued up for Bicuspid, while

useful before, now has her anchored to

the canvas. Isn't it ironic, Johnny,

don't you think? How's that Nick? Well,

it's like rain on your wedding day while

your face is stuck to the floor. Think

about it.

Alanis Morissette has had enough, and

her Canadian heritage is manifesting

itself. You're nothing but a jagged

little pill, Morissette shoots. She

scores.

When I win, I win, I

win since the winner that Alanis

is a regular look Robertie what

a fabulous finish to a terrific

fight festival, Nick. We got through

it without any offensive content

whatsoever, right?On those Jack booted

th*gs over at the Bob can't touch

us. Thank you, death match fans. Thank

you, Bangladesh. Thank you. Start

freaking naked. The senses are going to

bricks. Go to camera 2GO to camera



allow that. Do something. Come on.

Nick Gomez, Johnny Diamond, come out with

your hands up. Ohh, Nick.

For full frontal nudity on basic cable,

I warned you guys. Take them down.

Oh oh.

Have fun in prison, boys.

Ruby Ridge. Ruby Ridge. Ruby

Ridge. We'll be right back

after this, I'm pretty sure.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm

Stacey Cornbread and I'm referee Mills

Lane in for Nick and Johnny. As you can

see from this footage, some of tonight's

action was deemed offensive by the.

And unfortunately, Nick and Johnny remain

in their custody. But rest assured, we've

got the best lawyers working around the

clock and we hope to have them out soon.

And even if the lawyers crap out on us,

it's only a 30 day sentence. You boys

hang in there. Meanwhile, they're so must

go on. And it's time for our main event

now. While the Three Stooges were the

most formidable. 3 some of their day

today, that designation belongs to The

Three Tenors and thankfully incredible

advances in time travel technology. We

can bring them together tonight. Let's

check in with the master of mayhem, Stone

Cold Steve Austin, who is readying his

amazing deathmatch time machine. Stone

Cold. Look good up there in the booth,

guys. Let me tell you, when I throw

my Switch right here, this joint will be

jumping with the playful antics of

America's funniest and fiercest

entertainers, the Three Stooges. So let's

do it. I've calibrated this machine with

such extreme precision that we're able to

lift these guys right out of an actual

Episode 1, which just happens to be my

all time favorite. These guys were really

at the top of their game. And

best of all, no frigging

ship. Ladies and gentlemen, I

present to you the Three

Stooges. Good evening,

Sir. We're here to fix a leak. A

leak, A leak. We're here to fix the

leak, ma'am. My work is done here, folks.

Enjoy the main event. They may be funny

on the outside, but beneath that bumbling

exterior, these stooges are savvy.

Surprisingly, though, it was the tenors

that requested this particular fight in

their. Ongoing quest to rid the world of

bad taste and sophomoric humor. Well,

they picked the wrong show for that. Ohh.

Domingo Carreras and Pavarotti. Let me

tell you, Mills, these opera powerhouses

look tough and they're dressed so much

better than those other three. I have to

take your word for it. I can't see squat

up in this booth.

Now let's get it over and the

battle between class versus class is

underway. Hey fellas, get a load of

the swells. OK, let's go kick some

stooge.

Hmm.

Ohh, my good man. Where's the

leak? I brought my monkey wrench.

Hey, what's the big idea? Why

you wait? A check, please.

This is Sicilian stomach slam. That

hurts. Oh, oh wise guy. You know,

in addition to being a plumber, I'm

also a judo expert.

Hey, Moe, I think I found the leak.

Open your eyes, porcupine. These guys

don't need plumbers. It's us they want to

flush down the drain.

Ohh, boy, they're facing each other

really good now. Ohh, man, he's hitting

him with a chair. I don't see a

chair. Hey, is that a giraffe in the

ring? Nails. Hang on, it might not be

a giraffe. Can somebody find Mills

glasses, please? Hey, Sinatra, come over

here. I got a present for you.

Not so sure about this, I got

lozenges. What is mole up to? Alright,

look at my thumb.

So long fancy pants, give

my regards to the future.

This is no time for cold beer. That's

not a refrigerator. That's The Time

Machine.

Ohh most ending Plácido Domingo into

the next century and out of

this fight.

Luciano is visibly shaken.

Good friend bless you.

Ohh.

Ohh, it's stooge.

This lucrative pretenders gig.

Someone will pay for

this.

I scared them away. Yeah, you're scared

them with your ignorance.

Hey, why'd you do that for? Because it

felt good. Banana brain. Ohh. No, it

didn't. Yeah, No, it didn't. Ohh. Yes, it

did. Ohh. Dissension within the stooge

ranks. This could spell trouble. Your

glasses, Mr. Lane. That's more like it.

Hey, what happened to that giraffe? Ohh.

Don't look now, fellas. Here come the.

Not so fast. Come on, you knuckleheads.

Man, the battle stations. Here they go.

He's only going to get along. Now

where's the popcorn guy?

You stupid stooge, you shouldn't never

have a mess to it.

Hey mom, it's my time to use the mop.

Forget it, you're pinhead use the monkey

wrench. But I want the mop here. How

about a punch?

Ohh.

Ohh. That's the

big idea. I didn't

do it on purpose, honest. It was dark.

Hey, what's so funny, you stooges?

How so stupid? Why, if I

was 10 years younger, I'd Hey,

that gives me an idea.

Incredible. Larry's trying to go back 10

years to when he was a younger,

stronger man. Ohh. It looks like he's

inadvertently sent himself back to the

year 19011901. He wasn't even born yet,

he was still just.

Ohh, my Larry has taken himself too far

back and now he's just a well, he's

just a man seed or what? Who wants

a piece in me? Come on, you ain't

so bad. Big threats from little Larry,

but Curly is in real trouble because it's

two on one.

Hugs and kisses.

I beg to differ.

Little Larry makes good on his threats

and Pavarotti is blinded. Ohh.

Curly and Carreras is out. Little Larry

has turned this fight around.

OK.

The Three Stooges make the most of a

sticky situation to claim a victory for

the common man and the title of most

gruesome threesome. Though I guess that

threesome is now 1 1/2 some. Is that a

word, Mills? I'll allow it. Well, thanks

for watching. Folks, Nick and Johnny will

hopefully be back next week. Fellas, if

you're watching Hanger, we'll get you up.

Until then, good fight and good night.

It looks like Rizzo really felt that one.

I'm not sure how much longer he can go

on. Me neither Nick. I'd say Fleabags

definitely got this fight locked up.

I want to go home, Johnny. Me

too, Nick. Me too.