02x14 - The Laser Pointer

[bunniefuu]

What will happen when the royal FOP of

pop locks horns with the high priest of

heavy metal? Can a potty mouth comedian

be house broken by the head honcho of

Homemakers? And Who Will Win the award

for a sweeping between a Hollywood bad

boy?And a Hollywood Boy Scout? Disable

your V chip and find out next

on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good evening everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond. Can you feel the

hate in this room tonight, Nick? I sure

can, Johnny. This place is charged up and

ready for the type of brutal butchery

that can only be seen on basic cable.

First up is a British battle Royale as

Iron Man Ozzy Osbourne trades. Some of

those blows with Rocket Man Elton John.

Sir Elton has been knighted, which may

have Ozzie feeling slighted. Our second

mouth, its famous homemaker turned home

breaker, Martha Stewart against a

houseguest from hell, Sandra Bernhard.

And capping things off in our main event,

Hollywood hotheads. Sean Penn is going to

get nasty with Hollywood. Heart Warmer

Tom Hanks Nick, Everyone knows Tom Hanks

as a tender and compassionate family man,

but can he play the role of a

bloodthirsty man Slayer here tonight?

Good question, Johnny. Apparently he felt

that his overall niceness might be a

liability in the Death Match ring, so

several months ago he announced a very

unusual training program. Let's take a

look. If I intend to win this death match

and defend the honor of Hollywood, I'm

going to need to become evil and deranged

and, well, a real jerk. So I've decided

to spend the next six months inside this

tiny steel box where I will be poked

repeatedly with a cattle prod until I've

lost all my social skill, not unlike my

opponent, Sean Penn. Who, by the way, is

a fine actor, and I certainly admire his

work. This is for all the people who

spend their whole lives stuffed in tiny

steel boxes. These people, they're the

real heroes. Thank you.

Ohh, come on, give it to me.

Showing the same level of dedication and

commitment that won him two Oscars, Hanks

plans to emerge from that box a

lean and hopefully mean k*lling machine.

Johnny Nick, you got something on your

face. Is it is it hot dog? No,

I I think it's one of those wacky laser

pointers. Ohh. Damn it. You don't want to

be on the receiving end of one of those.

Yeah. Thanks for the insight, Johnny. It

looks like it's time for our first

matchup, Nick. Our fighters are making

their way to the ring. There's England's

first night. Like keyboards, Sir. Elton

John. And it looks like he's taking

his new title seriously. Johnny. He's

wearing full battle dress for the

occasion. Look at those colorful piano

keys, Nick. That's one sassy suit of

armor. There's Elton's trainer and

sparring partner, Queen Elizabeth the

Second. People have called her a useless.

Figurehead, but she was a very effective

corner woman for Prince Charles. Look for

her to make a major difference in

tonight's contest. Here comes Ozzy

Osbourne, Nick and he looks like a

fat tattooed zombie. Let me see your

cigarette lighters. Go crazy. Go crazy,

Ozzy appears to be. Going off the

rails on a lazy train Johnny. He may

be off the sauce, but he still looks

like an overstuffed sack of potatoes.

Hello love. Look at me ******* and they

saucy. You were repugnant man. Ozzy is

giving the monarch an earful tonight

after the Queen stabbed him for the

knighthood. With no love lost between

these two, Ozzie Elton, your parents

should have enrolled you in military

school back when they had the chance. But

there's nothing we can do about that now,

can we? So let's get it on.

Ozzy looking to deliver some punishment

and ohh he shatters his fourth

metacarpal help leading Boston. Ohh,

smart Ozzy is going to need

more than his bare hands to

handle this heavy metal rock'n'roll.

Wow, she gets a head full of

lead. Ohh. Show some respect for the

crown you chubby demon chick. Elton is

coming on strong with his patented pocket

crotch rock. This club will put a

real damper on your love life.

You ******* you crushed me, cucumber.

What is that supposed to be? Beats me,

but I'll allow it.

What's this all about? The Queen is

bringing out the mythical Excalibur

niche. Legend has it that a true knight

can deliver the blade from deep within

the stone. I

can't pull it out.

What kind of night are you?

No rest for the wicked Elton.

Live in a big way, Johnny. At this rate,

it's going to be a long Black Sabbath for

Elton John. That's right, Nick. Ozzy is

stripping him down to his bare

essentials. Ohh look

at you. Ohh think like who

we piggy? Nice britches biggie man

who see you in the darkest

winker.

Oh, oh, Oh my earlier ohh, there

it goes the lining of his stomach,

Johnny. But this fear listen to all

those young kids out there. Don't ever

fight to the death in your living

room without proper weight tested

abdominal support. Woody, I have

vanquished the.

Another victory for the throne. Hold

on, Johnny is out and showing

signs of jealousy.

Ohh, this is totally unexpected. Nick

Shelton is pulling up Prince Charles on

the Queen. Everyone seems to want a piece

of this woman's Johnny. Brenda, you're

crowded at once. You're not a Windsor.

You can never be king. I don't want

to be king. I want to be queen.

Ohh, Elton delivers a royal pile driver.

That's not half of it. Ozzy is

showing signs of life at the other

end of the ring. Prepare to meet

your maker in his stomach. Wow. Oh

my God, he's swallowing Sir Elton's head.

Let's just hope he's had a decent

rabies booster. Look, Izzy Osborne is

the winner. Look, hang on Nick, as he

must have chewed that head too hastily.

He appears to be choking.

Who?

God save the Queen. What an exceptional

turn of events, Nick. There may be a

knighting ceremony yet for this heavy

metal maniac. Ohh, it's tough luck for

Elton John. Seems to me he lived his

life like a candle in the windpipe of

Ozzy Osbourne. Those are touching words,

Nick. Yeah, I think the red dot

has disappeared. Well, I'll be darned. I

guess that jerk with the laser pen took

his business elsewhere, right? Well,

we'll be back with more super violence

after this.

Welcome back, brutality buffs. For those

of you just joining us, Ozzy Osbourne

proved that revenge is a dish best served

rare as he swallowed the head of hitmaker

Elton John as he couldn't stomach

victory. However, so Queen Elizabeth got

an assist by dishing out some broil

hospitality. Seeing two people reconcile

like that through a simple act of

pointless violence, well, it touches my

heart. You know what I mean, Nick.

Don't move the Dragons on their

training off that damn helmet. Ohh

we on. OK, that

was my announcing helmet out, damn it.

Our next contest features the ultimate

Domestic Goddess, Martha Stewart versus

the femme fatale of funny Sandra

Bernhardt. These two fierce females have

been chomping at the deathmatch bits.

It's an incident which occurred earlier

this year. It seems that during Martha's

annual Mayday dinner party. Sandra was a

one woman show of atrocious manners. Umm,

Martha dear, this goop is simply delish.

What do you call it? Creme brulee? Hey,

do I have anything in my teeth? An

entire asparagus roll up? Do you even

chew your food now? Those little things

are making me gassy, but I tell you.

This creamy crap, umm, to die for

you will die for it. Don't be

so uptight Martha. You should get out

of the kitchen more. Go get yourself

laid, you skinny vitch.

And so the gauntlet was thrown down, and

we all know that there's only one way

to settle a dispute like this, and that's

with a bloodthirsty brawl to the death.

Apparently, Martha has helped Mills

decorate the arena for tonight's

festivities. Well, she has really outdone

herself. Those scented candles give this

slaughterhouse a pleasant rustic charm

here. From our fighters, Nick

in the subdued pastel corner,

the hateful homemaker Martha Stewart,

and in the autumn Plaid

corner with the festive red

bow, the first Hussey of

humor, Sandra Bernhard.

Through the natural light, bathing this

space makes your face look less harsh

than it actually is. You wanna see harsh?

Get a load of this good lady, Lady,

Break it up. Break it up. Care for

a macadamia nut crust? I'll allow it.

I'll definitely allow Sandra. Macadamia

nut crust. I can't believe it,

Nick. In an unprecedented show of

good nature, Martha offers Sandra pre

fight appetizer. Well, Sandra could

definitely stand to eat something boring.

Sandra, they're good.

Wow, that girl can eat.

Hey, where's the wine bits?

Actually, this occasion calls for

champagne. Ohh, emphasis

on pain. It's the old champagne. I

mean a vintage move by Martha Stewart.

It looks like that bottle of bubbly

went straight to Sandra's head.

Hasn't anyone ever told you

not to talk with your

mouthful? Ohh look at this,

I've spilled champagne all over

this tasteful throw rug.

No, one thing that I've always found

to be absorbent is a handful of

hair from a skunky *****. Ohh. Sandra's

back in this fight, Johnny, And that's

not a loving spoonful in her hand.

Any truly refined woman would have used

the stabbing fork. Where's that it's

located?Next to

the spoon. Ohh my centerpiece.

Ohh are these yours? Wait,

those are fresh cut pink

panties from my garden. They

give the ring a spring

harvest smell. Take a whiff

of this spring harvest.

You demonstrate from hell.

No, not the Wedgewood China. Ohh, yes,

the Wedgewood China. It looks like Sandra

Bernhard is fishing out the domestic

violence now. Literally. Let me tell you,

there's nothing more beautiful than to

see two grown women pummel each other

by soft candlelight.

From now on, Martha might be doing her

entertaining from the ICU. Martha's not

done yet, Nick. She appears to have a

hot glue g*n at the ready. Hey Sandra,

I'm Martha Stewart super fly. Now I'm

going to show everyone how to make

Christmas ornaments just like mom used to

make. First we stick the body. To

a flat surface with unbearably hot

glue. Be sure to keep it

from squirming now. And there we

go. Hey Susie homemaker, nice blouse,

now get off my freaking arms.

Ohh, come on. Don't forget to

seal the constantly flapping gums.

Plunge your scoop directly into the

torso, making sure to dig out as

much as possible from the chest cavity.

It's a good thing. Unbelievable. Martha

is giving a ringside clinic on arts

and crafts. More like body parts and

crafts, Johnny. And now to paint it.

Watch the dribble there. And there you

have it. These Christmas ornaments make

great stocking stuffers. Just look at the

detail work on those ba*ls, right down to

Rudolph's Red Nose. I'm telling you,

seeing this kind of makes me think of

home. Finally, be sure to cut up your

leftovers and store them in airtight

containers. And don't forget to burp

them. Martha

Stewart is the winner.

It looks like most deadly accidents occur

in the home if Martha Stewart has

anything to say about it, Right, Nick?

Nick, that's correct. Johnny, how long

have you been down there? Stay tuned,

folks. We've got more celebrity slaughter

on tap after this. Answer my question.

How long have you been down there? I

don't like the laser. Money.

Welcome back to celebrity deathmatch in

our last fight, Sandra bernhardt

committed the ultimate faux pas against

Martha Stewart, so the deadly decorator

responded by conducting a how to. Click

on the joy of recycling Sandra's inners.

That fight was entertaining and

informative. Nick, while we're on the

subject of being informative, Johnny, I

have a piece of information that I'd like

to convey to that little bits and or

******* that is burning a hole in my

retina with that laser pen. You are not

going to get away with it. I have people

scouring every corner of this arena for

you, and when we find out who you are. So

help me When we're done with you, you'll

have to use your asks for a dribble cup.

Do you hear me? Do you hear me? Easy.

Nick. This is a family show. Hey, look at

that. I must have scared him off. No, it

looks like he's. Sending Morse code. What

does it say? Eat me. Terminate with

extreme prejudice. Copy that. Sean Penn

is about to play the role of

a lifetime. Rolling to the bitter end

with Tom Hanks. In our main event,

our own Stacey Cornbread is in the

locker room spending time with the

troubled thespian. Stacey, I'm here with

Academy Award nominated actor Sean. I

don't talk to the press. Well, actually

I'm with Celebrity Deathmatch, said Get

the hell out of my face.

Thanks for that in-depth interview,

Stacey Stallion. Bionic Man, Do you read

me? This is bionic man. A Jackal

is out of the hen house. Bionic

man, I repeat, the very elderly Jackal

is out of the hen house. That's

a big 10. Four on that over

high 5. She's an old lady.

She had a laser pen, Johnny. A laser

pen. She knew what she was getting into.

Whatever you say, Nick. It looks like our

fighters are entering the ring. Here

comes Sean Penn. This man is definitely

not the lovable Stoner we remember from

Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Over the

years he's proven himself to be an expert

at pummeling paparazzi and that's Tom

Hanks being brought in from the opposite

corner. If you'll recall, the past six

months have not exactly been a box of

chocolates for this Forrest Gump star.

More like a four foot steel reinforced

box of pain. Johnny, this was a

self-imposed. Tile for Tom Hanks, an

effort to mold himself into a

bloodthirsty beast hell bent on

destruction. Did it work? We'll soon find

out. Tom Hanks looks

worse than he did at the end of Saving

Private Ryan. Private Ryan, he looks like

he just walked off the set of Quest for

Fire. All right, gentlemen, you both know

the rules. I want a good, clean fight.

Now let's get it on.

Look at Hanks. He's stalking Sean Penn

like some sort of crazed animal.

Let me just shake your hand, Sean Penn.

Your performance and you turn was

riveting. Just riveting. Aside from

looks, it doesn't seem like Tom Hanks has

changed one bit. He's still just as

good-natured and friendly as ever. Excuse

me for a second, will you, Sean?

Sorry, little guy.

What happened to your puffy double chin,

you Hollywood punk? Thanks for noticing I

lost all the love in the old love

handles. You know what I mean, no?

Sorry about that, Sean. Is your foot OK?

You know, I enjoyed your work in

Carlito's Way. You really stretched the

notion of who that character could be.

How about I stretched the notion of who

your freaking character could be? Well, I

suppose I'm game for anything. There was

just no beating that. Nice out of Tom

Hanks. He doesn't have a hurtful bone in

his body. If he continues at this rate,

he's not gonna have any bones left in his

body. Thank goodness. Ohh, that's thing

you're doing there that hurts. I'm not

knocking you personally, I'm just saying

who?

Sean Penn seems especially Moody tonight.

Yeah, apparently we were supposed to

charter a jet to fly his tube

socks out here. Ohh. You didn't have

to do that. I wanted to, you

mother. How about I cave your mother's

skull in?

Well, thanks, and please don't let that

whole Oscar thing get you down. What do

you mean by that? It really is an

honor just to be nominated. Ohh, it's

something wrong. Not taking

those left-handed compliments too. Well,

wait, Sean. Now let's get a picture

together. Yeah, you and I. You know,

before you snap my spine. Cheese dude.

I thought we learned this lesson last

week. I'm gonna

bust your head in like a pinata. Sean

Penn is a surly guy, and he definitely

does not like photography. That's very

insightful, Nick. Well, this doesn't seem

fair that that poor guy was trying to

make an honest wage. Like any other

decent American, the public has a right

to know about us. Ohh, we're

celebrities. No, we're more than

just celebrities, damn it. We're

role models.

Excuse me Sean, but I think this is

unacceptable. Get bent. No, you get bent,

bent and broken. Tom Hanks has forgotten

his manners and is breaking the legs of

Sean Penn like a king crab and a

seafood buffet. This star of Dead Man

Walking is not going to be walking

anywhere without. From major

reconstructive surgery.

And Sean Penney's spineless in Seattle

playlist as well. Johnny, at least that

red piece over there looks like a

spleen. Tom Hanks if the winner. Ohh,

wait, the shower sign. And so another

spectacular evening of deathmatch action

comes to a close. You said it,

Johnny, But before we go. Let's watch

as the old bat with the laser pen takes

a good shellacking out there on the curb.

We have a situation down here, bionic

man. Seems we can't find the laser pen on

her person. But that's impossible. She

was holding it up near her face. You mean

this? Is that an asthma inhaler? That's

affirmative. How do we proceed, bionic

man?Drive her out to Jersey? That's an

affirmative. Bionic man, I

didn't know you converted to Hindus. Shut

up, Johnny. Until next time. I'm Johnny

Gomez. And that was Nick Diamond saying

good fight, good night.