02x16 - The Prophecy

[bunniefuu]

Who will hang tough when 2 overweight TV

cops commit police brutality on each

other? Who will crack who up in a

savage brawl between two bizarre

comedians? Which silver screen sweetheart

will survive a running?The dreaded Dome

of Devastation. This ain't your parents

wrestling show, kids. This is Celebrity

Deathmatch. Hello again, everybody. I'm

Johnny Gomez. I'm Nick Diamond. And

helping out with tonight's commentary,

The Duke of Destruction, The President,

The Punishment. Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Thanks. They're meant to be here, folks.

Always a thrill to have you stone cold,

folks. If you like star-studded, ma'am,

we've got it by the truckload. Our first

fight pits portly powder king Dennis

Franz, star of NYPD Blue, against Hong

Kong hotheads Sam Ohang, star of martial

law. It's a grudge match of the

gruesomeness kind as these large. Law

enforcers go pound for pound to see

who is TV's toughest overweight Cops.

Yeah, boys.

Comic Steven Wright.

Rock star.

Should see me that she was, yeah.

Congratulations. And the sodas means?

Think about how much you loved it so much

the last time we just had a hose it

down and bring it back. It's the Dome of

devastation. Tonight it's Oscar winner

Gwyneth Paltrow against the Pixie of

punishment, Winona Ryder. They're

beautiful. Friendship has taken a turn

for the tragic and they're here to work

out their issues in the Dome.

Stacey, What the? I got here as fast as

I could. What's wrong? Are you hurt? We

need to cancel the show. We need to get

out of here. Cancel the show? What? Why?

This morning when I was having my lunch,

the most terrible thing happened. I

thought it was horrible.

What the Beware one of the

death match. People will die tonight.

You should get them to cancel

the show.

Cool out, lady. Yeah, I got

the mop. Ohh. Stacey, Ketchup can't

predict the future. You don't understand,

Nick. It was a prophecy. Someone

will die tonight on deathmatch. Stacey,

somebody dies every night on this

show. That's part of the fun.

OK, but. There was a prophecy, and

you must never ignore a prophecy.

What a fruit loop that hair dye is

seeping into a brain. Well, now it's time

to go ringside for the battle to be

TV's toughest overweight cup. In the red

corner, it's Dennis Franz, here to avenge

the death of his former NYPD Blue partner

Rex Schroeder. After Ricky died at the

hands of Sammo Hung's protege Gary

Coleman, Dennis held Samo responsible.

And now Dennis is gonna get his chance

to make SAMO NYPD Black and Blue. And

here comes Samo. Well, he weighs upwards

of £300. This martial arts master is

lighter on his feet than Christie

Yamaguchi. I think we can expect some

dazzling. Acrobatics from him tonight,

which means lethargic Dennis Franz is

gonna have to rely on his St. smarts to

win this fight. France has another

handicapped Johnny. I don't know why, but

referee Mills Lane just does not like

that man. To find out how these fighters

match up physically, let's check in with

Stone Cold Steve Austin and his fighter

facts. Johnny first thing to know about

Franz is that most of his weight is

concentrated below his rib cage. His

maxed out Rudy's Maximus gives his body

its distinctive pear shape. And since his

center of gravity is real friggin low

this week, Will may wobble, but he ain't

falling down. Sam O, meanwhile, has lean,

nimble legs. But his top half is covered

with Cellulite. This means he's top heavy

like a Kung Fu candy apple with arms.

A smart fighter will look to take him

out right at those skinny little friggin

legs. OK, gentlemen. While excessive

violence by members of law enforcement is

generally frowned upon, in my reading,

it's encouraged. Let's get it. Ohh.

OK, humpback, consider yourself busted.

Francis looking to draw first blood, but

look out, Dennis, that there's a Hong

Kong Billy club. Come and get some

more symbol that the man boy, that's

Samuel is a real whirlwind. France looks

helpless, Dennis. France having some

trouble with internal affairs. Tough

break. Cool Shaq, I'm taking you

downtown. I'll meet

you there, big assy donut guy. My gosh.

My God. Chilling forks. Hey, what the

freak is this? I thought you people

didn't use sports.

Dennis is just too slow and clumsy for

Samo. All kidding aside, he may be NYPD's

crew.

You don't speak English too good, but

maybe you'll understand. This hand taming

peace, this alternate thoughts, all this

forgiven. Too late for peace? Ask Peg.

Mass spread them before I tie your

Johnson into a square knot to send y'all

for a permanent dirt nap. Guess what the

hell?You think you're doing Dennis Franz?

Hey, Grandpa, do me a favor and mind your

own business. You listen to me. This is a

family show, and I will not tolerate that

kind of trash mouth or that firearm.

They'll hand it over, but hand your

shield, prove something like that again,

and you'll just qualify. Now let's get it

back on Mills Lane. No attempt to hide

his irrational hatred towards Dennis

Franz. That's OK, ****** ***. I don't

need that stuff. I got you where I want

you. My knees.

Ohh. There goes Sam's big caps.

What is Sammo up to? That's

disgusting. You can't do that. 28

GI Joe here. Come assemble. Unbelievable.

Sammo Hung is freed himself by

chewing through his own arm. What

a competitor, Dennis. Making progress.

But Samos hanging tough. So much for the

long arm of the law.

Ohh, somewhat text with a vicious

Singapore steamroller. Dennis Franz is

back on his feet and looking to

finish off Samo.

There he goes. Ohh. Samuel

is out. Damn it to hell. You soiled

my ring and his friend Dennis nailed him.

And Sam was nothing more than a sticky

stain on the canvas. Nick, Johnny, look

at the stain. Don't you see it on

the ring? The skull and crossbones is the

universal symbol of impending death. Once

you get it, you must never ignore a

prophecy. What is she talking about? Now

all I see is a puddle of blood,

the symbol for great death match action

unfortunately in his front as the winner.

Amazing stuff. Dennis France launches a

well timed super fly knocking Sammo Hung

out of the ring and out of this.

And best of all, we never had

to see his asss. Whoops. Hey, check

this out, Stacey. There's a face in

my spilled coffee. Ohh. My gosh, it's

Luke Perry.

Nick, I think your microphone has a short

in it. Ohh

my gosh, it's the

prophecy. Homemade.

Get your lemonade. Only a nickel,

Johnny. He could have been k*lled.

Who wants to sit on my

lap? Only a nickel. Hey, what?

Where am I, folks? We'll be

right back.

Well, even though, Nick.

It was like medical. Well.

Not get it?Justin Bieber.



each other in stitches. That's right

Johnny, these two crazy coaches are

mighty popular, although not with each

other. Chris Tucker's fast-paced delivery

is a stark contrast to the leisurely

comic style of Stephen Wright. Let's go

downstairs to referee Mills Lane for his

prefight instructions. OK, you too, zany?

I wonder what the hell is that?

It's a cow with antlers. No, no,

I think it's a moose. Nick, go

on. Moose. Hit the road. Get

unbelievable. Ohh. I'll take care of

this. What's the big deal? It's just

a harmless moose. And I suppose that's

just a harmless microphone.

Isn't that nice? Stone Cold is going to

lead that poor lost boost to safety. Hang

on, Nick. They say you should never pack

a moose into a corner or it'll attack.

And this guy's got twice the reach of

Stone Cold. He doesn't stand a chance,

Johnny. That motion is gonna k*ll him.

Damn that damn prophecy. Come on, Nick,

we've got to do something. You're right.

Go get him, k*ller. Hang on, Johnny.

Look, Stone Cold's back on his feet. He's

got the moves in an anchor lock. Sorry to

have to do this, old fella.

Cold, cold stunner. Incredible. And the

moose is out. Stone cold. You nearly

died. Are you OK? Hell, couldn't be

better, Stacey. Now let's see some real

fighters. But you must never ignore the

prophecy. In the red

corner slow talking stand up Steven

Wright this snail paced surrealist is of

the opinion that deadpan delivery is the

future of comedy. And in the blue

corner his opponent, fast-paced funny guy

Chris Tucker. Chris admits to being bored

to tears by Stevens. Existentialist humor

will slow. The steady prevail over Fast

and Furious. Let's find out in the battle

of the bizarre comedians. Now I don't

understand what's so damn funny, but

either one of you. But if you ever

seen Herman's head, now that's comedy.

Let's get it on.

Hey, Curly, Ask Curly man, Huh? What the

Hell's going on inside that ball, Fizzy

Astronaut McDonald looking fuzzy ball

that's heading y'all, huh? Well, that

reminds me of this schizophrenic guy I

know who got in an argument with himself.

They stopped speaking to each other

entirely and so he was cured.

Yeah, what the what the hell you talking

about man? Why you Ronald McDonald

looking turn? Chris Tucker is fast and

furious in the ring as he is on stage.

Steven Wright better stop joking and

start poking.

Yeah, check this out here, man, Jackie

Chan told me these.

Pizza.

Hey, did he really teach you that or did

you just copy it from him, Huh? What's

that you say? What's that now? Trump

******** sucker basketball head punk,

huh? Yeah, like the way you copied

everything Chris Rock ever did. Chris.

What? Ain't no thank you.

The pumpkin head thief calling son of

a basket sucker. Chump. Chump. What? Oh,

oh, oh oh, you broke my hand.

Had the weirdest idea.

You mother sucker truck ********. Come

on. Ohh. Where the hell is it?

What is Steven up to?

Is that what I think it is? No question

about it. The small cashew shaped piece

of tissue is Chris Tucker's adrenal

gland. It controls Chris's fight or

flight response as well as his comedic

style. Bottom line guys, it's something

no fighter can kick asss without. What'd

you do that for? Give me that back.

Thanks for the glam baby.

Not so funny now am I? Am

I? How's this feel? And this. And

here's one for your rib cage.

Johnny, these two have reversed roles

completely. Ohh, Steven might have a

little too much adrenaline. You man

body.

Now give me back my glasses.

Wow.

This reminds me of a dream

I had. No way that wasn't

me. This mean I win.

Chris Tucker is the winner. Yeah, that's

cool, but I need that layer back in

my head. Or my career's history. Where

the hell my damn land that, huh? What

a crazy, wonderful fight. Steven Wright

was a surprise turn around. Gets turned

around himself. Johnny, something's wrong

with Mills. Ohh, no. I recognize those

symptoms. Stomach cramps, redness in the

face, smoke coming out of the ears. What

does it mean, Nick? I hate to say

it, but it looks to me like SHC.

SHC spontaneous human combustion. Stacey

was right. I'm afraid Mills is gonna

blow. We've got to do something. Go help

them out, Johnny. What about

you? No, I'm allergic to

what explosions.

It's the prophecy you must never ignore

prophecy Those paramedics had better

clear out. Spontaneous human combustion

has been known to knock out entire

city blocks. Take it away. Get out

of there. He's gonna blow.

Sorry about all the commotion folks, just

some egg salad came back to haunt me.

Folks, I guess Bills got lucky. I've

never seen such violent jazz. Me neither.

The time has come for our main event,

winneth Paltrow against Winona Ryder.

Folks, Once Upon a time these two ladies

were the best of friends. Always having

tea parties together are some kind of

crap. But one day while they were hanging

out at Winona's place, Gwyneth was

flipping through a script. Left out on

the coffee table. Shakespeare in Love.

Gwyneth stole it right out from under

her. Ohh, I'm sorry. Go ahead, finish

your story. Yeah, you just did. Well,

whether or not Gwyneth actually stole the

lead role from Winona, I guess we'll

never know. But Winona must be pisssed

Gwyneth won an Academy Award for it.

Well, as I understand it, Johnny. The tea

parties have stopped and here come our

fighters. Look at that, guys. Gwyneth is

dressed in. Costume. She's going to run

her success in Winona's face. Your head's

going in a box again, bit it's going

in a box. And there's Wenona, who appears

to have a grunge thing happening.

And now it's time to bring up the

real star of tonight's show, the Dome of

Devastation.

Hey, Noni, you like my dress? I like

it more when I'm tearing it to pieces.

Nick, I believe we have the makings of

our own Shakespearean tragedy, and

tonight the Dome is better and fatter

than ever. Hedge Clippers, snow tires,

skateboards. Anything we could find

laying around the deathmatch garage, It's

all attached to the walls of the Dome

Hill. That ought to kick it up a notch.

Let's go to ringside. OK, little Missy. I

don't know what happened in that

apartment, but I do know it was a truly

uplifting film. Who knew Shakespeare

could be so much fun? Let's get it out.

I've just got to tell you, I met

the coolest guy the other day. His name

is Oscar. Although now that I think about

it, you're probably not his type.

back-to-back low blows from Gwyneth and

the fighting hasn't even begun. Listen,

Scab, only my friends call me Noni. You

call me Winona. How about I call you

An?Ambulance instead winneth Paltrow,

dipping into action with the weed wacker.

She's gonna try and make Shannon's hair

even shorter. Bits. Why'd you call me?

I called you a bite and a

bee list pitch at that. Ohh. Wait.

Beautiful costume. Do you know what

you've done? This cost a fortune. Isn't

that half ***** dye job? But I am

a natural blonde. Not for long. Ohh, my

beautiful golden locks. Now I look like

you. You aren't. Has a hole. Why don't

you do a few more gratuitous nude scenes?

You highbrow hoe bag, that's what. No,

no. What? A little pepper pot? Yeah, she

may look. Love Johnny, but she can't

weigh more than $1.10 soaking wet. I

am not a whole bag when it

takes to the motorized skateboard. Thank

you choosing that lacrosse stick

fragmental jousting action.

But Winona counters with a cat

of DW50. Ohh. Should have done

this a long time ago. She's

using that copy of the Shakespearean

love script to any Gwyneth career

once and for all the irony.

Ohh, I'm nasty. Paper cut for Gwyneth?

We don't know how painful those can be.

What? No, not going for the hedge

Clippers. Boy, these gals seem to be

favoring the gardening tools tonight.

It's no wonder I love the outdoors. Hey

Gwyneth, Edward Scissorhands got rave

reviews too. You know, I seem to have

forgotten all about that non Oscar

winning. Film, let me refresh your

memory.

I don't know what Gwyneth thinks she's

going. You can run in this Dome but

you can't hide. Gwyneth has escaped from

the Dome. It's a death match 1st and

there goes Winona death match second.

Incredible. The 2 girls are entranced in

a deadly game of King of the Mountain.

Stole my. Wow, how could you? I could

have an Oscar right now. I could be

making 10 million a picture. Go back to

your community hippie. Leave the movie

making to the real starlet.

Apologize to me and get me a

role in the sequel. Go to hell.

What the hell? What known as prior

from the top of the dough? But

that's impossible. What is she up to?

Last chance to apologize.

Goodbye. No. Oh

my God. OK,

OK, I apologize.

Winona Ryder is the winner. Incredible.

Winona Ryder with a come from behind

victory. I can't believe she pried open

the Dome and I can't believe we're

all still alive. So much for Stacey

and her stupid prophecy. I wonder where

it coming.

Charlie Stone Cold. I'm here, Nick.

Seems there's been a horrible plane

crash. Where's Johnny? Johnny. Johnny.

Johnny. Johnny. Where are you, man?

I'm here. I'm here. Ohh. Johnny.

Thank God you're. Right. And thank

God that damned prophecy was wrong. You

know, Stacey, you really freaked us out

with that. Sorry about that, guys. It

sure looked like a prophecy of death.

But I guess the stress of my

ongoing contract negotiations is clouded

my perceptions. Are

you OK? Don't sweat it kid. It's

just gas. Come on and let loose

for us. Ohh, Spacey.

What are you doing? Spontaneous human

combustion. I guess she was right

all along. Poor Stacy. I get

her parking space.