02x20 - High-Tech Fighting

[bunniefuu]

Two fitness gurus exercised their right

to beat each other senseless. Cash flow

turns to blood flow in the $1,000,000

matchup that will leave 1 contestant

permanently in the red and Hollywood's

foot. This tempos go head to head

in a high tech hullabaloo tonight, Don

Celebrity Deathmatch. Hello everyone. I'm

Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond, but

you can call me Mario Andretti. What an

evening of All Star carnage we have for

you tonight, folks. Johnny, you're not

going to believe the graphics on this

baby. I was just cruising the information

superhighway in a virtual Ford Mustang

and let me tell you, it looked and felt

just like the real thing, right down to

the four speed automatic clutch. Nick,

you want to tell the home audience what's

so special about tonight's main event?

Absolutely, Johnny. We here at Deathmatch

usually spare no expense to bring. To

heart pounding, heart pounding and gut

wrenching. Gut wrenching. And from the

looks of this equipment, tonight appears

to be no exception. Honestly, I'm

surprised the producers sprung for this.

Actually, Johnny, they didn't. But in

order to bring you fine folks another

celebrity death match television first,

yours truly was more than happy to pony

up the dough. At least the incredible

Infotech VR2000 series virtual reality

supercomputer. Wow, how much is this

setting you back, Nick? Ohh, just pennies

per second really. The only tough part

was raising the 60 grand for the security

deposit, but it'll all be worth it to

watch the cyber slaughter we have in

store for you when tonight's headliners.

Throw down and Furtula reality. That's

right folks, Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves

will be doing some high res head bashing

to see who's truly the sexiest man alive

and who will be the sexiest man date.

But before that we have some good old

fashioned analog asss whooping a battle

Royale between the Donna Boxing, Don King

and the. New York City, Donald

Trump. Will King Trump Trump or will

Trump be the king? Either way, we're in

for some high class k*lling. But hang on

to your sweat socks, kitties, because

we're ready for our first fight of the

night. Survival of the fittest, ladies

and gentlemen. Hitting the red corner.

The man who put the thrust in squat.

Trusts Richard

Simmons.

I love you. Ohh you're all so beautiful

on the inside. We love you.

And in the blue corner,

the Picasso of martial artists.

The Typo, Titanic. Billy Blanks.

You're nothing blank. I've made thousands

of pounds disappear, and I'm gonna do the

same to you, upstart. Bring it on, Tiny

Dancer. Folks. The fighters are ready to

begin, but it looks like we have a little

snafu. You put something on over those

Daisy Dukes, Mr. Fancy Pants. This is a

family show. You should try them. They're

really quite liberating you. Ohh just get

it on.

Colin. Two and

three and four.

Simmons comes out ready to do some

fighting to the oldies, but blank switch

him away like a fat September house fly.

Dear Richard, let me show you how Taibo

can really lift your spirits.

Wow, hey come on man. Ohh my goodness

that is not a pretty sight. You people

at home can be thankful we have a



Sunshine, go to your corner and get

yourself under control.

Umm.

Ohh, they mean deathmatch machines are

back on. You're going

down like a protein shake.

Richard Wilson asked Master with the

vicious resolve of a man who's had one

wedgie too many. Ohh, got the wheel at

you. I got to wait.

For Resnikoff Simmons, providing a

painful example of the inherent dangers

of gimmicky faired exercise equipment.

Same thing happened to me once,

right? Yeah, you know it this

time. Ouch. Been there before.

Now you've done it, Blanks face the wrath

of the best selling weight loss system in

the nation.

What are you going to play cards? I would

advise you to fold.

Wait a minute, what's Simmons doing with

that meal card? That's not just any meal

card. It's the elusive Hot Fudge Sunday

card that's like the Holy Grail to those

dizzy dieters. First one to k*ll blanks

gets one of these babies.

Play him, my slovenly minion. Not now.

Hold on fellas, I know you want that

card, but there's another way. Taboo way.

Tibo can make you slimmer, stronger and

more popular with girls. Don't listen to

him if you want the Carter. What? He

may have you under his control, but how

about learning?Hello, Did somebody

say ice cream? Self-esteem. Hot fun

discipline. Franco, With Tybo, you

developed the kind of metabolism unless

you eat hot food Sundays anytime you

want. Look, guys, it's easy. Come on,

try it. No, guys, don't. Please don't

listen to him, you fat. Making

more ***** that's right. Work it,

work it looking good guys. Feel

the burn, feel the power. Tibo,

Tibo. You want meals? I've got

got got, I've got shake. Swedish

people.

That's enough for today, boys. How you

feeling leaning me like I could kick

asss? Well, how about testing your new

table bodies by kicking his asss? Please

guys, I'm sorry I called you those

things. 1-2 and three and four. We're

gonna pound you into gore. Those dieters

are going to town on Richard Simmons.

They've obviously swallowed a lot of

aggression. OK, now it's time for the

master to show you the tie ball. Body

sculpting, finishing move.

Well, we've all been wondering what the

heck Tybo means, and apparently it means

tying your opponent in above.

The winner is Billy Blanks and Tybo. Can

I get one of your tape? You know, for

the misses?Boy, is

Richard going to be sore from that

workout in the morning. Good thing for

him, he'll never see another morning.

Yes, but on a serious note, Celebrity

Deathmatch would like to remind you that

you should always consult your physician

before embarking on any new weight loss

program.

Welcome back, Death fans. If you just

tuned in, you missed the most radical

crash diet of the decade. Using his

innovative TYBO technique, Billy Blanks

helped Richard Simmons achieve dramatic

weight loss. Results in just one session

and now he's in the best shape of his

life. Too bad it's in the shape of a

pretzel. You know, Johnny,

through the magic of the VR2000, I took a

quick little virtual shower during the

commercial break and I am fresh as a

Daisy smell. I don't think so, and I've

just finished a copy of Yes I Can in

the fantastic virtual library. Johnny,

It's just like reading a real book. I

can't wait to show the. Folks at home,

the excitement of this incredible cutting

edge technology will. You'll have to

because it's time for our second slugfest

of the night. It's no secret that Donald

Trump and Don King on millionaires. And

it's no secret that these two capitalists

are in direct competition for those big

boxing bucks. And we all know how fast

friendly competition. In turn, ugly, as

evidenced by the surveillance camera

footage caught at a recent heavyweight

title bout. What the

hell? What's this turnstile doing here?

Who puts this in? Donald? Tickets,

please. Tickets. My asss done. I don't

need a ticket. This is my Trump hotel

and casino. That's why it says Trump on

the front of the building. Ohh, yes, I

know. But this here's a Don King

production. It's fitness, Donald. You

understand So. That'll be

for you. Let's

say $14,000.

Give me a large popcorn for

the lady. Sure Donald, that'll be

$350.00.

$750, please.

OK.

Who will be the world's richest boxing

enthusiast? We're about to find out.

Well, it sounds like the King has entered

the arena, Johnny. He sure knows how to

put on a good show. And what an

appropriate song. After all, only in

America can a convicted k*ller go on to

become a millionaire, and only on

deathmatch can a millionaire go. Going to

become a k*ller with conviction. Now.

Now. Don King's criminal past is past.

These days. He's a changed man. Let's

hope not too changed Johnny. It's his

prison record that's made him the 40 to



not to be outdone, here comes Donald,

encased in an exact replica of the

famous Trump Tower. And ohh, he's off

to a bumpy start. You're both fired.

Incidentally, folks, Donald Trump is

responsible for donating the fine new

rings he'll be fighting in tonight.

That's right, we're looking at solid 24.

Garrett Gold. Why have I had just one

cubic inch of that ring? I'd never have

to work again. Go for it. I'm gonna

drop you like my ex-wife King. By the

way, nice hair. Look who's talking. You

may be a big developer, but you need

to develop yourself a new dude. OK,

gentlemen, you can't buy. The way out of

a death match. So let's get it on.

There's a little move I call the

Trump Widowmaker. Heck, excuse me, but

are you forgetting who I hang with?

Do the names Muhammad Ali, Larry Holmes

and Mike Tyson mean anything to you?

I call this one the Rumble and the Bong

Hole. No backup butterflies.

Ohh, sing like a beat. Looks like all

that power has gone to Trump's head. Ohh.

Now when you look at this flagrant

plagiarism city, as if the black man

hasn't suffered enough contrition at the

hands of the white man, you got to

go on and steal my trademark graffito.

Well, I float like Alone and Sting like

an audit punk putting his money where

King's mouth is and now he's going to

finish him off. But wait, apparently

someone has stolen a few of those gold

ropes. Hey, don't look at me, I was here

the whole time. Trump is up, but he

better look out. Treating

Trump about as well as he treats his own

fighters. The Donald could be in trouble.

Ohh, now this is just the kind of rampant

in personality that's going to make me

have to engage in some pickle hazing of

your asininity. Stop making up words, you

sleazy con man. From showing King what he

knows about the art of. Let's come

back. He's driving King back towards

the turnbuckle. But wait, there goes

the turnbuckle. Somebody calls security.

It's about that time.

What's King up to now?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm afraid that

did it. Why Donald Trump's mutations

battering has done me in. Ohh. I'm

not sure, Nick, but I think, yes,

I think Don King is taking a

dive at 40 to 1 odds. It

looks like King's bet against himself for

the big money. Like playing Possum King.

This is celebrity death match. You're not

out till you're dead. Dead what? Wait a

minute. Hey, I thought this match was

just a figure of specialization. Why?

This is a flagrant travesty of reality.

One of us, merchant of my upper motor

mouth. You want to throw this fight? I've

got the penthouse suite ready for you at

the Trump. Better for the permanently

dead.

Whoa, what a mouthful, even for Don

King. That's definitely gonna leave the

bitter after taste of defeat.

Donald Trump is the winner. Of course I

am. I'm filthy rich now. Does anyone know

how to get Don King out of virgin wool?

So it looks like Don King took a fall for

the short money but got handed the long

goodbye. The only cash he'll be seeing

from this fight are the coins they put

over his eyes at the funeral.

Hey, hey, hey, look at that rerun dance,

Johnny. What a talent. It's like he's on

a television right here in the room with

us. Ohh, yeah, you were right, Nick.

What's happening? Repeats are a lot more

exciting in cyberspace. You're just in

time for our main event. It's television

history in the making airs. For the first

time ever, we will be broadcasting from

inside cyberspace courtesy of the

Infotech VR series 2000 Virtual Reality

supercomputer. Why virtual reality, you

ask? And why tonight? Well, folks, to be

perfectly honest, while Brad Pitt, Keanu

Reeves may be the sexiest man in

Hollywood. Their personalities are dull

as driftwood, $15 million a picture

walking totem poles. Pit doesn't even

have a catch phrase, for Pete's sake. No

doubt about it. These two all beef

patties needed some special sauce, but

bad. So to spice things up, I personally

tore a page from the Matrix and spent a

small fortune to make this fight. For

real blockbuster. Now I can't even

program my VCR. So explain how this will

work, Nick. Well Johnny, Brad and Keanu's

brains and bodies are jacked into the

VR2000 system, so anything that happens

to them inside cyberspace will physically

affect them here in the real world. You

mean like this how exactly, Johnny?And

they'll be provided with any weapons they

want simply by contacting me via special

communicators and requesting them. The

only thing limiting these two are their

imaginations. God help them, the fighters

are hooked up, they're in their chairs,

and they're about to log on to the

cruelest website of all. So let's take

our first step into the. 21st century

and make television history.

Diano looking pretty confident as the

fights are about to begin. He should be

Johnny. Those virtual reality movies he's

been in are bound to pay off in here

even more than they did at the box

office. Pop quiz a hole. You're on my

turf and there's no way out. What do you

do?Best Johnny Moronic. Ohh,

yeah, well, you showed up too, you

guy who was in seven. Don't hurt

yourself there, son. The fight ain't even

begun yet. OK, Mario Brothers, let's get

it out.

Y'all like Franzone

Private Idaho's awesome.

Totally awesome.

Slippery Giano. Hey dude.

Nick, give me a handgun. Coming right

up. Whoa.

Nick, I don't think that's what Chiano

meant. Effective nonetheless, Johnny. But

it'll take more than that to stop

a tough guy like Brad Pitt. Give

me a g*n. A bigger one than

his. A magnum or something. Magnum.

Right. Gotcha. All right, Kiani prepared

to. What the hell, dude?This is a

guy from Hawaii 5 O. Yeah.

Give me a normal g*n, you twisted

fruit. Slow down, slow down, fruit, you

said. Alright, whatever.

And Giano catches the magic cherry. What

is that mean, Nick? It means Brad Pitt

and serious trouble. What? What the

Hell's this place all about? I'm used to

Atari. Nothing fit

into a whole new dimension of pain.

Man, this is stupid. I'm getting my ****

kicked by frigging Pac-Man. I'm out of

here. Hey, deathmatch dude,

give me a chainsaw. Chainsaw. Finally,

something simple. You got it.

Keanu getting ready to carve right up

like a suckling pig at a luau.

Ohh, piano's down.

What the heck is going on here? Gianna's

getting his **** kicked, but by who?

Somebody called tech support. There seems

to be a glitch in this program. What the

dude? Nick, Look, holy smokes, Brad Pitt

is way off script on this one. He's

taking this fight out of virtual reality

and sent it straight into reality.

Reality. Well, somebody. To tell Keanu,

snap out of it, son, it's kicking your

**** back in the real world. But I'm

winning, dude. He's down.

They were. This is total bogus.

Ness morning brown eyes.

Gianna, who's going to be feeling

Minnesota after this meeting? Hang on,

Johnny, that blow may have knocked him

back into reality and back into this

flight. A spectacular move

by Gianna. This sudden jump to the small

screen could k*ll Brad's film career. It

looks like this fight is over. Hold on,

looks like Pit is pulling the old

transform into a being of pure energy.

And Mills with the computer circuitry

move. He's still in this fight. How did

Keanu not see that one coming?

Ohh ohh. Giano looks

like he's starting. That's

a little more information

than he needed. Pop

quiz Joe Black. He's

dancing on your brain.

What do you do?

Get out of my brain electric dude.

Oh oh, Antiano Reeves

closes top. But wait,

Brad Pitt still trapped

inside Nick sprinted computer.

Keanu Reeves and Spanish, they went

around. It looks like

Keanu Reeves is the clear loser, along

with the Infotech VR2000. Hey, you did

ensure that thing, didn't you Nick? No,

that cost extra. So, like, God, man, what

were you thinking? But you always said

insurance is like legalized gambling,

Johnny. Geez, Nick, you should know

better than to listen to me when I'm

drunk. I don't think you're getting that

deposit back buddy. Ohh they they weren't

supposed to really fight for celebrity

death match. This is Johnny Gomez saying

good fight, good night.