03x01 - Deathbowl 2000

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen and death Match fans

across the world, ***** ** your dribble

vids and bolt down the furniture. Let's

get her ready to death.

Hello everybody. I'm Johnny Goldman. And

I'm Nick Diamond. And welcome to

Death Poll 2000, or as we

call it around here, D2K.

We're talking millennial mayhem, historic

hurt, pain without precedent. There's

going to be some apocalyptic ask kicking

in this, Our 38th annual Death Bowl,

is set at Johnny Tonight. We've brought

together the world's greatest athletes to

show America's youth the true meaning of

sports. It's not about endorsements or 7.

Take your salaries. No, kids sports

should be about one thing and one

thing only. Extreme and grotesque

violence. The thrill of the deception,

the agony of decapitation. So here it

is, our salute to the savagery of

sport. First up, golf. Great Tiger Woods

tries to permanently handicapped tennis

Titan Andre Agassi. One thing's for sure,

this will not be a love game. Then,

in our incredible main event, Sammy Sosa

goes to the plate against archrival Mark

McGwire. Watch these two sluggers try to

inflict some Major League damage on each

other. You know what they say, rectums

were made to be broken, and there's one

more superb athlete we've recruited.

Tonight's mega event, fresh off her

impressive 28th place finish in the

Olympic Archery Trials, it's Gina Davis.

This multi talented actress has been

running all day and now she's about to

enter the arena where she'll light the

Death Valley ternal flame with a flaming

arrow and release the doves of peace.

Wow, real doves. That must have cost

a fortune. And now here to kick

off our D2K festivities, please give a

big deathmatch. Welcome to our very own

Torch maiden, Gina Davis.

The folks. I'm sure Gina Davis will be

with us any minute now, but in the

meantime, let's get right to our first

fight. A lot of Death Match fans have

expressed the opinion that golf and

tennis players are a bunch of Country

Club ***** waste. Tiger Woods and Andre

Agassi wanna prove you wrong. It's the

w*r. Ohh, washy sports. These guys are

as thirsty for blood as they are

for fancy bottled water. But the big

question is who gets home turf advantage?

To help us decide, here's gymnastics

superstar Kerri Strug with the deathmatch

toss. Cooler in the air, Andre.

I think I broke my **** shakes,

tailed it in, undressed the winner.

Match anyone? While the ring is outfitted

to Andres specifications, we've got good

news about our opening ceremonies. I'm

told we've made contact with Torch maiden

Gina Davis. Where are

you, Gina? Where does it look like I am?

I'm in the damn desert. What happened? A

few things went wrong. OK, but I'm not

gonna let this be the archery trials all

over again. This time I'm gonna make it.

Even if I did get bit by a freaking

scorpion. All right, Gina, you just take

your time. Damn it, Johnny. I'm not

clumsy. Bimbo is ruining Death Bowl. Get

a hold of yourself, Nick, folks. Those

opening ceremonies will have to wait a

little longer, but right now our first

fighters are ready to tango in the

Red Corner. The Wimbledon warrior. The

terror of topspin Andre Agassi.

In the blue corner, the

deadly duffer, the roughest man

in the rough. Tiger Woods.

Agassi Tiger, I hope you're wearing your

tin cups. Let's get it on.

Umm, let's see now the three iron

could splatter Andres brains nicely. On

the other hand, the five wood might

be suitable to drive his nuts into

his sphincter. But then again, sorry

Tiger didn't mean to break your

concentration advantage agency.

Time to take you to tennis camp,

Tiger. Here's how you hit a forehand.

This is a backhand. There goes Tigers

kneecap. In my specialty,

the slice. Wait. Yeah. Ohh. Steak fries,

anyone? Oh my God, Tiger. Off to a

painfully sluggish start. That relaxed

pace may fly at Pebble Beach, but slow

and steady doesn't win the death match.

Alright, Agassi, feast your eyes on my

new Golf bag, the Auto Caddy 9000.

Give me my lucky 7 iron.

I got it. I got it.

Ohh. Mind

if I take a whack at

this golf thing? Ohh, first you

gotta tear up, right? Then if

I'm not mistaken, you take your

backswing. Gore. Wow, he got all

of that one.

Look, everybody, I am Tiger Woods.

I am Tiger Woods. Hey, that's

my line. Ask monkey. Accuracy,

Controlling that eyeball and controlling

this fight, right, Agassi? Your tennis

whites are about to get good

and red.

Air conditioning is from the South today,

so I'll have to beat your asss a

little to the left. Tiger Woods always

thinking about the long game. Is mapping

out his strategy a risky gambit? Enough

of this namby pamby golf crab. Let's get

back to tennis.

Andres got tiger right where he

wants him. He's putting in his

hands. Ohh, you serve from legacy.

Great footwork there. Someone called the

Humane Society. This is 1 endangered

tiger. Out,

out. You got to be kidding me. Buy

some bifocals, Grandpa. Son, I like your

***** and your hairdo. What? One more

outburst like that and you forfeit this

deathmatch. Savvy called by Mills Lane.

That shot was clearly out. Let's look at

the instant replay on our D2K splatter

Cam. Man almighty,

it appears Tiger Woods has pulled her

hostage from the crowd. Tiger is known

for his incredible 11th hour comebacks.

Could this be one of them? Hey, Andre,

how do you like my secret weapon? I call

it the Brooke Shield. I know we're

divorced, Andre, but you wouldn't hit me

with a tennis racket, would you? No, I'd

never hit. A

move.

Brooke Shields is down. It's a dark day

for the art of situation comedy.

Angrezi tennis player, but this looks

more like squash. Call her suddenly Rd.

k*ll.

Really.

Champion Tiger Woods now facing sudden

death. He's struggling to hang on. Hey,

can I have some quiet please? I'm trying

to kick this guy's *****. Too late,

chief. Your asss is mine and I hope

it's hungry.

Legacy is devastating. Tiger Woods with a

tennis ball cannon lookout. Johnny, I

think he's got it. He's got it.

Game set Deathmatch.

Splendid match. Better luck next

time chief. The winner is

Agassi.

What an uncharacteristic finish for Tiger

Woods. He was totally out Deathmatch and

Andre Agassi proves that tennis is the

least worthy of the wussy sports. Our

salute to the savagery of sport will

continue when we continue.

Welcome back five fans to Death Poll



the love of the maim? It's been a while

since we've checked with our official

Deathmatch torch maiden by this time. We

should definitely be approaching the

arena or else. So here she is,

Miss Tina Davis. Gina. Gina, where are

you? Keep your pants on, guys. I'm

getting there. I'm going to like that

torch if it's the last thing I

do. Taxi,

taxi.

That damn woman better get it together,

Johnny. Those doves are getting restless

through a little slack, Nick. She's

having a tough day. Not as tough as the

day I had when I rented Cutthroat Island.

And not to worry, folks, our producers

are prepared for just such an emergency

situation. We pulled a fight from the

Deathmatch archive. Ohh, Johnny who? Two

legendary football stars. Joe Nameth

versus OJ Simpson. Alright, this is gonna

be great. Hey Johnny, how long does

it take OJ to screw in a

light bulb? No OJ jokes tonight, Nick.

This one took place in 1973, long

before that whole unpleasantness in

Brentwood. Ohh yeah, when we were

all young and innocent and thin.

Roll tape.

Hello everybody, I'm Johnny Gomez.

Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch, also

known as the Wide World of

bloodshed. Tonight, get ready for some

very unnecessary roughness. Prepare for

some cut throat competition. We've got

football superstars OJ, the Juice Simpson

and Broadway. Bruce Jenner assigned

these guys are the most talented and

popular athletes in sports today. Tonight

we answer the question, who's the best

loved football player of them all? And

we're honored tonight to have a special

guest commentator. Thank you, Nick and

Johnny. This is how it goes South. It's

a privilege for this. Wanted to be

here at what promises to be a

sensational contest between two

gladiators of the gridiron. I am with

me, Joe Namath, quarterback for the New

York Jets. Joe, your thoughts on the

impending skirmish? Well, hard. I'm just

looking forward to beating the juice to

a pulp. And getting on with my career in

show business. In fact, next week, I'm

going to be on the Brady Bunch. Now I'm

going to be even bigger than Klinger.

Well, good luck to you. And now let's

talk to a man who can do no wrong in

the eyes of his fans. Oh, Jay Simpson.

Hey, baby, how about a little huddle at

my place later?Excuse me, Juice,

You've already carved out a place in

football history. What do you hope to

accomplish tonight? Well, Howard, I'm

just excited to take a stab at

defeating Weber. Great cubbies in the

game. Hey, baby, want to see my

husband? You are quite the lady k*ller,

OJ. Guilty as charged. Back to you,

Nick and Johnny. Could go either way on

Nick. I don't know, Johnny. I think the

jury's still out on this one. And now it

looks like they're ready to kick off the

carnage down at the ring.

What's the matter? Son's clothes don't

fit? How about you just use your bare

hands like the rest of us? Whatever.



get it on.

And this Ruby far out fight is

on impressive face mask by Joe Neiman.

As you would expect, Mills Lane has

pulled out the yellow flag.

Damn allergies. Showed

me that was clearly a penalty.

Brilliant move from the juice. Brilliant.

I'd say more like a travesty. I've never

seen such LAX officiating work in all my

career. OJ goes for the sticks. Let's see

how you measure up, pretty boy.

Obj's incapacitating yet another

opponent. He obviously knows his way

around sharp objects. Another flagrant

violation. I am appalled and chagrin,

but this is death match. There

are no rules here. You mean

OJ Simpson gets off Scott free?

That's right Howard, only in America.

Here's me, and here's Joe. I slashed

to the right, cut to the left.

This isn't going to tear you apart

like possum on pie day. I guarantee

it. Got OJ on the

run. He's setting him up and he plays one

in the cornfield. This one ain't in the

flavor juice. That's

what I call a

handoff. Rapacious rushing from

the juice.

Look at that cloud. Ohh. Jay really is

beloved. There's one thing you can say

about that guy. He's never gonna k*ll 2

innocent people and pretend he was in

Chicago. You'll name it. Isn't serious

Farrell. Does he have the gumption to

make a comeback and eviscerate his

opponent once and for all? Four down,

Joe. Yo what that means? Time to punt.

Sudden death for Joe Namath. That jet

is taking his final flight.

OJ Simpson is the winner. What? I didn't

do it. You. You got the wrong guy.

I'm 100% not the winner. It's alright,

son. This is death match. You're allowed

to k*ll people. No, it wasn't me. I

was out for a burger. This cut on

my finger. That's from shaving. I was

shaving my finger. I. Now to find the

real winner if it takes me the rest of

my life. I'll be right back.

OJ Simpson strangely humble following the

homicidal victory. Coming up next on

MTV, an exclusive interview with Welcome

Back Kotter superstar Arnold Horshack.

Fantastic fight, Johnny. Yes, OJ

acquitted himself quite nicely back in a

minute with our main event.

Welcome back to school

fans 2D2K.

Good news everyone. During the commercial

break, our torch maiden Gina Davis

informed us that she is at long

last on her way in. So now

we proudly present our spectacular

opening ceremonies, beginning with the

lighting of the D2K torch and the

ceremonial releasing of the Deathmatch

Pigeons Doves of Peace. Geena Davis,

ladies and gentlemen. Good heavens. She's

barely alive. I made it. I made

it. Let the ceremonies begin. Give it

up. Gina. You're in no condition to

be our torch maiden. You need to

go to the hospital. No. No, please.

I can do it. I can do

it.

Nick

No. What's the matter,

Johnny? Would you OK? No, I'm not

OK. We just got jipped out of

our opening ceremonies. Folks, it

appears Gina Davis's arrow has not hit

any vital organs. You hear that weird

buzzing? Maybe it's just as well things

didn't work out. Those doves of peace

have been cooped up so long they're

getting vicious. And now, without further

ado, it's time for the Deadpool 2000 Main

Event. Sammy Sosa slugs it out with Mark

McGwire. We know what you're thinking

enough about those two meatheads and

their Home Run Derby. Yes, tonight, so,

said McGuire. Fight for a far more

impressive record. Most broken bones in a

celebrity deathmatch. Shattering,

splintering, chipping, hairline

fractures. It's all good, but it won't

be easy, Nick. Fiona Apple. Towards the

current record after slugging it out with

John Popper. Well, if anyone could do

even more damage, it's these two heavy

hitting heroes. Looks like our fighters

are stepping up to the plate right

now, McGuire. So Sir, remember in

deathmatch, nobody's ever safe. Now play

ball.

And they come out swinging.

A Big Mac attack, Mark McGuire crushes 2

bones in Samy's upper arm to take a

commanding lead. Nothing personal, dude.

You know, I think you're a great

competitor. Right back at you, man.

For hitting from Sammy Sosa Senior

Sosa, you're an inspiration for your

people. So Soft pulls into the

lead with an impressive 5 RBI.

That's ribs bashed in. What's McGuire

reaching for Johnny?

Delicious and nutritious. I believe

those are protein supplements. Those

strongly discouraged. They are legal

under death match bylaws. I'll

allow it. Yeah. Yeah.

Sammy Sosa's shoulder is going going.

It's out of here. Connector Mundo.

We'll see that for sale on

eBay. Base

hit by Sammy Sosa, he's stealing second

heading for home and he turns Mcguire's

head into a meat sandwich. Sosa is



human foot contains 42 bone. Matt better

find a strikes out of his own

and soon. This also gets

some great wood on that torso.

Looks like it's time from Macy's Little

Helper.

That's better.

Pops up, so says spleen socias

going back back back from Amazing

catch by Sammy Sosa. McGuire was

robbed and Mac Big Fast.

Ohh, you're here. Sammy Sosa delivers us

savage Santo Domingo slide. Look at those

numbers, Johnny. We're witnessing history

here. He winds up again, then. Ohh,

deadly dinger from Susan's. Not even the

baby could hit a limb that far

into the cheap seats.

Hey Sammy, looks like you need a break.

How about warming the bench for a little?

These two are neck and neck, but a Grand

Slam might push McGuire over the edge.

Hang on a SEC I I should probably up the

dosage for my big finish.

Oh my God I forgot to tell

you I switch your regular blender protein

supplements with these mega antibiotic or

steroids or steroids.

My beautiful biceps.

Buenos noches.

Look, Johnny, the torch has finally

been lit. It's beautiful.

Release The dogs must release

the doves.

Oh, oh, there you ohh, my

goodness, God. And Oh my, there's

a push. This thing. I've never

seen anything so horrifying.

This is Donnie Gomez saying good,

fight good.