03x03 - Turn on Your TV Day

[bunniefuu]

Who will prevail when 2 morning rivals

tried to have each other for breakfast?

What will be the verdict when a TV judge

tries to give a soap star the death

penalty? And which Late Night Cup would

live to see the light of day? Find out

tonight. Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello, everybody. I'm Johnny Coleman. And

I'm Nick Diamond. Tonight we're

celebrating National Turn on Your TV Day.

It's our response to Turn off your TV

Day and those misguided people behind it

who think TV is somehow bad for you.

Take it from me, folks, TV makes you

smarter. It's been said that Einstein

watched. 12 hours of TV a day while

developing his theory of electricity.

Anyway, we put together a show that takes

all the best things TV has to offer

and put them in the death match ring.

Our fight card represents a bloody cross

section of a typical TV day. First, we'll

tune into our morning matchup of ratings

rivals. As perky host of the Today Show,

Katie Couric takes on her new morning

rival Bryant Gumbel. Someone will be in

mourning after this morning show. Ben.

We're in for some daytime drama as Judge

Judy tries to throw the book at soap

star Susan Lucci. Here come the grudge.

Finally, we'll see night time TV that's

positively. MTV's Tom Green tries

to chill Craig Kilborn. They both know

how to slay an audience. We'll see how

they do against each other. But first, in

our ongoing effort to promote equal time

for alternative viewpoints, please say

hello to the leading advocate of Turn Off

Your TV Day, Mr. Chet Sumbitch. So,

Mr. Some Ditch, tell us, what's your

beef with TV? You have 60 seconds.

Well, Nick's watching too much TV has

been linked to overeating, promiscuity,

short attention span, swearing, not to

mention times up, and not to mention

the inability to count to 60.

I'll talk more with Mr. Sandwich when we

get around to it. Let's go now to our

first fight of the night. They spent five

years together on the Today Show, and

their cheerful banter hid the ugly

tension that tore apart these two morning

Titans. Fortunately for us, their bitter

grudge is not yet water under the bridge.

Katie Couric said there were times she

wanted to strangle her. Co host, now

she'll get her chance. As for Gumble,

he'd rather k*ll than share the spotlight

with anyone. And now he'll get his

chance. Get ready for a morning jolt.

You're watching the Today show.

Good morning. Welcome to the To Die Show.

I'm Katie Couric, your host for this

morning's Battle to the Death.

Correction, Katie, you're my co-host. I'm

Brian Gumbel. I'm the host and I'm going

to kick Katie's punk *****. And I'm

referee Mills Lane in this morning. I'll

be saying. Let's get it on now. Let's get

it on. Where do you

get off? I'm as much the host of

this fight as you are. What's wrong,

Katie? Ohe little insecure that you're a

woman in a man's business? Ohh. Ryan's

known for his hard hitting interview

techniques. What about you, Bryant?

Worried that you're a man playing to a

largely female audience, huh? Ohh. Come

back from Katie. Banshee is 1 perky

gal. It must be all that coffee.

Well dude, you're watching the Today show

and it's 72°. Let's go now for

a check of the weather with Willard

Scott. Thanks Katie. Good morning and

howdy do to everyone across the good

old USA. We've got a very special

birthday today. Miss Emily Fingerhut,

who's right here with me, is 100

years young and still got a lot

of living to do. Ohh. Well, or

maybe not. Hey, you ruined my segment,

you **** ****. Now let's go back

to Brian and Katie in the studio.

Thanks. Katie, we've known each other for

a long time. Please accept these daisies

as a sign of my hatred for you. Please.

That Brian. What a thoughtful guy. Katie,

we drove all the way here from Deshler,

Nebraska, and we think you're just

terrific. And would you please hurry up

and k*ll that blow hard? I'll see what I

can do. There's unexpected. Could it be

a sign? Katie's turning the fight around.

Uncanny. Brian's got his own sign. He's

known for his preparation. Johnny. Nice.

Did you make it yourself? I don't think

so. I had my assistant do it. Ohh.

Yeah. I got to tell you. Nick. Chapter.

A perky start. Katie seems to have lost.

Some of her spunky. I know what you mean,

Johnny. I wonder what's wrong with her.

Coffee.

Ohh, so you finally noticed. Guess you're

not feeling so perky now, huh? Wow,

what a gambit by gumbo. He's secretly

replaced the strong coffee Katie normally

drinks with decaf. The old decaf dupe.

Katies in trouble, Nick. I don't know

how she'll recover that trademark Burke.

Unbelievable. Jane's got ahold of some

regular coffee, she's getting her

caffeine fixed, and now she's going to

fix Bryant. How do you like your coffee,

Bryant? This might be a little strong.

That's a sobering joke from that scalding

hot coffee. Ohh, this could be the end

for Gumbo. But wait, that stack of 8 by



Lucky for him he can't give him away

though. Was regained control of this

fight. But what is he up to now? It looks

like Ryan's moving towards the bagel

slicer, Nick. Those things are great for

slicing. Hard to handle Bagel or a hard

to handle co-host. This is gonna get

ugly, buddy. Last requests, Katie. Yes. I

request that you kiss my perky white

*****. Drop the bangle. Slice our gumbo.

Wow. Willard Scott has come back to save

Katie. Willard, Thank goodness you're

here. You've got my way, sister Gumbo. I

saw you throw that chair.

You ruined my segment by k*lling that old

broad. How dare you embarrass me like

that? Listen, Willard, it was an

accident. I didn't mean to. I didn't even

get to do the weather. But that's OK.

I'll do it right now.

Ohh, folks, it's gonna be a rough week

for some of us in the East. You'll

wanna stay indoors because it's gonna

hail. Don't worry, the hail will give way

to nothing but sunshine. Yeah.

Here's a look at the National Weather.

Now let's see what's happening in Brian's

neck of the woods.

Oh my God. Ohh. Gumballs down.

But it looks like they're setting

them up for the Today show.

Toss a scattering finish to a

brutal fight, a good morning gone

bad for Bryant Gumbel, and the

winner is Katie Couric.

Exploding glass, scalding hot coffee,

plus Willard Scott with the weather. Now

that's what I call great TV. Here. Said

it, Johnny. Hey, even Check. Liked it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut. You're not giving

this show a chance. How do you know

it's bad unless you watch it? I don't

need to watch TV. In fact, I've never

even seen.

You mean you've never seen TV? Ever?

That's right. Ohh. Got him. Nick, What

the hell are you doing? Guy needs help.

Johnny. You grab his feet. Come on, pal.

You'll thank me for this one day. I

don't know what the Hell's going on here.

We'll be right back. Oh

my God.

Welcome back as we continue our turn on

your TV Day celebration. If you're just

joining us, you missed an early morning

wake up call from TV hosts Brian Gumbel

and Katie Couric, topped off with a

special. Weather report from Willard

Scott. But the action in the ring was

nothing compared to the action up here in

the booth when Nick violently apprehended

book lover Chet Sumbitch. Nick, where are

you and what have you done with Mr.

Sumbitch? I'm down here, Johnny, and the

Deathmatch lab where I'm in the process

of programming check to love TV like a

normal human being. The first step

towards loving TV is learning to hate

other questionable forms of

entertainment, like books for instance,

or a roller skating. Phase 1 of

this process begins with what I call

stimulus response training.

Let's watch as his decision making

process evolves. Ohh.

Boy, check OHS fiddler crabs look hungry.

It may take him a couple more tries, but

by the end of the night, I promise you

his love of books will disappear like the

skin on his face. God help us all.

Fortunately, it's time. Our second

undercard battle, which promises all the

crazy plot twists of any soap opera, but

unfolds in a setting far more serious. A

TV court of law, Judge Judy and star

of All My Children, Susan Lucci, do

battle on our very own celebrity death

court, the Honorable Judge Mills Lane

presiding. Let's take a look.

This is the plaintiff Judge Judy. She's

charging soap star Susan Lucci with

unlawfully polluting the airwaves. She

wants Susan cancelled permanently and

here's her opponent Susan Lucci. She's

counter suing to protect her time slot.

She thinks Judy suit is a smokescreen and

that the judge is secretly. He need

to take over all of daytime TV. She

wants Judge Judy off the air and off

her case. All rise for the Honorable

Mills Lane. OK, now I've read your

complaint and I write. People, let's get

this court in session. My goodness,

Judge, who does this woman think she is?

She's no better. Where's her Emmy,

anyway? And what is that? She's wearing a

moo moo. Shut up, you floozy. I can't

wait to throw the book at you. Hold on

now, Judge Judy. This is my court, and

I'll start the proceedings here. Here,

you little Hussie. I'll swear you in.

A surprise attack from Judge Judy catches

Susan Lucci off guard. She may be in

trouble, Nick.

Case dismissed. I find for me the

plaintiff, Susan Lucci is out and Judge

Judy wins this fight. She can't be out.

The fight just started. We've got airtime

to fill. Well, wait a second, Johnny.

Maybe she's not dead. Maybe that's her

evil twin and they're real. Susan is

watching from the shadows. Ohh, wait.

Maybe she's in a coma and she'll snap out

of it just when her husband is about to

marry a rich oil heiress thinks she's

just dead naked. Yeah, I guess that could

be Judy. What are you, some kind of

psycho? You're supposed to wait till I

say get it on. I'll be the judge of that

and of this courtroom. You just stay out

of my way. Ohh. Yeah. Look at this, Judge

Judy is trying to take over Mills

jurisdiction. Ohh. I wouldn't go there if

I was her. That's it. Judy, I find you

in contempt of my pretend court. Which

normally would mean it's time for me to

kick your booty **** the hair out of my

ring. Lucky for you, I never hit a late

hi. Bring it on, Popeye. OK, you asked

for it, but to make it fair, I'll

give myself a handicap disorder in the

court. These two are going to w*r over

Mills turf. Yes, this is blind. And now

so am I. OK, then, let's get it

on. Hey, that's my line. She's trying to

take over his courtroom locks. Black and

catch phrase, but that's not the only

thing she's taking. Ohh unbelievable

battery with the deathmatch flag. I don't

think that's permitted in this ring. I'll

allow it. Hey, that's my line too.

A few words and Judge Judy has taken

almost all of them. Mills made a huge

mistake with the blindfold Johnny. I'm

afraid he signed his own death warrant so

fast. Nick Mills trained as a Marine in

Southeast Asia. His mysterious abilities

could come in handy. He's using his

amazing powers of concentration to hear,

feel, and even. Case studies every move.

Can't finish the job. I can see

you're not exactly a lady k*ller miss.

I happened to respect this flag. Besides,

I prefer my 5th. Mills was a

collegiate welterweight champ, Nick. He's

got Judy on the ropes now.

Man, this woman's got to have some steel,

Mills feels his way over to the bench.

He's got the scales of justice.

He leaves Judge Judy looking for a

recess lookout. Now Judy's got the scales

of justice, but Mills is just too

fast for her.

A shocking ending for Judy as Phil's

Lane retains control of this ring and

the winner is me.

And electrifying death match say Nick,

Nick, I'm down here, Johnny. I wanted

to make sure chats TV was still

on. Phase one is complete. Check it

out. Hey, check. I brought you this

book.

OK, k*ller. Easy there.

Now that I've weaned chat off of books,

it's time for phase two where I show him

the good things TV has to offer. OK son,

here's a little something you'll love.

It's called F true.

We've made it to phase three chats,

making his way through the history of TV,

watching every single show ever produced,

and now he's doing it all by himself. You

know, frankly, I'm surprised that his

progress.

And I want more TV's. Diamond Happy Days

is coming on. OK, OK, you got it. See

what I mean? I'm so proud of him, Johnny.

Well, folks, I hope there are batteries

in your remote. You're going to want to

turn up the volume for our final bout.

Late Night Death Fight After years of

cracking wise in the minor leagues of

ESPN and The Daily Show, Craig Kilborn

has finally parlayed his dry arrogance

and smarmy charm to the big time, his own

network talk show. But at the very same

time Tom Green was making his giant leap

from Canadian public access TV all the

way to. And into a pitch

of a time slot, I might add. I

think Craig's big move was eclipsed by

Tom's meteoric rise and Craig's must be

pisssed. Expect to see Craig take his

revenge tonight. Let's TuneIn.

And here he comes

crew Canadian cutthroat MTV's

own Tom Green.

Ohh I'm sorry, let me

help you. That Tom

Green, what a character. And in

the blue corner, the star of

Star of the Late Late Show

with Craig Kilborn. A hell of

a lover and the best head

of hair in showbiz. Craig Kilbourne,

Kilbourne, Kilbourne, Kilbourne. Woohoo.

OK, I'm gonna be tired, so you 2

are on your own. Just make sure one

of you is dead at the end. I'm

going to bed. Get it over. Hey, Craig,

I'm really a big fan of your work.

Really. Well, thanks. No, thank you.

Here. I brought you this gift. Hope you

like dead porcupines here.

Smell it, Touch it, touch

it. Hey, you

stole my bit. Listen, Green, I'm not some

bumpkin from Canada and I'm not your

parents, so I'm not gonna take your crap.

God, I'm good, and now we have time

to take a minute for us. Folks on

the street often ask me, Craig, you're

devastating in the ring, but what about

on the dance floor? I tell him. Whether

it's death match or dancing, my moves

k*ll, k*ll, k*ll. I can rumba 1-2 cha

cha. But I also

love the stop ohh.

But my true love is ballroom and

Tom Green takes one right in the

South Pole. Tommy, there's not too

bright, is he? Who says that Goober

is funnier than Kilby? I'm the man

and I'm going to prove it.

I found someone who likes your

show. My beautiful complexion. It's

ruined. Good gracious, Nick. It's Miss

Emily Fingerhut, the 100 year old

lady who died in our first

fight. He. Craig, My grandma wants

to meet you. Grandma. Wake up,

Grandma. Ohh, I'm

sorry. Great.

Taking some stiff shots, juicing your

corpse as a weapon. I can't believe

it. What an innovator. Ohh, look out.

Tom's going right for Kilbourne. Precious

hair. Get up, get up, get up.

Break has finally broken free of Tom

Green's clutches, But at what cost, Nick?

At what cost? I've lost my beloved golden

locks, but I believe I can still go

on. After all, I'm so much more than

a great head of hair. I'm the Wiley

wit that is Kilborn. I'm the cleverness.

I'm the I'm the cleverness.

Clever. Saying Craig

about cleverness. Craig, what happened to

your cleverness? Did you lose it with

your cue cards or with your hair?

Cleverness. Well,

maybe you're just being shy. Let's see

how you do it. 4 questions. OK,

you're ready. Here we go. Question number

one, What happens if I do this?

I don't know the answer. That's OK.

We'll go on to question #2 what

happens if I do this? Craig, can

you hear me?Craig, here's

question #3 what happens if

I do that?

Credible verbal as*ault from Tom Green.

Craig, that's only three questions.

Craig, don't you want to play

anymore? Ohh, well, I guess I

win. The winner is Tom Green

by a head.

I'm buying, blowing, ending and a good

thing. The suits at MTV would have been

really ticked off at us. Hey, Johnny,

look who's here. Chats completed his

treatment. He's caught up on 50 years of

TV in just under 20 minutes. I think we

should give him a big hand. Is he

violent? Violent. Heck no, Johnny. In

fact, I'm totally mellow. Nick here,

well, he's a genius. I've never been so

entertained, so well informed, so happy

in my entire life that MO we show.

What a thespian. Well, check. I think

that's swell. Good work, Nick. Thanks,

Johnny. In fact, the treatment was so

successful, I think I'm going to write a

book about it. Whoops. I mean.

Well, so much for National. Turn

on your TV day, folks. If

you're still watching for Celebrity

Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez and that's

Nick Diamond. Good fight, good night.