03x04 - Freak Fights

[bunniefuu]

What will happen when the world's

greatest pornographers put down their

magazines and earned their reputations as

master beaters? Which one of these white

hot rappers will survive a hip-hop face

off? What will crawl out of the

deathmatch labs to emerge?Victorious in

our first ever clash of the Super

Freaks. And what the hell is a

Super Freak? You've got questions, we've

got answers on tonight's Celebrity Death

match. Welcome everybody I'm

Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick diamond we're

deathmatch may not have much of A

reputation for pushing the envelope on

cutting edge biotechnology, but tonight

that all changes as we proudly introduce

the Super freaks to make the Super freaks

we had a break the laws of physics

and most of the laws of. The state

of New Jersey. Using DNA code from the

blood and guts of previous celebrity

fighters, we've genetically engineered a

new breed of death match warriors who

were literally born to k*ll. But those

creatures aren't the only ones getting

freaky on tonight's show. In our main

event, 2 of MTV's hottest stars, Kid Rock

and Eminem, set out to prove that white.



k*ll. Speaking of MTV's hottest total

request lives, Carson Daly will be

hosting the fight. It's a special

deathmatch event. We're calling total

request dead like he does on his

own curiously popular show, Carson will

take your calls and e-mail as these.

White rappers break some beats and some

bones, but first we've got an undercard

that's not for the underage. Playboy

publisher Hugh Hefner and Hustler founder

Larry Flint are two living legends of

**** but after tonight, one of them won't

be living any longer. To find out what

brought them here tonight, we've sent our

own Debbie Matenopoulos. Down to heft

stressing room. Now Debbie, this is

nothing to get nervous about. Just

remember the questions I gave you. Damn

it Diamond, I'm not gonna ask him for

Miss July 1973's phone number.

Your career has spanned decades and

changed the face of American culture and

sexuality. As you approach your 80th

birthday, the question on everyone's mind

is, can you still get it up? What are

you asking me that as a deathmatch

correspondent or as a woman? Well, both,

I guess. Deborah, you're the kind of

independent and vibrant woman that I

would love to, respectfully. Celebrate

them, Playboy, by dressing you up like a

cute little bumblebee and covering you

with honey. Wow, me and Playboy, you know

posing for me has advanced the careers of

countless women.

Latoya Jackson.

Forget him, little lady, he can only show

you what you look like on the outside. I

can show you what you're really like on

the inside, all the way inside. I bet you

got an amazing set of fallopian tubes.

You sure give pornographers a bad name.

Tonight I'm going to leave your body

where your mind is. Always. In the

gutter.

Here, come on, intriguing words I know

they've given me a lot to think about.

Back to you, Nick and Johnny. Passions

seem to be running high. This should be a

good fight. You said it. The two elder

statesman of **** match up pretty well.

Have Scott the height advantage at 5 foot





sheets and quiet evenings at the Playboy

Mansion surrounded by gorgeous women and

beatless celebrities. His turnoffs

include commitment and those little

unpopped kernels of popcorn. Flint stands



got the weight advantage at 210 lbs.

His turn ONS include battling censorship

and exposing internal organs. His

turnoffs include clothing, stairs, and of

course, Hugh Hefner. Hmm, seems like you

know their work pretty well. Like the

palm of my hand. Johnny have known Flint

have entered the ring. So let's go down

to referee Mills Lane, who will open up

this cornucopia of violence. You don't

want a good, clean fight. I'm looking

forward to the same raunchy action we all

enjoy in your magazines. So let's get it

off. Well, it looks like I'm not the only

guy who's facing some lonely Saturday

nights. If one of these guys goes down,

you may have won the People versus Larry

Flynt, but Hugh Hefner is not the people.

I'm just here to defend. My First

Amendment right to kick your *****.

Let's put off the Colonel carnage for

little FaceTime with some of his

Bunnings. I like my fighting like I like

my women fast and dirty.

Displays some full penetration. Sorry

about that old man, we seem to

have gotten off on the wrong foot.

Those blows were delivered with pinpoint

accuracy. Jeff has devoted a lifetime to

studying human anatomy, and it shows.

Flint takes the loss of his feet in

stride.

It's been a staple of hustlers since the



well. Have been practicing

for years, grappling with people much

younger than him, sometimes two or three

at a time. Yeah, but until now, they've

all been women. You're lucky you enjoy

dirt so much because I'm about to send

you 6 feet under health. Prepares to

deliver his signature move, the deadly

Playboy Bunny hop.

Gets a little overeager and ends up

popping a bone. And here comes Larry

Flynt. A

little baby oil to that joystick crossing

flip to lose total control went better.

Be careful with the way he's jerking that

thing. Look out.

I didn't know wheelchairs came with

airbags. There's no airbag, Nick.

Thanks, darling. What are you doing

little later? Clint's not showing a lot

of hustle, Johnny. I've tried to be

decent, but it's time to expose some

naked aggression. Ohh, that

chair has a mind of its own.

All tied up, he's in big trouble. It's

what every publisher fears most. Massive

drop in circulation. The King of Smutt

climbs back onto his throat. Meanwhile,

Jeff finds himself on the other side of

the cameras for a change.

How embarrassing. No, no, stop

no. Cut it out. You're

gonna steamroller. Ohh. Maybe out

of this fight.

Umm, something I learned

from reading Playboy.

Utilizing his impressive upper body

strength to apply the deadly

centerfold crush. Description cancelled.

Well, I guess that's one less thing

for me to read on the can.

The winner is Larry Flynt.

That may be headed to the recycling bin,

but don't you go anywhere because coming

up after the break, we've got our first

ever Clash of the Super Freaks. But

first, it's time for a new game on

Celebrity Deathmatch that we like to call

Infamous quotes. Name the deathmatch

contestant that recited the following

line. Was it A Antonio

Banderas, B Meryl Streep, C

Kelsey Grammar The answer right

after these messages?

With Celebrity Deathmatch contestant

recited the following quote, the answer

is a Antonio Banderas you insist

on acting like a woman, I

will embrace.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch

tonight, a historic event. For the first

time anywhere, 2 freakish creatures

artificially bred in a lab will fight to

the death for your entertainment. We call

it simply a freak fight, but the science

behind it is anything. It's simple To

help explain. Here's Stone Cold Steve

Austin. Thanks, Johnny. Y'all know I

spent the last couple of months draining

the DNA from the genetic slop left over

in our deathmatch ring. Now, using an

advanced Poly hydrating technique, I spun

that DNA into a batch of bud uglies. Born

to die and with a hankering for the k*ll.

Oh my God. More horrible than I could

have imagined. I hope the Food and Drug

Administration doesn't find out about

this. I have to tell you Stone Cold, this

whole thing makes me a little uneasy when

the suits who run death match green lit

Project freak. They figured that these

test tube monsters would be easier to

handle than real celebrities with their

diva like dressing room demands. But real

warriors like Streisand, Leno and Winfrey

are forged in the cauldron of Hollywood

here. Can't create bloodlust like that in

a lab. Wait and see, fellas. Wait

and see. Now give me a big

hell yeah for our first super freak

cousin Grimm. Take a look at that

thing. It's hideous. Thing is, nobody

knows exactly which celebs DNA went into

which free. We've had our share of

rednecks on this show, Roseanne, Bill

Clinton, but judging by that, back here

was definitely got some Bigfoot in it.

And here's his opponent. Give me a big

hill. Yeah, for Pierce, make crack.

Tattoos, piercings of Gen. X attitude,

pairs with crack, Could be any of those

MTV posters, Ohh, wonderful. Sandy, Trent

Reznor any or Dennis Rodman, or maybe

even that Keith Flint guy from Prodigy.

Since we have no idea what these freaks

are capable of, we've asked Mills Lane to

stay out of the ring for this one. The

fight will start when the bell.

These monsters are breaking loose. Oh

my God. To believe

it.

Here's the crack using that skateboard to

his advantage, but ohh friend lays him

out with a blow from that giant informed

meat claw by hand.

What the hell are these freaks doing? The

fight is out of control. They're tearing

up the ring and the fan. I told you,

Johnny, this is what happens when you try

to play God. Don't go do something. OK?

Hang on.

Time out fellas. This is how we do things

at Death Match and get your ***** back in

here stone cold, taking a minute to try

and reason with these freaks. You can't

just kick a guy to Kingdom come. You got

to express yourself while you do it.

Let's say I got a guy in a headlock and

I was going to pound him like there's no

tomorrow. I'd say something like heads up

chief, you're about to get your *****

whipped. Ohh.

Remember, when you're in this ring, you

ain't just a couple of freaks, you're

celebrities. So start entertaining.

And this free flight is back on.

Dude, this is better than the pit at

the Family Value show. Looks like Stone

Cold's impromptu lesson has hit home. I

can already see the headline and variety

hit from sticks next with kicks.

Ohh, we're

back.

Welcome back dude. That's lame. Let me

show you what a tongue lashing is all

about. It's about

star power. Celebrity has been bred into

the blood that flows through their veins

and onto our back.

How are you holding up? Good.

Say something like this.

Here's his deflated, but not

defeated. Looks like Cousin

Grin is teaching him how they pick up

women in the trailer park. Just

doesn't want to be the weak link in this

fight. Grim has to be concerned about

where this chain of events is finished.

Ohh, I'd rather I'd rather really wrong.

Incredible. It looks like Pierce

McCracken has won. This thing ain't over

yet, Nick. Unbelievable. He sprouted

another body. Cousin Grimm's genetic

structure must be completely unstable. I

wonder if there's any Roseanne in him.

We're back.

This material may need work, but you

can't fault the delivery of that move.

Talk about a spinal fusion. He really

looks good on himself because his Grim

here wins the first ever Super Freak

fight and that's the bottom line because

Stone Cold said so.

What representation kit? Well, you do.

Now we're talking points back end, the

whole enchilada.

Percentage Are we talking about another

happy ending on Celebrity Deathmatch as a

star is born? Or should I say

bioengineered? There's no end to the

happiness tonight. Coming up, Total

Request lives. Carson Daly hosts 2 MTV

stars as they engage in a bloody

countdown to 1. It's M&M. This is

Kid Rock, and it's next.

Welcome back for our main event. Eminem

and Kid Rock have both wrapped their way

to the top of the charge, but there's

only room for one at #1 Both these kids

grew up in Detroit. Affecting their chops

on the main streets of Motown, Eminem

even joined Kid Rock on one of his early

albums. But now they both want to be the

king of the white rap capital of the

world. So tonight, we'll separate the

white rap from the white crap in a

deathmatch special we're calling Total

Request. Dad, That's right. But in total

request lives Carson Daly to host the

havoc. Take it away, Carson. Hey party

people. OK, great. I'd like to thank all

the guys at Deathmatch for having me.

We've got some real special. Could

you guys, could you guys, you know, pay

attention?People. Ohh. One thing I've

learned from my Years at Death match is

that you do not want to tell this

audience what to do, right? These

******** fans aren't the starstruck 14

year old girls Carsons used to working

with. Of course, it doesn't help that

this is malt Liquor night at the arena.

Hey, watch it. Listen.

And when showing your emails on screen,

if you don't want to see unbridled

gratuitous bloodshed. That's better. So

hey guys, if you're ready, let's, you

know, get it going on.

What's up, kid? Yo, if you're fighting

his ***** you're rapping. I'll be home

watching Showtime at the Apollo in no

time. Bring it ****** if you can. Hey,

kids, do you like violence? Wanna see me

put? Ohh, man, I can't rap without a

beat. My name is Slim Shady.

I don't know if Eminem has cred on the

street, but he certainly earning it here

in the arena. Kid responds with a white

rap on the look. I haven't seen that move

since Vanilla Ice was in the house. Nick,

I think we should leave the African

American impersonations to the

professional. Ohh, this is Paul in the

arena, Kid Rock. He's a pimp of

the nation, man. I love his music and I

love to see kneecap Carson. What? yo-yo,

I ain't got to clock for that Now, Josie,

get your scrawny ***** up here and give

him the 911. What does that mean? Ohh,

it's Josie, Kid rocks, Dominion and

backup rapper. I tell you, Johnny, that

Joe sees no Pussycat. Get away from me.

Ohh I'm the school you with how we real

rappers scratch a beat.

All hell is breaking loose here. Isn't

this cool party people?

This is how we hammer down and

the hoochie pie. Ohh, look down.

Kid Rock busting some serious moves, but

he may have something else up his sleeve.

Damn that fat break dance group from my

posse up in the hood. Yo man, keep it

real. The closest thing you ever gonna

get to being black is when I turn you

black and blue. Hey, party people,

time for the TRD trivia question. I think

we have Sarah on the line. Hey, Carson,

first of all, can I give a shout out to

Julie and all the girls at the Short

Hills Mall? Hey, girls. OK, Sarah,

today's question is what white rapper

talks about growing up in the ghetto but

is really the son of a car salesman from

the suburbs? That's easy, Kid Rock. Man,

step off. Why are you frying on me

now? Cut it out, Bob. What's it do

you, Marshall? Yeah. The

starting headbutt from Chris Rock. It's

Kid Rock. Nick who? Hey man,

you like magic?

Neat trick. Yeah, that's gotta hurt. Ohh

man. Look, they ought to call this guy

Kid Rocky.

Ohh, my name, My name is

my name is, my name is

King.

This is Corky in the deathmatch arena. I

just want to say that I hope Eminem can

come back and win because he rocks the

mine. Ohh good Joe see her car sitting

again because he kisses me off. OK

people, let's try to keep the focus on

the fighters that Tennessees angrier than

a Pitbull and heat.

Carson may not be able to hear, but he

can read the writing on the wall, or

should I say on the e-mail.

Austin Powers? Come on, man. I think

******* are cool. I'm not a friggin

******. OK, where's the shirt?

Unbelievable. Carson may have gone a

little too far with that comment, but

size doesn't matter when you've got guts.

And Joe, she's got plenty to spare.

Yo, Biatch, I'm gonna push a cap in your

head. And knee cap that is. Ohh, that's

gotta hurt. Joe. Get it on over here.

Batch. I got an errand for you. Yo, Mr.

Look, I'm not your freaking tattoo. I

show some love. I need the little hand,

little man. I'm not sure if this is a

fair fight. Alright, let's

show him why my peeps call me the cowboy.

Easily avoids kids blows, but there's

no avoiding that. That's one Eminem

without nuts. Ohh you won't. Bison

Bill Punk.

Oh my God.

Incredible. Josie is actually assumed

control of Eminem's body.

And his bowel. A strange turn of events,

but there's no denying that the winner of

this fight is Kid Rock. Is the b*mb

Baby eyes The b*mb. Yeah. What about me?

Cut it Shorty. This is my moment. That's

it. I've been supporting you for years.

From now on, stand on your own 2

feet.

That's just like a rapper to use somebody

else's body of work to make a hit. Tired

of backing you up? I'm moving to the

front. Nick, I think Kid Rock out of this

fight. And Jill, she's the only one left

alive down there. Then that makes Joe see

the undisputed. Winner of this death

match. Well, I guess that wraps it up

for us. We're Nick Diamond. I'm Johnny

Gomez saying good fight, good night.