03x10 - Time Traveling

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Celebrity Deathmatch.

It was a pleasure of pain to watch

you fight this evening. Yes. What do I

mean? Well, the the parting gift on

deathmatch is usually your life. No gift.

Then I will take my own prize.

There's a whole.

That nutsacks kidnapped Debbie. I'm going

after her neck and you're coming with me.

What the hell? Well, good fight,

good night.

Wow, where are

we?Hey, look, it's

Napoleon. Hey, Blue, it's

coming. Save me. Save

me. Hold on.

Let's go, Johnny. Get us out of here.

Wait a minute. According to the temporal

positioning matrix, Debbie got split up

from Napoleon and went to one of these.

Other times, our only hope of getting

home is to track her down. Ohh yeah yeah

sure, whatever. Just punch that damn

buttons.

Right, You hear that? That's the sound of

two people beating the living hell out of

each other. Think we're home?

Why is everyone wearing tongas? We're

either at a very successful frat party or

else we've landed in ancient Rome.

More croutons on your salad Caesar too.

What does this interruption? Good

heavens, it's Julius Caesar. Do you know

what the punishment is for interrupting

my death games?

Ohh you don't saved on this passion

answer the question. Don't tell me the

punishment is we have to fight Rome's

mightiest warrior for our freedom. Well I

was just going to find your birth 2

gold coins and have your exiled but

fighting it shall be nice going. Gods the

power the fat 1. The battle, The

other shall entertain me by announcing

the fight later. Nick, why do I have

to fight? Let's rock paper scissors for

it. Sorry pal, scissors haven't been

invented yet.

Feta cheese. Get your feta cheese

here. Underwear on or off, huh,

friends? Romans fight fans, welcome to

Azarian Deathmatch, coming to you from

the Colosseum in Rome. We've got

what promises to be a fight

of epic proportions. The sneak diamond

takes on Rome's mightiest warrior. Ohh,

who is Rome's mightiest warrior?

Yeah, Tonga,

Tonga, Tonga,

Tonga.

Ohh, I'm screwed, Rams. Mightiest warrior

all the way from the forest of

Cappadocia, the Satan the sadder emperor.

Tell us a little about this character.

Well Johnny, I'll say that is a forest

dwelling follower of Bacchus, the God of

revelry, pottery and cheap wine, which

coincidentally explains how his parents

met. How you will

laugh at Caesar's jokes. OK. And it

looks like this original party animal is

ready to go. Mills, what are you

doing here? My name is Lena, and

I'll do the talking. Now. I want

a good, clean fight. No hitting below

the belt or the area where you're

at. Going to become another species. Now

let's get it on here.

And the cedar starts things off with

a brutal battering ram. Skull crusher.

Nick Diamond is days God. The pan

flute. The Sander truly is a sick,

ruthless warrior.

Diamond retaliates with Azad. Fierce

smash. Big mistake, pal. I think d*ck's

gonna plunder his w*r chest for some

ancient Roman weaponry. It looks like

he's got some kind of spoon fork

saying it's a spark. A spark. Incredible.

Ohh, and Diamond plunges the spork right

into the shaders sack. I can't look

man. You blocked my wine bag, you

jerk.

That's it. I'm gonna go easy on the wine.

There's no telling what effect it will

have upon him. Come on

baby boy, you want a piece of me?

Came to Peter. Hey, sweetheart, you fight

to the death around here often. Oh,

my. It looks like the Satan's got

his wine goggles on. Hey, OK, good

boy. It's time for me to get



friend Stone Cold taught me this one.

Nick Diamond executes A superb Stone Cold

stunner. What did you call that? A

Stone Cold stunner. Alright. Yeah. Ohh.

Devastating goat kick. Ohh. You want some

more, do you? Well, let's see what

we have in here. It looks like

he's. Yes, he's going for the Wooden

Club. Giving this

Theta ray porton down again, probably.

Yeah. Lucky for you, I'm feeling

no pain. Santa

returns the favor, punishing Diamond with

every wine connoisseurs favorite food,

The Greco-roman great stop. Nick Diamond.

He's in serious trouble. Us.

Diamonds who staged the coffees? This

could be the end. John Nature kick

his asss.

The Seer of falls for the oldest trick in

the book. But what's this? Nick's gone

back into the weapons chest and pulled

out some kind of What the hell is that?

So well made time out. This is

unfair Roman candle. I'll allow it. Takes

the wrath of my ba*ls man goat.

Ohh, legal barrage from mixed Roman

candle. He's getting the sader all

fired up and ohh no, he's

charging like a bull.

No, neither one appears to be damaged.

But what happened to that Roman candle?

Man's freedom lasted. That cursed

goat. Perhaps now I can

quit drinking. It's over. Rome

has a new mightiest warrior,

Nick Diamond.

OK, Cheek, you're satisfied. Can we

please go home now? Yes, but first, I'd

like you to be my guests at the

Royal Imperial Banquet slash Audit

tonight at the Pantheon. What you said?

Well, the Pantheon sounds good to me. How

about you, Johnny? Hey, when in Rome?

OK, Caesar, we'll stay for the banquet.

And I'll see you at the origin.

Something I said. That's my wife. You

Crescent got Catholic, this man.

Never rescued Debbie for day. Forget

Debbie, just get us out of here. Just

going to have to check every one of

these time periods until we find her next

stop. Victorian England.

Forget this, I'm going to the orchid.

Hey, that's amazing. Your injuries seem

to have disappeared. Time heals all

wounds, Johnny. That's

Debbie. I'd recognize her screams

anywhere. Where?

What?

OHH

debt. You're

alive. Hey guys, I was out looking for

a payphone and this creep just started

viciously attacking me. We'll save you.

Just let us know when you need some

help. Who is that guy? Jack Tripper from

threes company? No potato brain. That's

Jack the Ripper, the most vicious serial

k*ller of his time. Ohh look why is

he after Debbie? I thought Jack the

Ripper only attacked prostit*tes shores.

And Loose Women. Well, I can understand

his confusion. Take that river. Looks

like you're just jacked. What? Now? Stop

right there. The game is afoot, and

Sherlock Holmes is on the case. Sherlock

Holmes? I've been on the trail of

the Ripper for some time. I'll handle

this from here. Ohh. Hey.

Quiet. Wow, every

walk of London's pub, bro life is here.

There's ruffian scallywags and I think I

just spotted a hooligan. No wonder Nick,

we're about to witness one of the

greatest death matches of the century.

Super sleuth Sherlock Holmes takes on the

poster boy for prost*tute K*llers Jack

the Ripper. It's Bernie. That versus

maniac running. Now let's get

it on. You're slating. Slaying

days are over, Ripper. Prepare

to feel the wrath of

my mighty deductive reasoning. Bring

it on, hate.

Look, Footprints.

Beg your pardon, Sir, but I

believe there's foot. Quiet, Watson, I

need full concentration. You're my fat

boy. Pardon, Sir.

Ohh. The Ripper seems to be uninterested

in Holmes as he goes to work

on board Doctor Watson. What a sicko.

The K*llers tracks end here

but no k*ller. Very curious.

I'm Johnny Jack, Scott Slicers, Dicers,

even a fish scaler. He's like a walking

Swiss Army knife. And it looks like the

Ripper wants to kick this fight up a

notch. He's going with the backstab

romantic. Wow.

Oh my God, Watson, a clue.

I think I'm onto something fair.

Where's my kit bag? Oh, Sherlock

better look sharp because here come

the poultry shears.

Ohh, lots encounters with the rarely

seen. Stop the serrated cutlery with

your torso move. Brilliant.

What's this? Is the Ripper taking a tea

break? Not likely, Nick. It looks as if

he's going to force Holmes to do the

unthinkable. Even British cooking.

But he missed, and Watson is forced to

stomach dummy pie. We're getting closer

to unveiling our kilowatts in my boy.

Looks like some kind of

human tissue. From where? Ah

yes, the elementary, my dear

Watson, the alimentary canal.

Who's the k*ller? Is

what you and Sherlock

homie is out? I

have. What's this?

Jack T Ripper.

In the name of God, Watson, what's the

meaning of this? Lying down on the job? I

mean, really, he's not as brilliant as I

thought. Don't believe everything you

read, Nick, I say, my good man. Button

up. Do you want to catch your death of

cold?

Looks like Sherlock has this case all

wrapped up. And Sherlock Holmes is the

winner of very Strange Death match

indeed. I'll say Johnny, this is the most

inexplicable thing to come out of England

since the Teletubbies. OK guys, let's get

back home before we redirect any more

courses of history that might. Was

horrifying effects on the future. We got

what we came for.

You and your horrifying effects. I mean,

really, what could have possibly happen?

You see, Johnny, everything's just as we

left it. The ring, the crowd, the

broadcast booth. Sweet mother of God,

Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

We're your house, Joan Rivers and Melissa

Rivers. Tonight we have a true battle of

washed up schlubs as professional nobody.

Johnny Gomez takes on No Name, Nick

Diamond, and a fight for just for the

hell of it. The Republicans still control

Congress, cheesy team pop still dominates

the charts, and Robin Williams still

churns out four mediocre films a year. It

seems the only thing that's changed is

that everyone hates us and we've lost our

jobs. The two hacked fashion critics.

Alright, YouTube bringers, putters, get

your keisters into that ring and let's

get it out. Ohh. Good one, Mills. That's

Mr. Lee to you. He's serious. Nick, we've

obviously changed the course of history,

but how? Was it the Roman orangy or

the death of Jack the Ripper? Or this

big chunk of dinosaur?Who do? Stuck to

my shoe, Nick, you idiot. OK, OK, take

it easy. I'll be right back.

My God, it worked. Now let's get

to work. We've got a fight to

call. Welcome back to celebrity Death

match, where you're just in time for

our main event these days with such

incredible competition and. Television It

seems there's room for only one high

couture critic, which means the mother

daughter team who make their living

tearing celebrity fashion apart will try

to tear each other apart inexplicably.

Quasi celebrities Joan and Melissa Rivers

go face to facelift to prove once

and for all who's more obnoxious. It

looks like Joan is getting a last minute

Botox touch up from her plastic surgeon.

For those of you who don't live in

Beverly Hills, Botox stands for Botulism

Toxic Treatment. Once thought to be good

for nothing more than causing horrible

abdominal cramps and expl*sive diarrhea,

Botulism is widely used in cosmetic

surgery to paralyze. The muscles that

cause wrinkles and lines. Wow, you really

know a lot about it Nick. Ohh yeah

thanks. Alright you 2 caddy commentators,

this ain't no 4H mother daughter picnic.

I want a good clean fight. Let's get

it on.



restraint. If you're going to feel me up,

you could at least buy me dinner first.

Ohh, look out.

Oh, how about some alterations

while you wait to die

mom huh? Unbelievable touch Melissa

Savages drone with pinking shears.

Ohh, that is so you.

I looked so last summer.

Melissa Rivers gives her something to

really choke on her own arm. Ohh.

Joan Rivers has accidentally removed her

pancreas. This is the second ugliest

thing that's ever come out of me.

But Lisa seems to have some kind of game

plan. But what could she possibly be

looking for get away from there?

Hey Mom, can we talk?

Can we talk? No, that's

my tired catch phrase. Hey

Melissa, can we talk?

Not without focal cards.

Yeah, man, you're wrong. Setting looks

like Melissa put her larynxes backwards.

Sometimes I like to put my underwear

on backwards. Johnny. Come on, Mom, come

get a piece of me. Wait a

minute. Hold that pose.

Incredible. Joan has resorted to spewing

Botox everywhere. Hey, what the Hell's

going on? And Mills Lane gets hit

with a blast of the paralyzing fluid.

OK, where is it? Where the hell

is it, Doctor? Doctor Joan Rivers looking

to get some emergency medical attention.

Give me my usual. Joan Rivers has

stopped the fight for get another

facelift. One more of those and she'll

be picking belly button lint out of

her. Kid.

There it is. Of course that's what

Melissa Rivers has been looking for. That

baseball sized not of flesh is a lifetime

of extra skin pulled tight to defying.

Ohh, you're in trouble now, Mom. I know

your secret. You try it Missy, and you'll

be going down faster than Heidi

Abramowitz in the back of a. Eric

Hey, unbelievable. The rivers as

shoe any traditional fighting style

and resort to a good

old-fashioned catfight. Got it now.

I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't

seen it. Sean Rivers is unraveling before

our very eyes. Joan Rivers has come

completely undone. Melissa Rivers has

turned her mom into a monster. Oh

my God, a last minute rally from

a skinless Joan Rivers. She's got

Melissa. Corner. Who am I wearing?

Poo poo poo poo. I could

just die. Ohh,

no. It looks like Joan Rivers has

suffered A fatal fashion faux pas and

the winner is Melissa River. Well, that's

it for a very eventful night. An

amazing series of death matches that

shattered the very laws of space-time and

logic, all the while proving that

gratuitous violence. Never goes out of

style. And that leaves me with a hot

date that's 2000 years in the making.

Johnny, we have to talk. What? Ohh, no,

there's someone else. Isn't there? Please

tell me it's not Nick Alexander. The

great Alexander. When did you meet him? I

don't know, 1000 BC or something. You see?

Use The Time Machine before you guys

showed up in England and. And well, I'm

afraid my heart belongs to him now. No

hard feelings, huh? Not anymore, right,

Johnny? Ohh, I knew you'd understand.

Well, that should make things awkward in

the halls. It just goes to show that

time travel is evil. It ruins lives and

should be avoided. At all costs, truer

words were never spoken for Celebrity

Deathmatch. I'm Nick Diamond and I'm

Johnny Gomez saying good fight, good

night.

Coming up next week, Rage Against

the Machine versus the Machine, Al

Gore versus Weird Al Yankovic and

John Cusack versus John Malkovich when

Celebrity Deathmatch continues.