03x13 - Best of WWF

[bunniefuu]

What happens when MTV meets the

WWF? What happens is total anarchy

happens, as is typically the case.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My

name is Mick Foley, WWF Superstar.

Some of you might know me

as WWF Commissioner or perhaps Mankind

Dude Love or even ******** legend

Cactus Jack. Bye bye. Many years

I've spent in the wrestling ring have

taught me what's most important in this

world. Things like honor, loyalty, and

the ability to dive off a 40 foot

high steel cage right on my head in

a dumpster mommy.

Anyhow, when I got the call to

appear on Celebrity Deathmatch, I didn't

know what to think. After all the

shows filled with scoundrels,

backstabbers and other assorted celebrity

sleazebags, how would an honest, hard

working regular guy like Mick Foley fit

into that world?

The answer to that question is perfectly

You see, the folks at Celebrity

Deathmatch realize that while we don't

always get along, we wrestlers do more

than just smash each other over our heads

with garbage cans. Most of us are

actually compassionate human beings who

try to make the world a better place.

Tonight I've brought along some of my

favorite Death match fights that

illustrate my point. This first clip

involves a colleague of mine, The

Undertaker, who joined Nick and Johnny in

the booth to call a fight. When things

went horribly wrong, The Undertaker was

forced to take matters into his ownhands.

Welcome back, folks. After a great first

fight, we've unfortunately suffered a bit

of a setback. Why, Johnny? Why? I knew

I should have let him wear the Barbie

costume. It's not your fault, man. It

seems a demon by the name of Captain

Duty has possessed Nick's son. But our

friend the Undertaker?Here, and he's

going to beat the duty out of him.

Ohh. The undertaker's not gonna hurt my

son, is he? Johnny? Nick, that thing down

there is not your son. Man, I hope

family court doesn't get wind of this.

Hey, Captain. Jody, get out of my son,

you *******. OK, Judy, come out of there.

Act like a man. My name

is due to Rasmus, seventh son

of Satan. But you can call

me Captain Duty. And I know

your real name, Mark. What's funny

is that, Mark, I'm the undertaker,

you say? So, my. Shut up,

Shut up. Now, Mark,

we're gonna do this fight my way.

OK? Undertaker, Mr. Duty, Kathy, cast and

do whatever I want. A good, clean

fight. And no speaking in tongues. I'm

a referee, not a translator. Let's get

it on. Well,

the Undertaker seems to have the height

advantage, but Captain Duty may have a

few tricks up his sleeve.

The Georgetown Armbar Slam. A diabolical

classic. Captain Doody has him right

where he wants him, but a

good kick by the Undertaker. How

dare you kick captain duties.

The Undertaker is really putting the

screws to this supernatural sleep bag.

There's no offense. None taken, Johnny.

But wait. Oh my

God, it's that. Ah,

it's Bob Saget.

It's just that demon playing cruel mind

games. The Undertaker won't fall for

that. What is he doing? Hey, put down

the Govers and save my son. You b*mb.

Hang on. I'm sure the Undertaker has some

tricks of his own. Nikki, I know you're

in there. Talk to me. Yeah, I had

candy. Ingenious. The Undertakers

communicating. Trapped in hungry soul of

poor Nicky Junior. Daddy. Why you, Nikki?

I'm up here, son. Come on. I

know you're in there. Fight the demon.

Break free.

The Undertakers down. This fight might be

over. Johnny, did you RIP one? I think

it's coming from that confounded duty.

Look, the undertaker seems to be moving.

OK, Judy, I didn't want to have to

do this, but you're going down here.

Comes the Undertaker signature move the

Tombstone pile driver gave it. Man,

that'll snap Nikki Junior's neck. We have

no choice, Nick, and it just might

work. Please don't

hurt me. I promise not to be bad.

Don't listen to him. Push him away,

Johnny. That's my son in there. Next. You

got to trust me on this. Please. Let

me go, Mr. Taker. Please.

I don't think so.

The Undertakers done it. He's taking

captain duty out of this fight and out

of Vicky Junior.

You got rid of me this

time. Undertaker podcast it nobody will

return.

Dude.

What the hell?

And the winner is the undertaker.

Ricky, are you OK? What happened?

Ohh, you just bumped your head.

Wow, Daddy, you smell like booty.

Thematic finish. The Undertaker has

literally beaten the hell out of Nikki

Junior while retaining the title of

baddest guy on this show. Undertaker, you

saved Nikki Junior's life, not to mention

his soul, and you are a true

American ******. But that wouldn't be the

last time we'd see a WWF. Superstar

performing heroics in the Death Match

ring. Join us after this to find out

what I'm talking about.

The lamb and moves and some pretty

Wheaties.

Hey there folks, you're back with Mick

Foley and you know when you're a best

selling author like myself, you know how

important it is to give back to the folks

who supported you on your way up. This is

a credo that my friends is at WWF lived

by. So when Celebrity Death Match told

him, the fans requested a fight between

two of their own. Nobody blinked. Not

Stone Cold Steve Austin with his

legendary tough guy reputation on the

line, nor WWF head honcho Vince McMahon

with his entire wrestling operation on

the line. They just said OK man, where

do we show up? So here, now, I

present to you this the most selfless act

in the history of televised entertainment

and interoffice. Rogelio featuring two of

the biggest names in the WWF, giving

the Test match fans exactly what they

want. Tonight's opening bout

is what death matches all about, a

classic conflict between employee and

boss. And let's face it, who doesn't want

to kick his boss's buck? Don't get me

started, Nick. Let's take a moment for a

brief history of these two maniacs. Stone

Cold Steve Austin, the most popular

champion in World Wrestling. Federation

history and his fans are here to back

him up, but Stone calls none too popular

with his boss, owner of the World

Wrestling Federation Vince McMahon. In

fact, there was an incident that took

place right here on Celebrity Deathmatch

that typifies their rocky relationship.

Roll that tape, please.

So I started McMahon. Sorry. Yes. And

that's the bottom line. Don't go, Steve

Austin. Who the hell do you think you

are? You dare to disparage me. You're

nothing but a foul mouth, beer swelling

son of a Bittch Elvis. I appreciate the

compliments. And right after I finished

this beverage, I'm going to knock that.

Damn. To pay off that stupid little head

of yours and shove it right up, you

impudent fool. Your physicality is no

match for my superior mental acumen.

That's why I'm the boss and I'll prove it

in the ring. Ohh. Yeah. Well, listen up.

You're silly *******. I'll go you one

better than that. We're not going to

settle this in any old wrestling ring.

We're going to settle this in a death

match ring. You're on.

Like Stone Cold said Nick, sometimes

life's little problems can only be solved

here in our humble Death match arena, and

the time has come to do just that as

our fighters are now at ringside. Let's

go check it out.

Hey Stone Cold, I got your stone right

here buddy. Compliments of the

Undertaker. That are bringing

down there, Nick. Ohh, that's going to be

an ugly night. Enjoy. You German know the

rules. I want a good clean fight. Now

let's get it on.

That Stone Cold can really take a hint.

McMahon starts things off old school

style with a Texas Toast Slam.

Ohh add that to my 401K

boss. Sound financial planning by the

champion but then shakes it off

and he answers with a clothesline.

Princess in desperation now.

What you're reaching for? Ohh, whipped

cream. The rules of this fight clearly

prohibit the use of ozone depleting

aerosol. Stone calls. Not too happy about

this? He'll be lucky if he can see

well enough to get through this fight.

Meanwhile, we'll see if Vince McMahon

tries to take advantage of this

despicable move. Music band slobbering

Stone Cold. How much longer can this

go on? Ohh lookout. Ohh Super fly

looks like trouble for Stone Cold. And

he slept right through the canvas. Hey

Stone Cold, I just proved you're beneath

me just like all the other little

people.

Verbally abusing his employee. I don't

know that Stone Cold can recover from

this kind of humiliation. And Austin, we

can either bury you now down in that hole

or ship your body back to Texas and the

undertaker's coffin.

No, here you go, pitch. Here's

the little middle acumen for you,

the legendary Stone Cold stunner and

Vince Beckman is out an incredible

upset. Stone Cold is the winner,

Johnny. I don't think Stone Cold

is done with him yet. If you

want to see me beat Mister Man with this

tombstone, give me a hell yeah.

Yeah.

If you want to see Stoco Plans being

man's ask in this coffin, give me another

Hell yeah. That's where they love him.

Johnny Stone Cold gives the fans exactly

what they want. Ohh. And if you want to

see me drag gets Coffin out into a field

and set it ablaze, give me one more hell

yeah. And that's

the bottom line cause Stone Cold said

so.

We'll be back with more excitement after

this. And don't forget, every Sunday

beginning October 8th, we kick things off

at 7:00 PM with WWF Heat, followed

by Celebrity Deathmatch at 8:00. Then at



takes viewers on location. Recreate some

of the biggest and most dangerous stunts

found in today's hottest music videos.

Then at 9, it's ******* a new

show featuring silly pranks, absurd

antics and idiotic stunts performed by

total *********. Good morning, this is

Johnny Knoxville. Falling. I'm doing a

stunt tomorrow where I get put in

a porta potty and dumped upside down

and it's going to be full of

who and what not and I need

to know what pertinent shots I need

to receive before this stunt goes down.

That MTV Sunday nights at 7 beginning

October 8th, and we'll be right back.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is

Steve O.

Umm.

You know, folks, being a professional

wrestler isn't all fun and games, but

mostly it is. Yeah. Like anyone else, we

like to cut loose and let our hair down.

Well, back when I had hair, I did. And

that's why the guys at Celebrity

Deathmatch are so incredible. It was just

a few weeks ago that my good friends.

Nick and Johnny did something so

thoughtful, so amazing and so generous

that I damn near had a stroke. Take

a look at the day's death match played

host to the one The only man Kai.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. If

you're just tuning in, World Wrestling

Federation sensation Mankind has been

offered a unique opportunity to get. And

the death match ring with anyone he

chooses. Mankind. Who's it gonna be?

Well, there's a bunch of people I'd like

to pound into the pavement. Triple H, The

Big Show. But there's one man in

particular I've always wanted to meet. In

fact, I modeled my entire career after

his, and it would be an honor to kick

his big freckle left. Ladies and

gentlemen, Ernest Hemingway, Hemingway's

novel choice and good use of the

death Match time machine. Let's take a

look at these two fighters. Hemingway has

truly had a storybook career. He won

the Pulitzer and the Nobel Prizes. His

books are skimmed by millions of high

school students every year. What many

people don't know about Papa is his

incredible tolerance for pain. He

headbutted his way out of a burning

plane, was wounded in action in World w*r

One, and we'd be here all night tallying

up all his excruciating paper cuts.

Mankind, meanwhile, has amassed an

impressive body of work himself, in

addition to 1 New York Times best selling

autobiography. He's also had five broken

ribs, 8 concussions, 2 broken noses, half

an ear ripped off, plus he's got a screw

loose Nick now. Seriously Johnny? It was

installed in his knee after a 15 foot

drop onto solid concrete and it came

loose a week later during a 30 foot drop

onto solid concrete. Bottom line, these

two guys seem to love. Thing it's

Michael versus masochist, and it's ready

to start. I want a good,

clean fight. No split infinitives, no

dangling participles, no sentence

fragment. Now let's get it on.

OK, Chester, put up your Dukes. Mr.

Hemingway. Sir, do you know the

difference between my book and yours?

Mine's better. Mine weighs more.

Time starts things off with his own

devastating version of Pulp Fiction. In

case you didn't get it the first time,

here's the book review.

Trying to deliverance that devastating

hardcover smash, he really has an eye for

brutality. Men can do many things, the

kind of good, true things that can make

another man cry. But not if he hits like

a girl. This

action is reminiscent of the heavyweight

classic Death in the Afternoon. Reminds

me of the classic movie Ernest Goes to

Town on another man's asks Who who's

amazing mankind seems to be enjoying

himself down there. Looks like the great

Key West fisherman is growing a hook

rather than a punch.

That's one hell of a catch he's got

down there. But getting real him in? I

don't know, Nick. It looks like she may

need a bigger boat. Unbelievable. He's

landed mankind like a limp mackerel.

Mankind getting in his face. His giant

cannon was a liability. Now it's anasset.

Damn it, man, what the hell have you been

eating for a couple of highbrow pencil

pushers? These two writers really know

how to take a beating. I've learned much

in this life. In fact, I picked this up

during a brief sojourn on the Left Bank.

It's called the Ezra #.

Who's your Papa? I think Kevin,

we might need a bigger stapler.

Who's your Papa?

Unbelievable. Nothing

I love more little pain, especially when

I'm the one dishing it out.

Lookout man kinds in a hangman. He's

trapped a few more seconds than those

ropes will twist the life out of him.

OK, son, there's only two ways this can

end the easy way or the Hemingway.

Oh my God. And meant kind of

steps by the skin of his head.

The literary lion is trying to manhandle

mankind into submission.

I'm hurting you.

This Johnny, What the hell is

mankind doing? I think it's if

I only have one thing to

say to you. It's Soco time.

Yes, it's mankind. Savagely spelling

signature moves. The Mandible Claw. Have

a nice day. Hemingways

choice flowed from his skull and another

great literary mind ends up on the

floor. Right there. And

when there is mankind, it seems truth

really is more violent than fiction. And

we're just moments away from our main

event, a heavy metal meltdown between the

leaders of Limp Bizkit and Metallica

right after the. Just wanted to thank

you guys for the opportunity, you know?

To k*ll my idol. You give me so

much pain. I want to give something back.

Ohh. What did you have in mind? Only

the biggest, the most incredible, most

dangerous stunt ever to be attempted in

the history of Celebrity Deathmatch. How

do I get to the top of this

arena? Try that door over there. Marked

exit. Thanks.

Sucker. Yeah, they played a trick on old

mankind, but that's what friends do to

each other, and that's why mankind

decided to surprise them right back with

the most dangerous stunt he's ever

pulled. Sure, they had to remove his

pancreas and all that happened, but he

wanted to give his friends. Something

really big. Here's how it went down.

Hatfield is the winner.

Everybody. Good God, it's mankind. Why?

Had a problem getting in through the

door? But never mind. Well, I told you

I had something that would bring down the

house, so here it goes. He can't mean

it that someone k*ll him. This is one

small step for man, one giant leap for

me. And God.

Unbelievable Mankind takes out the entire

death match ring with a Dominican

deathtrap. I've never seen anything like

it. What an incredible finish for Nick

Diamond. This is Johnny Gomez saying good

fight. No, hang on, Johnny.

Anyone seen Mills? Boy, that stunt was

pretty incredible. Although I guess they

never did find Mills Lane. Well, thanks

for tuning in for Celebrity Deathmatch.

I'm Mick Foley. Have a nice day.

Hello people, Johnny Gomez here asking

you to listen up. Celebrity death match

is moving to a new time on a

new night. Now catch celebrity death

match every Sunday night at 8 Same

star-studded savagery you know and love

Sunday night settings on MTV as part of.

Sundays.