03x15 - Courtney Love Returns

[bunniefuu]

With just the hostility that's awesome.

Comic legend tries to flatten his former

state. Man feel the fear when it exiles

Star meets a current preteen powerhouse

and ingests the ugliness when 3. Every

chart toppers pound out a few smashes.

All this tonight on a little something

we like to call so Celebrity Deathmatch.

What the hell are you folks? Welcome to

the only damn show left in America worth

watching. I'm Johnny Gomez here with Nick

Diamond. We've got a full night's worth

of Hollywood hellraisers here. And if we

don't get things started soon, well,

let's just say I can only hope you've

made out your will, John. Good God, I

forgot. First

off, in tonight's cavalcade of carnage,

roof lunatic Nick Nolte is reunited with

his old partner in crime solving comedy

legend Eddie Murphy. Who really is more

important to a movie. The straight man

all a funny man deathmatch fans want

answers, and they'll get some in a fight.

We're calling yet another 48 hours after

that, it's a clash of the. That broke

kids. Macaulay Culkin's all grown up, and

it can't be easy for him to stomach the

meteoric rise of today's prepubescent

powerhouse Haley Joel Osment. Finally,

the three fighters in our main event have

an old grudge that's really starting to

fester. Foo Fighter Dave Grohl and

Smashing Pumpkins Billy Corgan team up to

t*rture their old arch rival. Courtney

loves. And the best part? It's all

going down within the confines of that

old death match favorite, the Domo

Devastation. Fans may remember Courtney's

last visit to the deathmatch ring when

her brawl with pop star Brandy was

interrupted by 1 unhappy Mama Grizzly

Bear. Amazingly, Courtney survived that

attack. Our correspondent Debbie

Matenopoulos brings us this inspirational

story of one woman's hope, courage and

overwhelming desire to shed her image as

a trashy rock star wannabe. It wasn't

long ago that this very ring was littered

with the bloody bits and pieces of

America's favorite musical performer,

Courtney Love.

A severed foot here, a shattered elbow

there. The girl was a disgusting half

dead heap of humanity. This is her story.

I was bringing pieces of celebrity to the

dumpster, but when I looked down at her

leg. He was wiggling as invoices

twitching Monday. Yours. She's still

alive. They all Courtney must have been

about 50 or 60 different pieces. I had to

move fast if I was going to save her, so

I slapped that pile of guts on the table

and got busy. 100 yards of 30 silk and a

couple of tubs I down later, Miss Love

was back together. Of course, the hardest

freaking part was still to come. Of

stuff we'll hear more of courtney's

courageous story later but now let's go

ringside where our first fight is getting

underway and there's our first fighter

star of dozens of movies of varying

quality, Nick Nolte. Now let me just put

the rumors to bed right now, Johnny ohh

we share a first name and many of

the. Same physical characteristics. Nick

Nolte and I are definitely not

related. What rumors You know about

us being related? Hey, where's your

mustache? Ohh. I'm waxing my face

now. What do you think? OK,

where is he? I'm here. I'm

ready to fight. No funny business.

I'm just an actor who has to happen this

fight like a fighter. Who's Nick Nolte

talking to? Johnny. Is he crazy? I

suspect this is all his way of throwing

himself into a role. Well, this may turn

out to be his most demanding performance

ever. OK, I'm just receiving word that

Eddie Murphy is running a few minutes

behind. Look, nothing starting things up

without. You can't fool me. I I

know your tricks. You're Eddie Murphy in

disguise. Is it possible that that fat

man is really Eddie Murphy? I wouldn't

put it past him. Nick. The guys are

regular chameleon. Murphy. The jig is up.

No, no. My names, Franklin. I'm just here

for the violence. Ohh. Crap. Eddie

Murphy, I'll take off that damn mess.

Clearly, that is not Eddie

Murphy's bloody face with skull.

Aha. OK, Mr. Who do

you think you're fooling? What?

My name's William. I'm just

an innocent popcorn guy. Yeah.

Ohh. There's probably actually now

this.

Unbelievable. One stubborn son of a g*n.

He's absolutely convinced that his

opponent is somewhere in this crowd, and

he's working through them one fan at a

time. Well, I'm afraid Nick Nolte is in

for a surprise, because it looks like the

real Eddie Murphy has arrived. And

here he comes now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's. Nick Nolte. Wait a second.

Novelties already here. What the Hell's

in this coffee? Hang on. I think

one of these fighters is Nick Nolte

and the other is Eddie Murphy dressed

up like Nick Nolte. But which is

which? Will the real Eddie Murphy please

stand up? I'm Nick Nolte. What? I'm.

Take note. Remember I played the cop in

the movie. See, I even brought my

nightstick. Ohh.

Maybe I am Eddie. I don't know if that's

such a long career. I played so many

roles, I can't be sure. I better not take

that chance. Unprecedented.

Nick built these, picked his own

asset. Man is clearly insane and

clearly unconscious.

Hey, I recognize that goofy laugh.

You're Eddie Murphy. Yes, you found

me out.

Hey.

Incredibly sort of strategy, Johnny.

After wearing them down, Murphy tricks

his opponent. As I'm knocking himself

out, he's stuck trying to creativity

that's kept him thriving in this

business. So you

don't want me to put this guy away? Well,

ohh, OK. Damn it, I don't

like being tricked and I especially don't

like Buckley. I'll be cool, brother.

Y'all be cool. Come on now. I was just

playing with you, partner. We ain't

partners. We ain't brothers. And we ate

bread.

Hey man, it's on my head. That's for

you. Hey,

how'd you do that?

You don't believe it?Slapping Murphy

with his own hand.

Hey, Parker, check him out.

Hey. Three together keep it together keep

it together keep it together keep it

together we portable Nokia has taken any

Murphy's still beating heart and fed it

to him I'm getting.

Very tired. Someone

please go ahead, please.

And this fight is over and a heartbeat

with no gears there, with a dazzling turn

around for a straight man, Nick Nolte

throwing himself completely into this,

the most demanding role of his career.

One things for sure, if there is an

Oscar for asking, Nick Nolte would.

Ohh, he definitely win one right?

Definitely.

Welcome back to celebrity Deathmatch.

We've got another batch of big time

bruises ready to go but first Debbie

met Annapolis has more on Courtney loves

triumphant return to the ring moron is

right after countless. Hours of surgery

plus a whole lot of painkillers. Courtney

regained consciousness and demanded that

the doctors remove her many bandages. I

love this thing. Going to be easy but

just remember the swelling will go down.

How do I look?

You know, you're not too bad. Get

Me Out of here.

That is one brave purple monster. Ohh,

lady. We'll have more of her incredible

story later, but right now it's time for

our second fight. Child star of yesterday

Macaulay Culkin is all grown up and ready

to take on current preteen phenomenon

Haley Joel. Husband Nick, what do you

make of this matchup? Bottom line, there

are couple of great kids and it sure will

be fun to watch them try and tear each

other's livers out. So let's go to the

ring. Here he is star of Home Alone One

and Two, as well as a couple of movies

that he was a little too old for the

original Bad Seed. Colleen Culkin and

his opponent style, the six and



Haley Joel Osment. Look at this

former deathmatch competitor Bruce Willis

has come to lend his support.

Now, Haley, do you remember what

I told you? Try and pull

out his what?Dog is jugular

vein right now. Tear that out and

you're home free. Good luck in there,

kid. Thanks, Bruce.

I'm gonna tear you a new starfish.

I I don't understand. Ohh, you will.

What is that some kind of hip hop phrase?

Tear you a new starfish? I I'll, I'll

tell you later to make this fight as

unnecessarily brutal as possible. We've

done the ring up like a great school

playground. There's a swing set by slide

and even a sandbox and talk about

accuracy, Johnny. There's quite an

impressive Booker colony. Underneath that

swing, say, Mr. Culkin, how about an

autograph for my grandson Leroy? Sure,

you got a pen?

Ohh damn, not a problem.

Oh my God.

Here you go, Pops. Ohh. Well, thank you

very much. Did you see that, Nick? He

signed his name in blood. This kid is

tough. You don't have to tell that to

poor Haley. He's a wreck. OK, kid,

playtime is over. This is work time.

Let's get it on.

Yeah, you big juvenile

delinquent. Whatever. Ohh.

Ohh. See Source

Slam by the Home Alone star picking on

kids smaller than him. Yeah, yeah, his

Culkin. It's a playground bully.

Poor kid can't help but feel sorry for

little fella. Come on, boy. Still might

get you down. Hey, you gotta be tough

in this business. I mean, look at me.

Think about all the bombs I've survived.

That dog has Haley all wound up and

looking for blood. What now, kid? It's

crazy. Handful of sandbox sand. Lines but

calling Coco and carries on the

attack game. That's it. Yeah go

kid, go get off my base.

I caught it. Ohh.

Haley is down. Ohh yeah you're

just jealous you never got nominated

for an Oscar.

Umm, I'm not jealous of you too.

OK kid. You wanna play hardball? Fine,

cut it out. You're going to be

a disgruntled team too. Something don't

get you started.

No, don't put me inside please.

Metal is super hot ohh.

You stinky pig flashed up

jerk. Oh oh, why that

little knee biting ********. They

say to succeed in Hollywood

you've gotta be hungry. I'd

say this husband. It is

famished, you little turd.

I didn't want to have to do this, but I'm

sending you all around the world.

Chevy stating turn for Josh Hawley.

Fine. Are you OK? I think so,

but I feel weird. What are all

these people doing here? What? Ohh, no,

not again. What is it? I see

dead people. There. It is, ladies and

gentlemen, Haley Joel Osment that likes

the crowd with his signature line. I've

been waiting for it all night.

I'm afraid to fight to the death. I'm a

little mama's baby. Why don't you quit

making excuses and just go back to your

momma? You little dude. You're the goof

and you'll be a dead goof if you don't

stop teasing me. Whatever little flake

and training you asked for it get him

dead people.

What the Hell's going on, Jimmy? What the

hell is going on? I have no idea what the

Hell's going on, but calling coconuts

being my formal part by forces.

Ohh oh

oh I

win, I

win.

Haley Joel Osment is the winner.

Thanks guys, I couldn't have done it

without you. I gotta love it.

I told you not to mess with me.

It's a special night because for the

first time ever I contestant we declared

legally dead has returned to fight again.

Inspiring to say the least. Johnny Debbie

Minneapolis is here with the rest of

Courtney loves heart wrenching recovery.

Well, eventually the swelling. Could go

down and her wounds healed, but Courtney

would still face the most challenging

test of all, physical therapy. Come on,

Courtney, you can do it. Pretend I'm

Edward Norton or some powerful Hollywood

executive. Now get the hell over here and

give me a big old smooch.

Now, hell, you OK, walk it off. And walk

it off she did. Today, Courtney has

regained use of her arms and legs, not to

mention the twinkle in her eye. One

things for sure, this incredible story,

but a twinkle in the eye of this

reporter. Back to you, Johnny. That

Courtney Love, she's got some heart. I

know. I saw it.

Here she comes now, but got us some fun

just making her triumphant return to the

death match ring. Courtney Love.

And here comes one of her opponents,

former drummer for Nirvana and Foo

Fighter founder Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl is

getting an impromptu Mentos shower. First

shower that nappy guys seen in a long

while. Here comes

his partner, Smashing Pumpkins, Billy

Corgan. Maybe you can explain the grudge

that's brought them here. Well, Johnny

Courtney started things with the rumor

that her ex-husband Kurt Cobain, lead

singer of Nirvana, hated drummer Dave

Grohl. Ohh. But how does Billy Corgan

come into this? So Courtney's ticked off

that Billy's. Claiming responsibility for

many of our new hits. So. So everyone

knows the rumor that it was Kurt Cobain

who wrote many of Courtneys earlier hits

and now Billy's claiming credit too. The

lady's got an ego to protect, not to

mention a man sized grudge. Well the good

news is that she's come to the right

place. The total devastation. In honor of

our guest positions, we rated all the

music stores in town and attached the

stuff to the walls of this Dome.

Drumsticks, banjo, string shaped music.

If it's music related, it's in there for

our guests to use. Fight it be my

command at all times. No weapons allowed

other than what's attached to the walls.

We open the door when one of you bite.

OK Paco, let's bring her up.

Ohh look at this Billy Corgan's not in

the drink.

No, I didn't make it.

Jen, that's still what devastation. A

little help for anybody. You gotta get

in here. That's the point. The Skype

one together.

Trying.

Can't you see he's stuck in this really

sucks. Ohh. Billy Corgan seems very angry

with this turn of events, but despite all

his rage, he's still just trapped in this

case.

Snow right side numb. This

situation obviously begs the question,

which devastating Dome will prevail?

Baby, you can't start the fight by

partners trap. It's not fair. You're

afraid to take me by yourself, Davey. No,

no, it's just this.

Never mind ohh my gosh, Billy Corgan

has ohh his head Ohh it's just

too horrible to describe. Not for me.

You see folks, the incredible pressure

created by the Dome servo engines caused

Corgan skull to finally give out and

his great. Like white egghead pop, right?

Like a smashed pumpkin. That was pretty

gross. Yeah. Well, you know what? We're

just getting started. Let's get it off.

I'm gonna beat you like a bad habit. Not

that you know what that feels like.

Who goes to work pounding out occasions

on cookie cranium?

The answers were not blessed. The closed

crime and what the currency to those

moves. The same way he wrote all your

songs. No recorded Billy, make them up

for you. The same way he wrote your last

album. Actually, I learned this move from

Petaled then. Lookout

Groves breaking up the brass section.

Ohh.

I don't care what you say, Kurt. Like

me more. Kurt liked me more. Me. Me,

you freaking Yoko.

What? What did you call me? I

didn't say anything. Ohh,

she's going to make growth slow.

Those words and that keyboard. We'll

never know for their sampling techniques

until now. How's it taste, food?

I keep talking now I remember what hurt

Never let you open your mouth.

Look at this, it's the rarely seen auto

Limerick and now all attached with the

keyboard. Now I've got you where

I want you and we're so many of my

colleagues have already had you.

Courtney loves mighty Thunder thighs, her

blood stained going up into the roof of

this stone. I think he's stuck. Good look

he's moving from that big player piano.

Ohh no, Courtney had better lookout.

This point is over. Ohh little

ragtime. How appropriate you rag.

Game bowling the winner.

A fantastic finish, Foo fighter Dave

Grohl withstands the early loss of

partner Billy Corgan to dominate Courtney

Love and win this fight and all

that painful rehab that Courtney endured

for nothing.

Lookout, they've grown. Here come the

Mentos. Hey, knock it off early.

For Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny

Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond. Good fight,

good night.