03x16 - The Return of Lucy Lawless

[bunniefuu]

Who will pay the toll when 2 celebrity

salesman make a long distance k*lling?

What happens when presidential thespians

debate the death penalty for each other?

And who will triumph when 2 tuneful trios

attack, pack up the baby's and grab the

old ladies for the half hour good time?

The best known as Celebrity

Deathmatch. Hello, everybody. I'm Johnny

Gomez. And I'm Nick Diamond. Ladies and

gentlemen. We've had a lot of fights over

the years, and we get a lot of fan mail.

But when the dust settles and the blood

dries, there's one death match that seems

to stick in everyone's mind. Let's look

at a clip of a fight that rewrote the

book on celebrity warfare. Jaws dropped

when Lucy Lawless. Owned by some Azino

warrior, Princess became impregnated with

her opponent, Calista Flockhart. And who

could have predicted what happened next

when Lucy actually gave birth to

Charleston just moments later?

Undoubtedly one of the most dramatic

moments in deathmatch history. And that's

why tonight, in a special ceremony at the

end of the show. They'll be presenting

Miss Lawless with an award honoring her

as most dangerous and entertaining female

of the year, and not just because it's a

great tax write off to fly her over here

from New Zealand. As you can see, a

record-breaking crowd has turned out to

greet Miss Lawless. Kenya. Feel the

excitement in the air Johnny, can you

feel the electricity?Can you feel the

body under the desk? What? Oh my God. Oh

my God. Oh my God. How do these crazy

Xena fans keep getting into the book? Is

she here yet? Oh my God. Is she here? Use

the button. Nick. No, no, please. I just

want to meet her. Will you just give her

the scarf made out of my hair?



Xena will be joining us later in the

program folks, but until then, we have a

rock em sock em show ready to go

in our first bout. 2 telephone service

spokesman are dialing for damage has

David Arquette goes person to person with

Paul Riser. Then they both played the

president. They're both from famous

Hollywood families. But which actor has

what it takes to survive the electoral

carnage? Michael Douglas takes on Martin

Sheen in The Campaign for Pain and

in our exciting main event, ripped

straight from the Top 40, CW slams

up against R&B in an ugly three

on three. The Dixie Chicks Meet TLC.

You might. Well, our first two fighters

as successful comic actors who hit the

big time, then sold out for lucrative

commercial endorsements, David Arquette

and Paul Reiser are all over the

television, annoying everyone with their

collect calling and long distance plans.

And right now we'll find out who's the

better actor turned spokesperson in a

fight we're calling Death of A. Telephone

salesman. We've pitched these pitchmen

into the ring with an assortment of foes

to be used as weapons. And although they

make slaughter each other with them,

Please remember the telephone is not a

toy. David, you're young, you're famous,

you're in a bunch of movies. Why are you

honing in on my gig? I don't know, man.

Now that I'm married. I guess I'll need

the money. Married. Yes, to Courtney Cox.

And she's she's what? A billionaire?

Yeah. Cool, huh?

Hang on, I got another call.

Alright, you 2 put down their phones and

put up your Dukes. Let's get it on.

Cat, listen to me. Mad about you is

finished. It's cup put. OK, let me do all

the phone ends. I need the work. Ohh,

poor little poor boy. Poor little

unemployed boy. You'll be back.

They don't cut it out. Don't make me do

something we'll both regret. You mean

like this? Ohh. He's gonna make him eat

those words and that cell phone.

Wonderful. Razors got his

hands full fighting this weirdo.

Hello, David, it's Rosanna. Ohh. Look,

I'm your sister. I want to be in Scream



movies. Excuse me? Is this going to take

long? Because I'm really not very

comfortable. Damn it, David, I made this

family famous, not you. And he needs it.

God, don't they have to call Mom? I will

have. Rosanna, you're breaking up. I'll

call you back. Out

our kit cracks riser spine with our cell

phone flip. That is one flexible

performer little jerk. Maybe you've

forgotten how me and Sigourney Weaver

kick ****. And aliens.

Ohh, debilitating kick to the knee.

Hello, David. It's Nick Cage. I'm looking

for your sister, Patricia. I'm sorry.

David and I are fighting to the death

right now. Can I take a message? She

doesn't want to talk to you. God. You

might find my new book helpful. It's

called Divorce With Hope Lost. My

beautiful wife. She's a flower. Ohh

Kit is getting crunched. Didn't he learn

anything on the set of that Ready to

Rumble movie? Don't count him out. Get

Nick, he's going for the phone call.

Do you really expect people to believe

it's only $0.05 to call Bolivia? I don't

think so dude.

It's the David Letterman Shanghai index

card flick. Miss me? I'm afraid risers

dead wrong about that. I'm going to make

you pay for that and for my mother's

phone bill. I called her collect and it

cost me 50 bucks.

Ohh our kid better call 911

because prices are rampage. Ohh I

certainly hope our kept dials with

his left hand. Hello. Hi

honey, it's Courtney. I tried to call

your cell phone, but all I could hear was

digestion. Anyway, what do you want for

dinner? Ice cubes or lettuce?

Whatever you want, honey.

Price has been pushed over the edge. I

will not be run out of Hollywood by some

freak show who grew up on a cameo. He's

lost control of his emotions and his

opponent Riser just can't seem to make

the connection with Arquette. What are

you doing dude? I think it's time to

terminate this call. Is it safe to have a

cell phone so close to your?That it looks

like our cat is gonna lethal cooling

plant in mine for rises brain. Wait, no,

I've got another sitcom in the words My

three dads. Operator

Yes, I'd like to make a collect

call to Paul Reiser's head. Dr. Minute.

Plane Riser's about to be permanently

disconnected. Time to say bye. Bye, Love.

The concentration of microwaves around

Bryson's head is dangerously high. The

signal.

Ohh, man. Excellent. The winner is David

Arquette. True to his screen character,

Dewey, David Arquette has survived to the

bitter end. And he sent Paul Riser

up to that big switchboard in the

sky. What's that? It's Xena. She's here.

She's. Here, where is she?

Do you know Cena? We love you.

Today, Nick, how are you? I

can't believe it. It's really you.

And you're here. You're actually here.

And it's you that's wrong with

you. Wow, Johnny, did you see

who's here? It's Cena. And she's

really here. She's really wow.

Ohh good boy, that's more like

it. There's lots more mayhem following

these messages.

We're back and believe it or not, we're

here with syndicated action hero Lucy

Lawless and pleasure to be here guys. I'm

so flattered to be named the most

dangerous and entertaining female of the

year. So Lucy, how have you been since

your death match and the birth? Ohh, just

wonderful Johnny and I've got pictures of

my little. Let's see, this is her at four

months and this is her and at first mini

skirt and ohh, what's this? Ohh yeah, her

first fight with a 10 headed serpent.

Where's Khalistan now, Lucy? Well, sadly

she's gone while I was on Xena sh**t in

the Australian Outback at Dingo Stole my

baby. Whoa. Well, maybe our spirits will

be brightened. By the impending carnage

in the ring. A number of actors have

played the president in a variety of

films. John Travolta in Primary Colors,

Harrison Ford in Air Force One, Bill

Pullman in Independence Day. But at a

very informal poll taken in the parking

lot on Sunday at 4:00 AM, we found that

two names rose above the others. Martin

Sheen. And Michael Douglas. Michael

Douglas played an American president and

the American president. And Martin Sheen

plays the chief every week on The West

Wing. Let's find out what it takes to be

named best actor playing the president.

This isn't going to be one of those long,

boring political debates, is it? That all

depends on what? On whether or not you

think 2 blood. Thirsty celebrities

beating the crap out of each other is

boring.

There was a hush, a calm in the

ring. Two men met for a journey. Both

knew one wasn't coming back.

To Apocalypse Now, Alright, no friendly

stuff and that's some mud slinging. Let's

get it all. Ladies and gentlemen. I

am a Douglas, which makes me a

Hollywood legacy. My family is

responsible for classic films like

Spartacus, The China Syndrome and A

Chorus Line. For these reasons, I believe

you should choose. Me as best actor

playing the president. What does a

Hollywood legacy have to do with

anything? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a

Sheen and an Estevez. My family is

responsible for classics like Dead Zone,

Men At Work, and High Velocity. Oh that

Men At Work is 1. Fantastic movie. OK,

let's open it up for questions. You

there, step on up. OK, alright. Are you

guys gonna talk all night or are you

gonna kick each other's *****? Let kids

seems to speak for the whole crowd. I

guess when you're a public servant, you

should give the public what they want.

Nothing. Political protest and the

nuclear economy. You'll never beat me.

Not love. The American flag is still

flying. An excellent demonstration of

executive power. Mr. Douglas, I don't

intend to beat you. I intend to

hunt you down and k*ll you with

extreme. You slimy, cradle robbing,

alleged sex addiction that's got a lock

on the part of President and Don Douglas.

Can't break the wall.

Ohh I still haven't forgiven you how

you treated me and Charlie in Wall

Street. Talk about

spam control. Unbelievable. Let me show

you how this president would bruise

your kidneys. Ohh. And how this

president would collapse your lungs.

She doesn't get up soon. It's gonna be

a perfect m*rder for Michael Douglas. It

was dark all around and I was cold.

A low whisper was repeating in my head.

Cut the crap. Look, Penny, how dare you?

Back Why don't we see how this president

look without feet? From now on, it looks

like Douglas will be hobbling down the

streets of San Francisco. As a child of

immigrants, I represent the American

dream. If anyone has more presidential,

it's me. But I'm a child of immigrants,

too, and I'm really rich.

That drumstick is deadly. And who's going

to be the first lady, Douglas.

Vanished teeny bopper. She's not a teeny

bopper. And for your information, she's

welched. Catherine Zeta Douglas is a

Welshman. Aren't you a little old to

be dating anyway? I mean, my God,

man, look at these jewels. Oh, oh.

That seat, you poor man's Michael

Douglas. I've had it. Everyone in this

country is crazy and nothing works and

I'm at the end of my freaking rope.

Douglas seems to be reverting to the

angry character he played in Falling

Down. Literally. Ohh,

believe it. If I wasn't seeing it,

Michael Douglas is eating Martin Sheen.

Talk about your basic instincts.

Believable. Who? Look at him go. Is he

going to eat the whole thing? That's kind

of greedy, don't you think? Like greed is

good. Ohh

God my heart seeing appears to be having

a heart attack just like he did on

the set of Apocalypse Now in 78. Ohh

Mr. Sheen, can you continue?

Ohh brilliant fake out. But what is he

doing now? I think we're witnessing one

man's bizarre journey into the heart of

darkness.

Ohh this is down. I think

this fight is over. The harder

the harder. Martin Sheen

is the winner. Martin Sheen defies the

odds and bucks off his clout to best his

opponent, Michael Douglas. I guess this

means no w*r of the Roses to both of

these bands. Wanted this fight to take

place on their home. Had to figure out a

fair way to choose the dangerous and

exciting. Lucy Lawless is down in the

ring with more. Thanks, Johnny. Looks

like we're having a tug of

w*r to decide Homecourt advantage. Can

I get a volunteer? Me, me,

pick me. Lovely. All right. On

the count of 3123.

Oh, oh,

oh, that's

gotta hurt.

And it looks like the Dixie Chicks win

by about two inches while the ring is

being modified to their specifications.

Let's take a look at some of the

eerie similarities between these two

terrifying trios. Both fans hail from the

South, both replaced their lead singles

before hitting it big, and both have won

numerous Grammy Awards. Combined height

of each band equals exactly 16 feet, and

if you rearrange the letters of all three

girls names that either band, you'll get

the phrase Elvis is alive and living in

Des Moines. Hello, chocolate pudding. And

now it's time to kick some deathmatch,

asks country and western style.

The members of TLC look a little lost in

this setting. This is a bar. Where's the

dance floor? Where's the DJ? Now? This is

respectable establishment. I don't want

to see you ladies not fighting in here.

Let's get it on.

Yeah.

Ohh, OC has been bounced out of this bar.

OK, now let's get down to business. Tea

Box, you take the tall one. Chili, you

take the short one with no neck. Why are

you always ordering us around? Left Eye?

Yeah. Who made you queen? I'm Left Eye

Lopez. And if you don't like it, I'm

going solo. Just can't seem

to get along. Where you going Hun? The

fun is just beginning.

Marty Sydell plays a mean fiddle. They're

going to have to start calling her left

hand Lopez. Or maybe Clementine. I've

always liked that name.

Ohh I hope she boss has her poker

face on. Hit me you asked for it.

There it goes. Unbelievable. And I heard

Left Eye was the one who usually lost her

head. Ohh great. I suppose you're gonna

want a day off now. Hi, Tibas. Things

aren't looking good for the band named

after the Learning Channel. Cute

girl. I want to go home, Lisa. I don't

like this. We don't show out chilly.

They're just a bunch of stupid hits. We

could take them. We gotta strategize,

girl. Left eye Lopez, as the self

appointed dictator of her band, struggles

to pull what's left of her team together.

What are they doing? How you Dixie

Chicken, how you like this?

Emily Irwin is down and Natalie takes us



in trouble. Excellent

work, if I do say so

myself. But I did that, Lisa.

It was me. Shut up. And

TLC. Ohh, my hair. Ohh, he's

got the branding iron.

Ohh, my thumb. It's

hot hot.

But here you go, darling, this will cool

you down. Marty has sent Chilly up for

our harmful helping of Southern

hospitality.

Ohh, that booze is really going to

Chili's head. She may have reached her

limit. Ohh but I don't want to die.

I just found my daddy.

And Chili is dead. I think Chelsea is

gonna need a little TLC after this fight.

Somebody ordered chili.

Well, thank heavens for Dale Evans.

The remaining Dixie Chicks have cornered

left eye Lopez. No, we gotta stop

this fight right now. But why? Because

I'm, I'm bankrupt. Yeah, that's right.

Bankrupt. Fight over, huh? That's not

going to work this time, lefty. Beside,

you won't need any money. We're we're

going to send you. Now it looks like

it's lights out for left eye. But wait.

The wagon wheel wipeout. Incredible. TLC

is the winner. No no no

no, not TLC. Lisa Left eye

Lopez. Left eye is the winner

of superstar death match. You mean

celebrity death match? No Left eye

Lopez is the winner of the

International. For Star Death Match, Left

Eye Lopez is the queen of the Earth's.

Left Eye Lopez is the giant invisible

snake that governs all beings. From now

on, both eyes will be left. That's enough

out of you. Now beat it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time

to bestow a special award upon a

very special woman. Here she is, the

warrior Princess herself, Lucy Lawless.

Lucy Lawless, on behalf of Celebrity

Deathmatch, we hereby name you most

dangerous and entertaining Female of the

Year. I'd like to thank **** Merchant,

all the death Match fans, ohh. And I'd

also like to thank Diana, Goddess of the

Hunt. If you're watching at home, I love

you, baby. I'm sorry,

but that award is mine. What the hell?

Yeah, I'm the most dangerous and

entertaining female of the year. That

award is for Lucy Lawless. It's inscribed

on the Cup. Amy

Byrd, this place down. Ladies, women,

countrymen, give me your ears. I'm

telling you, bro, from now on, the days

of the week will be Monday, Tuesday, left

day, our day, all day, every day. That

award is mine. And I've been fighting

Superman goggles and drunken centaurs day

in and day out to get look, girlfriend.

Get tired. OK, Why don't you step aside

and let a real woman handle the business?

Oh, oh, oh, that Lucy

Lawless really is the most

dangerous and entertaining female of

the year to all women

everywhere.



and I'm Nick Diamond saying good fight,

good night.