03x17 - Halloween Episode II

[bunniefuu]

Looking good.

Good evening and welcome to Celebrity

Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez. I'm Nick

Diamond. And if you enjoy the gruesome

sight of famous people's blood being

released from its natural organic

environment and splashed haphazardly onto

canvas before a live televised audience.

It's only 1/2 hour show. I'm running

my own material now, Johnny. Yeah, I

notice. Well anyway, if you like action,

you've come to the right. Wait. I

think that's Debbie. So it

is. Hey, maybe she has her foot

caught in a blender. Or maybe a

wild rhino is jabbing her with his

giant Tusk. Wouldn't that be something?

Johnny, Johnny.

Debbie, what the Hell's wrong?

I was brushing my hair and all of

a sudden the dead woman with the

microphone tried to choke me.

A dead woman, she had blonde

hair in a ponytail and worms

crawling out of her skin. Stacy

Cornbread.

Stacey, are you OK? Don't sweat it, kid.

It's just gas. Come on and let loose

for us. You see?

What are you doing? Spontaneous human

combustion. I guess she was right all

along. Poor Stacy.

I don't know if there's a poltergeist in

this arena or what, but the show must go

on, right? Nick? You ready for some death

match action? You're damn right I am on

tonight's show. 3 incredible, difficult

to animate matchups between some of the

world's most ridiculous entertainers.

First up from The Wizard of Oz. 17

of the surviving Munchkins will go head

to kneecap against those 70 survivors,

the Village People. After that, the cast

of Broadway's legendary Miss Saigon

matches wits and hits with the entire

League of Women Voters in a sick, twisted

free for all with rocks and sticks.

Finally, in our dramatic main event, it's

an underwater. Rock'n'roll rumble as the

members of Third Eye Blind, Matchbox 20,

and Dexys Midnight Runners are submerged

That's right, submerged all the way to

the bottom of the Indian Ocean in

a fight we're calling 20,000 Leagues

Under the Sea of Death And as

if the fight card isn't already crowded

enough with. Beautiful people. You should

see the audience bursting with stars

eager to see their colleagues k*lling

each other. There's Martha Stewart,

Rodney Dangerfield and Michael Jackson.

This just might be the hottest ticket

in town. Let's go ringside where referee

Mills Lane is about to.

The announcers booth, right? What? Good

God, that's horrible. If it's the

ASPCA, I'm not here. OK, Right.

Well, good luck. Our thoughts are

with you folks. I'm afraid we

have some bad news. We just

received word from Deathmatch security

about a situation. Outside the arena,

a situation, well, more like a zombie

attack. Let's take a look at some

live pictures from downstairs.

Ohh, my gosh. They're trying to break in

to the contagious nature of this

situation. And to ensure the safety of

our audience, that match protocol

requires an immediate and total lockdown.

That means all exits and entries to the

arena will be sealed. Scary stuff. But we

can't worry too much about all that

because we've got our. Death match to

watch. Let's go to referee Mills Lane,

who will give our first fighters their

instruction. Johnny, What about the

lockdown? I thought nobody could get in

or out. Damn it. How do they expect us to

have a celebrity death match with no

celebrities? I'm going to go do something

about this, Johnny. It's so

funny, It's past the dead and it's

attacking my co-host.

Hey. What up Mummy?

Remember Me? I'm a blast from your

past, Johnny. I I'm OK guys. Luckily

I was rescued by none other than

hot young superstar Brendan Fraser.

I came out tonight to support the League

of Women Voters, but when I saw Johnny

getting his asss whooped, I knew it was a

good opportunity to prove I'm more than

just a watered down version of Harrison

Ford.

Honey, you shouldn't have done that.

Incredible. Brendan still appears to be

in top physical condition from his work

in George of the Jungle, and it's a good

thing, because he's gonna need every

ounce of energy to take out this raging

relic.

Ohh, that mummy's going home for a long

time, I wouldn't want my face that close

to him. My God, you're right Nick.

Chances are he hasn't brushed his teeth

in at least 3000 years. No, please,

please no. Wow, take a look at that.

Brendan's holding his breath. Think

he's holding his lunch? That nasty

mummy halitosis made him nauseous?

Brendan Frasier has blown it.

When the mummy launches A brutal

Cairo concussion, Brendan's in trouble.

This mummy may be strong in body but not

in mind. Doesn't he know any other moves?

Ohh, there's one and it looks like

our hero is back. He better get

it together. An

amazing recovery by Brendan Fraser and

the mummy is out of the ring.

What's he doing now?

Lookout. It's a plague of popcorn that's

the scariest of plagues, but I suppose

the mummy's options are limited inside

this arena.

Is that the best? You got money? Brendan

Fraser is a courageous young man. He's

not afraid to call that mummy out. Hey,

what the hell? The mummy has hit a

bit of a snag. He's caught on that

man's wrist watch. Ohh. You listen to

that, Johnny. It's the mummies. First,

ohh, here comes Brendan.

Unbelievable. The mummy's come undone.

Dude, You're the mummy. Yes, I am the

mummy. Now if you'll just help me get

these bandages back on, we can resume our

fight. I have a better idea.

It looks like it's taking him for a spin.

Down. I just want to go back to Egypt.

I'll give you a head start.

The little Egyptian man is down and

Frasers looking to finish him off. Ohh

look down.

Razer launches a powerful Imhotep *****

spank and the Mummy is toast.

The winner is Brendan Fraser. Some

incredible deathmatch action. Johnny, you

said it, Nick. Brendan Fraser saved

my life. Not only that, but

by whacking. But Mummy, he's gone ahead

and rid this arena of whatever evil spell

it's fallen under. Is that how it works?

Yeah, that's how it works in comic books.

Let's take a look outside and see if

things really have calmed down.

No, those something pumps are turning

over that dodge Aspen. Dodge Aspen.

I own a dodge Aspen. Hey,

wait a minute. Stop.

I just had a detail.

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

For those of you just tuning in,

tonight's fights have unfortunately been

preempted due to supernatural activity.

They k*lled Dusty. I'm sorry about your.

Carnick It seems a zombie attack has

prevented any of our celebrity fighters

from entering the arena, but fortunately

there was plenty of excitement inside

when Johnny had his ***** handed to him

by a mummy and then was rescued by

film star Brendan Fraser. I put up a

pretty decent fight. Sharia did Johnny,

let's go. Now to Deathmatch correspondent

Debbie Matenopoulos with an update on

this zombie situation. Debbie, guys, as

you can see behind me, it's a horrible

scene down here and a desperate run for

safety from the swarm of carnivorous

zombies. A bus carrying some of tonight's

fighters, including the surviving

Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz, lost

control and careened off a Cliff. And

while police cannot yet. Confirmed that

this was the actual Munchkin bus. They

did, however, find this giant lollipop

back to you guys.

This frigging lockdown, We're all

screwed. Every last one of us screwed,

I tell you.

Now forget the lockdown, I want to know

what's going on with these damn flies.

It's like the frigging Amityville Horror

in here. Ohh, And since when do flies

bite? Ohh, they're probably attracted to

your cheap Cologne. Ohh, I'm not wearing

Cologne. Ohh

God that's the biggest fly I've

ever seen. That's no flying. It's

a fast.

It's garbage.

Oh my God it's actually

morphing into.

Person. It's a vampire. It's a vampire.

Come on, you're a bunch of sissies

who wants a piece of.

Incredible. This vampire is looking for a

fight. What you're looking at. And anyone

out there wanna fight? Yes, I do.

Hey, I think you can relax, Nick.

Don't you know who that is? No.

It's Sarah Michelle Gellar. You know,

Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You but but

but you're a. What

a girl? Are you afraid to fight

a girl now? Damn you. Wow. Geller

is no stranger to the Death match

ring. Lucky for us she turned out

tonight. I'll say. Hey Miss Keller, you

ever fight a real vampire? Ohh. Are

you a real vampire? Like I'm so

sure. You don't believe me? Maybe you'd

like to take these for a ride.

OK, fat pants, prepare for the wrath of

the most lucrative franchise on the WB.

Uh-huh. And how about you prepare for me

to suck your blood?

Poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop.

Blood suck this instead.

What is it, holy water? No, even more

incredible. A blast from Elizabeth

Taylor's White Diamonds. I'll get you for

that. Strange Johnny. I've never seen a

blonde vampire. And while he's short

talks tough, he seems to have a touch

of stage fright. That's true. And he's

also a bit overweight. Hey, what can you

expect from a guy who sleeps all day and

is up all night drinking? You seem to

manage OK. Hey. So

unbelievable Sarah's going to put this

button sucking freak away right quick

with the snake splinters. How is

that possible?

You think this black tie

thing is just for show?

Kevlar vest baby. Damn.

OK, yeah, and now you're going to

pay, you little tart.

Look out, this vampire nose comes close.

Ohh, no, Sarah's in trouble. But wait,

she appears to have something up her

sleeve. What's that? Garlic. Maybe you've

been watching a little too much TV.

Garlic has no effect on me, except

for a little.

But.

Flatulence. Really. Well, let's see how

this affects you.

Oh oh terror shelf k*ller is using

that garlic broke like some kind of

brain floss that'll really scramble

someones mind. k*ller is really

dominating that demon. I don't know how

much more he can take.

You are a real pain in the

neck, but now it's my turn.

The vampires turned back into a vampire

bat.

Oh my God, that fat is sucking the

life out of the Vampire Slayer. It looks

like Sarah Michelle Gellar is just about

out of juice.

The vampire is the winner.

Johnny's remind me to pick up a can of

Raid. A disappointing showing from the

heroic but ultimately useless Sarah

Michelle Gellar. All the boys at the WB

are gonna be pisssed at us.

You know, with all the weird stuff that's

going on here, maybe you should go check

on Nikki Junior. Ohh, I'm sure he's OK,

Johnny. He's a very bright young man.

I better go check.

Hey Nikki, you're having fun in here?

Yes, I am, Dad. I'm playing a game

with this ball. I found Nikki. Where did

you find this? Ohh, I don't know. There's

some garbage I think. Looking

good, Nick. Ohh. Due to a zombie attack,

all of our celebrity fights have been

preempted. Cancelled, really. I mean,

let's be honest, Johnny, there's a lot of

dead munchkins out there. For those of

you just tuning in, there's been some

serious supernatural extra. Brendan

Fraser kicks some disgruntled Mummy asks,

and then Vampire Slayer Sarah Michelle.

k*ller copiously stepped up to slay of

spoiled vampire, but got a taste of

her own medicine instead. Johnny, look

what I found downstairs. Looks like some

kind of human skull. Yes, but I

think it's possessed. It complimented me.

I think you're possessed by ignorance.

I didn't tell you.

Yeah.

God, it's so big. Animated corpse of

Stacey's cornbread. I should have guessed

you'd get around to haunting this damn

arena one day. I'll bet she's the one

responsible for this zombie situation.

No, Nick, I'm sorry, but the one thing

for the zombie situation is this waste of

human flesh. Do you want from me,

you crusty old worm buffet? You stole my

job. What? No, I didn't. You

spontaneously combust it. Hold

on. Hang on, ladies. Now, Stacey, let me

get this straight. You're angry because

your spirit is unable to pass to the

other side until this matter with Debbie

is resolved. And that's the reason why

you've created all this supernatural

havoc that's been plaguing us tonight. Is

that fair to say? You can be honest,

Johnny, and I'll understand. Nick Booker.

Anything on your mustache?

Listen Debbie, you stole my job, so now

I'm going to steal your face.

Hello.

Hey, I think we're looking at a catfight,

Johnny. Debbie, it's not worth it.

I'm sick of being compared to you, you

ditzy worm eating. She bites. And you

really scared me when I was brushing my

hair before. I'm taking your sorry *****

into the Death Match ring. What do you

think of that? We are already in the

Death Match ring and this is where I come

in. Hello there, Miss Cornbread. So

delightful. See you again. Hello, Miles.

How's Mrs. Lane? Ohh, she's terrific.

Thank you for asking. Now, I know I don't

need to tell you 2 lovely ladies this,

but I want a good, clean fight. May the

best death match employee win. She's not

an employee. She's dead. You know what I

mean? Now let's fight.

This is my show now and I won't stand

around while you sabotage it. Where the

hell do you get off?

Get off.

Right there.

Credible. Stacy's disembodied head has a

mind of its own. It's like something

out of a horror movie Nick, frightening

and highly entertaining at the same time.

Real.

Neat trick, but how about this one?

Oh my God Johnny I have to say

I'm very disappointed. And Stacey

Cornbread, I can't believe she let her

zombie friends trash my car. Feeling a

little dead to the world Stacey, maybe

this will wake you up.

And that God

didn't hurt you?

That's disgusting stuff.

Of course I'm dishing out a brutal

beating from beyond the grave. You're a

terrible interviewer. You talk like you

down and now she's attacking me.

self-confidence. You're on camera persona

is so fake you have no people

skills.

You may be a reanimated corpse, Stacey,

but you don't scare me. I've dealt with

bigger stiffs than you. Yeah. Like who?

Like Meredith Viera, that's who.

What the?

The friendly scene. Reverse pile driver.

Unusual and unusually effective. Damn it,

Stacy, you broke my neck. I can't

feel my extremities. Good. So it won't

hurt when I do this.

Lady fingers. That's

it. I'm through playing with your smelly

*****. No. Come here. Debbie's heading

toward the exit, but there's no way out.

Hang on, Nick. She seems to have a

plan.

Didn't you hear about the lockdown? No

zombies allowed. So good. How the hell?

Die.

Now stay down pitch. Stacy's been reduced

to nothing more than a pile of zombie

Trump. This fight is over, and the winner

is missed. Any Matt novelist? Well,

Johnny, I hate to admit it, but I'm

impressed. Well, she's not really a

celebrity, Debbie. Certainly was a team

player tonight. Indeed. Nick. She came

through for all of us. I guess Stacey

really was the reason for these weird

calamities. For

Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond. Good fight. Good

Johnny. Can I catch a ride home with

you?