03x18 - A Night of Vomit

[bunniefuu]

Which showed this this dinosaur will

extinguish the other from the face of the

earth. What will happen when a

self-righteous radio shrink takes a call

from a funny girl with a grudge? And what

mayhem will ensue when traditional values

collide head on with rock'n'roll?Values.

Find out next on Celebrity

Deathmatch. Good evening, everyone.

I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond.

Nick, I hope you're as excited as I am

about tonight's action. I feel like a

little boy on Christmas morning. Johnny.

I'm more excited than a little boy on

Christmas morning because I'm not about

to receive a bunch of crappy toys that

will be broken by the end of the day. I'm

going to get the gift. It keeps on

giving. 3 beautifully brutal celebrity

death matches. Well put, my friend. This

isn't the season to be jolly. This

is the season to be sadistic and

merciless. First up, it's the w*r of



versus William Shatner. They both

survived. In Hollywood. But who will

survive in the deathmatch ring? Then

anti-g*y radio psychologist doctor Laura

Schlessinger faces off against l*sbian

comedian Ellen DeGeneres, who let's just

say is not in a very g*y

mood. And finally, in our main event,

it's the Battle of the Bushes as

Republican George W Bush. Nixon rocker

Gavin Rossdale, lead singer of the band

Bush. But enough with the hype. Our first

fighter is making his entrance. There he

is, Mr. Burt Reynolds, and already the

charismatic star is bantering with his

fans at ringside. Who wants an autograph

from a shot in my movie Cop and

a Half? Only 2 bucks, Looks like Bird.

Who filed for bankruptcy in 1996 is

trying to make a little extra money out

there. Alright, how about bucking Africa

promo Shot a cop and a half. Get it. Buck

and a half, cop and 1/2.

Yeah. I have

to hand it to him, Nick, the star of

WW and the Dixie Dance Kings looks as if

he could dance all night. There will be

some major skeletal damage inflicted in

this death match. These guys genuinely

hate each other. You're right Nick, their

rivalry goes back 30 years to when they

were both 70s Heart throbs but it wasn't

until. Recently that this long simmering

competition came to a full boil when a

broke bird tried to purchase discount

groceries online. Unfortunately, his bids

for kool-aid and ramen noodles were

rejected by the very Internet buying

service for which the multimillionaire

Shatner is the spokesperson. Let's go

down to the ring to see if he

gets even. Here comes his opponent.

Johnny, you've got to hand it to these

two proud warriors. Neither one is

willing to make a single concession to

Father Time. You know, they're both

wearing the same size pants that they

were in the 70s. William, you directed

Star Trek 5A Commercial and Critical

Catastrophe, but you directed Gainer.

Which also spoke so tonight I thank you.



now go back to your corners. When the

bell rings, come out ready to commit some

crimes against humanity. You're going

down Shatner. The only thing that's going

down rounds is your net worth. Get ready

to squeal like a pig.

The star of Deliverance is about

to deliver some pain but China

is lightning fast, hands snatched, birds

girdle and that 64 year old

belly is having trouble with those



log star date 6532.4. I've encountered

life form. Can only be described as

pathetic. 8 my short Shatner.

Birch dire financial status is paying

dividends tonight. If he could have

afforded a higher quality of path, those

buttons might not have popped off so

easily. No doubt about it. Johnny Burt is



Dirk Diggler. You're most Dirk Diggler.

Reynolds is going directly from the

Captain's log. Ohh. No, wait. Reynolds

has removed a laser from the pants of the

man who played Captain Kirk. Please burn.

Can't we make a deal? Don't worry,

Shatner, I'm not going to k*ll you yet.

I'm going to savor this moment like a

really bad movie role that pays a lot of

money. Now let's find

out what you got under the hood. No,

not the tube. I I could go sign

a loan for you, help you buy a

new transaction. Ooh, a new baby mobile.

You'd really cosign? Of course, jet black

with mags and a top. Maybe some plain

detailing why wherever you want.

She almost had me shutting her, but you

can't buy your way out of this. Oh, Oh

my God.

Can you believe this? William Shatner's

bald head is exposed to the world

and now Bert is going for the

coup de grace. Download this Internet

boy, look out.

That Stung burnt must have had his weapon

set on vaporize instead of k*ll, because

Shatner's flabby gut seems to have

vaporized. It's just a matter of time now

before the start of Strawberries gets his

eighth stroke by this ultra lean Ultra

League intergalactic fighting machine.

There you go.

OK, Reynolds, let's see what's living

under the rug.

There goes riddles hairpiece.

Incredible toupee action.

The star of Stick just got stuck.

It looks like you need a Rescue 911.

That is one hell of a hairball.

But Bird is back on his feet and ready

to fight. How's about I send you on a

trip to the final Frontier?

Looks like we're witnessing though.

Friends of Shatter. I think this fight

is over isn't great. In this Age

of Aquarius, we the consumer have the

power to name our own price on

items ranging from airline tickets to

groceries to how to get transplantable

internal organs. Gone are the days of

long. On a list. This is unbelievable.

Deathmatch fans are bidding on Bert's

vital organs. They might be vital,

Johnny, but not to Bert. He's history.

William Shatner is the winner. What a

thrilling way to kick off our evening of

death and destruction. For a minute

there, I thought my heart was going to

stop. Hey. You could have put a bid in on

birds. We'll be right

back after this commercial break.

Welcome back gora files there's

definitely some bad blood between our

next two combatants, doctor Laura

schlessinger and Ellen DeGeneres earlier

this year, Ellen took offense when back

to Laura called h*m* the products

of a biological. Disorder. So tonight

she's out to put Doctor Laura out of

order once and for all. Johnny, I had no

idea Ellen DeGeneres was a l*sbian. She's

been so discreet about it. Yes, it's

true, Nick. Well, if you ask me, Doctor

Laura is the one with the biological

disorder. I've checked out her nude

photos on the Internet and she seems to

be missing a chromosome or something. She

just doesn't get my blood flowing to the

right places, if you know what I mean.

Tonight, Ellen hopes to get Doctor

Laura's blood flowing to the right places

the floor of the death match ring. But

she could have her work cut out for her

because the 50 something Doctor Laura

recently attained her black belt in

karate and wants to prove to Ellen that

when it comes to sexual orientation. Rick

is great and Degenerous is a degenerate.

Now let's go down to the ring and

meet our fighters in the red corner

wearing a white karate suit with a black

belt. Doctor Laura Schlessinger. Doctor

Laura is also wearing a radio headset,

Johnny, so that she can take calls and

give advice to her loyal listeners. Even

as she fights to the death. And

in the blue corner, wearing a black

tuxedo, Ellen DeGeneres. Testing,

testing. Good evening, ladies. And

German. No, no, no. Good evening, ladies

and germs. The generous

as far as I can tell you 2 have but

one thing in common. You're about to get

it on. Now let's get it on. I will not

get it on with another woman. It would

violate my judeo-christian beliefs. So

she's hog tying her opponents like a

prize South and a Forest Club fair. OK,

have you ever noticed that when some

self-righteous radio slot calls you a

deviant? Whoa, you want to deviate her

spinal cord?Mr. Generous

is actually performing observational

stand up comedy down there.

OK, caller, you're on the air with Doctor

Laura. What's your problem? Yes, I think

my daughter is g*y. What should I do?

Doctor Laura, I'll tell you what you

should do. You should reach down the

little biological freaks throat, grab her

ovaries and squeeze them until that

estrogen starts flowing again. Here, let

me show you. Doctor Laura's PhD

is in Physiology, not psychology, so she

knows her way around the human body.

You're on with Doctor Laura. Go ahead.

I'm really shy, so this is kind of hard

for me. Don't be afraid, honey. Just take

a deep breath and then tell me what's on

your mind. All right, I'm composed now.

Here goes, I think. You're an ugly

know-it-all hobby caller. Don't you mean

you think I'm an ugly know it all

her bag. Who likes to kick asss? Johnny,

I've got a little advice for Ellen

DeGeneres. Get the hell out of there

while you're still got teeth and lips.

How do you like this for a punchline,

Funny girl?It is off the roof.

Then she takes down Mills Lane. Time off.

Nobody moved. My eye fell out. What's

going on? Somebody helped me find my damn

eye. Unbelievable. Damn it. I have no

depth perception and my eyes started

getting all right. I apologize folks, but

there's going to be a slight delay while

they. Look for a Mills's glass eye.

How hard could it be to find an eye? The

ring's not that big. Hey, I found it.

Gotta make Doctor Lord that's a milk dud.

Say, I got the pictures back from my

nephew's birthday party. You're in a

couple maybe later, Nick. Hey. Yeah. I

think the boat shows coming here in a few

weeks if you want to go with me. We'll

see. You hear the one about the man with

five penises? I don't think you can tell

that one here, Nick.

You see The Sopranos last night. I don't

get HBO. It was a good. You know, this

isn't the first time Mills has

interrupted things. All right? Remember

the time during that directors fight with

Spielberg and Hitchcock?Hey, why

don't we show the folks at home a clip of

that?OK, you

too. Crazy directors. I want a good,

clean fight, but let's let's. OK, Kate,

stop Tape. We got to sh**t that again.

Can someone please get meals? A glass of

water? Mr. Lane, are you all right?

Pitch? I think he needs a doctor.

Ohh yeah.

All right, I've been looking all over for

that damn sh**t.

That mills. What a character. Hey, I

found it. I found it. Zippity freaking

Doo dah, I found my damn eye.



get it back on.

Why did the radio shrink cross the road?

I don't know. Why did the radio spring

cross the road? To cause internal

hemorrhaging and Ellen DeGeneres.

I have another one for you. Knock knock.

Who's there? My. What's

up? Cruising carnival events? Stop the

Laura is beating Ellen at her own game,

and in the parlance of stand up

comedians, she's chilling. She sure is,

Johnny. It'll take a miracle for Ellen to

get back into this match. Hang on, Nick,

this could be that miracle right now.

That's legendary. Record David Crosby on

his way to ringside. As you might know,

he's the biological father of g*y rocker

Melissa Etheridge's children. And now

he's here to help another famous l*sbian.

Hang on there, Ellen. I'll save you. Man.

What the hell is he doing?

Yeah, I've been saving this for the

proper occasion. Oh my God. It's David

Crosby's old liver, the one he replaced

when it became ravaged by Gears of drug

and alcohol abuse.

Open wide for Daddy.

You lost me on this one. How's eating

David Crosby's liver going to help Ellen

right there. It's simple, Nick. That

liver has iron, protein and most

importantly, testosterone. Thrown a few

mysterious toxins from Crosby's drug

taking days and you know some kind of

crazy chemical reaction is bound to

occur. It's not homicidal he woman

Johnny just look at her or

him go.

No, you know what a product of a

biological disorder really looks like?

For the first time in her life, the

Know It All Doctor Laura seems to be

stumped. You've got a

head of the David Crosby. He's a true

friend of the l*sbian community. Do you

think he got paid for that sperm donor

thing? Because I wouldn't mind helping

out the lesbians myself. Yes. Ohh. There.

You're on with Doctor Laura. This is

referee Mills Lane. By the time I

finished talking, you'll be dead and

Ellen DeGeneres will be the winner of

this game.

Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all

week. Nick, I think

we learned a very valuable lesson

tonight. What, Johnny, that liver

contains testosterone. No, we learned

that if you call someone a freak, they

might freak out and take the whooping

stick to you, or in this case, the

whooping leg. Several months ago, the

Texas governor was driving by a concert

venue in Austin when he saw the name Bush

on the marquee. And assumed that a

campaign rally was being held for him

inside. He then entered the arena and

actually tried to deliver a campaign

speech. We have a copy of a bootleg

video of that fateful appearance. And I

believe the only way to broaden the base

of the Republican Party is through

compassionate conservatism. Ohh, man,

how's this for compassionate

conservatives? Now don't make me sentence

you all to the death penalty. Shouldn't

you be at the rodeo, cowboy? This is my

show. No, this is my campaign rally. No,

it's not. Yes it is. No, it's not. Yes

it is. No, it's not.

You got something on your shirt? This

is your blood gumbo.

No wonder this red meat eating Texan is

so ornery. Now let's head down to the

ring for tonight's main event in the red,

white and blue corner, the dimmest star

in the Lone Star State, George W Bush.

And training him tonight is his father,

former President of the United States,

George Bush Tonight. They enter this

battle not a compassionate conservative

but an old fashioned, mean spirited,

death penalty loving but kicking

conservative and in the crunchy

nondescript corner the pretty boy rocker

with a not so pretty attitude, Gavin

Rossdale of Bush. Hey Georgie, I know

at the W stands for. What's

the?See that blank? That

means he's a foreigner. And you know what

foreigners do, don't you? They come to

this country illegally, take jobs from

Americans, and have out of wedlock sex

with our women.

Bush, Bush, I made my commands at all

time. Now let's get it on.

Nothing like that for foreign policy. You

call me limy ******* and there's

something you don't see very often. An

American who enjoys soccer. So much for

George W Bush being a pro-life candidate,

doing daddy. You're doing just fine, son.

Now if you win, I'll increase your.

Flowers. Can I have a puppy too? Nothing

like a little incentive to kick them off

at night.

Gutty, gutty, gutty. Did you hear that?

Daddy says if I k*ll you, I can

have a puppy? Ohh. Look at I think

George W is about to unleash some capital

punishment. As governor of the state of

Texas, I hereby sentence you to death by

lethal injection and. Here comes the

execution up to conduct the lethal

injection process. OK, you call me limit

*******. Freaky. No. Good independent.

You have any last words? Yeah. Kiss

me. Bleeding off. I'm telling Daddy that

you cursed executioner. Start the drip.

Unbelievable. I think we've seen the

end of Gavin Rossdale.

This is amazing. Johnny Gavin Rossdale is

still alive. What the hell is this?

Something must be wrong with the death

machine.

That's chicken soup.

How dare you disobey my order? I'm a

presidential candidate. I can k*ll anyone

I want to. You want me to execute you

too? Don't you ever talk to your mother

that way again. www.cody O'Connor Till I

tell you to come out, this is going to

be a fair fight. I can't believe it. The

executioner of Texas is former First Lady

Barbara. Bush, Gavin, the truth is

I love you so much, but

I'll have all your CD's. Ohh,

no, Barbara was a Bush grouping.

Here, take my panties. That's all

right baby. I'll just take those

pearls. Ohh, don't

k*ll me, Dad. Dad and all of

George W's years as governor of Texas.

No one has ever walked out of

the death chamber alive.

Would you like them pearls, Georgie?

Help me, please. Help me. Hang on,

son. Daddy's coming. Read my lips, punk.

You lay off my boy. Give me

your best shot, old man.

Ohh, Bush blows it, just like he did

all those years ago on the Prime Minister

of Japan, Johnny. If I'm not mistaken,

that's the third puke we've had tonight.

A new death match record. Speaking of

records, it looks like Rossdale may be

cutting a new album.

No. What

a fine blowing performance. It's all

over. Kevin Rushton is the winner.

You know what they say, Nick Loud music

can do permanent damage to ones hearing.

In this case, Johnny Loud music blew

George W's ear plum off his head. Looks

like that wraps up our evening of mayhem

and malevolence for Celebrity Deathmatch.

I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm Nick Diamond.

Good fight, good night.