03x20 - Family Night II

[bunniefuu]

Squabbling sisters try to put an end to

each other's shameful behavior for good.

Flopping film families decide who keep

making movies that stink and who will be

extinct. Plus, a classic from the boat

and our annual Family Night spectacular.

Celebrity death match.

Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm

Nick Diamond coming your way right now.

Another power of family night

extravaganzas. Bloodlines will be

severed, entire families ripped apart.

It's like having a domestic dispute in

your own home. Tonight's main event 2

less than royal film Families will fight

to be crowned. Kings of the bad movie

market, it's the Baldwin brothers versus

the Wayans brothers before that as a

classic from the vault featuring 2 famous

sitcom dads as Carol O'Connor of All in

the Family and Sherman Hemsley of The

Jeffersons tried to stifle each other and

in our first fight of the night it's

a down hole devastation. This movie star

Ashley Judd throws down with her songbird

sister Wynona. And of course, no family

night would be complete without my boy

here in the booth with us. Nikki, get up

here. Don't make me take out the pepper

spray. You will do no such thing. Jerk.

Nora, honey, I know you couldn't live

without me. How long has it been?Not

long enough here. I brought you

something. There's no need for a written

apology. Divorce.

Look, I met a new guy and I'm moving on.

So just sign those and make this easy.

Think of your son a new guy. I'm not

signing squat till I meet this clown.

Well, he's out in the car right now. I'll

just bring him up, but he won't like

having to set foot in this dump again.

Gene, Nick, is there anything I can

do again? Easy, pal. Just remember to

breathe. Our first family conflict will

make even Nick's problems look small.

Call 911 because here come the judge.

Ohh, there hot. Which ones? The mother?

Neither, Nick. These are the judge

daughters. Actress Ashley and her.

Singing sister Wynona, of course,

Ashley's become a big star by playing

K*llers and flashing skin in films like

Kiss The Girls and I of the Beholder.

That's right, Winona is appalled by

Ashley's raw performances and is here to

stop her from selling the Judd name. But

Ashley feels her body does the judge

proud and things went out as. God could

use some self improvement even if it

kills her. It Does that make sense? Hey,

did double Jeopardy make sense? No, but

it did have plenty of violence and so

will this fight. Ladies and gentlemen, in

the red corner, the red hot star of

Smoke Heat and the steamy Norma Jean and

Marilyn Ashley. Judd end in the blue

corner. No stranger to singing the Blues

on her multiple gold albums, why Nona

Judd?

The two fighters are about to scale.

Hissing YouTube. This ain't no backward

there. Quota town. I'm the law here and I

want a clean fight. Let's get it.

Ohh wait, Mills ought to know better than

the company between 2 angry sisters. Nice

dress Ash, where's the bottom half? I'm

proud of my body and that guitar. And

hiding your bottom half, huh? It ain't no

more. And Winona pulls

out the b*llet. She can hide any number

of things in that oversized moon. Looks

like Ashley's the one getting whipped

into shape. Winona has actually teamed.

And what? Wait a second, That's not a

full whip. It's a licorice whip. We're

going to snake it with our gullet again.

And here comes Ashley. There's no way she

can. No, that kind of pain,

licorice, you Beverly Hills brat. Yeah.

This girl is 1 ******* kickboxer

but lookout it's a back attack.

Wow, bubble gum, what did you do?

Devastating weapon in most sisterly

spats, but not permitted in Mills's ring.

Sorry, miss, but unless you've got enough

for everyone, you'll have to take it

out. Whatever you say, people.

There goes the g*n and that ponytail

closed in barn doors. Girl, you know me

and Mama don't approve of that kind of

smug. Ohh, why? Notice playing the Mama

card? This is about to get out there. OK,

so maybe I do like to show off my

goods a little, but at least Mama loves

me. You're

right, you always were momma's favorite.

Ohh, I'm sorry sis, I didn't

mean it. Looks like Winona is

reaching for some comfort food. Hey,

give me back my damn fluff.

I can't let you do it.

This is the source of. For

pain, not Momma's brutal and

incessant criticism. No fun. You

want me in shape? You

can train me yourself.

My boy notice turned actually into a

human rowing machine.

Come on baby, let's go. It's not

done properly. Throwing can really hurt

your back, especially if you're the one

being paddled around. The ring must be

skinny by now. Not yet, but this

might help. See

how tightening the caution is gonna help

Johnny? You still gotta keep her away

from the pie factory. Umm. I didn't want

to do this, but I guess I'll have

to take extreme measures. He's got

something up her sleeve. But what is it?

It's pointy. It's shock. Inconceivable.

It's a juice box. Straw, Ashley. That is

going to perform liposuction right here

in the ring. Let's see if we can't

remove that spare tire.

Ohh Ashley just keeps on sucking and

sucking just like where the heart is.

Why no Mas? Desperate from the pain. Look

out. She's gonna pump that cushion. The

updates are loose. And now Ashley's in

trouble. That's more Cellulite in that

head than a Hefty bag full of Carney

Wilson. Mills had better look out. She

doesn't look too steady. Nice trip,

Ashley.

Oh my God, another unlicensed liposuction

gonna run. That's all, folks. And

the winner is why? No that

guy. Ohh, fratricide turned fat preside.

And this annual family nights already

a success. What are you doing?

Nick Norris said her new lover

has been here. Before. But

who? Gandhi. Nah. 2 Bald.

The S*ddam power is the

ultimate aphrodisiac. Bill Clinton. Now

wait, he's married. Yeah. FYI,

I'm marrying your wife. Have

a canned ham, Chief. David

Let. Ohh, Nora

here pulled me over on I-95 for doing



her, my heart started doing 90. I ripped

up the ticket. Yeah, and I had my

heart fixed.

Welcome back to Family Night on Celebrity

Deathmatch. Unfortunately, my co-host is

in the midst of his own family crisis.

He's gone downstairs to sort things out

in the privacy of the green room. So

let's have a listen, shall we? How the

hell could you fall for a guy like

that? Don't you remember the Oscars?

Ohma. Oprah, Ohma. Ohh, stop it. He's

very sensitive about that. Ohh, bite me.

Umm. I think those two could learn a

few things from watching this next fight

in honor of. Family Night We're digging

deep into the death match ball to

see 270 sitcom dads teach us all

about family values.

What it is, Katz. Welcome back to Family

Nights 77. We're about to get down and

groove with Carol O'Connor and Sherman

Hemsley, 2 of America's Hippies Square.

There's been a bad vibe between these two

since Hemsley left O'Connor's All in the

Family. The start is hit The Jeffersons.

Hensley feels his sitcom family kicks

booty and plans to take O'Connor to the

cleaner. But O'Connor has had it with

Hemsley's jive and wants to send him to

that deluxe apartment in the sky. To make

them feel at home. We dropped some

serious bread and built a real sitcom set

in the ring. Right on. No. What's wrong

now? We were supposed to leave here an

hour ago. You promised to take me roller

skating. Remember, Honey Cakes, please.

Can't you say I'm in the middle of

family night? Why don't you go wait in

the van? Someday I'm going to leave you,

Buster. Yeah, well, up your nose with a

rubber hose, OK?Well, let's go down

to the ring.

This program is filmed before a live

studio audience. Let's get it on.

Hey, why isn't this the Jefferson set?

I had enough of this white bread

show. This ain't your set. Because this

is serious social commentary like stuff

over here. Hemsley your shows nothing but

slapstick. Get it slapped. Ohh yeah we

are showing. Just heavy-handed. Who's w*r

crap?No,

you said I talk with me.

Talk shows. I can understand you.

Yeah. Talk. It's French hockey. Ohh.

Is that right? Well, this is

what do you call it? Cuban.

Hey, what's wrong here? Facing God?

I remember my FaceTime. I was

feeling wheezy. Ohh yeah well

yesterday I had my cake and eat it too.

Ohh, is that so? Well, I only got one

thing to say to that.

Kensley, apparently burned by an Archie

Bunker Raspberry O'Connor's known for his

acid tongue and hempfling counters with

spray starts. That tongue is going

to be straight as amore.

Why ain't done with you yet? How about a

song instead? Looks like O'Connor is

going to play a few licks. Hey baby. Back

when you could still use your tongue.

My song was much better, but I do like

that chair. Maybe, maybe I'll take you.

Ohh, Hemsley may have gone too

far. No one sits in my

chair. Hemsley.

Connor is stumping mad. He's gonna

turn that chair into the Jefferson

Memorial. I'm gonna stop you all

away to China. Sayonara Muchacho here.

Looks like Hensley's defiled O'Connor's

throne. For crying out loud. This

chair was going to be a

museum piece someday. Hey Hemsley, where

the hell are you?

Hey, that's Mike Tyson of toilet. Ohh,

no, he's defiled his other throw. You TV

buffs out there might be interested to

know that All in the Family was the

first show to feature a toilet flush, and

now there's the First off camera swirling

that Norman Lear. What an innovator.

Let's just hope. There's two washed their

hands. You ain't moving on up to Mike

Taylor Hensley because I'm throwing your

keister out.

Wow, oh oh another All

in the Family spin off.

But where did they go?

And the winner in Nobody. You're both

beat here.

All in the family with another k*ller

ending. That was some

show, Johnny. An incredible

representation of real family life. And

Nick, I'm sorry to hear about your

divorce, but don't worry, you don't have

to go through this alone. Heck no. At

least I still have Nikki Junior. Ohh,

man, are we having fun or what? Hey, who

wants to play with my scar? Ohh boy, ohh

boy. Nikki, what do you say?Again, Dave.

Heck, you can call me Dad.

Happy family night. I don't have a family

except for you, Johnny. I know I can

always depend on you, Johnny. Hey. Hi,

Dave. Boy, what an honor. You know I

I really loved you in cabin boy. Johnny,

that gap tooth desk monkey stole my wife.

Hey, thanks, Neil. Don't mind if I do.

I'm not gonna stand for this

so. What you've been

up to? Well, Dave, I've been working on

our main event, the Baldwin brothers

versus the Wayans brothers. Why'd you

steal away the guys who booked Kilborn

Show? Film makers discovered they're

fighting for the very same market

segment, the bombs. So they decided to

take their fight to the next level. What

are they going on, Springer? No, Dave,

they're having A tag team death match.

Alec and Daniel will battle on behalf of

the Baldwins while Keenan and Damon wage

w*r for the Whale. Doesn't get any bigger

than that now does it? Actually, it does.

It's family night, so the lives of their

entire families will be on the line. Our

own Debbie Metropolis. I'll explain,

thanks guys. I'm here at the Baldwins

posh Southampton estate where the

remaining brothers from both families are

buried in the sand up to their necks.

With the tide coming in, the family that

wins in the ring gets dug up immediately.

The one that loses, we'll get a copy of

the home game.

Exactly.

Now I'm going to put on my tanning

tape, so just let me know what happens.

OK, Thanks Debbie. Now let's go to the

ring ladies and gentlemen in the red

corner, the stars of such colossal flops

as the Glimmer man, Major Pain and the

aptly named low down dirty shade though

Wayans brother. And in

the blue corner, the stars of

such colossal flops as Love Kills,

Knight Moves, Half Baked Family of

Cops, Posse, Biodome, the Shadow, the

Juror, the Getaway. It's the Baldwin

brothers, ladies and gents. I didn't

even get to Billy yet. No,

that's not. Only one man in the ring

at a time. You want in, you tag your

partner and please try to make it

interesting. I've blown enough cash in

your crappy movies, let's get it on.

And there goes Damon Wayans with the

Hollywood Shuffle. Yeah, that, that, that

Daniel looks like a big tub of goo. I

would have gone with Steve and myself

did. Did you see The Flintstones? Now

that was some comedy. True, but Daniel

knows homicide and how to trash a hotel

room. It once took 10 cops to cuff and

gag.

There's only room for one Lane family in

Hollywood, man. And we're the lamest.

Come on, Damon. Look, we're the lamest,

OK? I mean, the marrying man that even

embarrassed me, and I've been arrested in

my underwear. Look, Daniel, a script Alec

didn't turn down first. Cruel temptation

may spell trouble for the Baldwin.

I'm gonna get you sucker punch. Take a

breather, brother. I'll take care of

this. Apologies, Baldwin, but the miss is

going to be spending the next 9 1/2 weeks

with me, you know what I'm saying?

You're wasting your time fella. Guys got

wall to wall cut pile for chest hair.

Chest is like a lush rainforest. How can

they hope to tame it? Let me take

a whack. Ohh, Maria, believable Keenan

moves in with a weed wacker. Your

family's taking all the fun out of

movies, Baldwin, and that's my job.

Another use for the weed wacker. Ohh, it

apparently wasn't made for those really

tough jobs. Ohh man, looks like the Ball

guys got the business end of that

Waccamaw hoochie. Incredible. The Baldwin

brothers may have turned the tide.

Speaking of which, let's check in with

Debbie Metropolis at the beach with the

remaining siblings. Look, I don't care

what the damn SPF is, Get Me Out of

here. Ohh come on, it's waterproof. Trust

me, you'll thank me later.

Ohh, looks like the tide is coming in

quick. These fighters better hurry Keenan

before I k*ll you. Can I get a

signature for campaign finance reform?

That's no way to change the system.

Alliance take a page from their semi

successful TV efforts. They're busting a

move on Alec fly girl style. Ohh that's

got to be a violation then. Tag team

rules. What's the deal with that old guy?

Does he do anything?

Daniel how? Sorry bro, but you gotta

tag me. It wouldn't be fair to

the other guys. It's not so fast

homes. Ohh, that's what I call our

handoff this time for the homeboy

shopping Network. They've taken Alex

wristwatch and his wrist. Now what we

got here was a nice Corona. Craft watch

with two working hands with the five

finger discount. It's priced to go. Come

on, gotta tag me. That boy is not what

you call book smart, is he?

Different moved by Alec but he makes the

tag and here comes Daniel. Ohh man it's

two of them. What do I do now bro?

OK, pretend you're an actor. OK Alright,

I got you. Now imagine this is your hotel

room and they just cut you off at the

bar in the lobby.

Lookout. He's got into some kind

of flashback frenzy.

Daniel's gone totally berserk. He must be

hallucinating. I doubt he even knows he

gorged himself on Damon's prostate. Maybe

he's wacky on the jump. Now he's got

Keenan in his sights.

Strong vision ohh I could get. Is

that Keenan Ivory wayans show God.

Astounding in a demented age. Daniel

Baldwin has bashed the way it's worse

than any movie critic. A brutal actor

becomes a brutal k*ller. Way to go, bro.

You really got in touch with your senses.

Get your hands off me, cop.

Daniel still trapped in the role of a

deranged hotel guest.

You didn't have to bite my head off,

d*uche. I don't believe it. Daniel has

k*lled everyone in the ring, son. The

good news is you won the fight. Bad news

is you k*lled your brother. What?

Oops. Let's go quickly to Debbie

with the good news for the

Baldwins. Ohh, Billy, you're so good.

Debbie, Wow. Hi. Hi, Debbie. Where

are the other Baldwins? The guys,

right?Well, maybe they

went swimming. Ohh, sweet Lord. Although

I suppose this opens up a huge

opportunity for the Arquette family. Come

on Letterman, it's go time. Take your

best shot. Ohh man, it's the Raging

Bull. Ohh, and that

sound means we're out of time. I sure

I wanna meet this guy. Where are my

packages?Thanks,

Nick. See you in the funny papers.

Yeah, and no hard feelings. I hope

those hair plugs take. Ohh, man. Well,

that brings us to the end of

another heartwarming Family Day. I'm

Johnny Gomez saying good fight. I am

the whole rush. Goodnight.