03x21 - Celebrity Deathmatch Top 10

[bunniefuu]

Which engine rocker will send the other

to the big retirement home in the sky?

Blood will flow when 2 show business

power couples tried to turn each other's

lights out. And what will happen when an

old dirty ******* tries to sacrifice?

Sweet young virgin. Find out

next on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good evening everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm Nick Diamond. Nick, I hope you're

as fired up as I am about tonight's

death match. Triple header. Ohh, I'm

tingly all over like an undefiled bride

on her wedding night. Interesting

analogy, Nick, but there shouldn't be

anything carnal about tonight's action.

There will, however, be lots of carnage.

And what better way to kick off our

evening of carnage than with the battle

Royale of the balding rockers Phil

Collins versus staying In our second bout

of the evening, it's a double date of

death as Warren Beatty and Annette

Benning take on Susan Sarandon and Tim

Robbins. And finally, in our main event,

opposites collide when country. LeAnn

Rimes faces off with the hip hop and old

dirty *******. So if you're ready for an

evening of evisceration, get on board

because this locomotive of commotion is

leaving the station. But before we chug

on down the tracks, we have a special

guest in the booth with us tonight.

America, say hello to my little pal.

It was Timmy's dream to spend an evening

with me in the booth at Celebrity Death

Match, and the Little Pals Foundation has

made that glorious dream come true. So

Timmy, you must be thrilled to be sitting

next to your favorite celebrity, or

should I say your big pal. Can I give a

shout out to my buds? I'm not sure what

that is, but. Go ahead. Yo, dudes, I

made it. I'm here. Yeah. Timmy, you are

truly excited to be here, and that warms

my heart. Thank you for coming, little

pal. Thank you for having me **** wipe.

Sounds like you have a bit of a

cough there, Timmy. Yeah, sure. Do Nick

suck my asss?I'm sorry, what did you

just say? I didn't say anything. I could

swear he said suck my *****. Well anyway,

Timmy, if you've got a cough, we have the

remedy for what ails you. 3 great death

matches. Our first match could be billed

as the drummer versus the strummer as pop

icons Phil Collins and staying Duke it

out. Let's check out the

similarities between them. Both hail from

England, both were the frontman of

popular 80s bands, and both continue to

electrify elevator passengers with easy

listening Sissy rock. And don't forget,

they're both involved in what has become

a nasty competition for that Sissy rock

enthusiast dollar. Johnny Sting appears

to be in remarkable condition for a

man approaching his 50th birthday. You're

absolutely right. Those marathon tantric

sex sessions have paid dividends. Look at

those packs.

Ladies, that's not the only thing I

can flex. I can Make Love for



that include foreplay? I'm confused.

Well, Nick Tantra is an ancient spiritual

philosophy which holds that sexual energy

can be used as a vehicle to

achieve cosmic consciousness. And union

with divinity. So you're saying that does

include foreplay? And there's Phil

Collins now, the man who won a

Grammy in 1985 for his hit album

No Jacket Required. The 8th Amendment to

the US Constitution prohibits cruel and

unusual punishment. But you're both

foreigners, So what the hell do I?

Any question, Mr. Collins staying his

names? Not Sting. It's garden. Garden

Summer it is not. Gordon Sumner could

only Make Love for 30 minutes. I,

Sting, can Make Love for 8 hours.

Yeah, well, the thing about making love,

it's about making death and gore.

Start fighting when the bell rang.

Sting is trying to harness every bit of

a spiritual and sexual energy so that he

can use it to destroy his death match

opponent. 8 hours straight. What would a

prost*tute charge for something like

that? Usually about a 50 an hour. Now

Timmy, how would you know from another

Little Paws outing?

Collins leaps into action.

He won an Oscar for his work on

the Tarzan soundtrack and his male

stealing one of the gentleman's patented

moves. Hey, Gordy, every breath you take

might be your last. Things taking a lot

of abuse down there. Why doesn't he fight

back? I'm not sure, but whoa, Phil's got

the overhead camera.

He even managed to adjust the manual

focus as he homed in on State's face.

Definitely on Kodak moment.

I can kick your asss for 8 hours

straight. I wish I knew what still was

doing. The deathmatch ring is the wrong

place to practice nonviolence. Strings

music may be popular in elevators, but

he's not winning any fans in this death

match arena. I'm out, I'm out. And now

Mills Lane has had enough state. I don't

know if I've made this clear to you,

but the audience of death matches to k*ll

your opponent, not let him k*ll you,

Understand? I understand, Mills.

Quite right yet. Please, boy, I'm begging

you, get out there and fight, for God's

sake. OK? I think I'm ready. Let's do

it. I sure hope that talk from Mills

did the trick, mate. Top And you.

Ohh yes, we're finally going to get

a two way fight. It sounds like

you need to work on your flexibility,

Phil. Oh oh that is the sound

of some brutal deathmatch action. It sure

beats the hell out of listening to

Suicidio.

That's the first position of the

Kamasutra. It's called the flower in

bloom because right now you're sniffing

the sweet fragrance of your own assets.

This is why you should listen to your

mother when she tells you to put on a

clean pair of underwear every day, old

man. This is just the fast of the 45

Tantric love. Positions as described in

the Kama Sutra. I'm just getting started,

if that's alright with you. Of course, I

got nowhere to be. If Skin plans to

take Phil through all 45 positions. It

could take hours. Johnny. Folks, we've

never seen anything like this. But don't

worry, we'll make sure you don't miss a

single bit of carnage. If we're going

to be here all night, I'm gonna need you

to loan me 50 bucks. OK? 50 bucks. Gee, I

don't know, Jimmy. What? The Little Pals

Foundation said. I get whatever I want.

Do you want me to call them? Huh. Do you

want me to call them? No. No. OK. OK. I'm

sorry. I didn't mean it.

Say, Janet, could could you help me out?

I'm, I'm a little light today. We'll be

right back with more thrilling action

right after this.

Welcome back, deathmatch aficionados. We

just witnessed Thing giving Phil Collins

a textbook demonstration of some

terrifying tantric sex positions from the

Kama Sutra, and he has actually

threatened to apply all 45 moves.

Now this one is called

Aphrodisiacs Delight. Unfortunately, you

aren't Aphrodite, so it's not

much of A delight, is

it?

If my math is correct, Sting still has 32

more positions to go. We will continue to

keep a close eye on this intriguing

battle. Hey Jimmy, what do you think of

the action so far? It's alright I guess.

Hey, either one of you guys gotta like,

do you think Someone Like You should be

smoking? Ohh what? Cripples can't smoke

now?The able body can. Why don't you just

k*ll all of us? I didn't mean it that

way. It's just that you're kind of young

to be smoking, don't you think? You don't

let me smoke. I'm calling the little Pals

people because they said you let me do

whatever I wanted. Where's the freaking

phone? OK, OK, I'll go find you a match.

Folks. It's time now. To go ringside for

our next fight on middle-aged married

couple melee featuring Warren Beatty and

Annette Benning versus Susan Sarandon and

Tim Robbins. Ohh. Thank you for

recognizing my work. I promise I will

try harder to do more. I'm not

done yet. I love you Warren. Incredible.

It's been months now since Warren

received the Irving Thalberg Lifetime

Achievement Award at the Oscars, and he

still hasn't finished his acceptance

speech. Get out of my way there, Chester.

As I said, I will try to do more,

better and for a longer period of time.

First and only warning Mr. Beatty, this

is my ring. Wow. Warren Beatty hasn't

taken a shot like that since Ishtar

opened in 1987. I will win this fight.

I will be. Let's look at a net.

Benning trying to psych herself up for

this match. The bad

blood between these two couples began to

boil at this year's Academy Awards when

at a post Oscars press conference,

Surrounded and Robbins lashed out at

their liberal cohorts. Let's take a look

at the videotape. We are both so

disappointed that our so-called

compassionate friends Warren and Annette

don't even care about the plight of the

western snowy plover. I mean, don't you

people see how many ribbons we have?

And I agree with everything my partner

or whatever she is said. And we

have more ribbons. Wow. They're

definitely passionate about their

politics. Now let's see if they're

passionate about their pugilism. Here

they come. Now Sarandon and Robbins seem

really jazzed up for this fight. And

so are they eco friendly fans. Now let's

listen to Mills Lane. If I were you, I'd

forget about taping anything but your own

*****. Any questions? No, but I would

like to thank you and everyone who made

this award possible and I will try

harder. Now I'm going to

have to show you that I mean business.

That's what you get for being so selfish

and not caring about the western snowy

plover. We have to find it in our

hearts to surrender our dead right, not

talk. Once again, Mills Lane shows us why

he's one of the most respected referees

in the death match game.

Umm, incredible. Warren Beatty and Susan

Sarandon refused to be silenced. Let's

get it on. What do you

say we put your testicles on

the endangered species list, Batty?

Brandon has nailed the legendary ladies

man right in the knackers, and that's

for the 10 bucks I wasted on

Bulworth Springs into action.

Leave us alone, you old hag. It's a

senior citizen for God's sake.

I'll just stand there. Defend my honor,

you big dork. She's not that old.

She's only 54.

A woman's age. This Susan Sarandon sure

is a Dynamo. She's got enough rage for

all four fighters tonight. Geez, I was

just trying to defend your honor like you

told me to. I need a real man,

not a boy.

Call for me.

Warren Beatty might be 64 years old, but

this ladies man still has it and he knows

how to use it. The

two timing old *******. Maybe you can get

a senior citizen discount on your

funeral. This might be a death match.

First our realignment of our deathmatch

team. I think we got a dead man

and a dead woman walking.

So I thought you were really great in

American Beauty. Well, I

thought you were great in tape heads. You

can be such a goofball. Yeah, but I

know some political stuff too. Fantastic.

We not only have a death match tonight,

we have a love match as well, Tim

and on that are definitely hitting it

off. You got it hitting it off. You

know they're. Hitting Warren and Susan

together. Did you know that puns are the

lowest form of comedy?

Say, Annette, would you like to go

out sometime? I'd love to. How about

now? Let's go.

That could be the end. It looks like

the white rhino is going to outlive at

least two species, Warren Baney and Susan

Sarandon. Just like the

Bank of everyone who made my desk

possible. And I will try.

Kim Robbins and Annette Benning are the

winners. What a beautiful love story.

They really make a nice couple, don't

they? Make who? Timmy and the stripper.

Take it all off, baby. I love the

little soul foundation. Hey, that's my



it back. Hey, I

thought you were paralyzed from the neck

down. You know it comes and goes.

Welcome back. While we were away, the

sting Phil Collins tantric tussle shifted

to the Celebrity Deathmatch green room.

This is one of my favorites. It's

called the Elephant.

Well, it won't be long before this fight

reaches its ugly conclusion, but now

let's get ready for our next bout. LeAnn

Rimes versus the old Dirty *******. This

one is rap versus country, man versus

woman, N versus South boy versus girl.

It's 4 deathmatches and one. And Nick?

Their differences were never more

apparent than when the two artists got

together to cut a hip new Millennium

version of Ebony and Ivory. Take a look

at this secretly taped video of their

recording session. Ohh, you

were off key again. You all. Dirty

*******. The end. Well the last time.

Could you please call me Russell? Old

Dirty ******* is just my stage name. I

will call you whatever I damn well want

to call you. Do you not know who

I am? I am. Leave.

Miss Brown to you, honey, would you

please put out your cigarette? I'm not

used to smoke. It's affecting my

performance. Ohh. Well, let me try and

help you with that little problem. Ohh,

no. Umm.

So there you have it. These two

definitely don't like each other. There's

LeAnn Rimes, and she couldn't look

sweeter or more innocent.

Add dedicate this back to my parents,

God and the citizens of this great

country. Not the

same woman we saw at the recording

studio. She's hitting all the right notes

and the crowd loves her for it. The

old dirty ******* is about to have

himself some white meat.

Miss Rhimes, Mr. ******* you both seem

like nice folks to me, but that doesn't

mean you can't have a really mean

spirited, ferocious deathmatch. Now let's

get it on.

Yo country, you might pitch now.

Really, really hurt. It won't be big

baby Jesus who gets crucified tonight.

Bootyful. Ever baby old dirty ******* is

moving in for the k*ll. LeAnn Rimes

might not live to see her 20th

birthday. OK,

what's this? I'm bleeding. Ohh. She's

caught sight of her own blood

and it's freaking her out. Leanne

Bribes has lost her mind.

And now you're going to be Memphis

Russell. Oh my

God, just when it looked like the old

dirty ******* was going to k*ll off the

sweet natured Leanne, she transforms

herself into the meat. Foul mouthed Miss

Rhymes from the recording studio.

It's a matter of punk *****. Could you

please not cursing my presence?

You're now gangster rapper. You're a

wussy rapper. Leanne is tearing apart

his self-confidence along with his

signature look.

Anyone want some bacon from this phonies

mouth? Ohh, things are definitely not

looking good for the OB right now.

Hey Russell, you remember these?

Give them away. OK,

well that's a clear violation of City

Ordinance 5204, which prohibits smoking

in public places. Mills will have to make

a ruling on this one, because in the

context of a death match, a little second

hand smoke is relatively harmless.

That's how hard your mother screams when

she hears your crappy music. What you say?

Don't you ever talk about my

mother that way again. You found

my flight. I'm going to RIP

out your tongue and teach your

lesson. What

an amazing turn of events. The ODP has

regained control of this match. Hang on a

SEC folks. The old dirty ******* is

learning that the tongue is one of the

strongest muscles in the body. He's not

making much progress.

Ohh got it. Ohh got it

baby. LeAnn Rimes is out. You

dirty ******* is the winner.

Nick, I think we've learned a very

valuable lesson tonight. What's that,

Johnny? That donating your time and

energy to charity work can be risky,

humiliating and an expensive waste of

time? No, what we learned is that

appearances can be deceiving. The old

dirty ******* really isn't such a *******

after all, is he? No. But my little pal.

Sure is. Where do you go? You know, Nick,

I've never heard of such a thing as the

Little Pals Foundation. Are you sure?

There's no. It's very reputable. I saw it

on the Internet. Ohh. Well, in that case,

let's check on our Phil Collins sting

battle one more time, my little man.

Giddy up. Yeah, just

like, hey, that's my private bathroom

and they get in there. Now

that my spiritual and sexual energies

are in perfect harmony, prepare to

suffer a brutal and gruesome death

match where you are. Unbelievable. The

pink buckle move has backfired. Phil

Collins. Is out of control.

Will has thrown Sting and now Sting

is being tantalized. Ohh cool. I call

this now Bleeding drum set and now

I'm going to perform that death solo.

Look at the speed of Phil Collins

hands the former drummer of Dennis. This

is definitely building to a show stopping

cl*max. Then there's the money

shot. It's all over. The winner is

Phil Collins.

You little punk, you're not even sick.

Now where's my 50 bucks? Hey, ohh, hey,

you're not even a kid. You're an adult

pretending to be a kid. Where do you

get off, huh? I want an answer right

now.

Ohh, that's it. Now you really are going

to spend the rest of your life in a

wheelchair. Please note.

Unfortunately, we're all out of time for

Nick Diamond. I'm Johnny Gomez saying

good fight, good night.