04x01 - Where is Bob Costas?

[bunniefuu]

Who will survive when a rock'n'roll

legend battles our Hornady hip hop

hottie? What will happen when 2 celebrity

look alikes face off in an all new

segment we call Separated at Death and.

Who will prevail when a big

shot movie star takes on his

alleged off screen Paul in the

Bunny Bunny Battle battle? Find out

tonight in the season premiere

extravaganza, OHH Celebrity Deathmatch.

That's right ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we kick off a ****** rocking

new season of mayhem, madness and

mutilation, now with 36% more ask

busting, as kicking and as speeding and



with our dedication to bring you the best

show possible, the network conscious have

given us an even bigger budget this year.

Every dime has been spent on beefing up

show quality for you, the viewer. For

example, this season, get ready for.

New top of the line Belgian

seat cushion made from real Belgians.

Why? Because Belgians are fluffier. And

now to unveil our biggest high

dollar surprise, tonight's special guest

commentator Bob Costas.

Hi, fellas. Hey, you're not Bob Costas.

You're John Tesh. Hello, Mr. Tesh. Did

you get lost trying to find your

seat in the audience?

I'm Bob's replacement. He missed his

plane. That can't be. Everyone knows

Bob's greatest asset is his punctuality.

Forget costis, boys, I'm your man. I've

done Entertainment Tonight and covered

the Olympics, celebs, sports. See the

connection? Did I mention that I also

write music?

Well, we just hope you can handle the

carnage. Things can get pretty sick

around here. Hey, I'm used to sick. I

worked with Mary Hart. OK, well, we're

just about to get started with our first

fight. That's right, Nick. It's hip-hop.

Versus what? Papa Luba. As Little Kim

bears all her quest to defeat the

self-proclaimed inventor of rock'n'roll,

Little Richard. Alright littles, I want a

good clean fight big time. Let's get

it on. Hey, you

stole that signature phrase from me.

Boom. Hey, and this fight is our

girlfriend who does your hair The

electric company. With

that little bench that's, don't you

believe that Ben Franklin, who, ha ha,

I was out there flying that kite

like this. Incredible.

They're still rock'n'roll from it.

They're still my money from me.

Ain't nobody gonna steal little from

me. Whoa, little Kim crawling back

for more. Whoa, check out those

snarly nails.

Little Kim is exposing more than

usual. Don't believe

it. Little Richard is playing Little Kim

Spine like a cheap piano. This is

just plain awful. I'll say she is

way out of tune.

Little Richard is dishing out one hell of

a beating. Yo play a hater. This here is

a big Mama thing. Ohh I don't know what

you just said but I do know I probably

came up with it first. Girl, yes I did.

Yes I have. Ohh Kim is cracked the many

layers of makeup. Which is applied since



You broke my God's face. Ohh

you uglier than the ash and

other bulldog. Little Kim appears to

be going for her secret weapon,

but what could it be and

where could she be hiding it?

And little Kim goes for the

pasty dear resistance. That's 42 years

worth of Jericho. You just wasted,

woman. Wait a minute. Ohh, sorry

pasties, they're actually Chinese.

Throwing stars are just as a

regular Pez dispenser of pain.

You can't do this to Little Richard.

And the man who invented k*ller pasties.

Yes I did. Yes I did. See,

it's matter now. Ohh. Little Richard has

unveiled his not so little Harry. Olives

pasties ****** **** though. Some dinner

plates rotten as ******. Watch your

mouth, you tiny top. I ain't afraid

to use these. You know? OK, well,

bring it on. Looks like little Kim

might have called Richard's bluff. Come

on, Grandpa, we waiting? Ohh. Little

Richard doesn't feel like it. Y'all

played out. Ohh, man. PLA Y know

how to spell woman. I'm the one

who invented letters and k*ller. These

days. Ohh, I bet

you starring now Little

Richard has torn off

his own *******.

Ohh sh**t, that's your strategy to gross

me out to death?

Have to take this line down.

Ohh, talk about your slippery *******.

And it looks like Lil' Kim

is going in for the big

k*ll. You shouldn't have messed with

the queen pitch. Let's get ********.

Ohh, look at me. You're hot.

Just invented bleeding. Death through the

Naples. Look at me inventing

away. Yes, yes wow, I'm

going sick. Little Kevin literally

squeezing the life out of

Little Richard like a Cuban

internal organ flavored toothpaste. After

decades of self aggrandizement, it

looks like the. Him for Little Richard

and the winner is Lil' Kim. And everybody

looked out for my new album.

Mina, look out for my next skimpy dress.

There you have it. I guess deadly things

do come in small packages. That's too

bad. All Bob Costas misses boat. He would

have loved this boat. I thought you said

he missed his plane. Did I say plane? No,

I meant both. It's a very plain looking

boat. See the connection?Excuse me, I

feel another song coming on.

Something's not right, Nick. I'm going to

go fish around in Tasha's dressing room

and find out what it is. We'll be right

back.

Ohh wow, that was cool. You know any

hoodie? No, I love hoodie. OK, we're back

for the second fight of our season

premiere. Extravaganza. But first, here's

another sneak peek at some of the

exciting new innovations we'll be seeing

on the improved Celebrity Deathmatch.

Check out our new host attire. We're

talking double stitched hems here. You

won't see pants like that on those other

basic cable channels. You got that right,

John. Please call me Johnny, Nick and

Johnny. Hey, we're a pretty good team.

What's this?Boys took

Portman, did Tech bring one of

his kids with him? That's awesome

*******. Wait a

minute, I recognize that Cologne. That's

Bob Costas. And now it's time for

an exciting brand new deathmatch fight

segment that we like to call Separated

at Death, where double gangers duel their

double s to the demise. Everyone knows

that in Hollywood, an actor or actress.

Space is everything, and stars like Helen

Hunt are under enough pressure as it is

just trying to stay popular without

having a look alike to contend with as

well. Especially when that look alike is

considerably younger than you and willing

to work for a lot less money like Leelee

Sobieski's. Bottom line folks, this fight

was handpicked by none other than Mother.

Nature, looks like Helen Hunt has come to

do some damage tonight, and here comes

her opponent. Boy, the resemblance is

indeed uncanny. Wow, she's no megastar.

Leelee's career is taking off. No doubt.

She's hoping this fight will help her up

that Hollywood letter ladder to A list

status. Holy cr*cker, Molly, you're a

dead ringer. Well, one of you. Will be

soon enough. Let's get it on.

Miss Hunt, I just want to say that I'm

a big fan. In fact, I'm mad about you.

Get it? The last thing I need is some

young bimbo riding my coattails. But I

wanna be just like you someday, OK? Tell

you what, you can be me in the afterlife.

Hunt kicks things off with that pattern.

Did forehead, but and that is quite a

forehead, almost A5 head.

Now, just like Sobieski's career, that

k*ller kick came from out of nowhere.

No, this is not fair. There can

be only one. Let

me push the herd on Sobieski with

a battery of brutal face lamps. Look

at those lady look alikes go. This

is Gemini genocide then. Johnny would

love to see this. Where the hell

is he huh? Ohh, music and no

deathmatch make John a bad boy.

Holy God, he collects

marshmallow doggies.

And dozens of back issues of

the Johnny Newsletter. That freak sicker

than I thought. Helen Hunt has

Leelee Sobieski in a Bora Bora

phone bending Backbreaker. Couldn't we

try working together? I mean, you

could play my mother. Ohh, not

what Helen wanted it. Here.

How dare you imply that I'm my real

age. But besides, no one's gonna say we

resemble one another after I rearrange

your fake. I don't hunt right? The

scratch Sobieski's eyes out. But it seems

futile. Of course it is, Nick. One of

these stars major similarities is that.

Famous squid. It's a wonder how they see

it all that a second. It looks like the

plan backfired. Now Leela, he looks even

more like Helen Hunt. Crows feet. That

gives me an idea.

Sobieski pulls out what appears to be

yes, it's a cheese slicer. I guess you're

right, there could only be 1 Helen Hunt

and it's going to be me.

Helen smaller so she can be taller. But

why, John? Why? Wait a minute, Nick, If

Sobieski is preparing to do what I think

she's preparing to do, we might want to

warn our more squeamish viewers to look

away. Ohh, no, John, you don't mean a

curbing. That's right, Nick, even a

demented freak like me can't watch this

one. Part of your dental records.

We interrupt this program for a special

news bulletin. *NSYNC has not broken up

still, and unfortunately, as the group

told MTV News, it has no plans to

do so. We now return to our program

already in progress. Serving

was the most gruesome thing I've ever

seen on this show. There's no braces for

nothing now to take care of the hair.

Hey, this forward bench. I can't tell

either of them apart now. One of them

appears to be forced feeding the other

her own hair. I'm sorry to do this.

Allen But I have to think about my

career, or should I say your career?

Us sounding somebody has cracked the

other one skull open like a

rotten pumpkin. We have a winner

only. We don't know who.

$20 million payday. Here I come. And the

winner is now. Which one are you,

sweetie? Helen Hunt, Of course. If you

don't believe me, check my fingerprints.

The mystery is solved. Helen Hunt is 1,

and now she can go back to her

marvelously productive career. Alas,

Lily, we barely knew ye. Nora

Naural separated at death fight is

a skull smashing success. I can't

pull frigging leave. Johnny missed it.

What is he doing?

Ohh gosh, this is around here somewhere.

What the hell blood and

it leads to?

Good God.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm

Nick Diamond and I'm special guest

Co co-host John Tesh. Nick, I

found Bob Costas. You're dead. Where

is he here?Oh my God

has chilled cussed us to get on the show,

then tried to hide the evidence by

pureeing him in our new crops. Multi

speed blender. And I would have gotten

away with it too if it hadn't been for

you meddling sportscasters hash you

soulless faint. I'm calling security.

Wait a minute, please hear me out first.

I k*lled. Fastest. But I had a good

reason. It was the only way I could get

on here. This is my favorite show.

Everybody sees me as John Tesh, this

wimpy, easy listening guy who wouldn't

hurt a fly. But the truth is, John Tesh

is no different from any of you. When

John Tesh witnesses brutal violence, does

he not also laugh at others?

When John Tech feels anger, does

he not also horribly mutilate his

opponents?John

Tesh loves you. I I don't

know what to say. You could

say all is forgiven. Pull up

a Belgian, John. Our main event

is about to start. All right.

It's our main event. George Clooney

and Mark Wahlberg in the buddy.

Buddy battle, battle. You've seen them in

movies together, they've been

photographed at social events together,

and they claim to be friends. Some have

even called them the modern day Paul

Newman and Robert Redford. The fact is,

we're not sure why they're fighting, but

who cares? They're a list superstars and

that means a list ratings in the blue.

Smiling George Clooney straight from one

of his regular pickup basketball games in

the red corner mark, Don't call me Marky

Wahlberg. That suit is another desperate

attempt to further distance himself from

his hip hop path. But if he wants

to win this brawl, he'll have to call

on his slightly more distant criminal.

Alright, you squared George Sissy, you're

charming. Good looks won't work on me,

so don't try any funny stuff. Let's

get it all line fighters. I go.

You're going down you. Cause this time

it's personal. Honey hurls out Time

Warner movie cliche followed by a

bloodletting sock to the jaw. Ohh

yeah well Astella Vista baby Walmart

counters with an even staler action

film retort and an identical punch.

Take that and that. Ohh yeah,

we'll try this on for size.

Dying, fighting, go to your corner. Am I

seeing things? Mills Lane has stopped the

fight right in the middle of all the

action. It looks like he's checking the

instant replay. Incredible. Look at that.

They've been throwing fake punches. What

a RIP as you can see in this

super slow MO. And the bloodshed is as

phony as a Roger Corman B movie. Could it

be this fight is all just some publicity

stunt to promote their next film? Ohh,

bet they're not even friends. Guys, I saw

a lot of this crap during my stint of the

ET trenches. It wouldn't surprise me to

learn that their entire relationship is

just one big studio hoax. Those phonies.

Through what Newman and Redford would say

about those comparisons. Now I'll tell

you what we'd say. It's time to

crack skulls. Wow, what an amazing

surprise. Mega Legend movie stars Paul

Newman and Robert Redford have entered

the ring to defend their good names.

Ohh, dare you compare yourselves to us?

They're screen legends, damn it, and

we're going to show the world that our

chemistry is the real deal. Let's do

this. Ohh, Mike, we're going to have to

work together for real this time if we

hope to live. My name's Mark. My bad.

Let's kick some geriatric ***** right?

Not only our cloudy and. Albert not

friends. They barely know each other. I

wasn't even born the last time you 2

worked together. Yeah, you guys are old

news. With our combined Old West movie

experience, we've taken on hordes of

posses. What makes you think we can

handle YouTube pansies? Alright ball

corner pocket. Ohh,

Newman makes life fast. Eddie Felson

giving Clooney, the Hustler and Buster

Sundance sunsets. Always preferred slam

dance myself. Oh

oh, Bradford is slammed to the mat

in a new matic pelvis pile driver.

Ohh, my hip. Feel it, feel it,

feel the vibration. Put down the cinder

block you little punk. Before I go,

Milagro Beanfield w*r on your *****.

Face hit Redford Robert Redford also

happens to be the natural when it

comes to brutal violence.

It looks like some stubble trouble for

Paul Newman.

George, I'm coming. Max,

Mark, my bad. Clooney

sandpaper scruff is useless

against Redford's weatherby, leathery

skin. Oh oh

incredible, He's slicing Wahlberg up like

a pizza. This be an indication of the

next Newman's Own line of products. So

you're famous for your blue eyes. Let's

see how far you get with a couple

of black ones.

Ohh. Beautiful

Newman shows Clooney how the West was

really won with the not so OK

corral move. Astonishing movement of

thought. A man of his age could

still inflict so much damage. Ohh, looks

like they're getting ready to deliver the

sting. Ohh, I can't stand to watch

Paul, we can't jump. From this I

I still can't swim. That's alright Ken.

Follow. Probably k*ll you. And this time

I'm serious.

It's all over limbs, blood, gore, all

over everything right for the new one

of the winner. You know you both

look taller in the movies. What a

stunner. Paul Newman and Robert Redford

proved once and for all that you're

never too old for bloody m*rder. Well,

that's it for our season premiere

extravaganza. I'm Nick Diamond and I'm

Johnny Gomez, and I'm under arrest. Reese

Frankenstein, you're wanted for the

m*rder of Bob Costas m*rder. But this is

celebrity deathmatch. People are k*lled

here on a regular basis without any

consequences. No, John, I'm afraid he's

right. What if you had explored?The

murderous tendencies in the ring it it'd

be another story, but as it stands you're

actually a vicious and brutal k*ller and

you're going to jail. Sicko. Ohh am I?

Getting away he sure is for

celebrity death match, good fight, good

night.

Why are you so stupid?

That's the name of the game.

Why are you so stupid?