04x06 - Where Is Albert Einstein's Brain?

[bunniefuu]

What happened was when history is

smartest man pits his throbbing brain

against sports strongest woman, Which two

rock legends are warming up for a barbed

wire bonanza Pain and what types of magic?

Abraca Death? Find out as

we begin another evening of

Hollywood bloodletting on Celebrity

Deathmatch.

Hello again, everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez

and I'm TV's Nick Diamond. Thanks for

joining us on the only show that features

fights between celebrities that end in

death. And we've got quite a fight. Are

tonight. Hey Johnny? Ohh, it's a real

All-Star bloodfest, Nick. First up,

Perfect Mind takes on Perfect Body as

Albert Einstein goes skull to skull with

WWF Power Vixen China. Next, Pearl Jams

Eddie Vetter throws down against Sounded

like Creed lead singer Scott Stapp in

a flesh reading Fandango. Then finally in

our main event, it's a magician meltdown

hitting the Vegas style glamour of David

Copperfield against the Brooklyn

inflicted St. cred of David, Blaine and

Johnny. I'm already seeing some activity

down on the arena floor. I believe

they've wheeled out The Time Machine for

the Albert Einstein China. Let's go

down to our own Debbie Minneapolis

standing by Debbie. Like most people, I

had never heard of Einstein, so I

did some research and here's what I

found out. Albert Einstein, inventor,

scientist, mustachioed, heterosexual.

Born in Menlo Park, NJ in 1847,

Einstein is responsible for some of the.

World's greatest inventions, the light

bulb that lights our Knights, the

phonograph that plays our songs of music,

and the motion picture camera that shoots

our classic films such as Jumanji and

Ernest Saves Christmas. Debbie, I think

you're thinking of Thomas Edison, who

Thomas Edison was the great inventor,

Albert. Einstein postulated the theory of

relativity. Well, excuse me, Alan Trebek.

Yes, I believe this may be

the great scientist now.

Jeez, for a genius he looks like a big

dumb asss. Yeah, I gotta go with Debbie

on this. Hey, what's up with the droll?

Einstein's brain was removed for study

upon his death 40 years ago, Nick,

whereabout to reunite him with that brain

in what I'm told is a television first,

now approaching a body with a suitcase

containing. Einstein's brain from the

accounting firm of Pricewaterhouse,

Michael Eisenberg and Kevin Jim. Inside

that briefcase rest the secrets of

the atomic b*mb, relativity, and the

universe itself. Boy, that thing must

really break. The accounts are now

installing the brain. It

is an historic moment. The speed

of light in a vacuum equals

a limiting velocity for material

particles. Is back just in time

for his showdown with China. That

history will record as equals MC

death. And there's China, the perfect

combination. Brown and beauty. I tell

you, Johnny, she's ready for battle.

Where's that genius? Where is he? I'm

hungry. Leave it. Nice meat Can. What's

this? It appears Einstein has a bit

of a crush on his opponent.

Hold on just a minute. I want a good

clean fight though I guess I'll just have

to settle for good and let's get it on.

So it begins the ultimate contest of

frames versus Braun. What's Einstein's

game, Johnny? He's just taking China's

abuse. Hey, Grandpa, did you hear the

bell? Yeah, and I laid eyes on

you, my muscle bound.

The only way you're getting inside me

is to clean the crap out of

my ears. China is trying with Einstein's

affections, using him like a giant huge

tip so you can defend yourself or

what?That's a

feast. All I want is peace. Ohh,

there's a piece of your arm.

There's a piece of your hip, Nick. I hate

to say it, but it looks like the father

of relativity is a big fat wolf God. See,

I could be. Your tutor will teach you all

about gravity. You mean the downward

force that's created when I leap off

these ropes?

Winstein, despite being bruised and

battered, seems intent on wooing China

with the finer points of science. So

does it turn shotsy once in a

combined teenager? Baking soda and

Platonian to mega.

My friends, you idiots, those cost me



really makes you hot when they feel

this ordinary blender. It's negative

hydrogen ions to create my own black

hole.

Oh my God.

Give me back my arm, you

********. That's right, big for Doctor

Einstein's loving. Big like Snout.

Einstein has taken control of this fight.

Really drive you right? You got my tongue

at you like in my famous photo and

look cute as a bug.

Stop calling me shots.

That has grappled of Einstein's tongue

and is wrapping it around his chest like

an Anaconda. And cheer yourself, Johnny.

This could be a gusher.

Einstein blows his top. This fight is

over three that match. China is the

winner. There you have it. Proof positive

that muscles are more important than IQ.

Hold on Johnny, there seems to be

some confusion in the ring. He was

supposed to keep an eye on it.

Fat *******. Well, the accountant seemed

to be having some trouble locating

Einstein's brain. This could be serious,

Nick. That Gray matters worth a fortune.

Alright, who named the brain? Don't make

me come out there. What can we

say, folks? It's live TV. Hold on.

I'm just receiving word that the. FBI

or a sealing off the exits until

Einstein's brain is found. Ohh folks,

stay tuned for further developments in

this fast breaking story. Once again,

Einstein's brain is missing whole big

Johnny guy. I don't think so.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. For

those just joining us, we're on the trail

of a fast breaking story. Albert

Einstein's brain is missing. It was last

seen during special delivery for

Celebrity Deathmatch. Hey, cool.

It might be a trick.

Just as I suspected, this

envelope spins, sealed with spinal

fluid. Most crazy

groupies think on next. This isn't fan

mail. Dear Celebrity Deathmatch

$3,000,000 that dumpster Outback. If you

ever want to see Einstein's brain again,

yes. If you think you're joking, check

the envelope.

Einstein's brains finger will fat

clinches it. These bozos mean business.

Alright, we'll keep you abreast of

developments in this ongoing case. But

now, on to the next fight. And

it's a doozy, Johnny. Especially since

the ropes for this match have been

replaced with rusty barbed wire. That's

one. 100% reinforced tungsten on loan

from the Soggy Bottom Correctional

Facility. And since the fighters have

both made huge fortunes singing about

their pain, they'll be glad to know

we've coated the wires with a generous

sprinkling of sea salt. In just a

moment, Pearl Jams. Eddie Vedder joins

Creed frontman Scott Stapp. Or a barbed

wire bonanza. Let's go back down to

Debbie Menos standing by with Eddie

Vedder. Hey, guys, I'm here with Eddie

Vedder, who's busy beating up a

Ticketmaster executive. Eddie, how do you

feel about the fight tonight? No

interviews. Lady Pearl Jam is about the

music. There we go out. The people, not

about. OK,

I guess we'll just talk to

Scott Stapp then. No, isn't it

obvious the guy stole my voice?

It's so freaking obvious. My voice.

My God, ticks me off.

Dramatic charges being leveled by Eddie

Vedder, the listener. There's barbed wire

is rusty as hell. Since our insurance

only covers us if you're quote, I've got

to get both if you're getting the shots

in the buttocks.

Hey, anybody ever tell you guys you sound

alike? Let's get it on.

With my voice.

It's my voice too.

Oh, oh, better's going for the

barbed wire back. I'll kick your

*****.

But Steps got a bad of

his own. You're fat and OHS.

Man, I don't believe this. We were

even stealing my fight moves. No, you

didn't do this. Ohhh. Yeah. Whoa. It

looks like Veto has been making some

withdrawals from the nation's strategic

fudge reserves. Now I get what this

is about. You're just jealous because I'm

rich. I'll give you

ripped. Come here.

Beautiful barbed wire, Pink belly by

better. This is where that sea

salt really makes its presence known.

Hey, horrible cane. Like listening to

Pearl Jam's by Topology. Are you

going to stop using my voice,

you cheap wannabe? Never fine. You

know, come in and get it.

Those attempting to renounce Scott

Stapp's larynx with his hands and

stabbed white feathers. Hand clean up.

That's gonna leave a bruise.

Seems like STEP has some plans for

that barbed wire, Nick. Ohh, stealing

your voice got me a platinum record.

Imagine what wearing your skin will do.

Step has flayed off better skin and

is trying to wear it as some

kind of skin dress this as they

most gruesome act of self transformation

I've seen since but Donovan came British

look at this the exposed muscles formerly

known as better is wanting up that.

Fire and sneaking up behind staff.

Reading Stop the barbed Wire and using

it to floss his throat.

Stops that just received death matches.

First Bob wire tonsillectomy. Try singing

now. Biatch. Ohh call little Bow

Wow stats gravely new voice really

sucks. It seems to have embraced

someone from the crowd. He's actually

entering the ring.

Why? It's gravel voiced actor slash

singing stars Tom Waits and boy does he

look angry. Without my voice, I'm just a

weird looking guy with a funny smell.

Give it, give it back,

you hear me? Give it

back.

He's dead son, you k*lled him.

Ohh good. And the winner is

Eddie. Better thanks to another guy.

Well, a truly surprising end. And

I don't surprise easy. In fact,

the last time I was genuinely

surprised was when. Young woman I met

on a group tour to Bangkok turned out

to be ohh, what's that? That's the

$3,000,000 this shows agreed to pay the

kidnappers to get Einstein's brain batch.

We'll have more on the kidnapping of

Einstein's brain and our main event when

Celebrity Deathmatch returns.

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match.

We're just moments ago our producers

delivered a cash ransom for the safe

return of Albert Einstein's brain. Our

hidden cameras at the ready to bring you

the pickup as it goes down.

Here's the bag containing the $3,000,000

ransom. That's a lot of blow up dolls.

Hold on Nick, there appears to be a

shadow entering the alley.

That's Einstein's brain. What the hell?

Wake up and smell the cerebellum, Johnny.

It was the brain all along. Are

you saying that the kidnapping was an

elaborate hoax perpetrated by the brain

itself? Ingenious. Let's go quickly to

our eye in the sky helicopter tracking

the getaway. Vehicle will be talking to

pilot Debbie Matenopoulos. Hey, guys.

Debbie, I didn't know you were a

helicopter pilot. Why? Because women

can't fly helicopters. Well, you're

wrong, pal. I got the stick thing here

and this dude dad makes the spinningcord.

We'll check in with Debbie a bit later.

Now it's time for our main event, right

Johnny? Tonight's big fight pits A glitz

and glamour Vegas showman against a new

age St. hipster he'd love to k*ll. It's

David Copperfield going mano Amano with

David. Playing in a fight we're calling

Magician Meltdown And there's

Copperfield. The pumpkin colored magician

has perpetrated some amazing illusions in

his career, but there's one that's

alluding him and that's making hot young

illusionist David Blaine disappeared from

the face of the earth. That's right,

Johnny, the Brooklyn barn Blaine has been

giving. Copperfield a run for his money

with TV specials in which he's frozen and

buried himself alive. And here comes that

c*ck young upstart now David Blaine

let's go down to Mills Lane as he

addresses the fighters. Copperfield

blame. I want a good clean fight and

if either one of you pulls the corn

out of my. I've messed you up

back. Let's get it on.

Copperfield comes out aggressively,

circling the block of ice like a jungle

cat. Ohh, they made

contact there, Johnny kicking the ice as

if to say you're cold, but that won't

deter me.

The crowd is not happy with the pace of

things. Well, I can't say I blame them.

This fight blows monkey chunks. Proper

Fields contemplating his next move.

That's the tornado maker from his

Tornado of Fire TV special.

After their show, then Copperfield this

riding the treacherous tornado of flame

to melt plane out of his icy

prison. Magic. Ladies and

gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you.

Copperfield succeeds in melting the ice

into a puddle. But where's David Blaine?

They hang on, Johnny. Something's wrong

with the hot dog vendor. Ohh.

Hits David Blaine

Spectacular entrance reading

Sacred Brothers.

Copperfield is burning with jealousy.

That looks painful. Copperfields Vegas

glitz momentarily outmatched by Blaine's

gritty St. Savvy. OK, Mr. Lane,

the time has come for you

to surrender to the wonders of

magic. I don't see where Copperfield.

Gain any points with the coloured

hanky bit? Yo man, that's the

lamest, most tired *****. Hold on

a minute Boston, we've got intestine.

Classic fit of what I've been

shipped from the crafty Copperfield 9.

Fly away, magic. Ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Looks like

planes attempting to regain control of

this fight with one of his signature

tricks. Big Dale. Hell, I've pulled the

heads off life birds before. Hey, what's

this plane has reattached the birds.

And brought it back to life. I'd

like to see Copperfield out through that.

Ohh yeah, yeah, you must have my

hands.

I don't like where this is going.

In an effort to one up blame, Copperfield

has ripped the Modell's head to clean up

and is trying to reattach it.

Magic ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

I was going to k*ll you

bro, but you're doing yourself in

just fine. Ohh, go wash your

undershirt you little g*ng member. You

leave me no choice but to

perform. My greatest illusion ever.

Copperfield looks to be setting up

for his most dangerous illusion,

levitating over a tank of piranhas.

This could either end very well

or very badly, or somewhere in

between. Complete silence. Copperfield

calling for quiet.

Levitation, of course, requiring

incredible mental keenness.

Johnny. Supermodel

Claudia Schiffer. Hey, get off her,

you tattoo ball of grease. Yeah,

yeah.

Copperfield struggling desperately to

escape the hungry piranhas.

Badly injured, but has escaped what

looked to be certain death. Yo Kreskin,

you're starting to bore me. How about we

let the fish finish their meal? It looks

like planes trying to put an end to this

fight, fears lost a lot of blood. It

would take a Houdini to get out of this

mess. Funny you should say that, Nick,

since Copperfield is the largest. Electro

Houdini paraphernalia in the world. I

see handcuffs, a straight jacket. Look

out. He's got hooked in his

magic baseball bat.

He's barely conscious.

At the last second, Copperfield turned

this fight around.

Copperfields, the winner. Magic, ladies

and gentlemen, thank you. David

Copperfield pulling it out in the bottom

of the ninth with some help from

vaudeville great Harry Houdini. And might

I say, Johnny, what are the show?

Could we piranhas? Colorful. Yankees and

a headless model into a seamless quilt of

quality entertainment. OK, maybe the

Hughleys, but that's another show that

Excuse me, Nick, I'm just getting word

that the police are calling off their

statewide dragnet for Einstein's brain,

concluding that he has eluded their grasp

and perhaps even left the country. But

that means that that's right. Which the

spunky little fella got away with it?

Well, he did have a head start.

For Celebrity Deathmatch, this is

Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez

saying good fight and goodnight

brain, wherever you are.

For you, baby.