04x08 - Gottfried in the Arena

[bunniefuu]

What happens when 2 of TV's youngest

stars break curfew to break each others

skulls? Who will survive when America's

favorite authors wage a bloody battle of

the best sellers? Which sexy supermodels

will be going?Lord to claw

on the catwalk of death. Find

out tonight on another sinew snapping

tendon tearing episode of Celebrity

Deathmatch.

Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez. No

Daddy, not the rubber pants.

Sorry Johnny, I I must have dozed off. I

guess so Now let's go see. My landlady

evicted me last night at 2:00 in the

morning. Tough break, but now's not the

time being. How is I supposed to know

there was an old **** fights clause in my

league? We're on the air, Nick. What?

Ohh. And we've

got our panel Plea of Pain on tap for

you tonight. By the way, you're not

staying with me. First up, Malcolm in the

Middle star Frankie Muniz and Robert

Iler, who plays Tony son AJ on The

Sopranos, tried to end each other's young

line. Next, it's a pugilistic page Turner

as master of Tara Stephen King. Throws

down against Harry Potter creator JK

Rowling in our main event. Model

slash actress Rebecca Romaine Stamos

takes on supermodels slash super beach

Naomi Campbell hoping to injure slash

k*ll her. Typically we'd go down

to Debbie Matenopoulos for some

background on our first fight. But she's

extremely pregnant and is under doctor's

orders to stay on her back. Hey, isn't

that how she got into this mess in the

first place?Even on

three hours sleep, I still got it here.

Filling in for Debbie with some

background on our first fight is funny

man Gilbert Godfrey. Gilbert Godfried,

How'd we get him? Funny man Bobcat

Goldthwait was busy. Welcome, Gilbert.

Thank you, Nick and Johnny. It's great to

be here on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Great is a strong word. It say

it's better than being a POW. Gilbert.

Our first match features the two hottest

child stars in television. That's right,

Johnny, These types have captured

America's hearts with their kooky antics,

but tonight, one of their hearts is

gonna stop. But why only anger?It's

just a couple of kids, not kids,

child actors. The angriest people on

earth, and I can explain why in



syndrome. Merkel had a similar start. He

was cute for coaches and everyone loved

him.

Voice change and the whiskers his hand

still wake up screaming. We'll see with

these kids. Tonight they're on top of

the world. Tomorrow they're working the

night shift spit shining the grill at

Jimmy'z Stewart's crew. That's why

tonight. Will be awarding the winner of

this fight the greatest prize our child

actor can receive 10 additional years of

childhood courtesy of the Celebrity

Deathmatch time machine. Another whole

decade of cuteness. Now there's an

incentive to k*ll. Let's go down to the

ring where Frankie Muniz and Robert Eyler

are ready for their.

Talk about your growth spurt. These kids

are losing cuteness by the minute. Give

me a good fight boy if you know, crying

for your momma. My momma traded me for a

cigarette and the pair of Nolans when I

was 2 and I turned out fine. Let's get it

on.

Just comes out starring Robert. I really

admire your work on The Sopranos. AJ's a

great character here, right? What does he

have like one line per show? Maybe we'll

even get to work together someday. God I

hope not. Have you seen this kids acting?

It's worse than his Bo.

Are those brass knuckles Eilers wearing?

Nick isn't that adorable. The young

Sopranos actor thinks he's a real

mafioso. Come on, what do you need with

The Time Machine? You're so good looking.

That's a laugh. This kid looks like

Pugsley from the Addams Family.

Tyler seems to have a sudden urge to

play with his Game Boy. Wait, wait. He's

placing it inside an old tube sock. Ohh.

He nails him with a Super Mario bump.

Looks like Isla's got some plans for that

gallon of milk. Johnny, open your mouth.

Robert Isler is force feeding Eunice the

entire gallon of milk. I wonder what his

game is. Johnny Milk does a body good

Nick. And for a child actor that's very

bad. I can feel

myself growing already. Soon I'll just

be another awkward hairy teenager like

Jennifer Capriotti. Ohh. Staring ahead

blankly as Muniz approaches. Hey man,

what's that on your shirt?

No seriously, who's on my shirt

now? Isla really is a soprano.

What delicious irony. Hey Robert, what's

your favorite cereal? Captain Crunch is

clearly well versed in the arts

of the playground. Bully Muniz wedding

his finger now, Yes.

Get out your passport, Tyler. You're

about to enter a world of cooties. I

don't think so, chucklehead.

Those aren't just caps, Johnny, that's

the whole me. Say what you want about

either, but it's refreshing to see a

young man with such respect for mob

tradition. Ohh God for pain. I haven't

felt this much pain since I was forced

to watch. Skip.

Fighting spirit left. Ohh. I don't see

how he can pull off a win without

knees. Time to resort to my secret

weapon. Hey Robert, you want some

ravioli? Sopranos fans know Hitler loves

his pasta. Go ahead. You don't want to

k*ll me on an empty stomach, do you?

No, I guess not. Like old Butter rush

here. Never had an empty stomach. Good,

right? My mom made it from scratch.

Of course, something that you want to

use. My idea it's an Italian American

nightmare.

Tyler has exploded all over the mat.

This match is over. Young Frankie Muniz

has pulled off a stunning upset with

the help of some well placed antacids.

Score that one. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz,

curtain. Ohh Frankie Nunez.

Stay tuned to see Frankie Muniz collect

his prize, a time machine trip back

to youth and cheapness. But coming up

first, Stephen King takes on JK Rowling

and Naomi Campbell fights Rebecca Romaine

Stamos when Celebrity Deathmatch returns.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. Are

you people ready for more bone

pulverizing deathmatch action? I know one

guy who is and his name is

me. Well. Somebody put a power

nap during the break. You called it

Johnny Boy? The new apt I found is

so close I was able to sleep and

shower and get back with time to spare.

Sounds convenient. It's also rent free

and chock full of celebrity guests. Good

God, you're living in the green room

aren't you?Nick, the green room

is there, so guest of the show, have a

place to relax before they fight. You

can't just move in and declare it your

personal property. Sounds like somebody

wishes they thought of it first. Let's go

down to Gilbert Godfried for some

thoughts on our next fight. Gilbert. Yes,

I'm right here in my hand. Holding

books written by each of our next

fighters, This is the Stand wouldn't by

world famous horror writer Stephen King.

And this is Harry Potter and the

Sorcerer's Stone, written by JK Rowling.

Now I'm not exactly what you'd call

a reader, so I've asked the esteemed

literary critic.

To help us assess the impact

of these books. Good evening. Oh,

oh, oh, oh. Well, there you

have it. Quite

an impact. Thanks Gilbert. Now let's go

down to the range where Stephen King

and JK Rowling are set to begin

their battle of the best sellers. Rolling

has taken the reading world by storm

with her books about the young wizard

Harry Potter. And there's Stephen King,

the master of. Modern horror wants

desperately to destroy the woman who's

been usurping his fame and fortune. King

outweighs rolling, of course, but he does

have that injured right leg. Doctors

rebuilt it after he was run over by

a van. The new leg, said to be



just ain't system. So when

you hear the bell come out fighting,

let's get it on. Sister Mary's English

class. Sounds like a book to me.

WWW dot.

Wants to read your silly Internet books,

you greasy little man? You think he can

take me, you little pen? Jackie, I'm the

master, baby. I've seen it all. I've

written it all.

Don't hit me with that. Scary.

What happened?

Your socks two different colors.

Victory is mine.

Oh my God.

Why Johnny? He appears to be using them

as some sort of makeshift pen and inkset.

Red round.

I suppose I'll have

to summon sterner spirits,

Sulphury, Ignitum, Factoria.

Dark Lord of the Bowels to incite

blue flame from your bum. Victory is

mine. Well, I have

to admit, rolling seems to be a bona

fide wizard. 2 better spells are

completely lame.

What do you think you're doing?

Gaseous expulsion.

Look up.

Rolling mounting a broomstick in what may

be a bit to escape, but instead

she's creating clothes from above using

Harry Potter's favorite sport, Quidditch.

Hey, look at me, I'm my spooky

witch. Either you leave me no choice

but to summon the terrible powers of

He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Hey, what's with the black cloud, huh?

I'm just spitballing here, Nick, but

Bowling may be calling up the nefarious

magic of the dark wizard Voldemort.

Umm.

A bolt of lightning, no punch.

This fight is over. Wait a

minute. Something's happening to King's

leg. Impossible, unless the circuits in

King's rebuilt leg were reanimated by

that bolt of lightning.

No, wait, no, no.

Rolling is out, the winner is Stephen

King plays. King's leg comes on strong in

the closing minutes of this match to take

it all. The only question I have now

is can the leg type?

Now where the hell is he?

Hmm.

Naomi, you ever make it with

a square?

Ohh, sorry, I thought this was the green

room. Well, it is Rebecca. I mean, it's

actually my pet, but it double s as

a green room for the really cool guests

like you. Now while you ladies change

into your fight clothes, I'll whip us up

some squeeze cheese marketing. These are

our fight clothes. Umm.

You idiot.

What are we supposed to do?

Welcome back to Celebrity Death Match,

where we're just moments away from

Johnny. Hold on, Nick, We're we're just

moments away from seeing Naomi. Campbell

take on Rebecca Romaine Stamos 2 giants

in the world of money. There was an

accident in the green room and I kind of

sprayed cheese all over the girls so they

got pretty angry and then I told you

moving into the green room was a bad

idea. Let me guess, they stormed out and

we have no fight. Well, that's just. You

have to fight in their underwear.

Really.

Not bad. There's Victoria's Secret model,

film actress and House of Style

Hostess Rebecca Romain Stamos. We

marmalade look at those flanks like

a welcome the chance to fight

the person she blamed for soiling

the reputation of bottles everywhere.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell, accompanied by

her anger management counselor. She's

under orders to have him within



said no, pinkies, get away from

me. You're fired. And now, ladies

and gentlemen, it's time for our

main event, Rebecca Romaine.

Versus Naomi Campbell in a fight

where now calling hot models wrestling

around in their frauds and panties.

That I'm dedicating this fight to my

beloved husband, Scott Bayo. The kindest,

most generous. Hello. Oops, I meant John

Stamos. Sorry, honey. OK, ladies, when

you hear the bell, I want you to

come out and fight. Don't tell me what

to do. Oh, man. Do you know who

you're talking to? Naomi Campbell.

The w*r between the cover girls

begin.

I'll have you know I've auditioned

for Spielberg. What? Saving Private.

This fight could be over.

Water break.

Resumes.

I don't get it Johnny, The brain can't

live without blood, but the strangling

doesn't seem to be affecting them.

They're models makes they can enjoy

successful and fulfilling lives without

any brain function at all.

Naomi not happy about having that bottle

of spring water lodged deep in her color.

Naomi, are you OK?

Look at that.

Let's turn on the new hyper sensitive

microphones we embedded in the floor of

the mat before the fight.

Now it definitely can't get any hotter.

That's all. Kind of think I was going to

give you a present. Present. Yes, I'll

give it to you if you just unlock me

about a class act. Rebecca is actually

going to give a gift to her sworn enemy.

Maybe now we can stop this silly feud.

Why, it's almost as beautiful as

I am. That supermodel is pretty

in mink. What a thought. Wow,

unbelievable. A group of animal rights

protesters have stormed the ring and

are attacking Naomi Campbell. The first

flying and now I'm going to.

This fresh and funky hat pin designed by

my good friend Todd Oldham. Naomi may be

done for. Nick, look out. Naomi Campbell

is sick to death of her opponent and is

trying to induce vomiting. Isn't that

just like a supermodel? Hang on, Nick,

she's grabbed hold of something, is it?

Some kind of weapon?

That stomach got to be filled with toxic

acids. Rebecca may be in trouble. You

look like you could use a shower here.

That she's actually dissolving

her opponent's flat? No.

MTV.

Tomorrow.

My darling.

Umm.

Campbell's the winner. An exciting end to

an exciting fight. And Nick, perhaps

there's a lesson here about the ephemeral

nature of beauty itself. You think they'd

let me keep the panties? Ohh. Let's go

down to Gilbert Godfrey with the winner

of our first fight, Frankie Munez,

preparing for his trip back.

OK, big boy, ready to

go. Ready, Mr. Gottfried?



in, barring any unforeseen circumstances.

Boy, what a night. Thank God for

the stupor inducing powers of strong

drink.

Let's hope it didn't affect that.

Transfer process for young Frankie Muniz.

I'm cute as a button.

There's that irony again. Now that's

one young actor with a bright

future behind him for Celebrity

Deathmatch. This is Nick Diamond and

Johnny Gomez saying good fight, good

night.