04x12 - Celebrity Deathmatch: North vs. South

[bunniefuu]

People prevail when a loud mouth

knuckleball or swings away at an All Star

slugger. What will happen when a

responded country crooner gets ugly on a

beautiful pop icon? And who will survive

when 2 b*ttlefield heroes?Be right,

American history with each other's

blood. Find out right now

on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good evening folks. I'm Johnny Gomez. I'm

Nick Diamond. And as you can see

by our period costumes, we've got a

high concept show that'll settle an

age-old score. Consent for all. Some call

it the Civil w*r. Some call it

the w*r of Northern Aggression. But after

tonight, historians will remember it only

as Celebrity Deathmatch N versus South.

That's right, we've got a real live

Civil w*r reenactment as heroes from The

North Face their Southern rivals. Up

first, it's picture. Christmas hitter As

New York Yankee Derek Jeter steps to

the plate against big mouth of the

South, former Atlanta Braves John Rocker.

Then lovely ladies lacerate each other.

Mississippi bred country superstar Faith

Hill takes on Indiana's pop icon Janet

Jackson. Finally, it's a dramatic rematch

between. Ruling generals who shaped the

course of American history. Ulysses S

Grant versus Robert E Lee. OK, folks,

it's time for our first north-south

battle of the night. Derek Jeter and

John Rucker, Major League Baseball stars

at the top of their games and

ready to prove it. That

Shirley Streets can only mean one thing.

Derek Cheater is in the house. Cheater is

an All Star Golden Glove shortstop who

made baseball history by dating Mariah

Carey while at the same time getting a

lot of hits or RBI's or something.

Whatever it was, he got the most and

the girls love them for it.

You lyrics miss. And here comes his

opponent all the way from Macon, GA,

John Rucker. This young man made a

name for himself not only with his

incredible relief pitching, but by signal

handedly invading a major US city with

one. Run on sentence here to

reenact that famous colorful rant.

Legendary baseball great Leo the big

squatter. Humphrey. The biggest thing I

don't like about New York are

the foreigners. I'm not a very

big fan. Humphrey ladies and entire

block in Times Square. And not

hear anybody speaking English, Asians and

Koreans and Vietnamese and the Indians,

Russians and Spanish people and

everything up there. How the hell did

they get in this country? Thank you.

Well, Humphrey, ladies and gentlemen, in

honor of this historic fight, the big

squatter is going to throw out the

first punch. Is the wind

up?Here's the punch.

OK, boy, that went a good clean fight and

no pepper games, whatever the hell that

means. Let's get it on.

Touch me, you disgusting New Yorker

flags, John. I'm a big admirer of

your work, but I'm still gonna kick

your *****.

You're gonna hit me with cr*cker jerks.

Ain't just gonna hit your number 2, gonna

beat the number 2 out of 10.

Tracker space. He's going right for the

surprise toy. It's a Yahoo. It's a

tomahawk. Hit the

former Atlanta Braves bust out of

Tomahawk Chop. Those prizes have come a

long way since I was a kid. Because

Atlanta know you're doing this. I thought

they wanted nothing to do with you. OK,

Indian Juice Tom Hawks 2.

Swinging the miss.

I have no patience. You. It's the Met

fans I hate. You insulted the people of

New York. You're big dumb monkey. I have

no choice but to cut off your head and

bring it back to the good people of

Manhattan where they will laugh at it and

spread with graffiti.

Damn boy you cut my pitching

on incredible Jeter mobile severed

rockers upper trapezoid now that

southpaws are North Pole.

It ain't funny. I'm supposed to pitch

tomorrow.

I learned this during my contract

negotiations. It's the 7th inning year

stretch. Now. I'm not saying I'm great

or anything, I'm just kicking your *****

once you get a time like any

other hard working ballplayer. What a

gentleman for a northerner.

I take back taking back what I

said. New York sucks, subway smell like

pee, and I'm gonna spill your human

melting potassium.

Rocco's going for a weapon, you know.

Really. Giving Jeter the finger. I'm

number one. Yeah, yeah. Hang on. The

Golden Glove Stars got a weapon of

his own. It's a Golden glove.

My now you.

Let's watch her daughters and real

troubles. Jeter laying into his opponents

with a furious as*ault. And But

wait, Rocker really is a solid

ball player with a head made

of solid concrete. A biological wonder.

Painful head button.

Followed by a tobacco loogie through the

eye. Oh oh, rockers up to something

on coast. Cedar may be in worse

trouble than we thought. Great Caesar's

ghost. What is it? Some call it

gutter butter. Some call it crease.

Crease. I call it gently crotch rot.

Going to put it on.

Either take a foul ball to the face,

a face full of for Thunder. I've never

seen anything so horrible.

That's it. I'll have to get ugly kids.

Take it from Derek Jeter, don't try this

at your home field.

Good Lord, he's got the 9 ball.

Peter's got another battery that's even

bigger. It's it's a die hard.

Mark about to do it. Best start

spreading the news rocker. You're

bleeding today.

It's the old Statue of Liberty

play like Yankees win, the Yankees

win, Derek Gear is the winner,

and the first battle of the

night has been won by the

North today. I consider myself the

luckiest man. On the face of

the earth. Luckier than that guy,

anyways. Faith Hill meets Janet Jackson

and US Grant takes on Robert

E Lee when Celebrity Deathmatchcontinues.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch N

versus South. Right now the North

leads 1 zip. And now it's

time for our second bout representing

the North Indiana native and MTV

icon Janet Jackson and her opponent

from the Magnolia State. Mississippi, the

lovely and talented Faith Hill. It's

Dixie debutante versus Hoosier Afro vamp,

and it has Civil w*r written

all over it. Sort of. But

unlike the warring post colonial United

States, these fighters are real hotties.

And because most celebrities are

beautiful on the inside. Who? We were

concerned they might go easy on each

other tonight, which left us with a

dilemma. How do we make these gentle

souls hungry for blood? As the following

video will tell you, we had to get

creative. Six months ago, Faith Hill and

Shannon Jackson were summoned to the

Deathmatch arena, where they were locked

in a room and encouraged to take their

grudge beyond a north. S country pop

Urban pop Rivalry. Now some of you might

not know this, but when two or more

women are put together for an extended

period of time, their menstrual cycles

align. And when that happens, we sleep in

the car. Now, if my calculations are

correct, these cycles are in total

alignment, right?About now, let's see

if our experiment works.

Poland. Now, ladies, I want a good, clean

fight. What's that supposed to mean?

You're saying we're not good or clean?

You could eat off this body. Love it. OK,

ladies, I know how you can get during

your sensitive time. You need me for

anything. I'll be hiding in the camp.

Let's get it on. Jahan, you spent all

those years battling a fat ***** you

shouldn't have any problem with little

old me. Excuse me, but it's Miss Jackson

if you're nasty and from the racy penny

shots in your liner notes, I can see your

asss Nasty with a capital A.

Lookout.

Learned in the Rhythm Nation, this dance

style influenced so many other pop stars

and is certainly affecting faith.

Tonight, why don't you and your horse

stealing husband go back to Dog Pet

Dog Patch? Bless your heart, you're

making fun. Maybe you'll enjoy this. It's

electric. It's electric. The Electric

Slide. A Southern Vance stable. Now.

Inconvenient weapon form. I'll have you

know that it was Tim's friend

who sold that horse. This next

move is dedicated to all Southern

ladies everywhere. Hey, how y'all doing?

Hi. Hi. Incredible. Execute something

perfect. Waffle House hammer throw. Janet

Jackson is scattered, smothered and

covered in blood. You and your

stinking Waffle House. Well, I think

that place is nothing more than

a than a trailer trash. I

hope. Yeah. What's so special?

You know damn well IHOP has all

those different syrups, even boysenberry.

Ohh. And one other thing. I can't

believe Mississippi still flies the

Confederate flag. Nick, it's getting ugly

in there. You have issues with my

kinfolk. Perhaps we need to sit down

and talk it over. Cold

beverage? What the Hell's going on,

Johnny? Why is Faith being so

sweet? I'm not sure, unless it's

typical Southern passive aggression. I

don't drink soda. I mean, it

ain't popping it.

They tell you, hoser heads exploding

with a picture of sweet tea.

That's Southern delight. Thank hell.

Tonight she is very cordial and

very deadly. Things have indeed taken

a turn for the former Good

Time star. Some good times tonight.

Penny on not so good. The

name is Miss Jackson.

Ohh, listen that Dennis Jackson is

back. Look ladies,

me and young girl here are

having us a real hold down.

Ohh, down home, down. Now listen

up, Piggly Wiggly. I've worked long

and hard contriving my wholesome image

and nobody's taking it away. Especially

not some Jackson. Ohh, real pretty

voices. But you're not even a sack of

Google clusters. Ohh

my gosh, they piled devastating her

opponent with a full frontal flash

remover. Faith Hill is the winner. How

about that Nick? The South has even

the score. I have never been so

disgusted and or aroused at the same

time. We'll be back with our dramatic

mean. Two incredible fighters, 1

horrible grudge. They're gonna settle the

score right after this.

Hey Johnny, that playing your song?

For those of you just tuning in, we've

been enjoying some celebrity Death match

N versus South. Right now. Two of the

greatest military minds from the Civil

w*r are here for a very uncivil w*r

with each other. It's Union General

Ulysses S Grant taking on their hero of

the Confederacy, Robert E Lee. They may

not be your traditional celebrities, but

I would argue without these two guys

Hollywood wouldn't even exist. Head down

courtesy of the newly approved voice

activated Celebrity Deathmatch Time

Machine General Ulysses S Grant.

Who the hell are those guys? Who the

hell are you guys? I'm Ronnie Van Zant,

and this here's Alan Collins. We're

Leonard scattered. How about you? Well,

Leonard, I'm referee Mills Lane and I

believe we have a problem. Fans. Sant.

What happened to Grant? Damn that. Voice

activated software Bill Gates is gonna

hear from me. What song is it you wanna

hear?Oh wait,

I mean, what move is it you want

to see? How about a Sweet Home Alabama

slammer care? Can you get the hell out

of my arena?

Come here.

Let's try this again,

Ulysses S Grant.

There's an happy hour yet. Somebody pour

me a cold one. Yes, US Grant

in the flesh and his opponent. He

got his ***** handed to him at

Appomattox, but he's back for revenge

tonight. The gentleman General Robert E

Lee.

I take great pleasure in this here

rematch with Grant. Ohh yeah.

It's my great honor to have you here.

I, too, am a veteran, having served

proudly under the great Marine Corps

General Chesty Puller during the battle.

We speed this up. I don't want a

history lesson. I won't answer. So,

General, we meet again. Indeed. Ohh.

Speaking of action House Missus Graham.

Thank you. How's that little College of

yours? Fine. Fine. Tell me, general, why

are there no Ivy League schools in

the South? Is it because you Southerners

are also blooming ignorant? What? Why you

leave? Draws first blood with the point

of his Saber. This rematch has begun.

I favored reconstruction. But tonight,

I'm deconstructing your *****. Bring it

on US.

Credible taking up arms.

You.

Pardon me, Sir, have you seen the 14th

Army of the Potomac camped in the area?

Confounded How in tarnation am I supposed

to win a w*r without reinforcement?

Hey.

They've lost their arms. Look

out. Because you come from

who?You're mine

now. US hold. Ohh, it's up please.

Putting his trademark move on brand, some

might recognize this primitive precursor

to the Stone Cold stunner.

Stone Ball Stunner, named after

that Great American Stonewall Jackson

and not the g*y bar

as far as I know.

Is that all you got,

hillbilly Taste my northern rest.

Good heavens, it's the shallow

shoulder separator. That's my personal

physician with my leeches. Somebody comes

off my arm. Welcome to 21st century,

Grandpa. Imagine a guy my age calling

someone else Grandpa. OK, US. I didn't

want to have to do this, but

how about a dream?

I know how much you like the spirits. Did

you get kicked out of the army for this

once? No, I well, there was just a big

misunderstanding.

Thank God. No. Whoopsie. That

wasn't methyl alcohol. That was

her dangerous cousin Ethel. What

a cruel trick. Did you

see what he did? I

think he should be disqualified.

Hello. Answer me. Ohh. Johnny

Bravo. Really is blind. How was he

gonna finish this fight? Wow. You may

have temporarily blinded me lately, but

I've shaken off worse. Like your boys at

full run as I recall.

Incomprehensible. It's a move dating back

to the Reconstruction Era. SI can't

believe you stopped us from seceding.

You ruined everything.

Imagine, if you will, people that our

Confederacy had won. I had such wonderful

plans for our beloved land South of

the border. I was going to call

this new land South of the border.

Cotton was only the beginning. We trade

with all travellers up and down the

East Coast. Back scratches and

and bottle rockets, ashtrays and pecan

logs. We would have had many

deals. Golf enough. Let's fight like

men. I challenge you to a

duel. What? I've never seen anything

like it. A real duel in

the death. I want a

good clean duer count off 10 paces and

come out swinging, and I don't mean that

in a sexual way.



And the battle rages on.

Half a brain.

Good heavens is bloodier than Antietam.

Both generals are suffering heavy

casualties. Hey, remind me to pick up

some head and shoulders on the way home

tonight.

Come on, get this up. You ain't so bad

Mr. Lee. It was a hard fought w*r and

I congratulate you. My strategic mind has

again prevailed and I'll now be pleased

to accept your unconditional surrender on

behalf of the Confederate States of

America. Ohh, really? I don't think so.

This is unprecedented. The generals

refused to give up. Nick. Look at this.

They dropped their weapons. It's hand to

hand combat. It's more than that, Johnny.

It's a thumb w*r lookout. Red Scott.

Leave right where he wants them. How do

you know it's Grant? By his trademark

hairy knuckles.

And this fight is over. French

film is the winner.

Here down here Pennywise grants from

claiming victory. The North wins the

night 2 fights to one. Thanks for

watching and TuneIn next week and we

invite those of you here with us in

the arena to stick around for a celebrity

death match. Southern style hog. I mean

just calls the north. On tonight that

don't mean we can't help us. A

big bacon y'all. Good fight, good night.

Ohh.