04x13 - The Missing Beatles Tape

[bunniefuu]

Who will deliver the k*ller punchline in

the battle of the late late night talk

show host? Which world famous weight

watcher will put the dye in diet? And who

will be the last living Liverpudlian from

the greatest rock band?Full time. Those

grizzly answers and many more

await tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello everybody. I'm Johnny Gomez. And

I'm Nick Diamond. Welcome to Celebrity

Deathmatch. First up tonight, it's a late

late night w*r between lovable lug Conan

O'Brien and politically. The correct

politically incorrect host Bill Maher,

then a buxom, recently widowed

multimillionaires, tells us with a former

royal pain in the ***** it's Anna

Nicole Smith versus Sarah Ferguson. And

in our main event, witness Fab 4

fallout when we bring you John, Paul,

George and Ringo circa 1970.

Hard day's fight, but First off, move.

Hey, America, what's the good word?

What's the nobody supposed to be in here?

Yeah, well, I'm Ted Turner, billboard

magnate turned cable TV pioneer, owner of

millions of acres of prime real estate in

the high country. Not to mention

America's team did Atlanta Braves. You

can't just barge onto our show and

invited. No, by the looks of your Sorry

as lineup tonight, my presence should

Jack up your so-called rating. Sorry S

lineup. With all due respect, Ted, we

have The Beatles. Folks. This tape was

missing for 30 years. If I hadn't been

cleaning out my rumpus room last week, it

might never have. Been found? Wow, that's

wow. But even The Beatles can't hold

a candle to my brand new venture.

I call it Extreme Celebrity Deathmatch.

My ex CDM is going to make

the whole world forget about that Vince

McMahon fella. MC XD Who's it? What

now exactly? And it's going to put

you. Guys out of business forever and

it's only the beginning. I can see it

now. XNXX TBS. Now listen up, Ted. Nobody

messes with our show and gets away with

it all. Well, bless your heart. Sounds

like you mean business.

Folks, typically our main event is

broadcast at the end of the program to

manipulate you, the viewer at home into

watching the entire episode while MTV

lets those commercial dollars roll in.

But tonight, we're so pumped to have this

beautiful Beatles fight back that we're

going to give Madison Ave. the finger and

show this main event right now. Ladies

and gentlemen, hold on to your

mop tops. Please welcome The Beatles.

That's not The Beatles. Hey James, double

T here again. By the time y'all see

this recording, I'll be long gone with

your Beatles tape in my possession.

Accordingly, I expect my ex CDM ratings

to hit the roof.

That billionaire hillbilly stole our

tape. Now what are we going to do?

I mean, besides panicked. According to

the hosts manual, in case of a death

match event being ripped off by the

competition, we move on to an alternate

match. Well, I won't question the manual.

That means it's time for lowbrow versus

slightly higher. Well, as night owls

Conan, O'Brien and Bill Maher Duke it out

in the Late Late Show blowout, The true

barony of this matches that O'Brien is a

Harvard educated smart guy who runs a

silly show featuring potty jokes, goofy

interviews and foul mouthed puppets,

whereas Mar, who some say is more marked

than brains, rips on heady topics. Like

tort reform and supply side economics.

Tonight one of these comedians makes the

transition from talk show host to talk

show ghost. Mark O'Brien. I don't watch

either of your shows because I thought my

beauty sleep and boy does it show. Let's

get it on. Great looking

audience. In fact, you look like you

lost a little weight. Wow, Mars starts

to match off violently by dropping a

huge b*mb. Anyhow, what's up with those

Republicans, huh? Are they crazy or what?

That is so true. Finally political jokes

everyone can get. Boy are they crazy.

You called that political humor? I

haven't heard a joke that lame since

Clinton appointed Cisneros head of HUD.

Yikes. If its audience approval Mars

seeks he's way off base. Idiots.

Let's skip the opening monologue and move

right to the opening of your jugular

vein, you pseudo intellectual twin. Ohh,

Ryan gets mean with a self referential

gag to the throat.

He's gone from Conan O'Brien to Conan the

Barbarian, and that pun is officially out

of the way.

With a face like this, the door

Bunny and Hassell never let me inside.

We're into the mansion either. Ohh that's

gotta hurt. I haven't seen it dropping

like this since the dead guy beat

Ash dropped in Missouri, am I right

folks? Ohh for crying out loud. People

read a paper. Let's face it, he's a bit

too obtuse. Well, the camera does add 20

lbs, Johnny. Yeah. Hey everyone, look at

my hair, man. It's Mad

TV here, it's goofy hair.

O'Brien up with a real meat slapper and

he follows up with a classic side

splitter. People are tired of your easy

gags, O'Brien. They're ready for me to

usher in a new age of intelligent

political humor, Am I right, folks? At

Yahoo, everyone.

No, no, no, you're too kind. Really

hope Ryan's ease with the audience is

driving more insane with freight.

Look at that. Mother is chilling tonight

folks. Literally if not comedically. Ohh

my intestines are falling out you idiot.

I'm your colon for you to book

from. Amazing. That's O'Brien Dies who

still kills with his wacky out there

comic stylings. Well, I guess if I'm

going to win this thing, I best remember

what they taught us at Harvard to use our

head. Ouch. Conan O'Brien doesn't miss a

comedic beat and or beating. Ohh. Come on

Conan, why do you think only you Ivy

Leaguers could come up with a pimp robot

and a sock puppet that says poop?

Little swingers coming up short again.

Lookout Bill Maher may be in

trouble. When I stepped

in, everybody but O'Brien's not finished

with him yet.

Look at me. I'm Bill Maher. I'm dead.

But I still think I'm so smart.

Conan O'Brien.

Crack up Conan O'Brien gets the last

laugh in the late, late laugh w*r and Ted

Turner gets the last laugh on us. What

are we gonna do about that stolen Beatles

tape, Johnny? We're gonna use these few

minutes of commercial time to do

everything in our power to get it back.

So don't go away, kids and dads. That

curvaceous Anna Nicole Smith. Is just

moments away.

But he stole our tape. If you can't rub

him out, can't you at least shake him up

a little? But but OK, I realize you're

busy. Thanks anyway and and say hi.

As you can see, we're still hard at work

trying to track down Ted Turner and the

historic Beatles death match he stole

from this booth only moments before

Showtime. We promise we'll find a way to

show this Beatles fight tonight, come

helter, skelter or high water. It's just

too damn important. Meanwhile, we'll move

right along to our second. Former Playboy

Playmate Anna Nicole Smith was a poor

girl who married an octogenarian Texas

billionaire. When he died a short time

later, a California called awarded her

millions of the old man's dollars, and

despite ping pong appeals, she's been

living high on the hog and as large

as one ever since. Whereas. Touches of

York. Sarah Ferguson hasn't since her

divorce from Prince Andrew. Fergie lost

her money and her royal status. We can

only imagine how furiously jealous she

must be of Smith. It's a reversal of

fortune in a fight we like to call

the Princess versus the Porphyrius.

There's Anna hounding some pre fight.

Protein. And there's Fergie watching her

weight by snacking on what appears to

be a Weight Watchers menu.

All right, ladies, let's hope you're at

your maximum fighting weight. Let's get

it on.

I think I'll start out with a trick my

late husband taught me on our wedding

night. Smiths secrets

to a happy marriage will have to wait as

Fergie quickly turns the tables on the

bovine beauty. Nice try down the slot.

Now it's time to take out the white

trash. The

former Duchess defies her up across

character by pulling in Urban Cowboy

Crusher on Smith. I haven't seen girl

on girl action like this since, well,

I never had, sadly. Ohh, Fergie totally

bucked 7 seconds. Not bad, all right

dad, just a dork.



No idea what spits going to do next, but

you can bet it won't be too pretty or

too skinny either. You're a weight

watcher, right? Well, watch this. Wait.

Wow, Smith launches A devastating trailer

trash compactor. Fergie may have royal

blood in her Johnny, but now she's

got it on her too. Ohh, he's

time for my between snacks snacks.

Deep fried pig flesh. Ohh. Too

delicious to resist. Ohh, I don't

believe it. Freddy's falling off her

diet faster than you can say.

Suck my toes, sailor.

Barbara Palooza, Johnny, it looks like

her in a chop is trying to get

out again, only this time ask first.

Is that your book or are you

squatting on a sack of doorknobs? You

paid for that, you plus size Marilyn

Monroe RIP off. Be cruel, Britannia.

Fergie forces Smith to swallow her

hurtful words as well as her own

nose. Looking for.

Look at her go now. I don't think a

member of British royalty has ever

exerted that much physical effort and the

endless quick We'll be late for dinner.

Ohh, what the Hell's going on here? Do

you like this ring? I do. Do you

want me to have it? I do. By

the power vested in me by the state

of Nevada, I now pronounce you man and

wife. What the cop is going on? You

may now k*ll the bride. Inconceivable

knowing that her last marriage ended

quickly in death. Smith has just

married Fergie's last. Knowing you,

you're sadness. What? What are you

talking about? I feel fine.

Preposterous. Body effective, Smith

repeats her uncanny ability to turn

wedding bliss into sorely missed with a

Black Widow wallop. If you're keeping

score at home, it's Smith 2. Happily

married to Smith 0, The winner is

Anna Nicole Smith. Lady Anna

Sugar pants. I just married royalty,

remember? Unbelievable. The tr*mp is now

a lady. I smell one. What's

that, little lady? Do you have

any idea how expensive it is

to be made? Now, where you

at, billionaire? Come on back and

smell. Show yourself, what the

hell is this crazy chick up to? She

Smells a billionaire and not Miss Crowd

Honey. Ted What? Maybe she's talking

about Ted Turner. She can lead us right

to her and we can get our Beatles

tape back.

Good Lord, we're through the looking

glass. Awesome loco. Let's turn. A fellow

really knows how to improve on an

existing idea. Nick the man colorized

Casablanca. He must be stopped.

Billionaire. Billionaire. But not Joe.

There's the booth. Come on. They'll have

to pull it from my cold dead

behind. Up next, The Beatles Right here

on Extreme Celebrity Death. Hey, you're

interrupting my broadcasting debut. OK,

Ted, let's have it. Do what now?

Don't play. Games with me, Ted. That

Beatles tape is one of the most important

fights of all time and we're not leaving

here without it and it better be rewound.

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you 2 Ding

dong's head back to anonymity where you

came from? But y'all ain't never getting

this tape or did you forget what you're

messing with?There you

are. Boy howdy, now there's some paint

cans. Sick, Amanda. Got it. Let's get

out of here.

Also hard out.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch,

ladies and gentlemen. But once in a

lifetime do we witness an entertainment

event so profound that it threatens to

alter the very course of history tonight?

We have such an event.

Nick, let's go. Hang on. Where's the play

button? Wait, here we go.

OK children of Aquarius, it's time for

another cosmic happening We'll try not to

harsh on your realm as we bring you

by extremely popular demand, the Beatle.

This flight has been a long time coming.

Everyone knows about the ugliness that

went down recording let it be Since then

the. Grand drifted apart, and they've

never had the occasion to vent the anger

that's built up over the years until now.

So mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the

baddest beetle of all? Let's see if they

can work it out in a little something

we call a hard day's fight in this

corner. Sick of playing third fiddle

behind. Paul and John George Harrison,

and in this corner, the one

most likely to make paid celebrity

endorsements later in life. Ringo Starr.

In the far corner, the one

that looks like a girl. Paul

McCartney. And finally, the genius. The

Eggman, the Witty 1. John

Lennon.

Boy, I don't mind your music, but I like

you more if you hadn't stolen your famous

hairstyle from me. Let's get it on.

We call them the funny one, but there's

nothing humorous about the damage Ringo

is doing to Georgia's,

You're doing it all wrong. You 2 Can

Paste was never the control freak,

letting his taking over for Ringo and

pummeling Harrison in Perfect 4 four

times.

Looks like I might need a little help

from my friends.

I'm sick of you hogging all the attention

just because I'm not conventionally

handsome. Incredible. It looks like Paul

may be dead. John. I know I'm not

the best drummer in the world, but I

thought we were friends. God will just

come together over me and my dead body.

I always like Pete. Best.

You've hurt me feelings. So will this

Oh, oh, look at not be dead

after all. I think he's here to

fix that loose floorboard. OK, Lennon,

where do you get off asking how

do I sleep? Or sleep fine and

you will too after this.

Silver Hammer comes down upon Ringo's

head, but one things for sure, he'll

never play a caveman and a movie. Thanks

mate, I was gonna do that.

Very. What did he just say? Sounds

like he was talking backwards or

something. Let's check the instant

reverse replay. I'll either revolve

there. Are you all even tell you

where? Out behind Abbey Road Studios. It

was great fun. Not

to knock the sea via out of

this bloody hippie. What? What did I

do? It's your fault our records got

so weird. You you travelling Wilbury man?

Harrison is out of it more so

than usual. Krishna's

going on. If I understand my hatha

yoga correctly, McCartney's hammer blow

must have inadvertently realigned

Harrison's chakras, causing him to reach

Kundalini. Beautiful man, I'll handle he

smoking. And I thought of that spiritual

crap was a load of ******** now

that I've reached the ultimate inner

peace. What should my first act of

divinity be? I know I'll put more

of my songs on the records. Not

bloody lightly.

Happy and Leonard are giving Person a

royal beating, more like a royalty

beating. They clearly don't want to give

up any precious album space. And George

Harrison makes his final trip across the

universe. You always

were a fan of symbolism. John

here. Ohh. You better run for

your life as you can because my solo

career is about to take off like your

frizzy head. Ohh.

Jean Grey.

What the hell is that amazing singing?

It's the voice of an Angel. It's

the sound of the heavens. It's Yoko.

I don't believe it. Yoko Ono's beautiful

singing voice has washed over these

fighters like some kind of spiritual

salve or perhaps an ointment. And it

looks like the w*r is over, at least

the one in the ring.

Whole. I'm sorry. No matter how much I

want to k*ll you, sometimes I have to

remember that the music always brings us

together, man. Thanks, brother. Now,

as a tribute to peace and

love, we'd like to play 40

or so never before heard Beatles

songs for you wonderful deathmatch fans.

Unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen, I

can't believe what I'm seeing. We

call this first song revolution #10A1A2.

Tonight on CBS, it's Jag Jag

action. Big Jag grills, big Jag

deal. What the What happened to

the tape? Oh, sh**t, don't tell

me you have the. Only copy of

this historic Beatles fight with all

these new songs and you recorded over it.

Tell me it's not true. Ohh. What can

I tell you Johnny? I'm a Jag maniac.

You're a Jag off. Sorry folks. I'll make

sure he pays for it for celebrity death

match. I'm Johnny Gomez and I'm a dead

man. Good fight, good

night. Ohh God.