04x14 - Nicky Jr.'s Birthday

[bunniefuu]

What happens when 2 musical geniuses

compose prequels for each other? Who will

survive when aging American icons go

felony throat to velvety throat? And how

will it end when 2 hot pin up

girls attempt to pin?Each other

all this tonight Don Celebrity

Deathmatch.

Good evening everybody. I'm Nick Diamond

and I'm Johnny Gomez. Have we got a

thrilling lineup for you tonight? If

there's anyone in the room with a heart

condition, push them up close to the. TV

and get a camera first up, these two

musicians have been k*lling themselves

trying to out cook each other on their

avant-garde CD's when Beck meets Bjork.

Then in our second bout 2 golden oysters

of American song 5 for that last elusive

slice of team credibility it's Willie

Nelson versus Tony Bennett and. Our

dramatic main event What started as a

cutting off hand remark has led to a

male fantasy deathmatch of epic

proportions. Tennis front Anna Kournikova

takes on Huddie Elizabeth Hurley What

about Tinky Winky? Mickey, how did you

get here? Mom just dropped me off. You

said the Teletubbies would fight the

power puff girls. And then Barney would

buy Pikachu from my How many times do I

have to tell you this Pokémon and those

power puff girls are animated. You've got

to learn the difference between cartoons

in real life. What did you promise? Well,

that promise was a lie anyway. Isn't it

your mother's night to deal with you? You

forgot, didn't you?You said I could

come tonight and the Teletubbies would

fight for my for my birthday.

Your birthday. Ohh. Right. Ohh. No,

I didn't forget your birthday, Nikki

Junior. I've got a whole big

party plan. Really. Yeah. Ohh, boy.

Ohh, boy. Ohh boy. Ohh. Sure.

And it starts with Beck and

York. Sort

of back and forth. These two sensitive

hipsters have blown through and

reinvented just about every musical genre

in the book. But there's just not

enough room in the CD rack under

B for two eccentric nut jobs. They're

tired. Tired of competing over who's the

most mysterious. On the loop, Who can

sing in the most obnoxious nasal wine?

But most of all, they're tired of each

other. And because their work is

considered groundbreaking, we've decided

to let them each fight with a

groundbreaking instrument. Slacker artist

Beck has chosen a portable

state-of-the-art combination, 2

turntables and a microphone.

But Princess actress Bjork has

chosen a top flight 5000

gigahertz ultra sampling synthesizer.

So sit back for the battle to be

the best monosyllabic musical genius of

all time. Did I get that right? close

enough. OK, beep, boop. Whatever your

names are, I want you, kid, to play

nice and make deadly music together. Now

let's get it on. First

of all, I'm sick of getting your mail.

Bjork. Can't the people at the post

office. Reed, You know I've been getting

Neil Diamonds mail for years. Love

letters, divorce papers, pictures of his

mom, likes. What is that noise? There is

actually scratching copies of York's

albums. Music

that's about all this trash of

yours is good for weirdo. Keyboard

packs a wallop. Yeah, yeah. Ohh.

Neato. I'm York. I'm a singer.

No, wait, I'm an actress. No,

wait. I hate movies. Hey, I'm

talking to you.

Keyboard has blown one of their

cheer drums now. Ohh so quiet

Oh my God I'm hearing in

mono. Is it cool or weird?

Looks like you're just planning to

use that cheap orders of battering

ram.

That instrument effects is really where

it's at. And here's another move I read

about in Spin magazine.

Astonished that you scratching your ear

like 1 mic to a puppy or

kitten but in a mean way.

Wow, how about I

sample you?

Talk about your strange musical taste.

Stop eating my brain, you little freak.

I didn't think a slacker like you

would be using it.

And by the way, everyone listened

to me, my name is pronounced

be yours. Becky has been rendered

totally deaf.

Ohh, not what Beck wanted

to hear. Ohh, he didn't

see that coming either.

Now you're the dancer in the

dark. It's come

down to hand to hand combat, Johnny. It's

anybody's fight. Then Nick and Nick. What

do you say, Nick? Is it time to kick this

fight up a notch? Let's do it.

What is that, folks? When we

said Battle of the best monosyllabic

musical geniuses of all time, we

meant it. Ladies and gentlemen, Garrett

from 1730 AD, please welcome to

the ring back.

This guy is really ready to rumble, and

it looks like he's brought his own

groundbreaking instrument with him from

the past. What is that? It seems to

be a plow. Mishima.

Mr. Back, it is such a pleasure to

make you transcend Duncan in the end.

And George, I mean jerk,

is out. Whoa, dude, chill

out.

Correct.

That is really in trouble now.

Look at this Park is

playing his timeless classic Hey

Sue Joy of Man's desiring

on Beck's head. You are

a loser baby, so fine,

don't I lazy.

You're the winner. Tight

checking years out of club urban

and statistics and.

You're like that Nikki. You did forget my

birthday. You said the Teletubbies in

Powerpuff Girls would ohk crying in the

night. I can't remember your stupid

birthday every single year. And what are

you doing watching the Teletubbies

anyway? That show is for idiots. Ohh

great. You made him cry, Johnny. We'll

be right back after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch,

where we're celebrating Nikki Junior's

birthday. What's all this stuff in my

party head, Dad? What? Ohh. Yeah, well,

those are party. Favors. Here we go.

Hey, that looks great. When do I

get to open my presents? Presents. Ohh.

Presents come at the end of the

party. No, I want my presence. No,

no, no. Well, how about a peek

inside the ladies locker room? OK, I

guess let's go live. Correspondent Debbie

Matenopoulos standing by with one of our

main event fighters. Thanks Johnny. I'm

here with Elizabeth Hurley, known for her

in-depth chameleon light performances and

award-winning films. She is truly one of

today's premier dramatic actresses. Thank

you Debbie, I just hope my work in

important honest films like Bedazzled and

Passenger. 57 inspired other dramatic

actresses. And would

you like a piece of pizza? No thanks. But

tell me, how did this rivalry between you

and Anna Kournikova get started? Well,

after a charity event at Buckingham

Palace, the Little Trollope told a

reporter I was ugly. Of course. She's

just jealous of my uncanny ability to

portray strength and weakness

simultaneously. Now, if you'll excuse

me, I think it's time for me to get

dressed. Ohh, 10 minutes, Miss Hurley.

Dad, that present made me feel different.

Put your hat back on, birthday boy. And

now it's time to dive right into our next

big fight. Willie Nelson and Tony

Bennett, American song masters from

yesteryear. But it's not easy for these

older guys. Stay afloat. They're fighting

to beat each other in the ring

and in the eyes of that elusive

young adult demographic. Let's go down to

the ring. Here he is direct from

Farm at the Kennedy Center Honors and

the Road Willie Nelson, and from MTV

Unplugged and VH1 Tony Bennett. Hey

there, kids. I'm so glad you could all

pop over. Why don't you help me say hello

to my dear old friend, Mr. Mills Lane.

I'm no friend of yours. I'm a Willy fan.

Here you go. Really. A little something

for the IRS because they're too old to

handle anything other than microphones.

These two seniors are going to fight to

the death with their. Bare hands. I want

a good, clean fight. Typically, this is

the place in the show without might offer

a funny quip or absurd remark. But I'm

not feeling funny today, so you'll have

to settle for this. My signature catch

phrase. Let's get it on.

Wow, that really is a fair hand

from a real bear. But look how

Bennett is back. Let me show you

a little move written by my dear

old friend Johnny Mercer. It's called Fly

you to the Moon. Take that, you

yellow. Bennett has sent Nelson out

of the room. And

what's with the big tails? This Pippi

Longstocking look went out years ago when

I was 60. Things aren't looking so good

for Willie Nelson. What a wonderful,

gorgeous night. I'm so glad you could all

come by to witness me kicking the

daylights out of this beautiful old

cowboy and lookout Tony. This could get

grizzly. You're just. Poor man's Frank

Sinatra, and you know it. Nelson is

using those very unsterile bear claws to

perform some unscheduled surgery on

Bennett. Where the hell is your heart?

Haven't you heard? I left it in

San Francisco. I did,

it's true. San Francisco Memorial

Hospital. I got a pacemaker now.

You're not even the poor man's Frank

Sinatra. You're the poor man's Frank

Sinatra Junior. At least I'm on MTV.

Who? Old hippie?

Thrown himself out of the ring. He's gone

from unplugged to unconscious. I'm the

real deal. You're just a giant walking

publicity stunt. I'll have you know I

paid a lot of money for this career

resurgence.

And now that I'm back, I'm not going

anywhere. The kids, they love me.

That's bull. Kids love me more. I'm

cool, you cool. That's not cool kids,

that's just dirty. This verbal one up

manship is getting ugly. Cool is my

middle name. Cool and smooth. Cool,

smooth and good times. Why I taught

Bob Hope's sister to shake a martini.

Huh. I parted on the roof of the White

House. I had an affair with Eleanor

Roosevelt. I keep alive snake in my pants

at all times. I gambled away one of my

kids in Vegas. What's the

matter, friends? It was cool. It was.

Tony Bennett may have taken this one step

too far. Your numbers. Ohh, Bennett.

That's it. I'm not gonna

let her like you ruin

my golden years. Look at

this. Nick is enraged and

seems to have gained the

upper hand. He's giving Nelson

a real thrashing. Willie Nelson

save himself. Baby all over,

Johnny. Well, Mr. Bennett, I guess

it's come to this. What's going

on here? Willie Nelson is removing

his signature red bandana. I've never

seen him without it.

What the hell? Ohh.

I guess Willie Nelson is the winner.

Ohh we'll be back after this.

Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch.

It's time now, for this isn't a birthday

party. It's just like all those other

crummy death matches. Daddy, you don't

love me now. Of course your dad loves

you. We're just very busy. Me

too, Uncle Johnny. Of course I do. Then

where's my prison? Oh. Oh, right. Ohh,

Here you go. Ohh boy, ohh boy. This

will be great when I learn how to

tell time. I love you, Uncle Johnny. Hey,

Nikki, how about another clip from the

ladies locker room?Yes.

Ohh. Come on. You'll like this one. I had

the guys in the editing room tweak it a

little for my I, I mean, for your

personal enjoyment. OK, Run it, guys. I'm

here with Anna Kournikova. Anna, the

world wants to know, did you really call

Elizabeth Hurley ugly? Yes, I called her

ugly. But I should have called her a pig.

I should have called her. Hideous,

squarely Momo face. I hate her.

I hate her like wow don't

space out. Rub this cream all

over my body now.

What do you think of that, pal? Ohh, they

have the same thing in Jeffrey's party.

They did. And now it's time for our

dazzling main event. 11 slash actress

Elizabeth Hurley versus model slash

tennis player Anna Kournikova. As you can

see, the fighters are being escorted to

the ring by security. The smells of

Clarissa and testosterone are very strong

here in the ring tonight. Listen to

that crowd, Nick.

Dallas baby.

Folks, we understand that a mere grudge

between celebrities might not be enough

excitement for you. We know you want

more. So we figured what could be

more horrifying than putting these icy,

pampered princesses in direct contact

with their adolescent fans? That's why

tonight we crammed two dozen horning and

repressed. 12 year old boys and

a small dark space under the

ring. The head of Huberty. Our

advice to the fighters? Stay the

hell away. Alright Hurley Cornucopia. I

want a good clean fight.

Your face is so hideous I can't know what

are you talking about. I should be making

stop looking at me.

I've had just about enough

so ugly and corner cover

attacks. You won't see this

at Wimbledon, folks. My nose,

my chin, my Estee Lauder

contract. Why you won't even

scarier someone. I'll

make you pay for this, you Robbie.

Little Russian immigrant. No, no, please

click the disgusting. Go away. I can't

look out. The snobby tennis star has

taken one step too close to the

pit of puberty.

No, not this dirty boy. Hands on

Anna's leg. It is not allowed. Right

where I want you.

Apparently is wailing on political

mistake. Now let's see if we

can't do something about that whiny

little voice out. Curly is using

those oversized safety pins in a

very unsafe manner. Much better look

out early. Both

fighters are left in the swimming grip

of the Pit of Purity. Let's go.

Where you belong, the evil union

Buster on the floor. Shut it

All the Internet polls say I'm

most clickable, but you're the most

capable. Be ridiculous. I'm 10 times

more pickable, Johnny. I'd solve my

own arm to click either one

of them.

Ohh my ohh. That's it. I'm going

to finish this once and for all.

How about a taste of your own

medicine? Wow. And excellent Sir. The

score is I love early.

Now you look just like your little

hockey player boyfriend. Look goodness to

me. The tiny tennis Princess, the

prettiest girl in the car, and you're

also out of bounds. What?

This may be the end of Anna Kournikova.

Last quarter, Cova into the dreaded

pitted Huberty.

Who's there? Hello.

Umm.

That's going on down there, Johnny.

It's sounds like those Randy teams

are ripping corner come into pieces

and Elizabeth Hurley is delighted.

What's happening, Mr. Lane? Get these

boys off me. Get again early.

The line. She must have ripped those

boys to pieces. Ohh men are powerless

over me.

Help me, please help you.

I don't love him.

You might not be a tennis champion,

but she's definitely a champion in the

deathmatch ring. Anaconda covering the

winner. Ohh, I need a shower. I'm

covered in dead boy. Well, I guess

that about wraps it up folks. For

Celebrity deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez

saying good fight. What about my

presence? I'm sorry Nikki, but the truth

is I I don't have any present for you.

Your dad was lying. Ohh, dad. But son, I

want you to know that I love you more

than anything in this big wide world and

that as long as you live, I'll always be

in your corner and I will always be

there. To help you through life

Deathmatch. I love you, daddy. Now let's

go get you a tattoo. Hey?

Good fight, good night.