04x15 - Salute to Laughter II

[bunniefuu]

Which comedian will have the most k*ller

material? Which Silence Green star will

be silenced forever and which Saturday

Night Live funny man won't live to

see another Saturday night? Find out

tonight only. Celebrity

Deathmatch.

Hello everybody, I'm Johnny Gomez and

I'm Nick Diamond. And welcome to

another side splitting and head splitting

edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. Yes

folks, it's our. Second ever salute to

comedy, otherwise known as Death Comedy

Jam Part 2. Another evening of brutally

broken funny bones. And tonight we're

joined by a very special guest

commentator. What are you talking about,

Nick? I'm working up a little comedy

act myself. Hey, meet my new partner.

His name is. Tommy, say hello to

the nice people, dummy, Hello to the

nice people. A

good ohh. Good Lord, get that cheap

hunk of wood off the desk. Yeah,

everyone who's delivery is wooden Gomez.

Hey, good one, dummy. First up quickly

Cookie sitcom starred Jenna Elfman tries

to exert some deadly flower power against

violently verbose comedian Kathy Griffin.

Next up. And historic battle from the

Bolt as Buster Keaton tries to bust a

move on his number one rival Charlie

Chaplin. Then watch as legendary SNL alum

Bill Murray tries to stick it to feisty

young upstart Chris Kattan. Why don't we

let Dummy tell the nice people about our

fighters?

Man, Patience Gomez, Only 35 years

to retirement. I think I'll tell

the nice people about the fighters.

Get your earplugs, folks, because we've

got 2 supremely annoying women. Just

how irritating are they?Let's answer

that with death matches patented an oil

meter. Jenna Elfman. She's painfully

spunky and unbearably effervescent as a

tattoo on her ankle that's a symbol

for purity and in addition to annoying

us on TV, has annoyed us on

the big screen with Krippendorf's tribe.

Kathy Griffin has voiced that makes dogs

howl, wears clothes that reveal things

that shouldn't be revealed. In addition

to her annoying us on TV has

annoyed us on the big screen with

its packed the movie. Wow, that's just

too close to call Johnny. Let's get

it on. OK, I want to start off

the fight with a one woman show called

I'm gonna Kick Jenna Elfman's *****. Hey,

so have you guys seen Dharma and Greg? I

was watching it last night and I was

eating some of those new potato chips

with Olestra. Yeah, and my asss just

started leaking. That's what those chips

do at you. I was leaking all over the

place, on the couch, on the floor, on the

interrupt. But like. I charted your

horoscope today and it predicted a

violent and for you and your leaky *****.

Or what are you gonna do? That's all.

I can stands and I can't stands no

more. You think? What the hell is Mills

Lane doing down there? Leaking all? What

are you doing? That's like disgust. An

unprecedented boom. He has literally put

a sock in it. Make that 2 socks

make. And I think we've learned a little

something about Mills Lane tonight. This

has some incredible fights so far. What

do you think dummy? Dummy. I think Nick's

talking to you, Mr. Gomez.

Five years now, sucking

it to it.

Hey by the way guys don't look hot.

Can you believe I cut my own hair?

Ohh. Also I'm really proud my parents are

here. Say hi mom and dad. Guys that

is so embarrassing. Chatty Cathy you need

to chill out. Try these love beads. Looks

like Jenna Elfman has waited the prop

shop at Dahmer and Greg. That's some

****** karma in the ring.

And feel the aura from these healing

crystals. Ohh. Hey, Jenna. OK, All right.

You know what's so funny? Your name

Jenna. And that girl on Survivor was

also named Jenna. And you're both Stanks.

Isn't it funny? Oh. Oh my God.

That was so rude. Though I do

admire your moxie. Who else has moxie

Brooke Shields? She happens to be a

personal friend of mine. We share

tampons. Brooke. Ohh. Brooke. If it isn't

the lovely Brooke Shields. Brooke, I am

so glad you're here. What took you so

long? Were you like getting a coffee

enema? Those things are amazing. Hello,

Starbucks. What enema? Chino, please. No

help from Brookfield, seems even Cathy's

best friends find her painfully annoying.

And Kathy Griffin is suddenly oozing.

That was so rude. So anyway, Jenna, if

you promise not to k*ll me, I'll tell

you who wins Survivor 4. We're about to

get some inside info from the host of

Kathy. So-called reality.

I didn't hear who's the winner. It was

a trick. Kathy just wanted to chew her

ear off. Ohh Kathy, you look so stressed.

You know what? I find all these really

centers me a good massage.

Let's say we start with some Swedish

massage. Ohh, God. Then we woke up to

some deep tissue massage. See, here's the

source of your tension. Look at these

nuts. Oh, that does feel kind of good.

You know what, It reminds me of the time

I got a rub down from three of the

five Backstreet Boys in their hot tub.

I'm telling you, my ******* were like

Tootsie rolls. A

Savage League creative use of the

Immunity Idol. The tribe of Kathy Griffin

has spoken. Not bad enough I had to

pleasure Jeff proves to get my hands on

this thing. Ohh, I'd like

to go Jenna out of the ring because for

one thing, she smells like yeast.

She's got legs and she knows how to use

them. Kathy, I think your gain is out of

line with your Yang. Never have the

ancient symbols of opposing life forces

been used to take so much. Kathy has yins

and yangs coming out the yin Yang. So

anyway, as I was saying, it was moist

and. Three of the Backstreet Boys. That's



And I suppose they're big fans of News

Radio, huh? No radio. That's not me.

That's Vicky Lewis. You host bad. I'm

going to hurt you for that.

Is Kathy Griffin doing with that

incredible time of her?

Kathy Griffin has just revealed her

secret weapon. You said it, Johnny. She's

a motor mouth. Literally.

Now that's what I call genocide.

I don't have to like it. The Cats are

Different is the winner. What a ferocious

finale to a spectacular fight. Kathy

Griffin is officially the most annoying

woman on TV. How do you like the

celebrity themed mayhem dummy? I haven't

had this much fun since I was a little

twig.

Johnny, my hand itches. I think I'm

getting a wood rash. We'll take the damn

thing off. We'll be back with more

violence after these messages.

Welcome back folks. I think my dumbest

stuck Johnny. My hand itches bad. Get

ahold of yourself, man.

Stop. Did you

say something? Yeah. That's it. Keep it

up and you'll be sipping your food

through a straw in your *****. Hey, that

was pretty good, Nick. No, I didn't say

it. That wasn't me. I wonder who it

could have been. Shut down, Johnny. I'm

scared. Well, we've got

a special treat for you history buffs out

there. After those two loudmouthed ladies

in our first bouts, we knew we'd all be

in the mood for some blissful silence. So

here, without further ado, is a legendary

battle from the Vault. Roll them.

Umm.

Welcome ladies and gents to Celebrity

Death Match. So how has your 1928

been so far, Nick? Splendid, Johnny. I

just put all my money in the

stock market. They say that it'll just

keep going. Up, up, up.

Look at the luminaries in the arena

tonight. Hey, there's comedian Fatty

Arbuckle. That wholesome character has

got a long career ahead of him. Say,

Johnny, who is the greatest silent film

funny man in Hollywood land, Charlie

Chaplin or Buster Keaton? Good question.

Let us go to the ring for a

fight. We're calling. But very

deadly. In the black corner, the

star of City Lights, The Little

tr*mp with a big chip on

his shoulder. Charlie Chaplin. In the

white corner, the star of the

General. The most fearsome man in

flickers Buster. Speak to him.

No wonder they called Buster Keaton the

great stone face. Thank you.

Umm.







Really.

He gets Nick help me, Johnny, of

course, in a minute.

And Keaton has taken control of

this fight. Johnny in a second.

He willakers Chaplin seems to be

in a bit of a bug.

Yes, our splendid move the train

from Keaton's masterpiece, The General.

This might be the end for our hero.

Rolls out of the way way.

And Buster Keaton wins, pulling a

victory out of nowhere. Can you

please rescue me now? Ohh, right.

Ohh, what a fight.

Muted but still full

of mutilation. Johnny, I'm

freaking out here. I

think this is one

of those scary movie

dummies that's really alive.

Plus. My hand is still

itching. Ohh poor baby's hand itches.

Ohh. Imagine having a giant fist

up your *****.

Welcome back to Selerity Deathmatch. Yes,

welcome back, Michael. Wonder where your

mother was last night? Watch Just

say I was sporting some serious

one. Let's

get to the fight live from the

Death Match Arena. It's Slaughter Day

Night Live Part 2. We've got old

timer Bill Murray squaring off against

current favorite Chris Kattan. Let's go

to the Ring Does match nothing but

Death Match Murray has kicked things off

with his sleazy loud singer. Director

from 1978. Hello everybody, I'm Nick

Winters and I'm here to bust

some assets. So sit back, have

a hot buttered rum and enjoy

the coverage. Here's a naughty little

number just for you, Miss Catan.

Ohh, that's the way.

Ohh, that's the way I kick your *****.

Ohh I'd like it. I heard about

that sketch from my grandfather. Here's a

nightlife sketch from this century. What

is love?Food

counter move. Catan unleashes

his Roxbury board. Ohh

God take your chance.

You know what time

it is. It's time

for Noogie.

Well, if it isn't hard dinner. One of

the most beloved characters of late 70s

SNL. Look who

came to the party. It's the delightfully

dangerous Mr. Peeper. I can't wait to see

Mr. Peepers. The motion picture. You

know, over here, monkey boy. I'm gonna

play the noogie in your *****.

Noted golf enthusiasts. Murray has

brought his clubs. Dude. Don't be a

little ferment, Murray. He's off with

Carl Spackler, the unhinged groundskeeper

from Caddyshack. This crowd has grown

deadly silent. A Cinderella story out of

nowhere. Former greenskeeper about to

become the death match champion.

You gotta fight back on superior

firepower and superior televisions

realignment. Go Here I am, Billy.

Unbelievable. It looks like the

mysterious Mango has made his presence

known. Come to Mango and I would

spank your old saggy buttocks. Mango.

It's like a drunk. You must have

more and more of the. Mango until

there is no mango left. Not even

for mango. See, you

have been mesmerized by the mysterious

and alluring Mango. No, I just can't

believe this crap passes for sketch

comedy. This is gonna

hurt you more than it hurts me.

Is it?

Maybe you need a little bit.

Looks like Phil Murray's launching an

offensive with the one and only John

Winger from Stripes.

What the heck is it? It just

contained fella finished. There's the

fact that so fast all timer. Whoa,

Kolkata and the comeback kid. You're not

the only one with a lot of

characters, Mary. I got some others up

my sleeve. Ohh, Like what? Well.

There's always the Roxbury

boy.

Ordered sucked the first time son. Ohh.

Would you my 137 characters should I

choose next? How about Ernie McCracken?

Is there no end to this man's

filmography? He's called upon the

underrated kingpin for inspiration.

They're the who's on this thing? Ohh,

there they are.

Striker. Rookie.

Leave my eyes. The ghost of Chris Kattan

has come back to haunt and k*ll Bill

Murray. Lucky I didn't show this stuff to

Planet Hollywood. Ohh. Nick, who you

gonna call?Wow, answer

him Ghostbusters. Even a called

Ghostbusters.

You are so busted. Hey come on, you

wouldn't k*ll a harmless little dead man,

would you?

Better check the warranty on that old

hunk of crap.

He's telling me.

What does Sam here?

Better check the warranty on that old

hunk of crap.

Ohh.

Damn it, I've been slammed again.

With the hose going on, it's like Deja vu

all over again. Wait a second. I think

we're caught in a time loop like in

Groundhog Day. Hey, come on. You wouldn't

k*ll a harmless little dead man, would

you? I know this.

Not this time, junior.

I see the problem here.

Today by 5 plus buckets.

OK, I saw I kicked the

dance and the winner is Bill

Murray. Ohh, what a fight. 2

generations, 2 spiritual dimensions, one

brutal death. I can't take it

anymore. Johnny I. Gotta get

him off. What do you think

you're doing, schmackos? Off your own

freaking? I said Saw off your

arm.

Nick, I have a little confession to

make. Before I entered a career in

broadcasting, I was a ventriloquist. See,

I'm throwing my voice right now. Ohh.

Well, I have to admit, you had

me going. Yeah, I was pretty popular

in my day, and the ladies loved

it. How they loved it, huh? Well, you're

still a dummy to me, Gomez.

Call you a dummy. Hey, you

really are good, Johnny. Actually, that

wasn't me.

Good fight, good night.