04x16 - Mills' Memory Lane

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, we'll take a walk down

Mills memory lane on a very

special episode of Celebrity Deathmatch.

Good evening, everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez,

and tonight we honor the most beloved

figure in professional sports

entertainment, a man who overcame A

debilitating struggle against baldness.

He went on to officiate. The most

exciting show on basic cable. He's a

great man, a great referee, a Great

American, and this is his story.

Hi, I'm Elaine. You might know me from

the TV show, maybe referring a few fights

a while ago and Celebrity Deathmatch.

It's my home. Come on in, show youaround.

My boy Terry Collins. Boy. Remember

number one, son. All right, this

is Tommy. Because I'm getting

bigger than me. This is my lovely wife.

OK? This is our wedding picture. We've

been married 21 years and he really is a

wonderful man. And you don't have to have

the same interests. All of those books

over there are my How to Try, How to

Find your True Inner Self and my Angel.

Collection and then you have his Marines

and his boxing books and we've been

married 21 years. Well, I keep a list of

what I gotta do so something to DIRECTV

that I got the you guys to hear all day.

Then I gotta go to Indiana for the belt

fights at the Belterra. He only listens

to country and western.

And I gave a talk in Las Vegas for the

FBI. Then I go for ESPN 2 minute drill in

New York. The real story behind having

you guys come to the house is a nightmare

for me because I can't keep the house

clean with these two boys in the dog.

There's big things of bird poop. In the

window, there's dog diarrhea in the

sandbox and I really hope you don't go

upstairs. Then I go to Las Vegas for some

damn society. I'm not sure what that is.

Here's the bow tie, which I retired. He's

not he's not the most fashionable guy.

Here's the old style shoe. You got to

look at these. Look at they got they got

the zipper. On the shield.

That beer, we got orange juice, we got

eggs, got my wine. You know the normal

stuff that's in the fridge? Veggies.

That's normal stuff. Normal fish stuff.

All this food talk remind me of the

most delicious thing ever with Emerald

Lagasse versus the 2 Fat Ladies. What I

go ***** ** your dribble bibs, folks.

Scores. You're about to witness death

matches cook off of carnage cables.

Hottest chefs are going to serve up a

cutthroat cooking competition, and here

come our food fighters. From

Massachusetts by way of Nawlins, the

Ragin Cajun Emerald Lagasse, who's the

host of the top rated cooking show

on the Food Network, and he's on

a crusade to pulverize some hot

competition from across the pond. Yes,

direct from the United Kingdom, it's the

two fat ladies. These heavyweight

contenders have got a huge cult following

and their fan base is growing as fast

as their waistlines, but they crave

Lagasse's ratings more than an 18 inch

kielbasa. Sure looks like there's mayhem

on the menu and is always Mills Lane

will be rendering the verdict against fat

ladies. Here's the deal. Which make your

favorite recipe? I'll taste them and

decide which creation is superior. Now

let's get cooking. Hey food fans, is

everybody hungry?I thought

we start out with some horse derves. How

about some delicious finger sandwiches?

Give me a hand ball.

Now the important thing to remember about

finger sandwiches is the ingredients

should always be fresh.

Ohh wow Nick, it's turning into quite a

callous cook off. If this is a taste of

things to come, we're in for a hell of

a match. Emeralds are gourmet with an

emphasis on gore. Matt, you got to chop

up a cuke. Be careful kids knives, the

shop and that students will happen. We

wouldn't want anyone to get. Hurt now

would we?I don't know about

you, Johnny, but my mouth is watering.

And while our food fans

are classy Canopy ohh, I'd

like one tiny funny dad

mill. Sampling the first fruits

of this fight needs some.

Next, that's Mr. Ledward. Prefer

our little concoction?

Tell the viewers about this tasty

treat. Gladly, it's similar to an

eggnog. Except we call

it a legno. Wow, that is

one true c*ck. Boy, are my

taste buds tingling. Mills is 1.

Lucky man. Nick, you're drooling on

my suit. Umm,

nice and frothy now a

dab of heavy cream. None

of this low fat yogurt

nonsense, Jenny. You

didn't see that?

Folks, you may want to jot this

recipe down. It's perfect for any holiday

gathering. And to top it off, we

need some nutmeg. Nutmeg. Good thought.

I'll crush some myself.

Good. Yeah, here it is. Sprinkle,

sprinkle right here. Time receipt. Once

again, Mills Lanes discriminating palette

will decide the verdict.

Need 5 check? Those fat ladies will have

to do better than that to win this

cook off. Nice

try ladies. Let me show you how it's

done. First, let me kick your fat asss

up a notch. Bam.

OK, I'm going to make a

delectable delicacy, a dish from your

native England kidney pie.

When you get out, my handy dandy

kidney cutter cuts through fat like

butter. Somebody better get a dialysis

machine in here, stat.

Nepali. I haven't had that since I was

a little fat girl. Ohh, sorry dear. A

few onions, about 40 cloves of garlic.

Potatoes, darling. Hey, you don't like

it, go back where you came from.

And put in a lot of extra spicy essence

to kick it up. The match is unknown.

Now normally this will go in the oven

for 45 minutes. Since

we don't have time, I gotta finish

kidney pie right here. That makes me

happy, happy. And we're all seeing

satisfying. But what will Mills think of

the kidney pie?

Easter basket. Ohh, this audio tongue

now. Clarissa, what say we under

our final calls?

Skills Prepare your palette for

a culinary delight extraordinaire.

First take one every to chef, then

take 3 quarts of lard. Some people

use bread crumbs but I just love

that.

That is that you didn't see that.

Oh, oh, Oh yeah, Emeril's getting the

stuffing knocked out of him. I think you

mean into him.

This recipe also requires one can of

whoop parts. You're doing it all wrong.

First you got to simmer the whoop

***** till it kind of reduces. Ohh

man I almost forgot 1 cup of

shut the hell up. Now we place

our delicious dish in the oven.

Three hours at 400°. But since we

don't have the time to wait, we've

got a finished one ready to eat.

A succulent rump roast of emerald.

Unprecedented Johnny. I think we can say

that Emeril Lagasse's goose has been

cooked. Now it's all up to the

most discriminating taste buds and. Death

match business Mr. Mills Lane

needs absolutely nothing say magnifique

and exquisite blending of blood

and guts. The winners are

the 2 fat ladies.

Now where's the catcher?

The big bag. We

use this right, We have to tape it up

quite a bit. Fixes everything with tape.

We had a broken window and it's taped our

door, front door, it's taped and things

taped. The gloves were both worn out at

the tape from a couple of times because I

wore him out. He's he's very loving.

Is affectionate.

Umm. Yeah, he he's a

good dad. He gets on my boat when I mess

up, though.

So you stand up your boy, we watch Fresh

Prince of Bel Air and that's one show I

didn't think he would find funny. But he

he's I've never seen him laugh harder at

some stuff. So it's alright when he

throws them out. Yeah, yeah, that's

that's pretty good. But I think, I think

the show is well, well scripted anyway.

Sure.

How do you like this for a punchline?

Funny girl Ellen is on the roof.

Takes down Mills lane time off. Nobody

move my eyebrow. Allow what's going on.

Somebody helped me find my damn eye.

Unbelievable. I apologize folks, but

there's going to be a slight delay

while they look for a Mills's glass

eye.

When I'm not doing celebrity death match,

here's where I practice law. Come on in.

And here's the, you know, the Xerox thing

and all the supplies and stuff like that.

And he is where I hold what I do,

whatever I do, which in the heck of a

lot. This picture right here is myself.

Now with boxing professionally when I was

in college live here is the right after

the Tyson bit Holyfield and his matter of

fact, as you can see a little bit out

of position and I didn't realize he'd

actually admit him until I saw the I saw

the the tear and the act of the ear

was off and matter of fact. Later on, I

asked Evander Holyfield. When I saw him,

I said, Evan, are you going to get the

plastic surgery? And then he said, heck

no. They called me the real meal.

The holy man from Atlanta?

The world heavyweight champion Evander.

The real deal? Holyfield.

And his opponent, the former heavyweight

champion and ex president of the

Indiana State Prison. Brooklyn's favorite

ahead? Iron Mike Tyson.

OK you 2 This is the celebrity death

match. We don't have no fancy Commission

and we ain't got no rules, so let's get

it on. Tribute.

Autograph. Sure, let me get a pen.

Feels Achilles heel

as a deathmatch

competitor. He's too

trusting. Why 278910?

Champion. I'm the world champion. That's

it. Frankly, I really expected this one

to go a little longer. Nick Not

the sense of closure we were looking

for. Johnny I'm a vendor. Holyfield and

I'm stupid. From Mike

Tyson Nick's words, the most dangerous

weapon of all. Looks like we're taking

this one on the road, just like the

old days. Hey Johnny.

Give me back my belt.

You're cheating, coward. Good rear

end collision by Mike Tyson.

Lookout.

Tyson has just sent them both

dumpster diving. The bottle

should never have been in there. That's

a recyclable. Gotta think globally and

act locally. Our world is our most

precious resource. Power to the people,

Johnny. Hey, Evanda, you

sneaky with Clayton?

Ohh, it's gonna take more than

a boot to the head to

stop Evander Holyfield.

My bedroom, honey. They're from the

Deadpool defender Holyfield got the heart

of a warrior and the bedpost of

a total stranger.

What's Tyson doing now?

Hey, Evanda, it's for

you. Hello. Hello.

No Tyson size, you've always got

an emergency exit.

Ohh, what a move. I guess Tyson

likes Holyfield shaken, not stirred.

Arabic Nick, you know I haven't been

with a woman for three years.

Amanda, look, you have

TV say hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Oh my God, that's a $5000 video camera.

But I mean, you look at life from there

for kid gets hit fan and rocks straight

back his neck muscle neck, his firm he's

OK, but he could get hit in his in his

in his head against the wobble around and

he loses control of his neck muscles in

real trouble. That's boom boom Mancini

and I took him to the. Wanted to have the

doctor look at his eye. He was cut pretty

good. You might play golf, tennis,

whatever. I don't play golf. I play

holdem poker. I'm not good enough yet,

but one of these days I want to play in

the World Series of Poker. I held in my

lifetime I've held 3 Royal and that was a

royal flush I held in a six cards game at

the Nugget. That's when I refereed the

Holy. You know, he fought Riddick Bowl

and some lawyer sent me that from Las

Vegas and and the lawyer wrote me a

letter and said the caption should read.

The caption should read the.

And cell phones turned the son of a bich

off. Let's get it on. I first used that

in the Holmes Cooney fight in 82. Let's

get it, let's get it on. Let's get it

on. Let's get it on. Let's get it, Let's

get it on. Commencer La Violencia. Let's

get it. Let's get it. Let's get it, let's

get it on. Let's go ahead and get it on.

You can say shake hands. Good luck. Go

back to your corner. I'm just gonna say

let's get it on now. Said that and it's

dark. We even have a phone that says

let's get it on. Here's a thing that

holds our rubber bands that say let's get

it on now let's get it on. But the one,

the lot of the kids like it. I'll allow

it. To allow it. They love

it. Allow it. Allow it, allow

it, allow it. I don't know.

It beats me. Ohh,

I'll definitely allow it. We sure have

had some fun here on the show. But the

best time I ever had when that old Tuffy

Judge Judy wanted a piece of it. What the

hell was she thinking? All rise for the

honorable Mills Lane. OK, now I read your

complaint and I write people, let's get

this cord and. My goodness, Judge, who

does this woman think she is? She's no

better than me. Where's her Emmy, anyway?

And what is that? She's wearing a moo.

Moo. Shut up, you floozy. I can't wait to

throw the book at you. Hold on, now,

Judge Judy. This is my court, and I'll

start the proceedings here. Here, your

little hussie. I'll swear you in.

Yes, surprise attack from Judge Judy

catches Susan Lucci off guard. She may be

in trouble, Nick.

Case dismissed. I find for me the

plaintiff, Susan Lucci is out and Judge

Judy wins this fight. She can't be out.

The fight just started. We've got airtime

to fill. Well, wait a second, Johnny.

Maybe she's not dead. Maybe that's her

evil twin and they're real. Susan is

watching from the shadows. Ohh, wait.

Maybe she's in a coma and she'll snap out

of it just when her husband is about to

marry a rich oil heiress. Think she's

just dead, Nick? Yeah, I guess that could

be Judy. What are you, some kind of

psycho? You're supposed to wait till I

say get it on. I'll be the judge of that

and of this courtroom. You just stay out

of my way. Ohh. Yeah. Look at this, Judge

Judy is trying to take over Mills

jurisdiction. Ohh. I wouldn't go there if

I was her. That's it. Judy, I find you

in contempt of my pretend court. Which

normally would mean it's time for me to

kick your booty **** the hair out of my

ring. Lucky for you, I never hit a late

high. Bring it on, Popeye. OK, you asked

for it, but to make it fair, I'll

give myself a handicap disorder in the

court. These two are going to w*r over

Mills turf. Yes, this is blind. And now

so am I. OK, then, let's get it

on. Hey, that's my line. She's trying to

take over his courtroom locks. I can

catch phrase, but that's not the only

thing she's taking. Ohh, unbelievable

battering with the deathmatch flag. I

don't think that's permitted in this

ring. I'll allow it. Hey, that's my

line too. Few words,

and Judge Judy has taken almost all of

them. Mills made a huge mistake with the

blindfold. Johnny. I'm afraid he signed

his own death warrant so fast. Nick Mills

trained as a Marine in Southeast Asia.

His mysterious abilities could come in

handy. He's using his amazing powers of

concentration to hear, feel, and even

taste Judi's. Every move.

Finish the job. I can see you're not

exactly a lady k*ller Miss. I happened to

respect this flag. Besides, I prefer my



champ, Nick. He's got Judy on the ropes

now.

Man, this woman's got to add some steel.

Mills feels his way over to the bench.

He's got the scales of justice.

He leaves Judge Judy looking for a

recess. Look out now. Judy's got the

scales of justice, but Bills is just

too fast for her.

A shocking ending for sh**ting as Phil's

Lane retains control of this ring and the

winner is me. I used to call the the

black robe. I used to kid. I used to

call it my smart suit. See when I when

I put on the black robe, I became extra

smart. But actually it was not. True,

you're not anymore, not any smarter than

you were, but my Mercedes-Benz is paid

for, the mortgage is assumable, and my

herpes is a fever blister.

Right in the world. I had to go

back to work. Thanks for coming. Throwing

the inevitable word of that clay figure

with the bald head. Let's get it on.

Yes. OK, so, you know, it's a television

show, you know, big star bling, bling,

everything. He has a Subaru. It's a

good car, man. He's got himself and he

has Subaru. He's always wanted a Subaru.

All right.

Take care, be good, be careful.