04x17 - Fandemonium IV

[bunniefuu]

Turn the tuna crushed Colby again. Will

Susan really leave Kelly to the vultures

this time? And will somebody please just

punch Jerry in the neck for me? Tonight,



death. When it's all over.



Hello fight fans. I'm Johnny Gomez.

I'm Nick Diamond, and this is

Celebrity Deathmatch Pandemonium, the

annual extravaganza where every bit of

the insane, homicidal action in the

ring has. Dictated by you insane

homicidal viewers at home tonight, the

Deathmatch tribe has spoken

overwhelmingly demanding to see Survivor

Survival of the fittest. Survivor are

great choice Johnny. Everybody knows that

CBS show is stupid. I mean,

how can you call a show

Survivor when nobody dies?The networks

may call that entertainment high, Call it

OHH. And with that in mind, we've

trucked in all 32 castaways from the

first two seasons of Survivor. Colleen,

Richard, Jarvis, Kelly Jenner, Rudy,

Greg, Susan, Gretchen, Sean, Joel, Dirt,

Ramona, Stacey, DB, Sonia, Alicia, Amber

Mitchell, Elizabeth, Colby, Jeff, Jerry,

Nick, Keith. Argentina, Deb, tell Mad

Dog, Michael and Jimmy, they're all here.

They fought for money, they fought for

fame, and tonight they're going to fight

for survival in the biggest, most blood

spattered Royal Rumble in death match

history. Hey Mad Dog, how's the weather

up there?Fat body

and get me down this moon moves

riding up my *****. Sorry, Mad Dog.

No can do. But there is one

man who can help you. And now

in the spirit of survivor at ringside,

is he tonight's guest referee. He's the

host with the most. He's survivors. Jeff

Probst. What it's proposed, Nick,

Thanks, guys. It's great to be

here. You know, Survivor has become

a global phenomenon by taking average

everyday people, stranding them in some

godforsaken hellhole and watching them

degenerate into both savages and

celebrities. But tonight instead of.

Being voted off the island. Our survivors

will be voted into the ring by

the Celebrity Deathmatch audience.

Everyone in attendance has been given

high tech handheld voting devices. They

can vote any survivor into the match

at any time. It's that simple. So

let's go and the first survivor voted.

To the ring is Colby.

Here he is, America's favorite momma's

baby. He's tonight's Arzan favorite. The

coaster. Ohh, ran party, everybody. And

since you can't have a fight

with just one fighter, start the

poking, people.

The tribe has spoken. Sonia ohh

sentimental favorite postmenopausal

ukulele plucker. Sonia was the very

first castaway voted off the island

in season 1. Looks like the

deathmatch audience wants to give her

a second chance. Ohh the island

was. But the people were sweet.

I wear orthopedic shoes on my old

lady and I.

Ohh.

Ohh, sorry folks. Looks like old Sonia

still can't do anything right. True, but

with the old gal gone splat, it's

time for the audience to vote in

another victim, Survivor Rudy. Yeah, now

here comes a real competitor. He's that

lovable h*m* 73 year old.

Navy SEAL Rudy.

Yes, Sir, I'm feeling pretty good about

my chances in there because half of these

people are girls and they don't know what

the hell they're doing. And the guys

will, geez, most of them are like half of

Mary. So what were we talking about

again? Colby? How are you feeling about

trying to m*rder Rudy here? Well, I just

want to say I have. Utmost respect for

Rudy and I. Thanks, guy. I love you too.

Not no home away, but regular. Now just

let me finish eating my luxury item and

then we can go do this. Hey, you wanna

bite? Cool. Thanks, Rooster.

My God, the old dog fooled told me with

a very old trick. There may be snow on

the crew cut, but they're still

murdering. Rudy's clogged up that

encrusted heart. Let me tell you

something, Colby, you may have won

yourself a weird ask car and a lot of

p*nsy ***** immunity challenges, but that

doesn't change the fact that. Well,

I don't. Mommy, can I get

in your sleeping bag with you?

Ohh, I know what that sound

means. Here comes

that outlet. What's cracking, Jerry?

Yes, your mother has fat

legs.

Little lady, as a Marine Corps veteran,

it is my sworn duty to carry out the

wishes of the American people and beat

the living. Pitched you, Sadie.

My pleasure, America. Ohh Rudy is

far, Rudy is deep. Rudy is

gone Goodbye. So Jerry, we meet

again you're looking great Don't even

try it, Colby, just because I

admitted having a lot of hot

sexual fantasies about you and because

I practically. Threw myself at you in

the Outback, but that doesn't mean that

you can. I think you've waited for this

long enough.

Whoa, Beautiful views of the

coasters. Gigantic white choppers.

Whoa, here we go again.

And it's season runs runner up

Kelly Wigglesworth, and the Nevada

Grouper Raptor has brought along her

kayak. Incredible Kelly

making like gross ball in a thong.

Ohh, just bring it over here. Get her

Jerry, you got a girl.

White bread, Wonder Boy. Why

Wigglesworth? And now she's coming after

What's her name in the sky?

We can work together.

We can form an

alliance, say goodnight, Gaggy.

No, Yes. No.

Oh my God, it's

Kelly's mortal enemy, the

insane She monster truck

driver Susan Kelly Vouchers.

I hate SparkNotes. Ohh

folks, this show has

reached its cl*max. I

don't know how. You can

get any more dramatic than this. Hey

everyone, that's where we all dive into

the most exciting moment in Survivor

history. I'd like to offer you ladies

some delicious Tortinos brand Rancho

queso chips and a tall, refreshing glass

of Hillside Dude. Hey, it's Brooke. Just

sneak one of his cheesy ask commercials

into the body of our show. Don't be an

idiot. Nick was no commercial. That was

just product placement. It's a whole

different thing. Ohh OK, let's go buy

some torpedoes. We'll be right back.

Folks, if you're just joining us, what

the hell is wrong with you? You're

missing the biggest fight in the history

of Death Match. We'll catch you up on all

this happened so far, but I'm warning

you, don't let this happen again. Old

lady Sonia was first, and then Rudy

nearly k*lled Kobe and Jerry until Kobe

k*lled Rudy. Then Kobe seduced Jerry and

Kelly k*lled Kobe, and Susan had really

bad table manners. And it's only getting

uglier. Let's go down to the ring where

Susan is tearing up the joint.

Got you down, I say. No,

Wait, wait.

Tastes like rats.

That's gotta hurt.

Hi, I'm Jerry from season 2. It's nice

to meet you. We have a lot in

common. Everybody in the whole world

hates me too. What you talking about,

Jerry? It's true, But that doesn't mean

that we can't form an alliance. Would you

like to be my friend Fran? Fran.

Why?

Sure, I mean with my abs and your

anger management issues we could be

unstoppable. Charlie, are

you seeing what I'm saying? I sure

am. We've got 26 survivors to go,

but only the most brutal, ruthless, evil

competitor will be able to overcome this

monster beach alliance. Who will it be?

Colleen. Say I'm too nice

for death match.

Oh my God, when I first wake up in

the morning I'm all like this. I'm not

calling mean cranky machine. I pity those

fools.

Ohh hi everybody.

Ohh, that little girl is

in serious trouble. Ohh. Is that a

cold sore?Ohh, it's

sort of gross. Where? No way. But hey,

a cold sore is nothing to be ashamed

of. It's just a virus contracted by

something as simple as drinking from a

public fountain or making out with the

sexually unclean. What a little blister.

Excel fix it and I just happen to

have some squirt me. OK,

just be careful of your eyes

because it stings real bad. Let's

see dumb bits.

Oh, oh, oh.

Holy cow. Johnny Collinson trouble. Look

at this. A strong audience selection

could totally turn things around. Will

it be Joel? Doctor Sean. Greg.

Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Ohh, come on. These

fairy Pixies just ain't going to

cut it. God,

Elizabeth, hi. I feel like I know

you, Colleen. Wow, I totally feel like

I know you too. Hugs and kisses,

no. Two ******* haven't

heard the old saying about how nice girls

finish last year. Girls last. Well, nice

girls may finish last, but it doesn't

matter. Yeah, because unlike you hags, us

nice girls also have friends and totally

bitten social life and people. Ohh. It's

through Susan. And you know, if you want

to. Playing with me and Elizabeth. It's

cool. All you've got to do is k*ll

Jerry. Ohh come on Susie, it'll be fun.

Just k*ll slot button over there and you

can be a cool popular girl. Too popular.

Wait, don't listen to them. Nice

goes live. Thanks guys. We love

you channel looks like this monster

bits alliances over.

Garry's got that truck driving terror

against the ropes.

Susan's out. Someone get that little

driller hanky. Both

of you, yeah.

Umm.

Keith Keith, the disgruntled chef who

hates Jerry even more than the rest of

America.

Oh oh, what cooking Elmer?

Funny you should ask Kangaroo:

cause it's supper time. I

hope you're hungry. Thanks to

your whining about my cooking

on national TV, my reputation

as a chef is probably.

But I've come up with a brand

new, foolproof method for making perfect

rice. All you do is add 25

lbs of uncooked long grain rice into

the stomach of one raging succubus at



vigorously and wait.

Garry's floating big time. She's

gonna blow.

Umm and voila, can't overcook

it. Can't undercook it. Perfect

every time. Ding Dong, the

pitch is dead. Thank you.

Yes, finally, I love you.

Peace.

Michael, just when you thought it

couldn't get any more exciting, we get

the hog k*lling fish eyeball eating he

man, these girls are in trouble.

My head. Oh

oh break from Michael while the

paramedics airlift is BBQ. Dumb asss to

safety yet again. Why don't we pause for

these commercial messages? Hey is it just

me or does that guy smell like sausage?

Ohh folks, normally when we come back

from a commercial I hyped the fight

coming up in the ring. My partner here

does something. And we move

on, but not tonight, because the actions

breaking hard and loud. Elizabeth, Keith

and Colleen are about due for another

visitor. Tina, looks

like we're gonna get our first

millionaire on the dance floor.

Hey ladies, y'all need a hand. Win in

$1,000,000 is great but the best thing

about it is doing worthwhile things with

the money. I'm going to buy me a

facelift and a really gigantic pair of

safety boots.

Remember ladies, don't never be selfish.

Working together makes us all successful

survivors. You're right, Tina, we should

work together. I was actually saving

these to k*ll you, but what the

heck. Wow. Looks like the Elephant

Shoemaker has designed herself a pair of

K*llers sneakers. Was on Footwork by

Elizabeth. Wow,

working together really did help us

survive. That's right. And you know what

else works real well? No. What?

Blind, evil, backstabbing, sneak attacks.

And now it's your turn, Colleen. I mean,

I hate to do it. You're my girl.

And I'll stop right there, Tina.

God, it's the coaster. Ohh, the honey. I

thought you were dead. I'm so happy to

see you. Shut it. Answer Mama. You're

sweet face lying manipulation cost me 900

grand and now I'm going to take it

out of your *****.

You're tired, you're frustrated, you

missed your Mama. Come on over

here and rest your weary head

on my enormous matronly bosom.

They were mean to me, Mama, I mean Tina.

Some girl hit me with an arm.

Just let it out and

and let me crash it.

You're brainless.

The coasters been knocked out.

Jarvis.

Wow, Big surprise has really slimmed

down, folks. I'm not exactly sure what's

going on here, but why don't you

all just vote in somebody less of

dead?

Cow.

Something has clearly gone horribly wrong

up in those rafters. It sounds as

if something may actually be eating our

survivors. Damn those pigeons. I told you

we need an exterminator, Johnny. There's

Alicia's talk to the Hand. And

Jimmy'z big fat mouth and Kentucky Joe's

good heart. Nick, I'm almost afraid to

ask, but is there anybody left up there?

I don't think, hey, wait, there is one

more. Incredible.

It's Richard Hatch. I knew it. Who

else would be sleazy enough to eat



right there. Come and get me, ladies.

I'm unarmed. You know what is he

doing? He's just sitting there like a

like a big Fat Duck. It's. Insanity.

Is it insanity or strategy? OK, here's

the plane. You go over and grab Richard,

then I'll go. Wait one second. I'm not

touching that hairy large sack. Maybe you

can just go. Sweetie, I ain't touching

Jabba the gut either. And I will k*ll

you if you try to make me go.

Is that so?A

brilliant strategy by Hatch. He's gained

immunity through nudity. Touched the

fading? No. You touched the fat

*****. You touch the fat *****.

No, not the father.

Holy smoke Patches making his

move. Ohh me down he's

coming. This what's he doing?

Ohh, that's gotta hurt. But now

where's it? Ohh no he wouldn't.

It's the graded 40, you football

blister ex ain't gonna fix that.

There it is, the Stegosaurus slap. Folks,

I don't know if I can use this

word, but that man in that ring, he's

a genius. People, I'm sorry I have to

k*ll Tina like this, but remember, it's

just a game.

Denny's got rigid by the bungalow. She's

gone back down under. It's the Great

Barrier Reef around. OK, how about this?

You let go of me and I forfeit

the match and I give you the $1,000,000

I already won and I put pants on.

Sorry, Hun.

I've changed look. I just can't look.

Hey, that reminds me, I've got an alimony

check too.

Splattered like a bug on a

big, big windshield. This fight is

history. And your

sole survivor is Tina.

Thank you, Jeff. I'm glad you're here

because we have such a rich history

together. Thank you, Tina. I mean, all

through those 39 days in the Outback,

you were there for us hiding our

food, telling bad jokes, making us eat

bugs, wearing bad Cologne, and just

generally being. Nasty smarmy gas wash.

Well, Tina, I'm sorry you

feel that way, people. Should

we vote this off the

island?Jeffrey, as

you say, the tribe has spoken.

It's time for you to go.

Ohh God.

Wow, what a night. I don't know

about you, Johnny, but I could go

for some ribs. You're on, pal. Until

next time. I'm Johnny Gomez. And I'm

Nick Diamond. Good fight. Good night.