04x18 - Assamania I

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, we're kicking it old school and

punching it too, as hip hop's two

biggest sellouts collide. The adolescent

hormones fly as we dole out a

heaping helping of Pop Tart pandemonium.

Man in our main event, *******

meets Smart Asss in A2 fisted

battle for animal supremacy. All

tonight's on Celebrity Deathmatch.

Hello everyone. I'm Johnny Gomez. I'm

Nick Diamond, and welcome to Celebrity

Deathmatch. Oh,

oh, what the figure is wrong

with you, Diamond? You back on

the drinky drinky.

Quit it. I'm not back on the

drinky drinky. I'm trying to save your

job. Pee in this cup right now.

Johnny, listen to me. Even though there

are probably dozens of fans watching

Death Match right now, MTV's *******

absolutely slaughters us in the ratings

every single week. Ohh, so if

we want to stay on the air, we

can't ignore MTV's 18 to 24 slacker

demographic. If the kids want *******

then say hello to Nick Diamond, king of

the *********. Watch this boom. Hello,

I'm Nick Diamond and today I'm going to

swallow a live 6 LB mackerel then pork

it right back up. On camera. Is

that sweet or what? Come here,

slimy Joe Nick, this is really

not.

You're gonna.

OK, let's get down to business

as Celebrity Deathmatch presents as some

mania one tonight in our main

event *******. He's smart as Johnny

Knoxville takes on Ben Stein Before

that harness meets candy as Pink

takes on Mandy Moore bought first

it's. That's versus lamas, as LL

Cool Day and Queen Latifah go head

to head, each hoping to lose the

title of hip hop's biggest sellout. Let's

Fiesta mania begin lol.

LL Cool J and Queen Latifah had

remarkably similar careers. Both started

out as hip hop pioneers, tough, credible

voices of the street. Then they each

starred in bad sitcoms, made really bad

movies, and recorded really, really bad

comeback albums now perceived as soft or

wack. Some in the hip hop community, both

artists, continue to embarrass their

******** roots. Tonight, one of these

former rappers officially gets labeled as

sellout and Die. We Are The skyrockets

back to the top of the hip hop food

chain, buoyed by the aura of cool that

can come hand in hand with k*lling a

fellow rapper.

Good evening. Our topic tonight is from

****** to dumb asss. This rapper's a lame

ask. Of course, with that topic, my guest

could only be one man. Ladies and

gentlemen, LL Cool J.

You better check yourself before I wreck

yourself. Talk to the booty cause the

hands off duty baby wanted you. LL Cool J

always listens to his Mama and Mama said

knock you out. ,

Let me tell you about your mom. Your Mama

so fat the back of her neck looks like a

pack of hot dog. Ohh.

When Latifah so fast she defrosts her

toothpaste. Her teeth are so fat her

blood type is raccoon. That is lifeless.

Latifah so fat she sat on the

corner and her booger popped out. George

Washington's new.

Ohh my goodness I guess lol. Must

stand for little little.

LL Cool J has suddenly become

a human Suppository. Good job, but

not this nasty.

For me, give me a beat, my brother.

Latifah got a big old, but I'll tell you

that it's true. Latifah got a big old.

What? Going to Kick It Out the roof? You

think you could kick my asss? Why don't

you come on over here and try? I've heard

a bunch of quarters before, but those

have gotten behind heads at least.



Ohh Hey, lock it. What do you

say we find out what's under this

angle right now?

Wow, look like Charlie Brown and Al Roker

had a baby. Y'all want a human beat box?

You got me, you got me. Wow. Just

gotta hand it to Lucifer. that Lady is

Shaggy friend. Hey,

it's never this nighty

night, biatch.

Wow, I am Duncan of duty. You ain't hip

hop, Latifah. What you are is Weezy

Jefferson Junior. What you are is Jenny

Jones on food stamps and and you know

what else? On Living Single, even though

he was funnier than you. Ohh, that's

gonna hurt. I ain't

even hearing that. Ohh there it is.

Latifah's got the Kobernick working lol.

Should never have played the Tootie card

ohh. Y'all wanna kick it

old school?Beautiful.

Listen, you know I was just kidding about

that whole toady thing, right?

Ohh, here we go, here we go. You

got to throw your hands in the air

and wave them like you just don't care.

Hey.

Oh, oh,

somebody.

Awesome LL Cool J becomes LOL

cold cuts Queen Latifah as the

winner. Go go anywhere fight fans

because Nick, what's up with the

giant Band-Aid? How bad it Johnny

Giant bandage my face? I yank

it off. Mustache comes with it.

It's that a Jack as he ratings

winner or what? Ohh Well stay tuned

people cause coming up this bandage is

coming off. Also coming up Mandy Moore

versus pink. That's good too. It's time

for stone cold says so now the

favorite thing about Mike. The characters

are I think he's pretty cool looking that

as far as a claymation character looks he

looks pretty damn cool. As far as the

outfits he's got the best on and and one

episode where white doctors coat. I kind

of got a kick out of that little

scientific experiment, but I noticed he

only has four fingers when flipping

people off. I think it might present

somewhat of a problem.

Hi guys, my name is Nick Diamond. I'm

going to stand here like a ******* and

RIP this bandit right off of my face.

Pitching, huh? Nick. Nick, Are you sure

you want to do this? It's pretty stupid,

even for you. Listen, Gomez. You don't

mind low ratings, and maybe you don't

mind going back to work at the Underpants

factory, but I, for one, I'm going to do

everything in my power to make Death

Match a ratings winner. Here goes.

Yes, Nick, you do realize they're

not laughing with you, They're laughing

at you. I know. Isn't it

awesome? You got any Advil? Hi,

guys. Thanks for coming. I brought

candy for everybody, even at age



set of accomplishments. Like Nick Mandy's

already gone platinum three times. She's

also on the honor roll. She spends her

Sundays with the elderly. She makes pot

holders for shutting. She flosses twice a

day. Not to mention those massive right?

She's got absolutely massive grades at

school. And I'd

like to dedicate this fight to you

fans and also my parents, my teachers,

my friends, and the United States of

America. And Mr. Whiskers, my kitty's

here tonight to defend sweetness and

goodness everywhere. No small task,

considering her opponent a certain young

lady who Mandy feels. Might have a bit of

an attitude problem. And

here comes Pink. What a firecracker.

OK, I'm ready. Bring on the candy ads.

Reminds me of my mom. You know, mom had

pink eye a lot. I used to always pick the

crust out of her lashes for her. Alright

baby, that was a good clean fight. And I

also want you worry about me, Mr. Lane.

At Sunday school last year I signed a

pledge card to just say no to cheating.

Listen, sister. That led horse pocket to

your grandma. She might give you 2 bucks

for it and no reason in my ring let's

get it all paint before we get started. I

want to give you this friendship

necklace. I beat it for you because I

think you're like totally super

fantastic. You made this for me because

the way I. Yet behind every enemy,

there's a new friend waiting to

be named. That's the first time

Mandy shut up all night. Ohh.

Hey, that's no way to behave.

Ohh, quit it.

You can't keep a good girl down, Mr.

Lane. Pink's being mean to me. Yes, he is

doing a good job of it too. Come on,

dumb asss hit me. It's no fun k*lling you

if you're not going to fight back. When

Mandy has a disagreement, Mandy uses her

word. Ohh, really? Well, I got a couple

of words for you. How about you?Or

maybe. And how about how about

pigs?

You want us to do more words? How about

second rate Christina or third rate

Brittany wannabe? Hey, quit it.

Pitch Ohh can't believe what I just

heard. The matter, baby.

Play.

Oh my God, what's happening? Andy Moore

seems to be going completely insane. You

know Nick, back at technical career since

I took a half semester of freshman

psych and there's an obvious diagnosis to

be made here. Ohh, right, it's her

period. Even worse, Nick, it's pure

unadulterated.

Hey, get this media.

Solo. So

how may be old fashioned, but there's

nothing more painful than the dreaded

pink belly. Unless that pink belly turns

blood red.

Down Mills moving in to take a look at

the situation. k*ll.

Destroy.

Look up Mandy's used for whites

to fashion on lollipop shoes. You

know, that's exactly what kept me

alive in Attica through that and

the fact I was a very

good dancer. Mandy, please, what are

you doing? I'm k*lling you. I'm

k*lling. Ohh with Diane.

Yeah. No, man, stop.

Is this how a good girl behaves? Think

of your friends, your parents, think of

your stuffed animals. Now just give me

the candy and I promise we can leave

here right now and have a pajama party

and do each other's hair and nails and

talk about boys all night. Come on.

Give me the candy,

Mandy. OK? Wow, you

really are a dope.

Holy cow, brilliant double cross bike.

Folks, this one's all over but the

convulsive paint and the winner, Wow,

what a fight. But we're not finished

yet. Coming up, it's Smart asss versus

******* as Ben Stein takes on Johnny

Knoxville. Knoxville. That guy sucks

asss. Everybody knows that the new king

of all ********* is Nick Diamond. What's

this? Johnny Can of Mace? Beat my

face. Face. Meet them. Whoa, whoa, Nick.

Are you actually stupid enough to spray

yourself in the face with Mace? Yeah.

Cool. On three.



Just hear that, Johnny. Love

you, girl.

As far as special training for Celebrity

Deathmatch, work on being as nasty as

humanly possible, a little weight

training here and there, and probably

into the ring with as much alcohol

content in your blood that you can get

away with. That's my advice to someone

entering the Celebrity Deathmatch ring.

We're just moments away from our main

event. Just disappeared and life is

good. You see what the frame?

Who knows?Folks,

I just like to take this

opportunity to formally apologize for my

colleagues behavior. Whoa bad bad and

also for his body.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is

my fat boy.

Raymond rose from the court Knoxville

preparing to make his entrance and

he sticks the landing. What a

first rate entertainer. Hello I'm Ben

Stein and tonight I'm going to

make history. So if you think

you're smart enough fast enough and

if you've got the. Guts. You

could take Ben Stein's life,

but I doubt it. Ohh,

here he is, the Pythagoras

to my hypotenuse, Mr. Mills

Lane. Just

insightful question. I was I was

referencing the mathematician Pythagoras

who who lived in the 4th

century BC. Listen professor, I'm an

old man and listen to you.

I just slip into coma at

anytime. So why don't we just

get it all cool? Ohh man

ohh that hurt bad. Brilliant. Finding

my slack jawed dullard. And since

looking like an imbecile is something

you seem to enjoy, I propose

that. You might really enjoy trying your

luck at my game. Look you there. Our

first category is tongues for the

memories, and your question is simple.

Can you touch the tip of your nose

with your tongue? I'll give it a shot.

Stein has a taste for blood. Hey

ohh my tongue. Ohh I'm so sorry.

You did not touch your nose with

your tongue, so that response was

incorrect. However, since I can easily

touch my nose with your tongue, I

get the Ding Ding.

You see, it's that simple. I'm

clever. You're stupid. I take you

apart without ever breaking a sweat.

Welcome back, Nick, and don't feel

bad. Knoxville may be popular, but

he just fell for the oldest

trick in the book. Yeah. What

a doofus. OK. Then, since I

got the last question right, I'll

pick the next category. How about

yokes on you? Sounds cool. Can

either of you 2 eat 500

eggs in one hour? All right,

bring them on. This one should

be right up. Knoxville ready go.

Ohh please.

Oh oh.





yet I'm about to win.

How you feeling?

What the hell? The valiant

effort. But you came up

short. My one cr*cker was

full of fresh beluga caviar.

Get it? 724 fish eggs.

I win you. Ohh

man that ain't right. And by the

way, the 486 eggs you ate, they

were rare aboriginal Komodo hawk eggs,

quite poisonous to humans. You'll be

dying as soon as they reach your

lower intestines. Hi,

thanks for the tip man. Wait. Ohh wow,

what are you doing to me?

Whoa. Trouble and

custom match in the colestipol.

Ohk OK then you dodged that

b*llet, but we've still got 2

questions left. Pick one, my names

Johnny Knoxville and I'll take that

one. Umm, I don't remember that

particular category, the question reads.

Can you look up before it's

too late?OK, sounds quite

simple.

Incredible, that's still attached to the

Porta potty pilot. That was awesome.

Wow, Ben Stein's been puked on

and pooed on with only one

question left. He'll need to recover

fast. Fine, can you continue?

Fueller OK, he's fine. Let's

fight.

OK, OK, last category. I'll take

an eye for an eye and

ask for an asset. I don't

know man, this went down bad.

The question simple, can you survive

the rabid jacket?

Oh my God that's something. That's some

kind of brain fever, sick boy.

The insane rabbit ******* has Johnny

Knoxville corner and he's moving in for

the k*ll.

Amazing. Johnny Knoxville is actually

communicating with the Rabbit ******* and

they appear to be hitting it off.

OK, cool. Thanks, man. Wait, what

are you doing? No, see, we

can certainly have a civil intellectual

discourse about this, can't we?

To check this, but it's no good.

He's just pulling stuff until there's

nothing left but a pile of gold

and highly intelligent Jews. This fight

is over.

The ********* win.

We'll make another celebrity death match,

another happy ending. Yeah, but with

Johnny Knoxville alive, my new act is

just kind of second best, I guess.

Hey, don't feel down, buddy. You'll

always be the world's number one *******

in this guy's book. Johnny, you're the

greatest. Come here, buddy. OK, then.

This is Johnny Gomez, and I'm

Nick Diamond. Good fight, good night.

Hey, Johnny, keep this one, OK?

What? I'm peeing on your leg.